Tag: grief

The Little Things

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
It’s not the poignant moments that make me cry
It’s contemplating that we all die
And you can never keep the sand
That just slips out of your hand
Like it’s an hourglass you flip
Though you’re not in control of it
And everyone you love will age
Like rumpled quilts on a stilted page
Is it more than mere grief
I let it out and there’s relief
But more of thunder and a river held back
But you can’t dam the thing you lack
Only ache for a better day
I let you know coz I love you, okay?

Taking The Scene

.Reading time 1 minute.
She made a run for the dash
A finish line of I want cash
And it was as though I was the bank
No one there you gotta thank
And she drew from me the ebb and the flow
Til I conceded to let her go
And it was not without reservation
But I’m not tuned to that tv station
And really sad could be a description 
But it wasn’t I who forced the eviction 
As she moved my hand to sign the ink
The sign on the wall said “think”
And I fell apart in the ruins of us
It was as though I couldn’t trust
Even my step to hold firm
And I know there are things to learn
But you had me in close by the soul
Til you told me that you don’t roll
With the punches like I do
And I have to
Accept that you 
Are distancing and space in between
What was summer is now just a dream
I had at fifteen
I let you go and leave the scene



Photo: Chad Greiter on Unsplash.com

If I Could Then I Would

.Reading time 3 minutes.
It was just a random Tuesday
I walked back to school
There was nothing happening
All was cool
All was fine
And that was the last time
I was free of the knowledge that
You were gone
I haven’t thought about it in so long
I came in the gate
The sun was shining
I wasn’t late
And I walked round the corner
Met Natalie
She looked with crying eyes at me
Expecting me to know
I panicked as I realized truth
Was hitting me again in youth
Who? Who? 
And she let the name go
I was reeling with the blow
And we passed each other by
I stared at the sky
All I could think was
Where’s my school bag
I have to get my stuff
Why is it so important
What I’m not thinking of
And we gathered in the Oratory
Like a smashed piece of glass
And one of the girls hugged me 
She sat beside me in class
And all I could think of 
Is you love
And I try not to feel
The sensation
I lean on the others 
For consolation
And I caught my maths teachers eye
As my sister fell into my arms to cry
And he looked away
There was nothing to say
Coz how do you deal with it
Death, the punch
One minute you’re fine
Just coming back from lunch
Next minute the Chaplain
Has us all in a bunch
And I didn’t cry
The tears wouldn’t come
And you were just
So young, so young
And I shut off my feelings 
For the next fifteen years
Coz I haven’t lost you
If I don’t cry the tears
And hold it all together
But the sky is rainfall
And loss is the weather
And I try to recall
So I won’t forget
Every memory of you
That’s fresh in my mind yet
And what would you say
To us all
I have the faith 
That you’re not gone at all
But watching over us
And blessing the ground
That we walk
You hear every sound
And catch every weep
I take tablets to help me to sleep
As I fall asunder
Is it any wonder
But something in me just holds you fast
You’re in our hearts so you haven’t really passed
And I’m finally opening the doors to talk
About the confidence in your walk
And the way you just breeze on through
I hope that you know I still miss you
And that I still feel your light on days
I find you in quieter ways
As you whisper your love in the moment I break
I let it go for God’s sake

My Jesus

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My Jesus opened the door
He let me see that there’s something more
Beyond the chasm of calls
The teaching of words, the world’s enthralled 
And I was on my knees begging to sky
Watching someone I love slowly die
Why don’t you do something, where are you
But you took her and put me through
Some kind of hell
What is it the story that you tell
That the Almighty is all that exists
Then why did you put me on your list
And it’s a sudden awning pain 
Like the cold when you’ve been out in rain
And I’m on the floor
With my head resting against the door
And a sudden spark ignites
Wherefrom did all these lights
Appear
And I hear her say, my dear
Like she always did when she was alive
And her flowers didn’t survive 
But something she planted did, God knows
It’s been living in me and it shows
So I wash my face, dry my tears
And I’ve been holding it in for years and years
And it’s finally singing a song
My Lord, you did nothing wrong 
And it’s more than a future reunite
It’s a love that holds you in the night
When you’re punching the air
Cursing all that isn’t there
But something new is born
The moment that the fabric’s torn

Writing My Storm

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Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
Writing my storm
Well, at least I'm warm
Coz the thunder rumbles 
And the lightning cracks ground 
And I can feel the heat surround 
As the cold front meets it match
An opposite in a roof of thatch
As it sets fire to what it knows
And it's, you know, anything goes
And I've destroyed everything I once had
I speak my mind and I feel bad 
But at least I'm living 
Is it time for more forgiving 
Of the grudge match I keep with her
Coz I'm mad at what we were 
As she'd take a little pick
And chip away at me, so to speak 
Carving out a Michelangelo
From all the places I will not go 
Til suddenly the dial it spins 
And she's cast from my withins
In a door slamming shut on time
I can't acquit you for this crime
Coz if I did you'd do it again
And I don't know if I can call you friend
As you take what you used to know
And sacrifice it on the go
On an altar you worship days 
And I'm confused in so many ways
Coz I thought we were cool but I resolve
Not to be a problem to solve
But the answer I've always craved
I guess it's Heaven and the unsaved

The World Must Turn

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The night came down on my like an evening
There was a day when I stopped believing
In all that I'd been taught to know 
Coz it don't explain the way that you go
And I stand there looking 
But it's to no avail
And there is a moment 
When all words fail 
And all that's left
Is the tears
And I cry them 
For years and years 
With no break in the monsoon
And when I'm alone in my room
I can express what you mean to me 
And how we have our date with destiny
I held on tight
But nothing can extinguish the light
Once it has started to burn 
I finally realise why the world must turn

The Measure Of Love

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To cry is not the measure of love
When I think of them I look above
And put a hand on my chest
They are the souls that know me best
And though our time together in form ran out
That you exist is beyond all doubt
As I read between all the lines
Have trust and faith in the Divine
To carry our rivers out to the sea
I don’t feel you’ve really left me 
But stand beside me day by day
Making sure I am okay 
Like you always did when you walked with me
Driving cars and drinking tea
Or playing drafts til the light went down
By the fire or in town
And I know, I just know that you’re still here
Like all of the things that I hold dear
Never to be put away
Not just something people say
But real and true in honesty
There’s no ending of you and me
But forever as a side by side
You’re as near to me and always alive
As when we shared the kitchen space
I’ll always cherish your beautiful face
And the love for me that you gave
I pray midnights and by day
For your soul to be free and near
I still sense your presence here
As you hold my hand and wake me up
When I’m in sadness like it’s not enough
And the waves of grief don’t consume
Coz I still feel you in the room
Guiding me on and forth
Connecting my spirit with the source
Of all life that we share
Thank you for always being there

Things Like That

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There were times I thought; 
Things like that only happen in America
But now an Irish flag is flying
On hills I don’t agree with
Declaring the ruination of all that used to be
And how it was empty and vapid
Relentless in its desire to control all of us
I look at the clock again
It’s half past six
But time is moving and never sticks
To the floor like the day I heard
And you could shoot every single bird
I wouldn’t notice
Coz you’re gone
The only place that I belong
Standing by your side
Now I hear your name and I run and hide
Because it brings up convulsions I cannot repair
One minute you’re standing there
The next air
That I breathe in
And even thoughts of him
Can’t take away the ashes of my loneliness
Written in biro like an address
As I scribble my name
I love you so I won’t be the same
But are the hackles drawn on my wilderness
That I would ever confess
A taut string like grief
And my belief
Is to hide it from everyone
Shine like I’m the fucking sun
Collapsing in on itself
A black hole to eat the life that is its wealth
And welcome any stragglers into its dusky fold
I’m getting old
You can measure it by how you perceive the years
They move so fast there’s no time for tears
Coz the ebbing will flow
And what came down must let go
Of its hold on this misty night
Is it okay if I am alright?

As Terrain

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The monsters are man made
They live in the attic
They crackle like telephone 
Under the static 
They brew like a soup
Under the sink
Dare you to do 
Something crazy like think
And I lie in my bed
And the horrors maintain
There’s nothing lost
If there’s nothing to gain
If outside is inside
The window you touch
You learn to let go
Of what you love so much
And in winter the fire’s
Warming the hearth
But I’m still scared 
Of what hides in the dark
Under the moonlight
Of another season
Like the way I love you
Without reason
And it makes no sense
But the tide will crash
Against the stone
And turn all to ash
Like the waves of duty 
To abide
I see the truth
And I confide
It on paper
To the sky
What comes will go
What’s born will die
But what’s ever present
Will remain
Beyond the ocean
As terrain

Shake And Wake

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You’re mysterious 
And the guys just call you Chris
And I have to adjust my vision for the time being
Because I’m not sure exactly what I’m seeing
As you softly ask me my name
And I’d love to do the same
But the ghost of winter left last evening
And I’ve given up on all my believing
And the night isn’t cold but it sure is dark
And I used to live right by the park
As I listened to JV McMorrow
That year I transcended the sorrow
And clicked my tongue to my own beat
I used to just drive down the street
With a bigger sense of life and purpose
Not chasing my tail like a dog in a circus
Anyway it’s been eons
But you cut through the neon
Back to where I love the feel
Of the men with which I deal
And you’ve got something so real
In the silence that I just steal
Before I hang up the phone
It’s good for five minutes to be alone
With a voice like yours down the line
I blush at the question and answer I’m fine
Coz I know this number is a hard one to call
But you smile, I can hear it through the air wall
And I wonder exactly who you are
Do you ever think time is measured by a star
As we orbit around what’s fixed in space 
Running the rivers like it is a race
But everything is just typed in notes
And I must admit that I love quotes
And what they bring to the table
If you’re sitting at one are you able
To be outside in the fields of yore
Is everything as before? 
Or are you something I’ve never seen
I hear his voice and shake out of the dream

Ghost City

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Do you really want to know what lies in Ghost City
It’s all victimhood and self pity
As the doors all swing shut
And I’m obsessed with the land my heart abuts
Because it’s never right now, it’s always tomorrow 
And I make a living out of sorrow
As I trek to nowhereland
Do you know life’s made of sand
And the hourglass holds your hand 
As it quietly evaporates
You can journey through many states
But the most valuable just might be
The ones that require integrity
To get through intact
Is it a sin I don’t want you back
And forgiveness flows through my veins
But I’ve spent years in imaginary chains
Thinking of what you did to me
Constructing some kind of history
That makes sense of the haunting tone
When I’m in my room all alone
But it’s always been with me
As I grapple with intensity
And let people believe the lie
That death is when people cry

Sister Soul

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Ijust wanna protect her
And I’m so mad that he’d reject her
And ruin her starlit shine
It’s kind of like the light that used to be mine
And now she sings of a defeat, years ago
I close my eyes because I should not know
But I do
I still feel you
In the cobwebs of my mind
Kind of like a secret I’ve left behind 
And we tangled up our avenues 
I sing of heaven without you
And innocence lost
She paid the price but at what cost

The Age Of Yesteryear

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The age of yesteryear
Reminds me of how things should be
I see myself running through fields
Endlessly free
I see myself bog bound
As we bring home the turf
I see myself in Delphi
As we learn how to surf
And I can't hold onto the weight 
Of passing time
I can't isolate a memory
And call it mine
And I'm flicking through pages
Though substance be naught
I'm dreaming of sages
In a net where I'm caught
And they call it samsara 
Or the endless spin
They call it karma
But can you let love in
To break across the landscape
Like a sunset to dawn
Can you finally realise
A state where pain is gone 

Photo by Iwan Shimko on Unsplash.com

Collateral Beauty

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

I’m angry at you for stealing time
From me with you that should be mine
Before death takes you finally
I want to have you here with me
To love and to have and hold
I want to see you growing old
And grey haired man the boy I met
I promise I will not forget

Thicket

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

If you’re gonna leave I’d rather you just go
Than traipse round in your boots putting on a show
If you really don’t care then I’d rather just know
Than go along for the ride you have on the down low
And you ride the wave of just being there
But you won’t tell me a truth that lays us both bare
So we move along in random solitude
Imposed externally by your attitude
So don’t bite the bait if the rope is too fine
And don’t tell me a lie that you are mine
But for all my efforts at heavy expense
The woods on your side don’t get any less dense

A Song of Grief and Longing

.Reading time 6 minutes.

There’s much variation in land masses
Always a new city
A conglomeration of buildings standing wall to wall
But when you really sit back to look at it, we’re under a sky that doesn’t care at all
And I’ve been searching with my soul in a backpack, trying to pinpoint a star
To find the spot underneath that holds the key to my heart
But whatever the patterns drawn out in a spherical sky
It’s a different shape in actuality than appears to my eye
And is not revolving the way planetariums suppose
But rather my whole world shares in one universal prose
Just another ball of rock or a living breathing being
But it has no qualms as to the tears it will streak across the picture that we’re seeing
As it hurricanes humanity with tidal wave force
We talk about protecting the planet but it shows no remorse
To an inessential species whose disposability
Terrifies the midnight of what we presume ourselves to be
And all the ancient wisdom and the markings in caves
Doesn’t stop the onslaught of what comes at me in waves
Building to a crescendo like a fire crackling sticks
I’m burning in the flames and we’re all just candle wicks
With limited lifespan getting shorter every day
You can’t decry the summer solstice and what it puts away
Just a season cyclically is my life in reverb
I’m sorry I got mad at you, it’s just you hit a nerve
When you spoke to me the truth and I finally realised
The centre of gravity coming from your eyes
And it spoke to me of the weight that I had learned to bear
And the cracks in my facade that nothing can repair
Like all searing honesty it hit me instantly
To know that I am not for you all you are to me
A bridge to the other side where somethings ushered in
The death of all that I had hoped never would begin
And a kind of comfort to see somewhere outside
A part of me reflected that I could abide
And love fervently and true and far beyond reproach
I’m falling through the shadows and you were my last hope
As infinitesimal emptiness turns monumental ache
I have long wondered what it is that wakes
And moves through this body as a ramrod guide
Forcing me to walk down paths when I would rather hide
And salvage in the yard all of my remains
See through the desperation that was fueling my pain
That set me in the car that I drove off the road
And crumpled underneath the silk of a heavy load
As mountainous the forests stood me in their stead
But when I looked up from death I found something else instead
Or rather it found me in the long lost of a cab
Trapped in the humanity of thinking you are bad
That all your faults are real and the demons that pursue
Are not phantoms insubstantial but intensely part of you
That even though the night is deep and misty black
Somewhere a light pierced through that nothing can take back
For once you have seen or been struck down wherein you stand
You can’t undo the protein chain that makes you understand
That all of life’s a bottle just bobbing in the sea
And my only mistake was thinking it was me
That moves in with the tide and out again in motion
All I am is not what is suggested by the ocean
That rhythms by the moon as we once again seek meaning
For the reasoning behind the cohesion life’s agreeing
Resting on a pinprick of knife edge subsistence
There could be no higher order when we’re committed to resistance
As we lose our lives in seeking to grapple with and hold
You can’t capture the ochre that fades the sunset gold
With ardent eyes affectionate, though you give in to stare
I still look at the space left without you there
But no matter how I try to contain the marshalled sound
There is no hiding the obviousity when you are not around
And seeping at the pores is the unmanned sovereignty
That you were not contained by your relationship to me
And the love that bound our bodies loosened and let go
It may be many years, I still miss you though
No matter what they say or the way it all conspires
I’ll kneel down and be burnt in these purifying fires
To finally succumb to the white light that I am
It was there all along I just didn’t see the plan
Or connect the dots as they speckled my vision
You cut me through the heart with clinical precision
And I found that in the beating something was alive
I don’t have to die to be by your side

Combustion

.Reading time 6 minutes.

I have a propensity to fall for dark eyed men
The kind you love then never see again
Don’t know what it is about their twisted souls
But there’s a depth I can’t plumb and I am sold
As you watch the light dawn in someone’s else’s eyes
Their sensitivity cracks and to your surprise
They break wide open into your hands
And look at you as though no one understands
As if you’ve been admitted to their confidence strange
But you’re at the mercy of what will change
As the sands shift the ground under your feet
It was only that one time that we got to meet
And though they throw reputations like yours to the dirt
They can’t make me regret the way that it hurt
The perfect pain to stand on your stage
Realising I’m a scene on the previous page
And I’m left in the wings just to look on
At what never was mine and now is long gone
To think I could hold your soul in my palm
The silence belying a deadly calm
Like standing in the eye of a hurricane
Two seconds later it’s ripped apart again
But though you protest to innocent degrees
About what you meant, I do not believe
Though you may try to conquer the sea
Doesn’t mean you can escape what you are to me
As oceans swell and fall back with the tide
I signed up for it all so I’m down for the ride
And if it may happen the moment perchance
I’ll just be the post script you tried to romance
And emotionally abuse what you have found
I have to admit I love when you’re around
Because for all the lies you conceal with a stare
You cannot hide what I know is there
And hidden beneath each surface I touch
Is someone within and I love you so much
Though they may call it codependency
They never saw horizons like you and me
And clipped are their wings as they settle for less
Than the subtle perfection in my distress
So don’t regret what you cannot achieve
I am forever bound to the darkness you weave
And what is real will stand monumental
You’re not a bad guy just cause you are gentle
And let your voice drop so soft and low
I only hate what I don’t want to go
Cause you can’t abstain from all you desire
I never want to be the one to put out your fire
Ephemerality and the lack of constraint
Are all a part of the picture you paint
And I guess I just wished I could be the one
To unlock the chains so you’d come undone
And relish the life that makes you what you are
But I am only light fusion bound within a star
An effortless firefly in the cosmos complete
I was born to be gracious in defeat
And find the source of the unquenchable longing
The home to fulfil my sense of belonging
The ache that never seems to go out
But you soothe it so easily with your mouth
And the words that spill from your lips
Dash on the rocks as my mask slips
Into trust and vulnerability
As you perceive strength in my fragility
And though there is substance in all you portray
They just write you off as consuming your prey
But I could never object to being such quarry
Or bend the knee to say that I am sorry
Though you steal from me all I ever had
The reality of you could never be bad
Never knew what it meant til I got you alone
You are the crack in my heart of stone
A weakness no one can repair
The mark you left will always be there
And they say don’t suffer just as evidence
But I’ve always lived this way because I can’t condense
My feelings into a digestible form
I may be an ice princess but my blood is warm
A reminder of what is eternally true
In the cynicism we’ve grown through
And that somewhere, somehow a celestial being
Once gave me the gift of what he was seeing
To be revolved in perceptual bliss
I only grieve the things that I miss
And even loss can be profound
When you listen to the open sound
And realise in space and time
You can’t always make matter of what is divine
And claimed by death must always be
The starcrossed lovers of destiny

War and Ignorance

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

War
Fights with itself
Until
It’s is a scrambling mess of bodies
And guns
Discharged
And fully functional
And the mangled wreaths
Of blood and flesh scatter around
As a reminder
Of the wilful ignorance
Of the human condition
To drive itself to the depths of hell
And then say
It is necessary
To survive, to kill
To eradicate the enemy
So that we can fulfil
That which is every empty
And dying
And death will be not our master
But we its king
As we greet it like an old friend
And coming running into its arms
Triumph
We will triumph

The White Patterns On The Wall

.Reading time 1 minute.

Beautiful designs paint patterns on the wall
As the faded white lines are designed to enthral
And stun my eyes into a kind of subtraction
That robs me blind of the power of action
And as I stay rooted on the one spot
I think of all the things that I am not
And never could grow up to be
In the conscience of silence it was never me
As I lost my purpose and my will to believe
In anything more than what’s up your sleeve
As you wound me in spindles that went round the earth
I grew up to learn that love could never hurt
Just the jealousy that accompanies that kind of attraction
Could you call it anything more than the king of subtraction
That steals from you the sweetest of feelings
And pours regret into all of your dealings
And how did I come to be bowed down so low
When it was so clear that you’re where I’m to go
And just like a shepherd trying to keep still the night
I don’t know if I harbour the vestiges of fright
For ever having seen an angel celest
I cannot deny that you are the best

Reborn

.Reading time 1 minute.

I can turn off the lights and pretend I don’t care
Like the pain of loss isn’t really there
Like I don’t feel in every movement I make
The power of what you chose to take
From me, off me when you left for the woods
And you told me softly it was for my own good
But how can I believe a liars clothes
When you once promised lines in acres of prose
And I never could really detach myself from you, hard as I might try
I’ll be betrothed eternal to you til I die
And when the after comes as I know for sure it will
The sun will be reborn and I will take my fill
And drink from the cup so pleasant on my lips
As you block out the moon in your beautiful eclipse
And if ever I had a wish it would be just for you
And I’m sorry I have to say, you aren’t wishing for me too

The Reminder

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

You look at me with that hypnotic stare
Is there a real person under there
And you poison the paradise that ventures my soul
Was it just a dream that I could be whole
When we are both halves of the same coin
Let man not part what God thought to join
And in the rivers of death and of misery
I want all the pain brought back to me
Because each slice is a reminder of us
And the bridge that we built in stone walls of trust
So turn to your new life if that’s what you deign
But just to let you know, my love will remain

Silence and Virtue

.Reading time 1 minute.

Does it matter what I say when I mean nothing to you
And is it all just for attention when I do what I do
So should I just be silent and keep my heart in check
Because when you left I found myself a wreck
And had to rebuild what you had destroyed
And understand the methods that you had employed
To do such damage to an even keel
There was an ocean that was too much to feel
But I tried and I learned to right myself once more
Although there is no way that I can put back that floor
That once held me up, so solid and so true
And decimation now is what I am to you
As I fall into the darkness, into the endless of the stars
I find that the universe has no prison bars
And everything is for my growth, everything is for my healing
And there is nothing inside that you can go stealing
So I find that in truth my love will never die
Because it does not reside in you, it resides in I
And it is ever pure and celestially soul
I find that in this moment I am incandescent whole

Heavy Roads

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

Beautiful disasters don’t come in threes
It’s the kind of love that brings me down to my knees
And breaks apart my heart and soul
When we first met I felt so whole
And I wonder do they know what went on in between
When we both awoke inside the other’s dream
Before it turned to nightmares of the mind
Before the moment I left you behind
And all the twists and turns wander the roads
The weight is heavy and the stress it shows
Among the guilt of breaking her down
The water rises and I start to drown
Because I just cannot escape the truth
I love you and I never put it to use

Titanic

.Reading time 2 minutes.

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An emotion that rises from the bowl of my heart
Blue round the edges, midnight from the start
It grows up like waves and encircles me whole
Submerged by its weight in an ocean of coal
In a river titanic that’s growing in size
Bearing down quick and destroying my lies
More hell than heaven, harbinger of doom
The death of us all coming in soon
Fading in a moment, all the people I love
The strength of this sunk like a dove
Close my eyes, my pupils turn in
To meet dark with dark and see what it brings
I can’t bear anymore to watch people leave
My heart shredded up as it hangs on my sleeve
No words of kindness, no enveloping hugs
Stems a current that burgeons out plugs
Any attempts that I make fall flat on their face
As I hold back air like I’m losing a race
Futility complete as I reflect my own eyes
To feel it all fall the point of my life

I’m not of this place, could not be my home
When I was born to love those that are gone
True to the feeling that beats in my soul
Feel it on my lips as it swallows me whole
Drop into sunshine, drop away from the tears
Know I’ve been alive for millions of years
Those not around are a dew drop away
Feel them touch my skin when I just let it lay
Closer in absence than they ever have been
A taste of a world that I’ve never seen

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/206673070378676877/

Skylight

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

I can’t take it when the weather changes
And the landscape rearranges
And the daylight that you thought you knew
Has been replaced by nighttime blue
When you have come to love the warm days
And the good times of relaxing laze
A change comes expected and forecast
But still sudden and meant to last
You miss the old but get on and make do
Spend all my time wishing and hoping for you