I’m angry at you for stealing time
From me with you that should be mine
Before death takes you finally
I want to have you here with me
To love and to have and hold
I want to see you growing old
And grey haired man the boy I met
I promise I will not forget
When you get knocked down do you ever consider staying on the floor
Let everyone else continue their war
While you use eyes to stare at stars
You can only see because you’re in the dark
And give yourself time to contemplate
Why you always return to this repetitious state
And if it says something about who you should be
That you’ve only been escaping from dignity
In silent stillness on the ground
You find the peace that’s all around
You’re full of love for the things you create
But I’m a place you can’t dominate
Though you may be king of the dormant domain
There are lands over which you don’t reign
And there is a motion that sits in the river
I will not make up for what you can’t give her
Struggle in the tide of a crocodile spin
When you cry tears there’s no way you can win
As I incline my head to that which you know
Don’t blame me for the feet you walk as you go
My hands are off the wheel of your car
But I’m still aware of who you are
Don’t bother faking the remorse
I’m sure time will have it run its course
And you don’t need to half ass what you feel you should say
I don’t believe you anyway
I’m sure you’ll buy her a real nice ring
And make the song hit the notes and everything
But you’ll never have me sign the sheet
To annul your previous fall and defeat
At the hands of a lesser God
I’ll watch you leave without a word
But don’t you dare look back
Its a permission that I lack
You’ve got loads of criteria for me to attain
But you can’t laugh at the sun and expect it to rain
As if I would give you all of my shine
So you could have a sword and take what is mine
Just another trophy to sit on your shelf
Add to the list to which she is as well
Narrow my eyes in suspicious slits
I guess I always expected no better than this
And if one and only has nothing to declare
Then you would have always been there
Instead of passing the parcel to other hands
Then claim you were true to your ancestors lands
Don’t make me laugh at your attempts
To sidle away and throw deference
I may be small but I’m fast as the wind
And I’m not merely an attenuation of him
To play the kind part of forgiving queen
Who holds in her heart the way it has been
And finds a way to live to pretend
If she just holds it in then it will come to an end
But no corseted lady am I
And there are things for which I would die
Rather than stage wise just lose breath
Over the things I cannot forget
I will not hold what is not for my soul
And if it’s by decision then was that all?
For will cannot paint what is by design
And what comes back will always be mine
And somehow I fear that there lies a string
Connecting me to everything
I feel the tug and then the pull
And life with you would never be dull
But I have a wryness in my smile’s edge
And it can’t help but turn up at the things that you said
As I, to my own supreme shame
Find myself redeemed by saying your name
As you with your talk and your wheedling charm
Find no shortage of girls to rub against your arm
And console and commit to the rogue in you
It’s just so enticing, the hole they fall into
As I watch from the cliff with my chin in my hands
Surveying the lay of the land as it stands
It’s so comical if it didn’t hurt
And when I tickle the humour it only gets worse
As I admit grudgingly that I admire
The divine devotion that you inspire
Least of all in one like me
How did this finger trap come to be?
But the authority returns from whence it came
And I’ll always be in the space I remain
Never moving, never knowing what lies beyond
The passage of time that is already gone
As I tip my hat to the extreme
And the pain without which I would not have seen
That all is illusion except what is real
And there is a peace even you cannot steal
Closing my eyes to the forest of trees
That is a life of you without me
In a place where existence is the only repose
I already am the thing that I chose
God occupies a place you could never reach
And I follow the direction of the words that you teach
But I never learn what he put in my heart
Only find different ways to tear it apart
And you think your reign is sacrosanct
So you exorcise or make me walk the plank
Choosing between the sharp end of a stick
Or water full of sharks who want to have a dip
And I mean you could be Satan in another life
Or Hitler to kill what he cannot ignite
But you can never put darkness back into a soul
That has seen the light in the course you enrol
And I could really laugh cause it’s so fucking scary
It takes the edge off the harsh and you act contrary
To be ridiculed as only flesh and dust
An earthly conglomeration that I do not trust
And I would boil the kettle but you do not drink
You do not understand the silence you think
Rolls into a wave submerging the sea
There’ll never be a day when you look up to me
But I’ll still take a cup and savour the warmth
I love the midnight in the depth of the storm
And you think you’re taking notes but you haven’t seen
The ring binder of files outside of this dream
I could make a study of how you move your eyes
What you try to do when you psychologise
What you are hiding beneath the skin
That says there’s a line around what can’t get in
But you breathe, I see your chest rise and fall
So you couldn’t be completely beyond it all
As you look for an answer you do not find
And I am not the details you search in my mind
As out of the blue with long lost and stark
I comet my tail expanding the arc
Til it’s all absolved in a holy hue
None of this is because of you
As silent guilt curves the corner
I saw it coming and I didn’t warn her
Funny feeling that though he may not want me I am still okay
And that I can survive on the love of every day
From the plants, from the trees and nonetheless from him
For though he may deny it I know it beats within
In blood and in veins that are solid gold
But so are mine I see, though I have not been told
To look and revolutionise the vision of my palms
I am the lake, the ocean and these are my calms
No enforced stability, no discipline held high
Just the truth of a being that knows something that can’t die
And sees it in the rushing movement of the leaves
All the world is heaven to one who needs nothing to believe
And smile to myself, in a secret, silver fold
I never knew the universe was there for me to hold
In its peril and its fantasy, it’s motion and the tide
I am the evidence of the thing you’ve never tried
So sincerely honest in the feelings that maintain
That there lies beneath a sunlight that will overcome the pain
All my family agree that you’re bad news
And have me paired up with a different pair of shoes
That never seem to walk the line surmised
Or pass the test when he’s been breathalysed
But he’s better and healthier from the outside
And all they want is a decent compromise
That’s so tempting just to fulfil
Even if it is against my will
Because your cocaine blues somehow conspire
To set my traitor’s heart afire
Send my pulse hammering in my veins
As I spit into your face and you leave tear stains
So wrong, so inconceivably wrong
That you make me feel as though I belong
With your violent aggression cloaked so shy
Into a look that only I can spy
And smile at because I know it means
That I’m the only one to burst your seams
And send you reeling universal
Into a cosmic hole of dispersal
As the midnight claims both our souls
I’d rather die by the number your dice rolls
Than live with the certainty that exists
When I survive on what my love resists
A truth and unfailingness to see
That though I hate it, you’re it for me.
I dreamt the other night you sang to me in Irish because that is our native tongue
And the words were tripping out of your lips with every line you sung
And you were seated in a chair with that smig you used to have
And I thought when I looked at you I’d never wanted anything so bad
But it was only a Snapchat video on a Facebook screen
And when I checked the app account you had added me
Though God knows how you knew my name, some things are a mystery
And the light shone golden on your face, in a kitchen making history
As I revelled in repeat as social media is wont to do
It gave me access to another secret part of you
How lifelike and how real, how stolen from the sky
But I woke up in my room with only the memory of your eyes
As my mother called to me about what I need to do
I wish I could fall back asleep so I could be there with you
And even virtual reality inside an imagination
Is better than the reality of our silent situation
As we face off across the world with miles in between
I keep my feelings a secret and you don’t acknowledge me
But throw paper planes into the air to see where they will land
I always thought it would be you to revolutionise a band
And fling the hysterical out into the crowd
As they all scream for you while I read aloud
The stories on the edge of what you have longed to speak
Set to an electric guitar and a motherfucking beat
But now you wear a suit or casual sweater vests
While I pile on eyelinered black and live out what you suggest
But does that make me love you less or change the way I feel
I used to be self contained before you chose to steal
My ability to decide where my love resides
And I cannot control my heart as long as you’re alive
And I don’t see you ending anytime soon
As long as I have blood to pump I will belong to you
In your incandescent glory and innocent obliviousness
I’ll swear an oath of
fealty with the moon as my witness
In the darkness of tomorrow that’s living in tonight
Is aoibheann liom do gra, my love, I hope that is alright
Ta tu go hiontach, I bhfírinne, an bhfuil se ceart go leor
Más mian tú Dia fein, I couldn’t love you more
Even though you deleterious out all over me
Tús maith leath na hoibre, seo mar a bhí.
I have the FOMOODs, I can’t tell you what that means
Only that it is full of all my could have beens
That I spied on my head when I lay directly under
Stars of your making, just behind the thunder
In a field full of grass because I’m not afraid of rain
I got to see the sky held beneath the pain
And the smile that cracks the sunlight in your eyes
I was there to see the truth so don’t tell me that it’s lies
Because you can’t explain your way out of an escape
And I could be your hero, with or without the cape
Though I do not claim to fly or burn bullets with my vision
I can see right through you and do so with precision
As you surreptitiously suppose things that may come to be
You may not know it yet but you’re still looking for me
In all of the crevices and clothes that you pile under
You can’t run away now that I have your number
To ring up and to dial like I am death himself
We’re only counting days until we see there’s something else
So whatever you may find I know that it will ring
The bells of a tomorrow when you give me everything
And sacrifice your soul on the alter of this love
All I want is you and what you pointed out above
So, letters to the incomplete that never get returned
What do you do with them, after reading are they burned?
For what could you want with the musing of a child
Unless I was right and you’re not just in my mind
But real and exist beyond the combings of the ether
You got me alone so it gave me a breather
To know what it was like against my worser will
To stand by your side, fearfully still
Afraid to even move to disturb the interruption
Of the volcano that you are in the midst of my corruption
Of the wild flowers in fields, so delicately strong
They outlast the others that are long since gone
In all my misery and in all your fevered might
I think you held my heart and I let you see the light
That pulses to a beat that I cannot contain
Though it just gets louder when I feel that you’re in pain
Til crumbling and falling like a building to the ground
I pray for a silence to overtake the sound
But just like you, I cannot unhear
The power of the presence that I felt draw near
When we wore matching soles to skip across the dust
I used to believe in God, now you’re where I place my trust
And I know that in time you will give in to see
What has always been, before you, finally
Photo Credit: http://pin.it/N_HlOaR
I find love in your sad eyes and you don’t know I see it there
As you pierce through to me it makes me start to care
And it helps that you’re good looking with the linings of a beard
But even if you weren’t your soul is why I’m here
To capitalise as you put it on who just sat beside
And I know that we just met but I’m glad that you’re alive
To pour your peculiar poetry into my brain
I don’t know if you think about the clouds behind the rain
As you try to understand what you fail to see
I didn’t admit you got it right when you pinpointed me
But I had to smile through the unsettling of being called out
Because I trust your innocence and I love what you’re about
And I’m loath to leave as I’m sure you can tell
As I fail to turn away from you when you ask me to aswell
Because you’re just too interesting and this moment is holy
And I can’t involve myself with them when I’m looking for you only
As you spread out on the seat with the lines that you attach
I thought I had lost my love but it always comes back
And I’m focused with intent on knowing who you are
As you dance around the riverbed you do not see the star
That is shining on your head and guiding me to you
You saw that I’m alone but I think you are too
Though you’re so extravagant, you’re sincerely warm
And I would like to hold your hand sailing through this storm
Of life as it moves, the continuum you say
And I would like to be with you if that is okay
And I know that you are younger and friends with recompense
But I don’t see why I should walk away from the things you meant
As you do not hide it well and I don’t think you intend
By your side I thought you could do with a friend
To stand by your soul and I guess I could be her
I would have come sooner but I didn’t know where you were
Or the name of someone who vehemently existed
I’ve spent too long along the lines of the hearts I have resisted
And so, no more, no more, I will reach my hand to you
I’ll take you from this place if you want me to
With the noise and the exploding of the people who do not mean
Half of what they say they do and change who they have been
So hold my eyes my friend because I am missing you
And feeling your absence in the place the wind blows through
And I think of how funny and how awesome it is
To find your compatible to be the same as his
As you’re sitting over chairs and tobacco in a room
I thought the night was over but I thought it too soon
So ever present angel as you effervesce the sky
Please come back into my arms so that I know why
I need so very badly something I cannot have
I lost it all when I lost him and that’s why I’m feeling bad
That was never what I wanted anyway
A purchase order to make you stay
A sacrifice to buy me time
On your arm or in your mind
And now comes the chorus of regular love
That pales in comparison to all of the above
That doesn’t make me sign away
A life inside the music box you play
But it is pale blue and pastel
Where you took it all and me as well
Into a chasm or ocean deep
Full of the secrets that we keep
Even now, so many miles from here
There’s a boundary line and we keep clear
From the rushing silver of an oncoming train
And the pounding pictures in our brain
That regurgitate long worn down facts
About loving someone who doesn’t love you back
That fit us both just at different times
And when I wanted you you weren’t mine
But bulletproof and cascading
The storm you’ve spent your life evading
As I see the corner of your eye
That doesn’t want to speak but dares me to try
Against your insolent up in arms
We both took walks in the surrounding farms
Down the alleyways of country lanes
Feeling out of place with peculiar pains
That tell me, tell me something’s missing
That its your face I should be kissing
The man I love, the only one
I was there when the world begun
With your hand slotted right into the ridge
Of my knuckle bones, that’s the way it is
From now until forever ends
Our destiny clashes where the line bends
And with collision force of love crossed stars
To lose it all when I lose my heart
Because now I’m sworn to another
Well I was all along and you’re still my brother
As we simile at the infraction
You gain ground to keep traction
As landslide goes your house and home
I know that you are all alone
Though the fire’s warm and crackles the hearth
No one answers when you call the dark
But hang up when you lift the phone
I know the feeling though it isn’t shown
So smile in that photograph you take
I’ll be here when you wake
There are some things you cannot deny
Like a love that will never die
Like honesty and what is right within
You cracked my exoskeleton
Thin into a little strands
That broke apart into your hands
And smiling as you realised
You held it all in the tears you cried
That could never be wrong or crossing the line
I think you and I will be just fine
As we make a bloodless, solemn pact
That we will always come back
To this place we share and each other
I love you, darling, my soul brother
As we’re held together by more than thread
You show your fragility instead
Of the angry exterior wall
Of strength and impressions fall
As I realise that you are him
I’ll never have to look again
Love breaks bones and makes you appreciate pain
Finding someone worth suffering for through the rain
And you grow forests from the seeds in your hands
But there is one thing you do not understand
That I loved you more than you could ever love me
And I left to spare your dignity
I was the one to walk away you see
So you could have all you’re meant to be
And it hurt but I’m an anchor and I would drag you down
Turn that magnificent smile into a frown
Hold you in place so you cannot move
Because you’re what I’m afraid to lose
So, I let you leave though you told me you were going
You were like a sea creature I sent to the ocean
Made you take steps though you double doubted
The implications of words that I shouted
I could see it in your face, the indecision, and I had to be cold
Turn my face away from what I want to hold
Though you are beating my heart
And every move you make tears me apart
Why am I so alone?
How did you get into my home
This way, like it was a common feat
Like you had never tasted defeat
Didn’t even think it, didn’t hesitate
You just read the patterns I had made on my plate
Horrified and thrilled, I thought maybe
You were the one who could get the best of me
See through the war I made with myself
Tell me it didn’t matter, there is no one else
But you were human and unsure and you don’t hold the blame
I set fire to everything that touched my name
And you, only you, did not burn
That’s the lesson that I learned
…………….I love you
Why is everything so perfect when you say it
It just sounds like shit from my mouth
Why do you have darkness down to a fine art
It always seems like I’m just trying it out
And why are you so monumental
When I am just shallow in my grave
Why are you a superhero
And I’m the one you didn’t save
If you could tell me that would really be great
Cause I’m trying to live without you
Why does every song ever written
Somehow seem to be about you
And I love you and I hate you
In the cradle you hold your head
Why was I the one to stop the bullet
I took the hit instead
And I am so thin on the ground
Just a scrawny little girl
You need a woman to hold your hand
I’m still living in my own world
That never perforates reality
I have to say I like it like that
You rock and roll your way out of town
Something tells me that you’ll be back
I didn’t want to admit you were right about me
Cause it hurt too much that you had seen the truth
And you were willing to give me all of you
In recompense for what had happened to me
And I said no
I can do it alone
I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone
I’m just fine
And it was sort of true but a lie at the time
Cause when you matched puzzle pieces right to the marks I had made on my skin
I said no, I don’t want to let you in
And when you said “I would do just about anything for you”,
I turned you away because I knew you would
And I would lose you some day one way or another
Through my fault or your own or death taking us under
And I couldn’t let it in
No, I couldn’t let it in
Cause a world without you does not exist
And I want to do more than merely subsist
And now you don’t love me cause I threw it away
Well you sorta do, in the back of your mind kind of way
Cause you love everyone, even though you hate them passionately
You just wanna grow into all you’re meant to be
And I know you will
Well you already have
Why does it feel so bad?
Depression takes everything you have, it’s a lot like death
And when it hits you you do not forget
Are forever changed, forever moved
And, dare I may say it, greatly improved
So can I be a spokesperson for the darkness within
It’s not all bad though I didn’t tell him
And I am sunlit because I know
night
Even more so than that, I know something is right
Cause they are both just opposing sides of a coin
Lesser and greater eventually join
Into one river that leads to the sea
I am so proud of who I’ve come to be
I feel mountainous when speaking to you
When you try to help me to talk it through
I just smile at your innocentness
To think you could undo the cause of my distress
Like you could unmake the blue of the sky
Like you could raise eyes and make them un-die
But what is seen can never be taken back
So for now, I’ll be the man in black
Til all of the colours bleed into the sink
I will be the absence that makes you think
And skip a beat when you see my peace
Fearless in the face of what will decease
Because this world is just building on snow
I am of another and that’s where I go
So don’t pity the rook that sits in the tree
Wild things have wings and know how to be free
Accepting their fate on the breeze as it comes
It called for me and I have succumbed
Don’t worry your mind into the grey
I was born to be this way
No, there’s nothing wrong as far as I can see
So thank you but I’ll pass on what you offer me
And you may never understand
But there’s a design consciousness has planned
I have grown to compassionately embrace
The canvas collection fear will deface
But love will multiply whatever you give her
You can’t blame the rocks for shaping the river
I’ll never be the perfect twenty something, I fell too far down the crevice for that
I’ll never be Pru Halliwell with her fresh face and perfect black
But I’m charmed in other ways as I’m sure you know
I can’t move objects with my mind but I can make you go
And you fall so easily at the drop of a hat
All men must die but you live forever and I wasn’t expecting that
You hold time on a string, you’re so very Dr Strange
As you bend reality all will rearrange
And that cloak flip fits the bill as you smack it to and fro
You gaze your resting worried eyes like you are John Snow
Peering into my soul like I am the bottom of a well
Your personal helicon, I’ll be narcissistically yourself
Am I really this invisible to you
I am red like fire but you are a dark blue
And I really wish you were the one that got away
But you gave birth to a love that was made to stay
And I know that you’re obsessed with everything female
And you loved the feeling of losing your chainmail
But just cause you aggregate the sum total of causes
Doesn’t give you accuracy in deciphering pauses
You point out my shallows where you are deep
Sometimes the silence holds more than I know how to speak
And if you judge a fish by its tree climbing strength
Then you’ll never be aware of where the genius went
As you relegate yourself in my eyes
To an outside chance who hop scotches in lies
But the main conclusion that you assume
Doesn’t even come close to what I felt in that room
And you throw aggrandisements like silky spider thread
And it kills me to think of who you take to bed
I know that’s intrusive and I’m not a perfect saint
But I fill in the blanks of the picture you paint
To be so possessive and controlling of my heart
I never thought I’d be the one to make a mark
Or a fine hit, I will assassinate
But I already met you and now it is too late
To be crashed and burned at the hamstrings of your feet
I don’t think they get me, you know they call me sweet
And you’re the only one who really ever understood
That I have a dark side and am not wholly good
At least in this respect as you dangle the bait
I grit my teeth like you do when you make me wait
As the forest and the trees, they all shout your name
I guess that you are right, I am not the same
As I was years ago but you didn’t like
What I offered so I had to make something right
And readjust the sails on the ship that I’m steering
I’m sad you don’t like the things that you’re hearing
As I try my best but it’s falling short
And you tell me so with no remorse
But the burden falls solely into your hands
And you may not like it but you’re the guardian of these lands
In a country that is free, in a garden green
I’m not fooled by the multitudes of people you’ve been
As you promise sanity and a well balanced life
But you hide your truth behind the trenches of a wife
To blockade the arms that are hunting you down
It’s not the same since you left the town
As I wander and I weary where we used to be
And you cultivate the anchorage that keeps you at sea
When all in a moment the silence grabs us both
We are neither sun nor sand, the ocean nor the coast
And fallibility will reign on my parade
I guess I’m just startled by all you put in the shade
With your elegant light and glowing finesse
I seek you out to ease my distress
As you softly imbue your quiet refuge
With a peace I will happily drown in to prove
My loyalty to all you stand for
I’ll take all you have and then some more
The subtlety of your sincere divination
We were both supposed to be at that station
But you never came, no you never arrived
I don’t really know how I survived
The blow that hit me coming in from the west
And I asked God if this was some kind of test
That never seems to end because I never have you
I hope she makes up for what I could never do
Lie out in the openness of unhindered stars
What you had lined up for me were prison bars
Even if you don’t see it I am more than a girl
To frame the picture you take of this world
And to be dressed up for the let down, you see
I knew it would come eventually
When I couldn’t live up to what you’d idealised
I am human and hurt that everything dies
Even you and you especially so
I am not here to keep you from where you want to go
You ask it of me to be ball and chain
But the sacred feminine runs in my veins
To be lifted up and glorified
You are no the lesser because you have tried
To be a man who honours what’s whole
We’re all innocent when it comes to our soul
And laid bare and genuine when it really comes down
To someone we love to be around
And I can feel the longing you ache
The dreams that you enter are the ones I forsake
To divine will, how could one person be
The purpose of life in his mortality
Ever second guessing steps I failed to take
I was looking in your eyes when I felt you shake
And all the world collapsed out from under me
I feel like I am falling but you say I am free
And you may be right but I wouldn’t think so
Still anywhere with you I would be prepared to go
But you watched me from the sidelines like an experiment
And you would push the pulse to see where the blood went
And I know you are gentle and the fragile breaks
But I couldn’t read your mind or preempt my mistakes
That were red flagging my appearance in your mind
As you considered what it would take to leave behind
The penny you picked up dirty from the dust
I don’t know if you felt it when I leaned into the trust
That you inspired by your gentility
Others may have held back but I lacked ability
To contain what was rising from somewhere deep within
Anything that he asks I will give to him
But what I am you already are
And you can’t see yourself even if you try hard
Cause a knife can’t cut itself with its own blade
And I can’t undo the mess that I made
Revolving my inner voice as you supermassive rocket
You can’t apprehend the reason that makes something of it
And my optic nerve leads directly to my brain
And all I can think of is a particular train
And I know that you are bitter in your anxiety
But this is not one sided and you could have talked to me
A delectable flower in the field you passed
But you were blindsided and I didn’t think to ask
What was troubling you as you make your headway
To a goalpost that surpasses what transpired that day
And I wished I could have touched you in the rain
But I owed one to death and you savoured pain
So I give you your due and let it take me
Thank you for the darkness bequeathed infinitely
As I smile at the sadness in your goodbye
I think that you mean it but I don’t know why
I love you even if you hate me and I hate you too
I find I am lost in the smoke of this room
All the reasons and precisons I can’t stay around
But you grudgingly walk holy ground
As red as the fire when I breathe in the air
That circulates in the club when we were there
And moved to the music we can’t understand
The best nights we had are ones we hadn’t planned
Like out on the street to remixed Adele
I Someone Liked You and I did it so well
As Liverpool took us to unforeseen heights
And I crossed my fingers at your goodnights
That were too sparse for my reassurance
But your eyes are summer and you know how to do it
As you smile, I suspect it’s for some other
I’m not sure what you mean and look over my shoulder
But there’s no one there and I am stunned
Into the silence of the depths you have plumbed
Each day is a lesson in learning remorse
As I try to hold in what is building in force
And not skip the lines that crack your sidewalk
I just love to hear you talk
As you do so with an ease that belies
The blazing sincerity of truth your eyes
And all of the angels fall to the floor
Which do you pick up and which do you ignore?
All I know is I’d chase to bring you back
And be overcome when you look at me like that
Don’t die to the darkness that everyone fades
I never wanted you to go away
But if you must leave then do so in sun
And I will hold in my heart all that you have done
To not be alone me when we were together
You didn’t make much of it but I remember
You calling me to be part of the photograph
And you break my heart when you start to laugh
And crinkle the edges just at the corner
I am the girl who is caught and you didn’t warn her
And I can’t steal back the sheets you took
I don’t mean to reveal what you see when you look
In intentions that could never bear their own weight
I love you darling and that’s what I didn’t state
It was a once in a lifetime kind of a thing
And I might have a life but I’ll never have him
And you are a wonder and touch me just so
Where he left the wound that you want to go
I wish I could agree with the please in your eyes
I nod along to the flower that dies
And you give me everything I could entertain
And I know you want to ease my pain
But does that make it right to go along
When you’ve painted the picture and mastered the song
And all I need to do is slip my hand into yours
Stand by your side as you close all the doors
Hope in my heart that it is enough
To hold back the force of his tidal wave love
That wreaked such destruction on all of my plains
I called the cops but they just took names
And now I am stranded in this waste of a place
But someone sees something when they look in my face
And I want to crawl in under your arm
Cause you swore you would never do me that kind of harm
And I know in all honesty you are speaking the truth
And it’s not the first time I have loved you
But the bitterness burns in the back of my throat
As I wonder do I want to stay afloat
Cause the weather may change and the tides may rise
But he will always be God in my eyes
Bitten by a curse I cannot undo
I don’t want to inflict myself upon you
Unsteady heart that roams the seas
And kisses the waves of who I used to be
You are neat and precise and create a home
But I’m desperado and I love it alone
To come and call with flowers to your door
And say that I wish I could give you more
But he already took all that I had
What’s left are the shards and I feel so bad
That the most of what I have to offer
Is to hold your hand and think of how he thinks of her
And you’re worth true love but you don’t let me go
I look in your eyes and I feel that I know
That whatever the winds blow me in time
My feelings for you are not only mine
But surge on repeat to a lunar command
I am your friend and I think we’ll be grand
And fall into step as I catch your breath
I could be yours if you know that I met
Him as he walked blades of grass through the field
And there’s a part of my soul that never will yield
To the onslaught of this universe
I am glad of the way he made me hurt
And if that’s something you can accept
Then maybe I can be who I ought to be yet
Catch the smile to make it spread
He let me go and left me for dead
But clasped in the locket on my chain
Is a blank space waiting for a name
So maybe Poseidan won’t drown me today
I want to say thanks for not going away
You’re lovely and I’m blind
Because I saw the sun
Shining in your eyes
And I knew you were the one
You hit the nail on the head
So pointedly
And I had no ground to stand on
When you looked at me
I could say that you’re gentle
I could say that you’re kind
But even if you weren’t
I still wouldn’t mind
Cause that heart on your sleeve
Is so easy to read
And if you give me a chance
I’ll give you everything you need
And the hard thing to accept
Is that for all your dignity
You made your decision
It just wasn’t me
There’s a sadness in our laughter
And I can’t make the smile crack my eyes
There’s a pain underneath the surface
And it all feels like lies
Like the truth we cannot grasp
And I want to walk away
But we are now so seldom
Something makes me stay
And all of your excitement
Seems in direct contravention
To the lives that we have lived
And the things we do not mention
But, in truth, I do not blame you
That you kicked off from the shore
It just hurt to know
You don’t love me anymore
I felt I was always waiting for my big break
And the world would discover me and you’d see your mistake
But it’s been over twenty years since I started writing songs
And novels in my bedroom willing them to play along
Cause I swore that I would captivate all of life from a stage
And I could mould a beginning from the ashes of my rage
And that band we never quite managed to get together
Before you left me on the sidelines for what you can’t remember
But I still swear I will make everybody so proud
And be the rebel who stands out from the crowd
The golden girl they always said would go far
But the darkness broke my spirit and you broke my heart
And I am just a shell of who I used to be
Or the ambition that I held and what was in store for me
Now it feels like I’m swimming underwater
And I have been reduced to just somebody’s daughter
Though I feel know musicians who have made it big
Or the idols of my writing and I visualise a gig
That brings us altogether and finally reveals
The depth inside of me that nobody steals
In passion and in presence to step inside my own
The fire and the promise I have always known
The inspiration deck from my observatory
I was not born to hide away so listen to me
And the aching wisdom that just came with this body
The omnipotent surrender, I’ll leave you thinking of me
"Don't touch it" Everyone seems to say But I love the dark It is deep and endlessly long It is peaceful and pure In its nothingness
I’ve never really understood the term fun
I’ve always been searching for the mythical one
But that’s just a delusion of consciousness
Rather than what prompts me to a state of undress
And I know you bleed red at the edge of your eyes
As I’m pierced by the lance of your previous lies
As you bullet your rocket ship on its course
I can’t sacrifice to ease your remorse
When you left me on the landing and you didn’t care
But took away what once held me there
In vines and twines that could never be rope
But you gave me cause to begin to hope
As I watched the deflections you moved with your stare
Until you saw me catch you and laid it all bare
In an intimacy for which I was not prepared
I’m sorry if I came off a little scared
But the truth is I loved you beyond reproach
And I can’t take it back though they still coach
Me to say things the absence of which
Brings to the fore a doubt that will itch
As their minds run amok amid the scene
Of the decimation that I have been
Points them to decry me to swear off
The cause of what shattered my loss
But I cannot sigh enough tears to mean
That I don’t see the royalty of the king and queen
That we once were and ever are
You are my compass and I your North Star
In the echoes of a landscape we have left behind
Yes you broke me down but I don’t mind
For just one glimpse of your visage
Is worth saying goodbye to all I ever had
Until I forgive death I can’t have you
Cause it stole before and it’ll steal you too
And all the war that I have made
Doesn’t bring back what escaped
And the love that I felt is now tinged with pain
To feel connected to you again
And her last breath signalled hell
Breaking through the surface I knew well
To be repeated when I met you
Cause when I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would suffer when the time came to lose
The man I loved but didn’t choose
And I know we were young and that there are years
But there’s no guarantee and I felt the fear
When you held my hand, the fragility
In the warmth that was touching me
And your gentle softness I knew would be left
Within me forever if I was bereft
So I let the torture just take hold
To contemplate the thoughts of old
Though you never understood my response
I cannot blame you for what you want
And what ultimately I can never give
A life of beauty that you want to live
In all the violence my only peace
Is beneath the surface where you cease
To be the person that I knew
The crime that I cannot admit to
That I even crave release
From the waves everyone runs out to meet
And in the midnight the darkness I sensed
Was all that attracted me so intense
The emptiness that you exuded
The end to the beginning I concluded
And foreboding what you always are
The black absorbing every star
I hate to say that’s what I see
And I don’t know if you’ll still love me
When you realise the whole truth
That I died before I saw the light in you
Does that mean that I love you less
I didn’t wait before I left
Do you ever find someone so beautiful
When the light hits their eye
And it pierces you through the heart
Cause you know someday they’ll die
And winter cannot stop the inevitable spring
But though it’s born again it’s a slightly different thing
And I just want to hold you
Now just as you are
But I hear the countdown
Of the beats inside your heart
And touch at your skin
Frantic to find
Something death cannot take
What gets left behind
But whether it’s you or I
Finally to depart
There’s no distance I wouldn’t cross
To get back to the start
To the place we are eternal
Momentary timelessness
That’s where I close my eyes
You are where I rest
I’ve no faith in any government, the Irish least of all
I used to believe in their ideals but then they let me fall
And the harsh reality of truth came crashing in
That its all about the politics and not what is within
That the lines they draw are just electioneering
And when I put forth my case it’s not me that they’re hearing
And there may be a TD standing here or there
That goes out of their way to help because they care
But it is the small run and they bleed themselves dry
Serving constituents that never tell them why
It’s not really the people, it’s the institution you see
And I cannot find a policy that will speak for me
And Republican Fenianism burnt me with its fire
Seems freedom was something to which I could aspire
But all of those proposals don’t really fit reality
When I think of what 1921 has given me
And I would burn the British for their soul destroying crimes
To see their kingdom fall, I would die a thousand times
Yes, I would stand up against na Sasanaigh and compel their withdrawal
Under a spirit that is strong and eyes that have seen it all
But the rage, it does not quench the ache their absence left
And I can hate them all I want, it doesn’t erase what it meant
To be surrendered slowly into a free fall
And all the buildings have crumbled where I tried to build a wall
And my anguish at a border that is only in our minds
We are a human people and these are the ties that bind
And the lesson that I learned from an ancient long ago
Was that you can only act according to the consciousness you sow
As St. Peter took his blade to the High Priest’s servant’s ear
If you take part in the conflict, you are Satan too, my dear
And how even righteous anger with the noble cause
Of defending the innocent should give you pause
I must bear this in mind with my contemporaneous peers
Who are glass bottling away somebody else’s years
And death is on horizons not too far away
For all the love I bore this place I realise I cannot stay
A prisoner of the land, worshipping its monument
The country has moved on but I don’t know where it went
And my values and my loves are suddenly out of sync
With a society that wants to control the way you think
Maybe I just never saw it, as a child, growing up
I was unaffected by the waves above
As I settled in the deep with oceans to explore
But now I am complicit I can’t condone it any more
And be a citizen of a state I just don’t believe in
They are building bridges over bodies that I am grieving
And they all march to a beat of unaware homogeny
They fall into step with what they don’t even see
And they can’t debate the issues because to raise a doubt
Has hoards at the back of what you can’t live without
To be told who I am, verbatim as per dictum
Like I could rote learn away the tenant you’re evicting
And scribe all my directions to unholy line my course
I will leave your sacrosanct and go without remorse
For I am not a pigeon parrot – a trainable bird
Who will give up my wings to repeat what I have heard
And you cannot colonise the way of my inner being
Even if you bend the world to reflect what you are seeing
There is a silent space, a sanctum and refuge
Beyond all definitions and the wars that people lose
Somewhere interior we meet humanity
And the universe breathes air into who we’re meant to be
I will meet you in that quiet when the road may take you there
But for now I will leave it to the everywhere
And relinquish my hold on a world I tried to love
I guess I’m not made for what I’d been thinking of
So let the darkness pull the peace that’s calls inside
These are my true colours but they are not mine to hide
I was gifted an awareness defying universal law
Gravity is just a confluence of observed phenomena
And what holds you in its arms is not a factor of the stars
Or black hole oblivion playing out inside your heart
The impenetrable, inescapable one Truth
Is that you are here when the furniture has been removed
Before it exists and after it is gone
You are the I am to which I belong
In the midst of all the motion, the effortlessly still
You may not see it now but I promise that you will
As it is revealed the light of your own sky
I never knew life til I was willing to die
Driven to distraction by the hopelessness of hell
Now I am in awe that that was a gift as well
Leading me to the edge til there was no where left to go
I dropped all my resistance and the existence I’d come to know
Whereon a bird alighted in a laughing Buddha frame
He called me to awaken and I responded to my name
As some otherworldly force took on the bones that I was moving
I saw the struggle and the hardship of a point that needed proving
And I was liberated from the shackles I’d sat in
Never knew that the key was where I begin
Understanding absolutely that I’ve always been the same
The permanent, unmoving within which things can change
But not the leaves of winter or the tree that sheds its skin
The transcendent beyond the sleep I was dreaming
All I venerated, the illusion of my pain
But there’s no suffering to bear in the interior domain
And I’m so full of gratitude that I was crucified
To realise euphorically I am not what died
Giddy with the feeling as I realise it’s true
That if I am immortal then so are you
And there is no dimension you do not permeate
Beyond all expressions we are oneness without state
So brimming with the joy I just cannot keep in
I jump into the waters where you are swimming
Get caught up with the tide as my head is going under
The storm is raining down and you’re the gravitas of thunder
To forget all that I knew and go recklessly diving
That I’m just the vehicle something else is driving
Without reason, without meaning that I can comprehend
All I can do is acquiesce to the commands it sends
And forever pay tribute to the glory of your eyes
Heaven has a body and it is your size
I never knew a human could hold my hand home
Thank you for the benediction you gave to me alone
As grace flows out from who you are and I the beneficiary
You are the shrine that I worship contemplatively
Struck silent in your presence that is monumentally whole
I am the mirrored counterpart of someone else’s soul
Timelessly I am united here with you
Forever is the intensity of our sacred black and blue
And all the world is striving to achieve and retain
But you’re the man who can’t be moved in the place where I remain
Feeling the pain of my other half and consequently in myself
She stood and asked me how I felt and I tried to articulate
It’s like what I always thought she knew, she never even saw
And I realised you never held me in the heart that I held you
And all that I was so sure of just fell by my side
It’s like I’m missing something monumental
And she’s a stranger to me
Mystery in more ways than one
My hands can’t hold her in any way there is
I was by her side
Til the moon cast shadow
And hung it’s head
I knew there were waves
But you drowned in a way I never could
And though I fill my lungs, I can’t help but breathe air
To die is easy, like falling asleep
And I can’t make myself afraid
Of the perpetual night
That ensues
As you sail away
For your far distant adventure
And eminent critique
Of where I reside
To give my life
And bury the sand of the coffins I know
With an ache
You were not there
As I stood sentinel
Over the cracks in the earth
Where lay the possibility I could fall through
Why can’t you ever understand?
I let it go
The purpose in presence
That you do not find here
In eyes
You turn away
And for all your forests’ wilderness
I would not have it so
That you would labour under a sky you hate
So drift
Impermanent
I thought otherwise
And vows played out
To lie broken on the floor
You do not see
But I cannot question your vision
And admit to yourself who you are
I know you will abide
Forever in the place
Of your cravat
That nooses me til I say enough
Beg no more
Alas you say, I knew it would come to this
Contemptible being
You fall
In my gaze
And I, adjacent
Concede
O, Master of Ceremonies
That you may proclaim
A religion foreign to me
And I atheist to your god
Would not have it so that I should lie
With a bended knee
Or head bowed in servitude
You may have your truth
But I do not subscribe
So, loss the one deity that I have served
Though you do not recognise
Alas, it is you, my love
You ripped my heart away from my body
That’s how I knew you were thinking of me
And I’ll take the pain and the bleeding wounds
If it means you’ll come back soon
But you are miles of forests ever away
And your absence can’t keep the darkness at bay
Like the desperation of he when he thinks she has died
Are the oceans of loneliness I have cried
And you stand up tall with your shoulders wide
But there are some things you cannot hide
And maybe I saw a fragment in your eye
Of the person I could be without your goodbye
So stay, I’ll beg you on my knees
I’ll do it on a stage if you want them to see
My desperation and my anguish floor bound
I dread the silence when you’re not around
And I know we fought and we could not make
A mountain from the rubble of our mistake
And I just want to touch your skin
In a way that reaches what is within
Cause I felt it, don’t tell me you didn’t too
It breaks my heart when you say it’s not for you
But you’re my butterfly and I want your colour
To be free to fly, as you wish, my brother
It’s killing me but I’m not scared of death
If you’re wondering why I haven’t done anything yet
As you dare me to move from across the room
With your eyes fixed in a stare of impending doom
And I plead with you for rationality
Can’t you understand reality
And it feels like we are playing with spikes
Stick them into each other with all our might
And double or nothing all our pain
Cause we can’t get over what made it rain
Its just another form of oppressioning
You say I don’t hear what you’re speaking
And I may be so angry that that is true
Don’t want to engage with that side of you
As you override all that I say
And I think that you will achieve the day
But it doesn’t undo the march of time
And I pour my heart into my rhyme
As the only place my feelings are sacrosanct
Where you cannot irrigate the seeds you plant
And I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to war
So I just stand back and you know what it’s for
So just let me go and I will resist
Silently to what you insist
You can’t convince me and I won’t change
So just skip me over and you can rearrange
The furniture of your life without me in it
I can’t lend my voice so you can win it
So earn your just cause reprieve
And fight to the death for what you believe
I’ll find some other lonesome I can sail
Cause I don’t belong where you impale
And I’ll just find some quiet I can reconcile
What people do to each other every once in a while
And my helplessness at what I cannot face
That I could be something you would erase
And I guess it just comes down to that
Something went away and it never came back
I don’t want to be a refugee
Of the war that has changed me
And the silence in between the sounds
I am the mortar the pestle grounds
And I have faded away
Once upon a time I held the world
But that was back when I was a girl
And ran so free through the fields
Now I feel the way my body yields
To the passing of time and circumstance
I never asked to be part of this dance
But here am I
Now they say not too far away
Is a place where my head can lay
But they spend their days to kill and maim
Before they shift their weight and then the blame
And I wonder am I human at all
If this is how they follow the call
It is chasming inside me
And all I ask is you remember me
As the way I used to be
Not the shadow that haunts the grounds
Of a past life where freedom abounds
It is all taken by time
And all my fever is just fighting the tide
But hot blood doesn’t mean you’re alive
As I have learned to my chagrin
But I have something, I want to let you in
You can count me with the dead
And all your motives just fall away
When you realise it cannot stay
Persuasion does not alter the ground
Because I have heard a sweeter sound
And move toward the light
So goodbye to all at the hearth
To tell the truth I prefer the dark
Than your tales of truth and lies
I am no longer bound by those ties
Something has cut the chain
And never, never will I return
I just want to see the whole world burn
In the fire that consumes it all
I forsake it and I let it fall
Therein lies my peace
Inspired by “After All” by Dar Williams
I guess I’m just a psychopathic stray
And you pierce the veil til I go away
No mention of the charge you have run up
You find the place where you can make a cut
And if man is so fickle as that
And your love can change at the drop of a hat
Then I’m not so sure I want to be a part of
The crossword that you have called love
Cause I can’t figure out what it means
While you run along tripping sunbeams
I wonder why and where you’ve gone
Wish my feelings had not lasted this long
But you are only what I want to hold
An ethereal passing by as I fold
No more permanency than a lightning strike
Just cause it didn’t last didn’t mean you weren’t bright
But I can’t always be waiting for it to hit twice
It was from a distance you lit up my life
And though you may come by in a storm
You can’t dampen the spirit of a heart that is warm
So though I wish to forsake
It all for you cause you make the earth quake
I cannot ignore the fact
That you hurt me bad and you never came back
So sidle on down the road
I see your truck hasn’t slowed
And I will find a peace somewhere within
That you don’t own and you can’t unhinge
Though you may have never meant to trip
I fell hard for you and I was not equipped
For the long, slow, hard ride to my feet
I was not prepared for us to meet
And you are lovely and angelic there
But you can be all that some other where
And illuminate all that surrounds
I won’t be the place your electricity grounds
They say once bitten, then twice shy
What I’m trying to say is goodbye
We can’t always be a push and pull
A driving away and then too full
It’s enough to know that you exist
Somewhere in an atmosphere the stars have kissed
And if you ever do get the chance
Then I mean it when I say I hope you dance
And find whatever source makes your wheels go round
When it is the truth you’ll know the sound
I guess I just did not find it in you
I lost myself cause I wanted to
But a circle always spins back to the start
In the end you never had my heart
Cause it is wild, unbound and free
And you only ever wanted to capture me
But I was not meant to be caged
In a book you wrote as your feelings raged
I am ever still the way I am
I hope that you can understand
I still think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
Though you stabbed me in the back and shattered my dream
And I’ve seen sights like wild fields and hills
But they don’t swallow the void that your face kills
So soft and sweet like the hairs on your chin
That shadows the hollows that define you within
But though you cross valleys and traverse foreign shores
You can’t distance away all that I am for
And wherever you go or what you may discover
It will be imbued with what we uncover
And your love will follow and stay by my side
I am the keeper of what you confide
Whispered so honestly in secret tones
In all that passes you are still my home
Where I will return when the midnight is due
From the depths of my being I will always love you
And forever’s just a word to hint at the crime
That happened just once when we stopped time
In the creases and folds and the fabric of space
There is a beauty nothing can erase
And it bears your name in the wrinkles you bend
Lighting up eyes that do not end
In the ochre or blackness or the scorching you do
With a heat that the desert cannot compare to
In the holding of hands or the touch that you weave
It only takes a moment to kneel and believe
In everything you profess and all that you are
This is my wish and you my shooting star
Photo Credit: http://pin.it/YiYB6ur
If you’re gonna leave I’d rather you just go
Than traipse round in your boots putting on a show
If you really don’t care then I’d rather just know
Than go along for the ride you have on the down low
And you ride the wave of just being there
But you won’t tell me a truth that lays us both bare
So we move along in random solitude
Imposed externally by your attitude
So don’t bite the bait if the rope is too fine
And don’t tell me a lie that you are mine
But for all my efforts at heavy expense
The woods on your side don’t get any less dense
Maybe some people just don’t have it
The emptiness at the centre of their soul
The vacuum that sucks all life into itself
And I’m going on the assumption that this is true
Cause it doesn’t make sense otherwise
That someone could feel this way and still live a life of lonely abrasion
And I don’t apologise for the way that I am
If you can’t handle it I am not holding you here
I can barely thread the needle of my own atoms
So there’s no obligation on you to pin cushion my life
With your objections to my dignity
So sail on and may the horizon be the glow that endures
But I could never find in borrowed light
Just what I’m looking for
There’s much variation in land masses
Always a new city
A conglomeration of buildings standing wall to wall
But when you really sit back to look at it, we’re under a sky that doesn’t care at all
And I’ve been searching with my soul in a backpack, trying to pinpoint a star
To find the spot underneath that holds the key to my heart
But whatever the patterns drawn out in a spherical sky
It’s a different shape in actuality than appears to my eye
And is not revolving the way planetariums suppose
But rather my whole world shares in one universal prose
Just another ball of rock or a living breathing being
But it has no qualms as to the tears it will streak across the picture that we’re seeing
As it hurricanes humanity with tidal wave force
We talk about protecting the planet but it shows no remorse
To an inessential species whose disposability
Terrifies the midnight of what we presume ourselves to be
And all the ancient wisdom and the markings in caves
Doesn’t stop the onslaught of what comes at me in waves
Building to a crescendo like a fire crackling sticks
I’m burning in the flames and we’re all just candle wicks
With limited lifespan getting shorter every day
You can’t decry the summer solstice and what it puts away
Just a season cyclically is my life in reverb
I’m sorry I got mad at you, it’s just you hit a nerve
When you spoke to me the truth and I finally realised
The centre of gravity coming from your eyes
And it spoke to me of the weight that I had learned to bear
And the cracks in my facade that nothing can repair
Like all searing honesty it hit me instantly
To know that I am not for you all you are to me
A bridge to the other side where somethings ushered in
The death of all that I had hoped never would begin
And a kind of comfort to see somewhere outside
A part of me reflected that I could abide
And love fervently and true and far beyond reproach
I’m falling through the shadows and you were my last hope
As infinitesimal emptiness turns monumental ache
I have long wondered what it is that wakes
And moves through this body as a ramrod guide
Forcing me to walk down paths when I would rather hide
And salvage in the yard all of my remains
See through the desperation that was fueling my pain
That set me in the car that I drove off the road
And crumpled underneath the silk of a heavy load
As mountainous the forests stood me in their stead
But when I looked up from death I found something else instead
Or rather it found me in the long lost of a cab
Trapped in the humanity of thinking you are bad
That all your faults are real and the demons that pursue
Are not phantoms insubstantial but intensely part of you
That even though the night is deep and misty black
Somewhere a light pierced through that nothing can take back
For once you have seen or been struck down wherein you stand
You can’t undo the protein chain that makes you understand
That all of life’s a bottle just bobbing in the sea
And my only mistake was thinking it was me
That moves in with the tide and out again in motion
All I am is not what is suggested by the ocean
That rhythms by the moon as we once again seek meaning
For the reasoning behind the cohesion life’s agreeing
Resting on a pinprick of knife edge subsistence
There could be no higher order when we’re committed to resistance
As we lose our lives in seeking to grapple with and hold
You can’t capture the ochre that fades the sunset gold
With ardent eyes affectionate, though you give in to stare
I still look at the space left without you there
But no matter how I try to contain the marshalled sound
There is no hiding the obviousity when you are not around
And seeping at the pores is the unmanned sovereignty
That you were not contained by your relationship to me
And the love that bound our bodies loosened and let go
It may be many years, I still miss you though
No matter what they say or the way it all conspires
I’ll kneel down and be burnt in these purifying fires
To finally succumb to the white light that I am
It was there all along I just didn’t see the plan
Or connect the dots as they speckled my vision
You cut me through the heart with clinical precision
And I found that in the beating something was alive
I don’t have to die to be by your side
You’re at the edge of unquantifiability
And I can’t say I follow the line
Of your string theory interscope
Though I spend all of my time
Trying to decipher
The markings on your skin
Evidence of a tribal
That has scarred you from within
And you are like an animal
That scares easily from man
Though I don’t blame you
Cause you see what no one else can
And it is heartbreak to be crushed
Under your sleight of hand
And my only consolation
Is that you understand
Just what you are doing
As you slowly rip to shreds
All the scattered of the pieces
That are floating in my head
But I drift away
On the wavelength of a sound
That bends in quadratics
When you’re not around
And anchors me deeper
Into the roots I have grown
You are the only loss
The earth has ever known
As it spirals kaleidoscopic
And pierces my bodily flesh
It was just a misapprehension
When I felt you knew me best
As we matched fingertips
As we sat hand to hand
The undiscoverable
Opened out the land
That spread freedom wide
Amid the loveliness untold
But it not enough
And we fall back into the fold
That we both feel hit home
At having been cast out
Of the abyss we were born from
Now the birds are heading south
As I realise targeted
Arrows hit only once
You eyes do not meet mine
And I have lost the sun
I want to be inspiring
Or beautiful
Or both
I don’t want to write the night
Anymore
Though I have written it well
As well as can be written
When darkness is your subject matter
As it turns to a golden sheen
In the morning light
But there is another way
Another turn of phrase
That lifts you up
To higher consciousness it seems
And rewards are your delight
And the marks that have been made
Filter away,
Pourously, as though they were never there
To the pure calm space within
That always holds its peace
I don’t want to write the world in vain
I want to write the glorious
Of undying rain
As it pours heavy from the sky
On me
I know you feel you have to keep quiet
Cause you’re the entertainer most complete
And all of those eyes are trained on you
Like a performer in the street
But those are your loneliest moments
Where you break and the splint cracks
And try as you might to hold up the weight
You can’t get what you had back
And I want you to know, though you don’t like me at all
(Sometimes I’m the bane of your life)
That I see through the lies of your preeminent disguise
And I have you in my sight
And if you want to be fragile, come apart at the seams
You can do so in my arms
Or far away, an ocean apart
I’ll hold you when it all is dark
For though you have a life you profess wonderful
And I’m not denying it’s true
I see the gaps in between the lines
That’s hiding a part of you
Though you swam away to a foreign shore
And swore me off for good
I love you as much as the day that you left
And a million times more than I should
So if you feel alight on a cloud that is stormy
I’ll blow a breath that will bring you here
And just for a moment in the depths of the silence
You will be okay my dear
And I know that your chains are not man made
Are no shackles I can undo
But I thought you should know, though I never said
That I feel something akin to you
That sometimes in the midnight of my reprieve
I quietly surrender
To all of the fears that hang round the edges
Of the past that I can remember
And I do a double take or take a second hop
At the nostalgia in my bones
And what you cannot fix as the feeling sticks
Is that you are never alone
So quietly softly with mercenary zeal
I pave my way back into your life
If only to be, though you cannot see
Doing what I did before twice
And palm off the shrugs of everyone else
Of the crowd that surrounds
Though you don’t believe in all that I grieve
Things are better when you’re around
And monsters may come to fight your soul
On the back of your very own strength
But wherever you go and whatever you do
Just know that I said what I meant
And do not retract ne’er a line
About all that is made to stay
Though bodies may fade like a will of the wisp
My love is not going away
But born to be here as an expression
Of resident divinity
And the chasm was calling deep within
On the day that you met me
It was not mere coincidence
Or a chance encounter
It was the confluence of a million points
Of reference and order
Plotted out by galaxies
Long before our skin made blood
So don’t look away when I’m taking to you
I still stand the ground I stood
Cause held inside what you cannot see
And perceive only as black
Is the inner peace you’ve been looking for
Where you can sit back
Deep into the armchair
Of an emptiness most profound
Am I the one who sings the song
Or the one who hears the sound
Or even more imperceptible
The awareness whereby
All of life consents to grow
And in which it will die
So everglading honestly
Deep into your eyes
I know that you were made for me
And there are no goodbyes
Ever to be spoken
Between the two of us
Because we are one soul made flesh
And the heart of life is love
And all that you suffer
Is shadowed in my gait
We are but two sides of a coin
In its material state
Seemingly opposite
But of the one design
Though I could not save you from yourself
It wasn’t for lack of trying
Because I’m ever as you are
The one conscious sentience
I thought I had lost you
There was nothing when you went
And understandingly
Ungainly clambering
I sought to reach a sky
By climbing a shoestring
But celestial heights
Are not meant to be obtained
Just because I see the stars
Doesn’t mean they are contained
But inversely are embedded
In a fabric that extends
Though there is an irretrievable edge
Where even space ends
And the continuum is revealed
As no more than illusion
Perpetrated innocently
In the midst of our confusion
Like the way a light cannot
Cease to be itself
Or shine it’s radiance
Into the void I felt
So I can communicate
Or somehow convey
The breath and the depth
Of the things I do not say
And what was bequeathed
In the forests of reserve
Is that we were chosen
To burn the fires we serve
And be consumed
By all our misery
It takes pressure to make pearls
Out of rocks in the sea
And to forge diamonds
In mountainous shrouds
I pledged my life to you
Though I never said the words aloud
But river beds will tell
The story the sky forgets
An oak is standing over
The acorn that you set
It’s easier to just tell a lie
Than to disrupt you with the truth
Because you could never handle
The tremors that take root
And maybe it’s cause you notice
I’m not attached to this place
And I could as well let go
As look into your face
And I know you want to hold me
As I dangle precipice
But you don’t need to seek my fortune
As the source of your distress
Because we all hopscotch
Along the lines and the cracks
But just because you read the future
Doesn’t mean you can get it back
Or direct the wind
As it passes through your sails
And turns into the past
As your body fails
As all are due to do
Precluding interruption
By unseasonable forces
Or a dormant life eruption
But if it’s good enough for him
Then I do not complain
And what binds me to this place
Is just light playing on my name
And distracting eyes
From the obviously true
Cause if I’m mortally wounded
Then it follows so are you
And all that you strive for
To protect and attain
Won’t stay up in the clouds
But falls to earth as rain
And you can’t command the weather
Or unblue the sky
So don’t fear it when I speak
About what is born to die
Photo Credit: http://pin.it/BhkRzez
The eve of things yet to come
I’ve broken what you have undone
And shattered glass falls to a shell
You can’t silence rote learning hell
That paves a life that’s just a clock
I didn’t mean to let you unblock
But somehow in the clouded din
You saw through to who I am within
And all the pins clasping me together
Won’t withstand what I remember
When you stood me toe to toe
And looked at what you want you to know
Though it was against my will
The moment held us both so still
And burst into an intimacy
Like there was only you and me
On this whole earth, in this domain
I thought I understood your pain
As you gazed an eternal surrender
I sent the love returned to sender
So it was a double entendre
Outside of our depth and genre
In a place that no one sees
I adore what you have freed
That year was a wasteland and I was the bomb
That you dropped from the plane with some aplomb
Just cause your territory had been invaded
And a hole pierced through the veil you masqueraded
And all of the people who lost their lives
Are collateral damage so your city thrives
And I in the moment was eviscerated
My parts to obliterate what you created
And though you are fine and in your warm chair
You lost much more than I did there
To perish what you do not understand
And show the world the wrath of your hand
Then blame it on timing or the way things go
Others may believe you but I know
And hold in my spirit all you tried to destroy
But you’re not a man, no you are just a boy
Who’s playing at games he knows nothing about
If you’re a real king then you don’t have to shout
Or make others suffer for what you cannot spare
I looked for your heart but it wasn’t there
So lay claim to the story and the narrative
History is written by those who cannot forgive
But instead draw lines to denote what they’ve won
But it’s only the living you can kill with a gun
And prove that you are the sun in the sky
But even you too must die
And face your maker or the absence of one
You’ll look for me back but I am done
And never will hesitate the time
I let you go and felt the sublime
As aching powers crave the root
They can never touch the absolute
For you it’s just a choice
For someone else it’s their life
You have pushed the button
Now it’s access denied
So how do I filter out
What I don’t want to hear
You have made your decision
Now the rest is clear
And no legislature
Can pull back the reins
On what’s relegated
To being in vain
And all my pent up wisdom
Seems to be at odds
With what’s common knowledge
On the old sod
And I don’t like the way
You have me employed
To do your work for you
Ignore what you avoid
And have me build castles
In your name
Sign the dotted line
So there’s someone to blame
And it’s not a matter of
A simple opt out
Cause wherever I walk
I see what you’ve allowed
And find my own chains
Bound in restrictions
But you value honesty
In your predilections
As a salve for your wounds
To silence my voice
But let me remind you
It’s not my flag you hoist
Don’t call me a crazy female just cause I sing the blues
I’m entitled to my feeling as you are to your truth
And all your words and actions just do not negate
The fact that I love you interspersed with the hate
And though I may be wild and inconvenient to host
You don’t have to treat me as if I am a ghost
As you look straight through as though you never saw me there
I know you have a heart so don’t pretend you do not care
And relegate my cause to the long lost ceaseless pile
Just cause I stood in your shoes but declined to walk a mile
I am not the stereotype of an ex who just won’t let go
That is a little sexist though I won’t claim to know
Why you always had a disdain for the other half
So you tried to make them smile, you tried to make them laugh
You tried to make them fall so they could not right themselves
And when you were done you left them on the shelf
To waste and wear away until they were nothing at all
Though I had to say I enjoyed my free fall
Down into the darkness, the emptiness of the void
I won’t pretend you’re the cause of what makes me annoyed
That you did not reach out when I was hanging on that cliff
And I just keep on going and back and saying what if
But all explainations fail and considerations die
When I look into the pupil in the centre of your eye
And find myself adrift like so many years ago
When you met me as a girl, the girl you say you do not know
And yes it hit the mark, did it hurt to deny
That we collided interscope, say the truth now, do not lie
That we once in a lifetimed upon the green grass
As you stood and stared at me and what I thought to ask
Such a preposterous question and so handsomely obvious
That you were the decider and where I placed my trust
But years have gone by and I have not seen your face
You never were the hero that rode out to lay waste
You just sat inside and cried about love long gone
You didn’t care about the someone that you kept on
You didn’t care about the promises you made to me that day
About how you looked me in the face and did not go away
And how I waited on your figure to statue all my dreams
But that was just the prelude to my long lasting private screams
That I howled in the night time on my bedroom floor
In a city far away behind a closed door
And I clutched at my insides cause I felt them coming out
And tried my best to keep silent cause I did not want to shout
About the enemies who had closed in on my life
And decided in that cage that I didn’t get another light
And subtle was the meaning and subtle was the voice
It was many years before I saw there was a choice
That there was another way, a way out of the pain
And just because you’re under clouds doesn’t mean you feel the rain
So here I stand before you and I repeat what’s ever true
That though my body will die I am not leaving you
And I will descend to the very depths
If that’s what it takes to pull you up those steps
To walk you to the door though you in the end refuse
And I’m left to perish slowly from the burning of a fuse
And there the gates of heaven lie meaningless without
Someone to hold my hand, the one it’s all about
So what do you expect, me to just go away
Again in all the cyanide where the demonds hold sway
But I stand here defiant and here I will roar
That I love you in the vacancy of a foreign shore
And I may never realise the place whereon I stand
But it was a miracle that I got to touch your hand
And hold you so close for a moment and for all
I think I was mistaken, there was never a wall
I just hit my own pride and held back what I knew
And now the time has come to pay you your due
In coins or in gold, I know you hold them in contempt
And I’ll always be the one that you resent
But here I pledge my life for yours and forever
I will seal it in blood to ensure my endeavour
And I will stand guard at the edges to soften the blow
Of the searing scars you don’t want to show
To hold and to comfort and to see you see your might
I knew that in that moment and I know now you’re alright
Whatever you say and the play you do cascade
I can see that you tremble, that you shake, that you’re afraid
And know I will not hurt you and my alliegence is true
All is nothing to me honey and there is only you
So to hell with all the anger and the sorcery
I am here to tell you now that it’s possible to be free
And just to breathe in air when you think that you are done
And when you’ve lost it all you see that you have won
And ever could forgive the place where you fell
It wasn’t only you, it was me aswell
I have a propensity to fall for dark eyed men
The kind you love then never see again
Don’t know what it is about their twisted souls
But there’s a depth I can’t plumb and I am sold
As you watch the light dawn in someone’s else’s eyes
Their sensitivity cracks and to your surprise
They break wide open into your hands
And look at you as though no one understands
As if you’ve been admitted to their confidence strange
But you’re at the mercy of what will change
As the sands shift the ground under your feet
It was only that one time that we got to meet
And though they throw reputations like yours to the dirt
They can’t make me regret the way that it hurt
The perfect pain to stand on your stage
Realising I’m a scene on the previous page
And I’m left in the wings just to look on
At what never was mine and now is long gone
To think I could hold your soul in my palm
The silence belying a deadly calm
Like standing in the eye of a hurricane
Two seconds later it’s ripped apart again
But though you protest to innocent degrees
About what you meant, I do not believe
Though you may try to conquer the sea
Doesn’t mean you can escape what you are to me
As oceans swell and fall back with the tide
I signed up for it all so I’m down for the ride
And if it may happen the moment perchance
I’ll just be the post script you tried to romance
And emotionally abuse what you have found
I have to admit I love when you’re around
Because for all the lies you conceal with a stare
You cannot hide what I know is there
And hidden beneath each surface I touch
Is someone within and I love you so much
Though they may call it codependency
They never saw horizons like you and me
And clipped are their wings as they settle for less
Than the subtle perfection in my distress
So don’t regret what you cannot achieve
I am forever bound to the darkness you weave
And what is real will stand monumental
You’re not a bad guy just cause you are gentle
And let your voice drop so soft and low
I only hate what I don’t want to go
Cause you can’t abstain from all you desire
I never want to be the one to put out your fire
Ephemerality and the lack of constraint
Are all a part of the picture you paint
And I guess I just wished I could be the one
To unlock the chains so you’d come undone
And relish the life that makes you what you are
But I am only light fusion bound within a star
An effortless firefly in the cosmos complete
I was born to be gracious in defeat
And find the source of the unquenchable longing
The home to fulfil my sense of belonging
The ache that never seems to go out
But you soothe it so easily with your mouth
And the words that spill from your lips
Dash on the rocks as my mask slips
Into trust and vulnerability
As you perceive strength in my fragility
And though there is substance in all you portray
They just write you off as consuming your prey
But I could never object to being such quarry
Or bend the knee to say that I am sorry
Though you steal from me all I ever had
The reality of you could never be bad
Never knew what it meant til I got you alone
You are the crack in my heart of stone
A weakness no one can repair
The mark you left will always be there
And they say don’t suffer just as evidence
But I’ve always lived this way because I can’t condense
My feelings into a digestible form
I may be an ice princess but my blood is warm
A reminder of what is eternally true
In the cynicism we’ve grown through
And that somewhere, somehow a celestial being
Once gave me the gift of what he was seeing
To be revolved in perceptual bliss
I only grieve the things that I miss
And even loss can be profound
When you listen to the open sound
And realise in space and time
You can’t always make matter of what is divine
And claimed by death must always be
The starcrossed lovers of destiny
Just cause you’re young doesn’t shield you from death
It’s just a horizon you have not seen yet
And all the green grass eventually fades
There’s no guarantee of what will come with age
As they write us off as superfluously small
I don’t think they realise at all
That you can’t capture in a frame the picture generation
And it’s just insurance against our disintegration
Trying to grasp what we cannot make stay
I only want a reminder of you this way
As you are caught in the perfect suspension
Between laughter and the unspoken tension
That rests behind when you look at me
Cause you can’t capture the mystery
That propels us both down different paths
But I’ve broken the glass and I can’t go back
And we can only touch hand to hand
Separated by what we cannot understand
Is love enough to quench the flame
That longs for what I cannot name
Arguing with you is like banging my head off a wall
Cause I don’t want to hurt you by revealing it all
And I know it’s frustrating to be at the other end of my brain
But I want to tell you what I cannot explain
I cannot delineate the light or the darkness in my head
Or the fear that strikes when I am dead
And you are so fine a note I am scared to tear
In my desperation I wonder if you care
Cause you are so whole and fundamentally complete
That I feel second rate every time we meet
As if there’s a ladder I just cannot climb
And I can’t brand you so that you are mine
Cause you are beyond definition
And you just laugh callously at my superstition
Cause your body is fading under the sun
So you cut the conversation short and say I have won
When all I really feel is defeat
That you would cut loose what you don’t want to meet
And you can give me reasons and they are aplenty
But they don’t stop this feeling so empty
When what you looked up to your whole life
Gets up wordlessly and walks out of your sight
It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore
I tried to find permanency in the things you approved of
Cause you always seemed like you were right
You walked with a kind of confidence
That had no doubt as to what you could fight
But I fell into the abyss
Waiting for you to care
And hopscotching myself along the lines
Of what I didn’t want to wear
And everwhere there seems to be
Instructions on how to live
But its like chasing down paper planes
Along rivers that don’t exist
And I seek one moment to turn forth
For the love I bear you in my chest
But each time I do I am crippled
Crossing lines that you destest
Whether I’m too near or too far
Its like a balancing act
And it doesn’t really serve a purpose
To swear by what you retract
And I could play these guessing games
For the milleniums before me
I know that it is selfishness
I just want you to adore me
And I’m not really seeing the practicalities
Of loving on request
I know I never measured up
When you put me to the test
So all that I can offer you
Is the silence that consumes
As I’m absorbed into the night
The darkness resumes
And you will always have the meaning
You inescapably are
But I am not just a sweeper
To kick when times get hard
And I know that there will be resolved
An answer to our souls
I just think I was mistaken
When I thought you made me whole
And our spirited undertones
Just patchworked the quilt
Something drove the blade in
And it broke off at the hilt
Now there is a forest wide
Of time and space and words
But every time I see your face
I forget what I have heard
And conjured up again
Is a memory infantile
When I looked for you to be just there
But you had run a mile
And the stabbing jealousy
Pierces deep into my side
As I look at the perfection
Of you without me in your life
As accolades and flowers
Flow freely into your hands
I wish that I could stop the wish
That you would understand
Me just as I am
And revel in my presence
But I stayed too long
Now the moon is just a crescent
Of the whole that it was
Signalling an eon of time
That moves the waves in rhythm
To the era you were mine
And these convoluted feelings
Are all about possession
I thought that I could do without
The wounds of my window dressing
As I come to the conclusion
That my heart is made of stone
And maybe I would be better off
If I just leave you alone
Like you’ve been begging me for centuries
Implicitly in your eyes
A monumental cacophony
The whole world denies
Though you always seem to find
Someone to match your heart
And I wonder why it was not I
Who could fulfil that part
So sadness will ensue
My subtle self exile
I guess that I will never be
The light behind your smile
The Poetry Book 