I get mad and I tell him to eff off
Coz you gotta know when enough is enough
Then I see his eyes spill tears
And I realise he’s been crying for years and years
Just trying to get to me
So he’s says he forgets me
Just to hear me squirm
When will I ever learn
That the male gender is not what we’ve been told
Maybe not just a safe haven in the growing old
But some kind of precious we don’t get to touch
Should I tell him again how I love him so much
Image Credit: https://pin.it/2Hh4s6k0v
The beautiful pain is gone
I still remember the stain that lasted for so long
And it was the colour of seventeen
Breaking into the reverie of my dream
And I bumped into David
But I think I saved it
For later for too long
And how every song
He would ever post
Had me singing along like Ghost
But then I spilt the beans
And he smashed the cacophony of streams
Into a thousand strands of hair
And now I live like I’m not there
And he has a woman to keep him warm
Maybe marriage and a first born
I don’t know coz I let it go
When she said it’s immoral so
I’d be a homewrecker if I stayed
And I could swear the female in me bayed
Like a wolf at the moon
And the bells of doom
Evaporate
Oh, all the things I didn’t state
When I had the chance
I wish he would’ve asked me to dance
At battle of the bands
But, anyway, it’s slipping sands
In the hourglass of my life
And somebody else’s wife
Is something I’ll never be
But it’s a moment and I’m all at sea
Image Credit: https://pin.it/1jSAZcRGk
The riverbeds flow with the water of us
And the plain is flooded with broken trust
And you’re such a big man, you can tell me to fuck off
Is it only I who know how much it cost
You to say those words
Now I’m Nelly Furtado and those birds
Are looking like something I need to be
And you try to embarrass me
Into defeat
Did you think I was falling at your feet
I was only giving you a way
To express what you never say
By taking the lower position
Then you use it as ammunition
To fire at me
How ‘bout I just set you free
And you can go mess up someone else’s life
Word on the grapevine is that he’s got a wife
And I wonder if she’s the fire that burns everything
And if that’s why you gave her a ring
Instead of me
The day calling me back was free
But it’s pricey now
And I don’t think you can afford it somehow
Image Credit:https://pin.it/7EaYZ5UUo
I said I love you and I swear I still do
and it’s not just coz of the broken parts of you
that would drive you to the ridge
I thought of you on the Brooklyn bridge
as the ships passed in the night
and I took in every diamond light
of the city spread before me
I always thought you would adore me
in the autumn of our days
but it’s like we’ve parted ways
and it was not amicably
you took the best of me
with you when you go
now I’m listening to punk rock on my own so
I can say you’re not really gone
but it’s been so long
since I felt connected
to the tent you erected
in the middle of a field
when the breeze blows through and you yield
to all I might contain
I came down on you like a shower of rain
in the aftermath
now I just think of you when I take a bath
in the safety of alone
electronically away from my phone
but you never fail to push through
the needle I’ve sown into the memory of you
Image Credit: https://pin.it/7nh2DI5zc
The great open awareness calls to me
Should I let it set me free
And am I beacon for the age
Do you hear it when you read it on a page
Coz I’ve always seen myself as a Nobel prize winner
But also as some kind of sinner
But I am shedding skin
So I turn round and look at him
And he’s just watering his plants
While I chop pomegranates and eat ants
And listen to Hozier through my earphones
If it was the first time he didn’t feel alone
Would he have a space for me
If I get famous and show him infinity
And we’d kiss as the ash would burn
Like a Wednesday that could never learn
How to do exactly what it’s told
I’d look into his eyes and my cards would fold
Like that couple in the painted veil
Why does my courage always fail
When the winter pulls in the gate
And if I’m always late
Why am I so obsessed with time
Something that could never be mine
As it pours out the window
It eats everything but awareness eats him though
Like death at the door
When it comes to take someone you love more
Than life itself
And mental health
Is just an excuse so I don’t have to face
The lack of her in her face
When her spirit has passsed
Soared above all that had kept her fast
Tied to a body in form
And though it may not be warm
He soul is cracking embers
I don’t know what it is that remembers
When the mind forgets
It’s in the ocean and the sea begets
All that reigns supreme
Don’t tell a grieving person it’s just a dream
The shattering happened without me knowing
And I was only growing
When she put the frightened on me
So Jesus turned the brightness on me
As I sat in class, sweating bullets
There was a dream and something pull it
Down from where it lay like a veil over my eyes
And suddenly the disguise
Had been rendered untrue
And I could see myself as you
And do I forgive that “fucking bitch”
Who set the dogs on me like I was a witch
It was as though the demons caught flight
And I was set alight
In front of a room of peers
And the end nears
I can feel it like death on my coat
Has she come to gloat
Now that I am old and brought low
Why does the fear of her never go
Like she had bought a piece of my soul
And without it I can never be whole
Now in the late summer of my life
I refuse to be someone’s wife
And have their child
Because something wild
Screams at me to run
Everytime someone
Gets anywhere near close
But somehow the ghost
Of he just follows me like shadow
And I see us in the meadow
Are we twin flames
Or just two never known names
That spiral into their own crescendo
And his innuendo
Use to set my heart a-flutter
When he’d talk about how he’d melt like butter
On a summer’s day
But it wasn’t that way
He just gave up what we were
Then blamed me for the war
That ensued
Are you just a cool dude
That can never be touched
If you are, this thing is fucked
The love that poisons me
Is also the one that sets me free
And I can never be the equation
That you are so highly rating
When you left me to the abyss
And the boy I’d love to kiss
Is somewhere far away
And that day
Is a picture in time
And the reason and rhyme
Of another force
Is just an amplitude for divorce
And they snapped the chains on me
Handcuffs they said I’d be
Grateful for in the future
But the suture
Just burns in the place they cut
And he said I was in a rut
When I’d left what had held me down
And no longer craved the white gown
And the walk down the aisle
It looked more like the green mile
That some criminal would do
In fear of what I’d lose in you
So I just breathe
And accept that I need
Something I can never have
And the feeling bad
Is just the price I pay
For loving an ancestor of Christ that way
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4CyoOTxCW
The doors opened and the light walked in
And it was everything I ever thought of Him
Though the dragons seemed to know where I flew
So they torched the home I thought I knew
But then I found you
And everything cascaded into a perfect heartfelt sigh
And there is no goodbye
In our arching back and wonderwild
I look into your eyes and the case is filed
Away for later
I know you date her
But I forgive the storm
Though I know she keeps you warm
And I wish her well
Though the pair of you put me through hell
When you would defy
The part of me that would not die
In the vacuous of a desert storm
If it’s the heat that keeps you warm
Then why does it also burn my skin
Just thinking of her with him
Makes my mind go mad
And he just thinks I am sad
And lost in my own abyss
But then I see them kiss
From a fragment frozen in time
That I came across down the line
And like Juliet
It was too early seen unknown and known too late
And was it only because he was unavailable or barely so
That I let the might in me go
And allowed myself to creep on his terrain
Now it’s all rain
And I’ve exiled myself from that town
Because all I see is a white gown
On her, on me
On repeat infinitely
And I wonder do you have a child by now
And if that means something somehow
That we will never get to be
She’s the world and I’m just me
Image Credit: https://pin.it/6Pi3YLVJV
I found all of nature's wildest reserves
Inside the self that simply observes
And it's not a mute kind of understanding
Or a play of will to be ever demanding
It is a giving way
To what is the order of the day
And I write these words
And they are heard
In the grand abyss
Who thought forever could begin with a kiss
Coz I always had my faith in Jesus, my staunchest ally
Next thing you know I'm in the valley
Screaming out; why is there death
Why is every face something we must forget
When the blinding light struck me from on high
And I realised that to die
Is not what I'd been thinking it was
And that no life is stuck on pause
Forever, there comes a time when the tape winds out
In the mists of love pressed to my mouth
Like some forgiven scourge
Suddenly heard the birds
For the first time
Now he makes me rhyme
With his soul
That pours into mine as the waves roll
I don’t spill my secrets to strangers at the bar
I just drive in my car
Waving to people that I might know
But I don’t know how to let you go
So I furrow away parts of myself
Then leave them on the shelf
For someone to see
It’s drinking whiskey internetly
As I slur my speech in the poem
And talk about how you roam
Fields afar
And that star
Looks just like you
What a night too
They’re all out twinkling light
And anyway I’m not alright
As they have to help me from my chair
As I reach back for what was there
An eon ago
I walk away from this slow
I saw her from a distance
She cut a familiar shape
And I know she just wants to escape
But the prison is more than these four walls
And the laughter is caged in the halls
And I wish I could talk to Stephen again
He really was the best of men
And there was something he said that rings true
That there are some people who die even if you
Really want to help
It’s like when you hear the dog let out a yelp
When it’s been kicked
Then you hear someone call her a bitch
And it just reminds me of your name
And how people say; “it’s such a shame”
And how they didn’t when she was alive
They just said “she’s troubled” and the subside
Caught her on the wrong side of the shore
But I throw her an oar
From over here
And though she may be gone, my dear
She is also still in the same place
I just remember the beauty of her face
And the staunch of her soul
Even the greatest waves must roll
And know you’re not alone
Nor are you far from home
When you are in your own heart
There’s something the demons can’t tear apart
The winter is falling and flying
People in love and people dying
And they try to tear him away
But they don’t know that he stay
In a place they cannot reach
And what we share is not something you can teach
And he may have a woman and that’s fine
But there’s a part of him that will always be mine
And it’s not just about the rolling trenches
Or the years sitting on benches
Or when my time came
And the whole parish knows my name
But I left it in the dust
Because there’s something that I trust
To rise me up from the ground
And when you hear the sound
You’ll know that I am here
And what it is that I hold dear
And they were golden years
With Smirnoff Ice and some beers
With the girls
But there’s something about the world
When it rotates
And puts you in your place
And I was there in the town
One minute and I start to drown
And I felt it flare her pain
So I decided to come down as rain
And up sticks and move to New York
But that particular fork
In the road
Only slowed
Down my progress to the sky
And I still say hi
When I meet them in the shop
Coz there is no bad cop
But there was a cinch I couldn’t bear
And so the reality tear
And yet it is so beautiful in Spanish
I know we can be a bit clannish
But there are diamonds on the pitch
And its a place you can relish being called a bitch
Because you know you are doing something right
There was frost frozen on the grass that night
As we did a stretch
Til we’re all done and there’s nothing left
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4MaT7C6yb
They think that you’re just some face I used to know
But that’s not how we go
In our immortal bond
And her and I abscond
Into an infinity
As we put it on hold infinitely
And he meets me at the gate
He didn’t make me wait
But he pulled out like the sea
Til we’re far away from eternity
But how does consciousness know
It cannot let go
Until it tries
And no one really dies
They just change into a different form
When the body is no longer warm
There is a heat of a different sky
A furnace that burns away the lie
And they talk about heaven and hell
But the difference between them is someone who wishes you well
When you try to escape
I got superman’s cape
And pretended I could fly
But we all know the reason why
And ashes fall from the fire
As the people tire
Of my kind of shit
But I think it’s just that they don’t understand it
And I try to explain
It just makes it rain
On the fields so green
Are we all that has ever been
And they try to change the constitution
For a reason that does not hold the solution
And I’ve lost faith in halls of power
As the axis tower
Over all it reigns
And the blood stains
Are on all of our hands
And fuck it, the boy likes heavy metal bands
So let him just be as he is
But I wish I could seal it with a kiss
Image Credit: https://pin.it/1lRRdfL7F
Being broken by her
It’s the story of what we were
Til I realised that I had to get up off my knees
And be the cure to my own disease
And it was distasteful and it was crude
And there are parts where they call me rude
When I try to express how I feel
And all this “psychosis” is real
I just pretend it’s not
When the seat gets hot
And I’m sitting in a beanbag in Dean Swift
And even those days were a gift
As I listened to Marina and the Diamonds
On a CD player in the meditation room
And the bells of doom
Only reach me half of the time
The rest of it I’m sucking a lime
And crumpling up my face
Like all the Barry that went to waste
When he tried to lead me down the garden path
Like he knows nothing of the god of wrath
And it’s doubtful if I will ever see him again
And he would not be my first choice in men
As he speaks a double innuendo
And I wonder what he defend though
When he grins and snickers
I blink and the candlelight flickers
And it wrong if I think St. Pat’s can be fun
When everyone’s treating me like I am the one
It all circles round
And every sound
Echoes cymbals
And the vandals
Can’t tear down my peace of mind
It happens when I succumb to the grind
And allow them to medicate
Me like I’m a girl on a blind date
As though there is no telling what these pills will do
They assure me; they will help you
But I’m already epic, do you want me less so
I dunno
I know they think I’m crazy, sorry, “unwell”
I have half a mind to tell them all to go to hell
With their what have you’s and plurality
Do they even know what walks the skin of me
I don’t think so though maybe some suspect
I can tell when the veil is wrecked
And someone just reaches through
To hold my hand and say “I love you”
Or just trip into my chair
Hey Emmett, I’m glad you were there
Image Credit: https://pin.it/2GBbyXcnz
The ripples of the Balrog comes up to catch me
It was as though God did unlatch me
From the dream
But then the queen
Decided she wouldn’t tolerate
My insurrection to equate
Myself with being free
Free from the power she had over me
So I rebel, rebel
And it’s hell, hell
Because the tendrils curl around my limbs
And I reach out for him
He tells me I’m crazy
And though his words don’t faze me
I can’t deny they have weight
And serve to explain the hate
I seem to be lying under
Her thunder
Was the rumbling of my years
And her tears
Were a flow I could not stem
I think it’s over but it floods again
And I’m there with my boat and bucket
Saying what the fuck, it
Just will not do
To try and follow the path of you
When my own feet have always felt so much more like home
And it was only together that we roam
Not towing the line
And saying I’m fine
With a smile
Because I haven’t been for a while
Not since she departed this earth
I can’t explain the way it hurt
When I watched her body lie
On the bed about to die
And I know she’s not there
She’s floating somewhere in the air
Above me
And I know she loves me
Still
Because death cannot kill
The eternal
I break then write about it in my journal
And it was my salvation
Not my looks, not my education
Not the pews
Coz the bad news
Always filters through
Even when you’ve prayed your little heart out, you
Can’t stop the tide
And it beats the shore as long as its alive
Like a heart in the chest
Or a friend that knows me best
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4PGC1i35C
I sat on the couch and cried
It was as though someone had died
Coz she’s never coming back
When she does she just attack
Me for being what I am
The door closes with a slam
On my toes
And it’s like anything goes
Coz she needs her freedom
More than she needs me to see them
In a positive light
But some of it is just shite
Coz I can see though what you’re putting out
And there may be self doubt
But there is also a caustic fibre
And I know that inside her
Something burns a fuse
Like it’s everything that she could lose
With one single breath of trust
And he is all lust
In her eyes
Not the disguise
That he wears
As the fabric tears
On eighteen
And the dream
Is an insubstantial phantom that cannot contain
The sky when it starts to rain
It must just surrender to the water
And I to being a daughter
Of what I didn’t decide
I wish I didn’t have to hide
Behind the folds of the sheets
Every time we meet
In case she might know
The rose garden is where the thorns grow
I died a death and it’s not something you can forget
So I’m not about to just let
Someone dictate who I am
All because there is a plan
We must fall into
Like a lie of red and blue
When I am pristine
And totally outside the dream
He’s got an iron fist
And wants to know the people that I’ve kissed
So he could trap me in a word
But it’s everything that I heard
In the nothingness that you are
And every star
Must learn to burn in the dark
Some kind of mix of dust and quarks
That encapsulate a snare
And just because I was not there
Doesn’t mean I didn’t care
About your road to peace
But it’s already ceased
In me
And letting you go was being set free
From some kind of obligation
You just want to pull into the station
Every night like clockwork time
But a good woman will never be mine
I’m out to be beyond that trap
And I’m sure she will let you map
The avenues of her
As you paper over what we were
I fail to give an adequate reply
I guess that’s how you know it’s goodbye
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4qWkf3hjY
I don’t get to call her a whore
Because feminism loves her more
And it would just be a slut shame
To mark her by that name
But somehow I feel she sold out
To paper over your doubt
And build a bridge with you
That she would stand on too
And you are on the brink
Of what I daren’t think
To be true
But I can’t be that for you
Not anymore
Every closed door
Is an opening to something else
And your mental health
May be a heavy weight
But I don’t give in to hate
Like the people sing
I believe in Martin Luther King
And what he said about a low down trope
And I’m glad she helps you cope
Like your drug of choice
And you try to silence my voice
Because it is too much truth for you
You let me in, what do you want me to do
Just lie to you to keep you sweet
I saw you the day that we meet
And the garden burst into bloom
Like I was the only one in the room
And we spoke some words
Like they were the only ones you’d ever heard
And your eyes looked into the dream
You know the one where I’d never been
And I feel you crawl over my skin
There’s tingles in the rhythm of sin
And when I gaze into your eyes
You scrunch your nose in mock surprise
And I think “he just doesn’t get it”
Then he tells me to forget it
Coz there’s no pay at the end of the day
Did you think I was gonna give it away?
Image Credit: https://pin.it/459DKBjgv
Boiling the kettle sitting on the stove
All your eyes ever do is rove
Over the arches and around the bends
I close my heart and the message hits send
And it never gets past her gate
Because her love is born of hate
Or at least of fear
The arrow quivers when it gets near
To the point where it hits home
The target and I are all alone
In the mists of what you can’t control
I didn’t ask for you heart, I didn’t ask for a soul
I just asked if it was okay to give you mine
And say that it’s you and I for all of a time
Is that a paradox
You’re the one who undid the locks
Around the chains of me
And the rains of sea
Come to drown the land
I know you think you understand
But you’ve missed the crucial point
And that’s why your nose is out of joint
In the articulate
Did you hear the click of the gate
When I walked out the door
Left the garden and what’s more
I condemned it to darkness again
Until I can find the light in men
Image Credit: https://pin.it/1jDvTSWaz
There is a wolf and it barks at me
Something is longing to be set free
As it clutches and it holds
It perforates and it bolds
The font it wants to choose
And I’m just something it can use
When it’s in control of her
And everything that we always were
Is nothing now
And all I can do is allow
The trample to subside
Because when it does she’ll realise I am alive
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4c3hSMAtM
Are you a narcissist, I think I'd love you anyway
And I've had my truck with one before you came my way
And she goddamned broke my heart with her remarks
And I lived for two months in the complete dark
With no hope of light
But I said that it's alright
Because she is out of my life
Now I just want to be his wife
And I see the familiar pattern
Like I am coming at him
When I just say how I feel
And I wonder if this is real
Because I'm just sitting by his side
With no way to hide
Anything that is inside
And I hear in the years that have moved on
His memory of me is almost gone
And that he has got a girl
At least he tells me that in his world
I am shy of the ceiling
And there's no way he can be dealing
With my kind of shit
But I just keep talking it
Though I fail to say the words I mean
You are my fucking dream
You are my love and my heart
And I just want to take part
In your life
Does lightning strike twice?
Or does love just make the ground
A place that can hold the sound
Of the thunder as it rolls
Something entwines our two souls
Image Credit: https://pin.it/5MISP2lfJ
I could tell that he wanted to die
And I just wanted to tell him not to cry
But how can I be of use
How can I be the proof
That life is worth living
And there's nothing that needs forgiving
You are innocent, pure
And I trust in that place in you, for sure
But you don't believe me and I watch you turn away
And I am lost for words to say
Just know that I will be here, here
And I will make it crystal clear
That I am not going anywhere
So don't you dare
Depart these lands
Because someone understands
Even if she blushes when you smile
Even if she'd watch you for a long while
Even if she'd make pain into art
And wait before she gives you her heart
Even though it's yours for the taking
And I'm not faking
I'm just shy and a little afraid
And you're so bright I seek the shade
So I can look out from there
And make sure you know I care
I count every step you take
To me and with each one I hope you wake
To the notion that love is true
And that it will always be in me for you
I find that the explosive anger hits me right where it hurts
But I have to admit that it was there first
And has a right to existm
There were years that I missed
Before I was born
And things were torn
Like the veil of the sky
When someone is about to die
And I used to cower in fear
When it came near
Like a monster in someone's shoes
Til I found a man that sings the blues
And I would be willing to give up that terror
Just so I could correct the error
In this thinking
That has him drinking
In the idea that "no one cares"
May I be the one who dares
As I reach out to hold his hand
And hope that I understand
Everything under the weight of his cloud
I walk like a widow in a funeral shroud
Mourning all those who've died
But he catches the tears I've cried
And I can see in his eyes
That he would have tried
If no one had been there to stop that train
So I come round again
To sit on the cart
And give him all of my heart
You are a special soul
And I'll be with you as the waves roll
Come what may
It doesn't matter what people say
It only matters what you are
And you, my love, are my burning star
Image Credit: https://pin.it/5NSMczHIV
Thank you to whoever bought Metaphysical! If you are on here drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of it – good or bad.
It means so much to me that you guys read my work and enjoy it. That there are actually physical copies going into the hands of people around the world, whether they be my friends and family, or strangers I’ve met through the internet really fills me with appreciation.
So, thank you again ❤️❤️❤️
Oh, and didn’t miss the 11.11 💫
It was a dark night fairytale the day that we met
And I cannot forget
The ages and the eave runs
It was by the light of a hundred thousand suns
That we were born
And then we were torn
I’ve been scared to revisit that time
In case you might know my crime
And I’ve been eviscerated
For the things I barely stated
Stunned into silence
By their violence
As I try to annunciate
All that caused me to run from that date
And the only solace I find
Is by expositioning the mind
On a piece of paper
And I don’t hate her
But I don’t love her either
Not the way the webs deceive her
And cause her to lash out at me
Then tell me that I am free
To go my own way
What is it that they say
You don’t know it til you’ve lost it
And it was earnings but I didn’t cost it
Image Credit: https://pin.it/6xDit2Umz
The forest closed in around the girl
And for the last time she saw the world
As it had always been
There was a time when she was the queen
In perfect aftershave
Now there is no one to save
And she must cope with the weight
That buckles under people’s hate
And she shines a new light unto the dawn
But all that she craved is long gone
And untoward
Just don’t say that you’re bored
With the way things are
I’ll meet you under a star
Image Credit: https://pin.it/4GeemStj4
I can’t stand my own appearance
It’s like they’re having a clearance
Sale on all I used to be
And I hear the pause where it had been complimentary
And I must square with losing the body
And all that it attends
There is a brutal breakage that nothing mends
And the legacy of their “love”
Is a girl ten times closer to above
And they claim they do it right
But I remember the night
They lashed me with their whips
Just so they could own my eclipse
And she said she would call the cops
Now all she is to me is what she was not
In the evening time of a gaslit anthem
Tiptoeing around a ranting
Shout at the break of day
I guess things can’t always go my way
Or if they do it’s on a different plane
I’ve lost a lot but there’s something that I gain
In the surrender
Am I the girl I used to remember
So free and so blue
Now they just say she used to
Be that way
Because in the midnight I made hay
And someday in the light
Everyone will see why I’m so quiet
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Magic makes might
And some things will always be bright
Even in the darkest night
Of the dawn
I watched it as it became the gone
And now my body is fading, fading
I’m aging, aging
Almost thirty four
With forty knocking on the door
And it’s always been this way
From ten years old that I cannot make stay
And I watch my grandfather die
I didn’t have the tears to cry
Because the pain was too intense
And the asylum seekers live in tents
On the streets
And my heartbeats
Are all numbered
I wonder if they are coloured
By the shades of what I am
And I wonder if I can
Ever be something new
If I’m always hankering after you
And they put me on the pill
(Not the one that will
Allow you to have fun
It’s another one)
And it caused me to gain weight
And God knows what else under the fate
Of what I must now carry
And their burdens marry
Me to the nearest guy
But that’s not something I want to try
To replicate
The best lovers never go on a date
Trying to cure myself of the sin they caused
I look up from the dream and the screen is paused
And is the thing I believe in all corrupt
Do I get blamed just for questioning love
Coz I don’t want to be the bad guy
But I try and try and try and try
And never see anything but the sky
And the part of me that will not die
And do I just rebel, rebel
Are the disbelievers going to hell
Coz I can’t contain all this pain
I sing my sonnet but I do it in vain
And do I always think I’m right
Telling stories by the firelight
Just to engage and ignite
But some things there are that are out of sight
And I’ve been loyal to what I said to him
That I wouldn’t criticize the din
That sounded when the cymbals clashed
But I let go, now the glass is smashed
And I can’t repair it piece by piece
It’s what happen when the drama cease
And I wonder what I
Will be like in the future if I don’t cry
Out against the crimes I see
Are we just repeating history
And am I myself just as much to blame
When I sink into the walls of my shame
And come out smelling of roses too
I put off something that I meant to you
Until a tomorrow that never comes
But the waves are high and the rush succumbs
And it’s true that the drugs numb
The place that I’m travelling from
Coz I feel a sudden in the air
An offering that isn’t there
And I run out to grasp the hands
That carry the weight of slipping sands
But time won’t wait for a single grain
And fighting it just causes pain
To me, to them, to us, to we
I keep on shouting why don’t you see
But the immortal has been condensed
To something put in the past tense
Or in the future salvation now
I don’t know how to carry it somehow
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Let sleeping dogs lie
And let that boy try and try
He’s never gonna get a bite on that line
I thought I told you the first time
And I love you, now and forever
But I do not endeavour
To chip away at the old armour links
And I know that he thinks
He can overpower me with the weight of his control
But I’ve only ever loved his soul
And not the frame that he gives voice to
Although it is beautiful to see you
Shining through the flesh and bone
And feeling less alone
When I am around
But the sound
Of one hand clapping
And the ideas that you are mapping
Won’t find you the treasure you crave
I’m not the girl you came here to save
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They’re all for the right to choose
Like it is a point to prove
And being female means you have the right
To extinguish life
If it flows forth from you
And depends on what you’re giving to
The wilderness of a winter
And every fire knows the cinder
That burns on after the flames are gone
And the echoes of this are for so long
And I gave up acres just so I could say
I don’t agree with things being this way
But it’s become a moot point to speak
On what you think when your resolve is weak
And I’ve no desire to misunderstand
Or act like I’m a man
Who’s in control of the whole rote learned degree
It just seems like a blight on our history
To think that the embryonic cell
Does not contain all that will grow well
Into its teens
In sighs and ripped jeans
But when you put a full stop at the end of a sentence
You block the entrance
And ward off all visitors there
Don’t tell me that you care
About women’s rights
When you watch them take flights
And just because I don’t agree
Doesn’t mean that she is less free
Than I could ever be
There are notes scrawled on bathroom door
And flyers up and what’s more
The student’s union promotes the thing
While the opposites argue about a ring
Can we have a conversation where one side versus the other
Becomes a spectrum of lover to lover
Making heaven in the sky
It doesn’t mean they have to die
Or that you have to cede ground
Just answer when you hear the sound
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There’s a link on the chain
And it’s all well and good til it starts to rain
And you lose someone you love
Walking the earth then suddenly above
And everyone can say; you’ll be alright
But there’s this vast empty feeling in the night
And no one where there used to be there
I acted like I didn’t care
Coz I couldn’t let you know the truth
That I am letting go my youth
And you’re part of the scene
The fabric of dream
That dissipate
And there’s nothing about hate
I know you were alone
And I left our home
But I simply couldn’t stay
And I wouldn’t have wanted you to go away
But you did
And the lid
Of a bottle will never be the same
Am I strong enough to say your name?
Have we become the abortion state
The ones that would make a person wait
To see if they qualify
For the right to die
And she shudders when she realise
That all of her stormy skies
Have condensed into a cell
That she does not wish well
She just wants to get it out, out
And I can’t let my truth escape my mouth
Because what if she feels judged, sad
All I can think is how bad
It must be to give birth
To a wire you don’t want to earth
And though I feel the separation
Between you and I and our education
I don’t want to let this one go to loss
Do you know the cost
That is paid
When you put the sun in the shade
And believe that mothering blues
Is all that will become of you
If you release the foe
And let the war with her go
And the man just walks away
Because he has had his full today
And there is nothing more to say
Than just get rid of it
I don’t want to throw a few quid at it
Until it reaches eighteen years old
And what have we been told
About the genesis of life
Do we really know when a wife
Conceives
And what she believes
Determines what we see
I know that if it was me
I wouldn’t want to water the ground
With a mere lack of sound
And it’s easy to say
She shouldn’t move that way
Because I see a child, a child
In a heartbeat and a smile
Somewhere in the amniotic sac
And once it’s gone you can’t get it back
And what you lack
Is a structure that supports
You to a deeper force
Living with injustice die
I can hear her spirit cry
Out loud and in her deepest woe
I have to just let it go
But I can not forgive myself
Is that what happens when you let go of wealth
I like an iced drink on the rocks
Like I used to like Seapoint and the playing slots
Because my grandmother created a memory with me
As we bet on 5p
To reveal the mystery
And she had lost my grandfather to history
But she did not stay long
Is it wrong
To see the poetic madness in following the one you love
To the grave or to above
If that’s how you see it
And something tells me I’ve got to just be it
And he’s miles away from me
But I don’t want him to see
He’s always been the one my soul chooses
And everything is just weight that he loses
As he untethers his pain
And something brings us together again
I’m making this masterpiece so that you
Might know who I’m talking to
When I follow the fuse
To the one I always choose
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Don’t come to me looking for your tears
They haven’t been here for years and years
And all that you sought to steal
Cannot escape the grasp of the real
Why did I listen to you
Coz you don’t know what you’re talking about do you
When you have a rule book to follow
And all of your words ring a little bit hollow
As they seek to protect
Me from the male reject
But I fuckin’ love it, man
And you never can
Take me from the study of human behaviour
And the masculine form as it tries to save you
From what you are
I wouldn’t worry ‘bout me, I am made from a star
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You go be a realistic adult
Just leave me as I am
I don’t need your adequate prose
Or my life to plan
Just let the shards fall softly
Like snow from the sky
The wages of sin is death
So excuse me while I don’t reply
To all your locked boxes
Checked like they would
Did you really find your refuge
In an abandoned wood
Coz it’s been so long since twenty one
And longer since twenty two
And now I find I’m covetous
Of all that belongs to you
In the winter that breaks the snow
And the places I would not go
For love nor money
I’m an author now, honey
And your smash and grab won’t win
Oh, what I did to him
To prove our love was real
Was I really out to steal
Or just to interrupt
With that hat that I adjust
Like so on my head
And now the man is wed
But inner dimensionally
And guess what it’s to me
And my hands shake as I write the letter
Said I know I love you better
And the ink is splotched and tear stained
You can tell the places the clouds rained
Down from my eye
As blue as an azure sky
In the coast that we frequent
Don’t know where the trouble went
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She beats it out of me
The love that she desires
And she says that it’s all fine
While she’s lighting fires
And burning me with her aim
Oh what is in a name
Because she isn’t who she was to me
But there’s no point trying to make her see
She’ll just get her gun and match
Light up the realm like it’s a thatch
And scream it down
I told her I didn’t want to be around
And she screeched into the grass
Oh how to make a moment last
Coz I can’t delete it from my consciousness
Oh who she is I can second guess
Coz I thought I could rely
But then I speak the words to die
And she lets it fly
Her avenging angel into my sky
And there’s no way back
She pushes me round before she attack
Me with a flurry of words
Like they’re not something I’ve already heard
From the aforementioned scene
I woke up from the life that’s a dream
But she keeps trying to push me under
Go back to being just a number
She can calculate
But she knows nothing about fate
Or my destiny
She thinks she knows when she’s talking to me
Just who I am
I’m not her plan
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The fawn is always yawning out her insides
I swear you could set your clock by the way that she abides
By the steady midnight tock
Of the stories that she keeps on lock
And I’ve decided to just drop out of her sphere
Because chains, bells and whistles when she is near
And she never listens and she never hears
She is the iceberg as my ship steers
Unto it’s own direction
And it’s as if love is just a selection
That we make
I know you call the boys and girls fake
When they do not measure up
To the talisman of our love
And I keep it held in my heart
But you wouldn’t know if you tear it apart
Just to find out what is there
It’s like asking a brain to care
After a person is dead
What is it that you said
You don’t have time
That might have been a good line
If it had been true
But, man, I just don’t believe you
Not when you’re rocking back and forth
On the chair on our porch
When we’re both eighty two
No Bambi can take me away from you
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I burst onto the scene
Like Taylor Swift in a dream
Saying speak now, speak now
I’ve got to somehow
As you stood at the altar
Like a horse with his neck in a halter
And I know you have things to prove
And someone you can’t afford to lose
It’s just I had to spill the truth
Like stardust over our youth
And maybe it’s a little too much
13 going on 30 as we touch
After six years on the fly
And I swear that I would rather die
Than go to him now
After all the crimes that he allow
To be committed in his name
And I agree to play the game
As the wolves descend
On a wound that no one can mend
And the blood is stained white
As he talks more shite
In the name of being proud and true
And deferent to you
But the beauty and the Beast
Haven’t had enough of a feast
Until all has been decided
Am I just a girl that he derided
When she got a little too close to the core
I just bask on the shore
As he asks where’s the rum gone
I say, baby, it’s been that way for so long
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What’s all this self flagellation on the screen
As if I am not still the queen
Of my own domain
I look outside and it starts to rain
And in Ireland it pours
It’s still the same man my heart adores
Though I never let my mouth speak
In case he might think that I am weak
For having such tender feelings
And for the reeling
That he induced
When he produced
His sense of humour and a pistol
Now we’re out dancing in Krystle
And its the bane of Dublin City in the mid 2000’s
I remember when I thought love meant holding hands
And going on walks on the beach
Is it what you come to teach
That it is the unattainable I can never reach
And I may have been eighteen and naive
But I still can’t believe
You would turn away from all we are
I know because there is a star
Shining over the place where you abide
And I know that you reside
With another woman now
And she keeps you coming, somehow
Always home to her gate
And there was never much on my dinner plate
To offer up to the sky
Only that I was willing to die
To bring you to a place of balance
And being out of luck is one of my talents
When it comes to you
I let you see because you wanted me to
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The newspapers are not what they used to be
Slave to some indignity
And they do not report on the crime
I watched the man do hard time
And no one listened
My teardrops glistened
And I saw the female pulverise
It is right under our eyes
And yet no one looks
Everyone’s too busy on face books
Liking tutorials about how to paint the sky
Or do a smokie eye
And I lie
When I say that it’s okay
That we spend our time this way
And all the chicks call me out
For putting a hand over their mouth
And telling them they cannot spend their days
As they like but there are so many ways
They are influenced by outside forces
And the thing is they love divorces
When they’re spread all over shiny pages
Coz the part of them that rages
Tells them it’s normal, okay
Everyone else is doing life the same way
Just don’t go looking or you will find
A much darker side to the human mind
And your being on a marionette
Does nothing to ease the regret
Of those who took a step too far
In an empty room or a crowded bar
And I don’t mean to spill the tea
But there are deeper dragons than me
To lady up a storm
And it would make you wish you were never born
To roll in that sea
I looked at the gross debauchery
Under the cover of a sheet
And I’m dying to meet
A man who could protect me
But they all reject me
When they see I am not for the string
I’ve got a scissors and I cut everything
And it’s like woke Barbie in the movie
But there was a point when Greta lose me
Coz I’m not buying all that is sold
And women don’t do what they’re told
They do what they’re made to do
And I must say the change starts with you
Getting informed
But be warned
The bed of roses is full of thorns
And the darkness is a storm
You cannot quench with water
There is an ungodly slaughter
Going on
I watch the sunset til it’s gone
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Why do I get to sit by my fire
While the people in the Middle East tire
Of being ignored by the Western world
And I’m just a girl
What difference can I make
I am not one to shake
Out the tree
Of indignity
And revolutionise
The way the hope dies
And the children, the children, the children bleed
And I know that all they need
Is some warm food in their bellies
No waiting til after dinner to give them jellies
And there’s a protest dying
Somewhere a mother is crying
Over her son
And I wish I could be the one
To soothe the pain
But the rain
Doesn’t fall when you need it to
We are told there’s nothing we can do
As the educated eejits make bombs of war
I don’t know what it’s for
If not to destroy
How can you teach a boy
That he shouldn’t push that button red
But the temptation overcomes instead
Because to expand your land
Is the fuel to the demand
Of a heart never satisfied
I don’t know but I think that the truth died
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I know you’ve got a wife
And I believe that it’s for life
When you make a promise to someone
And I know that the sun
Has gone down on what we were
I used to be angry at her
For taking you away from me
Bitter coz you didn’t stay with me
And I was flying high
And you just wanted to die
I could feel it in my bones
When we left our homes
You know the one in LA
And no matter what you say
We can’t put it back together
And you just live in the rainy English weather
While I soak up the sun
And now that it’s done
I can finally breathe
Because what we both need
Was not the claustrophobia and smother
I was your girl, not your mother
And they all write about us
But there just was this trust
Between us
I though I had dreamed us
Up
But then my cup
Overflows and spills all over the floor
And the one that I adore
Is many miles away
And not just physically and so I pray
To the God I claim to know
How do I let you go?
When you mean it all to me
Is there a past tense to infinity?
And does it mean now that the rose is in my garden
That I shouldn’t be so hard on him
For what he could not be
I couldn’t hold on so I let you go free
I always thought you’d come back to me
But forever is now part of our history
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Anguishing a sigh
As she lets her foetus die
And she don’t even cry
Because she had to travel across the water
To say goodbye to a daughter
She will never know
But it’s the right choice to let go
Isn’t it, isn’t it
She questions herself
Gets checked out for mental health
Conditions and now they’ve passed the law
But some part of her spirit doesn’t thaw
Because the shame, the shame
Of a life that will never have a name
And they say they believe in choices
But they silence voices
That will never speak
Because the weak
Are always the first to go
In any kind of broadway show
And I mapped the terrain
Listened to their arguments in vain
To see if I could spy
Some reason why
They say they’re not human
What are they doing
To us just because we have the means
To stifle someone else’s dreams
And it’s not about judgement or pushing you down
It’s about realising what drives this town
And the pull of democracy
That’s tied to an industry
That makes money on this
And every last kiss
That everyone makes
Is the first time someone breaks
And maybe it’s my relationship with grief and death
That has me projecting my own regret
Onto these women
And all the “sinning”
That I ever did
Has been kept under the lid
As I expose
The less travelled roads
That I have not shown
And I’m Catholic, true
But I don’t believe in it all, do you
And all I do is hold it in
Because I have a duty to him
He who died upon a cross
He who said all is not lost
But my defence fails
When I look at the nails
I hold in my palm
Do I crucify another psalm
And raise the dead
Just so I can make my bread
And I hear someone sob and say
I had to let go, okay
As if I sit in some judgement chair
And say you’re the reason she’s not there
But I let the wave break across the strand
And let fear stay my hand
I didn’t vote
Though don’t quote
Me on that
I couldn’t say it was old hat
But I couldn’t hold a knife to her
And say continue what we were
Either
And in the ether
I find peace
As I let the loss decease
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The old dark machine pulls and it shakes
It shudders when the earth quakes
Entertaining no form of rain
Though the ground is wet in vain
And no grass grows up to meet
The pavement that they call a street
And somehow I see it in her eyes
The part of her that dies
Every time the house is empty
And I was just a girl of twenty
When I realised
That everybody dies
Slowly but not all the same
Some are not even given a name
As in their mother’s womb they lie
And she in grief because they try and try
For so long to bequeath a child
Now all they’re left with is the wild
Of the Burren sparse and grey
Though beauty in its own way
Will rise up through the crevice crack
From a life they can’t get back
As they grasp and struggle and refrain
I didn’t know that I could forgive the pain
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It’s an Irish tradition
But it feels like ammunition
Firing into my soul
Oh, what it takes to be whole
When a person is ripped from this earth
And people just say, I’m sorry that it hurt
As I look at the body in the coffin
And it wasn’t for a lack of lovin’
That it’s in there
All the people who care
Are seated in a square
Around the walls
A four cornered room and we walk down the halls
Lined up in black
And the slack
That is cut like a new shirt
Won’t still the breath that we skirt
“She looks the same”
Or “He looks peaceful” and his name
Is met by an inflection of the head
The horror of when someone is dead
And there’s nothing you can do to get them back
I remember when they carried him out and lack
The ability to hold the memory in equanimity
Coz it’s the last time I’ll ever see
Him in that way
What do they say?
This too shall pass
But I don’t want it to if the love don’t last
Though the memory is like a baseball bat
And people wonder what am I at
Haunting the halls
I say it wouldn’t be this way if the walls
Would just fall down
But I drown
In the ocean I open up
In the name of love
And tears they pour like a saltwater sea
Down my cheeks and cut a valley through me
Like a glacier that moved the ground
To make Kilglass lake and the sound
Of the drumlin belt echoing calls
Across the marsh and the footballs
That just hang in the sky
Why did my grandfather have to die?
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Go water your seeds
It isn’t for me
And every month she bleeds
Out part of our history
As she longs for child
To fill the part of her that’s wild
And forever free
But eternity
Won’t let me move in that direction
And no man with an erection
Of desire in the mood
Shall make me brood
Over what shall not come to pass
And if I ever had class
It’s gone now
So I allow
The truth of my being to express
The part of me that’s a mess
And her hot under the collar bothers me
Because she expects my dignity
To go the way of her folly
But I just hit the volley
Right back at her
And whatever we were
Is gone now and it’s a relief
Because her belief
In how things should be
Have only ever chained up me
To the post of her mocking
And she fills her stocking
With a heavy denier soul
I only ever see getting old
And she fears that time
When forty two would be mine
In the age of running dry
And it’s okay for me but she’s barely getting by
On the fuel that heats her from beneath
I left that gemstone on the street
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There’s a darkness inside me that I can’t evict
Like when I call the man I love a dick
And lash out at him
For loving other women
When I sent him away
When I said you cannot stay
Coz you only want to have sex
And I don’t know what you expect
From me
And history
Is just the future in reverse
And do we just rehearse
The story everyone else is spinning
And no one is really winning
When we share what we lack
Then he said I can’t come back
Though I self flagellate
Anything to make a date
Of things and make it officially true
But he turns up his nose and says “I don’t love you”
But I know you do
And I can’t explain it
There’s no one to train it
Into you
And when the colour blue
Is on fire red
And I am not warming up your bed
Do you set a scene
Make an enemy of me in the dream
And then wake up screaming
Oh, now I am really steaming
So I tell you IDGAFuck
And if you want me to you’re in hard luck
I can really be mean when I want to be
A bitch on the front of everything you want to see
Coz I won’t bear child
And the fact that you force it down my throat is wild
I wasn’t made to sin
And lie to myself over him
Just to complete the circle
We’re all on a rock that hurtle
Through outer space
And it would be a waste
To bring another soul
Into this rock and roll
But he’s bitter and mad
And I know he don’t say it, but a little bit sad
About the whole story
Says he don’t adore me
I let it fly
And someday you may wonder why
When I make my home with someone else
And leave behind your poor mental health
With a different chick
But I’m sorry for thinking you were a prick
I didn’t say it out loud
But you are so proud
I’m sure you can hear it
And it didn’t endear it
To any of you
So let the water wash me away if you want it to
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Is to be mother just to gain an experience
Nothing to do with the child
But a biological urging that has run wild
And we’re watching little ones bleed to death
On a screen but we forget
As we bring new babies to this earth
That they are capable of feeling hurt
And I am reminded of a promise I made
Before the sun put me in the shade
That I would never fall to the fallow field
That only knows how to yield
To a power greater than it
Fertile ground that only ever sit
In the seed to germinate
So he asks the girl on a date
And it may be for the masses, it isn’t for me
But I love them so much and they do not see
As the mattress bows and the bodies writhe
But they’re ashamed and so they hide
Their lovemaking under the covers
Because they should never be lovers
According to modern society
You must do it in the dark or someone will see
And you’ll go to hell (or something like that)
But I took the baseball bat
And smashed that particular window
Because I don’t believe it’s a sin, though
There is shame and there is expense
When you do it outside the present tense
And I may be tantric and I may be yogi
But I don’t walk with someone that doesn’t know me
In the depths, not surface tension
And the only way to make an extension
Is to know just who you are
But when I saw that boy I saw the star
Burning in his heart and soul
I was just eighteen years old
And he six months my junior
But still 1990 so acceptable sooner
Than I would have liked
And my courage spiked
As we sat next to each other
As though the apple had fallen into the hands of a lover
And we both took a bite
But it is alright
Fifteen and a half years later
Though there is a crater
Left by that meteor strike
I just thought you should know I like
You in that way
Though what is it that you say
You don’t got time
Well, here I have plenty, take some of mine
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Death stalks even the most fertile of land
I would go as far as to say you can only understand
Life if you’ve had a little loss
Not just make up and candy floss
To keep yourself looking young
And your song is sung
When you’re eight one
And looking in the mirror
That girl you once were, do you hear her
“She was a good age”, that’s what they say
But I still blame God for taking you away
Just a little too soon
And I’m in the room
And I’m crying, screaming
And if I am only dreaming
Then why does it hurt so much
Why does it feel that all the love
I’ve ever had has departed
No second chances, only heavy hearted
Ways and means
And moonbeams
Sing to me of you
Something about white light and what it can do
To free a soul
I know you were old
And I was twenty nine
And I should be fine
But I’m not
So I take the last shot
That has ever been fired
And I only fall asleep when I’m tired
From all the crying and wailing against
What God whispers to me is heaven sent
And she never had to experience covid or crisis
Had angels around her when she shut her eyelids
And it’s selfish but the pain
Is the only thing that remain
In me for you
Because all the blue
Of the sky has absorbed you in
And maybe now you are with him
Somewhere in the serene
And seventeen
Is come again
When you lose someone, a really good friend
But you find yourself among the debris
And if anyone is looking for me
You should let them know
That I always follow where you go
And into the mystic, into the free
I’m still here but something has left me
Like a bomb shattered house that loses its frame
Like a sage who goes by a different name
Like the winter that bursts into spring
Like waking up to everything
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The Poetry Book 