Idealism has me loving him Through the wings of a new song And I’ve only felt Sparsely that I belong In and out between the fear Catching hold of what I hold dear In the hopes that it won’t leave And it’s little that I don’t believe Coz it all pulses in my throat And are we post rote Learning now I sit upon the bough Of a leaning tree To watch the sunset fade in front of me And think it’s much like a life That doesn’t get to happen twice Unless you’re into that sort of thing A reincarnation into the skin that swim In the great ocean And I’ve always been emotion Trying to calm down But I walk on solid ground As my heart beats in my chest Trust in God and leave the rest
Watching as the train pulls in And I can’t help but think of him How he’d be there every Friday evening Gave me something to believe him And I left him to go walkabout In dreams of dread and self doubt When no one could ever see me there And I felt like no one care And then he died, just like that Take in a breath he can’t give back And I’m not even letting go Because it’s not the same as it used to be so I wear my armor strong and tight Chainmail you can’t set alight To let the stone sink down deep There’s something of his love I keep
Her love capsized my boat And do I love the one I quote As she urges me to get help But it feels a lot like butter to melt Near a furnace roar And I adore All that made me fail There is an ocean on which to sail With flags at full mast Nothing there that will last Coz they sell a dream you can’t reach And all I’ve learned just won’t teach That which isn’t true I learned the lie from you But I won’t go on repeating what’s wrong An error the basis for the whole song That you sing in your sleep But it’s a promise I cannot keep And I will not just follow the line That has me servant to the winds of time Though resistance is just another form Of hate to keep the body warm But I keep up with the beat Issuing from the holy heat Of a sun to burn I just sit back and the axis turn It’s not of my doing But who am I pursuing When I reach out to him And should I let him in Again, for one more go I didn’t think it would be real, you know
I know you don’t Mean to cause any harm But d’you know what she’d be With you on her arm And I can see the wasteland Desert too All because she Is alienated from you And the word never matches The thread never files We’ve neither of us Seen you in a while And I don’t know what words Have been put into your mouth But what’s coming through Is something I can’t doubt And we’re able to lift We’re able to marry We’re long past the age It would take it to carry And I know that embed Takes root in a dream And I don’t want to be Just what it may seem And I’m scared that I Will lose her by the coast She’s picking up sand And looks like a ghost And I can’t say that I Am anything new I fumble the rumble And don’t know what to do Coz I want to stand up To all that’s real and fresh It’s just that I Haven’t seen your equal yet And you’ve got trouble But it’s also pizazz I wouldn’t change you Just leave it as It already is As I stifle a sigh This is just love And a long goodbye Out in the ocean As dry as a cork Do you eat with your hands Or use a fork Cause we’re so civilized In the way that we hurt But our roots are in soil And they’re digging up dirt Like a lone Call into the wind I look up and The vane, it spinned
Is she trying to get away from the tide As the waves crash sand and abide And once they’ve broken there’s no way to put them together again And do you think the weather could be my friend As I watch the stormy sky rolling in over the bay I’ll be myself if that’s okay And it may not be the norm or anywhere close But I’m not lazy nor a frightened ghost I am the sea of submergence Looking down the avenue of divergence And you can’t clamber sandy hills And is this just a play of wills Or is it something more Because I simply do adore All the range of this freedom flying There’s nothing to stop the breeze from dying Down as it spills its soul Into the way the waters roll And in the evening you know the night Will take away all the light And the castles you built from the grains Are washed away by the rains And even the sun disdains To show its face across the plains
My irrepressible spirit I make noise so that you might hear it But it is in silence that it’s clear The sounds that are so near To nothing they barely exist And there are people I can’t resist As they move and sashay Why do you think he looked at me that way Am I just a free lover out to get my kicks Or is there something deeper to it As I share a moment held aloft And I find ways to dust myself off When I fail inevitably But I’m not one for the revelry My heart is all in my soul And it’s only my body getting old As I turn the thirties around Do you think I could find solid ground To be the earth beneath my feet Am I a delta where the waters meet And do you know exactly what you are I don’t so I rely on a star To shine like I think I do I don’t know what I see in you But it is unavoidably cool I just wanted to say that you rule! And she would have loved that the light that you shine I hope I can show her the moments you were mine Even if only for a very short time Now she is part of the light sublime And I talk to her in a candle flame And though it’s not the same I can feel her near to me And her irrepressibility She woulda loved to see me with you I always knew she wanted me to Find someone that feels just right I wonder if she hears me at night Talking about the ones I love Now that she is above And that she knows what it is to fly I sometimes reminded of the sky When I think of how freedom sounds And I know they are always around And I think I have found Solid ground so that another round Of cycles won’t pull me in And I was just in love with him Now it’s wearing off as I see Everything as divinity Everything clothed by the Creator’s hand It whispers that it’ll all be grand
He rushes into the wilderness of my soul I’m bound to him as I’m getting old Thinking his red could burn a patch Of straw in my roof of thatch And I just want him to know I haven’t stopped thinking about him, so Here goes nothing into the void You are more than one of the boys As you entertain With a love you throw out in vain But I catch it in my warm hands And I don’t know about those plans But I’d still be with you As the wife you want to Hold and get with child Can you love me and leave me wild Coz I spill the beans On the collective love of both our dreams As we pass like ships in the night Equipped with a fire to ignite
Did we leave some unfinished business in the air All I know is you answered a prayer I didn’t know was there When you came to me like a Godsend Is there anyway I can make amend For my run and flee Coz I didn’t think you should choose me To be your bride You looked at me in bed and I hide My face from you Coz I know you want to See me there And I feel your love and true care And your f_*king perfect hair As you just were there For me when everything escapes Like hot air out of the room that vapes Like there’s no tomorrow I’m the queen of longing sorrow That seems to catch in my breath As I look at you and I regret Never kissing your lips Could I be your last eclipse
There’s a monster in her There’s a monster in me And when the two clash It’s history In the making as we know Isn’t that the story of how every war go With someone to defend and someone to attack When you take me on we cannot go back Because I won’t let up til I see the sky And I know someday you’re gonna die Like I will and what will be left Nothing but all this broken delft To scream to the openness what we already know It’s time to feel the truth and let the pain go
To hide away my suicidal eyes In case anyone sees through my disguise Into what is really there I didn’t think anyone would care But they did and now it comes to pass That everything is first class Honours down the hall Jess built the brick wall That faced me when I fell down And I just had to leave that town For the open green grass of home The sacred water and the solid stone That you can build your house upon Or root down deep into the ground
The night comes to take all I have Is there a meaning in the feeling bad Is it time to crack the mud Reveal my inherent Buddhahood And the gold that lies within Does it matter that she’s with him And jealousy Has come to taint the skin of me Into all I swore I’d never be Are we just a vague history Of time that’s come to pass I never thought this thing would last But it did and here we are Driving solo in my car I wonder what it would be like if you were there If you’ve got some words I’d love you to share Them with my state of mind Did you leave this love behind Too Now she’s with you
I know you fled from the wolves And I love the way destiny pulls Til it leaves me in a female body With no man to pick the shoddy Drunken frame from the ground You were the music before I heard the sound But somehow it reached me from afar I drive around in my car Wondering where I lost my home And you are somewhere all alone With your wife and kid I saw their reflections so I hid In the long grass to stare Because the one I love is there
After the fact they remember the flaw In the heat the ice thaw But they can’t go back to the previous page And all the blood spilled like ink on the page Writes a story of pain It’s falling from the sky like acid rain To peel the paint It’s overwhelming and I faint Coz I just can’t carry the weight of sin But it happened again when I met him Like everything obliterate Except love in a holy state To hold you like a balm How the hell am I so calm When Heaven beckons with its lure And you say that I am pure But these past few years Have torn me asunder with the weight of tears As I give in to a darkened world That attempts to kill the girl In me and make the woman role Replace the sacredness of my soul But my heart will never beat in that direction Go find someone else to be the reflection Of all you need in female eyes I am the master of my own disguise
I open up and the love Pours through like a season real But it’s like my soul is a steal And everyone’s vying for the highest bid So I found a cavern and hid And some call it the activity room I call it the shelter from doom As they discuss my mental state I could tell them off but it’ll have to wait Coz at that time they had all the power And I was a princess trapped in a tower By a horrible man And I can Only hold my head up high Because the spirit in me is not gonna die Or get broken in, wild horse on the loose You won’t lead me to the noose With your talk me down farewells And your sympathy with some kind of hell You have constructed I had it all and you think I fucked it up But I was just waiting for a more peaceful plain For the phoenix in me to rise again
So we can f*(* If we’re together I say yes but the weather Always seems to change when you’re around And I don’t make a sound But I feel submerged When you’re on the verge Of telling me Just who you are And that star You keep wishing upon Will someday be gone Do you not feel the eternal light And I know you’re gonna be alright With the girl you drill And I never will Be to you what she is I look at the sadness on the face that his As he sees a child Somewhere in the scene so wild But I cannot give you that Create something you can’t take back Into a world that’s born Everyday with a new storm I need to be free To leave it all to destiny And do I just hamper the change Reaffirm that you’re strange But sultry as hell Anyway I wish you well In the myriad of shapes Love makes as it escapes The room like air I loved you, babe, I was there
The day the earth shook It moved with the breath I took Drew the air into my lungs And it’s as though my body weighs a thousand tonnes Coz I can’t see the ocean, I can only be it And I love you though I don’t know if you see it And I stand back so that you know I’m really there and so I mean it when I say I won’t forget Though you haven’t shown me yet The secrets you hold in a memory garden And I got lost on the scene but it was all jargon I made my way through the tide Only to double back and hide But I spilt the beans in messenger Set myself up as an enemy to her And I would never want to inspire The kind of hate that would set the world on fire I just wanna be a presence kind Though it’s a weight on your mind As I entice you like a scent And I dunno where the kindness went As I proclaim my innocence But I can’t keep my grimacing Away from watching eyes And you are all cries Of danger on the front And you are a bit blunt When I threaten your position I’ve got it laid out like Early Edition And I can’t keep the news from the front page The drama of the man I save From death’s door And I couldn’t have loved you more Than to give my life for a friend I just pray this isn’t the end That there’s a twist in the plot And I don’t have to act like someone I’m not Just to garner a little light I bet on you knowing the fight I got through to be right here On your doorstep or sorta near Near enough to say I love you, is that okay And I tremble a little at the truth But I’m almost through with youth And I can’t let this get away C’mon, babe, what do you say And your hair falls in your eyes But it is a mute disguise As you let the storm just cease Bless me with blessed release Enough to know and let you go I lost the fog in the snow
The ripping pain, the brutality Of him taken away from me Too soon And forever I know that I will never Love a love like you Knowing that you loved me too In our forest dreams And shaking tremors It’s not everyone that remembers The light hue Of your eyes on mine And, my Lord, how they shine When you’re engaged in conversation And my elation That you’re talking to me Why does nobody see That they got it right I live by your candlelight And into the summer Down by the lake How do I forsake What could’ve been They say love is only a dream But they never felt your hand Grasping mine so tight Whispering that we’ll be alright Through the years And many tears Have fallen I’m still all in Though it breaks my heart And ending before it will start To be revealed for all it is A moment in time and I am His
You can fight to stay off the thing But once you’re in You’re kind of dependent And there is no defendant In the trial of my life I’m not alright As I stumble into the room Here, take this, it will ease the doom But it doesn’t, it just makes me unwell And increases the feel of hell That is raining on my skull Someone said the pain would dull But I can still feel it beat beneath the sedation Should someone give me some remuneration For the life I slept away Drowsy every single day And my little cousin would come to wake me at two I tried my best to get up for you And smile and joke and play around But there is a monumental sound That pulses as the earth quake And I can’t shake The feeling that I’m meant to be something other Loss at the hands of my brother As he shoots an arrow straight through my heart One strike and the bleeding start And they try to stem the flow With aspirin like they don’t know The opposite is the cure Maybe I am too pure For this situation And my education Won’t absolve me from my sins It seems the doctor wins (S)he who knows how to prescribe Something to keep me alive In the darkest of nights How do I tell them that I am alright When I can’t even speak The rispiridone makes my tongue weak And I get called out for my drunken tone Why don’t you just leave me the fuck alone I wouldn’t be doing this if there was a choice But I lose the power of my voice At the will of those who have the say I thought to brighten someone’s day
You knock me down And stare at my corpse on the ground Until it blinks itself back to life You kind of look like somebody’s wife All suppressed and mad Silent rage and very sad Do you get a kick out of this kind of thing The power games and broken wings “You refilled on August 22 That means I can’t give you Anything for another ten days” But I kind of need it, it can’t really wait I’m almost out and the kind of state I get into when there’s a fluctuation Is not any kind of iteration That anyone wants to see “But it’s not up to me” ~You won’t move my ground~ I feel as I push and she don’t make a sound Heavy like earth And bedded down in the hurt She has inflicted centuries ago I can see your past lives, if you didn’t know And passive aggression Authority without question Is what rules your sign I can only be grateful your life isn’t mine I feel the hatred fill the room As the incompetent b1t(h Turns me into a kind of witch And I pound down the street with all the slurs Attacking the name that’s hers I watch my mind and my emotions swirl Then someone lambasts me for being a girl And my car won’t start And a broken heart Comes crashing in I didn’t mean to let it win But it’s so hard to fight When my kryptonite Lives in my soul It’s the best of the tide as the waves roll Against the shore And what’s more Is I want to make a complaint But who do I paint For triggering a wound And gross negligence when it comes to doom I don’t think they have a box to put a suggestion And I’ve always loved the pharmacy in question With its open plan And airy feel that teenage me can Search for presents at Christmas time Bubble baths and things sublime Now I’m standing at a counter trying to reason With a woman who don’t know the season Of time and circumspect I can feel her reject My diagnosis and fear That it would ever touch her, the dear I’m bitter I know And I should just let it go It only happened two hours ago And I seethe Would I leave someone in need But it’s more than that It’s the look she won’t take back With her pen I won’t be calling to her again Though I doubt she cares For who dares Question a professional soul And my begging bowl Is sharply removed When I see the groove She wears in the wood A reminder that not everyone is good And fair and even And some people even view leaving As a kind of sin But when I looked at him I forgave the world You can keep your till, I’ll keep the pearl
***Trigger Warning*** Grief and Mental/Emotional Health
The shame as I cry in my bed Wishing that I was also dead Because the ripping pain sears Separation and the years I have to go to see You and I eternity In some kind of heavenly realm A kingdom where I see you again And the nights I resist Just prove to me that you exist Somewhere in some sphere of time I can’t speak so I write and rhyme All the stuff I can’t resolve Is grief a problem to solve Or is it the proof that you were here A memory I hold dear And a cracked windowscreen that says You can count your numbered days
The gaslight anthem He burns me down Acting just like He owns this town To invalidate And put me in an altered state Where no one believes Anything that she conceives Of And love Goes by the wayside But I abide In the constant pose Of being the one the Lord chose To do works by his hand And I am grand Just spinning notes Based on the heroes that she quotes As forbearers of the light I think humanity might be alright In spite Of the evidence to the contrary And the tooth fairy Can’t buy me back Because I lack That particular function And at the junction I take a hard right Zen it up, alright
Were we supposed to find this Among all the blood, sweat and tears The things we’ve fought through After all these years And you’re somewhere unknown to me But somehow I still see With my heart instead of eyes this time You’re the reason I thought to rhyme Among all the confusion They say it’s my delusion But you’re there like a holy drop of water And I can’t forget the truth that has caught her In the soul As the waves roll To the beat of who you are And I wish upon the star That we all lie under The perfect thunder To shake the ground You had me at hello and love abound And without a sound I take your hand Though it wrinkles and the sand Slips through the hourglass What is it that last In you and I This love will never die
It’s as if her disgust Could curdle milk As my voice Soft as silk Tries to explain Why it is always Acid rain In these parts And in my heart of hearts I know I won’t be free Til she has released Her control of me Like broken fingers And mud slingers Trying to explain the dawn She’s obsessed with a world Where I am gone And I feel every minutiae Of time spent wrong How my song Became mangled and bruised I’m just a girl that destiny used To do its works But, my God, it hurts Like a bitch And you say I’m the witch?
He caused me inescapable pain It was like the Heavens opened and let out the rain And I’m thrashing in this field of grass Trying to find something that will last And he just laughs And sashays I’m over his games And his power plays As he tries to pin me down To a point But I’ve got heart So go roll your joint To make up for whatever you can never reach And I’m not here to whine and beseech But stand up to you In your confident glare I know how it was Because I was there And I felt every moment And read all the signs But I wouldn’t do it again Not for diamond mines Outside of the forest Where we used to live You ask for my love But I’ve got to forgive You for your weary rap at my door I couldn’t have cared less any more As you tell me your secrets And share your light But it’s long past gone And it’s not alright And you’re choosy but honest As you sing the blues I’m level headed and laid back And walk my own shoes But I take them off Before I enter the temple Bow my head, so reverential And you take off your cap And hold it in your hands I’ll not acquiesce to your demands But bloom within a summer song Though it’s been winter all along And the years of young are wearing thin Pining over what could have been But what is is all that exists And I see the sky clear Through the mists The one and all The few, the many If you’re looking for hatred There isn’t any Only a garden Behind a wall I thought that I knew But I didn’t at all
I have to love the man who saved my life He took a breath and breathed in the light And it’s textbook case, wanna be a wife But I don’t know if that’s alright Coz he showed me summer He showed me seasons He gave me love I gave him reasons And we both learned to multiply And, you know, never say die As the ache it comes in waves He’s Superman, it’s days he saves And I can’t ignite with anyone else He showed me trauma and mental health And I showed him strong and how to bear The music when the fabric tear And it’s oft the season to be making waves I’ve written him down on page upon page But I never come close to really say He is my love, is that okay Even if we are miles apart He made the unquenchable start Like the Divine made into form I’m kept ‘neath a coat that is warm Even on those freezing winter nights He speaks a word and my heart ignites To burn enough to keep the dark away From the place by the trees where we stay
The end of the self The machine spins It’s a losing game Coz nobody wins And they can call it samsara Or the play of maya It’s like talking to mountains As they defy ya And I swore I was something I wouldn’t believe In anything less Than what’s up my sleeve But it all came to naught And the harder I fight The more I’m entrapped And I ignite These vines That seem to snap But I’m for the losing My way on the map Oh, planetary Don’t you see All the cosmos Revolves around me And I must blaze Into a storm A unique kind of sun To keep the world warm And if I could burn I would be the heat That fuels fate As opposites meet On a day on the grass Can you make it last Or do I just relegate It to the past
I’d rather die on my feet Than live on my knees And what in God’s name Have I been doing just to please Everyone, it’s a joke I lose it all then go for broke And it seems I’ve gotta save myself Coz I can’t rely on anyone else Coz you tell ‘em the truth They bust it like a secret And there’s no promise I make if I can’t keep it And I’ve got stars in my soul But I’ve been living like I’m a black hole Drawing light into the dark I hit the ball like I’m in a park But I never strike out I always get it like it’s never been in doubt But I can’t wear these colours no more My feet walk up to the door And rap a tap I know he can hear I’m still for you, my dear
I feel oceans of waves in the place where I lie I wonder what it is to die And go back home to all of your folks Where everyone’s laughing and cracking jokes And here I am at thirty two With a lifetime to go til I see you And you passed just like a breeze, gentle and true But I still feel like I’m here with you Like your arm caresses the hold of me And you’re so full of truth, I’m bold to see Everything that could be in magnificent dance I think God gave me a second chance To be true and real, heartfelt and honest And if you’re looking for steady then you can count on it Coz why don’t I cry when I stand by your grave And you were someone I couldn’t save But I only felt joy abound As if you were listening to the resident sound The peace of that moment there with you I loved you strong like you wanted me to Yet all I’m told is it’s not my time But one day it will be and relief will be mine Coz I go on laboring in this crazy world I’m the awareness that sees there is a girl Or a young woman how do you say I don’t want the pain to go away Coz it reminds me of all the times we shared The look in your eyes, the way that you cared And it’s as though a hole has been torn Into the fabric that keeps me warm And I just wish for Heaven like they say Not scared of everything that goes away But open and fresh with two eyes for seeing I don’t think they know what it is they are freeing As they monitor me for any solution As if they can tell what’s my convolution But I just see the universe in them Every time they ask me a question again But they can trust in what I’m built with You won’t find me lying in a ditch But offering it up for all to see To be born again is my destiny
I’m waiting in Longford town To see if you’re free to be around And I know it’s a futile endeavor Rachel says that it will never Happen to me, at least not with you Or at least not now and that’s all well to do But sometimes I feel you scorching my soul Heave with the ocean as the waves roll And the thunderclouds clap All of my ideas off the map As I write the essence of you In plurals and mosaics split in two And I wonder what are we What is the difference between me and she And she looks pretty fine And if I was a guy I could call her mine But you, oh, effortless you Are just like the window that I see through And delineate Draw it up, then call it fate As I awaken inside To all the love that just abide And bursts through I want you to know I’m thinking of you
My future regret Comes in days that haven’t happened yet And I feel guilt Like a blade broken at the hilt For all my sorrows and all my sins The near misses and the almost wins As I try to fight my true nature Hitting like a meteor into a crater And leaving a mess all around I’m silent but you hear the sound Of everything Of a bird on the wing That seems to soar Do you want something more Than what you’ve always had It’s stereotypical, this feeling bad Like dread is a mountain I meet in my sleep And broken promises are all that I keep Close to me as I lie on my pillow Bending the truth like it’s a weeping willow Just to measure up Please, Lord, take away this cup But the present moment ever is And this life is only His In His majesty Just don’t wave a red flag at me
I can see the craters on the moon And that’s better than leaving way too soon Coz the midnight knows my name And I play piano like it’s a game And stress everybody out With my errant doubt And all that I do without I silently scream instead of shout And they never understand All the monuments I have planned To my underscore I have less that’s wanting more In the dewy air All the absent answered prayers As I call out to the sky Say I’m not afraid to die But is that wishing for the scorch Instead of white picket fences and a front porch And I try to explain About precipitation when it’s pouring rain And I do it once more Knock on every open door To file away Check on me if I don’t smile today
The non spectacular nature of Now Is something that makes me weak somehow As I stare at the trees They remind me to get up off my knees And stand in the shine that is the sun Like God is calling and I am the one Who must walk the path of being still And many things change, this never will As the ochre of sunsets burn in your eyes And there is a love that never dies I found it on the green of the room Across from the front hall and I attune To the sound of Heaven’s bells As they call out to me amid ne’er do wells And I’m walking down paces on the avenues I’m all red as they play the blues In summertime or winter cold I’m frozen at the age of not getting old
Don’t you know that I feared ya Coz you smashed the windowpane that seared ya And you hit me with a shard of glass And she sits beside me in class Like nobody’s business When’s she gonna confess That what she did was wrong And I found myself in a song But the melody ain’t quite right And all we do is fight Trying to get our points across But I let her go and feel the loss But steady my frayed nerves As she just sits there and observes And contemplates our various states As my heart stands by and waits But it won’t hold this any longer I’m older now and I’m stronger As I spend some time in an institution But you know it’s no solution Coz they just file my fax And I just think of what I can’t get back As you’re silent all the years And I try to hide my tears From your unwavering glare And I know it hurts coz I was there As you solid stone And suddenly I’m all alone In all this company I won’t let you get the best of me So I move away and feint It’s in my own colours that I paint And you can’t tear my picture down As if you don’t want it around Learning to let go of false hits The past is over so don’t switch For what you’ll never get back You lost my trust in a flash
They did the best they knew how And every single moment’s the Now Or did you notice, it’s just a dream This world of concepts and it’s always been As the wind blows though Do you feel the breath of God on you And what is a name The depths of the reverent do not change No matter what you choose to call it And I’m afraid I have to admit I’ve been attached to my own religion But too much thought makes anything a prison And I see the light breaking through It’s shining on a scene so new And you could call it space or another dimension It’s what exists when you do not mention What you think it could be I opened my eyes and so I see But the function of vision is beyond comprehension So much more than human invention As we perceive Then make fortresses to what we believe Do you think we could just let go Of the castles of sand we build in the snow And the rains come without delay You can protest as they wash it away But it won’t do you any good Better seek out refuge from the flood But it’s just a new dawn And what’s in the river isn’t really gone Only reborn and delivered anew Have faith and trust in the peace in You
Your future is your twenties when you’re in your teens And everything is like the stuff of dreams But the gauzy film real has gone away Now that I’ve hit my thirties and okay I’m trying to make sense of what they expect of me Following a certain trajectory And it was fine when freedom was all I knew Now there’s a new part of the equation, that’s you And what do I build on and who do I try To tell you the truth you’re a pretty swell guy But I don’t know if I roll with the seasons Losing leaves and reasons To understand how we got to this point I get offended while you roll a joint And we make up what has driven us apart I know that the both of us are full of heart It’s just the smoke and mirrors of life Have me wondering what’s it like to be wife And have an alarm clock at the side of your bed Wake up to everything they’ve said And know when you say it what you really mean You don’t have to be married to be a queen But I think I’d like to interlock My fingers with yours and tie the knot And let all the pressure go slack But I dunno if you want me back In the evenings, in the dawn, in the twilight I’d like to kick it with you, alright?
A ten year hiatus into the dark I used to live beside Nutgrove Park In the years when I studied the earth And designed to help to ease the hurt And Tessa and Jen were really great friends They never seemed to notice my split ends And I think of them now and then And wish I could be back in that place again Where freedom knew my name and played its part And I rediscovered that I’m all heart In the meadows as the heat unfurl And I am just a normal girl With a dream of the sky And I don’t know why I keep seeing a new born day Where everything is okay Where the pain all goes away And the peace comes to stay But I went off my meds or at least I tried They came back to me in the times I cried And my cheeks are stained from the tears that dried And I dunno or so I sighed And the unforgiven grows in me Is there something I don’t see In all this morass I was the best in class But I never seemed able to make come true The dream I have of me and you And my spirit soars when I hear the truth Stand up like the beauty of youth And maybe someday I’ll get to be Someone who will make history With her eyes Seeing through the lies Into a refrain Where there is no gain Only love in all its glory The past is only part of the story And shattered glass can’t be remade But you can melt it down and it’s saved Like all of us will come to see The liberation of dignity As we release and rely Though we don’t know why And it’s been years since I felt whole Where everything uttered itself to my soul In wilderness But who do I address If I say I want it back Instead of these shelves I stack How do I reverberate And find myself back in that state Where all is one We are all just issuances of the sun And I was fearless in those days All I don’t care what anyone says As I grow up and mature The evidence of the pure
I can feel it rising like a storm in me Everything abides to its own decree And it is a fictitious entity Trying to control my destiny And it moves and sways And always wants it’s own way In selfishness Or things I don’t want to address Like a broken toe Always hurting wherever you go Then blames the scene But something wakes to stir the dream And open what’s closed No longer running like a frightened ghost Into the sea The ocean has waves but there’s more to me Than just surface tension No longer afraid of what we dare not mention To the sky I didn’t grow up just to die But be born again The time is Now so that’s when
I got named as a psychiatric state All because I couldn’t wait To see what life held behind the curtain And I’d be lying if I said I was hurting Cause there is beauty in the extreme And this life might be someone else’s dream And saying as such earned me a degree I’m certified as what you see But do their words have any meaning Or is it all just a great seeming As they note their pads full of ink But I don’t believe what they think As I absorb the constellations And disregard their iterations And I know how I ended up here I just don’t think I’ll tell you, dear As you compassionate the signs And I laugh because the designs Won’t be held by a human hand If you weren’t listening I said I was grand And, sure, some thoughts came into my head But I’m the same person that walks to dread I’m the same one who wakes in the morning And just because the sky’s a storming Doesn’t mean there’s no expanse beyond I reach what you teach like a bleach blonde
He made me feel human again And helped me to remember when Before I was a mental case And I loved that look upon his face And is it so wrong to search for a muse And if I could, you would be the one I’d chose As you want me to be well You care and I can tell As you wish my trouble away And you get too close so I cannot stay Though your eyes are something I engender The way you lit up my grey defender The one who seeks to control And grip the freedom of my soul But you just laugh and blink your eyes And I know longer want to hide But sit inside your warm embrace You’re pretty, I love your face
I can feel the panic on each TV station The madness and the conflagration As they all compete to get heard But do you hear the bird Diamond cheep with the air Beneath its wings as it flies in there And it’s everywhere that is sky I don’t think they mean to lie But it’s like an endless repetition Trying to get the first edition Of tomorrow before the dawn Where has the present moment gone? If it’s like a competition And you’re fighting but you’re a Christian Do you think the love of God means that? And I see my own war as I balk at what they’re at Am I any different in truth? Have I lived the promise of my youth Or do I just see an enemy Trying to get the best of me Where did brotherhood go Or being a sister in the know I think the silence will tell All of the secrets they keep so well But I see it in myself It starts with you now the cards have been dealt And it’s up to the sunlight to show the dawn I know it might be hidden but it isn’t gone The peace beneath the waves The ground under what is paved Do you know who you are? Or do you just make a black hole out of a star? As the constellations show their age Light years away from the war we wage Do you think it means aught to the sky We’re born, we live and then we die What is permanent Could you say the Truth is an event? Or is it more like a scene That wakes as we live the dream Thinking it’s our own creation The defeat and the elation Just polarities And does it matter who disagrees If we’ve invested thought With the rhythm of the schism we’ve bought But are you caught Let go and become all that you’ve sought And when the night arrives Be content with what survives Each and every dusk I let go the weight and I just trust
Don’t worry, I’m still prescribed to the hilt And the flower has started to wilt So there’s no danger that the season destroy When a girl wants a boy And fifty years just burn down And I’m stuck in the same old town I’ve always been You burst the bubble like a dream And I can’t get out So to hell with doubt As she cloys up a candle And tells me that I’m hard to handle When she dobbed me in Like I should be punished for her sin And she cries into my face So much for the human race If this is what we’re dealing with And she’s high class and full of it To make the midnight breed a dawn But I’ll be happier when it’s all gone And not long now, I wait For love to obliterate All that I’ve come to know Your holding on lets me go And there’s a place your chains don’t reach It’s as though you came to teach Me your blank sound I’m out if you’re around
It’s like she’s giving away her cocaine secret She’s had her cake but can she eat it? And if she can’t then what’s the point She pains a look, he rolls a joint Up into a little ball Swear that he can’t hear the call Of forever as ever an ocean away Do you believe everything he say Or do you discern a sudden lilt In his voice as the inflection tilt The whole world on its axis Do you still pay your taxes Or are you running from the law Wait until the ice thaw On your favorite spring melt I had to tell you how I felt
We stole our yin and yang From each other and the bell rang To signal the end of class It’s time for us to kick ass In our summer clothes He runs with the heathens, God knows And I fight with the wind Obsessed with the way I’ve sinned And I think maybe I lie When I say I want to die Coz the water won’t force its way down my throat And no matter what I do hope float And they’re all lions who eat me for dinner If you bet on me you’re onto a winner Coz I’ve got a glass of wine in one hand And the other held out to understand And they say I’m wrong and going to hell So it’s a secret I never tell As they lock me up, high and dry All because I want to try To seek the seasons in my skin Winter is cold and it won’t let me in
Éanna’s sorry for the things that he said But it’s not as though they chased me to bed As I took that fateful step one night in my room Everything disappeared and was replaced by doom And it wasn’t his words that made the lightning crack Though it was long ago he can’t take them back It was something that someone said about weird And it was as though everything was exactly as I feared And I walked on Though the world is already gone In flagrant tones Who do I blame for the videophones Dictating our lives The past rushes onwards but doesn’t survive Now it’s years later And an apology as you tip the waiter Éanna’s sorry, he said it to me that time When we were all lifted up in the moment sublime Éanna’s sorry, I fear I’ve got to give up on this, dear The grievance I hold The story I’ve told And forgiveness and letting go Of the hurt that resides in my heart so Éanna’s sorry and I Let it go and try To be here This moment’s all you ever have, dear He’s sorry and I see my whole life Bundled up in the story I told of strife And the hard shell Of all too well Is letting me go Éanna’s sorry, I know Was it bluster and show As he called me out and threw a line There’s nothing that’s not replaced by time As I try and fail to think of something to say I nod and just let it be okay That the break of day might come after this night That there is a place that I am alright Éanna’s sorry, just see He’s looking to me For forgiveness and exude His old attitude Do I hold it against him for the rest of time Do I turn away or just say I’m fine Éanna’s sorry and real Is the way that I feel To know that the age Is a drawing on page In another form Do I accept the end of the storm? Or stay with the pain The standing out in the pouring rain The years in the hollow The people I follow He’s sorry and it’s as though if I Forget that I ever break down and cry Alone, in my room With nobody knocking or coming soon Éanna’s sorry and life Has let go of strife And hugged me close With the power of what I love the most In gentle tones You’re not alone And people care Nonchalant is just something they wear Until the time the heart will show I’m all about love so I let you know That we’re cool, we’re alright I guess this marks the end of the fight
It’s not my fault that I couldn’t measure up to sky I can only read the reasons as they play out in your eye And your forest looks so lonely but it’s where I want to be The moment that you choose the one to want, it’s me And the seasaw was so scary as it monument the place I could only feel the air as I’m running through open space That’s what it is to be three and terrified It was years til the reason came to be described And I’m done with all my fighting, all my warring to be first And I’ve tried a million times and still it’s not rehearsed Just something new that springs from within every time And I can’t find an answer so I learned to make it rhyme And they leave it by the shore coz they know that I’ll be there And I’ve always loved the colour of my deep dark brown hair As it frames a face that I didn’t pick And a mind so sharp it could leave a nick And the awesome’s only sometimes as I’m balling rope and twine I don’t know if when they ask they know that I’ll be fine Coz I don’t have a clue why there’s pain beneath my chest And you were always the one I thought knew me best But it’s been years since we’ve talked and longer since the confide I just have to be happy that we still abide And stay stellar in the vision of each other’s hearts to hold This story’s long and winding but it never has been told As you star into the camera with that look of errant pain And I fall down on knees and beg you once again To heal the bridge between us so we can converse Not sit like we’ve been hit and the storm’s just getting worse And I wonder if you read this what would you say and do Would you see the colossal that I’ve made of you Like a bird to soar unbidden and unbound Is my soul inside when you are around And I’ve got to come to terms with the fact that you’ve been gone And I can only hide my true feelings for so long And you must come to see what’s always been in plain sight Me sailing a ship and you in full flight And I can only ask you sometimes what you mean to me Coz you’re quick with your wit and it has a grip that’s free As the awning, as the chasm, as the deep black hole Makes manifest a life that dips as the waves roll And if you ever need somebody, a friend to call your name You can give me a buzz because I’m still the same And the only thing that’s changed is scenery I describe In the years that I meander still full and alive And I always thought that childhood was the land of colour The adults seemed to inhabit somewhere rather duller But now I’m thirty one on the brink of another age And it’s all that I can do to rifle through a page And find what I’ve been needing in a wrinkle or a tome Instead of standing on the strand and clicking home To never find the answer just the longing that sears And the moment of honesty, precise as the time nears To spill all my secrets like ink upon the floor I let you go in love but I just want you more And the monuments you build to another time Only spell out the reason how you must be mine Though we are nothing more than a trickle through the wall I can feel the flood behind it pushing through it all To come out with sudden strength and let the secrets go The dawn of a new earth as I let the river flow
To find that she doesn’t slake the lust Lost in cobwebs of broken trust And you look at me with a sigh Coz you just want me to die In the bed I’ve made for myself And blame the tragedy on poor mental health So you are free to do as you wish And never is our first kiss To quell the storm Do you keep a body warm When you’re lost in pain In agony and the rain Clatters against the window But no Cathy to let her in though As I quote a novel from centuries ago Healthcliff was kinda mean though Though the eternal rocks beneath Resemble the pavement that make up the street And concrete boots as I walk to you Would you wear another’s shoe Just so you could find a mile Leads you to break a smile As you see a new dawn In a place where the person’s gone
All these people who kill my vibe Does death even know that I’m alive And they stuck a knife in me from the back I really wasn’t ready for the attack From my nearest and dearest and friends who are foes And it’s all rebel business and anything goes As we arm up for a showdown But I’m short on food so I’ll head into town And sweat bullets down the aisle Cue me on time to smile When the moment requires Do you see all these grapevine fires Lighting me up It kinda caught on, this burning love
I grew up with dark Catholicism It cast a shadow wherever it looked Like you’re on trial and your place is booked In a sea of unforgiveness And he who must not be named But if it’s all the same I shirk the cloak from my shoulder And the boulder I’ve been rolling up this hill Is let go of and time to kill Is now The Great Release, somehow And the devil hatches plots While the authorities play slots And cast lots For his clothes But everybody knows Jesus will triumph and Jesus is King But where were You when I lost everything “I carried you, child” And I used to be wild Now I’m merely mild And meek and humble But do you hear destiny rumble With the full force of design I opened my eyes And the Prince was mine
Shuffling papers on a desk You look at me and the dream is wrecked Coz it can’t touch my essence, my soul But the waves of mind continue to roll And I told Dr. Power, by hook or by crook I’m not taking those meds, I don’t give a fuck But he won that particular battle of wills He’s got all the backup and psychiatric skills And a threat in the undertone to air You’ve got ninety days to get outta there Or you’ll be displaced Into a quieter room of distaste And I fear ECT Though I’m told that “treatment” isn’t for me I see Teresa’s blank eyes after the procedure And I wonder what lies do they feed her To gain her consent Though I’m told that’s not the way it all went As seizures are a mystic’s disease One I partake of, I fell to my knees Some years hence I told him but he’s still a little dense Epilepsy, We’ll scan your brain so we can see If that’s why you’re weird (we mean, unwell) I tell them they can go to hell If they’re not in it already And I am rock steady As I stand on the step of room sixteen What does it mean if I break forth a scene And Shauna’s eyes and her wrists Til I realise why a place like this exists To house the mentally ill But it’s emotional pain that’s more likely to kill And I see it etched on arms Hear the bells of false alarms Continue to ring And they think I’m down and everything As I get so thin coz I cannot eat But it’s not for the want of a maker to meet It’s coz I can’t keep it down I feel like retching when I hear the sound Of the end of the Earth Like a needle to dial, this ain’t gonna hurt So I give in Let them win My friends, my foes And my family, God knows Isn’t ready for this When I picked a pair of lips to kiss And marry a soul It’s only luck if you get old
They’re trying to explain the music But could you say that you choose it When you hear a flair drum kick And the words that they just play with As it’s birthed into existence Cutting through the layers of resistance And a moment you’re quiet then you’re all rock Living through what they say you’re not As the teenage in you grows strong And everything is just so wrong Why the hell don’t I belong But I’m alive when I hear that song And they can call me what they like I’m okay but I’m not alright Coz this rhythm’s the beat The waters and the sands meet
The Poetry Book 