Have you ever been afraid of deserted roads Like you can’t walk them alone Have you ever been afraid to even leave your home For fear of what might come to pass When a guy says; check out her ass And so the feeling goes The shame, the blame, the game, God knows
Have you ever been afraid of having one too many Not because there are guards but coz there isn’t any To protect what you might call your virtue The catcalls that just hurt you As you walk down the street The uncomfortable feeling when your eyes meet
Have you ever been afraid to say me too, too For fear of what that punk might do As he braces against the wall Ready to hit you with it all
And I’m tired, I’m just weary And I want you to hear me When I say I know it’s not all guys But could you be the one who tries To make a change Coz isn’t it strange What silence will do When there’s walls between us two
Messy little snowflake having your child I used to be impetuous, I used to be wild Now I just come to dock at the bay And learn to say I love you anyway And the youth of my generation Are estimated to spend less time at the station Getting on trains Or making bodies with bloodstains And there’s a hidden kind of invisible trauma When they encourage you but don’t inform ya Of the onset of pain Flowing from you like cyclical rain To prepare the ground for the seed And half of us will bleed Out what we’ve come to make You say you do it for my sake But do you know what you plant When you call my words a rant That aim to please Til I’m screaming on my knees As I fulfil my function But we’ve come to a sort of junction And you make a hard right In the car and the night Comes to envelop us both And I know that you live to hope In what I offer but I Am not willing to die To bring another soul on the scene That was somebody else’s dream Since I was eighteen I would rather reign as the queen Of my own domain But I hear you ask again For a match to spark a light And you ask someone else, am I right To be your two point five caretaker And I know you didn’t make her But it still feels like force And you living without remorse For your bullet pen But if I had a choice, I’d let you in again
Not in a million years or any version of reality Could life replace what you mean to me And I know I was mad on the phone A passionate Aries all alone As you fit me into the box Of a woman in need of locks So I rebel, rebel And tell you to go to hell Coz you don’t understand You’ve only ever been a man And the status quo Is not something I’d like to keep, so I smash right through the walls you construct And I don’t give any fucks A delectable female on the line That only wants to make you mine And I hear the silent pause That doesn’t obey any laws Or gravity What do you think of me I shudder and the earth quake I’m sitting in the room and I shake As I try to hold it all in But I love, I love him And I’m hearing voices in my head One tells me to just go to bed And rest and keep The best of me for sleep Let the softness ensue And I remember that song came out too That August but I felt nothing at all Except like banging my head against the wall And it is silent desperation as I wake at three Think the devil is talking to me And the lights all went out It coincided with my doubt So I ran to Jennai How do I remember the name of the nurse That sprinkled sawdust on a golden hearse That seems to carry my body from place to place While the demons just lay waste To the life I used to know You told me to just let go…
Tonight Samantha told a story that sent a chill down my spine And it was stereotypical of things that ring true to mine It was an occasion I’d heard of before But it was still something I abhor A woman just after giving birth Crying about the way it hurt And she’s so young, so young Most of her peers are still having fun And she’s here delivering a child Does she get to keep her wild And I think of the raw way it must feel A viscerality that is real And how must it be to be so weak A vulnerability that simply speak Mountains of what’s expected And all that I’ve rejected Til her husband appears on the scene He’s not something out of a dream And she starts to scream No, no, stop, stop And I see myself in shoes I will not Concede to wear How bad was the tear In the fabric true And, yes, I’m asking you To reach into the store And somehow be something more Coz how is woman treated this way As if it doesn’t matter what she say It’s gonna happen regardless I wonder would a shard of glass Serrate the edge As he puts the head Of the matter to rest And does his best to bury himself In something else As she cries and begs coz the pain It’s right after a shower of rain And he is opening the door Living like she is the shore He is bound to dock And I wanted a rock Not a ship with no base Running like I’m the race He must fight to get to But I know it’s all about you In the winter and in the ward Eternity, maternity and the sword
The Irish male at seventeen What a wonder fucking dream And he drew me in then pushed me back As though there’s nothing that we lack In our two by two, absolute four And I don’t know who I am anymore As I leave unlocked and off the hinge door There’s no one close by what I have in store For you, for us, for him, for she Could you just get down on one knee So I could let you in again Instead of running away from men Coz they always want and need, lookout! So much so that I am in doubt As to what we’ve forever been Now I just see you on a screen Talking to that other girl I wish the paper would just unfurl And unmap the story of us Something in which I can trust And I don’t care about all of the guys On the sidelines to my futile tries To win you over, once more, again Don’t blame me for being your friend As you throw around what people love I’m sorry I ever gave you that drug The one with the hit so high And I’m just the queen of saying goodbye Until the day you made me say I really like you, okay? And when I wrapped my arms around ya I knew that you were sound, yeah With your gentle and sashay When did all of that go away To be replaced by thunderstorm You think you’re hot, you’re not even warm As lightning cracks bolts across the black I’ll always have asked you back Into the room where it’s just us two I don’t think they know about all of it, do you? As silent on the astral plane You used to enunciate my name And I hear you now with all of the slow Do you just suppose or do you know Exactly what you claim to be Is the ocean all at sea Like it used to be when we were young Just old enough to get some And I don’t blush anymore When you look at me like that, a stór But something stirs at the sight Of you in the twilight When I think of all that could’ve been With the Irish male at seventeen
I'm just mad coz you forced me off the land
With your masculine misunderstand
And I guess I'm emotional and female
But that don't mean I should go to jail
For a century or two
Just because I frighten you
With all you can't contain
It was love, it wasn't pain
And the winter was long but the snow
Can't stop the way the spring will grow
New green into all of the leaves
And it's not just about what you believe
And I throw shards of glass into the past
Memories of what didn't last
And your words are like daggers that cut my skin
How does he know how to hurt within
With his flagrant disrespect for all I offer
I know it's just the way you suffer
But I can't play small anymore
Or cover over what you adore
And don't want to love
It was given me from above
And you're just gonna have to get used to it
Being front and centre and your wit
Can't tear me down no more
Find another ship to sail to the shore!
It’s that time of the season And I just wanna cry without reason And listen to Taylor That summer sunshine sailor Coz she sings the female strife like no one else And she does some good to my psychic health As we both swing into our mid thirties slowing It’s an uphill climb but it’s downhill we’re going And the pain in my soul or in the pit of my stomach Reminds me what it is to be woman And I wonder if I’ll ever have kids And if I do would they be his And if the pain would magnify As love gives birth to what will die And I can’t escape the monumental The infinite in the evidential To succumb to the passing of time Warm my hands by the hearth of fine As we get by on what we don’t know And I loved you so I let you go But you keep returning to my mind To let me know what I left behind And I clutch the emptiness inside But it will not let me hide From all it means to release A form of trauma that doesn’t cease To wake up to the break of day I look down and it’s okay
You look at the clock I hold my breath Are you gonna leave yet Or are we alright And I told myself It’s better to suffer Than admit That you really love her And she looks my way And I shake She’s in every moment That I choose to wake
Well, what does he think He’s staring a storm And I think that I Would like to keep him warm But there’s pain in his eyes I can see it inflect One wrong move And this whole thing is wrecked
Now it’s burgeoning And the moon is whole I think that we might be connected By the very soul And I’m driving down roads I can’t go back Thinking about the person I seem to lack But really you’re here Breath against skin Though it’s so hard To get a read on him
And she’s everything I could desire Does she know She set my heart on fire And it burns For her still But I don’t know If I ever will Get to Touch her in person And everything else Is just rehearsing
Now it’s palm to palm A namaste kiss I don’t know enough To know what I miss But he’s delicate And fine And I would love To call him mine As we age In separate spheres But I still hold him So very dear
And she’s crashing the waves Upon the shore Does she not Want me anymore Or is this fate Playing a scam She seems to remind me Just who I am And the pillow Where I rest my head Is beside her In an imaginary bed
Are we cocaine lovers A drug then a high It was hello There’s no goodbye When your twin flame calls And I am enthralled As the wall falls It’s destiny and we are walking Telepathy is a kind of talking
Do I believe in the holy sisterhood Has me doing things for the good Of others not myself Because the way the cards are dealt Seem to aim for our division As we fight each other like some kind of Britain And if we’re not to fuel empire Must we attenuate desire Or could we grow and speak The power that makes us weak And I smile at the good Of your heart and the wood Is dense and thick And you’re kinda driving stick Around the road in front of me As I’m lying, automatically
Always at war with the female form Just coz it knows how to keep a body warm And I see it in her like I saw it in me Til I learned enough to let it go free And you’re oceans away but that will do I’m not trying to get myself back with you Coz you’ve changed with the seasons and your innocent hue Is marred with the trauma life put you through And I know it’s not fair and I know it’s not nice That it pulls you in til you have to look twice And summer is only a space of time Your beauty is truth and the perfect sublime
Looking into the eyes Of innocent men Could you spell that For me again It reframes My female pain As not something I’d wanna go through again And I know it’s justified It’s just that I might’ve lied When I said it’s all your fault And I locked you in a vault But then I see once more The light of consciousness I adore Shining forth from the heart of you And it’s all that I can do To open heart and surrender Forget something I tried to remember For so long and with so much strive I’m just glad you’re alive And we can call this mission one My God, you shine just like the sun
There's a mysterious woman in my soul
And she doesn't care how the waves may roll
She comes in nice and easy
Like a summer sea, warm and breezy
And though I try to hide her away
She comes up bubbling with what she wants to say
To decry the auspices of power
Yet not to be weak nor tremble and cower
She shines like the light that comes from the sun
But is soft as the silver moon when it is young
And all the stories you can tell yourself
Are just suppressing the abundant wealth
That grows in fertile ground in the psyche
We tremble with trouble but I dunno, might we
Ever fail to ask the question
Are we living on mere suggestion
To avoid the point we make
I offer it up for God's sake
So that He might make repair
To all that's in need of some care
And I do not forget the fallow fields
Or the way the grass grows as it yields
To a wind of superior heights
Wash me away in the firelight
I’ve begun to notice, primarily in myself, that there is a massive amount of resistance inside of me to the idea of feeling weak. I believe part of this is because I’ve always fallen into the “strong female”, “ass kicking” stereotype, not divorced from my emotions but experiencing them, as they relate to men, in a very balanced and detached way. However, despite this, there have been times in my life, when I have genuinely felt on the back foot with men, and by the back foot I mean dependent. Despite my best attempts I have found myself relying on people in a way that I never thought I would. This is not the loving, balanced, reliability of sharing your emotions but the neediness I’ve always looked down on in other women and sought to distance myself from.
However, part of this journey is allowing myself to feel negative emotions as they arise within me. I found this surprisingly easy when it comes to heavy weighty emotions that I can tie to instances from my past and surprisingly difficult when it comes to letting another see that I am not the golden one at all times. I had tied my idea of success and strength in relationships to the lack of a “need” for a man and yet was perfectly comfortable letting myself need other things in my life, even when it made me weak.
What I’ve come to realise is that the ability to accept this neediness comes from a place of strength inside of you and when you deny that experience you are essentially denying your own strength. You are equating yourself with your emotions and you are refusing to trust in the base line solidity to carry you through. I notice this a lot in other people, that this backlash of an idea has arisen as women have gotten more independent, that we now need to be “strong” and any admittance of vulnerability is a mortal sin. However, like men, we are human and we have emotions. Women have typically been comfortable in this domain but have maybe divorced themselves from it in the last number of years. However, it is not necessary that this should be problematic. Rather than irrationality it is an availability to the deeper realms of life and it is only through the full embrace of femininity that we can realise our true power. As long as we are denying our feelings and making them evil we are victims and we will experience life through a victim identity and experience the consequent fear. Of course it is true that men are often dangerous and volatile but I would argue that this is so because they are cut off from their true nature, which is neither of those things. Through the redeeming power of the feminine, man can be returned to his original state of oneness and non-division. But in order for a woman to hold space for a man, she first has to have been able to give herself that sense of self compassion and forgiveness.
Rule Number One:Put your own oxygen mask on first.
If you want to stay the same
Then blame
If you want to grow then listen
And watch the dew drops glisten
On the snow drops in the garden you grew
You will become as good as new
And I will hold your hand
As you effortlessly expand
Yes I will rise in strength
To fill the gap when you went
I did not understand
Sometimes I have to be the man
And sometimes I am strong
In the ways I thought that I was wrong
Sometimes I’m right
And have power to ignite
A holy fury burning power
In the auspices of a tower
That I stand alone
I can be your home
The supposition of masculine power, where ownership is key
About five minutes in, I realise it’s me
That they are drawing down, that they are pulling in
And I have to back off because I love Him
The symbol of freedom, the symbol of love
I have always been captivated by God above
The ever present hero in the midnight of my soul
Who lifts me when I’m down and remakes me whole
And I can stay as friends or even as a bro
But I can never be your chick, your girl, your ‘ho
Coz I’ve found something better, so far beyond the pale
And my integrity is not up for sale
You say there is no price, you say that all is free
Then you question why I will not trade my dignity
So if you love me sideways, then you can love head on
Don’t hate my beautify and wonder why I’m gone
For I stand the ground I own and I own what I am
Maybe this is why it never goes to plan…..
Or maybe it’s that I am just too hard to hold
I’m always diamond mining and searching for gold
Always staring at the sea to Moana the age
Or Atlantify, hiding in a cave
The Poetry Book 