Tag: depression

The Angel That Kissed Me

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I don’t know what it is but something needs o be done
Because there are people dying young
From a disease that no one can see
They say it’s mental illness but I don’t think we 
Are defunct in any sort of way
We are just sensitive to the play
Of light and form on the screen of life
And people tick boxes like a job and wife
And a car and a two point five
Like those things mean you are alive
Is it any wonder that there are those who want to die
Who hide the way they cry 
From everyone so no one can see
And that once was the girl I call me 
But something woke me up
And now I want to share that love 
With anyone who has faded to grey 
And finds the flatness worse than anything words could say 
And is it adult to falter on the brink 
Of the things we dare not think 
To be confused and afraid to even breathe
In case someone doesn’t get what they need 
From what we hold out in our hands 
And in the past people wanted lands
Now they colonise our minds 
And taunt us with what’s been left behind 
But the eternal moment of Now
Has become enough for me somehow
And I try to explain to a priest
The meaning of the deceased 
But he doesn’t get it 
So I say; “forget it”
And let the river pull me away
From everything they say 
To the winter in me 
It kind of feels like being set free
To feel the wind in my hair 
And know that I am there 
In the subterfuge and release 
I wonder do they notice the crease
In my dress but I let it be seen 
And look up from the dream 
As I fall into reality 
I feel the Universe forgiving me

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Is There A Girl Code?

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Is there a girl code
Because I let him into my abode
And now he won’t get the fuck out 
Even when I told him what I’m about
And that I didn’t know about you 
When I let him do what he wanted to do
As I felt the pulling thunder
In the sheets I was lying under
And I turned to meet his face
Now all I see is the disgrace
Of knowing that he was with you
The whole four years I wanted to 
Let him be
And our history 
Is tainted and blue 
And I guess it’s nothing new 
To say that men will connive 
Every minute they’re alive
But I’m bitter now
And jaded and somehow 
Only see the dark side of the grain 
As the sky pours with rain 
Down unto the glen
And amen
Is the end to every prayer
Was he ever even there 
When he whispered those words to me
Like a future planning history 
As we interlock our fingers
Now I just jump at phone ringers
Coz I don’t know what the news will be 
And tragedy
Always seem to come down the line
And you said that he was fine
But I wonder do you know him at all
Because I spent an age staring at his wall
To divinate 
And I wouldn’t want a man of mine in that state
So I offer him an olive branch or two
But he snaps back that he’s with you
So I let it fall into the flood
And hope that the result will be good
But it’s a burden
And I wonder if you heard him
When he cried on his own 
The boy I love on the golden throne 

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The Forest Child

.Reading time 1 minute.
The forest child in me 
Is longing for the rivers to let her go free
As I take refuge on the beach
That someone thought to teach 
Me was there
And I’m so grateful and I care 
About what will happen to this next generation 
Will it be beyond an education 
As I meditate
And something puts me in another state
Where I can fly
And I am not afraid to die
Into incandescent blue
Just because you 
Clutch onto fear 
Doesn’t meant that love is not near 
Ready to abide
And something in me hide
Away this secret deathless realm 
From the people who would submerge the helm
Like the girl with the degree
In deciding what to do with me 
When I confess 
That everything in that red dress
Always felt the same 
And she knows my name 
But she doesn’t get my soul 
If I told her each wave roll
Would she understand 
And I decide to forgive my man

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A Familiar Shape

.Reading time 1 minute.
I saw her from a distance
She cut a familiar shape
And I know she just wants to escape
But the prison is more than these four walls
And the laughter is caged in the halls
And I wish I could talk to Stephen again
He really was the best of men 
And there was something he said that rings true 
That there are some people who die even if you
Really want to help
It’s like when you hear the dog let out a yelp
When it’s been kicked
Then you hear someone call her a bitch
And it just reminds me of your name 
And how people say; “it’s such a shame” 
And how they didn’t when she was alive
They just said “she’s troubled” and the subside
Caught her on the wrong side of the shore
But I throw her an oar 
From over here 
And though she may be gone, my dear
She is also still in the same place
I just remember the beauty of her face
And the staunch of her soul 
Even the greatest waves must roll
And know you’re not alone 
Nor are you far from home 
When you are in your own heart
There’s something the demons can’t tear apart

The Armour Reflects The Light

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Against my better judgement I take these pills
I’m losing my mind like I’m losing skills
And I’m scared that they will wear my brain away
Like I am a knot and it’s started to fray
But it’s gotta be better than wandering the night
They say that I’m insane and I give up, alright
Allow them to ring in a decree
And proclaim what they think they know of me
And everyone agrees, they’ve got it all on check
And what I was seeing was strange and I wreck
The picture every time I seem to see
People trying to frame you and me
And Alan was cool like they had on the system
I walked away, you could say that I missed him
And everyone in their cracked portrait there
We’re just examples of how people care
And they say that if you go and show
You’re enlightened well then you know
You’ll be locked up by the brigade at sea
And I think that may have been what happened to me
And I fight and war with what they pronounce
Only another one to denounce
Like sleeves of silk and cotton up your arm
The meditation room the only charm
As there was music and CD’s
To ameliorate my supposed disease
And I made friends and I struck a light
In the room for squares I was held that night
And the awning gap just spells the chasm
What more can I say but that she has him
For now, for forever, but not with me
I gulp another one down with dignity

Standing In The Heat

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health***

I’m standing in the heat
And I feel the power of us meet
As we are seventeen and eighteen 
I learned that every dream 
I ever had
Could be tied to feeling bad
Because it all gets taken away from me 
One way or another by time or indignity 
And you were sent like a saint
Now it’s my blood you use to paint
Your facebook page 
And I feel a certain scent of rage
Colour my cheeks 
That you think I’m weak 
And need the help of my family
When I’ve always rebelled at what they wanted from me 
Now I’m held like a noose 
As though I’m the golden goose
That must be prized in case she is set loose
By her own hand 
But I wouldn’t worry, I am grand
And have no intention to jump from a cliff
It’s all held in a what if 
And the march of time 
Can steal everything but what’s mine 
God plucked me from the sea
When dying was all that was left of me 
And I fought my way to the shore
Gasping and what’s more 
I was tired and wrecked 
And something woke while I slept 
And in the bathroom I couldn’t bear
To look in a mirror that would tear
Who I was to pieces
Coz everything that’s born deceases
And my grandmother just left this earth
And I can’t seem to bear the hurt
I was fourteen 
And my scream 
Was silent and unheard
Except by that holy bird
Who alight on my shoulder
And somehow roll away the boulder
In the mouth of the tomb
I find my Jesus and resume 
My prostrations at the feet of my Lord
It’s not over till you hear the spoken Word
Made flesh 
And every regret 
Falls to the floor 
As I worship what I was born to adore 

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Like A Drowning Man Needs Air

.Reading time 3 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health***



The boat rocked when the wave shook me to my core
And I kindly showed her to the door 
When she took out the dagger and it caught the light
And I could see in the night
That she never wished me well
And it rained holy hell
On my town 
I contemplated what it would be like to drown 
In a nearby lake 
Would she come to my wake 
Like the whole community does when someone dies
Then someone’s loved one cries
And I couldn’t do that to them 
But I wouldn’t like to be back there again 
Because it was as pitch as the blackest dark 
And it left a mark 
The scar is what I cherish now 
Because the truth got to me somehow
And I don’t understand the Lord but he saved my life
And he doesn’t want me to just be a wife
And surrender and go down 
Like everyone does everywhere around
It’s like you hit thirty
And everything you thought was dirty
Suddenly looks so damn appealing 
And there were comics that I was stealing 
The day I followed a trail 
And I swore my soul was not for sale 
But I danced on the edge of a cliff
Balancing on a what if 
And it mattered to me less than naught
But what if I get caught
So I commit myself to an institution 
Maybe they can straighten out my convolution
And I’ve always had a strong constitution 
But it doesn’t hold up under this pressure
There’s nothing like a doctor to stress ya
Especially when they’ve got all the power
But I am not one to cower
So I just run to the sea
But they’re still watching me 
As I find a corner of the room 
That doesn’t sink with the sound of doom 
That echoed around that place
And I couldn’t show my face
To anyone at all 
I just remember the length of the hall
When you’re walking it alone
And they’ve taken my phone 
So I follow Sinéad and pace the route 
But they jot down that I follow suit 
And it’s all just a case study to them
And they assure me it will happen again 
If I forsake the pills
And the bending of my wills
But I’m about done with this
I’m still thinking about Jack’s kiss

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Crime And Punishment

.Reading time 1 minute.
How about goodbye
And you made me feel like I wanna die
So I close the door
Pretend I don’t love you anymore
But I do
It’s always you
Amid the curtains pulled
And the pain, it dulled
As the years passed
But I wanted it to last 
So I would have something to hold onto 
But your love stuck like glue 
In my heart
And though we are miles apart
And time and space
None of it is gone to waste 
Because I would do it a thousand times over
Just to find your four leafed clover
Growing in the grass
And I loved to learn in class
But nobody taught me a lesson like you 
I’m just not sure I wanted to
Let you go 
And I know
That everyone dies 
And the child cries
When her grandfather passes 
And it’s the wisdom of the masses
To mourn and then move on 
But there is a hole where he is gone 
And nothing can repair it
I dare it
To swallow me whole
But my soul 
Just grows more vast 
And life asked
Me to be free
So I let go and eternity
Came to kiss my lips 
In the middle of an eclipse 
Where all was night 
But in the darkness shone a light 
And nothing can drench it 
Nothing can quench it
No pulling thread
Can unmake where I made my bed

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The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

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Life Is A Tremulous Thing

.Reading time 3 minutes.
Life is a tremulous thing 
And a bird with only one wing 
Flies in a circle if she flies at all
I just remember running into the hall
And screaming bloody blue murder 
As I woke up from a sleep 
I had been held in the bed
By a weight I could not keep
And they all held like snooker balls
Atoms of air until they all fall
And weigh on me like turf
But I am released and I surf
The wave out of the room 
Imagine arms catching me with the sound of doom 
And my parents come to me in a flash
And I’m crying, trembling and I can’t put the genie back
In the bottle now that he’s been set free
Every time the phone rings my heart beats against the tree
I use to hold myself together 
Because the weather
Was unpredictable and strange
And no matter how stable it would always change 
As I lose a grandmother to the going away
And I must not cry because she could not stay 
But my ears are pulsing with the noise 
And the din rattles bones like they are play toys
As I always expect the next mute surrender
I gave in to always remember
The torture of losing love to the emptiness
Now the darkness starts to dress
Me in its own clothes and cloak 
Everything around me in the bespoke 
Am I just reading the dial 
When people look at me I fake a smile
So they don’t look to hard
And see the facade behind the business card
I hand out to everyone who wants to get in touch
And you’d never know I love you so much 
When I just stare into your soul 
Every wave is beautiful but they all roll
Into the one 
And every man is somebody’s son 
And deserves respect and compassion
Even when he sings about an assassin 
That lives in his heart
She aimed true though and took the part
He had been protecting out of the dark 
And I bet he was the better mark
In the end
I’d like to think she knows I’m a friend 
But all bullets find their way home
I guess that’s why she’s complete and I am alone 
With my own front facing tremor 
I don’t think I’d want to be on the good ship Endeavour 
Even if I was to stake a claim
And somehow make a name
For myself in the western based media 
But its not all what they feed to ya
As babies cry for mother they’ll never see 
I just don’t want that to ever be me

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The Agony Of Being Pure At Heart

.Reading time 2 minutes.
She brushed past me like I meant nothing at all
To her and I stare at the wall
Something has erected between us
Have we wrecked it or did we dream it
And she is ethereal and she is true
But dare I spill my heart to you
Because I can see all your flaws
And the places where the sun thaws
All your ice into fluid water 
And no daughter 
Is exactly like what has come before 
I open the door
And you’re still behind it
I know I’m aloof but I wouldn’t mind it
It’s just a detachment I cultivate
So no one can read my state 
And who I am 
Just dropped outside the plan 
When I was fourteen years old
And wouldn’t do what I was told
I collapsed on the floor
And an open door
Let me out of the dark
And yet I still bear the mark 
Of those two months in depression
It is my ardent confession 
That it was for love of loss
That I took up my cross
And walked with it to Calvary 
I know he didn’t mean to startle me
When he just saw my truth
And I may have been a youth
But I am also ancient, old 
Must I wait until the story is told
To reveal the core
Beyond all the “I love you more”
I just want him to know exactly who I am 
And Kilglass may never win Sam 
But I give my heart and soul to the team 
In the years I’d build a dream 
Til a voice on the sideline 
Puts me on for a minute of time
And the embarrassment colours my skin 
Like talking on the phone to him 
When he pulls the rug I shared out from under me
And if he’s setting me free
I’m gonna fly away
Not wait around for what he’s gonna say 
About my season 
If women are love and men are reason 
Give me compassion any day
And let the rest just fade away

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Beautiful Disaster

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I found beauty in the trauma
And the flora and fauna 
Were hidden from me 
In the dark forest of history
And she enclosed me with a snare
It was almost as if I wasn’t there 
When she sent the splinter into my side
Did she really not want me to be alive
Because she did her best to trump the card
Did she realise she made things so very hard
And I was just a teen 
But I wanted to exit the dream 
By any ways and means 
And I’m sewing a dress but the seams
Keep busting and they won’t fit 
And there are no boys I want to hit
On anymore
The dark expanse was the door 
Into a greater purveyance
And the conveyance
Was suffering and pain 
Til I opened my arms to the rain 
And instead of getting wet
A sun broke that I cannot forget 
In my darkest night
I became the light 
Of the only and ever one
If you feel you are coming undone 
Then you are on the right track
And somehow I cannot go back 
To what I was
I know this because
I have tried
And I hide
My new found skin
With everyone except with him 
He just touched me paper thin 
And I realised destiny was a sin 
I long to make with his touch 
And I love him so very much 
Though he may never know
I thought he should so I let the bird go
And fly across the sea
To where he lay in grey mystery 
Just pondering a solace
But it was a volatile
Explosion in the moment of us
And though it hurt I still trust 
In the infinity that we are 
If you burn then let that star
Combust in its own atmosphere 
That’s how you know that God is near

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The Power Of This Moment

.Reading time 1 minute.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***

There is power in this moment 
And I feel it when I own it
And let the pain go
Like the sky just lets the snow 
From its grasp 
Because no cloud can last 
In a frozen form
And when the days get warm 
All that ice will melt
So it goes with how I felt 
In the midst of the blackest night
But the dawn came and I was alright 
As I pondered suicide
And what it means to be alive
That may have been eons ago
But it leaves its mark on you, you know
And I just want to let anyone know who trudges
That there is a peace that never budges 
And it’s to be found right where you are
You don’t have to journey to a star 
To find your own burning strength 
I used to wonder where it went 
As I hid out between the lines
So that they couldn’t define
Me as mentally ill 
Or someone with a dysfunctional will 
I am forever free 
And just because the night visited me
Doesn’t mean I don’t know the sun
It all collapsed into one 
And I could see that duality
Is only there to bring out the best of me 
When I don’t know who I am 
I close my eyes and trust in God’s plan

The Saint

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The saint was born the day that I died
Like Gandalf the Grey becoming the White 
And there was no absorbing light 
Only a peaceful flame 
That does not go by any name 
You could call it earthy awareness 
And I could guess
What you mean by that 
But it gives you something it can’t take back
And when the dream is rendered moot
No one can play the flute
Not with you, not anymore
And they think I close the door
But the reality is I am pulled away
From the places I cannot stay
There is distance in between 
Me and her and her and what they seem
To be 
But free
Does not mean foolish or prude
I’m sorry if I appear a little rude
But I’ve got to speak my mind
When I don’t I do hard time 
At the institution they call St. Pat’s 
And there are welcome mats 
With my name written on 
They don’t realise I’m already gone 
As who I used to stand as 
And it’s nothing bad
But it is unusual and unexpected 
And it’s not as thought I would have rejected
Him without good reason
His love is a season
In the infinity of space time 
For a moment he was mine
And then we were separated 
Like the schools where we were educated 
In to make good people of us
With rulers and lines and teachers we could trust 
Some at least 
And I wonder if the last supper is a feast
Like it’s portrayed
And if Judas was dismayed
To be singled out like that 
And I wonder what was he at
To betray a saviour true
Til I had it done to me too 
By a girl I used to know 
She cracked the whip so I let her go 
And I don’t know if time is fast or slow
All I’ve realised is that it doesn’t exist though

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At The Bottom Of The Ocean

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***


There was that time I was at the bottom of the ocean
The weight of the sky held all my emotion 
And it was burden to me
Until the day I was set free
Like some kind of ennui to fly
But some part of me wanted to die 
It held me like a vicegrips 
I let go and something slips
Into the abyss 
Is it that I miss 
The point of modern existence
So much so that my reference is met with resistance
To what it is 
And I will never be his 
Not now, not anymore
Not since he closed that door 
The one I had opened to let him in 
But the grave is solemn as our sin
As we barely make it through
There were days I screamed at you
And my family bled me dry 
For the crime of wanting to try
To climb to the sky
And sometimes I wonder why 
They condemned me to an education 
In their version of the situation 
Where I am the betrayer of the light 
The one they crack my knuckles with at night 
In tune with the rhythm 
Of their own great schism 
The one that pulls
There is a pain that never dulls
Not sharp and quick 
But one you live with and it’s a bitch 
Much more so than the submerge
And I am on the verge
Of letting go 
And opening to the place I can’t know 
The deep and vast spaciousness pure
If only I could know for sure
What it was 
Like I did before I learned their laws 





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The Embodiment Of The Prose
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






The embodiment of the prose
That happens at the intersection of less travelled roads
Where you meet two parallel paths
And think of how God might have wrath 
For you and entice 
You into a darkness that isn’t nice
Because if you look in the biblical frame 
You’re talking to someone who has no name 
And you can call him Yahweh or Yeshua 
I just know that I wouldn’t mess with ya 
Not on any given Sunday
But trouble doesn’t come on a Monday
It was some idle Tuesday blue
That took me from you 
And I was just walking back
From the place where I lack
Everything that ever was
Do I lose you because
I didn’t pray for peace
Is there a reason why people decease
Before their time 
Which is always now if you ask the rhyme 
In the indulgent hues 
Now I just pay my dues
As they fall onto my desk 
Trust and have faith and forsake the rest 
As it eyes up my piece of bread 
But it’s all madness in my head
As I hear a million voices
Asking me if they have choices 
In why they are condemned to 
A kind of hell I’m party to 
And if I’m the only one who nears
Then do I run away when danger nears
Or do I open the gap
And shed light on the torn map
That says beyond this point 
You must not go because the anoint
Have adorned it a place for sinners
And all the winners 
That you have ever known 
Have only ever grown 
Through the pain of embracing the shadow 
I often wonder if I am bad, though 















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Getting The Message To Where It Needs To Be
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






I’m getting the message to where it needs to be
Because people drown in a foot of sea
Water as it comes up to their throats
They don’t know they can stand up and hope floats
And seeks eternity in the bones
Of the body the soul has made home
We tiptoe around the fact
It doesn’t help that I want him back
In spite of all his flaws
And the way the icicle thaws
As it hangs like a stalactite
From the room I ignite 
With my Lára flame 
You know everything is in a name
And I am not to be crossed
But look, baby, all is not lost
Not if you count the shipwreck safe
But there’s a coast we can escape
To if you just open your eyes
But you keep them closed and something dies
In the subterfuge
And it’s all rouge 
Everywhere
And people who just do not care
About what has come to pass
And the part of love that last
Far past the point of surrender
I do everything I can to make you remember 
But you are lost in your nonchalant 
As I pick an adequate font 
To write out your epitaph 
You know you made me laugh 
So hard that day
But was I laughing at what goes away 
When the midnight is done
And there is a sun
That does not need light 
Or fusion to combust into all that’s right
And I know you hobble and I know that spiders’ webs
Weave their tendrils above your head
I’m just here to be a reminder
That if you look you will find her
Right where she always was
Under the stone of your in-laws 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Years Pass By
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






I’m on medication
Change the TV station
Because I am strong
And I have done nothing wrong
But I want to reveal 
How I feel 
For all the broken and shamed
For all of the days that cannot be named
Because of the darkness they emanate
And you feel trapped in that state
When you are in it
And the Church just says don’t sin it
But I’ve got to believe there’s another way
To articulate, to say
That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how
To deal with the weight in the fields you plough
And I want to issue to sky
That there is something that doesn’t die
In the perforate
You don’t need to equate
What you do with what you are
You are born from the scattered star
That once imploded
So though they may have goaded
You into submission
Remember your original condition 
And that shine 
God is neither yours nor mine
But the infinite 
You are not alone tonight

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Years Pass By
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






I’m on medication
Change the TV station
Because I am strong
And I have done nothing wrong
But I want to reveal 
How I feel 
For all the broken and shamed
For all of the days that cannot be named
Because of the darkness they emanate
And you feel trapped in that state
When you are in it
And the Church just says don’t sin it
But I’ve got to believe there’s another way
To articulate, to say
That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how
To deal with the weight in the fields you plough
And I want to issue to sky
That there is something that doesn’t die
In the perforate
You don’t need to equate
What you do with what you are
You are born from the scattered star
That once imploded
So though they may have goaded
You into submission
Remember your original condition 
And that shine 
God is neither yours nor mine
But the infinite 
You are not alone tonight

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Midnight That Shattered Me
		

		
.Reading time 3 minutes.

		

			

She’s a mystery to me
And I long to let her go free
But every attempt I make 
Is met with something she forsake 
And I reach out across the sea
But I’m met with a knee
In the gut to wind
And let me know that I have sinned
As she announces her realm
And the ship at the helm
Is vacant and empty
It’s been this way since we were twenty
And I sought to find
Something I had left behind
In my teens
(Not just the man of my dreams)
But friendship too
And I felt the lack of you
In Dublin City Centre
Captain America’s but I could not enter
Because the gate was barred
And I felt times get hard
As I refused to cross the line
That I felt them define
And commerce was too coarse for me
But I obeyed willingly
The teachers, the guidance, the accounts and the way
But there were things I could not say
As I walked through my apartment 
I heard a voice from your department 
Saying; “why am I in so much pain”
That was just before the rain
Pelted on me 
I ran from Jess and Hillary
As they left bottles on the floor
And became something that I abhor
They throw a party in the dorm
But they do not warn
Either I or Caroline
I walk in and it would have been fine
If I could’ve just locked my door
But I get dressed up and walk on the fifth floor
And have a chat with Colin too
Though he is different than what I’d want to
Embody as the excel 
But he’s alright so I said “well”
It is an Irish greeting
You say when you are meeting
Someone you causally know
Then sanity let me go
In February of that year
I felt myself on the edge of a tear
As Snow Patrol belted a tune
But I could feel the split in the room
As I wrapped myself in a blanket 
I did not forget to thank it 
For its warm embrace
When everything seemed to deface 
The old tome
And I just wished for home
But I could not go back 
And everything I lack 
Is muted in the undertone
I loved my Nokia phone
And I kept the messages I sent
Three hundred of them before I went
To America, to New York
And somehow there was a fork 
In the road I chose to walk
I am not to be all talk 
But something deeper than they see
I will walk out of history
And write the words that have called to me
Since the beginning of mystery
Decided it would dance with me
Now I am all beauty 
And sparkling lights 
And in my darkest nights
I could still find love
Just trust it’s there because above
Will never failed to sink
Into depths you do not think 
Can ever be perforated
Depression is underrated

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Winter I Endured
		

		
.Reading time 3 minutes.

		

			

The winter I endured
Was far from pure
The snow was tinged with scattered blood
And it was anything but good 
As the forest turned to trees with eyes
Out to get me in my disguise
And they may say agenda
But I would always defend ya
From the forces that come to pass
I sat in the young adults group before I hit twenty four
They’d get you to talk behind a closed door
Like it was some kind of club
While you’re dosed up on some drug 
And I remember a boy who slurred his speech
Is this the lesson that they teach
To all of us
That the broken trust
Will lead us to the promised land
But their broken promises are all sand 
As they try to dampen your spirit
I’ll say it loud so that everyone will hear it
And Teresa in the bed across
Was shocked half to death by a girl boss
And told it would heal her depression
But here is my confession 
That, though I shook and though I wake
I did it all for her sake 
Shouted to the dragon in her bed
Said, follow me instead
Coz I can carry the weight
And she cannot stand the hate
And I sat by Shauna’s side
If this was the only reason I’d abide
In that place for a thousand years 
I grabbed a bucket to catch their tears
And I would face all of their fears
With them so they wouldn’t be alone
Now friends are clicking on a phone
And I watch them search
For a place to land that doesn’t hurt 
And they say social media is hell
And I’ve certainly lived to tell 
The scéal 
And the tale 
Is long and well worn 
But I am certainly not forlorn
When they put me on the “done”
I’d rather take a hash brownie or scone 
Because what they prescribed
Only ever made me feel less alive
It’d be enough to drive a man to drink
Or a woman to overthink 
The things she does by instinct 
But God cleared up the flood
And I taste and see that the Lord is good
And he will redeem
The shackles that just fell from the queen 
And the Son of Man was crucified 
Just so that the Pharisees could abide
In their positions of power 
But everyone who claims to tower
Over another will be brought low
You’re looking down so I thought I should let you know 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Keep That Dog From His Door
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






Please keep that dog from his door
It visited me, now it is no more
As it crushed the carbon and coal
Into the diamond of my soul
Reborn into something new
Now I pray for each one of you
Who may have to face the dark
But in the night don’t forget the spark
That issues from your core
It clicks like a lighter til a furnace roar
Drowns out the blaze
I pray for the people the sun will save 
In the midst of ruin
I think God knows what He’s doing
But that doesn’t stop the doubt from rising
I see the ones who are barely surviving
And those who have crossed 
But everything is not lost
Even when you think it’s done
The human heart is precious, each and every one 


					

	




					
						


		

		

			
From The Ashes
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

***Trigger Warning - Mental Heath Issues***





I open up and the love
Pours through like a season real
But it’s like my soul is a steal
And everyone’s vying for the highest bid
So I found a cavern and hid
And some call it the activity room
I call it the shelter from doom
As they discuss my mental state
I could tell them off but it’ll have to wait
Coz at that time they had all the power
And I was a princess trapped in a tower
By a horrible man
And I can 
Only hold my head up high
Because the spirit in me is not gonna die
Or get broken in, wild horse on the loose
You won’t lead me to the noose 
With your talk me down farewells
And your sympathy with some kind of hell
You have constructed 
I had it all and you think I fucked it up
But I was just waiting for a more peaceful plain
For the phoenix in me to rise again

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Unspeakable Mystery
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

If there’s a loving God why did he create hell
Is it excommunication or just not knowing you well
Coz I see you on the verge of every tip I love to talk
Fascinated in my mind by the way that you walk
As if those two shoulders hold some kind of weight
I can see them start to buckle under heavy fate
So I reach out and grab a hand
We lock eyes; you’ll be grand
And I would die and sacrifice a thousand times
Just to pen you poetry that fit with your rhymes
And the darkness cascades
But you’re the one that it saves
For me 
I love you so much more, I’m free
With the steady beam of headlight gaze
Did you deepen the hue or did I just colour the page
The shade of blue you are to me
Some unspeakable mystery
That blurs all the lines between good and okay
It’s not in what he does or does not say
It’s the vulnerability and the honest truth
The softness I felt in my youth
To hold your hand 
And sit beside your slipping sand
Til the hourglass crack
Now I want you back
For eternity
I scrawl in my diary
A name that I’ll keep
Wake, brother bear, it’s no time for sleep

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Blades Of Grass
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

All the people who suffer
And the winter that loves her
I trudged through the snow 
I must go through this coz I cannot let go
And the winds howled, the dark cascaded 
Am I too young to be this jaded 
Create a space, the Lord said
Or is this just a voice I hear in my head
But don’t we all
In the year of the freefall
Into open air 
But there’s no ground to pull your hair
And tell you you’re not good enough
It’s pure unadulterated love
That catches your skin
When you trust in Him
And see 
That the blades of grass hold eternity
In their silky green skin
And how much more are you loved within
In the true home 
You are never alone 
You must come to know
Something holds you and will not let go

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Sinking Feeling
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

I clung to the shore 
I had discovered and what’s more
It was my safe space 
Nothing could touch that place 
Then I was eighteen 
And the darkness invaded the dream
It came in a box on the sea
Moving closer towards me 
Then it opened and the black came out
Coloured by fear and my self doubt
I tried to save the beach
But it was forever out of reach
And there’s no going back now 
I must find a way to swim somehow 
In the ocean that has submerged the land 
I don’t expect anyone to understand
As I explain 
That the sky is pouring rain
And I happen upon a kindly soul
But do I let him into how my waves roll
I think he knows anyway
Though he laughs at what I say
With a bashful grin
And I must admit that I love him
In the moment he listened and heard
The call of that solitary bird 
On the branch
And life is like a cattle ranch
Always hemming you in
But there’s a time to lose and a time to win 
And if you could but grin
I think I could accept what has made me sin 
Against the God I know
But bliss is kissing me in the snow 
When the monumental march
Gives vessels to the ground that parch
In the baking heat
If you’re hearing this get back on your feet!

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Buataisí Beaga
		

		
.Reading time less than 1 minute.

		

			





The fire seems to catch me by the boots 
And throw me upside down 
I catch my breath
And then I drown 
In the ocean of what we are 
Cosmically, a star
Fluttering somewhere on the edge of what we know 
I hold on because letting go
Isn’t an option now 
I see you somehow 
Through the smoke and fog
I throw another log 
On the burning hearth
It keeps me warm when it gets dark 
And you share this strength with me
As we fight, wilfully 
Abandon all life thought to know
About twin flames in the snow 
Finally, to realise 
We both share the same skies 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Issues
		

		
.Reading time 3 minutes.

		

			

The pain reverberates around the inner wall of my sanctum
All is lost and I never thanked him
For who he was to me
They say that death is to be set free
But chains encircle and the vice, it grips
Some people escape by going on head trips
I sit in the suffer 
Coz I know you loved her
In your short time here
Your golden hair and fiery heart, my dear
Will never go to waste 
I stay chaste
And good and clean
But I only meet you in a dream
Til he walks on the scene 
And everything I love is in full colour 
The Now is here and the past is duller
But the car crash of us mimics the cry
Of the moment I learned that you die
Grasping, clawing, trying to hold on
But you are already gone
And memory
Seems to be 
The only thing you have left me 
As the vultures circle looking for some chew 
While I’m on the grass just talking to you
And he was a symbol of salvation, I held him tight
But he’s emptiness in the night
Always a little too far away
With a little too much to say
About me and you, he and I
And I’m not gonna lie
I tried to make that plaster fit
He just thinks I am a little bitch
Affection and playful but it’s not enough
I’m looking for Eternal Love
To bridge the gap
Because Death leaves behind no map
And the scrap of what I can remember 
Of the years of knowing you
Is scrawled in a diary I put pen to
But it doesn’t bring you back, I chew the cap
What if I have another relapse
And end up in the psych ward again
Because reality is not my friend
So I take refuge in fables
Keep up if you’re able
It’s a litany
Of all the liars I never got to be 
And somewhere in the sunshine I see you again
You set the gold standard of men
And you were there that year in 2007
In the blue camp and I, eleven,
In love with with your name
Life will never, ever be the same
With you gone, now there’s no one to squeeze my hand 
And smile like everything is grand 
And fun and neat
Next door neighbours, next time we meet
Will be an eon hence
My Love is never in the past tense

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Fliuch Báite
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			





Deliver all these notes into the hands of my older self 
I don’t know who could take from them anything else
And am I just hoarding trinkets 
Blink it’s 
Gone 
And I never said so long 
But you belong 
By my side
As the grey hairs encroach
On what I love the most
And, time, it is a fickle thing
And Aoibhín said I had a broken wing
In Dean Swift in St. Pat’s
They must have been wondering what I was at
Stalking the halls like a hungry ghost
In the shape of what I love the most
And it is coast to coast
But the shackles just fall
And I drew an eye on the wall
Coz I felt it watching me 
Shared a part of my history
I was back a year later and they hadn’t ruined 
The information that just came too soon
Til a woman took a pen
And wrote words over it again and again
So they painted the colour and the mess
A shade of brown but I digress
From what I’m saying here
It’s just I feel you near
When I’m locked in a cell
By those who wish me well
And they click a pen
Write the error down again
And I can’t seem to explain
That when the sky cracked into the rain
The pane of glass came falling down
Into sheets on the ground 
And I was soaked through and through
Fliuch and staring up at you
As I scream unto the sky
Please don’t let me die
Until I make destiny mine
And I will go through it, it’s fine
As all and sundry move away
Leave me to fall into what they say
And the meanings true
I reach out but there’s no you

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Illusion Of Separation
		

		
.Reading time less than 1 minute.

		

			

Is love pain?
It’s a desire to be together again
And the separate
Kind of makes my hands shake 
As we’re torn asunder
And all that you have of someone is their number 
And years drag you apart
I am all heart
With a thin veneer
To protect me when danger comes near
And the cracks on my shell
Sure as hell wish me well
And I grow older 
And bolder 
With confidence
And the first defense 
Is the war you make
The splinters in each breath you take 
As you draw some inspiration
From the oxygen of your own creation
To live anew
I guess what I’m saying is I miss you 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Oceanic Life
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

Oceanic life, I can feel the drown
Rising up when I’m outta town
It’s like a vast submerge
Has me on the verge
Of saying exactly what I mean 
And punching a hole in the dream
That I built so carefully
And I’m sure they don’t see
But the forces of unconsciousness move to contain
What they suspect might be rain
And I’m coming down in a deluge 
And it’s like my heart is the centrifuge 
Of the whole storm 
And I’m both cold and warm
As the fronts meet each other
And somehow I found a brother
Who connected on the level I chose
Coz all of them are lined up in little rows 
And I draw outside the lines
I replay it a thousand times 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Trauma
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






Does the pain go by the name of trauma
And are we just flora and fauna
In the Garden Of Eden
What do you believe in
Coz I know you’re atheist 
But it doesn’t erase the trust
I have in the Divine
And if I say I’m doing fine
It would be a lie
Coz people die
And I try to stem the flow
Of holding on to let go
It gets ripped from you
Out of the hands it once poured into
And you hit me like a smash and grab 
And I know you’re not just a lad
Who’s down with the girls
I uttered; “you are my world”
And you balked
I almost wish we never talked
Coz it landed me in hell
In an all-but-name kind of cell 
Where they were super nice to me
But tried to change me by degree
By offering medication 
So I might change the station
But I am the screen
The pictures that move are the dream
But I can convince no one
So I just let the drum
Beat me til I’m nothing new
But I can’t claim it was for you
Coz I let go the true
In a sunset kind of hue
That wakes to pay it’s due 
I faked the sleeping thunder blue

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Death And The End Of Things
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			





Death and the end of things
Did it clip my broken wings
Coz I saw it in every facet
Of a diamond hue
And counted down the days
Until it would take you
And now I’m thirty three
One day it’ll take me 
Away from the world of form
The world into which 
I was born 
And it was midnight when I realised
That everything I loved died
On the street that day
And it’s not okay
To just say
That all things end
And love’s around the riverbend
Coz they never seem to care
About what isn’t there
Where it once was 
And I got angry just because
I couldn’t change it
Couldn’t change anything 
So I find the lungs to sing
The song you taught me all those years ago
And it doesn’t take snow
To preserve a body cold
What happens to us when we get old
Do we live in regret
Replacing what hasn’t happened yet 
Coz the time has piled
And all the miles 
We go from the place where we were
And nothing can replace her
Not as hard as it tried
The world is full of lies
But there is a truth that just fails
To catch the wind that set my sails
Upon a foreign sea
Are you still watching over me
Or is it just rueful fate
I love and It forgets the hate


					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Monument
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			





Fighting the monument to the era gone by
I dunno, I just had to try
But throwing stones at the wall
Is not the way to get over it all
And they had me medicated to the hilt
I couldn't stop crying til the flower wilt
And the flow of the years pass through
As I stare through the window at you
Hoping you might turn your head
But I better watch my mouth or I'll end up dead
Coz there's traps for every sound
And they're scattered all around
In the avenues that people walk 
And the professionals are all talk
Coz it's a road less traveled by
And it's a witch hunt if you claim to fly
When you are an earth bound creature
But I thought this deserved a feature 
In the newspaper of us
It's crumpled like our broken trust

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
No Deal
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






They talk about taking a cut
I don’t wish to intrude but
Isn’t that selling out on your dreams
The tailor rips all the seams 
On a mighty dress
And I confess
That I never really knew what this life thing was
I just keep holding on because 
It seems to be the only thing to do
Hold my breath and set the queue 
And everything will be alright
There is no way to fight the night
Only accept its lapping waves
And the superhero who saves 
Is your own deepest core
Pushing you til you know there’s more 
Than surface appearance
In the woods and there’s been a clearance
Into some sort of scene
Everything is hazy as a dream
As I take what they offer me 
But I would rather be free
Of the chains that bind
They run rings around my mind
But suffice to say
It doesn’t go away
It only suppress
It’s there to be addressed
And I hold my hand out to the dark
It dances me around in the park
With the grass under my feet
How was it that we never meet
In all the years we’ve been together
Just me, you and the weather
And it’s a lavender suite
I let it go and defeat
Is the sweetest thing I know
It just took Him time to show
The underneath that silences doubt
Now forever is what I’m all about
And death is the mask that God wears
You don’t realise it til the illusion tears
And you’re left with a landscape in your lap
Did the Universe take a nap
On overseeing the score 
Coz I’m not sure who I am anymore 
But You assure
That this road is pure
As midnight snow
The moon kissing the white below 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
My Melancholia
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






The streets are awash with my well worn fame
But just coz you know my name 
Doesn’t mean you know what I am
And I have a plan
To be the best thing since sliced pan 
But I get interrupted 
And things must be adjusted 
To fit my frame 
I used to love the game
There was that time my vision narrowed
Watching films and the haunting harrowed
As everyone just moved on
The place where I stood was long gone
And images rose up like a screen
Popping bubbles in the dream
And I lay in bed
Trying to quench the firestorm in my head
At eighteen
In Roebuck Hall stifling a scream
Into my pillow
Now she’s released Willow
Into the world
And I’ve grown up a girl
Into a fortress strong
Resilient that could never be wrong
And I spilt ink all over the page
Used my pen to rage and rage
Instead of caging the beast
I let the paper become the feast
And devour the pain inside
I don’t think I need to hide
Coz I know there’s a whole plethora
Of people who wish they didn’t know that 
That which I’m talking about
And the words that came out of my mouth
Were confused and afraid 
Like the sun had just put me in the shade
But it’s all in the past
Though the strength will last
Some kind of quantum leap
In consciousness that doesn’t sleep
Even when my eyes close
Are there reasons for everything, only God knows

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Battered And Bruised
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






Is she battered and bruised
Or just slightly used
Coz I can’t clamber back up
Into the heights of our love
It’s like something has been locked out
And it smacks of my doubt
In a crescent moon
And is the end coming soon
Or do we have time
Is it a holy crime
To count the days of tomorrow as now
Coz life won’t let me somehow
It gives me clear directions and tells me write
I look up and you’re alright
So I dip my quill
Let the ink spill
And though I never will
I paint pictures with the upmost skill
Until
The bell chimes
And we’re full of “I’m fine”s
But how are you really
And do you feel me
Or is it just refraction
I’m stifled by my own inaction
In the face of war
Could you tell me what it’s for
Coz I hear the gun ring out
And my self doubt
Spirals a song
Could you tell me what I’m doing wrong?
And I feel our humanity
But it’s just not up to me
As I swim in the stream
Against the current and it’s a dream
Can I wake up now
I’ll hold your hand if you allow
So that we both might stir
My reflection in the still of her






					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Human Mind
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			


There’s more purpose to this than there seems

We’re not all dreaming different dreams

But unconsciously in the whole

We are connected by the soul

And pick up on the underlie

The fear to live, the fear to die

There is a fine thread

That bridges what I said

So never think you are alone

Millions live because you come home

And end the fight and end the war

Inside, do you know what its for?

When you face that devil down

Your light will know it can’t drown

By any hand, by any degree

Please, my loves, listen to me

For there is a spin and a tired place

And none of this has gone to waste

All the years of arcane

Were getting ready for the rain

That will wash this tide away

For once Peace will come to stay

Nothing at all, then something forever

Love is never a fruitless endeavour

But washings on the walls of luck

I’m not afraid, let me come unstuck

And I will be the artistry

That says, come brother, follow me

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Mindful Solution
		

		
.Reading time 8 minutes.

		

			
So, for quite a while now, I have hated the term mental health. I’m not sure if I ever liked it or appreciated its value, as I always see it bandied about as a label to slap on people with difficulties. Oftentimes the people who are apparently “disapprovalwell” are also profoundly dysfunctional. So for this reason, I prefer the term mindful. I prefer the understanding that I am taking care of my mind and that sometimes that is a messy process, that there have been years of bad and foolish behaviour to look at and understand and make sense of. There is also so much emotional pollution on the planet and I feel that sensitive individuals are the ones who bear the brunt in its transformation.


So, to backtrack, when I was fourteen I experienced what could be termed the dark night of the soul, in spiritual circles. Having done extensive reading in years since it seems to be a relatively common phenomenon among the spiritually minded. It is the complete absence of meaning and the arising of profound darkness that happens when you truly allow the world to be plunged into reality. In reading some of the writings of Mother Teresa, it is clear she also experienced this. She wrote of the feeling of absence, as though God had left her, yet she was powerfully impelled to continue the work she was doing as if some unseen force was moving her. She concluded that God had forced her into this state as some sort of a test and she prayed for the day the light would come again. Also, in reading the work of Adyashanti, he talks about a spiritual winter, where all your leaves are stripped bare, leaving only the starkness of your bare branches behind. This description certainly resonates with me. However, as someone growing up in the mid 00’s in rural Ireland, these were not concepts or terms I was familiar with. The only description that seemed analogous was the one of depression, which was spoken about in hushed terms and with a sense of reproof. God, that couldn’t be me. I have written the word in my diary around that time but I remember studiously avoiding it whenever I would see it written, in a newspaper, a class project or a musician talking about his experience. I couldn’t come face to face with the idea for a long time because it horrified me.


And yet the most horrifying part was that I loved, loved, loved the way it felt. It was dark and dismal and utterly profound, like an infinity of time and space in every direction and I felt imbued with great power. I remember a photograph I took shortly after my fifteenth birthday. It was the sky over my house, it was dark and thunderous looking. I remember being in awe when I looked at the image because I saw my own self reflected and the experience was one of incredible depth and devastation. And I found it wondrous. I watched as my old identity was crumbled away and I willed on every step, even as my family wondered what in the hell had happened to their once happy go lucky child. I, however, couldn’t have been more at peace. I recognised this crumbling as the crumbling of illusion, the death of a dream, the pulling apart of the veil of life, so that a greater understanding of life could emerge. Sometimes when I look into someone’s eyes I can tell they are experiencing a similar phenomenon, only to them, it may not be so wondrous but rather a threatening experience that may take all they have, even their life.


And the truth is the price is your life. You cannot truly live until you have relinquished your life. You cannot truly be free until you are willing to die for that freedom. “Come death and welcome, Juliet wills it so.”


So I opened arms to the great expanse and gave what it asked of me and the rest has been left behind, as shattered glass that melts back into the fire that made it. But for anyone still struggling with this all I can say is to trust yourself, trust in that inner voice that speaks when all else goes quiet, or that is still when everything else is screaming loud. Trust it and trust yourself, because I do. x


*** Also a note to anyone reading this::: Do not be afraid to reach out to a trusted individual, an anonymous helpline or someone who is experienced in dealing with the emotional impact of depression if you feel you need to. Despite my disavowal of the term mental health, in the absence of anyone to guide me in a spiritual sense, I took a lot of strength and comfort from people who engaged with me on this level. There came a time for me to let go of it but the value of having someone to talk to cannot be underestimated.


If this is not your thing then I feel that writing down your experience helps to externalise the feelings. Note: the feelings. Feelings are not personal, they are visitors, they come to go, if you are able to meet them. They are like children and once you turn your focus on them they stop crying. The power of your attention is atomic.  I feel that the teacher Byron Katie speaks very powerfully on this and a quick YouTube or Google will give you hours of her to listen to on loop. I love the woman. But again, don’t be afraid to seek out support when needed. This is just my take. You be the guide of your own life and build back up a world that is worthy of you. xxx All of my love, Laura. xxx


dark dark blue cloud

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Man in Black
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			
Depression takes everything you have, it’s a lot like death

And when it hits you you do not forget

Are forever changed, forever moved

And, dare I may say it, greatly improved

So can I be a spokesperson for the darkness within

It’s not all bad though I didn’t tell him

And I am sunlit because I know

night

Even more so than that, I know something is right

Cause they are both just opposing sides of a coin

Lesser and greater eventually join

Into one river that leads to the sea

I am so proud of who I’ve come to be

I feel mountainous when speaking to you

When you try to help me to talk it through

I just smile at your innocentness

To think you could undo the cause of my distress

Like you could unmake the blue of the sky

Like you could raise eyes and make them un-die

But what is seen can never be taken back

So for now, I’ll be the man in black

Til all of the colours bleed into the sink

I will be the absence that makes you think

And skip a beat when you see my peace

Fearless in the face of what will decease

Because this world is just building on snow

I am of another and that’s where I go

So don’t pity the rook that sits in the tree

Wild things have wings and know how to be free

Accepting their fate on the breeze as it comes

It called for me and I have succumbed

Don’t worry your mind into the grey

I was born to be this way

No, there’s nothing wrong as far as I can see

So thank you but I’ll pass on what you offer me

And you may never understand

But there’s a design consciousness has planned

I have grown to compassionately embrace

The canvas collection fear will deface

But love will multiply whatever you give her

You can’t blame the rocks for shaping the river