Tag: grief

The Literary Pen

.Reading time 3 minutes.
They all called me the literary pen 
But she said she wouldn’t live it again 
And I felt flattened, raw 
Til I was thirty five in the great thaw
And it’s an age I haven’t reached as of yet 
But it’s also something I cannot forget 
And she was it all to me 
Twenty years since I saw myself future hence
Living with her in the past tense 
And it cuts like a knife 
To know that he and his wife
Are no longer around 
And every breath relays the sound 
Of the emptiness of a chair 
And the person that once sat there 
It’s purple and maroon 
And there was once life in that room 
And saying goodbye nearly killed my soul 
So I just roll 
With the tidal waves 
And the people nothing saves 
Except the angels who come to collect 
The edges of the dreams I have wrecked
I lay on the floor 
Of the bathroom I abhor 
Near the ward in Roscommon Hospital 
But there’s nothing soothing about the cross of it all 
Because I know what’s coming 
And she half raised this young ‘un
And the nightmare is that it’s true
And I know there’s is no keeping you 
Not in the way things were before 
Then I realised something about you, mo stór
My grandmother’s prayers are still protecting me 
Even when it seems life is rejecting me 
I have another fifty years to go to reach the age of depart 
And I thought my whole heart 
Went with you when you go 
Didn’t realise it meant that you stay with me though 
Because the thump thump in my chest 
Still holds the strings of those I love best
And the glass shatters all over the tiles
And I pick them up for miles and miles 
Because there is a coffin across the road 
And I can’t escape the road 
That we all must take 
Til I collapse and wake 
At the wake 
And the person I will not forsake 
Not for all the money or the tea in China 
Is that all it will take to remind ya 
That love lasts forever 
Not a memory of a lost endeavour 
That sank to the bottom of the ocean 
And all this emotion 
Comes in waves 
Like seasons come in days
Slowly, bit by bit 
I come to know who I’m walking with

The Mourning

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The mourning seems to follow me round
I hear it quench and I savour the sound 
And my grandmother lay on the settee 
And there were moments she did not recognise me 
And Rocky was nearby because he knew
Something I could not put words into 
And the past comes to mind 
And I’m full of tears at what’s left behind 
And they say that that’s just life 
Because everybody’s wife 
Must someday leave this ground 
And the weight of hate abound 
As the countries bomb each other 
And someone cries for their brother
Who is caught in the crossfire
But the powers that be never seem to tire
Of inflicting wrath
And I can’t go back 
To how it was before 
Before I lost you, mo stór 
I was fourteen and the cracked glass
Never thought to ask 
Who it was breaking 
But I know I am not forsaking 
What we are 
I look up at every star 
And see you there
And the grief is sometimes more than I can bear
Then the light shone 
And it was like the pain was gone 
But how can I love you if I don’t remember
The loss that your departure engender 
And I sit beside you in the hospital bed
But I know you are not in your head
I can feel you floating somewhere above
Looking down and blessing me, love
Like you’ve done for my whole life 
I’m just glad no one lives twice 
Because I don’t think I could lose you again
And in this world of men 
There is a female blessing 
That comes through the fold that is distressing 
To my core 
I don’t know if I believe in God anymore 
But I believe that love endure 
And you taught me what it means to be pure

Each Grain Of Sand

.Reading time 1 minute.
It’s a nightmare we’re all dreaming
And somewhere the children are screaming
And it aches in my heart and it pulls at my soul
Something crushes the begging bowl
And flattens the land
The hills and valleys that used to understand 
All the movement and all the sighs
I watch a brother break as his sibling dies
And his wails of pain seem all to familiar to me
Because I know the crushing weight of the sea
As it pummels the shore 
What is left to adore
In this broken world
And if I am just a girl
How do I effect change
But I watch the stars rearrange
Every season in the sky
As I ask God why
He could allow such things
And if the spirit has wings
Does it fly away from here
When it’s separated from the ones we hold dear
In a man made disaster
And there is no plaster
Than can fix bullet holes 
And we’re all just supposed to play our roles
In this great big cosmic machine
And I thank God that it is just a dream
As I rouse to wake
The people that die for humanity’s sake 
I feel something break
And go free in me
Are we doomed to repeat history
Or can we be the change we want to see
If there’s a man in the mirror it starts with me

Image Credit: https://pin.it/4l3k8ocAf

Broken Arrows

.Reading time 1 minute.
She uses broken arrows to fire at me 
Then says that she sets me free 
But her archery is not second place
And she knows how to deface 
A wall with her spray paint eyes 
And bulletproof disguise
And we’ll never be what we were 
Because you cracked the crisp leaf beside her 
And stabbed me in the front (only enemies stab you in the back)
Still though your love don’t mean jack 
Not now, not anymore
And I’ll always have affection for you, mo stór
But our two by two is now shattered glass 
Because you thought he just wanted ass 
And so you sought to protect
Me from being a reject
But in seeing me in the lowest terms
I set fire to the hay and it burns 
Up all the crackling grass
And she said that this too shall pass
But she’s not the one who has to live through the story 
I know she’ll just ignore me 
If I try to press my case
So I fall silent in the land gone to waste
And spill it all out onto a page
All my bubbling pain and held back rage 
When she’s in the room 
I don’t know, you echo the bells of doom 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/189Oq6Nem

The Wake

.Reading time 2 minutes.
It’s an Irish tradition 
But it feels like ammunition 
Firing into my soul 
Oh, what it takes to be whole
When a person is ripped from this earth
And people just say, I’m sorry that it hurt 
As I look at the body in the coffin 
And it wasn’t for a lack of lovin’
That it’s in there 
All the people who care
Are seated in a square
Around the walls
A four cornered room and we walk down the halls
Lined up in black 
And the slack 
That is cut like a new shirt 
Won’t still the breath that we skirt
“She looks the same”
Or “He looks peaceful” and his name
Is met by an inflection of the head
The horror of when someone is dead 
And there’s nothing you can do to get them back
I remember when they carried him out and lack
The ability to hold the memory in equanimity
Coz it’s the last time I’ll ever see
Him in that way
What do they say?
This too shall pass
But I don’t want it to if the love don’t last
Though the memory is like a baseball bat
And people wonder what am I at
Haunting the halls
I say it wouldn’t be this way if the walls
Would just fall down
But I drown 
In the ocean I open up
In the name of love 
And tears they pour like a saltwater sea
Down my cheeks and cut a valley through me
Like a glacier that moved the ground
To make Kilglass lake and the sound 
Of the drumlin belt echoing calls
Across the marsh and the footballs
That just hang in the sky
Why did my grandfather have to die? 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/3WrNKckbu

Ripped From His Mother’s Arms

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I watch the Palestinian children die
And why do I get to cry
When their eyes are dry 
And a parent weeps over the corpse 
While soldiers laugh with no remorse 
And the commanders drop another bomb
Where has our humanity gone 
Do we not see ourselves in the other 
See our sister and brother 
In every battered storm front of war 
And I just look at her
And see the death that I know
The pain life has visited upon me slow
That must be experienced by the masses
Or as they’re designated - the lower classes
While I sit and sup my tea
Knowing full well that it could be me 
If I lived a hundred and eighty years ago 
When the British starved us slow 
To death 
And there is a memory that does not forget
It’s held like generational pain 
And I resonate with the acid rain 
That falls from white phosphorus plumes
Into lungs and living rooms
And burns into skin and sears 
People with images of those they hold dear 
Suffering and crucified
In every single one who’s died
Is the hidden heat 
Of the love that makes my heart beat 
And no claims of anti-semetic
Can make me subscribe to the rhetoric 
That justify the claims of war
When the dust settles what will all this be for 
And will we survive another spin of the wheel 
That makes us deny what we feel 
So we are capable of 
The worst of what I’ve listed above 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/9VxLQNC2o

Standing In The Heat

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health***

I’m standing in the heat
And I feel the power of us meet
As we are seventeen and eighteen 
I learned that every dream 
I ever had
Could be tied to feeling bad
Because it all gets taken away from me 
One way or another by time or indignity 
And you were sent like a saint
Now it’s my blood you use to paint
Your facebook page 
And I feel a certain scent of rage
Colour my cheeks 
That you think I’m weak 
And need the help of my family
When I’ve always rebelled at what they wanted from me 
Now I’m held like a noose 
As though I’m the golden goose
That must be prized in case she is set loose
By her own hand 
But I wouldn’t worry, I am grand
And have no intention to jump from a cliff
It’s all held in a what if 
And the march of time 
Can steal everything but what’s mine 
God plucked me from the sea
When dying was all that was left of me 
And I fought my way to the shore
Gasping and what’s more 
I was tired and wrecked 
And something woke while I slept 
And in the bathroom I couldn’t bear
To look in a mirror that would tear
Who I was to pieces
Coz everything that’s born deceases
And my grandmother just left this earth
And I can’t seem to bear the hurt
I was fourteen 
And my scream 
Was silent and unheard
Except by that holy bird
Who alight on my shoulder
And somehow roll away the boulder
In the mouth of the tomb
I find my Jesus and resume 
My prostrations at the feet of my Lord
It’s not over till you hear the spoken Word
Made flesh 
And every regret 
Falls to the floor 
As I worship what I was born to adore 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/2bYIcdztm

Losing The Love Of My Life

.Reading time 2 minutes.
What is the call of New York
And why is there a fork 
In the road and on the table 
And I am not able 
To leave it all behind 
Even if I must go out of my mind
Or be labelled as such 
Because I love you so much 
And I couldn’t be there when you died
Because the man asked me how I am and I cried
So I got locked up in St. Pat’s again 
And it may be the will of men
To contain what they don’t understand 
But I look at you and you just say “it’s grand, 
I won’t leave you a grá mo chroí”
And even though my broken knee
Falls to the floor
I know there’s more
Than just screaming into the air
“She’s not there, she’s not there”
And it was all I could do not to hit my head off the wall
And they console me but I fall 
Into their lap and rebel against the constraint
Of being okay with the colour she paint
Because everyone has their own way
But I must do what she say
If I’m not to be medicated
And I may be educated 
But it has been the work of my life
To make sure I don’t become a wife
And go down with the ship 
Or the forests that they equip 
With cutting trees
And the birds and the bees 
Buzz around my head
But I would give it all up just to lay in bed
And mourn 
And look forlorn 
Because all that shattered glass
Never got me an A in class
It only ever drew blood
Now I’m standing in the wood
Trying to catch the soul that escape 
And the red cape 
Couldn’t stop the passage of time 
And my only crime 
Was trying to pause the air
Now I look at your chair and you’re not there

Image Credit: https://pin.it/2Fl2VHdmT

Like A Drowning Man Needs Air

.Reading time 3 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health***



The boat rocked when the wave shook me to my core
And I kindly showed her to the door 
When she took out the dagger and it caught the light
And I could see in the night
That she never wished me well
And it rained holy hell
On my town 
I contemplated what it would be like to drown 
In a nearby lake 
Would she come to my wake 
Like the whole community does when someone dies
Then someone’s loved one cries
And I couldn’t do that to them 
But I wouldn’t like to be back there again 
Because it was as pitch as the blackest dark 
And it left a mark 
The scar is what I cherish now 
Because the truth got to me somehow
And I don’t understand the Lord but he saved my life
And he doesn’t want me to just be a wife
And surrender and go down 
Like everyone does everywhere around
It’s like you hit thirty
And everything you thought was dirty
Suddenly looks so damn appealing 
And there were comics that I was stealing 
The day I followed a trail 
And I swore my soul was not for sale 
But I danced on the edge of a cliff
Balancing on a what if 
And it mattered to me less than naught
But what if I get caught
So I commit myself to an institution 
Maybe they can straighten out my convolution
And I’ve always had a strong constitution 
But it doesn’t hold up under this pressure
There’s nothing like a doctor to stress ya
Especially when they’ve got all the power
But I am not one to cower
So I just run to the sea
But they’re still watching me 
As I find a corner of the room 
That doesn’t sink with the sound of doom 
That echoed around that place
And I couldn’t show my face
To anyone at all 
I just remember the length of the hall
When you’re walking it alone
And they’ve taken my phone 
So I follow Sinéad and pace the route 
But they jot down that I follow suit 
And it’s all just a case study to them
And they assure me it will happen again 
If I forsake the pills
And the bending of my wills
But I’m about done with this
I’m still thinking about Jack’s kiss

Image Credit: https://pin.it/5fBfyYE0j

The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/oXz4MfZ0t

I Don’t Know Where To Start

.Reading time 1 minute.
She’s buried under the weight of timber
And she calls me a sinner
For what she cannot see
That it has devastated me 
And he looks at me that way
And there’s so much I want to say
But I can’t and now it’s never
That’s the hard part of forever
It doesn’t let go
And so 
I let the waves rise up 
To overflow the cup 
Of water I’ve been drinking 
They say that it’s overthinking 
But somehow it feels more real 
And it’s just that she cannot deal
With her own grief she fires at dart at me
And I don’t have the heart to let it be
I storm up a flame and turn away
Go deaf to everything she say
Coz it’s all a repetition 
Of something she learned in some edition 
Of something she read 
And I never said 
What I meant 
But when I sent 
That letter true
I thought it would deliver to you
But it must have missed the mark 
Now I’m just swinging swords in the dark 
And hoping to connect 
With a dream I seem to have wrecked
With my steady brutality
Oh, the weight of what’s been placed on me
Is a blessing true
And all of this because I lost you

Image Credit: https://pin.it/70DkYviwq

Melting Brokenness

.Reading time 1 minute.
My heart is touched
By the ones I love so much
And I can’t bear the loss
Bearing the heavy weight of cost
Of all this time 
And everything that’s mine 
Will one day belong to the sky
We do not know the hour we die
Or the day or the year
All I know is that a tear
Slides down my face
When something goes to waste
Because it was not said
And it pounds in my head
As I’m lying in bed
Hoping to stay warm
And all form 
Is permeable to 
The water that just wears through 
Our steady soul 
And the waves roll
Over the Burren floor
It was once at the bottom of the ocean and what’s more
It’s solidity 
Is only apparent when it’s taken from me 
To go sliding away 
I close my eyes to the day 
And embrace the night
Have people ask; “are you alright?”
And yes I am, but no I’m not 
Like asking a candle is it hot
As it slowly melts 
This is made to be felt 
As it sits in my chest
And holds the people I love the best 
In the Kilglass sun
What if everything is the One

Image Credit:https://pin.it/PuIbVU1LS

The Sadness That Embraces

.Reading time 1 minute.
The inner child weeps
And she never sleeps
For all the people she loves
Will one day be above
Or at least that’s what they say
I don’t know if it is that way
But I’ve always felt the wrench
Felt the knot in my gut clench
As it tries to clasp
What it knows can never last
Not in a hundred million suns
Not in finding the sacred one
Because the heat must die
To find the reason that you try
To reach the sky
And I
Just find tears
Amidst all the years
And cling to the frame
The door that bears my name
But it can’t weather the storm 
Of the heart that beats me warm 
In the summer free
I feel death stalking me 
And in the winter fine
I feel that it is time
To let the leaves go
Let the winds blow
Let the waters flow
And find that there is no separation, you know

Image Credit: https://pin.it/3xswioEV7

Run To The States

.Reading time 1 minute.
Run to the states
And they’re asking who it is she dates
And I’m so focused on 
People being gone 
That I can’t see them when they are here
And, Lord knows, I hold them dear
But I just cannot contort into shapes
The air in my lungs escapes
As I try to be the solid stance
Then a beautiful boy asks me to dance
And I say no because he wants a kiss
And I know I would miss
If I ever thought to try
I just wonder what will happen when we all die
And western society is obsessed with youth
It always seemed a little uncouth
At a three day wake
You’d swear the dead would make the ground quake 
And join in the festivity
All joking aside they are still with me
I feel my grandmother’s breath against my cheek 
And when I feel weak 
I know her prayers save my life
I don’t think she knew the strife
I walked through when she was alive
But I let the veil fall and our love survive
The transition out of form 
And she may not have been warm 
When she lay so still 
But her spirit never will 
Grow cold as the grave
She is the power that save
Me from my own mistakes 
I let her help and the fever breaks 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/Zgd7zB6wA

The Riverbed

.Reading time 1 minute.
I read a book about the riverbed
And the man working out in the shed
Turned out to be 
A grandfather that had been missing me 
Since his passing 
And it’s classing
Things as one or the other 
That separates you from your brother 
In arms or truth
And misspent youth
Is no secret to keep 
The days I’ve been dying in my sleep 
Trying to fly
And I know that you die
Every day I think of you 
Because separation between us two 
Is not something I can stare
Down and just not care 
It’s been over twenty two years 
And it’s still as fresh today
I asked God to never take away
The wound so raw
But the great thaw
Is stilling the pain
And the blood just falls on me like rain
As I give up the grain
That stains the wood I lean upon 
The tree of me that is long gone 
And it crumbled in the storm
They say they were trying to keep me warm 
But it was their ice that burned my core
And I don’t want to be part of it anymore
So I escape to America 
I can’t say why the esoterica 
Always calls to me 
And points me to the door to the free
That opens from within 
And in my heart I find him 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/4FZmREg0b

The Age Of Existence

.Reading time 1 minute.
I can feel a wave and I’m getting ready to surf it
The bog is flat before you turf it
And build it into little towers
Stacking sods with all our powers
Until our backs ache
And we take a break
To soak in cool 7up
By the pores, it’s enough 
And those were the days of sunburn
And racing my sisters to take a turn
At who could be the best
Then copping out coz we need a rest
And is this the end to the quest
Stand up on Sundays at the behest
Of the Lord that commands
In the acres of desert sands
To find just what we are
Led by the light of the star
That shine over the stable 
Get up and sing, if you’re able
Or the sadness will just consume
One day you’re the only one in the room
And holding the light in tilting frame
Barely able to say your name
With lips that quiver with the weight
And hearts that have surrendered the hate
And age takes it all, even the body
Time wearing out like the car getting shoddy
And someday you must face the succumb
Only tell tales of when you were young
But in reality you can’t relive
Only hold your hands out to forgive
All that you couldn’t get by with
I rely on my soul, the departure of wit
Knows me all too well
I’ll choose Heaven over some kind of hell

Exasperation

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I was fourteen and lost in the dream 
Til she rendered it everything it had never been
And a lightning crack struck the stone 
To tell me I was never alone
Not in my darkest day
You know the one I wanted to make go away
In the summer as I watched her die
Slowly and I couldn’t cry
Coz a tear might mean I would miss a moment 
With her and wouldn’t own it 
There was that morning I came and had breakfast with you 
Cornflakes with warm milk and you
Put the heater on under my feet 
So that I might meet a warmer day
Why did you have to go away
I ask myself that all the time 
And almost twenty years line
The road that took you from me 
Do you remember that day we 
Almost had a game of cards 
But someone came in and something hard
I had to accept
Was that I would have to regret 
The time we almost played rummy on the settee 
I know you were doing it for me 
And you ask for ice cream and jelly
Just days before you die and my belly
Still aches for your rhubarb tart 
The one you make like a work of art 
As you coat each piece in sugar and give some to me
Say good things come to those who wait and my heart is set free
From some imaginary chains 
It’s been nothing but torrential rains 
Since 2004
I keep thinking you’ll walk in the door 
Like that time up in UCD 
For a moment I could swear that we
Are both in the same room 
Or the student union shop if I’m singing in tune
But it passes almost as soon as it comes 
And I grasp again at when I was young 
And I was sitting on your knee 
I know you’ve been set free
It’s just I know you’d never leave me 
So this Heaven you speak of has gotta be
Nearer than close, than intimacy 
Could it be that you are One with me
Like the Buddhists describe
That you are really still alive 
Just in another dimension 
And the veil fell without mention 
Of the aforementioned fact 
The ones you’ve lost you can get back 
If you just trust the bough to break 
God puts you there for your own sake

Photo Credit: https://pin.it/5rQRlqFzc

The Darkness That Ensued

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The darkness that ensued
And all I could do was brood
Over the way things had come to be
Confinement was the only mystery 
I could bear to hold
So I ran from the fields of gold
To the chains in the city
And it was more self pity
Than it was bravery
I couldn’t face the truth
And the pillars of my youth
Are falling around me 
Now I have no grandfather to ground me
So I just grasp at empty air
Because you are no longer there
To catch me when I fall 
And see me play football
Down at the pitch
Making a switch
With Linda on the field 
But the wind blows and I yield 
To it and let you go 
It was harder than you know
To relax my grasp 
On the part of me that was born to last
And I couldn’t cry tears
Despite the years 
We spent together 
And the weather
Turned suddenly snow
And somehow I just know
That it’s time 
And my crime
Is that I couldn’t bear to face
This aspect of the human race
That we must say goodbye
To the people we love as they die
And I’m hearing voices
The people in Pat’s say it’s just noises
But I sense that I can hear
More than just the ones I hold dear
From the other side
I think they are still alive
In some other realm 
And at the helm
Is a spirit greater than we can understand 
He is not ruled over by man 
But free to birth into the world of form 
And just because my body’s warm 
Doesn’t mean that I’m separate 
From the ones my heart equate
With eternal love
And if I no longer have to look above
But within to find you there 
Would you know that I still care?

The Weather Brushes Aside

.Reading time 1 minute.
The weather brushes aside
And I am alive
Still, in spite of all the years
And the tears
Only served to make me stronger
But I don’t entertain them any longer
And I lost someone who means the most to me 
But I’ve been consoled he’s been set free
Unto the Great Expanse
Where all the spirits go to dance
When their day is done
In the realm beneath the sun
We call Earth
And the hurt 
Fails and falls apart
Under the power of the heart 
And he’s always throwing slurs 
Because he’s afraid of what we were 
In the old domain
And he’s had his share of pain 
And he takes it out on us
The female is no longer a plus
One
And undone
Is the male sovereignty 
That tries to lay claim to the best of me 
In the winter months 
And all of the stunts 
That they pull 
Can’t destroy the cotton wool 
Of being pure
It’s the one thing I know for sure

The Thread Unwinds

.Reading time 1 minute.
The thread unwinds
And are we all just out of our minds
Running blind 
Into the wind
And the boy grinned
At me like it was all okay
And somehow it was with him that day
Will I find my way back to see
The moment of eternity
That held itself out in his eyes
Deep blue opals that disguise
The soul that’s looking through
I would love to be with you
In any kind of way
No broken heart to mend today 
Just ashen earth clay pots
And calling the kettle what I’m not 
In the morning 
The sea was storming 
Until that deathly calm
It should have rang some kind of alarm
But it didn’t, I just gazed
Into a man I would have saved
If I had known how 
Now I just allow
You to breach the barrier 
And I know you wear the weather with her
I can see it through the grain
As it’s all coming down as rain 
In a January morning 
In the winter of 2013
And the dream 
Is less like shattered glass
And more like Gandalf and “You Shall Not Pass” 
But the goblins from the grave
Seem to haunt all of my days
In so many ways 
As I look into the sky
And wonder when you too will die

From The Green Green Grass Of Home

.Reading time 1 minute.
From the green, green grass of home
Leave them alone 
Don’t drop the rubble on limbs
Meanwhile the soldier grins
Despite his terror 
And the error 
Of all that has come to pass 
Is that somehow it cannot last 
In spite of all the flying swords
And the politicians with words
Seek to distance the fold
From the aforementioned fields of gold
And it’s like a story that has always been told
That somewhere in the midnight
It all breaks into daylight
But it takes some time to show
And I hold on as he’s letting go
And my tears are like a wave to crash
On a shore where my grief will smash
Everything to pieces 
Why is it that everything deceases 
And moves away from where it’s been 
If life is a dream
Then does it wake
When the earth quake 
Will all that is not true
I lay my head into you

Years Pass By

.Reading time 1 minute.
I’m on medication
Change the TV station
Because I am strong
And I have done nothing wrong
But I want to reveal 
How I feel 
For all the broken and shamed
For all of the days that cannot be named
Because of the darkness they emanate
And you feel trapped in that state
When you are in it
And the Church just says don’t sin it
But I’ve got to believe there’s another way
To articulate, to say
That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how
To deal with the weight in the fields you plough
And I want to issue to sky
That there is something that doesn’t die
In the perforate
You don’t need to equate
What you do with what you are
You are born from the scattered star
That once imploded
So though they may have goaded
You into submission
Remember your original condition 
And that shine 
God is neither yours nor mine
But the infinite 
You are not alone tonight

Years Pass By

.Reading time 1 minute.
I’m on medication
Change the TV station
Because I am strong
And I have done nothing wrong
But I want to reveal 
How I feel 
For all the broken and shamed
For all of the days that cannot be named
Because of the darkness they emanate
And you feel trapped in that state
When you are in it
And the Church just says don’t sin it
But I’ve got to believe there’s another way
To articulate, to say
That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how
To deal with the weight in the fields you plough
And I want to issue to sky
That there is something that doesn’t die
In the perforate
You don’t need to equate
What you do with what you are
You are born from the scattered star
That once imploded
So though they may have goaded
You into submission
Remember your original condition 
And that shine 
God is neither yours nor mine
But the infinite 
You are not alone tonight

The Crash And The Bang

.Reading time 3 minutes.
There was a crash and a bang
And then the phone rang
To say that he had died
And I screamed out and cried
And the memory of it sings
Like a bullet in my back and things
Were never the same after that 
Because I can’t get his light back
As it leaves his shape
I watch the soul escape
The body I thought I knew
And what if I never see you
Ever again
You were the best of men
And you would get that look that would lock
Into my gaze and I would take stock 
Of the moment that we held 
Like out on the mountain that morning as dawn broke its shell
Or the time I took a video recorder
And filmed you looking into the border
That bridges the place between you and I
I was eleven when the sigh
Escaped your lips
And my own eclipse
Began with a swathe of rage
I decided not to use a page
To document my anguished sobs
Because that would be to rob
Some of my pain from me 
And what would be left of our history
The one with Ireland on the wall
You had cut it out or you walking down the hall
In the middle of the night when all was quiet
Just a door gently shutting on the riot
That cascaded my dreams
A grandfather that isn’t all he seems
Because he is a whole life away
And I’m just starting mine, what do you say
That everything will be okay
And you love Granny and that day
You held a candle as you depart
And it nearly breaks my heart
Watching her watching you go
Why did God make us for this so
To love and to say goodbye 
I don’t mean to always cry 
When I think of twenty two years ago
It’s just I promised that the low
Would bring me a high 
And I feel you in the sky
As I gaze into a scene 
And ask God to wake the dream
Up if He possibly could 
So I walk alone in the wood
At the back of our land
Until something takes my hand 
And leads me to a monument 
That points to the place the person went 
And how could hell be heaven sent 
I swear and I eff and blind 
But it doesn’t bring me respite from the mind
That tears me into treachery 
Look your love is not lost in me
It’s just fading into eternity
One you will come to know
My surrender will not let you go

Go Back Into Your Cave

.Reading time 1 minute.
It whispers “go back into your cave”
Because there are people to save
And I can’t do it being thin
Or just kicking the can with him
Til my day arises
And everything is full of suprises
Most of them bad as hell
As people wish you well
Then stab you in the back
Smile right before they attack
I gave my heart to her
And she shattered everything we were
And I won’t go into details but
She was the bridge my fever cut 
Like a knife right through the grass
And the man just wants ass
To smack so he can be the king
He laughed at me so I took a swing
And knocked his block right off
Then Susanna got a cough
And it was open season
I ran and ran without reason 
I got lost in the ocean
I swam in a sea of emotion
And tried to get away
From the grand sway
As it unleashes hell on me
To be the dragon set free
Like some Chinese proclamation
As they worship my exclamation
Of wonder in the winsome lost 
I speak because I am the boss

Eternal Clothes

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Marriage and prose
And less travelled roads
Did I find mine
With a stranger who just took a moment of my time
And let me be
He let me go free
When I felt the fear encapsulate
Because he might want to date
Me
And eternity
Is all I know
But I have to let you know
I don’t do boys and girls
I do you are my world 
And you have become
Everything I thought when I was young
As we just talk 
And we just walk
You lift my bag
And I drag
My feet behind me
But do not mind me
I’m just shy
And I’m gonna love you til the day I die
It’s not your choice
But I raise my voice 
To let you know 
That this love won’t let me go
And find another
You’re like a lover 
I never had
And the feeling bad
Does not eclipse
The anticipation of your lips 
On mine
There was a time
I thought we were naught
Til I saw the line you bought 
With the skyline in the air
So I let you know I care
In stuttering vowels
And the wolf of death, he prowls
On the edge of conversation
And education
Can’t save us here
But she just might, my dear
And I do not begrudge 
The way you choose to express your love
And find it reflected 
In the heart you have selected 
To be yours 
And the water pures 
As it pours through the filter
And time will wilt her 
But it will not change 
The way the atoms rearragnge
To form a sphere 
I will always be with you, dear

Missing You

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Watching as the train pulls in
And I can’t help but think of him
How he’d be there every Friday evening 
Gave me something to believe him
And I left him to go walkabout
In dreams of dread and self doubt
When no one could ever see me there
And I felt like no one care
And then he died, just like that
Take in a breath he can’t give back
And I’m not even letting go
Because it’s not the same as it used to be so
I wear my armor strong and tight
Chainmail you can’t set alight
To let the stone sink down deep
There’s something of his love I keep

The Shame

.Reading time 1 minute.
***Trigger Warning***
Grief and Mental/Emotional Health
The shame as I cry in my bed
Wishing that I was also dead
Because the ripping pain sears
Separation and the years
I have to go to see
You and I eternity
In some kind of heavenly realm
A kingdom where I see you again
And the nights I resist 
Just prove to me that you exist
Somewhere in some sphere of time
I can’t speak so I write and rhyme 
All the stuff I can’t resolve 
Is grief a problem to solve 
Or is it the proof that you were here 
A memory I hold dear 
And a cracked windowscreen that says 
You can count your numbered days

Emotional Storms

.Reading time 1 minute.
My future regret
Comes in days that haven’t happened yet
And I feel guilt
Like a blade broken at the hilt
For all my sorrows and all my sins
The near misses and the almost wins
As I try to fight my true nature
Hitting like a meteor into a crater 
And leaving a mess all around
I’m silent but you hear the sound
Of everything
Of a bird on the wing
That seems to soar
Do you want something more
Than what you’ve always had
It’s stereotypical, this feeling bad
Like dread is a mountain I meet in my sleep
And broken promises are all that I keep
Close to me as I lie on my pillow
Bending the truth like it’s a weeping willow
Just to measure up
Please, Lord, take away this cup
But the present moment ever is
And this life is only His
In His majesty 
Just don’t wave a red flag at me

Eyesight

.Reading time 1 minute.
I can see the craters on the moon
And that’s better than leaving way too soon
Coz the midnight knows my name
And I play piano like it’s a game
And stress everybody out
With my errant doubt
And all that I do without
I silently scream instead of shout
And they never understand 
All the monuments I have planned
To my underscore
I have less that’s wanting more
In the dewy air
All the absent answered prayers
As I call out to the sky
Say I’m not afraid to die
But is that wishing for the scorch
Instead of white picket fences and a front porch
And I try to explain 
About precipitation when it’s pouring rain
And I do it once more
Knock on every open door
To file away
Check on me if I don’t smile today

MCR

.Reading time 1 minute.
The dark side of myself likes MCR
And I’ve tried to keep control of her 
But she keeps bursting at the seams 
And waking up in all my dreams 
To tell me how to live 
And to just forgive 
The slights made
The flights you were afraid 
To take 
Now the wake 
Is full of people drinking beer
They don’t seem to notice death is near
As I sit beside the coffin
And remember our time on Inisbofin
When I fell and bumped my head
Against a rock and now you’re dead
But are you really? I sense you’re free
And not constrained to lines like me 
Your soul expands 
And all these slipping sands 
Are just the flow of time 
I try to capture as I rhyme 
To still the torrent 
But it doesn’t warrant 
The armed brigade 
The bodies you can’t save 
As they march off to war
I look back at her
And she seems to know 
All that I cannot let go
I shake at the edge of the fray
She whispers that it’s all okay
But I can’t trust, can I
In that which will never die

The Long Forgiveness

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I don’t want to let go of the feeling
Because it means I must let go of you
And I don’t want to
They all teased us about each other
But sometimes you were like the brother
I never had
And it makes me sad
To think that I
Must wait until I die 
To see your visage again
I should’ve told you I could talk with pen
And write a sonnet for you
Is moving on the same as pulling through
Coz he threw those words at me
But he simply doesn’t see
That life takes care of life
And somebody’s wife
Or somebody’s son
Is warm with the waves that come from the sun
Pure photon light
Balancing between here and alright
And must I escape
A hero in a red cape
Comes to save the day
But he can’t bring back what’s gone away
And what would you say
About things like that
Love is not something that you lack
But something that pours through
Right now I’m starring in a role and you
Have dissipated 
Have I ever hated 
Life so much
To vanish what was warm to the touch
And sincere and honest
They talk about Heaven but I wouldn’t count on it
To save the day
We are born to go away
And must make hay
In the sun we know
Tell me what to do, a stór, the show
Must go on
But how do I love with you gone
How do I let a man into my heart
When it’s been broken and the part
I crave the most
Is with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Powerlessness

.Reading time 1 minute.
Powerlessness
You’re gone, you’re gone
And I didn’t even get to say so long
With your spiky hair
And the way you have of always being there
Are you Spirit now, do you wander through walls
Touching hearts, leave us all enthralled 
With your vagabond
And I abscond 
To elope 
Coz it’s at least a way that I can cope
With the gaping hole, the void, the void 
You were never just one of the boys
And no one has the answer
Life is the movement and you’re just the dancer
On the stage of life
I wonder if I would’ve been your wife
In the years that passed
I thought about it but I never asked 
You to my grad
Now I sit alone and I feel bad
For what we never got to be
And she
Crushes me with a glance
Another spiral, another lance
On the boil of truth
Oh, what is youth
But the sudden celebration and the demise
But it disappears when I look in your eyes
And all I can see is the expanse
I watched you and Linda dance
And felt a pang of jealousy 
Or something akin to it because we
Have a moment by the bar
And that star
Still shines for you
I survive because you want me to

Issues

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The pain reverberates around the inner wall of my sanctum
All is lost and I never thanked him
For who he was to me
They say that death is to be set free
But chains encircle and the vice, it grips
Some people escape by going on head trips
I sit in the suffer 
Coz I know you loved her
In your short time here
Your golden hair and fiery heart, my dear
Will never go to waste 
I stay chaste
And good and clean
But I only meet you in a dream
Til he walks on the scene 
And everything I love is in full colour 
The Now is here and the past is duller
But the car crash of us mimics the cry
Of the moment I learned that you die
Grasping, clawing, trying to hold on
But you are already gone
And memory
Seems to be 
The only thing you have left me 
As the vultures circle looking for some chew 
While I’m on the grass just talking to you
And he was a symbol of salvation, I held him tight
But he’s emptiness in the night
Always a little too far away
With a little too much to say
About me and you, he and I
And I’m not gonna lie
I tried to make that plaster fit
He just thinks I am a little bitch
Affection and playful but it’s not enough
I’m looking for Eternal Love
To bridge the gap
Because Death leaves behind no map
And the scrap of what I can remember 
Of the years of knowing you
Is scrawled in a diary I put pen to
But it doesn’t bring you back, I chew the cap
What if I have another relapse
And end up in the psych ward again
Because reality is not my friend
So I take refuge in fables
Keep up if you’re able
It’s a litany
Of all the liars I never got to be 
And somewhere in the sunshine I see you again
You set the gold standard of men
And you were there that year in 2007
In the blue camp and I, eleven,
In love with with your name
Life will never, ever be the same
With you gone, now there’s no one to squeeze my hand 
And smile like everything is grand 
And fun and neat
Next door neighbours, next time we meet
Will be an eon hence
My Love is never in the past tense

Fear To The Touch

.Reading time 1 minute.
You could be dead and I wouldn’t know
Does the pain start to show
As I mourn your form
So cold where it used to be warm
And I remember kissing the forehead
Of my Grandad in the coffin
It was like ice
And the shock 
Made my soul splice
Into multiple parts
How do you move with a broken heart
And the beat tries to keep you steady
But it stutters and I wasn’t ready
To commit my life to a mortal thing
Coz this bird with broken wing
Can’t fly
And you could die 
And I would shatter like a pane of glass
But somehow in the mists something last
And keeps me walking to your door 
Leaving notes for someone I adore
So he might know 
That, though it doesn’t show
I hold him close to my breast
Calamity and the rest
Can’t shake the ground I know
I watched you change and grow 
From a boy to a man
Through facebook coz I can
And it may track my every move
But I’ve nothing left to prove
Except to leave my open hands
There for the slipping sands
That are the years of us
I shake but I trust

The Grief Stricken Heroine

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The grief stricken heroine 
Of the story
I was told that God
Always walked before me
But where is He
In this landscape bare and thin
I wonder if I 
Should have ever let him in
Coz the doors are closed 
On the avenues 
And I’m full 
Of missing you’s 
But it doesn’t seem to matter
How many tears I cry
They can never make the ones
I love not die
And we’re all just wasting time
And trading places
Is there a dimension 
Where I can see their faces
And feel their soul
Not everyone 
Is bound to get old
And even when they do
There comes a time
When I’ve got to admit
That they are not mine
But one with the great
Vast Spirit untold
I’ve tried to stay strong
But I let my cards fold
And give in to cry
Alone in my room
If this is a dream
Can I wake up soon
Because the love is longing
And just a wave
And in the end
There’s no one I can save
But hold out my hands
Empty towards
And I’m not one who believes 
That prayers are just words
But emissaries 
To another state
Two thousand years 
Is a long time to wait
For your saviour to return
Is this place just a space to learn
And if I do will it make worthwhile
The ancient in the hidden smile
That comes across me unbidden
Into the land of the living
As I patch another shoe
Another hole, another you
And the loss is chasming 
A vast abyss
I wonder how people
Don’t feel they miss
What’s gone on and who have left
Is life just a Cosmic Yes
To discover
And if I’m okay
Does it mean I don’t love her
As I try to do justice to her trust in me
Has she partaken of Infinity
That calls all souls
Like gravity as the ball just rolls
Into the place it’s meant to be
Is forever my destiny
As I swirl onwards and henceforth
It’s like I feel no remorse
As I give in to the swing of time
And making messages in a bottle rhyme
Too much to be true
They are like little notes I’m leaving for you
To say I am here
And, my love, I’ve held you dear
As the tide marches on
One day we will all be gone
Or will we, is it true
Is there a space that is facing you
Where all is held
In little lines that you weld
Into perfect stone
And I have found my home
Under the tree, swinging the branches down
On the rope you made for us to go to town
With and I will never forget
And you’re still with me yet
As I concede to give up the fight
Let go of tears and be alright
And live in the fullness of colour they’re due
I might be getting up, not getting over you
No matter what they say
The ocean was not made to keep the waves at bay
But lap the shore
I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted anything more
Than to be the light
I look up to Heaven and hope that I’m right

In One

.Reading time 3 minutes.
Mercury’s in retrograde
And Irish people call a spade a spade 
Coz you know that morbid humor 
Isn’t gonna make it get you any sooner 
And I’m poised between a perfect spin
And in my mind I’m dancing with him
On an empty street
Oh, how I cursed the stars that meet
Us on the street or on the bus
There was just that feeling of trust
As I let myself believe
And I watch you hide your hands up your sleeve 
That morning in the Mall
Want to take a walk or shall
We just stare at each other across a mirage 
And I draw lines across your visage 
That will one day be a wrinkle in time 
But you’ll never stop being fine
As I watch you live your life with someone else
You advise me it’s best to take care of my mental health 
Coz you know stability is a wealth
So I smack the camera out of your hand
I will be grand 
Just not knowing
Coz I’m not finished growing
Gardens in my mind 
And they’re not well tended or left behind 
They are veritably wild 
And in my heart I’m still a child 
And I scoff in the face 
Of the rules that you chase 
So go ahead, be normal
Address me in a tone that’s formal
Coz you don’t have the time 
To watch my stellar shine
And maybe you were just afraid 
Coz, you know, that “bitch”, she slayed 
And all the lines that they encase
Won’t find you that dream you chase
Of 2.5 and a car
Don’t you ever wonder what we are 
And reincarnation kinda resembles the setting sun
But do you think we could get it in one
Coz this axis is an endless spin
And Nirvana revealed itself to him
When I let him into my sphere 
Now we are ever near
Like two orbiting souls 
Planets ruled by the poles 
But what is this non dual understanding 
All I know is you were commanding
My attention when you suggested
That we go get arrested
Just for the hell of it
Who am I sharing my heart with?
But I can’t help the laugh that escapes 
And not all superheroes wear capes 
But you sure do
Could I kick it with you 
In the summer of our age
I think I’m gonna need another page 
To get this down 
I won’t wear a gown
But in a t-shirt and jeans
I met the man of my dreams

Grief In Waves

.Reading time 1 minute.
I miss you and it’s been twenty years
And it’s been quite a few since I cried tears
But I remember standing with you
In the morning dew
Looking out on the fields
With nothing to do
Or seeing you gaze
At my eyeline
As I video recorded
The light that you shine
Now you’re just a photograph
Paper thin
Is there anything more
Than the memory of him
To stand on stilts 
So tall
They say time washes away
Like a waterfall
But I would never want to forget
And I remember you yet
Me, so small and hardy
You the simple net
That would catch me when I trip
I love you still and that is it
Nothing more, nothing less
And I know I don’t need to stress
About the small things
And spirit has wings
To take it to the sky
It’s just I wish you didn’t have to die
I wish I could still hold your hand
Have you say that all is grand
And that you love me so deep
I love you Granda and that’s a promise I’ll keep

The Flame and the Letting Go

.Reading time 3 minutes.
Suffering means I love you more
And I’m always banging on your front door
To see will you let me in
And you just remind me of him
His casual ways, his beautiful dance
His chest, the rest and his hands
As they fold themselves into mine
It is the cessation of time
As in the moment held forever
Is the faith of a new endeavor 
As it opens out to sky
I love you and I don’t know why
Only the beauty to burst through
The diagrams I see in you
And in all that’s sad and lonely
I’m wondering why you don’t phone me
When we left it on so bad a note
And there are pages that I quote
Which makes up the dream of us
The magnitude, the waves, the trust
In all that we can’t imbue
I’m waiting for what you might do
With your love, the sea, the stars
The way you melt those prison bars
Down into metal ore
I know you better than I did before
But you are untouchable, unattainable 
The clouds are grey, the day raining and dull
And you’re just some other where 
I keep looking, you’re not there
And you may have another chick
And I the page that you flip
But anyway, bitterness won’t get me far
Not when you’re written on my heart
And I feel this seething for all we were
And the fact that I’m not her
And I know it’s selfish and self absorbed 
I should just take you at your word
When you say you’re happy there
That you’ve found love and true care
But I’m gnawing at the edges and all the seams
I still see you in my dreams
Sometimes you’re mine, more you’re not
I’d write them down but I forgot
Exactly what they had to say 
Some kind of I’m not going away
But everything does 
All that is is a remnant of what was
And I fight the tide
But the waves crash and abide
In the place they’ve always been
There is the dimension of the seen
Then other ones
Diagonals and come undones 
Would you marry me?
So that the bird could be set free
But I’m letting go
Of all I thought that I know
To find a new shore
Worship all I adore
As it comes in close
Would you haunt me like a Holy Ghost?

The Sound Of One Heart Breaking

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Questioning these sacred concepts
The weight of the world that makes war
And I mourn you but I don’t know what for
Is it just the pain serves to remind
There’s a place you have not left behind
And I break down on the floor
Coz the sound of the door
Shutting cracks my skin
And I try not to let it in
But the light is coming from the inside out
And it replaces all my doubt
With the ferver of another land 
Would you understand
If I told you I just had to let it be
It’s like all of my soul’s been taken from me
When you breathed your last
Or when I discovered a thing of the past
No more what it is
And I call myself His
But it’s a running game
And it’s all the same
No way to stem the flow
Of what you cannot let go
I wipe the tears from my face
Just in case
Anyone sees me in that place
But you’re in my heart
And the mark
That was made
Is the same scar that scabbed over what’s saved
Did it come to me too early to appreciate 
Fourteen years old in another state
Where time and space don’t exist
But in the present I just subsist
On the bread of another longing 
And the people are thronging
Round the gates of hell
Begging to be let in, as well
And I cannot follow
The tree into the hollow 
Of what you came to show
I love you forever, I hope you know

The Loss Of You

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Writing a poem for you
Because God wanted me to
And it happened when I was eleven
Memories of you when I was seven
And I woke in the night with a rhyme in my head
I sat in the bathroom and instead
Of writing it down
I let the ocean drown
Me with waves of grief
And every day it’s beyond belief
Because there’s no going back
And you only know it when you lack
A grandfather you love
And their promises of above
Don’t stem the catapulting might
Of waking in the night
With a poem at your pen 
If I could go back again 
I would pay tribute to you
With love instead of falling into
A mire that knows no end
Did I really lose a friend
And I stay around Kilglass
Coz the memory last
And your house is just across the road
The years sped up but time slowed 
Down enough to let me look back
And I found someone who goes by the name of Jack
And he stills the storm in my bones
Holds my hand through the all alones
That stifle my voice
I don’t scream by choice
Just the horror of losing you
Like I’ve become the void I stare into 
As if I could find you in my grief
That the pain is a measure of the leaf
I take out of your book
Does the past take a second look
Into the vast of the sky
The Kingdom of Heaven that will never die

A Dream In Consciousness

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Is life just a dream in consciousness 
That we are all having together
Some focal points
That personalize the weather 
And we trudge and we scorn
But we don’t realise why we were born
As we find our way up the hill
But there’s clarity when things get still
And I lived a summer when someone die
I was so sad I couldn’t cry
Like a sky
Being too cold to snow
I loved him so I let him go
But I found something else
In the depths of myself
That made everything clear
And I held him dear
But I couldn’t keep him
I woke from my sleep and
I thought it was all made up
For a moment but it was not enough
To quiet my shaking hand
As realisation made me understand
That the man under the sea
Behind the boat that he
Tried to rescue was simply  
A way of dealing with what I couldn’t control
It was so vast the waves didn’t roll
But made an empty silent sound
I’m lost for someone I want around
And she backed away from me
I let her go coz I want to be free
And she don’t understand 
I ignore her fatigue and her underhand
That strikes out
She is full of doubt
But that don’t make more solid stone
And we are both alone
Coz we can’t trust
The moment when the balloon went bust 
And splattered the paint
My mind couldn’t handle it so I faint
On the floor in front of Room One
No one knows the Sun
That shone
For a moment it was gone 
Then it reappear
And a friend I hold so dear
Told me I should get it checked out
But I just want to shout
It from the rooftop
That there is no bad cop
To fear
The Lord is ever near
And catches everyone like a net
It happened to me, now I can’t forget
All that has come to pass
The time goes by but this last
Through the seasons of change 
And the acting strange 
And the loss is not what I thought I knew 
I am always with you

The Slow Wither

.Reading time 1 minute.
The slow wither
Like a flower losing its leaves
And I can’t comprehend 
How anyone believes
In a God of good things
In a loaded gun
Everything in creation 
Screams that it is One
And I’m not exactly Buddhist
And Christian loses lustre 
I’m mad busy at work
Trying not to get in a fluster
And then the peace comes
In a moment of prayer
I kneel before the altar
And I hear that I Am There
And I’m glad I keep something of you
Coz the body it is taken
And I can only hope that Heaven
Is there when you waken
Into your new life
At the foot of the hill
There’s a lot I have let go
But somethings I never will
Like your kindness and your smile
And the way you’re always there
I never doubted for a moment
That you truly care
And all I have left
Or so it seems
Is what I collected 
Hiding in moonbeams
But your presence comes to state
That simply isn’t so
You only come to wisdom 
In the instant you let go
And you can’t fake the fire
You barely contain
But just because you’re angry
Don’t mean you should fight the rain
As I lean into your essence
That has always felt like home
I’m sitting in solitude 
But I’m not alone
Coz you’re everywhere around me
In the midnight and the dawn
Don’t have to wait for death
Because you are not gone
And seeing you again
Is just to see you now
The walls have fallen down
And it’s because of you somehow

The Morning That Doesn’t Come

.Reading time 2 minutes.
(Trigger Warning - grief)

Do I have to always love you screaming in the rain
And do I equate death with pain
Coz he took you far too soon
Now I’m just crying in my room
Slamming my head against the wall
And no one knows at all
But it doesn’t bring you back
Just prepares me for another attack
Of grieving waves of trauma
And it’s been so long, you
We’re taken in my early teens
Before the cross and the man of my dreams
And I try to stand up and measure the line
But I keep remember thinking you were fine
And if I just prayed
You could’ve stayed
But it’s midnight and you’re both by my side
Why is this side of me something I hide
Coz I feel so much peace in a church
It kind of stills the way I hurt
And I light a candle for you
Almost as if you asked me to
And I sat by your side in your wheelchair at Knock
And you were always steady as a rock
You never faltered, you just bore it all
And I stood in the waterfall
So we both were there
And so you might know I care
But the whisper cracks my voice
And it’s no one’s choice
And it seems unfair
But can I be grateful for what you were spared 
And somewhere in oblivion we will touch again
I’ll call your name like love will never end
And you’ll wrap me in your arms so tight
And tell me that everything’s alright
And soothe that storm I own
I call your name like you’re my 
home

Death And The End Of Things

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Death and the end of things
Did it clip my broken wings
Coz I saw it in every facet
Of a diamond hue
And counted down the days
Until it would take you
And now I’m thirty three
One day it’ll take me 
Away from the world of form
The world into which 
I was born 
And it was midnight when I realised
That everything I loved died
On the street that day
And it’s not okay
To just say
That all things end
And love’s around the riverbend
Coz they never seem to care
About what isn’t there
Where it once was 
And I got angry just because
I couldn’t change it
Couldn’t change anything 
So I find the lungs to sing
The song you taught me all those years ago
And it doesn’t take snow
To preserve a body cold
What happens to us when we get old
Do we live in regret
Replacing what hasn’t happened yet 
Coz the time has piled
And all the miles 
We go from the place where we were
And nothing can replace her
Not as hard as it tried
The world is full of lies
But there is a truth that just fails
To catch the wind that set my sails
Upon a foreign sea
Are you still watching over me
Or is it just rueful fate
I love and It forgets the hate

Flights Of Panic

.Reading time 1 minute.
The curbs of death
Mark the pavements of my mind
And I’m stepping on cracks
And what I left behind
Coz no one’s exempt
I dunno where it all went
The love and the fever
Do you think that you could just believe her
When she shines her light
And everything will be alright
They are not just grey platitudes of wishes
That flit across your mind as you’re washing the dishes
And a sudden plate falls from your grasp
Ceramic but it shatters like glass
All over the hardwood floor
Or tiled with patterns you adore
And there’s a mess
Like a man and woman in undress
Fixing pieces together
But the target moved and now the weather
Is spilling snow
Oh, all that you did not know
When you were young 
Was I always this highly strung 
And a friend permits
Me to call it quits
On anxious furore
Who are they after, who was I before
Indeed, was there ever a pre
Or is it just me
Who clatters the makings of another dawn
Something whispers; “they’re not gone”

Writhing The Story

.Reading time 1 minute.
Torturing yourself won’t bring her back 
And hating yourself won’t cure the lack
That bubbles up out of your skin
You can’t lose, so you just win
And sigh that it’s all predetermined 
You’re in your seat but you’re squirming 
With the uncomfortableness of it all
John Mayer and the free fall 
That was 2012
Time to take a deeper delve 
And stand your sacred ground
As you hear the sound
Of tomorrow on the breeze
Not all men come to leave
Only the shadows knocking on your door
Repeating the refrain of you don’t love me no more
But it’s just an ancient pain
Playing on repeat again
To make a symphony out of the sound
Of the love and faith abound
In the green green grass of home
My love, you are never alone

The Little Things

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
It’s not the poignant moments that make me cry
It’s contemplating that we all die
And you can never keep the sand
That just slips out of your hand
Like it’s an hourglass you flip
Though you’re not in control of it
And everyone you love will age
Like rumpled quilts on a stilted page
Is it more than mere grief
I let it out and there’s relief
But more of thunder and a river held back
But you can’t dam the thing you lack
Only ache for a better day
I let you know coz I love you, okay?

Taking The Scene

.Reading time 1 minute.
She made a run for the dash
A finish line of I want cash
And it was as though I was the bank
No one there you gotta thank
And she drew from me the ebb and the flow
Til I conceded to let her go
And it was not without reservation
But I’m not tuned to that tv station
And really sad could be a description 
But it wasn’t I who forced the eviction 
As she moved my hand to sign the ink
The sign on the wall said “think”
And I fell apart in the ruins of us
It was as though I couldn’t trust
Even my step to hold firm
And I know there are things to learn
But you had me in close by the soul
Til you told me that you don’t roll
With the punches like I do
And I have to
Accept that you 
Are distancing and space in between
What was summer is now just a dream
I had at fifteen
I let you go and leave the scene



Photo: Chad Greiter on Unsplash.com

If I Could Then I Would

.Reading time 3 minutes.
It was just a random Tuesday
I walked back to school
There was nothing happening
All was cool
All was fine
And that was the last time
I was free of the knowledge that
You were gone
I haven’t thought about it in so long
I came in the gate
The sun was shining
I wasn’t late
And I walked round the corner
Met Natalie
She looked with crying eyes at me
Expecting me to know
I panicked as I realized truth
Was hitting me again in youth
Who? Who? 
And she let the name go
I was reeling with the blow
And we passed each other by
I stared at the sky
All I could think was
Where’s my school bag
I have to get my stuff
Why is it so important
What I’m not thinking of
And we gathered in the Oratory
Like a smashed piece of glass
And one of the girls hugged me 
She sat beside me in class
And all I could think of 
Is you love
And I try not to feel
The sensation
I lean on the others 
For consolation
And I caught my maths teachers eye
As my sister fell into my arms to cry
And he looked away
There was nothing to say
Coz how do you deal with it
Death, the punch
One minute you’re fine
Just coming back from lunch
Next minute the Chaplain
Has us all in a bunch
And I didn’t cry
The tears wouldn’t come
And you were just
So young, so young
And I shut off my feelings 
For the next fifteen years
Coz I haven’t lost you
If I don’t cry the tears
And hold it all together
But the sky is rainfall
And loss is the weather
And I try to recall
So I won’t forget
Every memory of you
That’s fresh in my mind yet
And what would you say
To us all
I have the faith 
That you’re not gone at all
But watching over us
And blessing the ground
That we walk
You hear every sound
And catch every weep
I take tablets to help me to sleep
As I fall asunder
Is it any wonder
But something in me just holds you fast
You’re in our hearts so you haven’t really passed
And I’m finally opening the doors to talk
About the confidence in your walk
And the way you just breeze on through
I hope that you know I still miss you
And that I still feel your light on days
I find you in quieter ways
As you whisper your love in the moment I break
I let it go for God’s sake