There is a space that holds the pain Like the sky holds the rain And it’s a grand expanse Like how the leaves dance In the wind Like how my heart sparkled when he grinned And it’s not just errant love Or the loss of peace or the birth of a dove With an olive branch Sometimes I feel like I live on a cattle ranch Where people are always reigning me in And the bank tells me I must “begin” I dunno, the fuck that means When once upon a time the dreams That were bricks and mortar bound Were found to be unsound And the country was austerified And I’m not sure but I think they lied When the whole thing was on the verge of collapse The whole territory identified on the maps That say where things are But they can’t categorise the star That burns in the midnight blue An old king hidden in the heart of you And they tell you to grow up and they tell you to cop on But I can’t get over what is never gone What just remains In spite of the stains As the tears streak down my cheek I’m in class and I get weak And I feel the faint coming on And I wait too long To steady the ship And some people may shoot from the hip I’ve always been straight down the line I always tell the doctors I’m fine When they doubt what I am I don’t think they have ever heard the can As it’s kicked down the road Doireann Fox asked me because I think it showed And I always wanted to tell her the height of admire Was held in my heart for hers on fire And it’s been so many years And I’ve kicked back with spirits and beers But they never seem to come near To the euphoria and the bliss Of the one thing nobody can miss
The war takes my breath away That people could still think in that way In terms of human animals and sorting knives by their edge The sharpness of the thoughts in their head As they strike their enemy down But what if their enemy lived in this town And they decided to blitz it Because they say that violence fits it And it deserves decimation I think of the train station Where I once met him And the idea is so grim That he would be the men in the verse Where they say women and children first And I have to leave him on the ship Or hands behind his back tied with a zip In a grave at Nasser with nothing to identify I watch as a mother cry And scream over the loss If this is innocence then why do they pay the cost For a button you press And guns they fire, you know the rest I don’t need to elucidate Because I’ve touched the educate In Middle Eastern politics And the lump in my throat still sticks When I hear the students soar And demand that the people in charge do more To prevent what happens to a child Lost somewhere in a wild Wild world Sometimes it’s a blessing to be born a girl
They all called me the literary pen But she said she wouldn’t live it again And I felt flattened, raw Til I was thirty five in the great thaw And it’s an age I haven’t reached as of yet But it’s also something I cannot forget And she was it all to me Twenty years since I saw myself future hence Living with her in the past tense And it cuts like a knife To know that he and his wife Are no longer around And every breath relays the sound Of the emptiness of a chair And the person that once sat there It’s purple and maroon And there was once life in that room And saying goodbye nearly killed my soul So I just roll With the tidal waves And the people nothing saves Except the angels who come to collect The edges of the dreams I have wrecked I lay on the floor Of the bathroom I abhor Near the ward in Roscommon Hospital But there’s nothing soothing about the cross of it all Because I know what’s coming And she half raised this young ‘un And the nightmare is that it’s true And I know there’s is no keeping you Not in the way things were before Then I realised something about you, mo stór My grandmother’s prayers are still protecting me Even when it seems life is rejecting me I have another fifty years to go to reach the age of depart And I thought my whole heart Went with you when you go Didn’t realise it meant that you stay with me though Because the thump thump in my chest Still holds the strings of those I love best And the glass shatters all over the tiles And I pick them up for miles and miles Because there is a coffin across the road And I can’t escape the road That we all must take Til I collapse and wake At the wake And the person I will not forsake Not for all the money or the tea in China Is that all it will take to remind ya That love lasts forever Not a memory of a lost endeavour That sank to the bottom of the ocean And all this emotion Comes in waves Like seasons come in days Slowly, bit by bit I come to know who I’m walking with
How do I write the polarity That is screaming every profanity Through me onto the page And there is a silent rage That just quenches every candle that I light And I throw another draft into the bin coz it’s shite And it doesn’t describe the feeling Of the reeling When you lose someone And that gun Is still going off in my head Because somewhere someone is dead And it’s like I could hear the bang Every time the phone rang To break the news And I’m wearing old shoes That haven’t fit since I was eleven And someone has just gone to heaven And it’s a fine story but I’m not sure I believe it anymore Because I”m still facing the red door That you left behind and that perfume Pervades every single room I ever walk into Everything merged with the scent of you And I just cry into my pillow Because as every weeping willow Knows When it shows The cavalry will come to save And I don’t want to face the brigade I just want to be alone And something cuts me to the bone Every time someone says your name And I think they play piano because it’s a game And they think each note is a chord But you can take me at my word I won’t leave this season behind Not until I’ve driven myself out of my mind Trying to get back to a time before The death of someone I adore
There were years when Paddy Power Looked like a tower That reigned over me Because I would just have to agree With what he would say And pretend that it’s okay To just take the meds And occupy one of his beds In a locked ward Paid for, my room and board And I told him I was fine But he must have thought I was lying Or just crazy, delusional And I just want to prove it all To the mouth that ate my dinner And told me that every sinner Is a measure of what they cannot contain And he drew beaches full of rain Filled with all manner of ghouls And some of the rooms smelled like old primary schools You know the ones with the plastic floors And the heavy doors And the scent of freedom lost Because you must pay the cost Of the society you entertain And I railed against them in vain Because they have the upper hand And while I lie on the sand I must concede the grains Are as innumerable as the tear stains Of the tired and weary And every declaration is something that sears me Like a demon to touch my skin But the biggest tormentor was him In his grey suit And words that pollute The sky I have come to know With clouds so heavy they must be full of snow But I just let it go And become something they don’t know In their clipboard and pen constellation I don’t know what they mean by incarceration Because my soul is free And even though they trap me There is that beyond the garden If I’m the president can I pardon All the souls who can’t lift their eyes And for everyone who dies I will be a beacon of light So that you know the sight Of the sun in the glen The prayer does not end in amen But continues to bequeath It’s messages to those on the street That they are not worthless and empty And I was four and twenty In the young adult programme The people say I hi but I do not know them I am focussed on a different terrain A landscape beyond the name They give to what afflicts me But freedom is my pen and it sticks me To the ground I know Beneath these words is an eternal letting go
I disappear into the silence And it is a form of violence To let no one know That I am letting go Of my tenuous connection to reality For an inoculation from this insanity Everyone clicks like Meanwhile there is a spike In the suicides in the area and I just want to scream It’s the end of somebody’s dream And maybe all they needed was a hand to hold Or someone to have told Them that they’re worth it I wish they didn’t have to hurt, it Is so unfair Because I’ve been there It was in the mists, long ago But I know I know And there’s just this pause When you realise that all is lost And all the compassion in the world Couldn’t save the girl From her fate I ate what was on my dinner plate And they drove me away Storm after storm until I couldn’t say What was winter and what was just plain cold Life’s a bitch when you’re made of gold And everyone craves your Midas touch I told the boy I love him so much But he just tells me to fuck off A few years before a common cough Could spark panic in the collective zone I think I wrecked it on the phone When I tried to pour my heart’s blood Onto a floor that was too good To ever be a non stick pan I just wanted him to know what I am Meanwhile I’m sitting in the ward with Sarah And I care, ah Now she is shaking And all staff are just baking Their cakes in the oven So I stand up to their anti loving And go over and sit with her Put my arm around what we never were And tell her it’s okay She tells me to go away But I stay And I feel it fall into the abyss And the dart shoots but it miss Her beautiful self I died so you could have someone else By your side when the times get rough Isn’t Jesus all about love And psychosis may be a diagnosis But I ghosted that doctor who was too precocious For his own wealth And he can’t categorise my mental health In a trail of ink And the man threw the sink Out of its cage And I rage As we’re baking bread I would stay just to free you from your head And you write in your diary But its a new earth and I’m firey But I won’t burn down Not while there’s still people in this town Got to get them out So I let God have my mouth To utter the Word I let it be and let it be heard
I get this feeling, it’s like an irritation And it has me running to his station To see what I can’t download But the road Turns and I can’t see What he ever meant for me When he changed his tune Turned his head with me in the room And I know I can’t be mad Should let him off with the feeling bad Because I feel the spiral That has somehow gone viral On YouTube And even the coolest dude Is susceptible to The weakness of being open to A failing of words And following the herds Like a basket case That some demon somewhere wants to erase I stepped into the stream And the nightmare of a dream Came to show its face Did I really need to embrace The lowest of form So that I could be warm When he’d look at me I can’t hide the gaze that just see Into mystery And he thinks he so complex and he is so proud Of all that he does not say out loud But its echoing from you Like a ripple as I dip my toe into The river we were Before you met the ocean of her When you plunged into its frigid storm Did you remember the moment we were born In some distant haze Not I look as your gaze Tries to rest on me on the sand But I could never be that land Not when it’s arid and dry And I never did mean to make you cry It’s just I’m plush and green And I take the one seat ahead of the scream That violates lines And you’ve said it before, like a thousand times How you love it when She whispers prayers like an amen And I’m sure you do Pull needles though The jumper you embroider And I hope you enjoy her But don’t blame me for the why The resolve you never had to die In a fiery fuse I look at you two and I just bruise In the place where the picture meets my skin And then I walk into a room and meet him And he’s just like you But a bit more dangerous and outspoken too If that could be real Possible that I could feel That way again In a hall of willing men Who open their palms To me like they are giving alms To the girl I was for what I’ve become I was beautiful when I was young
There was Darragh in the city And I felt him with me And I hope he's happy and free And I wonder does he ever think of me And if he does what does he surmise Does he think that all we had were lies Or faint veins of lines That mapped the land so undefined I wish I could set the record straight But I just wait and wait and wait And long to be your Jess I saw you converse and I confess That I watched him with his guitar And I wished I could take it to serenade what you are And is it embarrassing to know That the girl that loved you has not let it go And you may have a wife and children too And I wonder if I could still talk to you In our silent communication It was the greater part of my education In my years in the Quinn School Of Business I'm not sure the ocean that I bear witness To will ever come my way again But I know you were the best of men And you taught me that sly Would never trespass in your eye Because you let me really look And I read you like I would read a book Enraptured and all caught in the pages I found my soul amongst the sages But I found my beating heart in your gaze I think of you every time that song plays
I haven't ever found something that could kill the love in me Though I let the men I love go free Coz I'm not the traditional woman that makes a home I'm likely to leave you alone To grow into the boots that are you're own I'm likely to let you win and realise the game was thrown Coz I'm more than what I appear to be And I think it's time I let people see My heart is full most of the time And I guess it's a damn crime I shut myself away behind doors Left the men that my soul adores And just coz there's more than one Doesn't mean that the sun Doesn't shine from the skin Of every man who steps into the shoes of Him I see Jesus in their eyes As though it's the Buddha in disguise Some kind of awakened consciousness Or sentience I cannot discuss With anyone, anywhere I just want them to know I am there Always and forever And the flowers you drop will always be there As I pick the buttercups in the field Feel your breath on the wind and I yield To the warmth in my heart And I didn't mean for the end to start But it's just the way with some of these things And most girls are after rings But I just appreciate Saturn in the sky And think of how we all die Somewhere in the mist Some people don't even know they exist So surface play they swim the shallow pools And they put us in separate schools To keep the passion at bay But my heart knows the song your music play Grooving to the tune of Paddy wearing an ear pierce And the way his eyes would turn fierce When he'd look at me So deep and dark and eternity And he'd utter a sharp word when his pride was wounded And it was like the ball had rebounded Back into my chest So I just dropped it like I do it best But I still think of you sometimes I wonder if that is the worst of my crimes And I saw you in the Spiral Tree I waited for you and you looked at me And I held the barrier so you could get in But I don't know if I would be woman enough for him I just know his soul spells the sky in me It's your light infinity
I’m letting the monstrous go, the one that tried to eat me But it could not defeat me Because I hold Jesus in my core And I know who loves me more As they batter me with clubs and stones As I beg them to just leave me alone And Barry smirks and grins But I don’t have so much time for him Because I feel the pulverise try to latch a grasp And the asp Bites but does not sting And no diamond ring Is forthcoming But I like who I’m becoming As the doctor looks at me with plaintive distress And if I had to guess I’d say that she fears death But then she deals with it every day, I must not forget And tries to stave it off every way she can But I accept that every man Must one day give way to the sea And let the spirit become what it’s always been to me As natural as breathing or being born Why do the people look so forlorn As they contemplate A realm they cannot estimate With the power of the mind I let go all that I’m leaving behind And I feel myself losing it But I think that I’m choosing it As I walk towards the sun I realise that I’m the One
All I feel when I look in the mirror Is the flawed sinner And I see all the little points That someone somewhere should anoint With a holy oil And the daily toil Doesn’t seem to leave a mark But my spark Seems to be dampened down By the grey that rules this town And I saw it at seventeen That if I didn’t wake this dream I would be ground like the grain in the wheel And there are people who know how to feel But I could never abide In anything but raw and alive And fire in my bones and skin I’m everything when I’m with Him And when I’m not It’s as though I forgot What I am and see And that everything is God’s plan beyond history Or the chasm that pulls my skin Until I am one with Him And there is no distinction or prose To separate me from the roads That lead to the one place we are And all of us are born from a star Just dust that has been given breath That we all seem to forget Ever passes through our lungs And we are not gradated on rungs Of a ladder to the sky There’s something within that does not die Not now and not ever And it has been a hopeful endeavour To live at peace with what is Sealed with a holy kiss
I don’t know what it is but something needs o be done Because there are people dying young From a disease that no one can see They say it’s mental illness but I don’t think we Are defunct in any sort of way We are just sensitive to the play Of light and form on the screen of life And people tick boxes like a job and wife And a car and a two point five Like those things mean you are alive Is it any wonder that there are those who want to die Who hide the way they cry From everyone so no one can see And that once was the girl I call me But something woke me up And now I want to share that love With anyone who has faded to grey And finds the flatness worse than anything words could say And is it adult to falter on the brink Of the things we dare not think To be confused and afraid to even breathe In case someone doesn’t get what they need From what we hold out in our hands And in the past people wanted lands Now they colonise our minds And taunt us with what’s been left behind But the eternal moment of Now Has become enough for me somehow And I try to explain to a priest The meaning of the deceased But he doesn’t get it So I say; “forget it” And let the river pull me away From everything they say To the winter in me It kind of feels like being set free To feel the wind in my hair And know that I am there In the subterfuge and release I wonder do they notice the crease In my dress but I let it be seen And look up from the dream As I fall into reality I feel the Universe forgiving me
I burn CDs to know the truth And each song reminds me of you As your image fragments and splits into two A mirror reflecting what is already gone Twenty years old and sining your song As you let me see your heart And I turn the pain into art That I can turn over again and again Like an embroidered cushion of all the men I’ve loved in the past From Paddy to the one that will last Past the bounds of death And he says that he forgets What we were And only has eyes for her And I should let him go But I don’t think he know What he means to me And if the dream would let me be I would let him see That it’s he and I eternity In the wilderness and the scrub You know it that it’s true love When unconditionality breaks the kernel of The ego you thought was All that there was to you Now I know that I’m more than I could ever do In this world of form And the image of you makes my cheeks warm And my heart do a jig But you’re working on an oil rig And every fire I think to set Only endangers what was met In the honesty I let slip through When I told you that I love you
The line I shouldn’t cross Tries to tell me who’s boss With it’s threats and warnings And just because it’s storming Doesn’t mean that’s not how it’s meant to be Is the weather messing with me And I hear the call of Frances deep Behind every promise that I keep Somewhere int he wood Of the lines of feeling good As I surfed that wave And all the people I was going to save With my wilderness heart And the love that God had set apart For you and I But does the water die When it slips through your fingers And are the bringers Of the other side Really merchants of doom All I can say is I know when you’re in the room Coz I feel you before I see you But there are days I wouldn’t want to be you As I feel the current pushing forth Past the boundaries of no remorse And you found a safe haven with her And I don’t want to risk it on what we were So I can’t be your friend Coz I’m only ever waiting for it to end So we can take up where we left off And in that kind of love someone must pay the cost Of losing what they thought to hold So I put the letters in bold I love you but I’m letting you go I’ll hold on forever though, just so you know
The unassailable goneness when you lose someone you love And there’s no point looking for them in the sky above Just an empty black hole, a colossal void I withdraw into myself and people think that I’m annoyed When I lash out at everyone (coz they don’t really care) Then abandon the one boy who thought to dare To breach my trenches, to traverse no man’s land I look at him with suspicion but he offers me his hand And it’s so delectably soft, so inconceivably frail That I know in that moment that my defences fail To keep out the love that is pouring through my heart You know I tried my best, I didn’t mean for it to start But it did and it does And now I say that I’m in love With a mortal form of the eternal being I keep wiping my eyes, through the crying I am seeing As he turns from my gaze into his own reverie And I contemplate the moment that God let us be Held for a second like a ball in mid air For once everything and the next not even there As life pulls us apart in the guise of what we’re freeing Now I don’t even know the landscape you are seeing Through those precious eyes and lashes to frame Though time and space expand I still feel the same As I ever did, now then and before In this world of passing things I found something I adore Something that endures as my riverbed soul Can’t separate the distance that it would take to roll And crash a wave upon a shore like I know it will be I wonder who’ll die first, will it be you or me Because we are not vampires, we don’t get a thousand years And I’ve been building up the pressure but the dam bursts with tears And you’re with another woman but that is not the reason It’s the simple fact that all things have a season As our leaves bloom and grow then turn rusty red I thought of you like a hero now I think of you in bed And all the dials turn on the sun of our day Please don’t make it hurt when you go away
It’s the little things Like wedding rings And fire that ignite And I hear that you like What you see And when the person is me I blush and then sigh And I don’t say goodbye To you again Coz I’ve made my peace with the notion of men How you can’t show affection Without them wanting to add you to their collection Of dolls sitting on the wall But that isn’t me at all Except when I’m walking by the rows And the feeling shows As I smirk And I didn’t think that this would work But it does And the story starts because I let you in the door When I’m walking on the ground floor Of the building grey But the door unlocks when you say Hello to me I didn’t think that I would be Clutching at straws at thirty three
She uses broken arrows to fire at me Then says that she sets me free But her archery is not second place And she knows how to deface A wall with her spray paint eyes And bulletproof disguise And we’ll never be what we were Because you cracked the crisp leaf beside her And stabbed me in the front (only enemies stab you in the back) Still though your love don’t mean jack Not now, not anymore And I’ll always have affection for you, mo stór But our two by two is now shattered glass Because you thought he just wanted ass And so you sought to protect Me from being a reject But in seeing me in the lowest terms I set fire to the hay and it burns Up all the crackling grass And she said that this too shall pass But she’s not the one who has to live through the story I know she’ll just ignore me If I try to press my case So I fall silent in the land gone to waste And spill it all out onto a page All my bubbling pain and held back rage When she’s in the room I don’t know, you echo the bells of doom
I walked on the eggshells of not knowing where to look Should I do this one by the book Or throw the rules out of the window I know she has her eyes on him though As I spy her through my eyeglass And we both agree that Darragh is class And maybe I shouldn’t mention his name But he’ll only see this when I’m way high and fame Has taken me to the door Of all the people I love but mo stór Let me tell you you were epic And I hope I didn’t wreck it And that somewhere in your heart You still have me on start And hit go every now and then I look up and worship as you say Amen To the starshot in my eyes I almost dropped the disguise When she asked me which guy I liked And my courage almost spiked But then I just deflect I think she knows though, I suspect And it was over ten years ago Time passes (most people don’t know) But something’s eternal, something’s ever there Like the way I know you care As we walk the dark path into the grounds Of the apartment complex and all the sounds Fall to the silence of our footsteps I cried that night into my own regret And it was one of the first few days I started writing again In the end something begin And I went chasing after Haley’s comet But someone else is already on it So I just wrote this note to say I still think of you, okay Even if it’s though the moonbeams And the dresses that are ripped at the seams Because they took their cutting scissors to them Still, I wish I could play you again
There are childhood haunts They rise up and grip And I am myself when I let the mask slip Like Keyz and I playing Freespace And all the years that went to waste Just soaking in the sun When I met the man I love I run And I don’t know why that is Because I’ve always been his And if I could only explain to her What we were I think she could understand It wasn’t like I had anything planned I just know what soul speaks And I count the years, months and weeks Since we’ve last talked Since you walked And the demons sat on the edge of my consciousness The doctor said I was “in distress” But he doesn’t know jack And I want my freedom back The freedom to feel, to wreak havoc or hell Without people telling me I’m unwell As they submerge what’s only tide And try to kill what is alive In me But I’ll always be This girl of colour and plunging dark It’s from the night where rises the spark And it visits me again and again One day it’s a bird, next it’s men And then I realise I won’t settle Thorny as a rose and stinging like a nettle But somehow singing like a kettle When you put me on boil Or is that just what it is to be a Coyle
I scream but it doesn’t bring her back And sometimes all you can think about is what you lack And I saw her at fifteen washing the dishes And I know that in spite of all of our hugs and kisses I will have to say goodbye to her And does that mean what we were Will cease to exist And I have to let the mourn Become something new that’s born Because they say to move on But there’s a space where you’re gone And nothing will ever be the same again I could fall into the men I crave and creep towards But at the end of the day its only words When what you love will surely die No matter how you try and try And insidious is the despair When you realise that they’re not there Anymore And the open door Where it was always closed coz we were sitting at the fire And I tire Of the baseless platitudes I just remember the charisma you exude And how now we stand at a cold grave For nothing can save Anyone of us from our fate Should I have went on that first date
It’s an Irish tradition But it feels like ammunition Firing into my soul Oh, what it takes to be whole When a person is ripped from this earth And people just say, I’m sorry that it hurt As I look at the body in the coffin And it wasn’t for a lack of lovin’ That it’s in there All the people who care Are seated in a square Around the walls A four cornered room and we walk down the halls Lined up in black And the slack That is cut like a new shirt Won’t still the breath that we skirt “She looks the same” Or “He looks peaceful” and his name Is met by an inflection of the head The horror of when someone is dead And there’s nothing you can do to get them back I remember when they carried him out and lack The ability to hold the memory in equanimity Coz it’s the last time I’ll ever see Him in that way What do they say? This too shall pass But I don’t want it to if the love don’t last Though the memory is like a baseball bat And people wonder what am I at Haunting the halls I say it wouldn’t be this way if the walls Would just fall down But I drown In the ocean I open up In the name of love And tears they pour like a saltwater sea Down my cheeks and cut a valley through me Like a glacier that moved the ground To make Kilglass lake and the sound Of the drumlin belt echoing calls Across the marsh and the footballs That just hang in the sky Why did my grandfather have to die?
Is to be mother just to gain an experience Nothing to do with the child But a biological urging that has run wild And we’re watching little ones bleed to death On a screen but we forget As we bring new babies to this earth That they are capable of feeling hurt And I am reminded of a promise I made Before the sun put me in the shade That I would never fall to the fallow field That only knows how to yield To a power greater than it Fertile ground that only ever sit In the seed to germinate So he asks the girl on a date And it may be for the masses, it isn’t for me But I love them so much and they do not see As the mattress bows and the bodies writhe But they’re ashamed and so they hide Their lovemaking under the covers Because they should never be lovers According to modern society You must do it in the dark or someone will see And you’ll go to hell (or something like that) But I took the baseball bat And smashed that particular window Because I don’t believe it’s a sin, though There is shame and there is expense When you do it outside the present tense And I may be tantric and I may be yogi But I don’t walk with someone that doesn’t know me In the depths, not surface tension And the only way to make an extension Is to know just who you are But when I saw that boy I saw the star Burning in his heart and soul I was just eighteen years old And he six months my junior But still 1990 so acceptable sooner Than I would have liked And my courage spiked As we sat next to each other As though the apple had fallen into the hands of a lover And we both took a bite But it is alright Fifteen and a half years later Though there is a crater Left by that meteor strike I just thought you should know I like You in that way Though what is it that you say You don’t got time Well, here I have plenty, take some of mine
Death stalks even the most fertile of land I would go as far as to say you can only understand Life if you’ve had a little loss Not just make up and candy floss To keep yourself looking young And your song is sung When you’re eight one And looking in the mirror That girl you once were, do you hear her “She was a good age”, that’s what they say But I still blame God for taking you away Just a little too soon And I’m in the room And I’m crying, screaming And if I am only dreaming Then why does it hurt so much Why does it feel that all the love I’ve ever had has departed No second chances, only heavy hearted Ways and means And moonbeams Sing to me of you Something about white light and what it can do To free a soul I know you were old And I was twenty nine And I should be fine But I’m not So I take the last shot That has ever been fired And I only fall asleep when I’m tired From all the crying and wailing against What God whispers to me is heaven sent And she never had to experience covid or crisis Had angels around her when she shut her eyelids And it’s selfish but the pain Is the only thing that remain In me for you Because all the blue Of the sky has absorbed you in And maybe now you are with him Somewhere in the serene And seventeen Is come again When you lose someone, a really good friend But you find yourself among the debris And if anyone is looking for me You should let them know That I always follow where you go And into the mystic, into the free I’m still here but something has left me Like a bomb shattered house that loses its frame Like a sage who goes by a different name Like the winter that bursts into spring Like waking up to everything
There’s a dead in her eyes That nothing can disguise But it always lit up when she looked at me Didn’t think that I would ever be The reason why the curtains close As she follows me down the road To nowhereland And it’s all sand That just gathers at my feet An hourglass when we meet Somewhere in between And if it’s all a dream Then why are we crying Over the people that are dying Left right and centre And so I enter The hallowed halls Of the people who can walk through walls And the longing calls Me to let go of the line That had me doing hard time In a crater not of my making And all the people that I’m forsaking When I take that pill And it will kill If I keep on keeping on So I have to get gone And on the road Her carriage slowed Just to take a look at me And she never sees the free I’ve come to be Only ever the apparent chains The sunlight reflects upon when it rains And who gains When everything is lost Don’t we all just pay the cost For the brutal tide That means we are alive Because we can feel Everything that’s real And vital and true And just because the colour blue Is sad and lonely Doesn’t mean you can’t phone me Anytime you want I change the font To match my mood Meanwhile you just sit and brood Over a perceived slight But you are alright Aren’t you, aren’t you I daren’t ask lest it be true That the fields are green far past the slide Of what it means to be alive And they click go on the PowerPoint And I never want to leave the oint- Ment powder red What goes on inside a person’s head Is the least of what they are I look up and see that star Shining over my crucifixion My errant ways and my eviction From the stable then I just don’t want to go through that again Not for even the best of men So I take what they offer And the coffer Is full But my skin’s as thin as cotton wool They use to mask Everything they cannot ask Me now the ship has sailed The chain linked fence and I impaled Over the least of crimes My only solace in these rhymes That never lead to the sea What is it that you are asking of me Once more, arís Some Celtic chieftain once had a feast But she wasn’t invited And so the war ignited The gunpowder flame That only ever lands upon a name
Dead bodies and machine gun eyes I think they believe the lies That they are fed And when they lie in bed They must stop the truth from reaching them And life must be teaching them How to bear the weight they’ve been gifted I sweat in my jumper that’s been thrifted From some nearby store And I just wanted to change it more But how do you compete with belief And you just feel relief When it falls away from you It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to do What matters is that you’re wiling to be led Not blind opposition to what’s being said And I watch Ben Gvir shout his refrain Does he even know the pain He’s in and so inflicts They say that some day wars will be fought with sticks After we’ve destroyed ourselves Why do you put them in cells If they are brother and sister tide Please leave the Palestinians alive You’ve done enough And, God knows, it wasn’t out of love It was to feed that old demon That’s always dreaming He will rule the world And what does it matter what says this girl Who is just a child of Irish rain And our own kind of particular pain As we live on the land Our ancestors once couldn’t understand As it was stolen from beneath them Until someone bequeath them Their own patch of ground And do you hear the sound Of the child cry Why must I be the one to let her die?
Meeting Joe Black was the end of my life The birth of the Son and the last of the wife That had ever been in my veins I dried my eyes on sleeves that are tear stained And he looked so soft and serene Til he tore through my dream With a knife and an attitude Coz he was a really cool dude And he had a point to prove He could never lose To a girl Coz the world Only ever appreciates A woman for who she dates And she’s chosen you And now you don’t know what to do So you just set a fire And I tire Of this leadránach So I leave you for the shock Of your life I won’t say it twice As I give you every chance To ask me to the dance And when you don’t Well I won’t Stick around To be the sound You love to hear But only when no one else is near And you can hide Behind the facade you hate inside Because all you ever do Is hop scotch between the lines that you want to Really cross But all is not lost Maybe someday your light Will meet it’s own Jean White
Manifesting Andy, I try to look the other way And pretend I cannot say What is the fire inside of me Is there another way for me to be And it caused me physical pain When I first heard your name It was when I was carted off to the mental So much more than words in central Dublin and they said I needed to be there As ambivalent as a girl without a care When she was interrupted And have we fucked it Up In the name of love And it all comes around to the scene The way that it could wake my dreams The loins that long The moment you belong When you’re with someone And you can see your son And daughter running around And they’re not even born and you hear the sound Of their peeling bells of laughter Just like their father As you sit by his side How do I hide I have the whole future planned out And I’m afraid my doubt Will kill what we are We may have all been forged within a star But we are black hole bound I know oblivion when I hear the sound Of your mystery ring Would you give me one if I gave you everything And you just sigh and look away So I leave it for another day
Is it wrong I don’t want to “have kids” And I reject the idea of being his Because I don’t want to be owned Always revelling in the unknown And my sister thinks it’s the only way But I have learned that what she say Is only an expression of how she sees And it’s not up to me to believe In something I don’t want Forty two and the haunt Eating up my heart and soul And is it Jackie and Wilson to be whole Because when you hit thirty everyone expects You to just have sex And make three out of two Or more if possible to issue from you And when you’re a teen they warn you that Your life will be ruined if you create something you can’t take back And I watch all these children dying In foreign countries and they’re crying And I just want to reach out and touch And tell them I love them so much And I am doing everything I can To resist the man Who says that war is the way to peace And all these people that decease Are just casualties and collateral damage How can he stand the carnage And I know it’s not up to me to blame And no one really is their name They are the depths and so much more But I must tell you, mo stór That you are paving the path to hell And I can’t just stay out of it and wish you well Or be obstinate refuse Boycott the brands I will not use I must let a new dream birth And create a new dawn all over the earth What is the feminine reveal Is that she can only ever steal That which is not real
Getting old, I’m thirty three And people no longer say my whole life’s in front of me And my friend died when I was seventeen And since then the dream Has had no appeal Because it simply is not real As the canvas just gets torn Bodies fail and they get worn And I have to say goodbye To everyone when they die But somehow the veil fell And all the people who called me unwell Are tracking my shoes Wondering why singing the blues Sounds so damn good to the sea As if it’s pulsing to the beat of me In the winter of my life And I should be a wife To that man But I don’t think I can Because I don’t want to bear child One reason is I want to stay wild The other is that I can’t leave Them to the world that I believe Is only born to be taken away And even if they’re a baby they cannot stay Here forever And I would never Want to do that to someone Pluck them from security to the drug of done Counting down the days til they lose The power of having someone to choose To be a lover And is it just another Way of avoiding what’s now I look at myself and I allow The crippled and broken To have the words that I’ve never spoken Into the air It all was lost til He was there
I thought God could only ever be found In the complete absence of sound In the silence that descends On my room as the riverbends From lavender to primrose and flame And I wake up from my name And it all seems so perfect, true Til I met you And it all cascaded down You wanted to run my town So you could have a girl in the wings And, my, you love the way she sings But you don’t understand her And you demand her To be as you would please Up on her tiptoes or down on her knees But neither one will ever be me So I let you go free Though I love you with all of my heart I won’t make pain just to make art Or love Or fit like a glove Into a biological cog I dream of a fire burning a log While we lie on the rug before it And you know I would adore it A blanket made just for two But it never was me and you We spit fire into each other’s veins And in the aftermath cleaned up the bloodstains On the carpet where we fought It was in darkness that the ring was wrought And cascaded into eternity You asked me to burn with thee But I let go that crime And am absorbed into the sublime And even if they don’t get me here It doesn’t mean I’ll run to you dear If you make a fool of me When I just wanted life school and mystery To encompass all we were I dropped the glass when I saw her And it broke and shattered on the floor You don’t even hide that you adore Another pair of eyes And my trust in you dies Slowly but surely in the awe That you could begin the Great Thaw
Did you make a mistake telling me to go to hell And now all you want to shout is that you wish me well After all the evidence to the contrary Now you hold vigils and pray to Mother Mary But you don’t find any answers there At least not the ones that make you care And I spilled truth like ink All over the kitchen sink And you balked at its black, viscous flavour And I looked at you as though you were my saviour But you only saw the war And you crucified me for What you sought to keep Now it haunts you in your sleep And you can’t get my voice out of your mind It whispers to you as to what you’ve left behind And your bed is warm But you look so forlorn At the shape that sleeps beside you in the sheets And you wonder if two people ever meet On a level playing field And I feel you hate me so I yield To the tide of going away It isn’t indifference that made me sway And let the ribbon float into the air It’s because I loved the man that was there
There is a witching hour And she lives like she has all the power To throw weight around And her sound Is a fearsome blame When she throws everything at my name Like it will stick And she says he’s just being a dick But I don’t believe it I saw his heart on his sleeve, it Will never escape my memory Even though their war got the best of me As they pummelled my frame Hit me like every blow was the same I will never betray Him by lying about what he say The truth spills And time kills Everything it touches Nothing there is but something fucks it Up And love Is no exception Except there is Jesus and his Resurrection That reminds me there is truth And there is not just youth But maturity I woke up to the best of me
The life I’ve always wanted receded into the distance And when I reached for it I only felt resistance As I confessed my secret heart He took his wound and tore me apart And with tears in his eyes He ripped into my disguise Til I stand with paper hands And look at the sands Slipping through the cracks I know we can’t go back From this I though you might kiss Me when you found out the truth Like I know you wanted to in our youth And I put you off And you splutter and cough And tell me you have no time For what I found in the diamond mine And soldered to a band of gold for you In a past life I was the one to Go down on one knee Reversed genders, same eternity And I propose a solution to the problem Because together, all of the troubles, we’d solve them And you’ve found another partner And it would hearten her If she knew how you talked behind her back And the girls that you attack In her name I don’t mean to lay the blame But is it just gonna be the same As it was two hundred years ago With your blonde hair and the way you kissed me slow
The grief crumples me like a deck of cards And no one knows how hard It got in the midst of the night And I contemplated the death of the light Coz everywhere I looked it was black And the dealer stack Everything against me My best friend resents me And that person that wants to take me down Looks like she runs this town As she commands the sea And turns the whole tide upon me And as it rushes and consumes Something pulls me from those rooms Into a place I’ve never been But somehow had already seen Maybe in a dream or through a past life And every man looks for a wife When he reaches a certain age I just reach for the page Because the immortal hue Has stopped shining from you It’s like you buried it somewhere When you say that I just don’t care And it’s impossible to get through to you So I say goodbye too As you hang up the phone Could you just leave me alone?
In the land where death is real People lie and people steal People cheat and people thieve But it’s all coz they believe In a sudden end and in separation It is reinforced by years of education Not only in the school But by social rule Where they must obey Everything their elders say Only to grow up to be A repetition endlessly Instead of creative and new And everything they swore they would do When they were five years old No one has to be told To be pilot, to be king To be bird upon the wing But you have to be sold On being bad, on being “bold” And every child knows The phrase that everything goes The way it should be I love eternity As it presents myself Amidst “mental health” Challenges, they say I’m crazy But you know it doesn’t phase me When I’m twenty eight and in Dean Swift But the captivity was a gift As they try to sit me down And say that I will drown In all that is unwell It’s a byword for hell But I just don’t buy Everything they try To sell It’s a secret I never tell But I’m soaring high Something can never die And I will go to the lowest low If it means that someone else’s dreams Will wake before they shake By the bones and skin It’s not foolhardy to trust in Him He who moves the sky into spacious understanding He who shows the way without ever demanding That you should follow suit Oh, the world that we pollute With our constant pain That falls as acid rain Or bombs upon the children Instead of heartfulness to fill them With hope and with pride And gratitude that they’re alive I’m sorry to say That going the wrong way Means you must repent And all things are heaven sent Until you realise That every time someone cries It’s an echo of the sound That means God is around To show you where the deep Is something you can keep I didn’t know that I Was blessed until my Whole world was shaken But just like in a dream I waken And suddenly realise That nobody dies Not in the way we think But you don’t know water until you drink From that holy font It is everything I want And everything I never knew to ask I just dropped the mask And all was revealed I guess you could say that I was healed
I watch the Palestinian children die And why do I get to cry When their eyes are dry And a parent weeps over the corpse While soldiers laugh with no remorse And the commanders drop another bomb Where has our humanity gone Do we not see ourselves in the other See our sister and brother In every battered storm front of war And I just look at her And see the death that I know The pain life has visited upon me slow That must be experienced by the masses Or as they’re designated - the lower classes While I sit and sup my tea Knowing full well that it could be me If I lived a hundred and eighty years ago When the British starved us slow To death And there is a memory that does not forget It’s held like generational pain And I resonate with the acid rain That falls from white phosphorus plumes Into lungs and living rooms And burns into skin and sears People with images of those they hold dear Suffering and crucified In every single one who’s died Is the hidden heat Of the love that makes my heart beat And no claims of anti-semetic Can make me subscribe to the rhetoric That justify the claims of war When the dust settles what will all this be for And will we survive another spin of the wheel That makes us deny what we feel So we are capable of The worst of what I’ve listed above
I dreamed about you last night You were as fragile as a butterfly And it was like in real life I just had to watch you die And yet you do not leave me here You kiss me like you always did, dear On my forehead or on my cheek And when I used to feel weak I would run to your side I would hide And then let you find me And you didn’t mind me Being a little bit strange And all the peace rearrange To atoms that say that you are gone But your song Will have life as long as I am breathing You were always something I was needing As I would lie into you And at fifteen I watched you Washing the dishes at the sink And all I could do was think Of what would happen the day you died If I would break like waves of tears I cried And I insulated myself Under the veil of mental health Because I can’t shatter again And there are legions of men Who would take my hand And make me “understand” What true love means But it’s insubstantial as the stuff of dreams And you are wholly really And even though you’ve left I still feel You in my veins and blood Like when I was lying in the wood And I felt the soul of the trees Kiss me when I’m on my knees And I know that your prayers save me Even when I cave, we Will always be a two by two And it’s not up to someone forgetting you It’s something that you always are You are not on some far distant star You are in my heart And in this instant we are not apart
I get slated for being emotional and sincere There was that time I told you I hold you dear And you attacked and ripped my hands Away from your paper thin heart and the sands Flow out of your hourglass As you try to make a thing last That never will Because time will kill The bodies that you preserve And the girl that you serve Must one day kiss you for the last time And my only crime Was knowing there will come a day When one or the other of us will go away And I can’t speak forever when I see the horizon And I don’t know what you have your eyes on As you stare into space Meanwhile I just stare at your face Looking at the grass And time will pass But something stays the same There is a love that will not lay the blame Not even when your dripping venom Tries to make an enemy Of me Then return to eternity Where it can fester its wound I saw it all and the doom Ate me up from the middle And the best part of me may be hidden But you can find it if you look You don’t have to do anything by the book You swear by And I hear you cry In my dreams How does a man come apart at the seams When you just tell him the truth That you idolise our youth And that time will also be the proof Of what cannot be destroyed We are not just girls and boys We are immortal souls Water though the wave rolls And breaks onto the land I wonder if I take your hand Would you be a friend Coz true love will never end
Death comes to take everything I love And I lose the glove I wore when I was younger and blue And it was all I could do to hold onto you But I had to let you go your own way Because there’s nothing that I can say To stem the tide Of that which cannot abide In the tome of fate I never gave in to hate But I couldn’t hold the love you carry And the boy I want to marry I ran him off Because I couldn’t pay the cost That it would require And now the whole world is on fire With the hate that burns As the aching turns It on its axis and spin And once I was with him But things change and so did he So I let go and now I’m free
There is the fear that death could separate us And that I have to rush to you To profess my love Til above Reaches in its hand And takes away my only man The only one I’ve ever sought To give myself to beyond the taught And you are serene and beautiful But your skin’s as thin as cotton wool And the people are all saying I’m crazy But it doesn’t faze me I just take a step back And their affection feels like an attack On summer wine As they take my time And make it theirs Hands up if anyone cares I know they will say they’ve got the best of intentions It’s just that they never mention You, anymore And I wonder if that closed door Has slammed shut If only I could get out of this aperture of slut As they all seek to cling Coz, God knows, they’d hold onto anything And I open out my palm As the bell rings an alarm In the hall of calling like it is And is it a surprise that I’m still his In spite of the battleship That is equipped Somewhere along the shore To hammer at my door Like a man knocking on my breath But it hasn’t opened to him yet
There is crippling instability at my core I try to balance what I adore On the scales But a part of me rails And tries to decide That I no longer want to be alive If it means that I’m not with her Always wondering what we were And she hates me now but I feel her breath Whispering “do not forget” All that we are And she says I am her star No black hole But the measure of her soul And she calls to me Across the sea Of forever in between Am I crazy or is this a dream I just cannot wake from All I love will someday be gone And ripped to shreds This is what I think of when I lay in bed
The darkness of the night is very near And it was an education in fear When they taught me about the man in black And that I must be wary of an attack I still remember the moment it made an impact Cut to the future and I jacked When I saw that same abyss again And instead of a god, it was men And I ran and ran Because only the truth can Catch up to me And the scenery is no match for me As I turn a blind eye On what it is to die In the midnight of the day And they tell me it’s okay I ask the doctor if the devil is real Because hell is sure what I feel When I’m looking in the mirror And I barely hear her When she say that she don’t know She says she’ll help me though And she’s from India so I trust in where this is gonna go
The wrench I try not to feel Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal With the wave that races to the shore And it crushes everything I adore And all are sandcastles, all are water I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter Who may never see you again And you were the best of men Though something whispers to me that you are here Closer than close and ever near And I look for it in their eyes But all I ever see is the disguise That hides you from me They equate eternity With what they can know With their mind, so I pull away Because I know you cannot stay Not here, not with me You are free And I unlock the chains That keep you incumbent to the rain And all the aching that I feel Is the only thing that is real As I run to St. Pat’s And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats Til I can’t feel the grief They must replace the belief With a shallow kind of pain The kind that has people squint with strain And say, sure isn’t that the way But I return to the bay As it opens out onto the Pacific And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific And lays all my shreds bare Til there’s nothing left to tear And my dress may be ruined But I think God knows what He’s doing When he says to me I will take away the temporary So you can know the permanent How could hell be heaven sent?
She’s buried under the weight of timber And she calls me a sinner For what she cannot see That it has devastated me And he looks at me that way And there’s so much I want to say But I can’t and now it’s never That’s the hard part of forever It doesn’t let go And so I let the waves rise up To overflow the cup Of water I’ve been drinking They say that it’s overthinking But somehow it feels more real And it’s just that she cannot deal With her own grief she fires at dart at me And I don’t have the heart to let it be I storm up a flame and turn away Go deaf to everything she say Coz it’s all a repetition Of something she learned in some edition Of something she read And I never said What I meant But when I sent That letter true I thought it would deliver to you But it must have missed the mark Now I’m just swinging swords in the dark And hoping to connect With a dream I seem to have wrecked With my steady brutality Oh, the weight of what’s been placed on me Is a blessing true And all of this because I lost you
The inner child weeps And she never sleeps For all the people she loves Will one day be above Or at least that’s what they say I don’t know if it is that way But I’ve always felt the wrench Felt the knot in my gut clench As it tries to clasp What it knows can never last Not in a hundred million suns Not in finding the sacred one Because the heat must die To find the reason that you try To reach the sky And I Just find tears Amidst all the years And cling to the frame The door that bears my name But it can’t weather the storm Of the heart that beats me warm In the summer free I feel death stalking me And in the winter fine I feel that it is time To let the leaves go Let the winds blow Let the waters flow And find that there is no separation, you know
The veins of truth pour the blood through me It’s back to my heart and it sets me free And my skin may be purple, blue But it’s not because of you I just wanted you to know That it was long before we met I wanted to let go And it was in response to A girl, I change the font to blue To represent those days Because she cut in me in so many ways By lines, by degrees Then with a sword when I was on my knees And my grandmother had just passed And I’m sitting in class When she has just let me know That she can’t “relate” to the snow That’s falling from my sky And suddenly I want to die And the breaths I draw in are sucked not in the flow And nobody seems to know It’s like steel in my blood to enter the school And I used to keep every single rule But it never did a thing to keep me from the deep end of the pool And I’m just standing saying a prayer Because we’re Catholic and the teacher is there Til, suddenly, dizzy, I lose consciousness And the person I used to address As myself Has been lost in the wealth Of light pouring from the sky And though no one says hi To me anymore I don’t care coz the open door Has just let me in And I didn’t need to win The war she fought with tooth and nail The success was in the fail And I just let her go To torment someone else slow I wonder will she change But I will always be the kind of strange That sees the city in each pair of eyes And I hope she never cries But her docking port will not be here She can call on the God that is ever near And see if he can rescue Her soul from what threatens you I know I’m by the shore Waiting for the man I adore To finally swim to land He does and I take his hand Like it is precious ore I am not who I was before But I can be all that I am If that’s okay with you, man
Run to the states And they’re asking who it is she dates And I’m so focused on People being gone That I can’t see them when they are here And, Lord knows, I hold them dear But I just cannot contort into shapes The air in my lungs escapes As I try to be the solid stance Then a beautiful boy asks me to dance And I say no because he wants a kiss And I know I would miss If I ever thought to try I just wonder what will happen when we all die And western society is obsessed with youth It always seemed a little uncouth At a three day wake You’d swear the dead would make the ground quake And join in the festivity All joking aside they are still with me I feel my grandmother’s breath against my cheek And when I feel weak I know her prayers save my life I don’t think she knew the strife I walked through when she was alive But I let the veil fall and our love survive The transition out of form And she may not have been warm When she lay so still But her spirit never will Grow cold as the grave She is the power that save Me from my own mistakes I let her help and the fever breaks
Life is a tremulous thing And a bird with only one wing Flies in a circle if she flies at all I just remember running into the hall And screaming bloody blue murder As I woke up from a sleep I had been held in the bed By a weight I could not keep And they all held like snooker balls Atoms of air until they all fall And weigh on me like turf But I am released and I surf The wave out of the room Imagine arms catching me with the sound of doom And my parents come to me in a flash And I’m crying, trembling and I can’t put the genie back In the bottle now that he’s been set free Every time the phone rings my heart beats against the tree I use to hold myself together Because the weather Was unpredictable and strange And no matter how stable it would always change As I lose a grandmother to the going away And I must not cry because she could not stay But my ears are pulsing with the noise And the din rattles bones like they are play toys As I always expect the next mute surrender I gave in to always remember The torture of losing love to the emptiness Now the darkness starts to dress Me in its own clothes and cloak Everything around me in the bespoke Am I just reading the dial When people look at me I fake a smile So they don’t look to hard And see the facade behind the business card I hand out to everyone who wants to get in touch And you’d never know I love you so much When I just stare into your soul Every wave is beautiful but they all roll Into the one And every man is somebody’s son And deserves respect and compassion Even when he sings about an assassin That lives in his heart She aimed true though and took the part He had been protecting out of the dark And I bet he was the better mark In the end I’d like to think she knows I’m a friend But all bullets find their way home I guess that’s why she’s complete and I am alone With my own front facing tremor I don’t think I’d want to be on the good ship Endeavour Even if I was to stake a claim And somehow make a name For myself in the western based media But its not all what they feed to ya As babies cry for mother they’ll never see I just don’t want that to ever be me
Me and Power had a war of wills And he flexed his skills In my direction But my selection Is to reside where I’ve always been And sit in the seat of a goddess or queen Somewhere in the avenue of soul I wander the grounds and I just roll With the wave they want to crash I’ve had better nights on the lash As he forces a pill into my hand Like he could inopportune the ocean with sand And he draws waifs on the beach And comes to teach Me about the dragons that breathe fire On the weak and never tire To seek out souls to ravage and dement He doesn’t realise I never went Away but to come again And I am not afraid of men Or of beasts that gnaw What’s trembling me is the great thaw As it steals aspects of my glacier I am the North Pole and I need ya To stem the flow of climate change But I feel the days get strange As I see the ferocious that eats her And I know it wants to delete her And she senses it too She’s not mad, she’s just looking into The abyss and it’s looking back I look at the jenga I stack And I know this house is gonna fall And I’m not up for playing hard ball With someone who thinks he knows Why the woman is on the road I just flash him a glance I think he knows there’s no second chance
The Angel burst through my skin And in that moment I was One with Him The impervious, the crystalline And some people do hard time Trying to live up to A purpose they are longing to Embody And shoddy I wander the streets Til something in me meets The end of the road So I lay down the load And ask to be taken to the sky It is not the same as to die I whisper to Stephen That there are things I can’t help believing And I tell him that I write He flexes his eyebrows and I wonder if the sight Will ever leave my mind That he did not leave me behind In that moment true Like she had done too In the moments that we held And she weld Her steel to the iron It masks the way I’m lying About all I am And the plan Scares me to death And I spill the regret That I’ve been holding in my soul To someone who would roll The waves upon my shore He shone on me like an open door And in the midst of that smile I was okay for a while
The Poetry Book 