Into The Mystic

Have you ever been afraid of deserted roads
Like you can’t walk them alone
Have you ever been afraid to even leave your home
For fear of what might come to pass
When a guy says; check out her ass
And so the feeling goes
The shame, the blame, the game, God knows

Have you ever been afraid of having one too many
Not because there are guards but coz there isn’t any
To protect what you might call your virtue
The catcalls that just hurt you
As you walk down the street
The uncomfortable feeling when your eyes meet

Have you ever been afraid to say me too, too
For fear of what that punk might do
As he braces against the wall
Ready to hit you with it all

And I’m tired, I’m just weary
And I want you to hear me
When I say I know it’s not all guys
But could you be the one who tries
To make a change
Coz isn’t it strange
What silence will do
When there’s walls between us two


Image Credit: https://pin.it/5NwhdVElY


Fragrant Breezes And The Way My Eyes Roam

There seems to be a prohibition on being who I am 
They tell me not to speak against the plan
Or analyse
But everyone dies
Why does nobody see
And if they do why do they blame me
For letting the truth fly
And I don’t want to cry
But I will
If it means I don’t have to kill
The beauty inside me
For a man who will ride me
Sometimes in the dark
And leave a mark
Like loneliness on the step
It is something I can never accept
So I throw the papers back in his face
As he tells me I’m a living disgrace
Because I don’t amount to
The stepford wife he’s been pushing through
And someday you will bear child
But I am ever wild
And I have no intention to tame that flame
Just to wear someone else’s name
And say that I am his
I used to ace the quiz
But he says I know nothing at all
So I make him talk to the wall
That is in front of his face
Because I do not want to waste
Any of my receptivity
On who he wishes me to be
And I guess it’s handed down
Like a shower and a dressing gown
The perfect man does not exist
It’s all steam and rising mist
To dim your eyes
And the disguise
Was brilliant true
But it took like 0.1 seconds to see through
And now you bow her branches down
But the leaves never touch the ground

Image Credit: https://pin.it/6cV0WqsMY

My Fight With Feminism

They tell us to co-opt
And be something we are not
Coz I am soft and I am supple
And I dream of being part of a couple
And they say that white feminism is not intersectional
And it is too one directional
And I have to agree
Because it has never been me
But there are parts of it I would pluck
Because I still give a fuck
About independence and freedom
But I would never cede them
To another hand
And they say to let it go is grand
But I stand on my high horse
And do so with no remorse
Because the beating heart
Is something that will always start
Within my own
And it is not something that I could disown
And I imagine myself being taken
In the moment love is forsaken
And being heavy with child
And losing all my wild
That blows with me in the wind
And the people say it’s the woman who’s sinned
When a man commits adultery
That you should never let them see your sultry
Gaze
And there’s cities that they’d raze
Because they haven’t met
The part of themselves they can’t forget
Buried deep within the grass
Hidden in a childhood that is part of the past
And lost innocence will do that
Far more dangerous than an old spinster and her cats
But society would have you believe
That this burden must be relieved
Into the female prone
And I just stare at my phone
Because I loved him true
How could he do this to you?
In the name of a just defence
I can’t contemplate what it meant
Anymore
And every open door
Was slammed shut in his face
Because he is a living disgrace

Photo Credit: https://pin.it/2SiebVbsJ

The Castle In The Sky

He bullied me into letting go
And I fell into the snow
And it was icy cold
Can I be brave, can I be bold?
And just speak my own truth
Reflected through the prism of youth
That is growing long
But still I believe that strong
Comes with age
If you do not allow it to turn the page
On the fiercest of you
If my heart means anything too
It will continue to burn a hole
Through the veil that hides the soul
From the masses
And the classes
That I aced
Were nothing to the glory of his face
When it was revealed to me
He tried to steal into what it means to me
But it cannot be undone
Once you’ve seen the sun
You cannot unmake it
And I would never forsake it
Not for a pretty boy
That uses females like a toy
To play with in the day
But in the night it goes away
And he is mired in loss and pain
And learns to live with the rain
That pummels the skin
I told him that if he let me in
I could make it better
And the weather
Would pass
But our moment didn’t last
As he sold me out for someone else
And claimed that mental health
Is more important than truth
My God, life can be such a brute
But it will reveal itself to you
If you let the web fall through
Into the long lost water
I am no wife, I am no daughter
I am no female set free
I am what I’ll always be

Photo Credit: https://pin.it/2cLyDTkNh

The Weather Brushes Aside

The weather brushes aside
And I am alive
Still, in spite of all the years
And the tears
Only served to make me stronger
But I don’t entertain them any longer
And I lost someone who means the most to me
But I’ve been consoled he’s been set free
Unto the Great Expanse
Where all the spirits go to dance
When their day is done
In the realm beneath the sun
We call Earth
And the hurt
Fails and falls apart
Under the power of the heart
And he’s always throwing slurs
Because he’s afraid of what we were
In the old domain
And he’s had his share of pain
And he takes it out on us
The female is no longer a plus
One
And undone
Is the male sovereignty
That tries to lay claim to the best of me
In the winter months
And all of the stunts
That they pull
Can’t destroy the cotton wool
Of being pure
It’s the one thing I know for sure

Messy Little Snowflake

Messy little snowflake having your child 
I used to be impetuous, I used to be wild
Now I just come to dock at the bay
And learn to say I love you anyway
And the youth of my generation
Are estimated to spend less time at the station
Getting on trains
Or making bodies with bloodstains
And there’s a hidden kind of invisible trauma
When they encourage you but don’t inform ya
Of the onset of pain
Flowing from you like cyclical rain
To prepare the ground for the seed
And half of us will bleed
Out what we’ve come to make
You say you do it for my sake
But do you know what you plant
When you call my words a rant
That aim to please
Til I’m screaming on my knees
As I fulfil my function
But we’ve come to a sort of junction
And you make a hard right
In the car and the night
Comes to envelop us both
And I know that you live to hope
In what I offer but I
Am not willing to die
To bring another soul on the scene
That was somebody else’s dream
Since I was eighteen
I would rather reign as the queen
Of my own domain
But I hear you ask again
For a match to spark a light
And you ask someone else, am I right
To be your two point five caretaker
And I know you didn’t make her
But it still feels like force
And you living without remorse
For your bullet pen
But if I had a choice, I’d let you in again

Ancient Structures

Is it possible I’ve internalized the misogyny
Is that why I tend toward androgyny
Because the idea of being woman is too much to take
I call them out, then they call me fake
And I tried to build tall castles to the sky
But they said don’t hassle a reason why
So I took a back seat
Took the weight off my feet
And kicked back and went slack
Coz when I say something’s wrong, they think it’s an attack
When I’m just relaying how I see it
And if you want a change then you’ve got to be it
So I absconded away from the fort
The queen was in waiting for the lines that blurred
And she grew tired and drained
Longed to be running in fields where it rained
And she laughs out loud and turns her hands up
Let her skin soak in a pure drug
As the open air blew her flaws
Away from the ice where the glacier thaws
And someday she’ll see
She already is what she tries to be
As she struggles in vain
Makes the same mistake all over again
And blames it on them or on herself
She trades in things that she’s never felt
But strives just to be
I thought ambition was at the heart of me
But something new
Made its way to the sea so blue
And I’m so grateful for seeing through
The empire I craved to put my hand to
Now I’m all organic and essential oils
They say the world spins for the one who toils
But I’ve found my own soliloquy in something quiet
Love’s not a drug and you cannot buy it
Only feel true
Into the depths and hollows of you
Into the peace
I took a breath and the storm cease

Not In A Million Years

Not in a million years or any version of reality
Could life replace what you mean to me
And I know I was mad on the phone
A passionate Aries all alone
As you fit me into the box
Of a woman in need of locks
So I rebel, rebel
And tell you to go to hell
Coz you don’t understand
You’ve only ever been a man
And the status quo
Is not something I’d like to keep, so
I smash right through the walls you construct
And I don’t give any fucks
A delectable female on the line
That only wants to make you mine
And I hear the silent pause
That doesn’t obey any laws
Or gravity
What do you think of me
I shudder and the earth quake
I’m sitting in the room and I shake
As I try to hold it all in
But I love, I love him
And I’m hearing voices in my head
One tells me to just go to bed
And rest and keep
The best of me for sleep
Let the softness ensue
And I remember that song came out too
That August but I felt nothing at all
Except like banging my head against the wall
And it is silent desperation as I wake at three
Think the devil is talking to me
And the lights all went out
It coincided with my doubt
So I ran to Jennai
How do I remember the name of the nurse
That sprinkled sawdust on a golden hearse
That seems to carry my body from place to place
While the demons just lay waste
To the life I used to know
You told me to just let go…

Haircuts And Change

I don’t like the way they call you ma’am
Coz a woman could never be what I am
Am I something in between
A girl and an androgynous dream
Coz I’ve been one of the boys
But I’m not one to break my toys
Just for the noise I would make
It’s in every breath I seem to take
As I reach out to clasp
Something I could never be and I ask
The future to make sense of my past
But all it does is roll around
Cylindrical as the sound
That pumps the blood in my veins
As constant as the realm of change

That Season Of Time

It’s that time of the season
And I just wanna cry without reason
And listen to Taylor
That summer sunshine sailor
Coz she sings the female strife like no one else
And she does some good to my psychic health
As we both swing into our mid thirties slowing
It’s an uphill climb but it’s downhill we’re going
And the pain in my soul or in the pit of my stomach
Reminds me what it is to be woman
And I wonder if I’ll ever have kids
And if I do would they be his
And if the pain would magnify
As love gives birth to what will die
And I can’t escape the monumental
The infinite in the evidential
To succumb to the passing of time
Warm my hands by the hearth of fine
As we get by on what we don’t know
And I loved you so I let you go
But you keep returning to my mind
To let me know what I left behind
And I clutch the emptiness inside
But it will not let me hide
From all it means to release
A form of trauma that doesn’t cease
To wake up to the break of day
I look down and it’s okay

Sisterhood

Do I believe in the holy sisterhood
Has me doing things for the good
Of others not myself
Because the way the cards are dealt
Seem to aim for our division
As we fight each other like some kind of Britain
And if we’re not to fuel empire
Must we attenuate desire
Or could we grow and speak
The power that makes us weak
And I smile at the good
Of your heart and the wood
Is dense and thick
And you’re kinda driving stick
Around the road in front of me
As I’m lying, automatically

Fighting My Femininity

I fight with my femininity
It evokes love
But I can’t tie myself
To any of the above
Only open my heart
For peace to be shared
Open my notebook
To say that I cared
And that I’m not
In this quiet, tight space
But dreaming of days
When I touch your face
Telling you all
You mean to me
Not closing the door
So you can be free
And I know that I have put out
More than I take back
And I have been hobbling
Over what I lack
But the sight of you
Is like a comet true
And I’m shaking just thinking
Of what I would do
If you were mine
To have and to keep
To wake up beside
A good nights sleep
And you’re kind and you’re awesome
I’ve been keeping you away
I look down at my feet
Coz I don’t know what to say
And you tell me I’m lovely
And beautiful
He left me empty
Now I am full
Of a joy that’s brimming
Full of trust
Can I come in, baby
It’s a must
And you look at me
As if I defy
The life I’m leading
As some kind of lie
But I just wanna be
Myself again
A woman in
A world full of men
Telling me how
I should contain
This heart of mine
That’s broken with pain
But shining with gold
As I repair
The parts of myself
That knows you are there
That knows there is kindness
And there is truth
More than monuments
I’ve built to our youth
And nobody knows
Or can describe
The feeling of loving
Breath when you’re alive
And I’m haunted by loss
And the threat of death
Keep living days
Full of regret
Coz I can’t control
The passing of seasons
Or people with pride
And a bowl full of reasons
And is it insincere
To proclaim my devotion
To the silence
In all the commotion
As I feel the movement
Of a pin drop
Signaling winter
Or the moment to stop
And take in an aside
Of all we’re meant to be
I didn’t know if you knew
So I’m letting you see

Threatening An Edifice

Are you threatened by the female
Do you reverberate
Am I meant to give up
On myself in that state
Or is there a way
To be and grow
I gave you a chance
To have me, you know
But you turned away
From the dance
I split the boil
With a lance
Til all the pus
Came spewing out
The knife was quick
As my wit, no doubt

A Winter In Summertime

There was a winter in summertime
As I laid claim to all that’s mine
The showers awash with rain
Holding myself together amongst the pain
As she clicked her lips to all my flaws
But when the sun burns all the ice thaws
In the mystery of a silent barricade
The house I live in, the home I’ve made
Was all but naught to the blowing wind
When you grow up, do you know you’ve sinned
Or do you just grow out of that sort of thing
Dreaming of a sky or a diamond ring
To annunciate what’s inside
The Eternal to abide

Innocent Men

Looking into the eyes
Of innocent men
Could you spell that
For me again
It reframes
My female pain
As not something
I’d wanna go through again
And I know it’s justified
It’s just that I might’ve lied
When I said it’s all your fault
And I locked you in a vault
But then I see once more
The light of consciousness I adore
Shining forth from the heart of you
And it’s all that I can do
To open heart and surrender
Forget something I tried to remember
For so long and with so much strive
I’m just glad you’re alive
And we can call this mission one
My God, you shine just like the sun

Rape is an act of War

maleficient rape

Angelina Jolie talks about Maleficent Rape Metaphor

Something was brought home to me in sharp relief this weekend. I was talking to a family member about a prominent rape case that is currently in the Irish media. I was appalled by the behaviour of the individuals involved and the legitimisation of their actions by the defense counsel and segments of the media. Much to my surprise and consternation this family member spoke along a similar vein of victim blaming and shaming. To say I was shocked is an understatement. It is one thing to observe opinions such as this in the media and relegate them to the stupidity of the educated foolery of people who are accustomed to hearing themselves speak. Trolls, in other words.

The argument went as this: she shouldn’t have been there, she should have known, men are wired differently than women, there were two people involved, as well as alcohol. My anger burned and I could not collect my thoughts enough to form a coherent response. For me, the situation was thrown into sharp focus; I am not to trust a man in any kind of social situation where there is alcohol involved. It does not render him evil, rather it removes his inhibitions to the point where his natural violence is free to flow, as it were. In describing this as a violent crime, I was met with a stark refutation. Yet as a female, it is impossible to describe rape in anything other than the most soul destroying terms. Having never been the victim of sexual violence, I can only imagine the horror of such a situation, but imagine it I can and in listening to the lady’s testimony in the case referred to, I am struck with a ferocious sense of rage and an almost uncheckable desire to visit similar violence upon the perpetrators. To me, listening to her, and the kind of reception she is getting on the witness stand, my feeling is that a bullet in the brain would be far more effective than taking this man to court. If this were in my hands that would certainly be preferable to me.

However, that is not the way of the world, and perhaps with good reason. There would be a serious depletion in the male population if this was the approved course of action for such reprobates. Although, admittedly, there may also be a resultant drop in war mongering if females were the dominant gender, so it would probably balance out. I realise this kind of talk is not appropriate and I do not in actuality condone violence, even against men such as these. I am speaking like this merely to illuminate the feeling that such a violation evinces in women. For men, it seems to be no big deal, laughable almost. Texts in the morning, sexts in the evening, disseminating images all day long. But to us it is not a joke. Leaving aside the possibility of grievous bodily harm; injuries, STD’s, pregnancy; and solely focusing on the emotional impact of such an evening’s work I am lost for adequate words to describe such an experience. I can only postulate that it is devastating and to enunciate that it is not the fault of the female but rather the absolute lack of empathy in the male, and as such these sorts of “men” if you could call them that, are to be pitied, rather than hated. This does nothing to remove the burden that anyone who has gone through this has to bear, but it is my way of adding my voice to the chorus calling these bastards what they really are, scum and scum they are.

Most commentary appendages the idea that it was not meant in the way the female took it, that these were decent men (read dumb fucks) who didn’t know what they were doing and they would defo take it back if they could (cause it’s ruining their lives) but to do this ignores the billions of women who live with the threat of having rape inflicted upon them and the consequent fear this evokes. There have been times in my own life when I was in a situation or walked into a room, and for a split second feared that it might have been a bad idea, that I am not safe in my own building, my own apartment, my own room. And but for the grace of God and the individuals involved I could have been the one shattered on the floor.

I personally think the male half of the population can do better and hopefully not have to force a woman to relinquish her body, for in that there can be no love, for either party and if its pleasure you’re after…….well, use your imagination. My guess is that it is all about control, domination, power and the feeling of being powerless, the feeling of being so cut off and adrift in the world that you must impose your will upon another person and for that briefest of seconds you can feel like you are the master of the universe. But, alas, what goes up must come down and hitting the floor with a bang comes for everyone.

So, in conclusion, prison sentence or no prison sentence, karma’s a bitch and if it doesn’t get you, time will. So, what will you say on your last day on earth, as you look to the dark death of sky for an answer; I’m sorry? Will you mean it? Do you care? Can you face your maker knowing what you’ve done to your fellow human beings? Or face the emptiness of nothingness knowing the life you’ve lived, for all the atheists out there? Do you think of these things now, should you? And can you look into the eyes of the women in your life and say you’ve really served them, that you’ve really honoured them, that you’ve done right by them, as a man of this world, that you’ve done enough to merit the title?

Because I know when the final judgement comes to call that the hearts of those who have been wronged are clear. It is the perpetrators who need to worry and seek forgiveness, because everything is mapped. Every cartographer knows that each star in the sky has its own place and nothing goes unrecorded, nothing goes unnoticed, either by God or the universal energy we call Life. Everything has its reason and for a season you may be fine, but think on it and know, in the moment you are falling asleep, something is watching and……….bí cúramach, lads.

evil eye

 

 

The Feminine Resistance to Feeling Weak

I’ve begun to notice, primarily in myself, that there is a massive amount of resistance inside of me to the idea of feeling weak. I believe part of this is because I’ve always fallen into the “strong female”, “ass kicking” stereotype, not divorced from my emotions but experiencing them, as they relate to men, in a very balanced and detached way. However, despite this, there have been times in my life, when I have genuinely felt on the back foot with men, and by the back foot I mean dependent. Despite my best attempts I have found myself relying on people in a way that I never thought I would. This is not the loving, balanced, reliability of sharing your emotions but the neediness I’ve always looked down on in other women and sought to distance myself from.

However, part of this journey is allowing myself to feel negative emotions as they arise within me. I found this surprisingly easy when it comes to heavy weighty emotions that I can tie to instances from my past and surprisingly difficult when it comes to letting another see that I am not the golden one at all times. I had tied my idea of success and strength in relationships to the lack of a “need” for a man and yet was perfectly comfortable letting myself need other things in my life, even when it made me weak.

What I’ve come to realise is that the ability to accept this neediness comes from a place of strength inside of you and when you deny that experience you are essentially denying your own strength. You are equating yourself with your emotions and you are refusing to trust in the base line solidity to carry you through. I notice this a lot in other people, that this backlash of an idea has arisen as women have gotten more independent, that we now need to be “strong” and any admittance of vulnerability is a mortal sin. However, like men, we are human and we have emotions. Women have typically been comfortable in this domain but have maybe divorced themselves from it in the last number of years. However, it is not necessary that this should be problematic. Rather than irrationality it is an availability to the deeper realms of life and it is only through the full embrace of femininity that we can realise our true power. As long as we are denying our feelings and making them evil we are victims and we will experience life through a victim identity and experience the consequent fear. Of course it is true that men are often dangerous and volatile but I would argue that this is so because they are cut off from their true nature, which is neither of those things. Through the redeeming power of the feminine, man can be returned to his original state of oneness and non-division. But in order for a woman to hold space for a man, she first has to have been able to give herself that sense of self compassion and forgiveness.

Rule Number One: Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Then kick ass.

 

The Supposition of Masculine Power

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The supposition of masculine power, where ownership is key
About five minutes in, I realise it’s me
That they are drawing down, that they are pulling in
And I have to back off because I love Him
The symbol of freedom, the symbol of love
I have always been captivated by God above
The ever present hero in the midnight of my soul
Who lifts me when I’m down and remakes me whole
And I can stay as friends or even as a bro
But I can never be your chick, your girl, your ‘ho
Coz I’ve found something better, so far beyond the pale
And my integrity is not up for sale
You say there is no price, you say that all is free
Then you question why I will not trade my dignity
So if you love me sideways, then you can love head on
Don’t hate my beautify and wonder why I’m gone
For I stand the ground I own and I own what I am
Maybe this is why it never goes to plan…..
Or maybe it’s that I am just too hard to hold
I’m always diamond mining and searching for gold
Always staring at the sea to Moana the age
Or Atlantify, hiding in a cave