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darkness

The Songstress

I saw the shadow of my soul in the indent of his eyes
I took it on the chin and it took me by surprise
Like the sun and the moon forever apart
Until that time of day when they both take heart
And you’re not a perfect person, I could list your flaws
And there is an ice inside that never thaws
But I saw you in the ash though you hid in the smoke
And you handed me a fiver when I was going broke
But I am no beggar, at least not anymore
And I am tired of knocking at the same damn door
When I know the truth is this, you’re not who I sought
Although you just might be the best lie I ever bought

Image: https://www.prosveta-usa.com/the-secret-of-polarity

It Itself

The one who’s troubled
And the one who sees
Share the same place
And so I grieve
For I am only
Occupancy
For all that I
Will never be
Til a different movement
Takes my hand
Collapse the ground
Upon which you stand
Collapse the mount
You made yourself
For it can’t be done
By anyone else

White Fire Love

I saw the White Light
I saw Supreme
In an instant I
Woke from the dream
But upon rising
I found myself
In the same damn place
As everyone else
And yet I split the sun
It shone from the cracks
The glass had shattered
And now I can’t go back
But falling to thieves
I stumbled forth
And they stole from me
With no remorse
I offered hands
I offered bread
They took all
And left me for dead
Now here in the gutter
I stare at the sky
With a star sparkling
In my eye

Image Credit: Florence + the Machine

The Christ

https://open.spotify.com/track/5i2JGF65pHKSfMEjSMrBC3?si=5zbZax1WRja5ZgId1BxKEw

My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need

Moody Blues

I have the FOMOODs, I can’t tell you what that means
Only that it is full of all my could have beens
That I spied on my head when I lay directly under
Stars of your making, just behind the thunder
In a field full of grass because I’m not afraid of rain
I got to see the sky held beneath the pain
And the smile that cracks the sunlight in your eyes
I was there to see the truth so don’t tell me that it’s lies
Because you can’t explain your way out of an escape
And I could be your hero, with or without the cape
Though I do not claim to fly or burn bullets with my vision
I can see right through you and do so with precision
As you surreptitiously suppose things that may come to be
You may not know it yet but you’re still looking for me
In all of the crevices and clothes that you pile under
You can’t run away now that I have your number
To ring up and to dial like I am death himself
We’re only counting days until we see there’s something else
So whatever you may find I know that it will ring
The bells of a tomorrow when you give me everything
And sacrifice your soul on the alter of this love
All I want is you and what you pointed out above
So, letters to the incomplete that never get returned
What do you do with them, after reading are they burned?
For what could you want with the musing of a child
Unless I was right and you’re not just in my mind
But real and exist beyond the combings of the ether
You got me alone so it gave me a breather
To know what it was like against my worser will
To stand by your side, fearfully still
Afraid to even move to disturb the interruption
Of the volcano that you are in the midst of my corruption
Of the wild flowers in fields, so delicately strong
They outlast the others that are long since gone
In all my misery and in all your fevered might
I think you held my heart and I let you see the light
That pulses to a beat that I cannot contain
Though it just gets louder when I feel that you’re in pain
Til crumbling and falling like a building to the ground
I pray for a silence to overtake the sound
But just like you, I cannot unhear
The power of the presence that I felt draw near
When we wore matching soles to skip across the dust
I used to believe in God, now you’re where I place my trust
And I know that in time you will give in to see
What has always been, before you, finally

Photo Credit: http://pin.it/N_HlOaR

Purchase Order

That was never what I wanted anyway
A purchase order to make you stay
A sacrifice to buy me time
On your arm or in your mind
And now comes the chorus of regular love
That pales in comparison to all of the above
That doesn’t make me sign away
A life inside the music box you play
But it is pale blue and pastel
Where you took it all and me as well
Into a chasm or ocean deep
Full of the secrets that we keep
Even now, so many miles from here
There’s a boundary line and we keep clear
From the rushing silver of an oncoming train
And the pounding pictures in our brain
That regurgitate long worn down facts
About loving someone who doesn’t love you back
That fit us both just at different times
And when I wanted you you weren’t mine
But bulletproof and cascading
The storm you’ve spent your life evading
As I see the corner of your eye
That doesn’t want to speak but dares me to try
Against your insolent up in arms
We both took walks in the surrounding farms
Down the alleyways of country lanes
Feeling out of place with peculiar pains
That tell me, tell me something’s missing
That its your face I should be kissing
The man I love, the only one
I was there when the world begun
With your hand slotted right into the ridge
Of my knuckle bones, that’s the way it is
From now until forever ends
Our destiny clashes where the line bends
And with collision force of love crossed stars
To lose it all when I lose my heart
Because now I’m sworn to another
Well I was all along and you’re still my brother
As we simile at the infraction
You gain ground to keep traction
As landslide goes your house and home
I know that you are all alone
Though the fire’s warm and crackles the hearth
No one answers when you call the dark
But hang up when you lift the phone
I know the feeling though it isn’t shown
So smile in that photograph you take
I’ll be here when you wake

Man in Black

Depression takes everything you have, it’s a lot like death
And when it hits you you do not forget
Are forever changed, forever moved
And, dare I may say it, greatly improved
So can I be a spokesperson for the darkness within
It’s not all bad though I didn’t tell him
And I am sunlit because I know
night
Even more so than that, I know something is right
Cause they are both just opposing sides of a coin
Lesser and greater eventually join
Into one river that leads to the sea
I am so proud of who I’ve come to be
I feel mountainous when speaking to you
When you try to help me to talk it through
I just smile at your innocentness
To think you could undo the cause of my distress
Like you could unmake the blue of the sky
Like you could raise eyes and make them un-die
But what is seen can never be taken back
So for now, I’ll be the man in black
Til all of the colours bleed into the sink
I will be the absence that makes you think
And skip a beat when you see my peace
Fearless in the face of what will decease
Because this world is just building on snow
I am of another and that’s where I go
So don’t pity the rook that sits in the tree
Wild things have wings and know how to be free
Accepting their fate on the breeze as it comes
It called for me and I have succumbed
Don’t worry your mind into the grey
I was born to be this way
No, there’s nothing wrong as far as I can see
So thank you but I’ll pass on what you offer me
And you may never understand
But there’s a design consciousness has planned
I have grown to compassionately embrace
The canvas collection fear will deface
But love will multiply whatever you give her
You can’t blame the rocks for shaping the river

Soft Eyes and Open Heart

Am I really this invisible to you
I am red like fire but you are a dark blue
And I really wish you were the one that got away
But you gave birth to a love that was made to stay
And I know that you’re obsessed with everything female
And you loved the feeling of losing your chainmail
But just cause you aggregate the sum total of causes
Doesn’t give you accuracy in deciphering pauses
You point out my shallows where you are deep
Sometimes the silence holds more than I know how to speak
And if you judge a fish by its tree climbing strength
Then you’ll never be aware of where the genius went
As you relegate yourself in my eyes
To an outside chance who hop scotches in lies
But the main conclusion that you assume
Doesn’t even come close to what I felt in that room
And you throw aggrandisements like silky spider thread
And it kills me to think of who you take to bed
I know that’s intrusive and I’m not a perfect saint
But I fill in the blanks of the picture you paint
To be so possessive and controlling of my heart
I never thought I’d be the one to make a mark
Or a fine hit, I will assassinate
But I already met you and now it is too late
To be crashed and burned at the hamstrings of your feet
I don’t think they get me, you know they call me sweet
And you’re the only one who really ever understood
That I have a dark side and am not wholly good
At least in this respect as you dangle the bait
I grit my teeth like you do when you make me wait
As the forest and the trees, they all shout your name
I guess that you are right, I am not the same
As I was years ago but you didn’t like
What I offered so I had to make something right
And readjust the sails on the ship that I’m steering
I’m sad you don’t like the things that you’re hearing
As I try my best but it’s falling short
And you tell me so with no remorse
But the burden falls solely into your hands
And you may not like it but you’re the guardian of these lands
In a country that is free, in a garden green
I’m not fooled by the multitudes of people you’ve been
As you promise sanity and a well balanced life
But you hide your truth behind the trenches of a wife
To blockade the arms that are hunting you down
It’s not the same since you left the town
As I wander and I weary where we used to be
And you cultivate the anchorage that keeps you at sea
When all in a moment the silence grabs us both
We are neither sun nor sand, the ocean nor the coast
And fallibility will reign on my parade
I guess I’m just startled by all you put in the shade
With your elegant light and glowing finesse
I seek you out to ease my distress
As you softly imbue your quiet refuge
With a peace I will happily drown in to prove
My loyalty to all you stand for
I’ll take all you have and then some more
The subtlety of your sincere divination
We were both supposed to be at that station
But you never came, no you never arrived
I don’t really know how I survived
The blow that hit me coming in from the west
And I asked God if this was some kind of test
That never seems to end because I never have you
I hope she makes up for what I could never do
Lie out in the openness of unhindered stars
What you had lined up for me were prison bars
Even if you don’t see it I am more than a girl
To frame the picture you take of this world
And to be dressed up for the let down, you see
I knew it would come eventually
When I couldn’t live up to what you’d idealised
I am human and hurt that everything dies
Even you and you especially so
I am not here to keep you from where you want to go
You ask it of me to be ball and chain
But the sacred feminine runs in my veins
To be lifted up and glorified
You are no the lesser because you have tried
To be a man who honours what’s whole
We’re all innocent when it comes to our soul
And laid bare and genuine when it really comes down
To someone we love to be around
And I can feel the longing you ache
The dreams that you enter are the ones I forsake
To divine will, how could one person be
The purpose of life in his mortality
Ever second guessing steps I failed to take
I was looking in your eyes when I felt you shake
And all the world collapsed out from under me
I feel like I am falling but you say I am free
And you may be right but I wouldn’t think so
Still anywhere with you I would be prepared to go
But you watched me from the sidelines like an experiment
And you would push the pulse to see where the blood went
And I know you are gentle and the fragile breaks
But I couldn’t read your mind or preempt my mistakes
That were red flagging my appearance in your mind
As you considered what it would take to leave behind
The penny you picked up dirty from the dust
I don’t know if you felt it when I leaned into the trust
That you inspired by your gentility
Others may have held back but I lacked ability
To contain what was rising from somewhere deep within
Anything that he asks I will give to him
But what I am you already are
And you can’t see yourself even if you try hard
Cause a knife can’t cut itself with its own blade
And I can’t undo the mess that I made
Revolving my inner voice as you supermassive rocket
You can’t apprehend the reason that makes something of it
And my optic nerve leads directly to my brain
And all I can think of is a particular train
And I know that you are bitter in your anxiety
But this is not one sided and you could have talked to me
A delectable flower in the field you passed
But you were blindsided and I didn’t think to ask
What was troubling you as you make your headway
To a goalpost that surpasses what transpired that day
And I wished I could have touched you in the rain
But I owed one to death and you savoured pain
So I give you your due and let it take me
Thank you for the darkness bequeathed infinitely
As I smile at the sadness in your goodbye
I think that you mean it but I don’t know why

Does That Mean I Love You Less

Until I forgive death I can’t have you
Cause it stole before and it’ll steal you too
And all the war that I have made
Doesn’t bring back what escaped
And the love that I felt is now tinged with pain
To feel connected to you again
And her last breath signalled hell
Breaking through the surface I knew well
To be repeated when I met you
Cause when I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would suffer when the time came to lose
The man I loved but didn’t choose
And I know we were young and that there are years
But there’s no guarantee and I felt the fear
When you held my hand, the fragility
In the warmth that was touching me
And your gentle softness I knew would be left
Within me forever if I was bereft
So I let the torture just take hold
To contemplate the thoughts of old
Though you never understood my response
I cannot blame you for what you want
And what ultimately I can never give
A life of beauty that you want to live
In all the violence my only peace
Is beneath the surface where you cease
To be the person that I knew
The crime that I cannot admit to
That I even crave release
From the waves everyone runs out to meet
And in the midnight the darkness I sensed
Was all that attracted me so intense
The emptiness that you exuded
The end to the beginning I concluded
And foreboding what you always are
The black absorbing every star
I hate to say that’s what I see
And I don’t know if you’ll still love me
When you realise the whole truth
That I died before I saw the light in you
Does that mean that I love you less
I didn’t wait before I left

Waterfall Drop

I don’t want to be a refugee
Of the war that has changed me
And the silence in between the sounds
I am the mortar the pestle grounds
And I have faded away

Once upon a time I held the world
But that was back when I was a girl
And ran so free through the fields
Now I feel the way my body yields
To the passing of time and circumstance
I never asked to be part of this dance
But here am I

Now they say not too far away
Is a place where my head can lay
But they spend their days to kill and maim
Before they shift their weight and then the blame
And I wonder am I human at all
If this is how they follow the call
It is chasming inside me

And all I ask is you remember me
As the way I used to be
Not the shadow that haunts the grounds
Of a past life where freedom abounds
It is all taken by time

And all my fever is just fighting the tide
But hot blood doesn’t mean you’re alive
As I have learned to my chagrin
But I have something, I want to let you in
You can count me with the dead

And all your motives just fall away
When you realise it cannot stay
Persuasion does not alter the ground
Because I have heard a sweeter sound
And move toward the light

So goodbye to all at the hearth
To tell the truth I prefer the dark
Than your tales of truth and lies
I am no longer bound by those ties
Something has cut the chain

And never, never will I return
I just want to see the whole world burn
In the fire that consumes it all
I forsake it and I let it fall
Therein lies my peace

Inspired by “After All” by Dar Williams

Borrowed Light

Maybe some people just don’t have it
The emptiness at the centre of their soul
The vacuum that sucks all life into itself
And I’m going on the assumption that this is true
Cause it doesn’t make sense otherwise
That someone could feel this way and still live a life of lonely abrasion
And I don’t apologise for the way that I am
If you can’t handle it I am not holding you here
I can barely thread the needle of my own atoms
So there’s no obligation on you to pin cushion my life
With your objections to my dignity
So sail on and may the horizon be the glow that endures
But I could never find in borrowed light
Just what I’m looking for

Unquantifiability

You’re at the edge of unquantifiability
And I can’t say I follow the line
Of your string theory interscope
Though I spend all of my time
Trying to decipher
The markings on your skin
Evidence of a tribal
That has scarred you from within
And you are like an animal
That scares easily from man
Though I don’t blame you
Cause you see what no one else can
And it is heartbreak to be crushed
Under your sleight of hand
And my only consolation
Is that you understand
Just what you are doing
As you slowly rip to shreds
All the scattered of the pieces
That are floating in my head
But I drift away
On the wavelength of a sound
That bends in quadratics
When you’re not around
And anchors me deeper
Into the roots I have grown
You are the only loss
The earth has ever known
As it spirals kaleidoscopic
And pierces my bodily flesh
It was just a misapprehension
When I felt you knew me best
As we matched fingertips
As we sat hand to hand
The undiscoverable
Opened out the land
That spread freedom wide
Amid the loveliness untold
But it not enough
And we fall back into the fold
That we both feel hit home
At having been cast out
Of the abyss we were born from
Now the birds are heading south
As I realise targeted
Arrows hit only once
You eyes do not meet mine
And I have lost the sun

Miscommunication

I know you feel you have to keep quiet
Cause you’re the entertainer most complete
And all of those eyes are trained on you
Like a performer in the street
But those are your loneliest moments
Where you break and the splint cracks
And try as you might to hold up the weight
You can’t get what you had back
And I want you to know, though you don’t like me at all
(Sometimes I’m the bane of your life)
That I see through the lies of your preeminent disguise
And I have you in my sight
And if you want to be fragile, come apart at the seams
You can do so in my arms
Or far away, an ocean apart
I’ll hold you when it all is dark
For though you have a life you profess wonderful
And I’m not denying it’s true
I see the gaps in between the lines
That’s hiding a part of you
Though you swam away to a foreign shore
And swore me off for good
I love you as much as the day that you left
And a million times more than I should
So if you feel alight on a cloud that is stormy
I’ll blow a breath that will bring you here
And just for a moment in the depths of the silence
You will be okay my dear
And I know that your chains are not man made
Are no shackles I can undo
But I thought you should know, though I never said
That I feel something akin to you
That sometimes in the midnight of my reprieve
I quietly surrender
To all of the fears that hang round the edges
Of the past that I can remember
And I do a double take or take a second hop
At the nostalgia in my bones
And what you cannot fix as the feeling sticks
Is that you are never alone
So quietly softly with mercenary zeal
I pave my way back into your life
If only to be, though you cannot see
Doing what I did before twice
And palm off the shrugs of everyone else
Of the crowd that surrounds
Though you don’t believe in all that I grieve
Things are better when you’re around
And monsters may come to fight your soul
On the back of your very own strength
But wherever you go and whatever you do
Just know that I said what I meant
And do not retract ne’er a line
About all that is made to stay
Though bodies may fade like a will of the wisp
My love is not going away
But born to be here as an expression
Of resident divinity
And the chasm was calling deep within
On the day that you met me
It was not mere coincidence
Or a chance encounter
It was the confluence of a million points
Of reference and order
Plotted out by galaxies
Long before our skin made blood
So don’t look away when I’m taking to you
I still stand the ground I stood
Cause held inside what you cannot see
And perceive only as black
Is the inner peace you’ve been looking for
Where you can sit back
Deep into the armchair
Of an emptiness most profound
Am I the one who sings the song
Or the one who hears the sound
Or even more imperceptible
The awareness whereby
All of life consents to grow
And in which it will die
So everglading honestly
Deep into your eyes
I know that you were made for me
And there are no goodbyes
Ever to be spoken
Between the two of us
Because we are one soul made flesh
And the heart of life is love
And all that you suffer
Is shadowed in my gait
We are but two sides of a coin
In its material state
Seemingly opposite
But of the one design
Though I could not save you from yourself
It wasn’t for lack of trying
Because I’m ever as you are
The one conscious sentience
I thought I had lost you
There was nothing when you went
And understandingly
Ungainly clambering
I sought to reach a sky
By climbing a shoestring
But celestial heights
Are not meant to be obtained
Just because I see the stars
Doesn’t mean they are contained
But inversely are embedded
In a fabric that extends
Though there is an irretrievable edge
Where even space ends
And the continuum is revealed
As no more than illusion
Perpetrated innocently
In the midst of our confusion
Like the way a light cannot
Cease to be itself
Or shine it’s radiance
Into the void I felt
So I can communicate
Or somehow convey
The breath and the depth
Of the things I do not say
And what was bequeathed
In the forests of reserve
Is that we were chosen
To burn the fires we serve
And be consumed
By all our misery
It takes pressure to make pearls
Out of rocks in the sea
And to forge diamonds
In mountainous shrouds
I pledged my life to you
Though I never said the words aloud
But river beds will tell
The story the sky forgets
An oak is standing over
The acorn that you set

Surgery

It’s easier to just tell a lie
Than to disrupt you with the truth
Because you could never handle
The tremors that take root
And maybe it’s cause you notice
I’m not attached to this place
And I could as well let go
As look into your face
And I know you want to hold me
As I dangle precipice
But you don’t need to seek my fortune
As the source of your distress
Because we all hopscotch
Along the lines and the cracks
But just because you read the future
Doesn’t mean you can get it back
Or direct the wind
As it passes through your sails
And turns into the past
As your body fails
As all are due to do
Precluding interruption
By unseasonable forces
Or a dormant life eruption
But if it’s good enough for him
Then I do not complain
And what binds me to this place
Is just light playing on my name
And distracting eyes
From the obviously true
Cause if I’m mortally wounded
Then it follows so are you
And all that you strive for
To protect and attain
Won’t stay up in the clouds
But falls to earth as rain
And you can’t command the weather
Or unblue the sky
So don’t fear it when I speak
About what is born to die 

Photo Credit: http://pin.it/BhkRzez

Love, X

Don’t call me a crazy female just cause I sing the blues
I’m entitled to my feeling as you are to your truth
And all your words and actions just do not negate
The fact that I love you interspersed with the hate
And though I may be wild and inconvenient to host
You don’t have to treat me as if I am a ghost
As you look straight through as though you never saw me there
I know you have a heart so don’t pretend you do not care
And relegate my cause to the long lost ceaseless pile
Just cause I stood in your shoes but declined to walk a mile
I am not the stereotype of an ex who just won’t let go
That is a little sexist though I won’t claim to know 
Why you always had a disdain for the other half
So you tried to make them smile, you tried to make them laugh
You tried to make them fall so they could not right themselves
And when you were done you left them on the shelf
To waste and wear away until they were nothing at all
Though I had to say I enjoyed my free fall
Down into the darkness, the emptiness of the void
I won’t pretend you’re the cause of what makes me annoyed
That you did not reach out when I was hanging on that cliff
And I just keep on going and back and saying what if
But all explainations fail and considerations die
When I look into the pupil in the centre of your eye
And find myself adrift like so many years ago
When you met me as a girl, the girl you say you do not know
And yes it hit the mark, did it hurt to deny
That we collided interscope, say the truth now, do not lie
That we once in a lifetimed upon the green grass
As you stood and stared at me and what I thought to ask
Such a preposterous question and so handsomely obvious
That you were the decider and where I placed my trust
But years have gone by and I have not seen your face
You never were the hero that rode out to lay waste
You just sat inside and cried about love long gone
You didn’t care about the someone that you kept on
You didn’t care about the promises you made to me that day
About how you looked me in the face and did not go away
And how I waited on your figure to statue all my dreams
But that was just the prelude to my long lasting private screams
That I howled in the night time on my bedroom floor
In a city far away behind a closed door
And I clutched at my insides cause I felt them coming out
And tried my best to keep silent cause I did not want to shout
About the enemies who had closed in on my life
And decided in that cage that I didn’t get another light
And subtle was the meaning and subtle was the voice
It was many years before I saw there was a choice
That there was another way, a way out of the pain
And just because you’re under clouds doesn’t mean you feel the rain
So here I stand before you and I repeat what’s ever true
That though my body will die I am not leaving you
And I will descend to the very depths
If that’s what it takes to pull you up those steps
To walk you to the door though you in the end refuse
And I’m left to perish slowly from the burning of a fuse
And there the gates of heaven lie meaningless without
Someone to hold my hand, the one it’s all about
So what do you expect, me to just go away
Again in all the cyanide where the demonds hold sway
But I stand here defiant and here I will roar
That I love you in the vacancy of a foreign shore
And I may never realise the place whereon I stand
But it was a miracle that I got to touch your hand
And hold you so close for a moment and for all
I think I was mistaken, there was never a wall
I just hit my own pride and held back what I knew
And now the time has come to pay you your due
In coins or in gold, I know you hold them in contempt
And I’ll always be the one that you resent
But here I pledge my life for yours and forever
I will seal it in blood to ensure my endeavour
And I will stand guard at the edges to soften the blow
Of the searing scars you don’t want to show
To hold and to comfort and to see you see your might
I knew that in that moment and I know now you’re alright
Whatever you say and the play you do cascade
I can see that you tremble, that you shake, that you’re afraid
And know I will not hurt you and my alliegence is true
All is nothing to me honey and there is only you
So to hell with all the anger and the sorcery
I am here to tell you now that it’s possible to be free
And just to breathe in air when you think that you are done
And when you’ve lost it all you see that you have won
And ever could forgive the place where you fell
It wasn’t only you, it was me aswell

Imperfect Separation

Just cause you’re young doesn’t shield you from death
It’s just a horizon you have not seen yet
And all the green grass eventually fades
There’s no guarantee of what will come with age
As they write us off as superfluously small
I don’t think they realise at all
That you can’t capture in a frame the picture generation
And it’s just insurance against our disintegration
Trying to grasp what we cannot make stay
I only want a reminder of you this way
As you are caught in the perfect suspension
Between laughter and the unspoken tension
That rests behind when you look at me
Cause you can’t capture the mystery
That propels us both down different paths
But I’ve broken the glass and I can’t go back
And we can only touch hand to hand
Separated by what we cannot understand
Is love enough to quench the flame
That longs for what I cannot name

Lashings

It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation 
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore

The Monumental Fire

I guess I just got caught in a monumental fire
One that burns me up and never seems to tire
Of eroding me right down to my core
I look to you for help and you tell me I need more
And I guess that you were scared of what I had to offer
Cause it threatened all you had and you needed something softer
But sorry I am made of magnetic steel
And there is no tempering how I feel
Like an ocean, like the sea, like an iceberg standing lone
I always seem to be missing my quintessential home
And I just thought you had it cause when I fell into your arms
You quieted my thoughts and silenced my alarms
And I felt a strange sort of peace descend on my soul
Like I had found the one thing I depend on to be whole
And how you matched my heart with your delicately so
I would have given all I had if you didn’t have to go
And leave me to depart on some far flung trek
I would have walked out on a wire and risked my neck
But to hear you deny me like I never even existed
Took more strength than I owned to have resisted
Crying out for the other half of who I am
And praying that you would understand
But your gaze turned icy cold
And I could see my entitlement in the way I started to fold
And break like that and come apart at the seams
I had always believed in the reality of dreams
And that what was foretold would come to pass
And that one time only love could do nothing but last
But the chains encroached and wrapped around like vines
And I couldn’t speak when you declared you were not mine
But belonged to another and were bonded at the core
When you know it is impossible you only want it more
But I let the full weight of it break my wooden frame
As I conceded to myself I was in love with a name
That stood for a symbol that I was longing to be
What I loved about you is you accepted me
With no conditions and no rules, no, just as I am
So when I shattered the stone I thought you would understand
But it seems there’s only so much you can take
And I will never speak to you again for your own sake
So go live your own life full of happiness and wonder
And I’ll remember how you moved my earth with your rolling thunder
How you cascaded rain down the panes of my vision
And how you hit me in the heart ruthlessly and with precision
And how you struck me on the spot and made me to be
The living embodiment of my own destiny

I’ll Love You

And I will continue to love you
Through the walls of my reverie
I don’t think you have any idea
Of the world you mean to me
You are just like the sky
Or the ocean to spread out a sea
And that look in your eyes
Smacks of infinity
And I just do not care
Where you go in your life
With whom, what you do,
If you love, take a wife
I’ll always be here by the shore
And you the one I adore
It’s not even just who you are
How can the darkness know a star
We are one you see
Before there even was a sun to be
And you’ll outshine the ages with your eternal face
It’s not what can be seen but what’s under this place
And I’ll love you
Yes I’ll love you
Like I love you now
No distance and time
Separates what’s entwined
I’ll love you

A Golden Cage

Do you expect me to thank you for my golden cage
It’s like a book asking a pencil if it could turn the page
And all of these bars make the heart inside me rage
Don’t think that I am playing or that this is just a stage
Cause I was born to be free and to speak the truth
To hold the burning of a fire that was born in my youth
And every day’s an episode of how to handle myself
But you could not give me money to compare to this wealth
Cause I am unbound and hurricane through all their just ideals
There is no limit to my madness or to the heart that feels
And however you may try there is no way to contain
The depth of this emotion or the searing of the pain
Cause it is meant to be lived through and to be understood
Not hidden in the darkness or swept under the rug
In the fountain of denial or the rivers of the mist
I will not be quiet or give in to just subsist

Love and Stars

Love is the power that fuels all my doing
And you are the beautiful that I am pursuing
Cause there really is no end to what is eternal real
And there are hearts that you just cannot steal
As you thread the vine once more with rope that is so sweet
And I stay by your side because I just can’t stand the heat
Of moving once inch away from your skin
You are the power that I am within
And we will never be anything but what we are
We are born from the ocean and our soul sits in a star

Tapestry

A beautiful design weaves its way around my soul
And there are nights inside when I decry the whole
In favour of the incomplete that rocks me back to sleep
And I’ve learned that there are promises that I just cannot keep
So I try to look to you as if you know the way
But you are full of the unspoken that you do not say
As I wait in lines of undefined for something to be real
It is a mystery of darkness the tapestry I feel

The Soul

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The universe is trying to get through to you
So don’t wipe away the innocence and give pain its due
Cause there is a reason for everything under the sun
And there really is no telling where anything is begun
Cause it is all cause and effect, an experimental design
And the fabric of the cosmos is neither yours nor mine
So live your life in truth, in alignment with the whole
Cause there is nothing else that satisfies the soul

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/206673070378676909/

A Battle That You Won

You sowed a seed inside my heart
That no army can storm
Though they can try
To build bridges and bloody defences
Over the tides
Of us
That wash away
The sticks and stones
In their riverbeds

And the monsters
Oh, the monsters
That come at night
And try to scare the darkness
With their fear
But I have no trouble
Because I have you

So say what you wish in the sweetest of tones
Though it is all the same
You are the dawning of the day
And so it will be
For all of eternity
A beautiful light
Born of your soul
And myth
And legend
Only serve as precursors
To your glory

As all the wrath
Comes resting on my head
To terrify
But nil
It is but noise
And insignificance
Among the din
And silence
Reigns

At His Feet

I don’t want help, I just want to express
The feelings inside, my perennial distress
And I don’t want sad looks from any of you
Not doing this for pity, that’s not what I would do
It’s just that I’m proud of the strongest of me
That came from the darkness of what I came to be
And the night closed in on me with a march from the source
It was rough and unkind, the epitome of course
And I found silvered light or maybe you could say gold
And a kind of immortal that will never grow old
And it lit up my life and shone so very bright
That I knew in that moment that I would be alright
And I just want to share the vestiges of pain
And that there is sunlight under the rain
And that there is earth under pavements complete
That there is a God and I fall at his feet

Born and Raised

imageWhen words are just not enough to explain the hurt you feel
And you try to cope, as the saying goes, but you just cannot deal
When spider legs entwine and trap you in their cages
You spew it out on paper, on magnificent pages
Cause expression is the key to understand your mind
And when you have stopped the noise you can leave it all behind
Cause forever’s in a moment that never will defer
There will finally come a time
when you realise what it all was for
And the revolution will be complete as all the lies dawn Truth
It would be an understatement to say I had a tumultuous youth
But all the beauty and the conflagration is a white fire blaze
I guess that you could say I took all these years to raise

Photo Credit: The Work of Byron Katie – Facebook

All of Me

There’s a void no ocean can quell
There’s an emptiness nothing can quiet
There’s a silence deep in the darkness
And I just want to try it
Because all of the nights of these days
Comes down to the end of the line
And when it comes to the edge of the road
I just am not fine
Because it all just is a facade
All just an elaborate ruse
All just a dance done out into space
Because I’ve something to prove
So don’t tell me to keep my voice down
Just because it isn’t PC
You must take the good along with the bad
You promised to have all of me

Born to Be

Could I stand up and be an example for the world
Could I just let my power be unfurled
And could all my secrets be thrown to the wind
As I stand in the light and say that I have sinned
Could I stand for the darkness as well as the light
And say I know you’re sad but it is alright
And say I’ve been there too and walked a fine line
But it isn’t terrible to say that you need time
And however and whensoever you choose to break the seal
I didn’t know it at the time but I think I cut a deal
To be one and one with God and honesty complete
I only seem to be happy when I’m kneeling at His feet
And ever that he asks me is thus to be carried out
I relearn every day just what I am about
And why is it so hard just to let it all fly free
I think this earth is waiting for what I was born to be

Titanic

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An emotion that rises from the bowl of my heart
Blue round the edges, midnight from the start
It grows up like waves and encircles me whole
Submerged by its weight in an ocean of coal
In a river titanic that’s growing in size
Bearing down quick and destroying my lies
More hell than heaven, harbinger of doom
The death of us all coming in soon
Fading in a moment, all the people I love
The strength of this sunk like a dove
Close my eyes, my pupils turn in
To meet dark with dark and see what it brings
I can’t bear anymore to watch people leave
My heart shredded up as it hangs on my sleeve
No words of kindness, no enveloping hugs
Stems a current that burgeons out plugs
Any attempts that I make fall flat on their face
As I hold back air like I’m losing a race
Futility complete as I reflect my own eyes
To feel it all fall the point of my life

I’m not of this place, could not be my home
When I was born to love those that are gone
True to the feeling that beats in my soul
Feel it on my lips as it swallows me whole
Drop into sunshine, drop away from the tears
Know I’ve been alive for millions of years
Those not around are a dew drop away
Feel them touch my skin when I just let it lay
Closer in absence than they ever have been
A taste of a world that I’ve never seen

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/206673070378676877/

Darkness and Peace

The love of my life, did I ever think it could be
In the moment we met did I know he’s for me
Cacophonies and dreams all spiralled in one
With an inky black core, in the dark he’s begun
He smiles. Eyes with the sun, mouth with the wind
So he’s lit up and free in the second he grinned
Like the foot of a mountain with snow on the top
Gods hand in the clouds or his curly brown mop
Reverence and awe shine in my hands
As I hold up to him my bare open palms
I’m nothing in this, grassy fields by his side
The air ripples through and my breathing gets light
To do justice to him and honour him whole
Fills up my mind and takes root in my soul
I start for a second and trip over my toe
Because I’m shocked by the feeling he’s where I’m to go
The spirit in him is all I can feel
So light and so pure, nothing I can steal
I’m held for a second in this dazzling white light
And when we move closer respect burns me bright
I nod my head here as his words tumble out
I smile at his face when his eyes fill with doubt
He listens when I talk even though I’m a fool
And the way that he smirks makes me feel like I’m cool
He understands everyone, each knock at his door
Doesn’t turn away beggars or start to ignore
Compassion beats fast in the heart in his chest
As he buys us all crisps, one for me and the rest
He makes his own day from the things that he does
Wakes up devotion in the people he loves
A man like this, to meet on my walk
Close my eyes for a second and God starts to talk
To bring him to me and let me touch his hand
Is far more horizons than I ever had planned
Whisper invisible alights on my cheek
It says go to him, give him all you seek
In dark days of silence, wrap blankets and tea
When he gets lost follow him to the sea
I’m burning inside to be a hug for his arms
A sink soft armchair to be there if he’s harmed
What can I do? I’m lost in this maze
But a home for his head leaves me unfazed
Dewdrops and silence fall in our tears
Stillness and warmth in the drop away years
Embracing and full in the care of above
All of this world born in His love

Rain

It’s ok to fear the darkness, it’s something we all feel
And it may take some time for the scars to truly heal
And though they may torment you as you turn in bed at night
I have seen the stars and it will be alright
There is a forever where horizons never reach
And there is a together where you’re standing on the beach
And there is a demise to all the hate and pain
There is always sunlight just beyond the rain
So don’t hide your face my child as you lie there alone
There is a God of sorts and he will take you home
And he is not all thunder and all harrowing might
He is the thing inside that sets your heart alight

By The Heart

You rushed along the water’s edge to greet me at the shore
And when I looked into your eyes I couldn’t wish for anything more
But there was a hidden darkness, that was swirling at the edges
And we turned to just the silt and sand that the river dredges
And I never could compassionate the love you gave to me
It’s just you opened up my heart and made my eyes to see
And now I cannot give back what has been revealed at will
All I know is a simple quiet that’s there when I am still
And I hope each day you find the same in what you make of life
If it was up to me then I would meet you twice
But as for now our destinies have us spiraling apart
But know if you’re ever filled with doubt, you have me by the heart

The Dark and the Light

The darkness rolls in past the windows and doors
It doesn’t care about walls, it doesn’t care about floors
It just spills itself on out of my heart
And its been this way from the very start
As it pierces reveries that were born at my core
But it somehow always leaves me wanting more
Like the light in my soul that will never go out
As it told me deeply what I’m all about
And I never will know or comprehend
That heaven sent gift that will never end
As promises made to be broken and bruised
Just show up as dreams that were never used
And have me down in gratitude and down in prayer
For a power and God I never knew was there

Facing the Dark

If I want to write you, I’ll have to write death
Because that is where you hide
It is where our lines intertwine
On the edge of permanence
On the edge of the unknowable
We never were simply lovers
Or starcrossed friends across the sky
We met at the close of day
And as the night draws in
I feel you near
As you sit somewhere
Under the same inevitability
With a beaming light to guide you
And thousands more to illuminate your world
Yes if I want to write you
I have to face the dark within myself
It is not bad
Only absolute

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