Tag: adversity

Akk & S

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I just wanna die with you
It would be perfect poetry
Romeo and Juliet and their symmetry
As forces try to pull us apart
But they can’t kill what is all heart
And tomorrow is a day no one can promise
But you looked in my eyes and you were honest
As you spilled truth like rain
And I just wanna stand in the waterfall again
As it brushes my skin
I was never at home til I met him
And suddenly the sky
Turns and I must watch my lover die 
On the battlefield 
But the victory goes to the one who yield
But for all the weight of my storm
I could only ever keep you warm 
For a certain length of time 
And now all I’ve left of you
Is something made of us two
Growing under my skin 
I could never replace him 
With someone new
I just wanted you 
To know the truth 
The prisoner and her youth

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The Birth Of Fear And Suspicion

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The darkness of the night is very near
And it was an education in fear
When they taught me about the man in black
And that I must be wary of an attack
I still remember the moment it made an impact
Cut to the future and I jacked
When I saw that same abyss again 
And instead of a god, it was men
And I ran and ran 
Because only the truth can
Catch up to me
And the scenery is no match for me
As I turn a blind eye
On what it is to die 
In the midnight of the day
And they tell me it’s okay
I ask the doctor if the devil is real
Because hell is sure what I feel 
When I’m looking in the mirror
And I barely hear her
When she say that she don’t know
She says she’ll help me though
And she’s from India so 
I trust in where this is gonna go 

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The Tendrils That Wrap

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I feel the burn of evisceration
So I change the tv station
And snap out of the trap
As if the reason could be found on a map
Why I am the way I am 
Nothing ever goes to plan
And that’s the way it’s meant to be
It took me thirty years to see
That my life is not a mistake 
That someone on the other side made shake 
With the power of an earthquake 
In ruins
I ask what I’m doing 
I’ve only broken words to say 
I am okay
And I was locked in a room 
And told to deal with the doom 
On my own
Self soothe while all alone 
But I open up and expand
And take every offered hand
That slips through my fingers like sand 
And the doctor has power to direct my fate
But I don’t give in to hate
Or bitterness, I just let go
And feel the snow
Upon my skin
When I’m talking to him 
Telling him I am okay
He looks at me like I fabricated the day
When my ego went away
And broke into sun
Is it wrong if I say I am One
With all that exists
And the mists 
Have cleared the windshield glass
I don’t need to make a thing last
I can just surrender
And remember
It’s not what you think you know
It’s what you live as you go

The Power Of This Moment

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***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***

There is power in this moment 
And I feel it when I own it
And let the pain go
Like the sky just lets the snow 
From its grasp 
Because no cloud can last 
In a frozen form
And when the days get warm 
All that ice will melt
So it goes with how I felt 
In the midst of the blackest night
But the dawn came and I was alright 
As I pondered suicide
And what it means to be alive
That may have been eons ago
But it leaves its mark on you, you know
And I just want to let anyone know who trudges
That there is a peace that never budges 
And it’s to be found right where you are
You don’t have to journey to a star 
To find your own burning strength 
I used to wonder where it went 
As I hid out between the lines
So that they couldn’t define
Me as mentally ill 
Or someone with a dysfunctional will 
I am forever free 
And just because the night visited me
Doesn’t mean I don’t know the sun
It all collapsed into one 
And I could see that duality
Is only there to bring out the best of me 
When I don’t know who I am 
I close my eyes and trust in God’s plan

The Misdemeanours

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I have this fear inside me, do I focus on it 
And does it just make me act like a twit
I find myself in St. Pat’s, ground floor
And everyone shines, my God, mo stór
As I’m lying in bed in Dean Swift at night 
And he’s illuminated by the bathroom light
He says it’s very bright
But I could look at him and sight
Is no burden 
But how would I word them 
This prose that sits inside
And I only ever hide
The best of me 
And the rest of me
Lies in wait
All the guys I’d love to date
But my heart won’t let me 
Soul won’t forget me 
And lead me down a merry path
One I might never find my way back 
From 
And it’s gone
That sudden sharp
Like Cleopatra playing the harp
It’s an illusion
And the confusion 
Was I trusted words
Instead of the flight path of birds
As they streak across the sky
And I am not afraid to die
But say that to a psy 
Chiatrist 
And you may get the gist
Of what I relay 
I eventually learned not to say
What was on my mind 
Because it leaves me behind 
Like an autumn tree 
And everything is fluttering from me 
As I’m out in the grass
With Mary Jean, I never had to ask 
Her to teach me how to knit
She wove the wool deftly as I sit 
And she came to my door
With something she’d baked on the first floor
And we ate it with my sister
God knows, I missed her
When I was locked away
And I don’t care what people say
Those places don’t help
They just teach you how to stand on a shelf
All pretty in pink 
And I used to think 
It was for a reason
Now I see it was just a season
I was passing through
Growing wings and flying too 
Beyond the veil 
And what’s not up for sale 
Will always be bought
By those who think they have caught
The value in it
And I didn’t win it
But let it go
There’s joy in defeat too, you know

The Weather Brushes Aside

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The weather brushes aside
And I am alive
Still, in spite of all the years
And the tears
Only served to make me stronger
But I don’t entertain them any longer
And I lost someone who means the most to me 
But I’ve been consoled he’s been set free
Unto the Great Expanse
Where all the spirits go to dance
When their day is done
In the realm beneath the sun
We call Earth
And the hurt 
Fails and falls apart
Under the power of the heart 
And he’s always throwing slurs 
Because he’s afraid of what we were 
In the old domain
And he’s had his share of pain 
And he takes it out on us
The female is no longer a plus
One
And undone
Is the male sovereignty 
That tries to lay claim to the best of me 
In the winter months 
And all of the stunts 
That they pull 
Can’t destroy the cotton wool 
Of being pure
It’s the one thing I know for sure

All The Doors I Close

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All the doors I close 
And the people I lose behind them, God knows 
And the first time I committed that crime
Was when a girl was way outta line
She stepped on my toes 
And got in my way, God knows
And the harder I fought my corner 
The more visceral the way she would forlorn ya
So I let the rope go slack
When she said “I don’t know want you back”
And instead of pleading my case
I set the dial to erase
And burned up the photo and memory
Of everything we used to be
All the laughter and the wit
For the sake of the pain and how she hit
It hard with sudden force 
And justifications and no remorse 
And I, so mild and meek
Would be the highlight of her week
Until I crossed her temper 
And the onslaught, I remember 
How she turned friends to foes
Whispers of things only she knows
Til that girl blanks me in the hall
And another puts up a wall
Where there used to be open hands 
And I’m a stranger in these lands
Because I’ve only ever known friends
But we will not make amends 
In this calamitous affair
You wonder do I care
And I do, more than you know
That’s why I’m letting you go
Because your pincers snap
And my map
Had not known this terrain
As I fight the worst of you in vain
And sometimes still
The picture of us never will
Live up to Reality
I’m better off without you and me

The Entrapment And The Cage

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There’s peer pressure so momentary
It makes me wanna fit in
There’s peer pressure to find
An adequate house to live in
And a man and a wife
Or a dog and two kids 
It says nothing
Of the love that’s His
And the forestry 
And open spaces
Oh, the wonder of the faces
Shown to me
Shines eternity
Into the emotion
And it’s a building site
With attenuated commotion
And I’m longing just to run
To the open sea
Find a place where no one can capture me
But revelate
Into the joy that had me 
In that state
Oh, humankind
What is it to believe the mind
And follow sources
Back the way the river courses
Do you breathe air
And know you’re really there
Or get lost in thoughts
In what you are’s or what you ought’s 
I’m finding that I
Am much more singular than I can deny
Or claim not to be
There’s an ocean and it’s moving me
To do the depth of works
To love until it hurts
And reveal
Something that time cannot steal
But go embracing 
Into a Universe that’s self effacing
And wander down routes
Finding love and just pursuits
Can you see
That everything is all you’ll be
And these extraneous commitments
Are mere diction
In a story that’s writing itself
Could you long for anything else
But you are and what you decide
Is gonna be the focus of your life

Compassion For The Chinese

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I read somewhere about the practice of compassion
That those in Tibet 
Have for those who inflict pain
And that even grass needs the rain
And I don’t mean to make comparison to a bullet
But it was as though you held the trigger and pull it
As it’s facing me
And I’m shot through but it sets me free
As I collapse on the green floor in the Convent Of Mercy
We can’t wait for things to get worse, we
Must take action now 
And cultivate the mindful way
That it’s not in what people say
It’s the silence behind the word
That the monumental is heard 
And I took tea with the Lord 
And He instructs 
I look at the world and it seems fucked 
But I rise every day to the light
And I’m willing to stand with my brother in the night 
Til the dawn breaks across the land
The earth may be turning to sand 
But the soul is beginning to wake
Out of the bodies that it take 
To experience the life of the dual
And I may be a fool
But I gotta get back up
Every time that cup
Is slapped out of my hand 
If you understand 
Follow the path
Coz the demon’s wrath
Is threatening it all
But we can be the architects of the downfall
Of the season of hate
The time is Now, don’t wait

The Battle Scars

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We were warriors 
We fought it out
You took the words 
Right out of my mouth
And we left it all on the pitch
Do you remember that man called me a bitch
But I didn’t care
Because Linda was there 
And she caught the ball
OCD was like a brick wall
But I fought through it like a solid defence 
Remember to put pain in the past tense 
And Natalie burns the turf with her feet
She’d score a goal in a heartbeat
It was the spirit of the day
When the minor semi final of ‘07 went our way
The underdog
We’re strong from footing turf on the bog
It’s an Irish summer 
Three good days and the rest are no wonder 
Do you think I’ve let it go
Just coz I’ve stopped playing, you know
I hold on
To the years that are gone 
When thirty seconds can feel so long
When there’s but a minute to go
It’s LGFA if you didn’t know

Forgiveness And Its Release

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Forgiveness opens the heart
When you agree to be a part
Of this grand swathe we call life 
Even when it isn’t nice
And the bitterness broke
Like a sea over me 
When someone I thought
Would adore me 
Forever, shattered the glass
Told me that it just wouldn’t last
And I let my hand fall 
Coz I knew a brick wall
Is not for the turning
And my indignancy’s burning 
As she calls me out 
As a princess in an ivory tower
I abdicate and she has all the power
Whispering to ears
That I caused her tears
And am malign
If she wants an ending
Well that’s fine
I let her go 
No more chasing what I don’t know 
Coz I feel for her 
But what we were 
Is toxic through and through
She poured little bullets into
My coffee when I was set on drinking
My friends say that I’m overthinking 
The matter, it’s just jealousy
But she has the will to turn all against me 
I pass Sinéad McCormack in the hall 
She averts her gaze and my heart fall
In her confidence 
I’m all marks and little dents 
From the pillars she pricked 
You wouldn’t have thought the memory sticked 
In my soul for so long
For though I did no wrong
In my own estimation
I flick to her station 
And public enemy number one 
Is me basking in the sun
Of the God of all light
Coz He chose me, alright
When the going was tough
And I had run dry of all my love
As death pierced my balloon 
The rumblings of threat 
And what’s always too soon 
But she didn’t see
What I left in the library
When I closed the door 
I won’t be back here anymore 
And it was soft
I didn’t let her know she inflicted a cost
Coz I wouldn’t please her 
As they say
But would you deceive her 
Come what may
Into thinking she meant the sky
One thing’s for certain
We all die 
And the even fate
Levels it’s gaze at me as I wait
For the gong
And the throng
That follows suit
Do you think I am a flute
To live with your bite
And apologise to you, alright 
For being what I am 
I’m sorry but that’s not my plan
In the effervescent 
Look for true care and you’ll find the essence 
Of what I sought to impart
I’m an Aries and my heart
Will rule the head 
And instead 
Of giving in
I walk out, and that’s my sin 
As she looks on
At what’s gone 
And wonders why
Friends don’t try to make you cry
So, I hope you’re well
But as for admittance 
You can go to hell

The Flame and the Letting Go

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Suffering means I love you more
And I’m always banging on your front door
To see will you let me in
And you just remind me of him
His casual ways, his beautiful dance
His chest, the rest and his hands
As they fold themselves into mine
It is the cessation of time
As in the moment held forever
Is the faith of a new endeavor 
As it opens out to sky
I love you and I don’t know why
Only the beauty to burst through
The diagrams I see in you
And in all that’s sad and lonely
I’m wondering why you don’t phone me
When we left it on so bad a note
And there are pages that I quote
Which makes up the dream of us
The magnitude, the waves, the trust
In all that we can’t imbue
I’m waiting for what you might do
With your love, the sea, the stars
The way you melt those prison bars
Down into metal ore
I know you better than I did before
But you are untouchable, unattainable 
The clouds are grey, the day raining and dull
And you’re just some other where 
I keep looking, you’re not there
And you may have another chick
And I the page that you flip
But anyway, bitterness won’t get me far
Not when you’re written on my heart
And I feel this seething for all we were
And the fact that I’m not her
And I know it’s selfish and self absorbed 
I should just take you at your word
When you say you’re happy there
That you’ve found love and true care
But I’m gnawing at the edges and all the seams
I still see you in my dreams
Sometimes you’re mine, more you’re not
I’d write them down but I forgot
Exactly what they had to say 
Some kind of I’m not going away
But everything does 
All that is is a remnant of what was
And I fight the tide
But the waves crash and abide
In the place they’ve always been
There is the dimension of the seen
Then other ones
Diagonals and come undones 
Would you marry me?
So that the bird could be set free
But I’m letting go
Of all I thought that I know
To find a new shore
Worship all I adore
As it comes in close
Would you haunt me like a Holy Ghost?

Magnificently Kissing On The Street

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Magnificently kissing on the street
It’s not the first time that we meet
As our stars cross paths
And we do nothing by half’s 
And I’m staring at the guy on the screen
He reminds me of a dream 
That I once had
And I don’t feel bad
Scamming on his beard
Is it a bit weird
I see you in him
And I cannot win
Coz you’re with another girl
The diamond in the rough, a pearl
In the oyster that you shell
And I’m not well
I commit myself to a cell
A hospital, a ne’er do well
And they put me on a pill
It takes all the strength of my will
Not to cave
Under the pressure it takes to save
Me from my own dear self
And they are no help 
Throwing eyes at me
I disguise what’s free
In me behind a locked door
And I don’t know who I am anymore
As Dennis howls into the wind
And an old lady tells me how they’ve sinned
Before they put a needle in her
I cry to think what we were
And everything is green outside
I don’t wanna have to hide
Who I am from them
But, God knows, I can’t do it again

Even If I Could

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There were days I wanted to
As I stumbled down the hall
Keep my head up
When I feel like I’m gonna fall
Or drown under it all
And they say the words and they echo 
But they can’t get me to let go
Of what keeps me straight
I tell the truth, they say to wait
And this secret eats me up
When I know it’s born of love
Brimming full of a Sunday sun
Like God is the only one
Who could ever know
What it is I can’t let show
Coz it’s dark and crazy and gets me locked up 
It’s as though I know I must drink from this cup
And we all die
And cry
Behind closed doors
Or not at all
I wonder which is worse in my own freefall 
And the darkness came one sudden night
Some kind of fire to ignite
In a vacuum empty
And it wasn’t until I was twenty
That I realized 
Beyond the clouds are blue skies 
And somewhere in the midst of all the hate
Is food on my dinner plate 
And a feast at the table
Lift your head if you’re able
Coz few are those who could do it for ya
So don’t rely on the dictum, do ya
Find that sweet source beneath the pain
There’s a place beyond the rain
And when you’re soaked through and through
You wake up to the reality, don’t you?

Death And The End Of Things

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Death and the end of things
Did it clip my broken wings
Coz I saw it in every facet
Of a diamond hue
And counted down the days
Until it would take you
And now I’m thirty three
One day it’ll take me 
Away from the world of form
The world into which 
I was born 
And it was midnight when I realised
That everything I loved died
On the street that day
And it’s not okay
To just say
That all things end
And love’s around the riverbend
Coz they never seem to care
About what isn’t there
Where it once was 
And I got angry just because
I couldn’t change it
Couldn’t change anything 
So I find the lungs to sing
The song you taught me all those years ago
And it doesn’t take snow
To preserve a body cold
What happens to us when we get old
Do we live in regret
Replacing what hasn’t happened yet 
Coz the time has piled
And all the miles 
We go from the place where we were
And nothing can replace her
Not as hard as it tried
The world is full of lies
But there is a truth that just fails
To catch the wind that set my sails
Upon a foreign sea
Are you still watching over me
Or is it just rueful fate
I love and It forgets the hate

The Power Of My Voice

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The power of my voice
I speak and it’s not by choice
It’s like God has hold of my tongue
And I surrendered to Him when I was young
Now he commands more than I can believe
I let Him move me and it relieve
The pressure that’s been building
Up in my soul
Does a wave know it’s water
When it starts to roll
Only to crash back into the sea
Never really leaving the vicinity 
Of ocean all the time
I thought I could call the people mine
But they turned on me and the desire
Burned in me like sulfurous fire
Always aching to reach out beyond
They lock me up and I abscond
Only to be returned to the same place again
The bathroom floor and me are great friends
And it is cool against my cheek
Do you remember that time I got weak
And collapsed in front of the class
I didn’t know the Revelation last
Now I’ve got vines pulling at my hands
I’ve got an hourglass and it’s slipping sand 
But does God just turn it when the time runs out
So He can achieve without any doubt
And is there a way I can transcend 
Something about the riverbend 
And being open to what you don’t know
I held on so tight, now I let go
And the winter can’t stop me loving the snow 
His hand connected with the wrong side of a blow
And I was felled just like a tree
Except it didn’t really happen to me
Just some grass in the forest
I don’t know what I’m doing, if I’m being honest
But the road is paved, the path is beaten
And I can’t avoid the moment I meet Him
There in the woods of ill repute 
You wear a dress, I’ll play the flute
And music will last for the whole night
I look up and grin because I am alright

The Clarion Call

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I’ll be the clarion call
To let the demons out
The things that people suffer under
The fear, my dear, self doubt
And they locked me up in ashes
But I still was free
Coz even though they do their best
They can’t get the best of me

And the clock ticked, did it go back
Am I getting enough of slumber
And but for the men I loved
I woulda been just a number
In that place where the halls have eyes
And everyone walks tiptoe
It’s eggshells we’re treading on
So that you might not know

And I had a bed and my own room
It was number sixteen
And I’ve been dealing with this kind of shit
Since I realized the dream
As I hop on a hopscotch 
Afraid to cross the line
Is there a difference between being here
And doing hard time

And I hid out in the activity room
Rifling through a storm
I hope they might not find me
That’s how I kept the candle warm
But they did and told me so
There was a place to greet
But I’m moving dough with my hands
Can’t make it move my feet

And the third time I was in there Barry called my name
He asked if he could speak to me, if it was all the same
But he was laughing sideways 
Out of the corner of his mouth
He thinks that he might have a clue
As to what I’m all about
And, God love him, he was precious
But he set the dial to spin
So I called the shots and called it off
Walked out of the room with him

And, the laughter, it was breaking like a wave upon the shore
I left the card on my desk so that it might love me more
And my sides they’d split with Aoibhínn coz she was such a hoot
She talked me out of dangerously quiet as I stood mute

And I drew an eye on the wall in the smoking room
It was a lot more like freedom than it was the bells of doom
And they only scrubbed it out a year later and I see
There was a part of them that loved a part of me
Or with a certain fondness I recall what they say
It’s not the present moment but you will be okay
So I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the bin
Conceded defeat coz you know I cannot win

And the monuments of time will fall beneath the sea
But there’s something eternal that beats the heart of me
And I can’t put my finger on it or tell you what it is
Only suffice to say that being born is not to live
Beyond the realms of death
In the halls that I vacate
I think they had me wrong
Coz I love the thing they hate

And summon up a showstorm 
In the dead of the night
The sun that is within me
Can’t help but be bright
As all I ever am
And all I’ll ever be
I can’t bring myself to regret
That I asked you to dance with me

Salvation In The Stars

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Looking for salvation in the stars
It’s like trying to round some prison bars
As they, adjacent, keep a defense
Til you’re hands and knees in the present tense
And do I confess
My wilderness and impress
Some secret subtlety afar
Oh, the world, how near you are
When you just take a glance
At the vulnerable in my stance
And I wish away
Tomorrow another yesterday
Don’t you see
That you were the ocean to me
And the sea at night
Oh, how it glitters in the moonlight
To reflect your face
Now forever is without a trace
Gone from these hands
I’m on the shore just pacing sand
As you glide effortlessly along another terrain
Have all my past lives been in vain
To bring me to this
A pair of lips that death might kiss
Someday or will
The power of life to kill
All that it breathes air into
And consciousness is quintessentially you
So you can’t lose it
But did I choose it
This marching band
There’s nothing I have really planned
Coz all falls away
And what you leave til another day
Gets left behind
They say I am out of my mind
But I think they’re wrong
I’m too deep in it and that’s my song
Can I hold the tune
I did when you walked in the room
And my heart hammered against my chest
The depth of wisdom that I invest
In you to be all you claim
Now it’s been years and you’re just a name
I click into
Tell me did I ever reach you
Or was it all just empty talk
The way you hold yourself when you walk
Like you’ve been punched
Something hits you and I can feel the crunch
As you double over side to side
But hell if I know you’re still alive
And kicking me somewhere under the seat
Why did heaven have us meet
If it was just to part
And you are the king of my heart

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One Moment For Granted

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We can’t take one moment for granted
Nothing’s guaranteed
Life ends in death
We rely on the blood we bleed
To keep the body going
I look out the window
And the sky is snowing
Everything lending itself to another
The rain is frozen
And I lost a brother
In the storm
The river flowed
I may have taken the less travelled road
But it wasn’t for the good of my health
And it sure as hell hasn’t given me wealth
Except an inner gratitude 
And a reliance on the dude
That runs the show
Is there something I should know
Or do I just apt predict
So worried that I make myself sick
And have to be revolved on medication
There’s no point lying about my tv station
And if I’m off them for long
I start to feel like I don’t belong
To even the human race at all
I drink it in at the waterfall
And run, simply run down the hall
Of the institution I became part of
Resident of guarded love
And I hate but I also care
Feel the torment start to tear
At the edifice I’ve built
I don’t know why but I wilt
Under the glare of a heavy sun
And I’m always looking for the one
Who might make my stars shine bright
But the blade became my kryptonite
As it etched in stone what my heart would write
Only to feel the pull of the tide
The breath that means I am alive
As I drag my body out of the morass
I waken up when I am in class
And revive to a certain degree
Ten years to know it’s not just me
Who feels this way
And there needs to be a conversation 
About what it means to stay
And guidance from the ground
About the people you always want around
Do you hear the triangle ping
I let go and give up everything

Lemonade

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They gave me some lemons
And they were sour
But I don’t need to wait
Until the eleventh hour
To make a change
All is mind and rearrange 
The terraces of fear into love
And it fits me like a glove
Though I’ve been in the ring with Cassius Clay
He taught me to get up after, okay
Like I’m some kind of Jedi knight 
Living for the light
As it breaks a new dawn
Over all I thought was gone
And they held me in a state
But I’m not gonna wait
To be all I am
Everything’s in the plan
Of God to be reborn
And even in the storm
I could find a man to say
Everything is okay
In eyes, on lock, in the bay
And I’m holding back the laughter
Because this is such a beautiful disaster
And for all intents and purposes I’m the chosen one
You don’t have to be a son
To be a holy child
Oh, the open air and running wild
Into fields that are free
There is so much more to me
Than any of them can see
And is St. Pat’s history
I left it with my dignity 
Somewhere among the stars
Why did I keep chasing cars
Around dean swift
Thinking the guys just want a shift
As Emmet holds my gaze
If he was a hero I bet he’d save
Me with his honest and true
For a moment I relied on you
Let my weight rest on your shoulder
No more Lara and her boulder
To run from
It’s like the fear is gone
When you set the scene
I’ll remember you when the dream
Comes true
A smile, and I wink at you

There’s Nothing Love Can’t Do

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There’s nothing love can’t do
It somehow brought me to you
And in our chasm call
Though we fight and the wall
Seems to rise between us
Baby, you couldn’t even dream up
This kind of love
And I’m five and the dove
Flies overhead
Warding off the resident dread
To come again another day
Do I just get in your way
Or are we okay
Because I fly
And I know you die
In a room alone
God damn, just look at your phone
And you will find me there
A digital realm of true care
To vanquish the pain
What was lost we can never gain
But an aside
I am alive
And so are you
So there’s really nothing stopping us two

The Sway And I

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He interjects and it’s circumspect 
Coz how could I attenuate
Any of this love with hate
And sure he’s a nice man
But he only listens when he thinks you can
Find a way to follow the line
He’s wasting my space like he’s wasting my time
And I’ve gotta grow up and be
The writer of a new destiny
Don’t have time for this pity lark
And as I’m walking through the park
I feel one with the grass
If this is psychosis I hope it last
Coz you’ve got a label
But you cannot see
Over the rim of your spectacle 
As you look at me
And maybe a kundalini and the crown
Might be the reason why I drown
In a sea of ocean vast
The emptiness and fullness pass
Til I’m all or nothing but down for this
And I’m in love with someone I only kiss
Through the bars of Orion
I don’t know, it just feels like flying 
Through somewhere where gravity
Obeys the rules of destiny
And let’s me lift off from where I am
I just walk without a plan
And It leads me where It’s going
I look outside and the Sun is snowing

My False

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We gotta draw the line
(I tell him I’m fine)
But he insists that I
Am too distressed not to die
And I try to fight
But he blows out the candlelight
So I’m just fumbling in the dark
For a torch in the park
And it’s no place to be in times like these
And St. Pat’s brought me to my knees
And I want to fly in the face
Of what they swear is my disgrace
And I disagree
But his degree
Is not in conflict resolution 
And he seeks the dissolution
Of this state of mind
But look at what I’d leave behind
If I just left you there
With no one watching and no one to care 
As I muck it out in the trenches
They call my name when I’m sitting on benches
My place to make a scene
And this vision is a dream
But I will make it real
I pay back what I steal
I a hundred pound notes
I’m Gandhi or at least one of his quotes

Epicology

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Photo by Stephan Seeber on Pexels.com
I write my own version of epicology
It's a word I made up to describe mythology 
Of the personal self so cool
Oh, the awesome that I was in school
As I danced on a cloud nine
The minute He pierced through what was mine
To reveal the ever present source
And I'm filled with remorse
That I never seem to live up to 
The identical that I saw in You
As we spend our time just having a laugh
As we melt like a wall that's not gonna last
And I can't contain you in a rhyme
Except that you were outside of time
A moment, free and then to bind 
We lost love to the mind
As the shackles came back to say
We don't let people go that way
But I look up and the light
Is still shining on us, alright
And I don't need to let go
Of what is inherent to me, you know
And I don't know how to unfurl 
The heart that creates the girl 
As a modicum to understand
You were the truth I hadn't planned
Thought I could be the solitary queen
Til the sword lanced the dream 
And birthed me into real life
I like you, is that alright?

The Spools Of Infinitesimal Thread

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I knock but there’s no answer
And I’ve done my time being a dancer
Spinning the spools of infinitesimal thread
Into a daydream in my head
And I may be deluded, I may be wrong
But this love thing is so damn strong
As I feel it pulse in my chest
Weighing up who I love the best
But it flits around to varying beings
Changes with the landscape I’m seeing
An intimacy I cannot describe
I just thank God I’m alive
To experience all of this
It was Truth like a first kiss
As I wake up to what I am
And all that moves without a plan

Fighting My Femininity

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I fight with my femininity
It evokes love
But I can’t tie myself
To any of the above
Only open my heart
For peace to be shared
Open my notebook
To say that I cared
And that I’m not
In this quiet, tight space
But dreaming of days 
When I touch your face
Telling you all 
You mean to me
Not closing the door
So you can be free
And I know that I have put out
More than I take back
And I have been hobbling 
Over what I lack
But the sight of you
Is like a comet true
And I’m shaking just thinking
Of what I would do
If you were mine
To have and to keep
To wake up beside
A good nights sleep
And you’re kind and you’re awesome
I’ve been keeping you away
I look down at my feet
Coz I don’t know what to say
And you tell me I’m lovely
And beautiful
He left me empty
Now I am full
Of a joy that’s brimming
Full of trust
Can I come in, baby
It’s a must
And you look at me
As if I defy
The life I’m leading
As some kind of lie
But I just wanna be
Myself again
A woman in
A world full of men
Telling me how 
I should contain
This heart of mine
That’s broken with pain
But shining with gold
As I repair
The parts of myself
That knows you are there
That knows there is kindness
And there is truth
More than monuments 
I’ve built to our youth
And nobody knows
Or can describe
The feeling of loving
Breath when you’re alive
And I’m haunted by loss
And the threat of death
Keep living days 
Full of regret 
Coz I can’t control
The passing of seasons
Or people with pride
And a bowl full of reasons
And is it insincere 
To proclaim my devotion
To the silence
In all the commotion
As I feel the movement
Of a pin drop
Signaling winter
Or the moment to stop
And take in an aside
Of all we’re meant to be
I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m letting you see

The Liberation

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Hiding part of myself
Had me holding onto mental health
As the only way to steady the ground
As it shakes to the sound
Of white noise and light
I’m one of the boys and I’m alright
As I take a sip of a drink 
Then throw the rest of it down the sink
Coz I want to keep my nerves
As something that serves
Me instead of fighting a war
Coz both sides lose what the winnings for 
As the turmoil draws you in
Ducks in a row like lines of sin
And the winter seems to last forever
But you haven’t seen the last of this endeavour 
As I grapple with the ghost that throws me down
I’m in the ring and out of town
As they all call my name 
I say goodbye to the chains of shame

The Future In The Night

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Depression cannot stifle this 
Pain won’t call it quits
It stands and it walks
It lays down or sits
But this moving beast
I call my own
Is a kaleidoscope 
Of light that’s thrown
Brash across the windowpane
And all the suffering is in vain
Because it cannot put out the light
Not even in the darkest night
Not even in the furthest blue
I still see colour in you
And you may note the degree
But it wasn’t earned by me
It fell like papers from my hand
An ocean in a grain of sand
That is roaring with the sea
You look up and it’s just me
But more and further do I be
Let’s rewrite future history

As You Are

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The burning furore that sits in my chest
The need to always be the best
And speak out what no one’s talking to
Is it wrong to put the spotlight on you
To shine away what’s been kept hidden
It’s beautiful, it is unbidden
And it’s longing just to find a home
You’re beautiful as you are, alone

Intensity

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I’m burning up like the flow of the river 
As all of life calls me to forgive her
Coz I can’t split in two just to spite my face
Or deny the regard of constant disgrace
And I was only a teen
But I saw through the cracks in the dream
Untoward a vast expanse
Where music makes the people dance
And I feel as though I’m on fire
Like I’ve been lit by something higher
But it always seems to come back to ground
Like I’m rooted in the sound
Of you saying goodbye
Then realizing what it means to die
As I sweated it out in the class
Then fell victim to what could not last
And I stirred on the floor as I heard her call
It was like I’d lost the wall
Separating me from creation
A moment stunned and then elation
You can call it enlightenment or waking up
Or just realizing all is love
Then I see you with your eyes downcast
And I try to forget the past
But the memory of the crush is ever fresh
And I’m still not there yet
At the part they say release
But I may just be at peace

The Thaw

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They’re selling an American Dream
But I’m walking on a moonbeam
As it guides my way home
And tells me I’m not alone
As I open out into the vast expanse
Perceive the space as the molecules dance
To make up the shape of me
The frame of what is memory
Held together by a subtle flaw
I wonder is ice real as it starts to thaw

Fighting With The Wind

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So mad I’m taking all these pills
As I fight the doctor in a display of wills
But he always seems to win the day
And make the point I’m not okay
And sometimes I agree
As I picture a man down on one knee
That might pick me up
But I’m heavier than the weight of love
Can carry when it all boils down
I spilt the beans, you went to town
Aghast at all the mess is made
You’re throwing the game, I’m throwing shade
And we’re just resting in the silence deep
I don’t want to be less than the promise you keep
As the wings of love glide
I’m coming out of where I hide
To know the sunshine as my true nature
And where you landed left a crater
In the ground of me
Mother Earth or destiny
Shaken to my core
I try not to love you anymore
But it just pulls me back
Don’t see me as just a hack
That has to get her stories down
I hum as I drive out of town
Past a scene I know so well
If I shared a secret would you never tell?

Ending My Enmity

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I’m ending the fight I have with the stars
Running through fields like I’m chasing cars 
And the sound of you is on the breeze
Like a younger me the tree frees
As I’m walking through the columns and rows
Letting go of the loss of anything goes
And finding my steadfast in the sight
Of everything in the firelight

Arrowheads

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Things are changing rapidly
But they’re also staying the same 
Love seems to be
The name of the game
As we grow and garden plants
But from the sky we look like ants
And do you think that such a view
Can contain the heights of you
Or the depth of your soul
You don’t have to pay the toll
Of living in a body human 
The cars pass by zooming
And I wonder if I could catch a glance 
Would it move me like another chance
As we all spend the scene
Then call change a certain dream
Because we are meant to grow
Not torture each other, you know
And the weight of troubled times
Live with us like the crimes
We secretly commit 
Or who we’re talking with
On the down low
I let it go, or don’t you know
.Reading time less than 1 minute.
The full force of the machine hit me across the skull
And I’ve skin as thin as cotton wool
As I try to find the deep reverb
To silence noise with a word

Haphazard Daydreams

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I write poems about you 
About love and hate and in between 
As you criticize the dream
For being too bold
Too brash and vibrant to hold
But it’s all me
Sailing on the empty sea
Of my own dread
Is it wrong that you’re in my head
Incessantly
What does it take to be free
Of your grasp
You said we’d ever last
But fine
As you give up the thousandth time
On what we were
And I amn’t her
But am I just making drama 
Not seeing things like a panorama 
Gaslighting myself 
Then saying it’s better for my mental health 
To hold it all in
But maybe the sin
Is not giving myself leave to feel
And it’s all real
So I heal
Slowly at first 
You don’t have to rehearse 
I paint it in verse
And a sideways glance
Is nothing but a second chance 
Gone to waste
So make haste
And dive in
It’s only five minutes til we begin
To see the storm another dial
And it’s like we’re on trial
For a crime we didn’t commit
But it’s still you I’m walking with

Gentle True

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Stephen’s words are gentle true
And I want to make the stars with you
As you gaze out from a constellation 
And I have to say my medication
Hasn’t prepared me for a moment like this
One where opposites kiss
Across a table
And you aren’t able 
To hold back the smile 
I catch you all the while
Laughing with your face lit up
And I guess you could call this love
Except for the fact
You don’t want me back
In that place again
The only good thing was the men
Who used to be good to me
In days I lost my liberty
To a staunch defender
It was enough to render
The articulation in my image
The town was talking, the whole village
Was effervescent with the notion
That I was caught in my emotion
And a subtle drawl 
Draped over me like a shawl
In winter time
Are you sublime 
Or just ocean, seas
You could call it a modern disease
To be brought low
Places where I dare not go
Or with a shudder
There with any other
And to be soothe with my music
It’s the path I walked but I didn’t choose it

Steady Easy

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Life doesn't go steady easy
It plots and twists and turns 
The fire is really nothing 
Until there's something that it burns

Rising Water

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The water rises
The fish it swims
And it seems like the sky’s 
Getting closer to him
As he follows in circles
Patterns on the lake
There’s no talk of forgiveness 
For the one he forsake
And there’s no talk of trouble
For idle thoughts
Does the fisherman tangle 
With tackle he’s bought
And the shoes we’re all wearing
Do they know where they’re going
Coz the train of time
Doesn’t look like it’s slowing 
And we’re all on this ride
Just in different seats
Do you fold your arms
Or uncross your feet
And do the sages speak truth
To the ears that you hear
Is nirvana further away
Or closer with fear
Coz we all resist
Our own enlightenment 
It’s kind of like you’re a ghost
And you’ve frightened it
So now it won’t 
Come out from where it hid
So you make some noise 
Til it flips the lid
On the place it had found
To cover itself
But are you abandoning
All of your wealth
As you leave the world 
Of thought that bind
Are you nostalgic for all
You’ve left behind
Or do you open your arms
To a new dawn
And realise that nothing
Is ever gone 
That can’t be brought back
In another form
Is the sun hot?
Well, how are you warm?
And do you second guess
The wrath of the storm
One minute there’s pain
Then a baby born
Amid all the fray
And the stuff you see
If you blink your eyes
Is the darkness free
Or just momentary 
To eclipse 
Your names like a prayer
That sits on my lips
And if only I
Could communicate
It’s likely I’d pull
Both of us out of that state
Into the river 
Where we’re rushing and free
You didn’t make a mistake
When you chose me


Photo by Silas Biasch on Unsplash.com

The Calm Amid The Storm

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There’s a blizzard brewing
There’s a storm atremble 
And things are beyond
What they used to resemble
As the new earth is birthed 
Into consciousness 
Don’t go saying
It doesn’t exist
Just close your eyes
And feel the breeze
Forgiving you
Get up off your knees
And stand firm
Stand strong, stand true
As the winds are howling
All around you
Make your stance
On a solid foundation
It’s a peaceful sort of
Education
As you trust the silence
To ever be
Whispering words 
Of eternity
In the midnight, in the dawn
At the close of day
I just have this feeling
That it’s all okay
That we’re being taken care of
No matter what it seems
Don’t trust in the
Thin fabric of dreams
But on the rock
Where you plant your foot
Let the rain wash away
What you’re afraid of

The Generalised Anxiety

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Something must be wrong
Because people are being nice
And things are going my way
And everything’s alright
And I’ve got this dread 
That just sits in my gut
It’s like running thread
Where you place your foot
As you foretell the future
With a negative slant
They say anxiety
Is born from what you can’t 
Bear to consider
As time is passing by
I try to catch the air
But it just seems to fly
Out from my fingers
Away from my grasp
Is there anything on earth
That was built to last
Coz everywhere I look
Somethings fading away
Even the sun
Has only billions of years to stay
And everything on earth
Though it grows and it’s green
Will one day disappear
Out of the realm of the seen
So I’m shaking as I’m taking
Each breath that I unknot
They say I’m seeing sideways
But I think that they forgot
That everything’s an ocean
When you feel you’ve got to swim
And if there is no storm
Then where do I begin
To tell the story of the tide
As it moves to the beat
I think I’m finding ground
Where I can stand my feet
And it’s making me nervous
To feel so damn good
I’m so used to being nervous
And lost in the wood
And if there’s any shelter
That I find inside
I’ll let you know the meaning
Of the daydream that I hide
I’ll let you know the shortcut
Back to where there’s peace
Where the winds have quieted down
To my own relief

The Thunder and the Silence

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The thunder rolls and the ground trembles
It’s all of me that it disassembles 
As I’m unmade a storm
And the heat of your beat keeps my heart warm
And the stars come out to light your night
I wipe my tears coz I’m alright
But I’m missing you now days are long
And I cry but I’m still strong
Coz I don’t show how I let it hit
I keep it in coz I’m good at it
And it’s only in my room that I break down
Let it out and go to town
And there’s an ocean all around
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound
Of the tide against the rocks
I wake up and it stops
And suddenly in a moment I’m free
And there seems to be some kind of light shining from me
As vibrantly I intone
Whether with someone or all alone
So I praise my Saviour
You know you were the one who raised her
Up from the mess she lay
You show me love and I’m okay
And it’s all I can do not to shout your name
Now that I know you it’s not the same
And I just radiate the glow
That you gave to me, you know
And it’s as true as the Sun
As bright as you are the One
And I kneel coz I’m young
And the down days are done
In one fell swoop you reside
I’m coming out of the darkness in which I hide
And let the light permeate
If it’s the Now, why wait? 



Photo by Matti Johnson on Unsplash.com

The Rain and the Sky

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Max on Unsplash.com
Fighting with the wilderness 
Fighting with the rain
I can feel the pain
Come at me again
And it’s wearing down the structures
Of the egoic mind
Until no one 
Is left behind
And I clamber over bricks
I clamber over walls
I get lost in love
And free for all’s
Till it finally comes back
To where it started
The moment Truth
Was imparted
The moment it shone
From the sky
And I realized
I never die
Only transform
From one state to another 
Or beyond them both
The witness is lover
To all that unfolds
Gently, unique 
There’s a power there
I could never speak
Only pay tribute
And testament to
It resides in the heart
Of both me and you

Love

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I love so much
I feel I will burst
This feeling courses
Through the very worst

Through all of the liking
And ticking the box
I find I am open
Without any locks

And it just moves its own way
In a flow, in a beat
And I find I am standing 
On my own two feet

As I build on foundations
Solid as a rock
Am I okay? 
Well, is the sun hot

Just like my heart
In rhythms it's own 
I may not be adult
But I am grown

Wings

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I believe in the sky
To conquer the weather
And there are ways
To see through forever
To make it one
Under the rain
Say you'll never go back
To that place again
But you find the door
Ready to be knocked
You don't try the handle
Coz you know it is locked
But you hope and have faith
Trust and believe
In the strength you
Have always found underneath
To sail your ship
Once more through the storm
You can't see the sun
But still it is warm 
And you know and you'll be
You'll love and create
Til you open your eyes
And walk out of that state
And find the dawn
That follows dusk
It doesn't take much
Just a little trust 
As you resolve and know
Revolve and be 
In all of this
Your wings are free

My Share of the Deal

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Am I misunderstood
There was a time
They all thought I was good
And had trophies lined up
For me to wear
I stand up 
And the fabric tear
Til I'm reeling in dreams
Colossal and huge
It's like I asked for rain
And there came a deluge
To bucket down
On top of me
But fuck it, it's 
All I got to be
And there's no point complaining
About my share of the deal 
Oceans are weather
And it's the way that I feel 
To finally come home
To who I am 
I move in life
Without a plan

Mercy

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

When you get knocked down do you ever consider staying on the floor
Let everyone else continue their war
While you use eyes to stare at stars
You can only see because you’re in the dark
And give yourself time to contemplate
Why you always return to this repetitious state
And if it says something about who you should be
That you’ve only been escaping from dignity
In silent stillness on the ground
You find the peace that’s all around