Tag: anxiety

The Fluctuation

.Reading time 1 minute.
The fluctuation hit me like a ton of bricks 
And now I am in bits 
As she sails to another sea
Never knowing the weather she visited on me
And it’s like a plume
You can tell it’s been in the room
Because there is a fume
That wafts
And you could say she’s daft
But it’s more than that
She’s caught in a wave she can’t take back
As she bullets into the sky
And I wonder if I would’ve died
If I’d met her on the road
Because she never slowed
In her speech 
And she is out of reach
As I extend 
The part of me that would mend
A sensory organ
But I can’t get a word in
As it rocks us back and forth
And the worst part of a divorce
Is you never see that person again
Not in the same way, not women and men
I wish her well
Because I know the hell
She is living in
I also know that I cannot win
When that’s in control
God bless her and ease her soul
As it beats against the cage it’s kept in
I wonder does she know Him
In her darkest day
All the same I wouldn’t want to get in her way
When she’s on the wrong side of the beach
I think it’s the lesson she came to teach

Image Credit: https://pin.it/6WVqRh5zz

The Agony Of Being Pure At Heart

.Reading time 2 minutes.
She brushed past me like I meant nothing at all
To her and I stare at the wall
Something has erected between us
Have we wrecked it or did we dream it
And she is ethereal and she is true
But dare I spill my heart to you
Because I can see all your flaws
And the places where the sun thaws
All your ice into fluid water 
And no daughter 
Is exactly like what has come before 
I open the door
And you’re still behind it
I know I’m aloof but I wouldn’t mind it
It’s just a detachment I cultivate
So no one can read my state 
And who I am 
Just dropped outside the plan 
When I was fourteen years old
And wouldn’t do what I was told
I collapsed on the floor
And an open door
Let me out of the dark
And yet I still bear the mark 
Of those two months in depression
It is my ardent confession 
That it was for love of loss
That I took up my cross
And walked with it to Calvary 
I know he didn’t mean to startle me
When he just saw my truth
And I may have been a youth
But I am also ancient, old 
Must I wait until the story is told
To reveal the core
Beyond all the “I love you more”
I just want him to know exactly who I am 
And Kilglass may never win Sam 
But I give my heart and soul to the team 
In the years I’d build a dream 
Til a voice on the sideline 
Puts me on for a minute of time
And the embarrassment colours my skin 
Like talking on the phone to him 
When he pulls the rug I shared out from under me
And if he’s setting me free
I’m gonna fly away
Not wait around for what he’s gonna say 
About my season 
If women are love and men are reason 
Give me compassion any day
And let the rest just fade away

Image Credit: https://pin.it/42pSygskE

Burning Love

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
All these people who kill my vibe 
Does death even know that I’m alive
And they stuck a knife in me from the back
I really wasn’t ready for the attack
From my nearest and dearest and friends who are foes
And it’s all rebel business and anything goes 
As we arm up for a showdown 
But I’m short on food so I’ll head into town
And sweat bullets down the aisle
Cue me on time to smile
When the moment requires
Do you see all these grapevine fires
Lighting me up
It kinda caught on, this burning love

Issues

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The pain reverberates around the inner wall of my sanctum
All is lost and I never thanked him
For who he was to me
They say that death is to be set free
But chains encircle and the vice, it grips
Some people escape by going on head trips
I sit in the suffer 
Coz I know you loved her
In your short time here
Your golden hair and fiery heart, my dear
Will never go to waste 
I stay chaste
And good and clean
But I only meet you in a dream
Til he walks on the scene 
And everything I love is in full colour 
The Now is here and the past is duller
But the car crash of us mimics the cry
Of the moment I learned that you die
Grasping, clawing, trying to hold on
But you are already gone
And memory
Seems to be 
The only thing you have left me 
As the vultures circle looking for some chew 
While I’m on the grass just talking to you
And he was a symbol of salvation, I held him tight
But he’s emptiness in the night
Always a little too far away
With a little too much to say
About me and you, he and I
And I’m not gonna lie
I tried to make that plaster fit
He just thinks I am a little bitch
Affection and playful but it’s not enough
I’m looking for Eternal Love
To bridge the gap
Because Death leaves behind no map
And the scrap of what I can remember 
Of the years of knowing you
Is scrawled in a diary I put pen to
But it doesn’t bring you back, I chew the cap
What if I have another relapse
And end up in the psych ward again
Because reality is not my friend
So I take refuge in fables
Keep up if you’re able
It’s a litany
Of all the liars I never got to be 
And somewhere in the sunshine I see you again
You set the gold standard of men
And you were there that year in 2007
In the blue camp and I, eleven,
In love with with your name
Life will never, ever be the same
With you gone, now there’s no one to squeeze my hand 
And smile like everything is grand 
And fun and neat
Next door neighbours, next time we meet
Will be an eon hence
My Love is never in the past tense

Fliuch Báite

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Deliver all these notes into the hands of my older self 
I don’t know who could take from them anything else
And am I just hoarding trinkets 
Blink it’s 
Gone 
And I never said so long 
But you belong 
By my side
As the grey hairs encroach
On what I love the most
And, time, it is a fickle thing
And Aoibhín said I had a broken wing
In Dean Swift in St. Pat’s
They must have been wondering what I was at
Stalking the halls like a hungry ghost
In the shape of what I love the most
And it is coast to coast
But the shackles just fall
And I drew an eye on the wall
Coz I felt it watching me 
Shared a part of my history
I was back a year later and they hadn’t ruined 
The information that just came too soon
Til a woman took a pen
And wrote words over it again and again
So they painted the colour and the mess
A shade of brown but I digress
From what I’m saying here
It’s just I feel you near
When I’m locked in a cell
By those who wish me well
And they click a pen
Write the error down again
And I can’t seem to explain
That when the sky cracked into the rain
The pane of glass came falling down
Into sheets on the ground 
And I was soaked through and through
Fliuch and staring up at you
As I scream unto the sky
Please don’t let me die
Until I make destiny mine
And I will go through it, it’s fine
As all and sundry move away
Leave me to fall into what they say
And the meanings true
I reach out but there’s no you

Great Big Ocean

.Reading time 1 minute.
I thought the great big ocean would find me
But it’s always been just the tide
Counting the beats of my step 
To the heart that keeps me alive
And the summers in the city
Where I counted my blessing
He asked me if I was serious
I said shur I’m only messing
And the wild within me got unlocked
Like a fabled Pandora’s box
All the crucible to fly
Is to live to know how to die
Coz we’re born with these bodies 
We don’t know how to use
Then we get attached
To something we lose
And every breath is a tear
With a fragrance of flower
But people are reckless 
When they have power
And moan and shine and wither and break
Then tell you they do it for your sake
But it could never tally up
Not when you call it love
And I had a bite of the unconditional 
Now I move and walk and it’s not volitional 
Coz she spilt the beans on me
Now every secret’s flying free
And a demolishment has been rendered
In the space my hope engendered 
It cascaded tears
Now I measure the war in years
That I’ve been through
And I blame you
For all the absent meanders 
I don’t have all the answers
But can I learn to be a little less jaded
The pain’s the same but the scars have faded
And I only give leave for a moment to be
The epitome of running free

Things Like That

.Reading time 1 minute.
There were times I thought; 
Things like that only happen in America
But now an Irish flag is flying
On hills I don’t agree with
Declaring the ruination of all that used to be
And how it was empty and vapid
Relentless in its desire to control all of us
I look at the clock again
It’s half past six
But time is moving and never sticks
To the floor like the day I heard
And you could shoot every single bird
I wouldn’t notice
Coz you’re gone
The only place that I belong
Standing by your side
Now I hear your name and I run and hide
Because it brings up convulsions I cannot repair
One minute you’re standing there
The next air
That I breathe in
And even thoughts of him
Can’t take away the ashes of my loneliness
Written in biro like an address
As I scribble my name
I love you so I won’t be the same
But are the hackles drawn on my wilderness
That I would ever confess
A taut string like grief
And my belief
Is to hide it from everyone
Shine like I’m the fucking sun
Collapsing in on itself
A black hole to eat the life that is its wealth
And welcome any stragglers into its dusky fold
I’m getting old
You can measure it by how you perceive the years
They move so fast there’s no time for tears
Coz the ebbing will flow
And what came down must let go
Of its hold on this misty night
Is it okay if I am alright?

The Suspense Novel

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I feel the fear pulse inside
Oh, the terror of being alive
And I try to talk with my anxiety 
It seems it’s getting the best of me
As I shiver and shake
Then the earth quake
Bringing monuments to the ground
With a tremulous sound 
But the peace knows how to ache
Until I love it for its own sake
And the reason why seems to elude me
It’s like it has to prove me
Wrong or right
But I can’t sleep at night
For thinking of him
And the heart has to win
No matter how it seems to be
Could it mean the world to me
Swimming in oceans in between 
And if this is just a dream
Then why does it hurt so much
And maybe I’m out of luck
To be adverse with an advanced decider
I never thought you would hide her
Away from seeing eyes
To be the moment love despise
In a sudden realization
I flip the switch and change the station
To get my mind off of you
But it only makes me want to
Clasp your hand in mine
And I’ve been alone all this time
Coz I can’t bear to think of another fella
I’ve never been the type to call you yella 
But why did you not tell me how you feel
Why did you try to cut a deal
And hold it tight with skin and bone
But you look like I could make a home
With you where we were
And I don’t know what for
But I feel the need to profess
Everything I wouldn’t confess
Way back when
Could you ask me that question again?

Unparliamentary Language

.Reading time 1 minute.
I withdraw my accusation 
Since I’ve lived my realisation 
And see that the fault is not with you
It’s with the pain you put me through
As I resist and you agree
That everything troubled comes over the sea
In washes and waves at the Cliffs of Moher
And you swore you did not know her
Til I saw your hands interlocked 
On a screen in between where the birds had flocked
To get their share
Of bread and water, now I’m in your stare
As you love her more than you loved me
Why did I not let myself just see
As I hid on paper
And you promised them that you hate her
Well, that her is me
And I’m not gonna try to make you see
Infinity
Unless you already do
And I felt the ocean move
When you touched my hand
And met eyes that understand
To leave you free
I’m glad you picked her over me

The Generalised Anxiety

.Reading time 1 minute.
Something must be wrong
Because people are being nice
And things are going my way
And everything’s alright
And I’ve got this dread 
That just sits in my gut
It’s like running thread
Where you place your foot
As you foretell the future
With a negative slant
They say anxiety
Is born from what you can’t 
Bear to consider
As time is passing by
I try to catch the air
But it just seems to fly
Out from my fingers
Away from my grasp
Is there anything on earth
That was built to last
Coz everywhere I look
Somethings fading away
Even the sun
Has only billions of years to stay
And everything on earth
Though it grows and it’s green
Will one day disappear
Out of the realm of the seen
So I’m shaking as I’m taking
Each breath that I unknot
They say I’m seeing sideways
But I think that they forgot
That everything’s an ocean
When you feel you’ve got to swim
And if there is no storm
Then where do I begin
To tell the story of the tide
As it moves to the beat
I think I’m finding ground
Where I can stand my feet
And it’s making me nervous
To feel so damn good
I’m so used to being nervous
And lost in the wood
And if there’s any shelter
That I find inside
I’ll let you know the meaning
Of the daydream that I hide
I’ll let you know the shortcut
Back to where there’s peace
Where the winds have quieted down
To my own relief

The Social Anxiety

.Reading time 1 minute.
The feeling of panic when I’m talking to people
I’m much more at home under a steeple
Praying to God for all that could be 
But I’m so far from normal and I think they can see
And is it just ego to say I’m afraid
That I spend the whole day in the shade
Just to avoid what I’m speaking of
I refract diamonds and call it love
And do I just make small what’s colossal inside
Run away from eyes and hide
Until someone finds me behind the curtain
I’m sorry for weakness and all the hurting
I’m sorry for being unusually proud
Defiant and brave as I say it out loud
That it’s okay and I see you too
I want everyone to know it so that they see through
The veneer of strong that I put off
We are one people and all is not lost
And everyone’s got something that they keep secret
But I’m gonna tell it instead of keep it
Like a story that’s been too long in the dark
A tree whose leaves are as bright as its bark
Even in the winter snow
I love a lot so I let it all go


Photo by Bernardo Artus on Unsplash.com

This Winter

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

The feeling of panic

Knarls in my stomach

Maybe this is too much to be

Maybe there’s so much yet to see

But the aching roars

And the spirit soars

To become an avalanche

Of my own making

And I count every one

Of the breaths I’m taking

In case I misplace one

Amidst the snow

The winter has gone on

For so long, you know