Tag: Sadness

Asking You Jesus

.Reading time 4 minutes.
I disappear into the silence
And it is a form of violence
To let no one know 
That I am letting go 
Of my tenuous connection to reality 
For an inoculation from this insanity 
Everyone clicks like 
Meanwhile there is a spike 
In the suicides in the area and I just want to scream 
It’s the end of somebody’s dream 
And maybe all they needed was a hand to hold 
Or someone to have told 
Them that they’re worth it 
I wish they didn’t have to hurt, it 
Is so unfair 
Because I’ve been there 
It was in the mists, long ago 
But I know
I know 
And there’s just this pause
When you realise that all is lost 
And all the compassion in the world 
Couldn’t save the girl 
From her fate
I ate what was on my dinner plate
And they drove me away 
Storm after storm until I couldn’t say 
What was winter and what was just plain cold 
Life’s a bitch when you’re made of gold
And everyone craves your Midas touch 
I told the boy I love him so much 
But he just tells me to fuck off 
A few years before a common cough 
Could spark panic in the collective zone
I think I wrecked it on the phone 
When I tried to pour my heart’s blood
Onto a floor that was too good
To ever be a non stick pan 
I just wanted him to know what I am 
Meanwhile I’m sitting in the ward with Sarah 
And I care, ah 
Now she is shaking 
And all staff are just baking 
Their cakes in the oven 
So I stand up to their anti loving 
And go over and sit with her 
Put my arm around what we never were 
And tell her it’s okay
She tells me to go away 
But I stay 
And I feel it fall into the abyss 
And the dart shoots but it miss 
Her beautiful self 
I died so you could have someone else 
By your side when the times get rough 
Isn’t Jesus all about love
And psychosis may be a diagnosis 
But I ghosted that doctor who was too precocious 
For his own wealth 
And he can’t categorise my mental health 
In a trail of ink 
And the man threw the sink 
Out of its cage 
And I rage 
As we’re baking bread 
I would stay just to free you from your head
And you write in your diary 
But its a new earth and I’m firey 
But I won’t burn down 
Not while there’s still people in this town 
Got to get them out 
So I let God have my mouth 
To utter the Word 
I let it be and let it be heard

The Burden We Bear

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The tragedy of being Irish and free
Is now I have to watch them being ripped from me 
And we fought the British for so long 
Because they tried to stifle our song 
Only to realise 
That we were born under rainy skies 
And the famine and the genocide 
As my family dies 
And I stand at the grave
And think of all the people the fight could not save 
As we all hold the weight 
Of some kind of inflicted hate 
That still lives in our bones and blood
And they think they are good 
For daring to trying to quench the light 
Of the good fight 
For growing up on the grass so green 
Celtic and inbetween 
This world and the next 
And the Spanish were shipwrecked 
And now their bloodlines are descended 
We are a conglomeration that has amended
The phrase níos Gaelaí ná Gaeil iad féin 
And there’s something I love about the rain 
And touching down after Arizona 
My God, how I wish I could phone ya 
After our magnificent fight 
The one that set the devil alight 
And he tries to burn me in St. Pat’s 
As the people put out their welcome mats 
To tell me to come home 
And that it’s okay I’m alone 
But I just feel the shaking of the trees 
And the death that’s always on the breeze 
When you grow up under the sky 
Of the memory that cannot lie

The Futility And Helplessness

.Reading time 1 minute.
The futility and helplessness sets the kettle to boil 
And I wouldn’t be a daughter of this soil 
If the tragedy of conflict didn’t run in my veins 
And if I didn’t understand their pains
As they’re bombed into an oblivion 
How do I forgive them 
For what they don’t know they do 
When they are crucifying you 
For all they want to gain 
Because of the mechanics of their pain
As it spins round and round 
And delivers verdict without a sound 
Only the deafening quiet of thunder
Another neighbourhood going under
To the sound of crush
And the people rush
To see who they can save
As western civilisation cave
Under the weight of its own oppression
And every truth seems like a confession 
We make in the dark 
And we scroll past the things that leave a mark
And I watch young men in suits 
Brush past the truth
Like it is an inconvenient stare 
That they don’t want to admit is there 
When they don’t want it to be 
And if the Mediterranean Sea
Is the only place you can find solid ground
You know the silence has been lost in sound

The Bullet In My Body

.Reading time 2 minutes.
There is a bullet in my body, some kind of shrapnel 
I got from the war I fought
With a boy who can’t be bought
Not with trinkets polished to gold
Not with promises of growing old 
Only the truth raises his eyes
And lets him see with no disguise
As he looks into me 
Letting part of it go free
As it struggles to get loose
What is the point that you prove
When you seek to impress
Me so you can see me undress 
In your mind 
And I ask what’s left behind 
In the water that we find 
Somewhere on the shore 
And I visit Loch Lomond and adore
The wilderness of mountains frame
When the English played their games
With the lives of their so called subjects
But I reject
Their colonial expanse
That would have killed the dance
Every human heart is party to 
And I see that freedom in you 
As you fight with me 
And you don’t know that your integrity
Is my favourite thing about ya
Did you think I doubt ya 
When you say that no means no 
And I love you but I let it go 
And trust that fate will bring us together
In this sea of highland weather 
The Celt in my bones
Won’t leave it alone 
And I just call you “one more time” 
Would it be a crime 
If I crossed your girlfriends line 
That has been drawn in the sand
And I cannot love someone else’s man 
Though I do
My soul will ever call to you 
Across the ocean between us
I think God might dream us 
When we conceive of a future we own
And do you lose if the game has been thrown? 

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Can I Not Speak My Truth?

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Can I not speak my truth
As I try to put words to my youth
And the boy that blazed the sky
Across the part of me that would not die
Not matter how they tried
To bury me with the tears they’ve cried
Over ancient wounds 
But he walks into rooms
And just changes the air
Not someone else is there
And I can’t knock 
Even though there are things that it is not
Could I just be your friend
And wait for things to end
With her
So we can reconnect with what we were
And my sister warns me to stay away
And my mother lets me know I would have to pay
A price I can’t afford
If I risk my room and board 
In the home I built for us 
Because paper wrinkled with broken trust
Can’t be merged back into fine
Without someone having to do hard time 
As I walk in the night
It’s five o’ clock and, alright
It’s to early to call 
So I bang my head off a wall
And hope that it will soothe the drum 
That whispers to me what we will become 
If I just let it flow
Why is it that being told to let go 
Makes me feel like someone’s stabbing my guts 
And the model in me struts 
Down the aisle 
But the lioness only smile 
As she bares her teeth 
We both stood on the street
Near the monument to 1916
And sometimes I wonder if it was only ever a dream 
To think you loved me then 
Because I have watched boys become men 
And what they lose in the shutting down 
And women craving a white gown 
To give them worthiness points
In a society that anoints
Babies into a secular sphere
And you know the end is near
When you begin 
But, for once, I hope you win 
When you try to wash away
The part of me that won’t let you stay
Near the shore that I created
And I never wanted to be educated
And forget the truth I am
I love you like Ros wants Sam
And your smile breaks the scene 
I wish you the best of this broken dream 

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Is There A Girl Code?

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Is there a girl code
Because I let him into my abode
And now he won’t get the fuck out 
Even when I told him what I’m about
And that I didn’t know about you 
When I let him do what he wanted to do
As I felt the pulling thunder
In the sheets I was lying under
And I turned to meet his face
Now all I see is the disgrace
Of knowing that he was with you
The whole four years I wanted to 
Let him be
And our history 
Is tainted and blue 
And I guess it’s nothing new 
To say that men will connive 
Every minute they’re alive
But I’m bitter now
And jaded and somehow 
Only see the dark side of the grain 
As the sky pours with rain 
Down unto the glen
And amen
Is the end to every prayer
Was he ever even there 
When he whispered those words to me
Like a future planning history 
As we interlock our fingers
Now I just jump at phone ringers
Coz I don’t know what the news will be 
And tragedy
Always seem to come down the line
And you said that he was fine
But I wonder do you know him at all
Because I spent an age staring at his wall
To divinate 
And I wouldn’t want a man of mine in that state
So I offer him an olive branch or two
But he snaps back that he’s with you
So I let it fall into the flood
And hope that the result will be good
But it’s a burden
And I wonder if you heard him
When he cried on his own 
The boy I love on the golden throne 

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The Unassailable Goneness

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The unassailable goneness when you lose someone you love
And there’s no point looking for them in the sky above
Just an empty black hole, a colossal void
I withdraw into myself and people think that I’m annoyed
When I lash out at everyone (coz they don’t really care)
Then abandon the one boy who thought to dare
To breach my trenches, to traverse no man’s land
I look at him with suspicion but he offers me his hand
And it’s so delectably soft, so inconceivably frail
That I know in that moment that my defences fail
To keep out the love that is pouring through my heart
You know I tried my best, I didn’t mean for it to start
But it did and it does
And now I say that I’m in love
With a mortal form of the eternal being
I keep wiping my eyes, through the crying I am seeing 
As he turns from my gaze into his own reverie
And I contemplate the moment that God let us be
Held for a second like a ball in mid air
For once everything and the next not even there
As life pulls us apart in the guise of what we’re freeing
Now I don’t even know the landscape you are seeing
Through those precious eyes and lashes to frame
Though time and space expand I still feel the same
As I ever did, now then and before
In this world of passing things I found something I adore
Something that endures as my riverbed soul
Can’t separate the distance that it would take to roll
And crash a wave upon a shore like I know it will be
I wonder who’ll die first, will it be you or me
Because we are not vampires, we don’t get a thousand years
And I’ve been building up the pressure but the dam bursts with tears
And you’re with another woman but that is not the reason
It’s the simple fact that all things have a season
As our leaves bloom and grow then turn rusty red 
I thought of you like a hero now I think of you in bed
And all the dials turn on the sun of our day
Please don’t make it hurt when you go away

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In The Centre Of A Circle

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I know you’ve got a wife
And I believe that it’s for life 
When you make a promise to someone 
And I know that the sun
Has gone down on what we were 
I used to be angry at her
For taking you away from me
Bitter coz you didn’t stay with me 
And I was flying high
And you just wanted to die
I could feel it in my bones 
When we left our homes 
You know the one in LA
And no matter what you say
We can’t put it back together
And you just live in the rainy English weather
While I soak up the sun 
And now that it’s done 
I can finally breathe 
Because what we both need
Was not the claustrophobia and smother
I was your girl, not your mother 
And they all write about us
But there just was this trust
Between us
I though I had dreamed us
Up
But then my cup 
Overflows and spills all over the floor
And the one that I adore 
Is many miles away
And not just physically and so I pray
To the God I claim to know
How do I let you go? 
When you mean it all to me
Is there a past tense to infinity? 
And does it mean now that the rose is in my garden 
That I shouldn’t be so hard on him 
For what he could not be
I couldn’t hold on so I let you go free
I always thought you’d come back to me 
But forever is now part of our history 

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The Old Dark Machine

.Reading time 1 minute.
The old dark machine pulls and it shakes
It shudders when the earth quakes 
Entertaining no form of rain 
Though the ground is wet in vain 
And no grass grows up to meet
The pavement that they call a street 
And somehow I see it in her eyes
The part of her that dies 
Every time the house is empty 
And I was just a girl of twenty 
When I realised
That everybody dies 
Slowly but not all the same 
Some are not even given a name 
As in their mother’s womb they lie
And she in grief because they try and try
For so long to bequeath a child 
Now all they’re left with is the wild 
Of the Burren sparse and grey
Though beauty in its own way
Will rise up through the crevice crack 
From a life they can’t get back 
As they grasp and struggle and refrain 
I didn’t know that I could forgive the pain 

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The Wake

.Reading time 2 minutes.
It’s an Irish tradition 
But it feels like ammunition 
Firing into my soul 
Oh, what it takes to be whole
When a person is ripped from this earth
And people just say, I’m sorry that it hurt 
As I look at the body in the coffin 
And it wasn’t for a lack of lovin’
That it’s in there 
All the people who care
Are seated in a square
Around the walls
A four cornered room and we walk down the halls
Lined up in black 
And the slack 
That is cut like a new shirt 
Won’t still the breath that we skirt
“She looks the same”
Or “He looks peaceful” and his name
Is met by an inflection of the head
The horror of when someone is dead 
And there’s nothing you can do to get them back
I remember when they carried him out and lack
The ability to hold the memory in equanimity
Coz it’s the last time I’ll ever see
Him in that way
What do they say?
This too shall pass
But I don’t want it to if the love don’t last
Though the memory is like a baseball bat
And people wonder what am I at
Haunting the halls
I say it wouldn’t be this way if the walls
Would just fall down
But I drown 
In the ocean I open up
In the name of love 
And tears they pour like a saltwater sea
Down my cheeks and cut a valley through me
Like a glacier that moved the ground
To make Kilglass lake and the sound 
Of the drumlin belt echoing calls
Across the marsh and the footballs
That just hang in the sky
Why did my grandfather have to die? 

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Mo Stór

.Reading time 1 minute.
We watch it unfold before our eyes
Another day, another Palestinian dies 
And their culture is erased like it has no meaning
And the people are not dreaming
Because it’s no nightmare
But a reality that would scare 
The most stoic into submission
I don’t need anyone’s permission
To say what I feel to be true
The end of the genocide starts with you
And I, as we raise a voice to lift the blockade
So that the only shade
The children know is that of a tree
Palestine is forever free
No matter the walls and doors
Checkpoints and bombed out floors
But a spirit nothing can kill
If I know anything it’s that Love never will
Ever be defeated
And my courage has not retreated 
Far enough that I will not say
I can see another way
For the tide to beat the shore 
You are not alone, mo stór

The Castle

.Reading time 1 minute.
I can’t make you here now 
I can only allow 
Life to make its way to me 
And set you free
From the shackles you chain
Around yourself like acid rain 
That just burns its way through
And if there’s anything we can do 
It’s to hold the might 
Of the fuel for our fancy in the candlelight
As everyone tries to blow it out 
And my mouth 
Reaches to you
So I could breathe my love into 
The lungs that you use 
To abuse
The air that turns into words
Because they all go unheard
By the great weight of swim 
I don’t know why I liked him 
I just did and it gripped hold of my soul 
My sister says I should just roll
In the sea for a century 
And turn into what she’s made of me
All sticks and stones
And brittle bones
She loves to break 
And I should forsake 
My soul for proprietary
But my heart just won’t let me 
It bashes me up against the wall
Then throws me over a waterfall
Til I’m all worn out and in confusion 
My brain is heavy with all the bruising 
It has taken 
And then I waken 
And look up into his eyes
And know a love that never dies
Again 
I thought I had given up on men

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The Pulling Pain

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I try not to feel it
Will time heal it 
If I just let it burn 
But the world just turn
And they grasp my arms
Tell me they’re keeping me safe from harm 
And I feel the burning within 
It all came from him
As I can barely hold on 
To what is long gone 
And who I am craves for his flesh
The terror to think he might regret
Ever knowing me 
I cry on the phone, the tears are flowing from me 
As he grits his teeth and his tongue clicks 
And one of his best friends says he can be a dick 
And I just think of that Taylor Swift song
What if I was wrong 
And you never loved anything 
And the ring 
I thought I would wear
Is just part of the dress that would tear
As she wears it down the aisle
And I watch you smile 
Right into the face of your demise
But there’s death in your eyes
And it’s something I cannot avoid
It’s not like just loving one of the boys
It brings me to the brink of surrender
And a day that you “barely remember”
And I wonder if the gaslit anthem plays
Or if there’s any truth in what he says 
When he says that I am beyond the pale
Is it just that I am not up for sale 
That gets under his skin 
And he was flush with the cash but I wanted him 
Not the dollars he owes 
To the person whose garden he sows
With seeds aplenty 
But I look at him and his face is empty
Devoid of all emotion 
And the commotion 
Gets too loud 
So I let the borrowed fools crowd
Around me and operate 
On the person who just wants a date 
Sometime in April, coz it’s just the right air 
It would be great if you could meet me there 
If she lets you slip away
Out of her grasp and the break of day
Sounds a new dawn 
If you look to me you will see what was never gone 
Only unobserved
I gave you my word 

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Not Pretty

.Reading time 1 minute.
Why am I not pretty
And it’s a chorus, are you singing it with me 
As they make up the foundation 
To sell us one side of an equation 
Seventeen to twenty four
Til they don’t want you anymore
And I fell into the sway
But it’s not what I thought, okay
As I was labelled beautiful and sexy 
Til I gained weight and then it’s like, next, we
Don’t have time
To be the victims of your favourite crime 
And you’re just jealous coz they don’t see 
The same thing when they’re looking at me 
And is it some kind of superficial 
To be so contrived in the official 
Way they tow the line 
Because I feel fine
The way I am 
Have no ambition to Uncle Sam
My way into the American dream 
And be a supernova queen 
On the cover of a magazine 
I just want to scream 
That everything just fades and falls 
And all the walls 
I thought I had up 
Just drop away in this love
As someone somewhere says I look like the sky
And the days I wanted to die
Are long gone
But that song
Still sings on repeat
Don’t judge someone 
Til you’ve felt their heartbeat

Back To My Old Place

.Reading time 1 minute.
It wouldn’t be Dublin if I wasn’t late 
And somewhere under the covers is a man I’d like to date 
And I think of him as I sit in this sojourn 
Do I always have to mourn
It’s been ten years since we talked
A decade since I walked 
My boots down the road
And everything slowed
Down, how do I get away
I cover my ears so I don’t hear what you say
Because you tell me that it’s over, over the hill 
And I know that you would kill
Just to feel alive
But somewhere in the dive
You found the water you wanted
You tell me and I can’t say that I amn’t daunted
By the weight of your magnitudinous pain 
And I just stand out in the rain 
So I can feel it on my skin 
But I never felt him 
Move with the beat
Touched his face when we’re feet to feet
And somewhere in a daydream, diamond true 
I think that I found you 
For a reason 
And for a season 
That lasted three hours long
I was the ocean in which you drown

The Bark Of The Tree

.Reading time 1 minute.
How do people get like that, is it believing that the age you are 
Is anything more than revolutions around a star 
And I may be thirty three
But I’ve never been more free
As they put handcuffs on me
And tell me to preserve my dignity 
If I want to shine 
But I’m self effulgent and love is mine 
Though you wouldn’t know it from my visage
Don’t feel bad
It isn’t all your fault 
I kicked you out of the vault 
After letting the key slip into your hand 
And now I demand 
That you break like a wave upon my shore 
If you want me to love you more 
But it’s just like listening to the scene 
She wakes her own dream 
Up from where it lay
And I don’t get a say
About the perforate you opened 
And something is hoping
In what you never were to me 
I take a moment and I just be  

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Ripped From His Mother’s Arms

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I watch the Palestinian children die
And why do I get to cry
When their eyes are dry 
And a parent weeps over the corpse 
While soldiers laugh with no remorse 
And the commanders drop another bomb
Where has our humanity gone 
Do we not see ourselves in the other 
See our sister and brother 
In every battered storm front of war 
And I just look at her
And see the death that I know
The pain life has visited upon me slow
That must be experienced by the masses
Or as they’re designated - the lower classes
While I sit and sup my tea
Knowing full well that it could be me 
If I lived a hundred and eighty years ago 
When the British starved us slow 
To death 
And there is a memory that does not forget
It’s held like generational pain 
And I resonate with the acid rain 
That falls from white phosphorus plumes
Into lungs and living rooms
And burns into skin and sears 
People with images of those they hold dear 
Suffering and crucified
In every single one who’s died
Is the hidden heat 
Of the love that makes my heart beat 
And no claims of anti-semetic
Can make me subscribe to the rhetoric 
That justify the claims of war
When the dust settles what will all this be for 
And will we survive another spin of the wheel 
That makes us deny what we feel 
So we are capable of 
The worst of what I’ve listed above 

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Standing In The Heat

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health***

I’m standing in the heat
And I feel the power of us meet
As we are seventeen and eighteen 
I learned that every dream 
I ever had
Could be tied to feeling bad
Because it all gets taken away from me 
One way or another by time or indignity 
And you were sent like a saint
Now it’s my blood you use to paint
Your facebook page 
And I feel a certain scent of rage
Colour my cheeks 
That you think I’m weak 
And need the help of my family
When I’ve always rebelled at what they wanted from me 
Now I’m held like a noose 
As though I’m the golden goose
That must be prized in case she is set loose
By her own hand 
But I wouldn’t worry, I am grand
And have no intention to jump from a cliff
It’s all held in a what if 
And the march of time 
Can steal everything but what’s mine 
God plucked me from the sea
When dying was all that was left of me 
And I fought my way to the shore
Gasping and what’s more 
I was tired and wrecked 
And something woke while I slept 
And in the bathroom I couldn’t bear
To look in a mirror that would tear
Who I was to pieces
Coz everything that’s born deceases
And my grandmother just left this earth
And I can’t seem to bear the hurt
I was fourteen 
And my scream 
Was silent and unheard
Except by that holy bird
Who alight on my shoulder
And somehow roll away the boulder
In the mouth of the tomb
I find my Jesus and resume 
My prostrations at the feet of my Lord
It’s not over till you hear the spoken Word
Made flesh 
And every regret 
Falls to the floor 
As I worship what I was born to adore 

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Losing The Love Of My Life

.Reading time 2 minutes.
What is the call of New York
And why is there a fork 
In the road and on the table 
And I am not able 
To leave it all behind 
Even if I must go out of my mind
Or be labelled as such 
Because I love you so much 
And I couldn’t be there when you died
Because the man asked me how I am and I cried
So I got locked up in St. Pat’s again 
And it may be the will of men
To contain what they don’t understand 
But I look at you and you just say “it’s grand, 
I won’t leave you a grá mo chroí”
And even though my broken knee
Falls to the floor
I know there’s more
Than just screaming into the air
“She’s not there, she’s not there”
And it was all I could do not to hit my head off the wall
And they console me but I fall 
Into their lap and rebel against the constraint
Of being okay with the colour she paint
Because everyone has their own way
But I must do what she say
If I’m not to be medicated
And I may be educated 
But it has been the work of my life
To make sure I don’t become a wife
And go down with the ship 
Or the forests that they equip 
With cutting trees
And the birds and the bees 
Buzz around my head
But I would give it all up just to lay in bed
And mourn 
And look forlorn 
Because all that shattered glass
Never got me an A in class
It only ever drew blood
Now I’m standing in the wood
Trying to catch the soul that escape 
And the red cape 
Couldn’t stop the passage of time 
And my only crime 
Was trying to pause the air
Now I look at your chair and you’re not there

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The Tears That Flow

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The tears that flow
It’s been nearly twenty years since you let go
And people tell me to move on
But how do I ignore the space where you’re gone
A beacon of love and trust
And I know they just aren’t fussed
Coz to lose a grandmother is par for the course
Something common, like weddings and divorce
But no one told me what it would be like to have you ripped
From the fortress I had equipped 
With everything I had
So nothing bad 
Could happen 
And you were just napping
In the kitchen when Rocky lay down by the settee 
And I had had fourteen years when you showered love on me 
And I know I am closer to the grave
Than the point that could save 
You from the monsters that eat your soul 
But somehow I know that Jesus made you whole 
And the cancer spreads
I’m crying in bed
But there’s nothing I can do 
I can’t heal you
At least not yet 
But there’s something I will never forget
Like when you told me good things come to those who wait
And I trudge through the hate
Coz I know your advice is true
And there was wisdom that had its home in you
And you made rhubarb tart for us all
I take a place by the wall
But you wink at me 
And save the biggest piece and for free
You offer me the whole damn world
I’ll always be your girl 

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The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/oXz4MfZ0t

I Don’t Know Where To Start

.Reading time 1 minute.
She’s buried under the weight of timber
And she calls me a sinner
For what she cannot see
That it has devastated me 
And he looks at me that way
And there’s so much I want to say
But I can’t and now it’s never
That’s the hard part of forever
It doesn’t let go
And so 
I let the waves rise up 
To overflow the cup 
Of water I’ve been drinking 
They say that it’s overthinking 
But somehow it feels more real 
And it’s just that she cannot deal
With her own grief she fires at dart at me
And I don’t have the heart to let it be
I storm up a flame and turn away
Go deaf to everything she say
Coz it’s all a repetition 
Of something she learned in some edition 
Of something she read 
And I never said 
What I meant 
But when I sent 
That letter true
I thought it would deliver to you
But it must have missed the mark 
Now I’m just swinging swords in the dark 
And hoping to connect 
With a dream I seem to have wrecked
With my steady brutality
Oh, the weight of what’s been placed on me
Is a blessing true
And all of this because I lost you

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Melting Brokenness

.Reading time 1 minute.
My heart is touched
By the ones I love so much
And I can’t bear the loss
Bearing the heavy weight of cost
Of all this time 
And everything that’s mine 
Will one day belong to the sky
We do not know the hour we die
Or the day or the year
All I know is that a tear
Slides down my face
When something goes to waste
Because it was not said
And it pounds in my head
As I’m lying in bed
Hoping to stay warm
And all form 
Is permeable to 
The water that just wears through 
Our steady soul 
And the waves roll
Over the Burren floor
It was once at the bottom of the ocean and what’s more
It’s solidity 
Is only apparent when it’s taken from me 
To go sliding away 
I close my eyes to the day 
And embrace the night
Have people ask; “are you alright?”
And yes I am, but no I’m not 
Like asking a candle is it hot
As it slowly melts 
This is made to be felt 
As it sits in my chest
And holds the people I love the best 
In the Kilglass sun
What if everything is the One

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The Sadness That Embraces

.Reading time 1 minute.
The inner child weeps
And she never sleeps
For all the people she loves
Will one day be above
Or at least that’s what they say
I don’t know if it is that way
But I’ve always felt the wrench
Felt the knot in my gut clench
As it tries to clasp
What it knows can never last
Not in a hundred million suns
Not in finding the sacred one
Because the heat must die
To find the reason that you try
To reach the sky
And I
Just find tears
Amidst all the years
And cling to the frame
The door that bears my name
But it can’t weather the storm 
Of the heart that beats me warm 
In the summer free
I feel death stalking me 
And in the winter fine
I feel that it is time
To let the leaves go
Let the winds blow
Let the waters flow
And find that there is no separation, you know

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The Words And What They Do Not Mean

.Reading time 1 minute.
She can’t stop running interference
And though I held her dear once
I can’t keep up this spin
Why don’t you keep that aspect of yourself for him
Like you’ve been trained to do 
But I never will be you
In all this mountainous thunder
And taking a number
To be what you are
Has every star
Been categorised
And every sunset a way the day dies
I don’t know about your aching pain
As it tries to force me to stand in the rain 
Because you got wet
From a time you cannot forget
All the lights shine
But forever will never be mine
As long as I pick up after you 
I feel cold at the sound of your laughter too
Because it rings of disdain 
And your aching stain 
On the carpet or sheet 
There must have been a reason we meet
By universal design 
But know that I cannot call mine
What only pulverises 
And she surmises 
That I’m cutting, direct 
The words she hurls haven’t changed me yet
But I just feel this sigh
Coming on like a longing goodbye
As I wonder why
She never understood jack
And now she cannot take it back 

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The Porcupine

.Reading time 1 minute.
The porcupine is out tonight
She hits me with her firing light
And everything is just fair game
She shells me and I don’t feel the same
Because everything is just a mood
And all she ever does is brood
To bake what she can never cook
And do everything by the book
The book she names
The book she recites
She looks at me 
And dynamites 
Everything that ever was
She says that she does it coz
She loves me but I think that’s a hoot
I watch as the flames take root
In desire and in fear
I push away when she comes near
Coz forests come and forests go
But the green will stay the same so 
I trust in my own hands of clay
When I just walk surreptitiously say
Nothing at all to you 
It’s been an ocean, these shades of blue

Image Credit: https://pin.it/1VrdLvEzB

The Age Of Existence

.Reading time 1 minute.
I can feel a wave and I’m getting ready to surf it
The bog is flat before you turf it
And build it into little towers
Stacking sods with all our powers
Until our backs ache
And we take a break
To soak in cool 7up
By the pores, it’s enough 
And those were the days of sunburn
And racing my sisters to take a turn
At who could be the best
Then copping out coz we need a rest
And is this the end to the quest
Stand up on Sundays at the behest
Of the Lord that commands
In the acres of desert sands
To find just what we are
Led by the light of the star
That shine over the stable 
Get up and sing, if you’re able
Or the sadness will just consume
One day you’re the only one in the room
And holding the light in tilting frame
Barely able to say your name
With lips that quiver with the weight
And hearts that have surrendered the hate
And age takes it all, even the body
Time wearing out like the car getting shoddy
And someday you must face the succumb
Only tell tales of when you were young
But in reality you can’t relive
Only hold your hands out to forgive
All that you couldn’t get by with
I rely on my soul, the departure of wit
Knows me all too well
I’ll choose Heaven over some kind of hell

The Darkness That Ensued

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The darkness that ensued
And all I could do was brood
Over the way things had come to be
Confinement was the only mystery 
I could bear to hold
So I ran from the fields of gold
To the chains in the city
And it was more self pity
Than it was bravery
I couldn’t face the truth
And the pillars of my youth
Are falling around me 
Now I have no grandfather to ground me
So I just grasp at empty air
Because you are no longer there
To catch me when I fall 
And see me play football
Down at the pitch
Making a switch
With Linda on the field 
But the wind blows and I yield 
To it and let you go 
It was harder than you know
To relax my grasp 
On the part of me that was born to last
And I couldn’t cry tears
Despite the years 
We spent together 
And the weather
Turned suddenly snow
And somehow I just know
That it’s time 
And my crime
Is that I couldn’t bear to face
This aspect of the human race
That we must say goodbye
To the people we love as they die
And I’m hearing voices
The people in Pat’s say it’s just noises
But I sense that I can hear
More than just the ones I hold dear
From the other side
I think they are still alive
In some other realm 
And at the helm
Is a spirit greater than we can understand 
He is not ruled over by man 
But free to birth into the world of form 
And just because my body’s warm 
Doesn’t mean that I’m separate 
From the ones my heart equate
With eternal love
And if I no longer have to look above
But within to find you there 
Would you know that I still care?

The Thread Unwinds

.Reading time 1 minute.
The thread unwinds
And are we all just out of our minds
Running blind 
Into the wind
And the boy grinned
At me like it was all okay
And somehow it was with him that day
Will I find my way back to see
The moment of eternity
That held itself out in his eyes
Deep blue opals that disguise
The soul that’s looking through
I would love to be with you
In any kind of way
No broken heart to mend today 
Just ashen earth clay pots
And calling the kettle what I’m not 
In the morning 
The sea was storming 
Until that deathly calm
It should have rang some kind of alarm
But it didn’t, I just gazed
Into a man I would have saved
If I had known how 
Now I just allow
You to breach the barrier 
And I know you wear the weather with her
I can see it through the grain
As it’s all coming down as rain 
In a January morning 
In the winter of 2013
And the dream 
Is less like shattered glass
And more like Gandalf and “You Shall Not Pass” 
But the goblins from the grave
Seem to haunt all of my days
In so many ways 
As I look into the sky
And wonder when you too will die

From The Green Green Grass Of Home

.Reading time 1 minute.
From the green, green grass of home
Leave them alone 
Don’t drop the rubble on limbs
Meanwhile the soldier grins
Despite his terror 
And the error 
Of all that has come to pass 
Is that somehow it cannot last 
In spite of all the flying swords
And the politicians with words
Seek to distance the fold
From the aforementioned fields of gold
And it’s like a story that has always been told
That somewhere in the midnight
It all breaks into daylight
But it takes some time to show
And I hold on as he’s letting go
And my tears are like a wave to crash
On a shore where my grief will smash
Everything to pieces 
Why is it that everything deceases 
And moves away from where it’s been 
If life is a dream
Then does it wake
When the earth quake 
Will all that is not true
I lay my head into you

Emotional Storms

.Reading time 1 minute.
My future regret
Comes in days that haven’t happened yet
And I feel guilt
Like a blade broken at the hilt
For all my sorrows and all my sins
The near misses and the almost wins
As I try to fight my true nature
Hitting like a meteor into a crater 
And leaving a mess all around
I’m silent but you hear the sound
Of everything
Of a bird on the wing
That seems to soar
Do you want something more
Than what you’ve always had
It’s stereotypical, this feeling bad
Like dread is a mountain I meet in my sleep
And broken promises are all that I keep
Close to me as I lie on my pillow
Bending the truth like it’s a weeping willow
Just to measure up
Please, Lord, take away this cup
But the present moment ever is
And this life is only His
In His majesty 
Just don’t wave a red flag at me

The Long Forgiveness

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I don’t want to let go of the feeling
Because it means I must let go of you
And I don’t want to
They all teased us about each other
But sometimes you were like the brother
I never had
And it makes me sad
To think that I
Must wait until I die 
To see your visage again
I should’ve told you I could talk with pen
And write a sonnet for you
Is moving on the same as pulling through
Coz he threw those words at me
But he simply doesn’t see
That life takes care of life
And somebody’s wife
Or somebody’s son
Is warm with the waves that come from the sun
Pure photon light
Balancing between here and alright
And must I escape
A hero in a red cape
Comes to save the day
But he can’t bring back what’s gone away
And what would you say
About things like that
Love is not something that you lack
But something that pours through
Right now I’m starring in a role and you
Have dissipated 
Have I ever hated 
Life so much
To vanish what was warm to the touch
And sincere and honest
They talk about Heaven but I wouldn’t count on it
To save the day
We are born to go away
And must make hay
In the sun we know
Tell me what to do, a stór, the show
Must go on
But how do I love with you gone
How do I let a man into my heart
When it’s been broken and the part
I crave the most
Is with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Issues

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The pain reverberates around the inner wall of my sanctum
All is lost and I never thanked him
For who he was to me
They say that death is to be set free
But chains encircle and the vice, it grips
Some people escape by going on head trips
I sit in the suffer 
Coz I know you loved her
In your short time here
Your golden hair and fiery heart, my dear
Will never go to waste 
I stay chaste
And good and clean
But I only meet you in a dream
Til he walks on the scene 
And everything I love is in full colour 
The Now is here and the past is duller
But the car crash of us mimics the cry
Of the moment I learned that you die
Grasping, clawing, trying to hold on
But you are already gone
And memory
Seems to be 
The only thing you have left me 
As the vultures circle looking for some chew 
While I’m on the grass just talking to you
And he was a symbol of salvation, I held him tight
But he’s emptiness in the night
Always a little too far away
With a little too much to say
About me and you, he and I
And I’m not gonna lie
I tried to make that plaster fit
He just thinks I am a little bitch
Affection and playful but it’s not enough
I’m looking for Eternal Love
To bridge the gap
Because Death leaves behind no map
And the scrap of what I can remember 
Of the years of knowing you
Is scrawled in a diary I put pen to
But it doesn’t bring you back, I chew the cap
What if I have another relapse
And end up in the psych ward again
Because reality is not my friend
So I take refuge in fables
Keep up if you’re able
It’s a litany
Of all the liars I never got to be 
And somewhere in the sunshine I see you again
You set the gold standard of men
And you were there that year in 2007
In the blue camp and I, eleven,
In love with with your name
Life will never, ever be the same
With you gone, now there’s no one to squeeze my hand 
And smile like everything is grand 
And fun and neat
Next door neighbours, next time we meet
Will be an eon hence
My Love is never in the past tense

Fear To The Touch

.Reading time 1 minute.
You could be dead and I wouldn’t know
Does the pain start to show
As I mourn your form
So cold where it used to be warm
And I remember kissing the forehead
Of my Grandad in the coffin
It was like ice
And the shock 
Made my soul splice
Into multiple parts
How do you move with a broken heart
And the beat tries to keep you steady
But it stutters and I wasn’t ready
To commit my life to a mortal thing
Coz this bird with broken wing
Can’t fly
And you could die 
And I would shatter like a pane of glass
But somehow in the mists something last
And keeps me walking to your door 
Leaving notes for someone I adore
So he might know 
That, though it doesn’t show
I hold him close to my breast
Calamity and the rest
Can’t shake the ground I know
I watched you change and grow 
From a boy to a man
Through facebook coz I can
And it may track my every move
But I’ve nothing left to prove
Except to leave my open hands
There for the slipping sands
That are the years of us
I shake but I trust

Grief In Waves

.Reading time 1 minute.
I miss you and it’s been twenty years
And it’s been quite a few since I cried tears
But I remember standing with you
In the morning dew
Looking out on the fields
With nothing to do
Or seeing you gaze
At my eyeline
As I video recorded
The light that you shine
Now you’re just a photograph
Paper thin
Is there anything more
Than the memory of him
To stand on stilts 
So tall
They say time washes away
Like a waterfall
But I would never want to forget
And I remember you yet
Me, so small and hardy
You the simple net
That would catch me when I trip
I love you still and that is it
Nothing more, nothing less
And I know I don’t need to stress
About the small things
And spirit has wings
To take it to the sky
It’s just I wish you didn’t have to die
I wish I could still hold your hand
Have you say that all is grand
And that you love me so deep
I love you Granda and that’s a promise I’ll keep

Big Fish

.Reading time 1 minute.
I look at the big fish
Thinking he's such a dish
But he's only catching flies
In the interval between the birth that dies
And yet I can sense even in him
A light that shines within
And the dark is threatening summer
So I switch off the lights and hear that drummer
That calls to me to speak my mind
Share my soul and my life in kind 
And I somehow know that this will come true
Because I have ultimate faith in you
To be and bring all I have to know 
I hold on to let go
Of what is not real or true
But the beef with this is that I pay my due 
A hundred times over in advance
And everyone is in a sort of trance
I click my fingers and 
Lose sight of an hourglass worth of sand 
But time is nothing new
Just the force of gravity working on you
As your skin folds down
And slowly sinks into the ground 
And you call that the end
I call it another friend
That just shows you that the permanent 
Is not held in the thing that went
But in the eternal, immutable soul
I spin the hands on the clock and fold

Still In My Soul

.Reading time 3 minutes.
I was there
The day 
They took you away
And this song was playing
On the car ride home
Do you feel alone?
Coz the pavement always reflected the sun
And the sky was a burning one
As I walked in the gate
Was it just fate
Coz I can’t think of a reason
The season
Is winter and so much snow
I swore I’d never let you go
As my hands tremble against the pillar 
And daily life is like filler
When you’re gone
I hold my breath for so long
Just to prove
I feel what it is to lose
Your golden hair
I remember you and I were there
That Sunday outside the Church 
And, I dunno, I just love you so much
I was gonna ask you to
But I lost the nerve that checked on you
And I never suspected
I never preempted 
The basin that emptied
The moment she said your name
It cascaded and the blame
Of grief and guilt and pain and loss
Try to show me who’s boss
But you surface holding my hand
As I tell you ‘bout the boy in the band
But it’s through tear stained cheeks
The valleys and hills as the glacier weeps
It’s way through the parish we were born to know
I never thought I’d lose that smile though
I still feel it’s radiance on me
You always let me run free
In the playground we silent share
At the range as you stood there
Somewhere, somehow by my side
How dare they say you’re not alive
When I feel you ever near
Shining like a crystal clear
And you know me just a little bit
But somehow you still stay with
Me throughout the years
And I would drink an ocean of uncried tears
Just so that it’s real
This isn’t just something that I feel
I don’t know how to deal
But somehow I do
Even if it’s not with you
And the bitterness 
And fears and foe 
Come regardless of what I let go
As I fight to find
A place I can’t leave my love behind
And I think I found it 
It’s tentative but it’s true
And it resounds with the power of you
As you sing in the echo of the hall 
Bouncing off the far wall
It only serves to resound the call 
That makes me write for you
The silence is pure but it pours into
Every syllable you didn’t say
I’d walk to you if there was no other way

Even If I Could

.Reading time 1 minute.
There were days I wanted to
As I stumbled down the hall
Keep my head up
When I feel like I’m gonna fall
Or drown under it all
And they say the words and they echo 
But they can’t get me to let go
Of what keeps me straight
I tell the truth, they say to wait
And this secret eats me up
When I know it’s born of love
Brimming full of a Sunday sun
Like God is the only one
Who could ever know
What it is I can’t let show
Coz it’s dark and crazy and gets me locked up 
It’s as though I know I must drink from this cup
And we all die
And cry
Behind closed doors
Or not at all
I wonder which is worse in my own freefall 
And the darkness came one sudden night
Some kind of fire to ignite
In a vacuum empty
And it wasn’t until I was twenty
That I realized 
Beyond the clouds are blue skies 
And somewhere in the midst of all the hate
Is food on my dinner plate 
And a feast at the table
Lift your head if you’re able
Coz few are those who could do it for ya
So don’t rely on the dictum, do ya
Find that sweet source beneath the pain
There’s a place beyond the rain
And when you’re soaked through and through
You wake up to the reality, don’t you?

The Sound Of One Heart Breaking

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Questioning these sacred concepts
The weight of the world that makes war
And I mourn you but I don’t know what for
Is it just the pain serves to remind
There’s a place you have not left behind
And I break down on the floor
Coz the sound of the door
Shutting cracks my skin
And I try not to let it in
But the light is coming from the inside out
And it replaces all my doubt
With the ferver of another land 
Would you understand
If I told you I just had to let it be
It’s like all of my soul’s been taken from me
When you breathed your last
Or when I discovered a thing of the past
No more what it is
And I call myself His
But it’s a running game
And it’s all the same
No way to stem the flow
Of what you cannot let go
I wipe the tears from my face
Just in case
Anyone sees me in that place
But you’re in my heart
And the mark
That was made
Is the same scar that scabbed over what’s saved
Did it come to me too early to appreciate 
Fourteen years old in another state
Where time and space don’t exist
But in the present I just subsist
On the bread of another longing 
And the people are thronging
Round the gates of hell
Begging to be let in, as well
And I cannot follow
The tree into the hollow 
Of what you came to show
I love you forever, I hope you know

The Trauma

.Reading time 1 minute.
Does the pain go by the name of trauma
And are we just flora and fauna
In the Garden Of Eden
What do you believe in
Coz I know you’re atheist 
But it doesn’t erase the trust
I have in the Divine
And if I say I’m doing fine
It would be a lie
Coz people die
And I try to stem the flow
Of holding on to let go
It gets ripped from you
Out of the hands it once poured into
And you hit me like a smash and grab 
And I know you’re not just a lad
Who’s down with the girls
I uttered; “you are my world”
And you balked
I almost wish we never talked
Coz it landed me in hell
In an all-but-name kind of cell 
Where they were super nice to me
But tried to change me by degree
By offering medication 
So I might change the station
But I am the screen
The pictures that move are the dream
But I can convince no one
So I just let the drum
Beat me til I’m nothing new
But I can’t claim it was for you
Coz I let go the true
In a sunset kind of hue
That wakes to pay it’s due 
I faked the sleeping thunder blue

A Dream In Consciousness

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Is life just a dream in consciousness 
That we are all having together
Some focal points
That personalize the weather 
And we trudge and we scorn
But we don’t realise why we were born
As we find our way up the hill
But there’s clarity when things get still
And I lived a summer when someone die
I was so sad I couldn’t cry
Like a sky
Being too cold to snow
I loved him so I let him go
But I found something else
In the depths of myself
That made everything clear
And I held him dear
But I couldn’t keep him
I woke from my sleep and
I thought it was all made up
For a moment but it was not enough
To quiet my shaking hand
As realisation made me understand
That the man under the sea
Behind the boat that he
Tried to rescue was simply  
A way of dealing with what I couldn’t control
It was so vast the waves didn’t roll
But made an empty silent sound
I’m lost for someone I want around
And she backed away from me
I let her go coz I want to be free
And she don’t understand 
I ignore her fatigue and her underhand
That strikes out
She is full of doubt
But that don’t make more solid stone
And we are both alone
Coz we can’t trust
The moment when the balloon went bust 
And splattered the paint
My mind couldn’t handle it so I faint
On the floor in front of Room One
No one knows the Sun
That shone
For a moment it was gone 
Then it reappear
And a friend I hold so dear
Told me I should get it checked out
But I just want to shout
It from the rooftop
That there is no bad cop
To fear
The Lord is ever near
And catches everyone like a net
It happened to me, now I can’t forget
All that has come to pass
The time goes by but this last
Through the seasons of change 
And the acting strange 
And the loss is not what I thought I knew 
I am always with you

The Morning That Doesn’t Come

.Reading time 2 minutes.
(Trigger Warning - grief)

Do I have to always love you screaming in the rain
And do I equate death with pain
Coz he took you far too soon
Now I’m just crying in my room
Slamming my head against the wall
And no one knows at all
But it doesn’t bring you back
Just prepares me for another attack
Of grieving waves of trauma
And it’s been so long, you
We’re taken in my early teens
Before the cross and the man of my dreams
And I try to stand up and measure the line
But I keep remember thinking you were fine
And if I just prayed
You could’ve stayed
But it’s midnight and you’re both by my side
Why is this side of me something I hide
Coz I feel so much peace in a church
It kind of stills the way I hurt
And I light a candle for you
Almost as if you asked me to
And I sat by your side in your wheelchair at Knock
And you were always steady as a rock
You never faltered, you just bore it all
And I stood in the waterfall
So we both were there
And so you might know I care
But the whisper cracks my voice
And it’s no one’s choice
And it seems unfair
But can I be grateful for what you were spared 
And somewhere in oblivion we will touch again
I’ll call your name like love will never end
And you’ll wrap me in your arms so tight
And tell me that everything’s alright
And soothe that storm I own
I call your name like you’re my 
home

Somewhere In The Multiverse

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Is everyone trying to escape
That vast, empty space
And I hold her at a distance
Arms length, or resistance
Coz she can't know
How I let you go
And the awning abyss
Is the only man I kiss
In the winter of my life
When I'm trying to survive the strife
Under the cover building turf
Could you tell me which is worse
Indifference or indecision
And I know you were subject of derision
But I shared 
In every vessel that cared
How the ship would float
And that boat 
Still sails a sea
Somewhere in the multiverse with me

The Terrifying Moment Of Us

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Photo by Chermiti Mohamed on Pexels.com
The loss means taking a hit
You think it means nothing but I feel every bit
Of pain you inflict
And I can call you a dick
But it doesn’t change the feeling inside
All I do is hide
It from prying eyes
But there’s a time when the disguise
Is a weight to bear 
And I tie up my hair
Because it’s too long
And your song
Still rings in my ears
Throughout the years
Of uncried tears
And I’m just sitting in my car at the Mall
Thinking of the time you called me pal
And I can’t get back that day
And it’s in everything you Say
That we can’t hold ourselves back from the bridge
That holds us over the river 
Do I forgive her
For the darkness that she opened
Like a Pandora’s box
But something undid the locks
And I can credit her with something she did not
Know she was doing
And all these dreams I’m pursuing 
Are just ways I escape 
From Superman’s red cape
As it tries to cover me 
And tell me I’m free
But I’m sad and I’m weak
I remember days I couldn’t speak
For want of crying 
Why is everyone dying
Slowly, then all at once
Kinda like how you fall in love

Death And The End Of Things

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Death and the end of things
Did it clip my broken wings
Coz I saw it in every facet
Of a diamond hue
And counted down the days
Until it would take you
And now I’m thirty three
One day it’ll take me 
Away from the world of form
The world into which 
I was born 
And it was midnight when I realised
That everything I loved died
On the street that day
And it’s not okay
To just say
That all things end
And love’s around the riverbend
Coz they never seem to care
About what isn’t there
Where it once was 
And I got angry just because
I couldn’t change it
Couldn’t change anything 
So I find the lungs to sing
The song you taught me all those years ago
And it doesn’t take snow
To preserve a body cold
What happens to us when we get old
Do we live in regret
Replacing what hasn’t happened yet 
Coz the time has piled
And all the miles 
We go from the place where we were
And nothing can replace her
Not as hard as it tried
The world is full of lies
But there is a truth that just fails
To catch the wind that set my sails
Upon a foreign sea
Are you still watching over me
Or is it just rueful fate
I love and It forgets the hate

Lost

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Th ship is adrift on the ocean
Am I cliché if I claim emotion
Had me run ragged round the sea 
And I just long to see you with me 
Arms intertwined 
Diamonds mined 
Like solid gold bands 
On the ring fingers of both our hands 
But you broke the circle 
That held us as one 
Now I’m the daughter
And you are the son
Of the God who saves 
And I stared at the empty seat for days 
And gaslit myself 
Like San Diego
Never thought that you would play me though 
As you took your book and ran 
And I don’t think I can 
Let you in again
I think I’ll go search other men 
For that spark of soul in self 
I saw you with somebody else

Impermanence

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Can death happen
Or is it just another ruse
An illusion designed to confuse
Us here on earth
We grow from the dirt
With the bodies we weave
And everything else is up our sleeve
In resident dread
I wake for God’s sake and deny him instead
My acceptance
Like the rejection 
Could be anything to him
The pain just pushes me to go within
And find the source
Of grief that runs without remorse
Down the window pane
Is it gonna happen again
Or do I know
Now that I am letting it go
That no iron can strike
The open mic
That shouts my name
She left and nothing is the same

Evolution

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Are we all just slowly burning fuses
And I dance in the garden with all the muses
But they never seem to inspire me
They just tire of me
As I sing the same old tune
The feel of you being in the room
When it all went down
Now you’ve got the crown 
And they could call you king or god
But you’re not the name I call when I need the Lord
The one who never fails to show
He picks up what you let go
What you saw as infantile
Just makes my Jesus smile
And I was in the undergrowth
When he saw me start to slow
And he grabbed my hand
Showed me how he understand
All of my multiplicity 
Never calling fake on me
Just chameleon to fit the shape
Of what I need to escape
The rotary burn of the wheel
That crushes how the people feel
With their own doing nice
And old age doesn’t come twice
If it’s what you need
And we all bleed 
So there’s no need to cut
What you fear in another’s shut  
Door to your open green
Don’t you see that life’s a scene
Playing out on the screen of us
So I open up my closed heart and trust
And it’s a white knuckle ride, my boy
You were a sort of joy
I found on Twitter 
Do I just end up bitter
Coz I never had what you say
Is pertinent in the going away
That we’ve all been through
There’s nothing like the magic of you

Threadbare

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It’s threadbare, the stitching of us
We’re nothing if not broken trust
Coz you swallowed the bullet I handed to you
You stitched the thread and pulled it through
And the chandelier shatters on the floor
How could I hate what I adore
As he drives a splinter into my soul
And it’s just a memory, the being whole
Coz it cascaded
And the beauty faded
Into a midnight of ill repute
And there’s that picture of him in a suit
But he moved on, he forgot me
It’s like a rope and the fibres knot me
Into a thread I long to fray
Is everything thing okay?
But he turns away and the darkness reigns
The years of doing things in vain
And trying to get back to the level playing field
I watched them sway in the wind and yield
Down by the lake
And do you know what love forsake
When it took him from me
Like the ocean to the sea
In wondrous tones
I always end up alone
Though I’ve got friends and I’ve got family
But in the dead of night there isn’t any way
You can avoid the dark
Just waiting for that holy spark
To light the fuse
Why did you think you were something I could use?
Maybe it was the song
And d’ya know, you weren’t wrong

Taking The Scene

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She made a run for the dash
A finish line of I want cash
And it was as though I was the bank
No one there you gotta thank
And she drew from me the ebb and the flow
Til I conceded to let her go
And it was not without reservation
But I’m not tuned to that tv station
And really sad could be a description 
But it wasn’t I who forced the eviction 
As she moved my hand to sign the ink
The sign on the wall said “think”
And I fell apart in the ruins of us
It was as though I couldn’t trust
Even my step to hold firm
And I know there are things to learn
But you had me in close by the soul
Til you told me that you don’t roll
With the punches like I do
And I have to
Accept that you 
Are distancing and space in between
What was summer is now just a dream
I had at fifteen
I let you go and leave the scene



Photo: Chad Greiter on Unsplash.com