I will, yeah also means no
It’s easier if you just let it go 
And don’t try to understand
Because woman can never be man 
And every one of them came from one of us
And I wonder if that’s why they’re cursed 
As they try to get back to what they know 
And it’s something I don’t show 
But I have all the answers 
And I was one of the dancers 
In the midst of the trouble 
I burst that particular little bubble 
Of yours 
When I kicked in the doors 
On what you thought you were 
I know you’re with her 
But that doesn’t mean I won’t still speak the truth 
And pulverise your pretty little youth 
As you play the brute 
With me but you’re a fool 
Coz I can pierce your cool 
With a single look 
As you try to do it by the book 
And I know I’m being unreasonable, phew
I just can’t look at you 

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My psychosis 
Was just more evidence I am precocious 
For my age
It’s was at age thirty two I last turned the page 
And soon I’ll be turning it again 
Make of that what you like, Amen
And I liked that boy in the band
What do you call him, Matty something and underhand 
Is his gaze when he winks at me 
But I’d give it away for free
If those eyes would just meet mine
I try it a thousand times
But I can never make it stick 
And the guy’s friend said he could be a dick
But I don’t agree 
Because what he has isn’t what he is, you see
And I got excommunicated from any kind of rationale
And now he just wants to call me his pal 
As he plays home with another girl 
I think they have a kid, in any kind of normal world 
Coz he’s the same age as me (well close enough)
And if you purse your lips it must be love 
In the aftermath
Of the bloodbath
That was our last encounter
I asked him to denounce her
And he refused
Denounced me instead, the cool fucking dude 
Then set the dogs on me
And they bit my tail til I let them go free 
And they took parts of me with them 
Are they going to come after me again 
If I start telling the truth
And live up to the promise of my youth 
Prolific writer and seeing stars everywhere
Looking round to catch Kenie’s stare 
As he is turning it full flare on me 
Is there something else that I can be 
Other than some man’s object of affection 
Throwing me against a wall just so he can make a selection 
And own me like everybody else 
I’m sorry that I made butter melt 
But I’m not your doll 
That’s why I didn’t answer the call 

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Old misery bones is shaking her chains again
I look outside and it’s rain
And my life is terrible and awful
But while I’m taking the meds it’s still lawful
To feel this way 
Is there something in what the people say
That the door will hit you on your way out
And he had enough of my smart mouth
When he hit me with it
Called me quick witted
Then pulled the rug from under my feet
Like we’re in bed and it’s a sheet
And it’s disallowed to speak this way 
I remember what Mark used to say
And how I didn’t understand
But nodded along as long as it was planned 
And the encyclopaedia was a treasure trove of information
Til people tell you you’re getting above your station 
But I love my mind
Even if I’ve left part of it behind 
Embarking on this route
And I like that man although he’s a flute 
And plays like the pied piper every day
And people wonder how he got that way
As if he was flung from the sky
Just falling from on high
And I know it was a lie
When he said he was okay 
Like the ghost that lies in the hay
Tormenting my soul 
As the waves roll 
Into the grand abyss
Do you remember the years we used to kiss
Anytime we wanted 
Now my halls are haunted 
And they all ring with the sound of you
I left because I thought you wanted me to 

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The weeping starts when you realise
That everyone you love dies
Sooner or later
So the question isn’t whether you should date her
It’s do you cherish her now
Coz that’s the only moment fate will allow
You to be sure of
He fit me like a glove
But I could see sunset in his eyes
And it was a thinly veiled disguise
As his broken need met my solemn stare
And I swore I would be there
For him through thick and thin
Even if I’m only working from within
And the chains come to whip my skin
And not in a good way like his predilection 
In a way that separates souls
And crashes waves against the shore as they roll
Knowing all of us will be shattered by life
Obliterated beyond the husband and wife 
We sought to be
And I always saw you down on one knee
But I also saw you crucified
And if I said I didn’t love you, well, I lied
Coz I can’t bear the departure 
That comes with every gate you open to your heart, your
Spirit
And I don’t know if you can hear it
But I whisper your name every night
Before sleep takes me in the twilight
And your brutal assault
Closed the doors of my vault
But they open when you’re not looking
So I can watch every flight that you’re booking
To foreign lands
And I still remember the feel of your hands 
As they brushed against mine
Showing me something I’ll remember for all time
Even if you forget
A secret handshake that unlocks me yet

I pull on the thread and watch the knot come undone
Is this the place to go if you wanna get some
Coz I’m just flicking on my phone
And I am all alone
Because it’s a sin to make two
If you’re not married to the person that you
Have fallen for
He opens the door
And watches me enter
And I should have known that that old dementor 
Would fuck things up
Because it was the first time I’d ever been in love
And it seemed too good to be true
And my mind is like “he’s staring back at you”
And my family’s like it’s a good deal to make
But every bargain is only there to break
And a good relationship sounds like hell
As people shake your hand and wish us well
Eugh, I’d much rather our dark fantasy
And the unrequited that shakes its ass at me 
As I pool the blood at the base of my spine
In the name of what I call mine
And it’s trippy and that’s for sure
Did someone just call me a cute hoor 
For daring to step on your toes
You know you love it, anything goes
And if passion was a fuse to burn
We’d trip the switch, why do we never learn?

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Fucked up and interesting but hella blue
I’ll never be what you think I am to you
Coz you reach and then clutch, you crave and then claw
And you care nothing for the great thaw
As it pours in rivers down mountainsides
There is something in me that always abides
And it’s in you too but the blackened soot
Means you tread ground everywhere underfoot
Til everything’s flattened and everything’s grey
I wonder sometimes if you were born that way
Or if you grew up to do what you were told
And paint others down when they tried to be bold
Like you’ve done to me 
But forever free
Is something I’ll always be
In spite of your calamitous affair
There’s something of real love that is there
And God and the blues and diamonds that shine
There’s something you take but it’ll never be mine

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How does she still think she is that to me
How does she not see
That I took that card away from her possession
After I made my confession
And she screamed into the wind
And told me that I sinned
Metaphorically whipped me with a chain
When I had the audacity to rain
All over the fields I grew up on
Now most of the grass is gone
But the green is still there
And she’s still trying to show me that she care
As she clicks the clasp on the lock
And tells me everything that I’m not 
Like colouring outside the lines
I’ll always be the artist undefined
Under the make up that she craves
And the lies she thinks that saves
A soul from the perish
But if I was something that you cherish
You wouldn’t batter me blue
Then expect me to say that I love you 

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The beautiful pain is gone
I still remember the stain that lasted for so long
And it was the colour of seventeen 
Breaking into the reverie of my dream
And I bumped into David
But I think I saved it
For later for too long
And how every song
He would ever post
Had me singing along like Ghost
But then I spilt the beans
And he smashed the cacophony of streams
Into a thousand strands of hair
And now I live like I’m not there
And he has a woman to keep him warm
Maybe marriage and a first born
I don’t know coz I let it go
When she said it’s immoral so
I’d be a homewrecker if I stayed
And I could swear the female in me bayed
Like a wolf at the moon
And the bells of doom
Evaporate 
Oh, all the things I didn’t state
When I had the chance
I wish he would’ve asked me to dance
At battle of the bands
But, anyway, it’s slipping sands
In the hourglass of my life
And somebody else’s wife
Is something I’ll never be
But it’s a moment and I’m all at sea

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The riverbeds flow with the water of us
And the plain is flooded with broken trust
And you’re such a big man, you can tell me to fuck off
Is it only I who know how much it cost
You to say those words
Now I’m Nelly Furtado and those birds
Are looking like something I need to be
And you try to embarrass me
Into defeat
Did you think I was falling at your feet
I was only giving you a way
To express what you never say
By taking the lower position
Then you use it as ammunition 
To fire at me
How ‘bout I just set you free
And you can go mess up someone else’s life
Word on the grapevine is that he’s got a wife
And I wonder if she’s the fire that burns everything
And if that’s why you gave her a ring
Instead of me
The day calling me back was free
But it’s pricey now
And I don’t think you can afford it somehow

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I said I love you and I swear I still do
and it’s not just coz of the broken parts of you
that would drive you to the ridge
I thought of you on the Brooklyn bridge
as the ships passed in the night
and I took in every diamond light
of the city spread before me
I always thought you would adore me 
in the autumn of our days
but it’s like we’ve parted ways
and it was not amicably
you took the best of me
with you when you go
now I’m listening to punk rock on my own so
I can say you’re not really gone 
but it’s been so long
since I felt connected
to the tent you erected
in the middle of a field
when the breeze blows through and you yield
to all I might contain
I came down on you like a shower of rain
in the aftermath
now I just think of you when I take a bath
in the safety of alone
electronically away from my phone 
but you never fail to push through
the needle I’ve sown into the memory of you

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The great open awareness calls to me
Should I let it set me free
And am I beacon for the age
Do you hear it when you read it on a page
Coz I’ve always seen myself as a Nobel prize winner
But also as some kind of sinner
But I am shedding skin 
So I turn round and look at him 
And he’s just watering his plants
While I chop pomegranates and eat ants
And listen to Hozier through my earphones
If it was the first time he didn’t feel alone 
Would he have a space for me 
If I get famous and show him infinity 
And we’d kiss as the ash would burn 
Like a Wednesday that could never learn 
How to do exactly what it’s told 
I’d look into his eyes and my cards would fold 
Like that couple in the painted veil 
Why does my courage always fail 
When the winter pulls in the gate
And if I’m always late
Why am I so obsessed with time 
Something that could never be mine 
As it pours out the window 
It eats everything but awareness eats him though
Like death at the door
When it comes to take someone you love more
Than life itself 
And mental health 
Is just an excuse so I don’t have to face
The lack of her in her face 
When her spirit has passsed
Soared above all that had kept her fast
Tied to a body in form 
And though it may not be warm 
He soul is cracking embers 
I don’t know what it is that remembers
When the mind forgets 
It’s in the ocean and the sea begets 
All that reigns supreme
Don’t tell a grieving person it’s just a dream 

The shattering happened without me knowing
And I was only growing 
When she put the frightened on me 
So Jesus turned the brightness on me
As I sat in class, sweating bullets
There was a dream and something pull it
Down from where it lay like a veil over my eyes
And suddenly the disguise 
Had been rendered untrue 
And I could see myself as you
And do I forgive that “fucking bitch”
Who set the dogs on me like I was a witch 
It was as though the demons caught flight
And I was set alight 
In front of a room of peers
And the end nears
I can feel it like death on my coat
Has she come to gloat
Now that I am old and brought low 
Why does the fear of her never go
Like she had bought a piece of my soul 
And without it I can never be whole 
Now in the late summer of my life
I refuse to be someone’s wife
And have their child 
Because something wild
Screams at me to run
Everytime someone 
Gets anywhere near close
But somehow the ghost 
Of he just follows me like shadow
And I see us in the meadow
Are we twin flames 
Or just two never known names 
That spiral into their own crescendo 
And his innuendo 
Use to set my heart a-flutter
When he’d talk about how he’d melt like butter
On a summer’s day
But it wasn’t that way 
He just gave up what we were 
Then blamed me for the war 
That ensued 
Are you just a cool dude
That can never be touched
If you are, this thing is fucked 

The love that poisons me 
Is also the one that sets me free
And I can never be the equation
That you are so highly rating 
When you left me to the abyss
And the boy I’d love to kiss
Is somewhere far away
And that day
Is a picture in time 
And the reason and rhyme 
Of another force
Is just an amplitude for divorce
And they snapped the chains on me
Handcuffs they said I’d be
Grateful for in the future 
But the suture 
Just burns in the place they cut 
And he said I was in a rut 
When I’d left what had held me down
And no longer craved the white gown 
And the walk down the aisle 
It looked more like the green mile 
That some criminal would do 
In fear of what I’d lose in you 
So I just breathe 
And accept that I need
Something I can never have
And the feeling bad
Is just the price I pay
For loving an ancestor of Christ that way

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The doors opened and the light walked in 
And it was everything I ever thought of Him
Though the dragons seemed to know where I flew 
So they torched the home I thought I knew 
But then I found you
And everything cascaded into a perfect heartfelt sigh
And there is no goodbye 
In our arching back and wonderwild
I look into your eyes and the case is filed
Away for later
I know you date her
But I forgive the storm
Though I know she keeps you warm
And I wish her well
Though the pair of you put me through hell 
When you would defy 
The part of me that would not die 
In the vacuous of a desert storm 
If it’s the heat that keeps you warm 
Then why does it also burn my skin
Just thinking of her with him 
Makes my mind go mad
And he just thinks I am sad 
And lost in my own abyss
But then I see them kiss
From a fragment frozen in time 
That I came across down the line 
And like Juliet
It was too early seen unknown and known too late
And was it only because he was unavailable or barely so 
That I let the might in me go
And allowed myself to creep on his terrain 
Now it’s all rain
And I’ve exiled myself from that town 
Because all I see is a white gown
On her, on me 
On repeat infinitely
And I wonder do you have a child by now
And if that means something somehow 
That we will never get to be
She’s the world and I’m just me 

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I don’t spill my secrets to strangers at the bar
I just drive in my car
Waving to people that I might know
But I don’t know how to let you go
So I furrow away parts of myself
Then leave them on the shelf
For someone to see
It’s drinking whiskey internetly
As I slur my speech in the poem
And talk about how you roam
Fields afar
And that star
Looks just like you
What a night too
They’re all out twinkling light
And anyway I’m not alright
As they have to help me from my chair
As I reach back for what was there 
An eon ago
I walk away from this slow

They think that you’re just some face I used to know 
But that’s not how we go
In our immortal bond
And her and I abscond
Into an infinity 
As we put it on hold infinitely 
And he meets me at the gate
He didn’t make me wait 
But he pulled out like the sea
Til we’re far away from eternity 
But how does consciousness know
It cannot let go 
Until it tries
And no one really dies
They just change into a different form
When the body is no longer warm 
There is a heat of a different sky
A furnace that burns away the lie
And they talk about heaven and hell
But the difference between them is someone who wishes you well 
When you try to escape
I got superman’s cape 
And pretended I could fly 
But we all know the reason why 
And ashes fall from the fire 
As the people tire 
Of my kind of shit
But I think it’s just that they don’t understand it 
And I try to explain
It just makes it rain 
On the fields so green 
Are we all that has ever been
And they try to change the constitution 
For a reason that does not hold the solution
And I’ve lost faith in halls of power 
As the axis tower 
Over all it reigns 
And the blood stains
Are on all of our hands
And fuck it, the boy likes heavy metal bands
So let him just be as he is
But I wish I could seal it with a kiss

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The ripples of the Balrog comes up to catch me 
It was as though God did unlatch me 
From the dream 
But then the queen 
Decided she wouldn’t tolerate
My insurrection to equate 
Myself with being free
Free from the power she had over me 
So I rebel, rebel
And it’s hell, hell
Because the tendrils curl around my limbs
And I reach out for him 
He tells me I’m crazy
And though his words don’t faze me
I can’t deny they have weight
And serve to explain the hate
I seem to be lying under
Her thunder
Was the rumbling of my years 
And her tears
Were a flow I could not stem
I think it’s over but it floods again 
And I’m there with my boat and bucket 
Saying what the fuck, it 
Just will not do 
To try and follow the path of you
When my own feet have always felt so much more like home
And it was only together that we roam 
Not towing the line 
And saying I’m fine
With a smile 
Because I haven’t been for a while
Not since she departed this earth
I can’t explain the way it hurt
When I watched her body lie
On the bed about to die 
And I know she’s not there
She’s floating somewhere in the air
Above me
And I know she loves me
Still 
Because death cannot kill
The eternal 
I break then write about it in my journal 
And it was my salvation 
Not my looks, not my education 
Not the pews
Coz the bad news
Always filters through 
Even when you’ve prayed your little heart out, you 
Can’t stop the tide
And it beats the shore as long as its alive 
Like a heart in the chest 
Or a friend that knows me best 

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I sat on the couch and cried
It was as though someone had died
Coz she’s never coming back 
When she does she just attack 
Me for being what I am 
The door closes with a slam 
On my toes
And it’s like anything goes
Coz she needs her freedom 
More than she needs me to see them 
In a positive light 
But some of it is just shite 
Coz I can see though what you’re putting out 
And there may be self doubt 
But there is also a caustic fibre 
And I know that inside her
Something burns a fuse
Like it’s everything that she could lose
With one single breath of trust
And he is all lust
In her eyes 
Not the disguise 
That he wears 
As the fabric tears 
On eighteen
And the dream 
Is an insubstantial phantom that cannot contain
The sky when it starts to rain 
It must just surrender to the water 
And I to being a daughter 
Of what I didn’t decide
I wish I didn’t have to hide
Behind the folds of the sheets 
Every time we meet
In case she might know
The rose garden is where the thorns grow 

I died a death and it’s not something you can forget
So I’m not about to just let 
Someone dictate who I am 
All because there is a plan
We must fall into 
Like a lie of red and blue
When I am pristine
And totally outside the dream 
He’s got an iron fist
And wants to know the people that I’ve kissed
So he could trap me in a word
But it’s everything that I heard
In the nothingness that you are
And every star
Must learn to burn in the dark
Some kind of mix of dust and quarks 
That encapsulate a snare 
And just because I was not there
Doesn’t mean I didn’t care
About your road to peace
But it’s already ceased 
In me
And letting you go was being set free
From some kind of obligation
You just want to pull into the station
Every night like clockwork time 
But a good woman will never be mine 
I’m out to be beyond that trap
And I’m sure she will let you map
The avenues of her
As you paper over what we were 
I fail to give an adequate reply
I guess that’s how you know it’s goodbye

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I don’t get to call her a whore
Because feminism loves her more
And it would just be a slut shame
To mark her by that name 
But somehow I feel she sold out 
To paper over your doubt
And build a bridge with you
That she would stand on too 
And you are on the brink
Of what I daren’t think 
To be true
But I can’t be that for you 
Not anymore 
Every closed door 
Is an opening to something else 
And your mental health
May be a heavy weight
But I don’t give in to hate
Like the people sing
I believe in Martin Luther King
And what he said about a low down trope 
And I’m glad she helps you cope
Like your drug of choice
And you try to silence my voice
Because it is too much truth for you
You let me in, what do you want me to do
Just lie to you to keep you sweet
I saw you the day that we meet
And the garden burst into bloom
Like I was the only one in the room 
And we spoke some words
Like they were the only ones you’d ever heard 
And your eyes looked into the dream 
You know the one where I’d never been
And I feel you crawl over my skin
There’s tingles in the rhythm of sin 
And when I gaze into your eyes
You scrunch your nose in mock surprise
And I think “he just doesn’t get it” 
Then he tells me to forget it
Coz there’s no pay at the end of the day
Did you think I was gonna give it away? 

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Boiling the kettle sitting on the stove
All your eyes ever do is rove
Over the arches and around the bends
I close my heart and the message hits send
And it never gets past her gate
Because her love is born of hate
Or at least of fear
The arrow quivers when it gets near
To the point where it hits home
The target and I are all alone 
In the mists of what you can’t control
I didn’t ask for you heart, I didn’t ask for a soul
I just asked if it was okay to give you mine
And say that it’s you and I for all of a time
Is that a paradox
You’re the one who undid the locks 
Around the chains of me 
And the rains of sea 
Come to drown the land 
I know you think you understand 
But you’ve missed the crucial point
And that’s why your nose is out of joint 
In the articulate
Did you hear the click of the gate
When I walked out the door
Left the garden and what’s more
I condemned it to darkness again 
Until I can find the light in men 

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It was a dark night fairytale the day that we met 
And I cannot forget 
The ages and the eave runs 
It was by the light of a hundred thousand suns
That we were born
And then we were torn
I’ve been scared to revisit that time 
In case you might know my crime 
And I’ve been eviscerated
For the things I barely stated
Stunned into silence
By their violence
As I try to annunciate
All that caused me to run from that date
And the only solace I find
Is by expositioning the mind 
On a piece of paper
And I don’t hate her
But I don’t love her either 
Not the way the webs deceive her 
And cause her to lash out at me
Then tell me that I am free
To go my own way
What is it that they say
You don’t know it til you’ve lost it
And it was earnings but I didn’t cost it 

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