Somehow there is a starship far away And it is hidden in every day In the midst of meals and courses In the midst of screaming fights, divorces And I call that love, it’s a futile road To ever carry that heavy load They call life And every wife Knows the weight Of hiding in her husbands hate As he trudges through the snow Pretending he is in the know And I’m taking apart an institution Because it is in my constitution And I always wanted to be a newly wed So I could share somebody’s bed But that dream has faded And I’m jaded At thirty three Like I swore I’d never be I’d follow every dream to its resolution But now it seems the only solution Is to let it go And rest and know That every cloud has its silver lining And I’m one who is undefining What it means to be woman and grown I plunge into the unknown And come out smelling of roses I didn’t realise that I chose this Over a life of steady familiarity Rooted in the ground like a deep tree So steady in its being But there’s something else I’m seeing In the mists of time It’s you and I and we are fine Just as we are Behind every black hole is a hidden star
Messy little snowflake having your child I used to be impetuous, I used to be wild Now I just come to dock at the bay And learn to say I love you anyway And the youth of my generation Are estimated to spend less time at the station Getting on trains Or making bodies with bloodstains And there’s a hidden kind of invisible trauma When they encourage you but don’t inform ya Of the onset of pain Flowing from you like cyclical rain To prepare the ground for the seed And half of us will bleed Out what we’ve come to make You say you do it for my sake But do you know what you plant When you call my words a rant That aim to please Til I’m screaming on my knees As I fulfil my function But we’ve come to a sort of junction And you make a hard right In the car and the night Comes to envelop us both And I know that you live to hope In what I offer but I Am not willing to die To bring another soul on the scene That was somebody else’s dream Since I was eighteen I would rather reign as the queen Of my own domain But I hear you ask again For a match to spark a light And you ask someone else, am I right To be your two point five caretaker And I know you didn’t make her But it still feels like force And you living without remorse For your bullet pen But if I had a choice, I’d let you in again
I tried to find permanency in the things you approved of
Cause you always seemed like you were right
You walked with a kind of confidence
That had no doubt as to what you could fight
But I fell into the abyss
Waiting for you to care
And hopscotching myself along the lines
Of what I didn’t want to wear
And everwhere there seems to be
Instructions on how to live
But its like chasing down paper planes
Along rivers that don’t exist
And I seek one moment to turn forth
For the love I bear you in my chest
But each time I do I am crippled
Crossing lines that you destest
Whether I’m too near or too far
Its like a balancing act
And it doesn’t really serve a purpose
To swear by what you retract
And I could play these guessing games
For the milleniums before me
I know that it is selfishness
I just want you to adore me
And I’m not really seeing the practicalities
Of loving on request
I know I never measured up
When you put me to the test
So all that I can offer you
Is the silence that consumes
As I’m absorbed into the night
The darkness resumes
And you will always have the meaning
You inescapably are
But I am not just a sweeper
To kick when times get hard
And I know that there will be resolved
An answer to our souls
I just think I was mistaken
When I thought you made me whole
And our spirited undertones
Just patchworked the quilt
Something drove the blade in
And it broke off at the hilt
Now there is a forest wide
Of time and space and words
But every time I see your face
I forget what I have heard
And conjured up again
Is a memory infantile
When I looked for you to be just there
But you had run a mile
And the stabbing jealousy
Pierces deep into my side
As I look at the perfection
Of you without me in your life
As accolades and flowers
Flow freely into your hands
I wish that I could stop the wish
That you would understand
Me just as I am
And revel in my presence
But I stayed too long
Now the moon is just a crescent
Of the whole that it was
Signalling an eon of time
That moves the waves in rhythm
To the era you were mine
And these convoluted feelings
Are all about possession
I thought that I could do without
The wounds of my window dressing
As I come to the conclusion
That my heart is made of stone
And maybe I would be better off
If I just leave you alone
Like you’ve been begging me for centuries
Implicitly in your eyes
A monumental cacophony
The whole world denies
Though you always seem to find
Someone to match your heart
And I wonder why it was not I
Who could fulfil that part
So sadness will ensue
My subtle self exile
I guess that I will never be
The light behind your smile
The Poetry Book 