Living in ScareCity the people grab
“I’m doing okay, I’m not too bad”
And in that assumption of only just so
There is an ocean of love that they let go
In not opening hearts, in closing down
There is a child inside they let drown
And consequently the ones outside
(The flesh and bones who are alive)
No longer know how to be
They think this world is not for me
Because no adult ever shows
That water moves as it goes
And rivers are made to run free
If its not them, it’ll have to be me
To break the brisk for once and for all
Here I am and I’ll freefall

Its unappreciated and I don’t stand up
Then I complain I don’t get any love
While the children are crying and the infants burn
From the napalm they drop while I’m taking a turn
On the infinity wheel that spins in my head
Leaving the orphans whose parents are dead
And nobody sees and nobody cares
But nobody asks because nobody dares
Because people spend their lives to believe
That death is a storm that they must grieve
When really in hunger the anger is sought
When they marshal the troops and the thief is caught
But I’m all aghast at my reflection
So I run from their eyes with misdirection
But every leaf knows on every tree
That autumn is coming, even for me

My soul is not up for commercial arrangement
If you try that on me there’ll be an estrangement
When you put a price on my heart and home
I bite and then walk alone
Because I feel so hard done by
You do not even try
To fit the pieces jigsaw close
Did I love you or a ghost?
Cause you are almost not here
Did I even hear you clear?
When you said we were a match
Then took your bag to not come back
As I waited on the stoop
Because Lord knows I believed in you
“Another time, my dear, my dear”
The break of day when you are here.

Brick by boring brick I tore my castle down
And I hopscotched on the edges of a foreign town
Always waiting for a break, always waiting for the time
You would give me the signal to tell me you were mine
But as the days wore on I gave in to fear
And I shook to think that I did not have you, dear
And the people are all staring, the people all know
That I am somewhere you could never go
With their looks and their stares, their vagabonds and dues
Don’t you know I have a man who loves to sing the blues
But sorry they were right and sorry I was wrong
I didn’t realise it was a lonely song
A simple melody with a single guitar
Now I am supping whiskey in the backend of a bar
Trying not to let the despair ink my skin
Remember how you were before you were him
But I have lost my mind and sunk so far down
That I cannot recollect and you were not around
As I stared out of that window onto a campus that was bare
Something is missing, there’s something that isn’t there
Like a wasted agonise or a simply isn’t true
The missing that it was was me missing you.

You did say you’d be there, you did say you’d call
And I did say I’d wait for you through it all
But as the years passed and not a sound came
I found myself calling your name
Do you not know, do you not remember
The feelings that once upon a time you engender
Apparently not for I am but one
Of a litany of females that you have done
And I think to myself of obsequious folly
I never thought I’d be a little iced lolly
But here I go and here I am
You know I thought you would understand
Not pulverise bones and punish wounds
That you open up a little too soon
And I never did nothing to you so enjoy
Your resident evil as the poor boy
That everyone hates, that everyone fools
But I’m not one of the fuckers from school
I am unique and I am my own
But fuck it, you know, you got me alone
And I fell as hard as any can do
And in the end fell victim to you
To do what you will, do what you must
You know, baby, we’ll always have trust
But that was a lie, that was deceit
And never again shall the twain meet
Like symmetrical lines, a perfect parallel
The word that divides heaven and hell
And splits us both back into the story
When you had your hunger and I had my glory
But we like divisive lovers of old
Took what they gave us and painted it gold
But gilt can never make metal of ash
And now that you’re gone I don’t want you back
For the pain, it was stark, the pain, it was bleak
And now you want to show up on my street
But the diamond divide can never surpass
I don’t think I told you that I kick ass
And I got an A in all of my shit
Don’t call me names and expect me to hit
Back like you do, just walk on by
And when you move on could you tell me why
Without so much as a backward sigh
You could let go and hang up, goodbye.

Its like you don’t care, you left me to the wolves
And you are the boxer whose punch never pulls
As I take the hit, now I’m going down
And my killer is someone that I want around
But I don’t mind coz that was the deal
I’ll tell you I love you and you make me feel real
And I’ll take the pain and I’ll take the price
But just don’t expect me to think that you’re nice
When the price is raw, red suffering hunger
The feeling of you and I when we’re younger
And not so jaded and not so broke
But the wheel set on spin and then onto choke
And as I gaze at the stars in the sky
I think about how you left me to die
In the feast of a famine and the ravage of time
The moment in space when you said you were mine
But words are all honey and you cannot survive
On lies that were sold just to keep you alive
So take your ticket and get on the train
I’ll be standing here out in the rain
Until you get back, until you’re home
Until my skeleton bones are alone
Because you never come and you never call
And sometimes I wonder were we at all
Were we but a dream in a fragment of heart
Not lovers forever til death do us part
So slowly I drag my carcass from grass
The steeds are moving but I’m letting ’em pass
For once on the bridge then nothing at all
Goodbye and good luck and to hell with it all

I’ve muted Trump on Twitter because he’s got nothing to say
And I don’t have time for things to go that way
I don’t have the energy to be draining by his speech
And everyone in anger standing under the leaves
So I block him out because something I’ve learned
You withdraw your attention and the tables are all turned
What is it that makes a President, the election and the votes
Or everyone showing up when he’s turning coats
So I say show your back and then show him the door
If you fall into the shadow then it only spurs it more
Because people go as this, you attract what you desire
Keep your eyes on the prize and set the world on fire
And do not waste your precious moments on this earth
Drinking in words that were spoken to hurt
Keep your ears as clean as the whistle that you dry
And if they draw you in, well you can let them try
But know all the while you’re bigger and you’re better
And a boat like yours can withstand the weather
Don’t let it grind you down, don’t let it break your heart
But if it does, then love, make the pain into an art
And paint the constellations in patterns on the wall
Don’t let it be for nothing, go into freefall
And when the landings done and you have come to be
The world will listen to you like its gonna do to me

Call me a bitch and I’ll up the ante
Call me the best and you’re looking fancy
And I’ll head nod all the damn way
You’re ahead of the game, or that’s what I say
Because not everyone sees what I’ve up my sleeve
And the ones that do don’t even believe
All that I intend to unfurl
Show me your hand and I’ll rock your world
And you don’t need to shake or fear
Don’t you know that I’ll take care of you, dear?
And knock all the bullies down from their standing
Do you even know what you’re demanding?
I have it all covered and the bases mapped
You want freedom, baby, consider it capped!

Why do they leave us, why do they go?
Why does life shape us, why? I don’t know
Why do the plates tectonically shift
Three seconds later, what did I miss?
But the whole earth has moved and spun on its axis
Now I’m sipping gin while you’re doing taxes
And I’m acting gleeful and laughing the sin
While you knit your brows and worry within
Wheresofore this reversal of roles
Now you’re shooting stars and I’m all black wholes
As we revolve the sun, moon and sea
Sweet Mother of God, are you talking to me?!

Coming to terms with the dark archetype
Its been living in me like kryptonite
And I’ve been fighting to be a good girl
But there is a land mine that blows up my world
Because I am so angry at all that’s unjust
And when I quell the storm I do not trust
That it is gone and not merely at bay
And explodes outward again when I look away
So I am coming to slowly embrace
The she-devil inside that I will trace
The angel built to destroy and renew
There’s no limit to what the devastation will do
Because Rome was not built in a day
And it took many eons to flood wash away
All of the lies and all of the ruins
All of the stories and their undoings
And I’m coming to learn, I’m coming to see
That in this shitstorm I rely on me
And can trust in the two hands at the end of my arms
Bring it, she says, and I pull the alarms

I am a gift to be savoured, I am love to be enjoyed
I am not free and favored by all of the boys
And when there is movement in unintentioned pain
I fall down upon them like acid rain
I never see it coming and I never hold back
If they use their anger then I attack
And I show no mercy like no mercy is shown
Like the leaves on the trees, all withered and blown
Like the harbingers of doom the prophets foresee
Like the way they look down when they talk to me
Like the way they try to pave their own road
But their burden to bear is not mine to load
And I will not carry the weight of their hate
The weight of their futile all steam and irate
The weight of their hunger, the weight of their trials
The fire of their fury and fervent denials
Because I have seen much and I have seen long
I know what I am and where I belong
And am not to be moved by friend, foe or folly
If you don’t want to be stung then you shouldn’t pick holly.

Photo Credit: Barrie Kelly
http://www.buryps.co.uk/gallery/barrie-kelly/

I got the fuse and you got the spark
Lets blow this thing to bits in the park
And you got the smile that meets my eye
I know I’ll love you til I die
And we can be run and we can be beat
But they can’t kill the place where the waters meet
No, they can’t stop the flames or the smoke from pluming
And they can’t stop this fire from all consuming
So bring your lies, so bring your tales
Bring your anger and all your chainmails
And if you think we’re done pulling punches
Then give us some gravel and hear the crunches
I laugh and you gaze back into the sky
This is so much better than living a lie!!! BOOM BOOM!

If there’s one thing I hate its the sarcophagus smile
The smile that says “Honey, be cute for a while,
If you don’t behave then he’ll never come back
And its really not cool for you to act like that.”
So I just bow my head whenever it greets
And I undermine in lies and deceit
And I do my best to be troubled as hell
Just to get under her skin as well
And I laugh to myself to see myself fall
Cause I know when I go, she can’t play hard ball
And I have the cards and I have the deck
And I’ll be the one to list a shipwreck
So when you come make sure you go
Coz I’ll be the one to bring it you know…..

I have a problem with feminism
There’s rules and there’s laws and there is a schism
Between what’s heart and between what’s home
There’s an exorcism and people alone
Because I am not afraid of men
They come what may and they again
Seek to know my demise
But I always meet their eyes
For I know I cannot fall
They may as well heed the call
Because my voice is loud and strong
And it cannot go wrong
But all of these irkings from the fold
If you don’t bear down they’ll steal your gold
And we must always be on our guard
Life works better when you’re hard
But a river knows the flow
And love is the way I go
To move with ease around the rocks
Of kindness and forget me nots
Slowly to permeate the hate
With a gradation of concentrate
To break the limestone into shale
And turn the dewdrops into hail

I tell them nothing because they conflate
What I love with what I hate
And piece together a world of shards
They make my life so damn hard
As I beg for a moment to be alone
They decide to confiscate my phone
And pulverise my hopes and dreams
Hang my head on their moonbeams

***

But there’s is a harrow I could never believe
They don’t know love but they hang on my sleeve
Trying to make me forsake
Something I’m given, no I didn’t take
For it was offered by a heart that’s huge
And I’m not down with their deluge
Of words and words of rain and rain
Blame him but you are the pain

***

So I tell them nothing because they don’t understand
I hide my eyes and I have planned
To upend their canoe
I do not belong to you
My heart is in another home
My heart belongs to him alone
Who could ever kiss my sky
Let him go? I’d rather die.

The talkers can meet the back of my hand
People tear down what they don’t understand
And people taboo what they don’t know
You love someone and they tell you so
You must do this and then do that
If he leaves then never come back
And punishment is a state of mind
Make sure he don’t leave you behind!

 

But I could never fall in with the folly
Of post-feminist work that people call jolly
And I only find a burden to bear
If I love him so then why can’t I care
And why can’t I tell him the stars of the sky
Shine for him only and will only die
When he does into the black of the night
Holding my hand through the hematite

 

So take your rules and conflagrations
I buy no bull from train stations
And when the last comes to be
You will all look up to me
For blazing a trail that you never could
With freedom to hold and freedom to hug
Whoever the hell I damn well please
I’ll be as I am and rise from my knees

We fought so hard we forgot the love
Til it bitch slapped us with the back of a glove
To dare us to move, to dare us to change
We agree to comply and the world rearrange
To become for us the promised land
Instead of demons dancing underhand
And it took time and it took fate
It might have been anger but it was never hate
Only shadings of vibratory pain
That falls on the ground like acid rain
Burning the plants and burning the trees
And turning it into you against me’s
But what goes up must come down
So goes the law of moving around
But what is still is ever last
It was never born so it can never pass
It was never created so it can never die
It never was never broken and it doesn’t try
To argue for its own good case
Love will never go to waste
Just repair the carnage blues
Fills them up with me and yous

I’ve always tried to be the perfect little girl
To match the edge of incomplete or so says the world
But finding myself soft, lost inside your arms
I am more at home with you than I ever was in charms
But breaking into blisters that fall down from the shelf
I realise he knows me like he knows no one else
And I realise he loves me like I never thought could be
He might revolve the earth but his earth revolves me
And when I’m sitting quiet and you’re whispering your dreams
I promise that I’m yours underneath moonbeams
Underneath a thousand skies that could ever come to be
Is the feel of your hand slotting into me
And meeting at the break where my knuckles and my bones
Match yours to a tee in the acres of alones
In the thousands of long gone bys and the millions yet to pass
I am in love with you and will be, as you ask

The impulse is this
Seal it with a dance or a kiss
Til you think me remiss
And steal it back in the blink of an eye
Expect me not to die
The gateless bargain, the promise you withhold
And I was sold
But now I pay
Every day
For what I bought
A fish in the net
And I am caught

Its a game of aces, its a game of nines
Its a game of I’ve done this a thousand times
Its game of retracing lines
And double backing over mines
And when I hit the diff just right
Its a fire I will ignite
An inferno to burn down
The anger walls that line their town
To bake and shake the wary wolves
To kill the pain that never dulls
And to set the angels free
You want out? Then follow me!

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.ie/pin/382946774548568762/

I love to play the bad guy and take the blame
Then when they get mad I can say its always the same
Coz no one really cares, no one ever asks
And everybody’s hiding behind their happy masks
While they point the finger so I can be the one
Point it if you chose, it feels like a gun
As you take aim and sear me with your words
And I relish the ostracize because they never heard
The things I didn’t utter, the profound I am
They’ll all be sorry when I become a man
And stand up for what I mean, the thing that they beat down
But its been twenty years and I’m still living in this town
And you can’t build tomorrow on what you will do
If I want to make a change then I must be true
And revolve the world and remake the story
My love can move mountains and bring back the glory
Of a bygone era, of a bygone time
When hunger was our problem for the destiny sublime

Called a bitch in the club…
What of?
Don’t sidle this way no more
Unless you want a fist through the floor
Or the roof of your mouth
Handing it out
Is not what I’m about

But you must hate men
If you don’t go again
When he asks
But behind the masks
I sense
A growing omnipotence
Of desire and hate
That makes me irate
I dare you to try
I ain’t gonna cry

When you spit words in my face
About disgrace
And lies
But I despise
Your attitude
And the megalomania you exude
We aren’t your toys
Someone’s gotta tell some of these boys
Coz the game is the same
Whether its Weinstein or Joe Blow calling your name
And I don’t plan to scare
So hit me if you dare
I won’t back down
Bring it, I’m sound

Domineering, aggressive and way too entitled
Do you think I’m a fool or just unbridled
Because I know, because I’ve learned
If you trust a man then you’re gonna get burned
And I’ve watched you carefully so I know
You love them hard then you let them go
So why don’t you leave your bags at the door
Call it what it is instead of adore

I want to reach out and state
The reason I wordlessly appreciate
But I am too shy and you are too charming
I sit beside you and I feel like disarming
In the glow of your warmth
And I am a storm
To hesitate at your breath
Think of what we could be yet
And I wonder as you constellate
I love what you hate
Or come to with that surreptitious smile
That I would follow down the green mile
To the death chamber and floor
Do you know what this was all for?
Cause I don’t, but I hang my hat at your door
Because reason won’t allow me to implore
Like I did before
I want more.

I’m not sure anymore of what I’ve done
I thought I held up when I was young
And it was you who fell
Down into the pitfall of personal hell
And I who rose
To follow the path of what I chose
And now I deliberate
Did I put him in that state
Or leave him there, to be sure
Was my heart ever pure
Or all caught up in conflagrations
Seeking its own excitation
And avenues
While you sang the blues
Of your own design
Or were they of mine
I held my head so high, I thought in strength
Like haughtiness was heaven sent
And you would take an inch of ground
If I stayed myself around
To be destroyed by degrees
The lovers live lives on their knees
And grow to hate what they once professed
Was the sole reason they undressed
And in my mind I swore
That I am bound for the shore
The sacred space of evermore
But now you call me a whore
Though we never touched
But you’re right, I’m fucked.

Growing the strength to stand back up on my feet
Not holding my heart like a secret I keep
Not saving the best til the last lest
It be held in jealously or jest
Not marching to another’s tune
And relegating myself to my room
Where I hide and hold my head in hands
And wish I could be like punk rock bands
Standing out and standing in
The fire of what they feel within
Because I know one thing for sure
The biggest taboo is that of the pure
And people will do anything to tear down
The vision of music they long to sound
And I will no longer be
A scapegoat for their history
I will rise up to prove
Love will never lose

Image Credit: Entroz – on Deviant Art
https://entroz.deviantart.com/art/You-Shall-Not-Pass-330127651

I don’t need a relationship to be
The intrinsicality of me
And friends and foes both come and go
Time will take them all you know
Time will turn all to dust
And I too rejoin the rust
Red and iron in my blood
Washing water through the mud
So even though you throw complaints
Into the river that God paints
I cannot hate the design
The hand that writes it all is mine
As I merge with the universe
The cosmos or the black hole hearse
I see that I am just a part
Of the common human heart
And though you may shake me off
As unworthy of your love
You’ll find your way back to me
Because freedom attracts the free
And someday when we meet again
I won’t even call you friend
Just acknowledge our mutual gain
Standing outside in the rain

 

 

Caring too much can be a disease
Like O says the disease to please
As you hovel and as you move
Feeling without the power to choose
And everyone says “you’re such a slut”
Throwing you out with a punch in the gut
Because you spread it on so thin
Like butter on bread when you love him
And really its right, they are true
Because of that I’m leaving you
Pulling back by degrees
Not going down on my knees
To prostrate myself ever more
You wanted less and so I adore
Myself this time instead of you
Look in the mirror at what its come to
By salvaging the shipwreck I see
I have abandoned me
Only for the fault is this
I crave the answer that they miss
And the recognition in time
That it is I who is sublime
So pour it in and pour it on
Consider lovely Laura gone

Just coz I care doesn’t mean I will stand
Out in the rain and under command
Just coz I wonder doesn’t mean I will move
To give away the things you lose
And if you expect me to self betray
Then I’ll be the gone away
Because I was not made to prop
Up against all I am not
So things work like this in my world
You love me, then you get the girl
And if you don’t then so be it
Truth is the one I’m standing with

I’m not nice, I never made that profession
And you will elicit no confession
Of guilt that I did not do
Look in the mirror and it’ll be you
Breaking the backs of the ones who care
And I am gone, no I amn’t there
To subterfuge under a bridge
I had to die to know how to live

One time only offer, I do not repeat
I do not grovel to stand on my feet
And if I’m not good enough as I am
I’m sorry but please understand
I ain’t down to perform
My heat is hot, it’s not warm
So fall back and burn
I will make the liars turn
And repeat their mistakes
To see reflections on cupcakes
I’m not all I appear to be
At your own peril, insolently

Photo Credit: Dustless Soul Creations
http://www.dustless-soul-creations.co.uk/portfolio?lightbox=image_1nzk

Its taken me 27 years to see
If I don’t stand up for myself no one stands up for me
And everyone’s playing games of one for another
But leave the path and you’ll know the shudder
Of cold shoulders by degrees
And getting by on your knees
Til you grow back your power to say no when you mean
I’m not selling my soul to further your dream
And all of your praise and all of your lies
Have faded from vision and into disguise
As I shake off the shackles holding me in
I need no one’s permission to follow Him.

The broken arrow welded itself
Back together with my steel
Lord knows how I feel
And now I know not how to smile
Because time has stolen it for a long while
And my face moves in that way no more
I’m acquainted with the cold cheek on the floor
That cools the flush against the tiles
You know I lay there for a while
Until the heat had burned out
And I knew that I could do without
The marching that your time gave
And my willingness to always save
Things that are better left lost and gone
I said I’d be a while but I was wrong

When they make love a superstition
And god out of ammunition
We know something is wrong

When they tweet the sunrise and hashtag the day
But tell a good friend to go away
We know something is wrong

When everyone’s moving but nobody stays
And what they build are all go-aways
We know something is wrong

And when they’ll take a saint and have him on his knees
Crush him with bricks on a breeze
And say its all for a greater cause
He would not obey Satan’s laws
Then you know as well as I
Something is right and I will let fly

I’ve spent so long being everyone’s bitch
Scared of the moment that they’ll pull the stitch
And undo the lining of thread
Reopen the wound that pounds in my head
Of a time when eyes all turned avert
And a friend taught me how to hurt
How to feel the pain just slow
And hard laughter so I would know
What its like on the outside
But I’ve known that honey, I am alive

Then a single word in an open room
Crashes the walls in on my doom
So the whole thing is reeling, its all aspin
And I wake up to the darkness that warms me within
Find my peace in retribution
I will be my own final solution
To behoove all their tears
Though I have not gone there in years
For the shame of a time I spent on the floor
I ran for an eon but I’ll run no more
Turn inward to reflect
On a life lived in regret

Because the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Is a lie I concocted when I left it behind
And I hopscotch their questions when they do not see
Its only the silence that’s ever known me
Only the night and only the day
A double entendre I cannot make stay

Is the burden of it too much to bear
And its not that you don’t, its that you do care
And can barely move to contemplate
Another in a similar state
As you move with lines and prove
An artist traces when they need shoes
And you can carry off the feat
Which stutters lamplights on the street
And even though I met your soul
I doubt it now that you are old
And so much like the others
Not outlaws but a band of brothers
Who sit and rest and sip tea
My Lord, I wish you were with me
Out hunting skulls in Joannas back yard
Where the headstones and the ground was hard
And little brigands to and fro
Go where they’re not supposed to go
Only to be called from there within
Will we make a break, I said to him
But the gravity was too intense
In you come so in we went
And ever since then I’ve a longing to be
Where the sky meets the sea
And perfect blue reverberates
Into eyes that heaven hates
So I scrawl my words on hats
I’m going where there are no maps
And entertain no return
If this is love then let it burn

 

Death and love are one and the same
You die so as to speak the name
Of the one who everlasts
To be that is all I ask
To be that is all I crave
To kill me is how to save
And when I shut these mortal eyes
I wake up to the dark disguise
That cloaks all human hearts in pain
Suffering that is in vain
And though my lips stutter words
I will go on til they’ve been heard
And recognised in the other
I won’t dissolve til you do brother

 

We met on a bridge in our youth
And you were everything I expected of you
All the gallantry and gold
All the ineffable heartbreak of your soul
And I was sold, upon instant eye contact
And before
The say love at first sight is a lie
I say meet you first and then try
To hold head and stiff upper lip
And not cry with the joy of a perfect eclipse
And my head spun with the stars of a thousand daydreams
Built in the bedrooms of my childhood and teens
That a man such as this and the truth could exist
My heart shone diamonds through pupils black
And you stared in shock and met me back
I laughed and you smile and stared a while
In awe and superstition
Quickly giving way to your supposition
And we danced hand in hand and then away
A closeness but should we stay
A tit for tat a toe to toe
I love the other but will they go
And we stayed and mutually regained the confidence that had been stolen
By the years growing up in a world that was broken
But the moment came, the sudden back break
I remember the sharpness of a breath intake
As I stared into the sky and turned to meet the absence of eye
Which, to my ever present surprise, remained unmaterialised
Only a fear and the shaking of a thousand cries
And I faltered and you wept
And we’ve held it like a secret we kept
Startlingly silent to a degree
Was the sound of you believing in me
And placing trust into hands that shook
With the fever of the faith it took
And I drawing breath and the flowing of tears
Knew I’d see you not for a thousand years
And our separation, ached in my soul
I found my hero with the heart of gold
And we mourned for our loss but sighed
I’d rather know this than never have died

The shark tank exploded with gunpowder flame
I’m still stuck on the syllables that make up your name
I’m turning away from a death dance twin spiral
I watched as news of my demise went viral
Patched up in beats and dropping the bass
The look in my eyes when you pulled out the ace
That sent the girl reeling down the stairwell
In the abyss of a house where there’s no one to tell
And they’re all sipping gin by the fireside
Throwing briquettes to keep it alive
While I sit in a shadow the light doesn’t touch
Watch it play on eyes that only know so much
As the corner beckons for me with its walls
Wish I could right angle away as it falls