Tag: worry

The Fluctuation

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The fluctuation hit me like a ton of bricks 
And now I am in bits 
As she sails to another sea
Never knowing the weather she visited on me
And it’s like a plume
You can tell it’s been in the room
Because there is a fume
That wafts
And you could say she’s daft
But it’s more than that
She’s caught in a wave she can’t take back
As she bullets into the sky
And I wonder if I would’ve died
If I’d met her on the road
Because she never slowed
In her speech 
And she is out of reach
As I extend 
The part of me that would mend
A sensory organ
But I can’t get a word in
As it rocks us back and forth
And the worst part of a divorce
Is you never see that person again
Not in the same way, not women and men
I wish her well
Because I know the hell
She is living in
I also know that I cannot win
When that’s in control
God bless her and ease her soul
As it beats against the cage it’s kept in
I wonder does she know Him
In her darkest day
All the same I wouldn’t want to get in her way
When she’s on the wrong side of the beach
I think it’s the lesson she came to teach

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The Birth Of Fear And Suspicion

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The darkness of the night is very near
And it was an education in fear
When they taught me about the man in black
And that I must be wary of an attack
I still remember the moment it made an impact
Cut to the future and I jacked
When I saw that same abyss again 
And instead of a god, it was men
And I ran and ran 
Because only the truth can
Catch up to me
And the scenery is no match for me
As I turn a blind eye
On what it is to die 
In the midnight of the day
And they tell me it’s okay
I ask the doctor if the devil is real
Because hell is sure what I feel 
When I’m looking in the mirror
And I barely hear her
When she say that she don’t know
She says she’ll help me though
And she’s from India so 
I trust in where this is gonna go 

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A War Of Wills

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Me and Power had a war of wills 
And he flexed his skills 
In my direction 
But my selection 
Is to reside where I’ve always been 
And sit in the seat of a goddess or queen 
Somewhere in the avenue of soul 
I wander the grounds and I just roll
With the wave they want to crash
I’ve had better nights on the lash 
As he forces a pill into my hand 
Like he could inopportune the ocean with sand 
And he draws waifs on the beach
And comes to teach 
Me about the dragons that breathe fire
On the weak and never tire 
To seek out souls to ravage and dement 
He doesn’t realise I never went 
Away but to come again 
And I am not afraid of men 
Or of beasts that gnaw
What’s trembling me is the great thaw
As it steals aspects of my glacier 
I am the North Pole and I need ya 
To stem the flow of climate change
But I feel the days get strange 
As I see the ferocious that eats her 
And I know it wants to delete her
And she senses it too 
She’s not mad, she’s just looking into
The abyss and it’s looking back 
I look at the jenga I stack
And I know this house is gonna fall
And I’m not up for playing hard ball
With someone who thinks he knows
Why the woman is on the road 
I just flash him a glance
I think he knows there’s no second chance 

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Problematic

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There is a map of the problematic 
And there are people at it 
Again as I close the door
Because I don’t want to hear any more
And does that make me cold or aloof
Because I need the proof 
Of what I have come to be 
When you meddle with a river set free
You will be flush with water
And they can say I am haughtier 
Than I’ve ever been 
But I stand outside the dream 
And just watch 
Everyone burning down the clock 
Saying that they have fun 
But I see the end and it is one
With the present moment scent 
I don’t know where yesterday went
Because it was here a moment ago
But I can’t hold onto it, so 
I let it flow
And something unfolds
Like the spirit had foretold 
An eon past
And what is it that will last
When our bodies have faded to dust 
Born of either love or lust 
There is no opposite to the true
And I see it in you

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The Feathered Oasis

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
The feathered oasis of calm in my mind
When I think of the trouble I’ve left behind
Like a minute fibre in the distance
Let’s take a minute to remember resistance
As it barricades the doors and fortifies the walls 
Falls deaf to years of desperate calls 
To just be the way I am
And chasing Sam
Like a dream in the sky
Is nothing to the blue of his eye
When he smiles at me
Do I get to call free
The newfangled word
Or will I forever remain unheard

Not In A Million Years

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Not in a million years or any version of reality
Could life replace what you mean to me 
And I know I was mad on the phone
A passionate Aries all alone
As you fit me into the box
Of a woman in need of locks 
So I rebel, rebel 
And tell you to go to hell
Coz you don’t understand 
You’ve only ever been a man
And the status quo
Is not something I’d like to keep, so
I smash right through the walls you construct
And I don’t give any fucks 
A delectable female on the line
That only wants to make you mine
And I hear the silent pause
That doesn’t obey any laws
Or gravity
What do you think of me 
I shudder and the earth quake
I’m sitting in the room and I shake 
As I try to hold it all in
But I love, I love him
And I’m hearing voices in my head
One tells me to just go to bed
And rest and keep
The best of me for sleep
Let the softness ensue
And I remember that song came out too
That August but I felt nothing at all
Except like banging my head against the wall
And it is silent desperation as I wake at three
Think the devil is talking to me
And the lights all went out
It coincided with my doubt
So I ran to Jennai
How do I remember the name of the nurse 
That sprinkled sawdust on a golden hearse
That seems to carry my body from place to place 
While the demons just lay waste
To the life I used to know
You told me to just let go…

Jesus Is Lord

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The burning pain encases my soul
And like the waves I roll and roll
Until I crash to the floor
And all I used to adore
In verdant green
Is part of what it means 
To walk in this skin
And part of me’s in love with him
As we age and pale
Giving up what’s not for sale 
To the highest bidder
It’s first come, first served and the weather
Is just one more seasonal spin
Do I let him in
Coz he’s knocking down my door
Hammering ever more and more 
As the years pass 
And I was outclassed
In the long grass
And today I went to Mass
And felt that age old relief
As I stepped back into belief 
As I stare at a man on a cross
Thinking all is not lost
Coz my Saviour died for me 
But He lived and that sets me free
That Truth exists 
And quells the sound in the mists 
That grapple and let me go
This cloud looks like it’s full of snow
Or thundered might
But Jesus loves me and I’m alright

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Real Person Then

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Making my peace with 2014
I snatched a thread in the bed of the dream
And everything cascaded in
And it was all the colour of him
And I couldn’t stand to hear Hozier play
It was all just a symbol of what’s taken away
When you tell the truth
And the pillars of youth
Fell in upon me 
Like I was so gone, we
Had to find a replacement to measure up
To the toxic flame of our burnt love

Oceanic Life

.Reading time 1 minute.
Oceanic life, I can feel the drown
Rising up when I’m outta town
It’s like a vast submerge
Has me on the verge
Of saying exactly what I mean 
And punching a hole in the dream
That I built so carefully
And I’m sure they don’t see
But the forces of unconsciousness move to contain
What they suspect might be rain
And I’m coming down in a deluge 
And it’s like my heart is the centrifuge 
Of the whole storm 
And I’m both cold and warm
As the fronts meet each other
And somehow I found a brother
Who connected on the level I chose
Coz all of them are lined up in little rows 
And I draw outside the lines
I replay it a thousand times

The Power Of My Voice

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The power of my voice
I speak and it’s not by choice
It’s like God has hold of my tongue
And I surrendered to Him when I was young
Now he commands more than I can believe
I let Him move me and it relieve
The pressure that’s been building
Up in my soul
Does a wave know it’s water
When it starts to roll
Only to crash back into the sea
Never really leaving the vicinity 
Of ocean all the time
I thought I could call the people mine
But they turned on me and the desire
Burned in me like sulfurous fire
Always aching to reach out beyond
They lock me up and I abscond
Only to be returned to the same place again
The bathroom floor and me are great friends
And it is cool against my cheek
Do you remember that time I got weak
And collapsed in front of the class
I didn’t know the Revelation last
Now I’ve got vines pulling at my hands
I’ve got an hourglass and it’s slipping sand 
But does God just turn it when the time runs out
So He can achieve without any doubt
And is there a way I can transcend 
Something about the riverbend 
And being open to what you don’t know
I held on so tight, now I let go
And the winter can’t stop me loving the snow 
His hand connected with the wrong side of a blow
And I was felled just like a tree
Except it didn’t really happen to me
Just some grass in the forest
I don’t know what I’m doing, if I’m being honest
But the road is paved, the path is beaten
And I can’t avoid the moment I meet Him
There in the woods of ill repute 
You wear a dress, I’ll play the flute
And music will last for the whole night
I look up and grin because I am alright

Taking The Scene

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She made a run for the dash
A finish line of I want cash
And it was as though I was the bank
No one there you gotta thank
And she drew from me the ebb and the flow
Til I conceded to let her go
And it was not without reservation
But I’m not tuned to that tv station
And really sad could be a description 
But it wasn’t I who forced the eviction 
As she moved my hand to sign the ink
The sign on the wall said “think”
And I fell apart in the ruins of us
It was as though I couldn’t trust
Even my step to hold firm
And I know there are things to learn
But you had me in close by the soul
Til you told me that you don’t roll
With the punches like I do
And I have to
Accept that you 
Are distancing and space in between
What was summer is now just a dream
I had at fifteen
I let you go and leave the scene



Photo: Chad Greiter on Unsplash.com

Flash Flood

.Reading time 2 minutes.
You’re running in my blood
You’re running in my veins
And it’s like the man said
That I am strange
Coz I just can’t be awful to make a point
I’m only messing, don’t knock yourself out of joint 
In trying to be normal and to fit in
I come and go but it’s always him
I return back to in the midnight
Where there’s no need to ask if you’re alright
Coz you are and the stars shine from your sky
We’re together forever so there’s no goodbye
Waiting in the wings of a terrible dawn
When you wake up and realise that it’s all gone
Like the boy I loved when I was seventeen
But the wind escaped from a terrible dream
The one I roll in like the sea
When the current is demolishing me
Til all and sundry is broken and beaten
Like you have you’re cake but it will remain uneaten
And I never got to hold his hand
But the sight of him sure was grand
Til the brutal tide that won’t be surpassed
Came at me til I was harassed
Trying to get on with half an act
It’s like it was fucking awful and I can’t go back
To where I was before it began
And you become an also ran
Til I’m knocking my head against the wall
Coz I can find no silence in it all
But the peace it came and kissed my face
When I was an abject disgrace
When nothing could save me from defeat
I was run down and knocked off my feet
And I try to get back up and walk
It’s like telling the wind it has to talk
When it can only whisper nothings on the breeze
Do you know the feeling when your heart starts to seize
And you’ve got nothing but ragged breath
Saying to yourself there’s no regret
But just one that I ever let you go
And another that I never let him know
The true depths of feeling that pumps a course
My circuitry and the remorse

Pride

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Like a bottle of vitriol 
I keep on call
Like I’m talking to crowds
And then to the wall
Coz I’ve got this pulse
That hammers my veins
And I keep hearing quotes
And magnificent refrains 
That call me to be 
Something new
And I don’t owe anything 
To the memory of you
Coz I fight with the dream
The fabric I’d crafted
I remember the moment
That you felt I laughed at
All you could not be
And you always said
You were jealous of me
And I kept it like a secret
Honor bound
Til you changed your tune
And the sound
Turned to clashing symbols 
I’m covering my ears
Waiting for the air to clear
And tell me that I’m 
Safe again
And I found dew drops
In the eyes of men
To patch up
What you tore of me
But I love them honest
So I set them free
To keep what I’d taken
In circumstance
But they always 
Ask me to dance
And I can’t say no
But where would you go
If you knew the truth
The black mark that became my youth
All because I 
Splintered the prose
And you simply
Took another road
That lead you down
An avenue
Don’t say that you miss me
Coz I don’t miss you
And I’m not gonna lie
And say it’s okay
I still remember 
The pain of that day
And the weeks and months
And years to follow 
When what had been full
Suddenly seemed hollow
And I can’t say that you
Carved out a mark
Coz there are no forms
In the magnificent dark
Only the feeling 
That all is well
Is it time
To show and tell

Unparliamentary Language

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I withdraw my accusation 
Since I’ve lived my realisation 
And see that the fault is not with you
It’s with the pain you put me through
As I resist and you agree
That everything troubled comes over the sea
In washes and waves at the Cliffs of Moher
And you swore you did not know her
Til I saw your hands interlocked 
On a screen in between where the birds had flocked
To get their share
Of bread and water, now I’m in your stare
As you love her more than you loved me
Why did I not let myself just see
As I hid on paper
And you promised them that you hate her
Well, that her is me
And I’m not gonna try to make you see
Infinity
Unless you already do
And I felt the ocean move
When you touched my hand
And met eyes that understand
To leave you free
I’m glad you picked her over me

Surgery

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It’s easier to just tell a lie
Than to disrupt you with the truth
Because you could never handle
The tremors that take root
And maybe it’s cause you notice
I’m not attached to this place
And I could as well let go
As look into your face
And I know you want to hold me
As I dangle precipice
But you don’t need to seek my fortune
As the source of your distress
Because we all hopscotch
Along the lines and the cracks
But just because you read the future
Doesn’t mean you can get it back
Or direct the wind
As it passes through your sails
And turns into the past
As your body fails
As all are due to do
Precluding interruption
By unseasonable forces
Or a dormant life eruption
But if it’s good enough for him
Then I do not complain
And what binds me to this place
Is just light playing on my name
And distracting eyes
From the obviously true
Cause if I’m mortally wounded
Then it follows so are you
And all that you strive for
To protect and attain
Won’t stay up in the clouds
But falls to earth as rain
And you can’t command the weather
Or unblue the sky
So don’t fear it when I speak
About what is born to die 

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Lashings

.Reading time 5 minutes.

It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation 
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore

Tire Tracks

.Reading time 1 minute.

Should I be afraid of all the tire tracks torn through the dirt
And should I try to hide all the pain and all the hurt
Cause all the scars make me into something I am not
And though I tried to get away I found that I got caught
In all the brambles and the briars as they entwined my arms
The harder I struggled the more that I got harmed
But the nightmares soon came to a finality close
And I found that peace was the path I chose
As all the beautiful and meek finally came to rest
Into a heart that was tormented, that once was distressed
All the calmness ensued and the softness of a chair
As I sank down deep into what once wasn’t there
So to anyone who worries, to anyone who crowds the deep
There is a homecoming and a stillness that will keep