The curbs of death Mark the pavements of my mind And I’m stepping on cracks And what I left behind Coz no one’s exempt I dunno where it all went The love and the fever Do you think that you could just believe her When she shines her light And everything will be alright They are not just grey platitudes of wishes That flit across your mind as you’re washing the dishes And a sudden plate falls from your grasp Ceramic but it shatters like glass All over the hardwood floor Or tiled with patterns you adore And there’s a mess Like a man and woman in undress Fixing pieces together But the target moved and now the weather Is spilling snow Oh, all that you did not know When you were young Was I always this highly strung And a friend permits Me to call it quits On anxious furore Who are they after, who was I before Indeed, was there ever a pre Or is it just me Who clatters the makings of another dawn Something whispers; “they’re not gone”
You’re a hotfire bitch You drive around the town Spitting out air Like I want you around But the Grace has fallen Like a star to earth You try to stick To the old hurt But it don’t last Coz it’s in the past And I don’t hate you But the love is gone (Was it just attachment All along?) And we were young And running through grass How did I know That it wouldn’t last As you would attack Every time I turned my back Take me down Because of what you lack But the sky split the seam And the lightning struck And you can’t read me I’m not a good book So talk or don’t Reach out but I won’t Ever let you in again Go play your tune To some of your men And write me off Is it bad I’m glad Over what I’ve lost
Torturing yourself won’t bring her back And hating yourself won’t cure the lack That bubbles up out of your skin You can’t lose, so you just win And sigh that it’s all predetermined You’re in your seat but you’re squirming With the uncomfortableness of it all John Mayer and the free fall That was 2012 Time to take a deeper delve And stand your sacred ground As you hear the sound Of tomorrow on the breeze Not all men come to leave Only the shadows knocking on your door Repeating the refrain of you don’t love me no more But it’s just an ancient pain Playing on repeat again To make a symphony out of the sound Of the love and faith abound In the green green grass of home My love, you are never alone
The power of my voice I speak and it’s not by choice It’s like God has hold of my tongue And I surrendered to Him when I was young Now he commands more than I can believe I let Him move me and it relieve The pressure that’s been building Up in my soul Does a wave know it’s water When it starts to roll Only to crash back into the sea Never really leaving the vicinity Of ocean all the time I thought I could call the people mine But they turned on me and the desire Burned in me like sulfurous fire Always aching to reach out beyond They lock me up and I abscond Only to be returned to the same place again The bathroom floor and me are great friends And it is cool against my cheek Do you remember that time I got weak And collapsed in front of the class I didn’t know the Revelation last Now I’ve got vines pulling at my hands I’ve got an hourglass and it’s slipping sand But does God just turn it when the time runs out So He can achieve without any doubt And is there a way I can transcend Something about the riverbend And being open to what you don’t know I held on so tight, now I let go And the winter can’t stop me loving the snow His hand connected with the wrong side of a blow And I was felled just like a tree Except it didn’t really happen to me Just some grass in the forest I don’t know what I’m doing, if I’m being honest But the road is paved, the path is beaten And I can’t avoid the moment I meet Him There in the woods of ill repute You wear a dress, I’ll play the flute And music will last for the whole night I look up and grin because I am alright
Are we all just slowly burning fuses And I dance in the garden with all the muses But they never seem to inspire me They just tire of me As I sing the same old tune The feel of you being in the room When it all went down Now you’ve got the crown And they could call you king or god But you’re not the name I call when I need the Lord The one who never fails to show He picks up what you let go What you saw as infantile Just makes my Jesus smile And I was in the undergrowth When he saw me start to slow And he grabbed my hand Showed me how he understand All of my multiplicity Never calling fake on me Just chameleon to fit the shape Of what I need to escape The rotary burn of the wheel That crushes how the people feel With their own doing nice And old age doesn’t come twice If it’s what you need And we all bleed So there’s no need to cut What you fear in another’s shut Door to your open green Don’t you see that life’s a scene Playing out on the screen of us So I open up my closed heart and trust And it’s a white knuckle ride, my boy You were a sort of joy I found on Twitter Do I just end up bitter Coz I never had what you say Is pertinent in the going away That we’ve all been through There’s nothing like the magic of you
Stuck in ‘08 It was my date with fate As it led me to your door Did you want me more More than I can attest And we’re both fully dressed But I feel your eyes rake over me Like we’re naked with destiny Just us and the come what may And you fill up the gaps in what I cannot say But it’s subterfuge and we’re resting in hiding But there’s something of love that is all abiding Now you’re sharing your soul with someone else With skin so thin you could make a heart melt With the fire that burns off you It seared a part of me too And I can’t change the fact of you I’m not the same and neither are you But we both kinda are Like the atoms forged in a star Or the matter that make time and space Bend the equivalent of the human race To the tune of light refract I never said no but I still want you back Standing outside my window It’s true there were days that I looked at him, though And I cannot deny my feelings were real With the depth of the red that he deal An ace of hearts And mine almost starts To beat double time He was the essence of fine As he’d crack a smile in my direction Like he’s open to cards if I make selection And he lives just across the hall And he kinda caught the ball When I threw it at him Is it a decision I cannot win Coz I love them all The truth in my own freefall
It’s threadbare, the stitching of us We’re nothing if not broken trust Coz you swallowed the bullet I handed to you You stitched the thread and pulled it through And the chandelier shatters on the floor How could I hate what I adore As he drives a splinter into my soul And it’s just a memory, the being whole Coz it cascaded And the beauty faded Into a midnight of ill repute And there’s that picture of him in a suit But he moved on, he forgot me It’s like a rope and the fibres knot me Into a thread I long to fray Is everything thing okay? But he turns away and the darkness reigns The years of doing things in vain And trying to get back to the level playing field I watched them sway in the wind and yield Down by the lake And do you know what love forsake When it took him from me Like the ocean to the sea In wondrous tones I always end up alone Though I’ve got friends and I’ve got family But in the dead of night there isn’t any way You can avoid the dark Just waiting for that holy spark To light the fuse Why did you think you were something I could use? Maybe it was the song And d’ya know, you weren’t wrong
Incognito window, I’m under the radar I don’t know about the force or Darth Vadar But I know that I can make planets spin With the love that’s inside and the peace within And it’s all blowing leaves off the trees There are no words for the wonder it frees When the weight just drops The what you are’s in the space the love’s got And I am not a mountain but I am not hill I can move power with the strength of will And she never helped me out But I guess that’s just the space in doubt To be forgotten or held so close Do you see through what I love the most Or must I just let it die Not be afraid to spill tears and cry Over what is yet to come And a woman takes away the man’s son What can you do but acquiesce The movement’s in the way you dress And shoulder weight like diamond mines I’d let it go coz it’s fine In the sunshine and the rain I don’t think that I can do this again So I relinquish the right to be wrong And open heart into a song To make it alright again I give up on the world you spin
Am I about to dive into the rabbithole scene I haven’t felt love like this since it was just a dream And his words are fuckin’ insane But I still remember his name And the way his hair curls around in locks The way he walks a palace that time forgot And shows me in mornings what’s up for the day At least that’s what she said when I asked her, okay? And you know in the quiet what’s left to be said You’re always making your home where you lay your head And find something honest and real and true That was just with them and now it’s with you In the maybes you ache as you shout a refrain I love the hope of you and I walked through the rain To be the storm centre, the very eye Take care of yourself and make sure you don’t die At least for another fifty or so years Make art out of pain when the canvas is tears And look up to the heavens when the sky clears I drink one to you when I’m having my beers I’ll laugh out loud and simply guffaw When I’m running from stares and the vacancy law That seems to hold court and company I don’t know about you but I’m down on one knee Professing my love to the moon and stars Do you remember the days when it was prison bars And nothing meant anything to anyone you know Now you wave at me as I watch you go With the train that has taken you from the station I guess congrats are in order for the celebration Of all you have earned that is duly yours And I know you could say that this is all words When I never make it out of the snowstorm that snaps Full of whodunnits and who gives a craps And at least if I’m honest I’ll say this to you You gave perfect a spin now the ancient is new Now the midnight is dawn and all the renew You cut fabric in strips out of jeans that are blue So you’ve something to wear when the darkness escapes And teach me the truth that not all heroes wear capes
She made a run for the dash A finish line of I want cash And it was as though I was the bank No one there you gotta thank And she drew from me the ebb and the flow Til I conceded to let her go And it was not without reservation But I’m not tuned to that tv station And really sad could be a description But it wasn’t I who forced the eviction As she moved my hand to sign the ink The sign on the wall said “think” And I fell apart in the ruins of us It was as though I couldn’t trust Even my step to hold firm And I know there are things to learn But you had me in close by the soul Til you told me that you don’t roll With the punches like I do And I have to Accept that you Are distancing and space in between What was summer is now just a dream I had at fifteen I let you go and leave the scene
It was just a random Tuesday I walked back to school There was nothing happening All was cool All was fine And that was the last time I was free of the knowledge that You were gone I haven’t thought about it in so long I came in the gate The sun was shining I wasn’t late And I walked round the corner Met Natalie She looked with crying eyes at me Expecting me to know I panicked as I realized truth Was hitting me again in youth Who? Who? And she let the name go I was reeling with the blow And we passed each other by I stared at the sky All I could think was Where’s my school bag I have to get my stuff Why is it so important What I’m not thinking of And we gathered in the Oratory Like a smashed piece of glass And one of the girls hugged me She sat beside me in class And all I could think of Is you love And I try not to feel The sensation I lean on the others For consolation And I caught my maths teachers eye As my sister fell into my arms to cry And he looked away There was nothing to say Coz how do you deal with it Death, the punch One minute you’re fine Just coming back from lunch Next minute the Chaplain Has us all in a bunch And I didn’t cry The tears wouldn’t come And you were just So young, so young And I shut off my feelings For the next fifteen years Coz I haven’t lost you If I don’t cry the tears And hold it all together But the sky is rainfall And loss is the weather And I try to recall So I won’t forget Every memory of you That’s fresh in my mind yet And what would you say To us all I have the faith That you’re not gone at all But watching over us And blessing the ground That we walk You hear every sound And catch every weep I take tablets to help me to sleep As I fall asunder Is it any wonder But something in me just holds you fast You’re in our hearts so you haven’t really passed And I’m finally opening the doors to talk About the confidence in your walk And the way you just breeze on through I hope that you know I still miss you And that I still feel your light on days I find you in quieter ways As you whisper your love in the moment I break I let it go for God’s sake
Diesel is desire And if there’s a spark it’ll catch fire And explode I didn’t know the less travelled road Was a trail to blaze Oh, all the cities I raze To the ground Just to hear the sound Of tomorrow’s bells Will we all burn in hell As we make hell on earth Poison the soil we call dirt Then throw it at each other Coz we can’t grow from it, brother
Love, he reaches out to you And, God, I don’t know what to do But I move my feet To the tune of his beat And it’s not quite a dance Coz it’s woken from the trance And music don’t sound the same But I vibrate to the holy name Of the one who saved my life Not once but more than I’d like And I’ve been relegated in the extreme But it’s only within the dream
My Jesus opened the door He let me see that there’s something more Beyond the chasm of calls The teaching of words, the world’s enthralled And I was on my knees begging to sky Watching someone I love slowly die Why don’t you do something, where are you But you took her and put me through Some kind of hell What is it the story that you tell That the Almighty is all that exists Then why did you put me on your list And it’s a sudden awning pain Like the cold when you’ve been out in rain And I’m on the floor With my head resting against the door And a sudden spark ignites Wherefrom did all these lights Appear And I hear her say, my dear Like she always did when she was alive And her flowers didn’t survive But something she planted did, God knows It’s been living in me and it shows So I wash my face, dry my tears And I’ve been holding it in for years and years And it’s finally singing a song My Lord, you did nothing wrong And it’s more than a future reunite It’s a love that holds you in the night When you’re punching the air Cursing all that isn’t there But something new is born The moment that the fabric’s torn
It was shallow water And I waded in deep I stayed up all night When everyone was asleep Just to write love letters to the stars And you know my prison bars Were something I could see around Did she make a sound When she crossed the floor And I used to adore The ground she walked on Til I became something she talked on And I swore I would keep something secret It’s not like bread, you cannot eat it Only muse on what you have become And it was dark and I was young But she showed me the light As I exploded into kryptonite Shattered glass on the floor But I wanted more Than just some addendum you throw a bone Maybe I’m better off all alone Or with the ones I can stand I hate to say it but it was underhand The way you tore me down I played the thief, you played the clown And you know I felt sorry for you Despite what you put me through As I diary entries that I can’t speak You hit me hard and I was weak And the fire seemed to catch I left the room, you left the latch Open like I’m coming through But we lost what I had with you
Writing my storm
Well, at least I'm warm
Coz the thunder rumbles
And the lightning cracks ground
And I can feel the heat surround
As the cold front meets it match
An opposite in a roof of thatch
As it sets fire to what it knows
And it's, you know, anything goes
And I've destroyed everything I once had
I speak my mind and I feel bad
But at least I'm living
Is it time for more forgiving
Of the grudge match I keep with her
Coz I'm mad at what we were
As she'd take a little pick
And chip away at me, so to speak
Carving out a Michelangelo
From all the places I will not go
Til suddenly the dial it spins
And she's cast from my withins
In a door slamming shut on time
I can't acquit you for this crime
Coz if I did you'd do it again
And I don't know if I can call you friend
As you take what you used to know
And sacrifice it on the go
On an altar you worship days
And I'm confused in so many ways
Coz I thought we were cool but I resolve
Not to be a problem to solve
But the answer I've always craved
I guess it's Heaven and the unsaved
The night came down on my like an evening
There was a day when I stopped believing
In all that I'd been taught to know
Coz it don't explain the way that you go
And I stand there looking
But it's to no avail
And there is a moment
When all words fail
And all that's left
Is the tears
And I cry them
For years and years
With no break in the monsoon
And when I'm alone in my room
I can express what you mean to me
And how we have our date with destiny
I held on tight
But nothing can extinguish the light
Once it has started to burn
I finally realise why the world must turn
I stumbled across the room Toward my bedside table I say pull yourself up By your bootstraps if you’re able But this loss is quenching It burns every fuse I get up to know I’ve everything to lose As we are feeble Matchstick people And we pray for salvation Under a steeple But it does no good (Or maybe it do) All that I know Is that I lost you In the avenues of a house With many rooms You were seventy seven And He took you too soon So I walk with a limp Or something defective I try to be brave But my attention’s selective As I hope for deliverance From the decree That say time And Death are tracking me Down and I swim But the moment paused And I met him As I threw back and laughed With the full of my heart And I gave it away In full not in part Now he lives his life And I count the days We have on a clock We don’t get no replays Except that it all happens now I stir and wake myself up somehow From the dream that had been a spool It’s called enlightenment and it’s hella cool As I dance round the school In my old fashioned jeans And we’re all queens Of our own domain I took a breath And accepted the pain Temporary as it may be It’s life and it’s talking to me
To cry is not the measure of love When I think of them I look above And put a hand on my chest They are the souls that know me best And though our time together in form ran out That you exist is beyond all doubt As I read between all the lines Have trust and faith in the Divine To carry our rivers out to the sea I don’t feel you’ve really left me But stand beside me day by day Making sure I am okay Like you always did when you walked with me Driving cars and drinking tea Or playing drafts til the light went down By the fire or in town And I know, I just know that you’re still here Like all of the things that I hold dear Never to be put away Not just something people say But real and true in honesty There’s no ending of you and me But forever as a side by side You’re as near to me and always alive As when we shared the kitchen space I’ll always cherish your beautiful face And the love for me that you gave I pray midnights and by day For your soul to be free and near I still sense your presence here As you hold my hand and wake me up When I’m in sadness like it’s not enough And the waves of grief don’t consume Coz I still feel you in the room Guiding me on and forth Connecting my spirit with the source Of all life that we share Thank you for always being there
We became like two dogs snarling In the days I called you darling And you spit your words out at me I let you go free Like we’re aching from our history You and the mystery As ages pass us by And we love but we don’t know why And we fight and we try But we can’t forgive the lie And you smile but it’s faint and half hearted And I just remember when we started And how it is so different now I still see you through the wind somehow
We could have a fifty year stand And I could live with holding your hand But I could never be bound to profess That I’m anything more than this minidress And what I’m meaning to confess Is that I reach for you in my distress But I don’t see forever in your eyes Because, you know, everybody dies And I lost him at seventeen When I wasn’t even in the dream Just walking back from lunch Ignoring that petty hunch That had you sidelines and sideways I don’t care what anybody says Anymore coz they’re all liars And I’ve set one too many fires Under who I’m meant to be I’ve grown up but still don’t see And the diagrams all refract The way you can’t get people back Once you’ve lost your hold on them If I could would I live it again? Just to feel the same old pain If you walk on grass do you curse the rain That made it green and fresh It’s been years but I don’t forget
Is marriage the line I cannot traverse And I can only watch them rehearse And get ready for the big day Pretend I don’t care anyway When all I love is walking down the aisle And seeing you turn and spill a smile Into my eyes eternally But you’re looking at her, not me And I shouldn’t be jealous Or covet what’s hers It’s just you were mine Amongst the firs As we make Heaven Come down to Earth And I wash away The pain that you hurt With, to you and many Now I see her in your gaze And there isn’t any Anything I can do to change The way the molecules rearrange To the sound of sulfur on your breath Tinged with my greatest regret
Is this goodbye Now I’m letting go Of the pain that had me Wedded to you, you know And every tale I keep in a locket Is a symbol of How they forgot it Coz the season changes And time renews And what’s bad in the morning Becomes old news I click my heels together When I hear your name It’s been an ocean And I won’t be the same But loving you slightly Will always be Taking a dram Of straight destiny
Like a bottle of vitriol I keep on call Like I’m talking to crowds And then to the wall Coz I’ve got this pulse That hammers my veins And I keep hearing quotes And magnificent refrains That call me to be Something new And I don’t owe anything To the memory of you Coz I fight with the dream The fabric I’d crafted I remember the moment That you felt I laughed at All you could not be And you always said You were jealous of me And I kept it like a secret Honor bound Til you changed your tune And the sound Turned to clashing symbols I’m covering my ears Waiting for the air to clear And tell me that I’m Safe again And I found dew drops In the eyes of men To patch up What you tore of me But I love them honest So I set them free To keep what I’d taken In circumstance But they always Ask me to dance And I can’t say no But where would you go If you knew the truth The black mark that became my youth All because I Splintered the prose And you simply Took another road That lead you down An avenue Don’t say that you miss me Coz I don’t miss you And I’m not gonna lie And say it’s okay I still remember The pain of that day And the weeks and months And years to follow When what had been full Suddenly seemed hollow And I can’t say that you Carved out a mark Coz there are no forms In the magnificent dark Only the feeling That all is well Is it time To show and tell
Do you really want to know what lies in Ghost City It’s all victimhood and self pity As the doors all swing shut And I’m obsessed with the land my heart abuts Because it’s never right now, it’s always tomorrow And I make a living out of sorrow As I trek to nowhereland Do you know life’s made of sand And the hourglass holds your hand As it quietly evaporates You can journey through many states But the most valuable just might be The ones that require integrity To get through intact Is it a sin I don’t want you back And forgiveness flows through my veins But I’ve spent years in imaginary chains Thinking of what you did to me Constructing some kind of history That makes sense of the haunting tone When I’m in my room all alone But it’s always been with me As I grapple with intensity And let people believe the lie That death is when people cry
There’s just this peace And I know that it should really cease When I’ve lost someone But love is not done And expands from out my heart As quick as a skip rhythm part And in time with tune There is a presence in the room That announces this It is more than a first kiss
Ijust wanna protect her And I’m so mad that he’d reject her And ruin her starlit shine It’s kind of like the light that used to be mine And now she sings of a defeat, years ago I close my eyes because I should not know But I do I still feel you In the cobwebs of my mind Kind of like a secret I’ve left behind And we tangled up our avenues I sing of heaven without you And innocence lost She paid the price but at what cost
Losing the love of my life I always wanted to be his wife And I’m unscripted, I’m undue And I’m running from anything but you Coz you’ve got lashes, you’ve got hair You’ve got Presence amid the being there And I smile and I laugh And you catch another raft As it shoots out into the world You’ve got a life, you’ve got a girl And I would never want to interfere It’s just I love you always, dear In the moments come unbidden Amid all that remains hidden In butterflies and in cymbal clash The rain comes to pour on me and lash Out down from the heavens I’m kicking stones hooked up to sevens As a day each week that passes Could be enough to outclass us And I know you’ve got your sonnet ring It’s just you don’t know everything Not half as much as you profess to contain Must I hear you again explain All I am in neat little quotes Must I be student to take notes And hear once more what you say It’s all in the going away But what if I choose to remain A dash of paint to upskill the rain As it colours the window grey But we live in Ireland so come what may In brutal asides and centerfolds The path we walk is made of gold And must we unknow the way To mean what the people say In amounts that fall due And I’m so taken with the fire of you As you tip your hat to another trope And I’m just driving by the coast With the sound of sea in my ears I brush away the errant tears That make lanes from my eyes To mirror that of rainy skies In all that I profess is true It’s pure in love and it’s with you
I’ve tried And I can’t make it work I know love Isn’t meant to hurt And all of this Bending myself into shapes While the hero of the story Quietly escapes It shows me that The grass ain’t green And you can’t make Heaven Out of a dream All the flimsy material To wrap around Your idiosyncrasies And your distinct sound That I hear From far away But there’s nothing You can say To explain What you’ve ripped I guess you could call it A head trip Coz it really Messed with my mind But it’s okay I’m leaving it behind And you can have An opinion or two Just know that I Will never belong to you
You’re in the past But the feeling’s still present I wonder if I could Knock on your door guessing Wondering If you’d let me in And I would explain Everything about him That it was momentary A flash in the pan But you are everything That I am And I’d pause and then say Wait for you to reply Hope we could be close Before we both die Coz life is so brief It’s barely a flicker I ran after you Your steps just got quicker Til you slowed yourself down To the sound of my voice Say, I didn’t know That there was a choice And look at me In a sort of awe I’m sorry I’m lovely And kind of outlaw And you take forever Just to answer Say, I took you for love Not a dancer And I beg you to listen With the words that I say It’s just I’ve never been heard In quite that way And the silence is deafening But so is the noise And I’ve been all about men And one of the boys But you take time To really know me I give you space As we walk so slowly Into a garden That none suspect I thought our love And the whole thing was wrecked But you say it’s not And you press my pulse Into my wrist As the lightning dulls The terrifying pain Of being right here And not knowing what To say to you, my dear But there is just an always In between us it resides And my heart’s the kind of thing That simply abides In the summer, in the winter Trundling through the snow I loved you so much I let you go But if you really Want to be right here Then I am waiting For you, my dear The doors unlocked And you have a key So no need to go Second guessing me No need to go drawing A line in the sand Just look into my eyes And hold my hand And feel my heart Beating tremor It’s just like you’ve Found true love forever
The age of yesteryear
Reminds me of how things should be
I see myself running through fields
Endlessly free
I see myself bog bound
As we bring home the turf
I see myself in Delphi
As we learn how to surf
And I can't hold onto the weight
Of passing time
I can't isolate a memory
And call it mine
And I'm flicking through pages
Though substance be naught
I'm dreaming of sages
In a net where I'm caught
And they call it samsara
Or the endless spin
They call it karma
But can you let love in
To break across the landscape
Like a sunset to dawn
Can you finally realise
A state where pain is gone
Photo by Iwan Shimko on Unsplash.com
I hate the pain Isn’t that what they say But I couldn’t have had it Any other way And you kick your shoes Up in the dirt I never knew love Could make you hurt But I hold you fast And pray that this moment last But it was never enough To quench my thirst I’m a fire burning embers As we argue across the genders That seem to have accumulated between us I dunno, do you think God dreamed us Up into a sort of creation It’s more than winter by the station It is summer kissing booths Reliving the passion of our youth But I’m all but done with photo albums I feel the pound of beating drums Calling me back to your door And I fainted on the floor Yes, right out of my standing To the dreams that they are handing Out like they’re truth And you just take aim and shoot Your bullet at my heart Your aim is good, I feel the dart Strike me sharp and true Am I marked with the brand of you Or am I forever effervescent Meeting you in essence I let the fire go But I still burn with it, you know
Dazzling star I want to sing you a song That you could never ever put a foot wrong That you are sitting so high in the sky And I’m gonna love you til the day that I die And you are so shy but you’re strong and secure And my God do you reflect something pure As it’s dancing in your eyes like a moon on a lake And all these cobblestones I will forsake As I make my way to you once more Do you think he’d be behind the closed door And all I’d have to do is knock I sure think he still loves me a lot And gentle is the sound that you resound You give me the feeling of solid ground And I wish to hold you but you’re far away Probably making loads of other people’s day Like you shone in mine for a while I will never forget the smile You smiled at me when I stopped at your place I hold dear that look on your face And what a night, it is billowing smoke And I’m older now and more prone to joke Around just a little bit And boy were you looking fit! But it’s more than that and I think you know Yours are fields I would love to go And lay down in the meadow and contemplate the stars A billion lights to show me what you are And hold your hand or lift up your head Do you think I could love you instead? Instead of this incessant wandering around I think you were the home that I found
Craving that sugar rush And you were my favorite crush And you smile and I see stars Running and I’m chasing cars Down the street like a dog and its tail You know that you’re bound to fail When you set yourself up like that And I know I want you back But you use a poké attack And I’m left standing on my own After I left my colours shown Wondering why with so little a endeavor At civility, I could never Understand just why and when And I’m always hoping to see you again But I just don’t get men Coz you shout then you wish I was there I ask for your love and you say you don’t care And you’re harsh and unpleasant and drive me away Did you mean to sabotage my stay? Or were you just anticipating the leave I watch you silent and I believe That there’s more to you But I just don’t know what to do As I let your hand go to your side And I’m okay but I think you have cried Will you remember this for me I loved you so I set you free
Am I just gonna have to let you go Coz there doesn’t seem to be any way to know That you are here and you are there And you know I’ll always care As the forest closes in on the memory of us And I dunno where to place my trust As the ages all fold one into the other You’re my soulmate, yeah you’re my brother And I really hope that you’re well But there doesn’t seem to be any way to tell Except just to live in the light And pray to God that you’re alright
I trudged through the snow I am miserable or don’t you know No reply Why on earth does everyone die My feet crunch the ground I savor the essence of unreciprocated sound I mumble aloud And relish the silence away from the crowd And grumble two tone Why do you always leave me alone? It’s always like this Together for a moment and then you just miss All the ways you felt complete The gravel groans beneath my feet As I haul the bin up the hill If only love was an effort of will I could turn this around But emptiness is the only sound And I cherish the day He looked in my eye and then looked away It’s in a video reel And for years anger is all that I feel How dare you take him away There’s no point reaffirming that he cannot stay But the eyes are all empty as I look for a reason A kind of vacancy that is all out of season Perhaps my misery Will prove how much he meant to me But the anguish just twists And I merely coexist With the essence of death Counting each in and out of my breath Or heartbeat It’s iambic pentameter against my feet Anyway I don’t believe in what they say They’re all crying And then proclaim Heaven is for the dying
Flashback, it’s been twenty years So I question my thoughts and dry my tears To the age of youth And the darkness of day the sun didn’t suit But I found him there, among the ashes and the rubble He looked at me and burst my little bubble And I give thanks to what once I hate The God of Love to make me irate By stealing all I could call my own I’m lying in bed and praying for home But it never comes Oh, the trauma of being young I’m undone And somehow I feel this song has been sung By someone Years before I begun It’s getting old Like the body I hold And the days are all long Then suddenly short And all of the principles that I exhort Prove to be vain And I stand outside in the pouring rain To catch the air Do you believe in the power of prayer To let go into Can I be Something more Than destiny Because this body I wear Is all athletic and long brown hair Do you resonate With what is only a temporary state We’re all on the move From the moment of spark to the point that I prove What have you got to lose Only the worldview you live to excuse What don’t you settle here Under a tree as it breathes you clear
I snap out of it Is to give in the same as to quit And I’m going with it A sort of defiance I never admit But the beer bottle’s empty and I’m reaching for wine I am the queen of a helluva time But really it’s empty coz I cannot decide Which stop is my own if this life is a ride I breathe in the air And think of the way he suddenly stare A moment out of time Like immortal just stepped out of line And my gumption and war I don’t know what this is for As I twirl his name On my fingernails like it’s just the same As yesterday He pierced the veil then went away And I love him so But goodbyes around every corner, you know And I wish and hope He’s found someone real, something cool, something dope But anyway Returning to that which I cannot say It hit me like light And set a fire to ignite And I’m all the trees The wood of could you ever believes And I see his face A recognition no time could erase To be angry at God Give him back to me again, oh Lord But it doesn’t work that way Apparently and what I say Falls on deaf ears And is it just temper to coax the tears Until I can’t stop them and they pour as rain I’m awake in the night all over again To be left behind Is to spend some time trapped in your mind
But He woke me up And He called that love Though I can’t express What I’m thinking of Caught in a decider So perfectly fate And the present moment Means you don’t wait But I’m always counting time On the watch, on the clock that isn’t mine Do you think it could be That we all live eternally In some dimension In a realm of time that by extension Means we don’t have to suffer And I’m always thinking of her And what I’ve lost I sob til the tears exhaust My futile will It’s everything that must fill The pail of water to the brim I remember when it was the two of them Under the sun By the gate They wouldn’t approve Of me in this state But how am I To know the reason that they die If I don’t weep It’s kind of like some bargain I keep But it’s letting me go The pain and the suffering you know And pay testament to The Heavenly I found in you And remember quiet That I don’t have to try to defy it Only surrender Maybe love is what I engender
Do you have to hide a part of yourself To be in relationship with And I’m all Sarcastic wit But do you think you could love me For my flaws Instead of the sun The icicle thaws But the feeling gnaws And eats me up for dinner But I’m seeing through the sinner As the light reflects kaleidoscopically There’s a mountain to every valley And I look down from mine At all the colors that make the sun shine And I remember Skipping a beat The moment that I felt the heat As you hold your eyes on me And I lose it all by degree Do you think you could hold my hand And live up to what we had planned But I tore down the picture Wouldn’t live by the stricture Of a voice that commands Is that what it means to love a man I’d rather be alone But I still stare at my phone And the quiet it imbues The door slams as I sing the blues And I know there’s better than this I’m sorry I didn’t think to miss The last line of the song Stop telling me that I’m wrong
It's not that easy
All this having to let you go
I didn't think
I'd have to do it, you know
I thought we could
Go on forever
But now every endeavour
Speaks of you
As you go on with your life
And ardent devotion over strife
Seems to capture my days
And there are so many ways
To miss what we had
And to regret
What turned out bad
Could you forgive
If I live and let live
And consent
To being the presence
Where heaven went
I saw Jesus in your eyes
Did I ever tell you so
Well I wasn’t supposed to
So I guess that’s a no
And I’d always loved
My hidden Saviour
He never reprimanded
Me my behaviour
Only spoke softly
To point out the way
Picked me up from the earth
When it wasn’t going away
And for a moment
I thought you had stole
The power of safety
The man in my soul
So I turned away
Only to hide
I’ve got to keep
My Jesus alive
But there’s an impending
Crucifixtion
I wonder can you read it
In my diction
The one who’s troubled
And the one who sees
Share the same place
And so I grieve
For I am only
Occupancy
For all that I
Will never be
Til a different movement
Takes my hand
Collapse the ground
Upon which you stand
Collapse the mount
You made yourself
For it can’t be done
By anyone else
Lost to the ravages of time
Was the golden that used to be mine
That holy light
I’d touch the air and ignite
Now, no more
Every knock upon a closed door
But like she said
When different demons were in my head
Sometimes the way
Is made so you can’t even say
Yes to this or no to that
All you know is you can’t go back
In your dusty boots
Stumbling the rest of the route
Any water, please?
No, my dear, learn how to grieve
In the arid sun
I guess there’s still a Golden One
My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need
I know I can be a little abrasive
But if we’re talking flaws then you are evasive
Always dodging the questions I ask
Deciphering answers is quite a task
But one that I love to enjoy
You know I’m a girl? You’re just a boy
And you could never reach the tower I height
But if you are nice I’ll let you alright
And the view can be a double time
Instead of the solitary that is mine
Because being the best is a lonesome thing
When there’s no one to sit with you while you sing
And if you wouldn’t mind taking part…..
I’ll give you my jacket if you give me your heart
I’m angry at you for stealing time
From me with you that should be mine
Before death takes you finally
I want to have you here with me
To love and to have and hold
I want to see you growing old
And grey haired man the boy I met
I promise I will not forget
You’re full of love for the things you create
But I’m a place you can’t dominate
Though you may be king of the dormant domain
There are lands over which you don’t reign
And there is a motion that sits in the river
I will not make up for what you can’t give her
Struggle in the tide of a crocodile spin
When you cry tears there’s no way you can win
As I incline my head to that which you know
Don’t blame me for the feet you walk as you go
My hands are off the wheel of your car
But I’m still aware of who you are
Don’t bother faking the remorse
I’m sure time will have it run its course
And you don’t need to half ass what you feel you should say
I don’t believe you anyway
I’m sure you’ll buy her a real nice ring
And make the song hit the notes and everything
But you’ll never have me sign the sheet
To annul your previous fall and defeat
At the hands of a lesser God
I’ll watch you leave without a word
But don’t you dare look back
Its a permission that I lack
You’ve got loads of criteria for me to attain
But you can’t laugh at the sun and expect it to rain
As if I would give you all of my shine
So you could have a sword and take what is mine
Just another trophy to sit on your shelf
Add to the list to which she is as well
Narrow my eyes in suspicious slits
I guess I always expected no better than this
And if one and only has nothing to declare
Then you would have always been there
Instead of passing the parcel to other hands
Then claim you were true to your ancestors lands
Don’t make me laugh at your attempts
To sidle away and throw deference
I may be small but I’m fast as the wind
And I’m not merely an attenuation of him
To play the kind part of forgiving queen
Who holds in her heart the way it has been
And finds a way to live to pretend
If she just holds it in then it will come to an end
But no corseted lady am I
And there are things for which I would die
Rather than stage wise just lose breath
Over the things I cannot forget
I will not hold what is not for my soul
And if it’s by decision then was that all?
For will cannot paint what is by design
And what comes back will always be mine
And somehow I fear that there lies a string
Connecting me to everything
I feel the tug and then the pull
And life with you would never be dull
But I have a wryness in my smile’s edge
And it can’t help but turn up at the things that you said
As I, to my own supreme shame
Find myself redeemed by saying your name
As you with your talk and your wheedling charm
Find no shortage of girls to rub against your arm
And console and commit to the rogue in you
It’s just so enticing, the hole they fall into
As I watch from the cliff with my chin in my hands
Surveying the lay of the land as it stands
It’s so comical if it didn’t hurt
And when I tickle the humour it only gets worse
As I admit grudgingly that I admire
The divine devotion that you inspire
Least of all in one like me
How did this finger trap come to be?
But the authority returns from whence it came
And I’ll always be in the space I remain
Never moving, never knowing what lies beyond
The passage of time that is already gone
As I tip my hat to the extreme
And the pain without which I would not have seen
That all is illusion except what is real
And there is a peace even you cannot steal
Closing my eyes to the forest of trees
That is a life of you without me
In a place where existence is the only repose
I already am the thing that I chose
I have the FOMOODs, I can’t tell you what that means
Only that it is full of all my could have beens
That I spied on my head when I lay directly under
Stars of your making, just behind the thunder
In a field full of grass because I’m not afraid of rain
I got to see the sky held beneath the pain
And the smile that cracks the sunlight in your eyes
I was there to see the truth so don’t tell me that it’s lies
Because you can’t explain your way out of an escape
And I could be your hero, with or without the cape
Though I do not claim to fly or burn bullets with my vision
I can see right through you and do so with precision
As you surreptitiously suppose things that may come to be
You may not know it yet but you’re still looking for me
In all of the crevices and clothes that you pile under
You can’t run away now that I have your number
To ring up and to dial like I am death himself
We’re only counting days until we see there’s something else
So whatever you may find I know that it will ring
The bells of a tomorrow when you give me everything
And sacrifice your soul on the alter of this love
All I want is you and what you pointed out above
So, letters to the incomplete that never get returned
What do you do with them, after reading are they burned?
For what could you want with the musing of a child
Unless I was right and you’re not just in my mind
But real and exist beyond the combings of the ether
You got me alone so it gave me a breather
To know what it was like against my worser will
To stand by your side, fearfully still
Afraid to even move to disturb the interruption
Of the volcano that you are in the midst of my corruption
Of the wild flowers in fields, so delicately strong
They outlast the others that are long since gone
In all my misery and in all your fevered might
I think you held my heart and I let you see the light
That pulses to a beat that I cannot contain
Though it just gets louder when I feel that you’re in pain
Til crumbling and falling like a building to the ground
I pray for a silence to overtake the sound
But just like you, I cannot unhear
The power of the presence that I felt draw near
When we wore matching soles to skip across the dust
I used to believe in God, now you’re where I place my trust
And I know that in time you will give in to see
What has always been, before you, finally
I didn’t want to admit you were right about me
Cause it hurt too much that you had seen the truth
And you were willing to give me all of you
In recompense for what had happened to me
And I said no
I can do it alone
I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone
I’m just fine
And it was sort of true but a lie at the time
Cause when you matched puzzle pieces right to the marks I had made on my skin
I said no, I don’t want to let you in
And when you said “I would do just about anything for you”,
I turned you away because I knew you would
And I would lose you some day one way or another
Through my fault or your own or death taking us under
And I couldn’t let it in
No, I couldn’t let it in
Cause a world without you does not exist
And I want to do more than merely subsist
And now you don’t love me cause I threw it away
Well you sorta do, in the back of your mind kind of way
Cause you love everyone, even though you hate them passionately
You just wanna grow into all you’re meant to be
And I know you will
Well you already have
Why does it feel so bad?
Am I really this invisible to you
I am red like fire but you are a dark blue
And I really wish you were the one that got away
But you gave birth to a love that was made to stay
And I know that you’re obsessed with everything female
And you loved the feeling of losing your chainmail
But just cause you aggregate the sum total of causes
Doesn’t give you accuracy in deciphering pauses
You point out my shallows where you are deep
Sometimes the silence holds more than I know how to speak
And if you judge a fish by its tree climbing strength
Then you’ll never be aware of where the genius went
As you relegate yourself in my eyes
To an outside chance who hop scotches in lies
But the main conclusion that you assume
Doesn’t even come close to what I felt in that room
And you throw aggrandisements like silky spider thread
And it kills me to think of who you take to bed
I know that’s intrusive and I’m not a perfect saint
But I fill in the blanks of the picture you paint
To be so possessive and controlling of my heart
I never thought I’d be the one to make a mark
Or a fine hit, I will assassinate
But I already met you and now it is too late
To be crashed and burned at the hamstrings of your feet
I don’t think they get me, you know they call me sweet
And you’re the only one who really ever understood
That I have a dark side and am not wholly good
At least in this respect as you dangle the bait
I grit my teeth like you do when you make me wait
As the forest and the trees, they all shout your name
I guess that you are right, I am not the same
As I was years ago but you didn’t like
What I offered so I had to make something right
And readjust the sails on the ship that I’m steering
I’m sad you don’t like the things that you’re hearing
As I try my best but it’s falling short
And you tell me so with no remorse
But the burden falls solely into your hands
And you may not like it but you’re the guardian of these lands
In a country that is free, in a garden green
I’m not fooled by the multitudes of people you’ve been
As you promise sanity and a well balanced life
But you hide your truth behind the trenches of a wife
To blockade the arms that are hunting you down
It’s not the same since you left the town
As I wander and I weary where we used to be
And you cultivate the anchorage that keeps you at sea
When all in a moment the silence grabs us both
We are neither sun nor sand, the ocean nor the coast
And fallibility will reign on my parade
I guess I’m just startled by all you put in the shade
With your elegant light and glowing finesse
I seek you out to ease my distress
As you softly imbue your quiet refuge
With a peace I will happily drown in to prove
My loyalty to all you stand for
I’ll take all you have and then some more
The subtlety of your sincere divination
We were both supposed to be at that station
But you never came, no you never arrived
I don’t really know how I survived
The blow that hit me coming in from the west
And I asked God if this was some kind of test
That never seems to end because I never have you
I hope she makes up for what I could never do
Lie out in the openness of unhindered stars
What you had lined up for me were prison bars
Even if you don’t see it I am more than a girl
To frame the picture you take of this world
And to be dressed up for the let down, you see
I knew it would come eventually
When I couldn’t live up to what you’d idealised
I am human and hurt that everything dies
Even you and you especially so
I am not here to keep you from where you want to go
You ask it of me to be ball and chain
But the sacred feminine runs in my veins
To be lifted up and glorified
You are no the lesser because you have tried
To be a man who honours what’s whole
We’re all innocent when it comes to our soul
And laid bare and genuine when it really comes down
To someone we love to be around
And I can feel the longing you ache
The dreams that you enter are the ones I forsake
To divine will, how could one person be
The purpose of life in his mortality
Ever second guessing steps I failed to take
I was looking in your eyes when I felt you shake
And all the world collapsed out from under me
I feel like I am falling but you say I am free
And you may be right but I wouldn’t think so
Still anywhere with you I would be prepared to go
But you watched me from the sidelines like an experiment
And you would push the pulse to see where the blood went
And I know you are gentle and the fragile breaks
But I couldn’t read your mind or preempt my mistakes
That were red flagging my appearance in your mind
As you considered what it would take to leave behind
The penny you picked up dirty from the dust
I don’t know if you felt it when I leaned into the trust
That you inspired by your gentility
Others may have held back but I lacked ability
To contain what was rising from somewhere deep within
Anything that he asks I will give to him
But what I am you already are
And you can’t see yourself even if you try hard
Cause a knife can’t cut itself with its own blade
And I can’t undo the mess that I made
Revolving my inner voice as you supermassive rocket
You can’t apprehend the reason that makes something of it
And my optic nerve leads directly to my brain
And all I can think of is a particular train
And I know that you are bitter in your anxiety
But this is not one sided and you could have talked to me
A delectable flower in the field you passed
But you were blindsided and I didn’t think to ask
What was troubling you as you make your headway
To a goalpost that surpasses what transpired that day
And I wished I could have touched you in the rain
But I owed one to death and you savoured pain
So I give you your due and let it take me
Thank you for the darkness bequeathed infinitely
As I smile at the sadness in your goodbye
I think that you mean it but I don’t know why
There’s a sadness in our laughter
And I can’t make the smile crack my eyes
There’s a pain underneath the surface
And it all feels like lies
Like the truth we cannot grasp
And I want to walk away
But we are now so seldom
Something makes me stay
And all of your excitement
Seems in direct contravention
To the lives that we have lived
And the things we do not mention
But, in truth, I do not blame you
That you kicked off from the shore
It just hurt to know
You don’t love me anymore
I’ve never really understood the term fun
I’ve always been searching for the mythical one
But that’s just a delusion of consciousness
Rather than what prompts me to a state of undress
And I know you bleed red at the edge of your eyes
As I’m pierced by the lance of your previous lies
As you bullet your rocket ship on its course
I can’t sacrifice to ease your remorse
When you left me on the landing and you didn’t care
But took away what once held me there
In vines and twines that could never be rope
But you gave me cause to begin to hope
As I watched the deflections you moved with your stare
Until you saw me catch you and laid it all bare
In an intimacy for which I was not prepared
I’m sorry if I came off a little scared
But the truth is I loved you beyond reproach
And I can’t take it back though they still coach
Me to say things the absence of which
Brings to the fore a doubt that will itch
As their minds run amok amid the scene
Of the decimation that I have been
Points them to decry me to swear off
The cause of what shattered my loss
But I cannot sigh enough tears to mean
That I don’t see the royalty of the king and queen
That we once were and ever are
You are my compass and I your North Star
In the echoes of a landscape we have left behind
Yes you broke me down but I don’t mind
For just one glimpse of your visage
Is worth saying goodbye to all I ever had
The Poetry Book 