There’s something about an African smile
The way it lights up a scene 
And I dream
Of a happiness like that
It’s in a childhood I can’t get back
Where everything was wild and free
And the Irish just pulsed in me
The daughter of a frozen land 
Starved by people that don’t understand 
And now I’m standing on dusty sand 
Craving the futility of a man 
As people in a foreign continent 
Die because the abundance went
Somewhere with the flow of water 
It’s the soul of the season and they think they bought her 
With their pails of wooden from the well
But we’re all burning up like hell
And does salvation lie
In a spirit that does not die 
And I see it when I look in your eye
Could the secret be 
In a heart that’s been set free

He’s all nuts and bolts 
But he don’t follow through
That’s how I know
He’s been talking to you
With the arrogant spin
He puts on his words
Like they’re the best thing
You never heard
And she’s spinning diagrams 
Infinity
But she never saw him
Looking at me
As I play the chords
To a perfect hue
Don’t do it to him
If he don’t do it to you 

It doesn’t have to just be with him
The doors are open and I let in 
The caverns of my monstrous youth
When someone dies and I need proof
To believe in a coming of days
But I am down with whatever he says
For a moment or two, at least
Then he uncages the holy beast
That bangs off walls in its cell
Does he know he sent me back to hell

She told me it was jealousy
And I couldn’t let anyone see
But I’m on tenderhooks 
And I find my refuge in books 
That take me away from the land of death
Into pride, bravery and no regret
As magicians cast a spell 
Of wilderness on human will
And she would cut away at me by degree
Is it wrong to let the pain go free
As I sit by her side in mathematics 
But her words are jagged 
And designed to hurt
I don’t know which is worse
That she tries or that I let her
Take me down from where I confer 
My ancient soul to the riverbed 
But it’s nine o’ clock and a loved one is dead
And I have no time for your shit
In room nineteen
I remember it as clearly as a dream
Sunk in the mists of time
What was my crime 
Shining my truth
Like a shield that makes me bulletproof 
And I try to hide that light
Coz it makes you insecure, alright
But the pain of suppression
Elicits a confession
To the one I love the most
She haunts these halls like she’s a ghost 
And I can’t seem to convey
The growing fear, the dismay
Til it hits me like a steam train rolling
Which part of my virtue are you trolling
Til I’ve nothing left to rely upon
Except the memory of that which is gone
As, black eyed, I walk across my room
Falling into an abyss of doom
But don’t let her see
Don’t let anyone into me
Til I’m at breaking point and the final straw
Comes when the Great Thaw
Reaches the perimeter of my field 
And something in me just yield 
To this great power
As the girl in the ivory tower
Lets you go 
I’m a Child Of Christ, in case you didn’t know 

The story of the villain
Is there an absolute evil
And do you labour under that yoke
I got mad at you because I broke 
Into a million pieces on the floor
As someone I adore 
Tells me she can’t relate to me
And there’s no point trying to make her see
And we fight at the end of Irish class
And Doireann makes her exit as I ask
Her to stand up to my foe
But she just looks away and lets me go
And everything turned a table on me
But if I hadn’t shattered I wouldn’t see
The great ocean that rose to meet
Me in the land of defeat
And forgiveness came like a sharp slap of water 
And the bodies on the border
Have no choice but to accept
The trauma at the hands of reject
What side of history will I be on
When the years of my life are gone
Did I just do naught 
As we are all caught
In a value chain
That inflicts pain
On the weary and the farmer 
They get riled up and then they arm her
With feminism or political dispute
But what is the root
Of the problem of being human
People act like they know what they’re doing
When it’s like a great wind to act
Once you breathe you can’t take it back

Can you love without attachment
I can feel the cords burn
Isn’t my time to take a turn
About the room and say
I love you, I hope you know, okay
Coz it all ends in death
And the greatest regret
In this life
Is that you’d settle for being a wife
And give up your liberation
For a man at the train station
With eyes like gold
But are you sold 
And is freedom constrained 
To open arms when it rained 
Down on me
And eternity 
Kissed my soul
You will never, ever grow old
Though the time to depart this earthly realm
Will come and like the helm 
Of a great ship
You must be prepared to make your first trip
Across the water
Has sin caught her 
Or does she rise above
Peace, as symbolised by a white dove

***Trigger Warning***
A critical look at imperialism as it pertains to the country I grew up in - Ireland. It is not meant as an attack, just a look at attitudes and feelings that exist in the wake of colonialism, even years after the events took place. I touch on famine and war and how the reaction to that is anger towards the occupying force. This is meant to be an exposition of emotion and the often suppressed pain that is felt by both the people of the land in question and the outside force that attempts to take over. Growing up it was clear to me that there is a lot of unacknowledged generational pain in the psyche of the Irish and how, by bringing this trauma into conscious awareness, we can transmute it and become bringers of peace and acceptance to our own lives and the lives of all we touch upon. 

I talk about the Great Thaw which I feel is happening now, in the collective unconscious of the human race. Old patterns are coming up to be recognised and met with awareness. In that we can release ancient pain that has lived in our minds and bodies for millennia. The history of humanity has been replete with violence. War has been endemic. I feel we are entering a new phase of our development where we can evolve beyond war and hatred and come to see our shared humanity in what was previously an “enemy”.

In doing this I look to my own mind and the biases and conflict inherent in it. I present this poem as evidence of all that remains to be healed in the context of the relationship between the Irish and British, a relationship fraught with tension and pain.
-———————————————————-

“The English are bastards”
So the thought form goes 
They’ve battered the coast
With too many blows 
As the indigenous people
Barely survive 
They call us the “natives”
And dominion thrives 
In the land across the Irish Sea
And it wasn’t as though it was done to me 
But generations ago an early grave 
Roads to nowhere as though they could save
The peasants from the lowly tread
Between laziness and ending up dead
Coz the economy, now the IMF
Falls upon ears that are deaf
As they urge austerity
And who we used to be 
Comes springing to the fore 
Are we becoming who we were before
Victims to an imperial race 
They way they do it, it’s a damn disgrace
Now buildings are burning in China and Asia 
You talk about value like it doesn’t phase ya
As Western Civilisation rises 
On the back of others and it disguises
Its thinly veiled attempt
On the place where dignity went
Askew
And I’m talking to you
The top dog
As people work turf on the peat bog
Can you see through the fog
That hazes our vision 
And are all attempts just derision 
In an empty grave 
Must we all be somebody’s slave 
Or can we forgive 
Those who let live
On an ocean of pain
One thing we’re not lacking is skies of rain
And will it happen again
That old reign 
Of a country that just takes our grain 
When the people are starving
And I’m not for sparring 
Or getting even 
It’s just believing 
That the Queen can bow her head 
At our war dead 
In the Garden Of Remembrance
And all the disingenuousness
Fades away
A monarch, a symbol of sorry, okay
And we are just an island 
With its fair share of violence 
Embedded in its history
Pirates then subjects to inane victory
And Tuatha Dé Dannan
Not the sound of the cannon 
Firing on Liberty Hall
Is it just off the wall
To speak and expect it to be heard
If she sings will you listen to the bird 
Of woe and awe
I think we’re beginning the Great Thaw

She uttered the words in a fleeting instant
Not knowing how deep they cut
I hold the moment still but
I still feel the fall in the pit of my stomach
Am I just too much woman
For her to attract
It’s out in the open and she can’t take it back
Though I’m not sure she would 
Because it’s all for the greater good
Being honest and validating
Don’t ever keep the serpent waiting
For a bite
I don’t like that side of you, alright

I’m sorry but I’m out
I’m not laying in self doubt
And you run it up like a map
But I know what you’re at
Behind closed doors 
Wondering who loves you more 
And playing us off each other
Oh, man, what a brother 
And I ain’t here to smother
So I’m just gonna leave
Waiting for you to believe
In the web that I weave 
But I’m not out for a catch
So, if the door’s on the latch
Know that I’m not the perfect match
To your lyin’ cheatin’ ass
You think you have me? Then why’d you have to ask?

We built a little fort
Then suddenly it’s mission abort
And I’m glad you have a life
Livin’ it up with your wife
But you swore something to me
And you don’t see 
Why I pulled the cord
And silence you with a single word
Coz you can’t reply
And I’m sorry if you die 
But I can’t go on with the facade
It just feels too bad
And it was such a relief, that New Year’s
To be freed from the burden of your tears
As you lean on my back
I pull away and you attack
But it’ll fall on deaf ears 
And the pain, it sears
As I’m dancing in the club
Or wishing my life away in the bathtub
But I can’t bow my mighty mane
Just so I can share your name 
And she is cool and does the job
A duty I feared she would rob
From me 
Why can’t you see I’ve been set free
And I’m not feminist 
But did you know that I exist?

He said “nothing” and I dispute
What made you play the brute
But the sea is too storm
And a candle can only keep the world warm
If it’s lit in each heart
And our war tears us apart
As you turn cold 
So I scorch in the place I am bold 
And pull the plug on letting it lie 
All that’s born is gonna die 
And you try to catch but it’s a passing thing
So you savage my broken wing
In the moment I let you in 
If I’m not a masochist then why do I love him
Coz I can sense the violent anger 
Keeping the plane in the hanger 
And I try to protect myself 
But it just rejects my attempts
To distance the space
I dream of touching your face 
But her hands are all I can use 
To be safe from your abuse 
And yet near your heart
The balancing act is an art 
But it eventually falls flat
Because I’m not doing that
In this season
If we’re apart there is a reason

I love him 
And I didn’t want to let him in
Coz it means the wound has healed 
And the vacuum sealed 
Where the loss once was a dense pain
He wouldn’t want me to live in the rain
But the clouds in the sky
Mean I remember that you die 
And that when I wake 
It’s for your sake 
So I scream at David down the phone 
Just leave me a-f**kin’-lone
And shatter like glass on the floor
To hold something I adore 
In my hands 
Because the lands 
Always sweep a new dawn
Before you know it the summer’s gone
And a memory of winter is all you hold 
As you stare at empty fields of gold 
Where there once was a hand 
And the tears never understand 
The grief 
When belief 
Fails 
And the ship’s sails 
Lose wind 
Why do I have to love him
He’s temporary, flickering light
And the drought will kill me, alright
I need to find, to find the sea
But it has deserted me 
So, his arms wrap around 
Me sobbing and the sound 
Is music to his ears 
Open after all these years
“But I can’t have him back”
You didn’t leave my attack
As I succumb 
To the dream I had when I was young 
Of a man I could deserve 
Someone with nerve 
And he’s just quiet
As the riot
Silences the din
I lean into him
And let him see
He is eternity to me

Photo Credit

It was too late to save him
So I just gave him
A kiss and stuttered goodbye
Why do the people we love have to die
We made him a card
And life gets hard
I found it on top of the press 
A name but no address
And it stabbed me like a knife
Just my grandfather and his wife 
Growing old together
But the weather 
Always changes 
And rearranges
What you think you know
People triumph the letting go
But I hold on
Is he really gone
There’s a video somewhere of you catching my eye
I hold that memory close to the sky
Of my soul
The part of me that will not grow old 
And the devastation hits me like a wave
My futile facade crumbles and cave
As I sink to the floor 
Behind my bedroom door
With my head against the cool
Wall or the floor after school
What would people say
If they knew I was broken this way
But it’s my strength
Because what went
Away, could not be all
I feel it all fall
As I dry away tears
Now it has been twenty two years
And I’m still shattered inside
But the way that I hide
Is untwining the thread
I don’t wake up in bed 
To the sound of doom
It’s just me in the room
Daydreaming about a man
I wonder if I can
Touch the smoke before it fades
Dissipates in waves 
Taken by the sky
I’d love to know him before we die
But something’s forever
And it teaches me that no endeavour 
Is ever 
Wasted
Why did I taste it
If not to live
The reality of the God I forgive

He’s got that ninety’s vibe 
I catch it and I’m alive 
Wandering down your street
How in the hell did we meet
Coz when you push I pull away
When I cry you ask me to stay
And I pipe up and call you names 
You look at me and say it’s all games 
But I watched you diligently
Studied you like a history
And you left it all on the line
But it’s fine
I hold the tin to my ear
It’s your heartbeat, my dear
In our treehouse two
It’s just me and you
Have we always been this way
I know what you’re gonna say
But he cuts me off with a smile 
It’s on the doorstep and I’ll 
Pick it up for you
I’ll sing if you want me to
But I’ve already seen
The holes in your dream
While you groove like a shark
I put my car in park
And watch you vibe 
No grey walls or diatribe 
And it’s all I can do to hold out hope 
As I slide down the slippery slope
That it’s not too late
If I hand it to you would you accept the cape
That you wear in my mind
I have not left behind
All that you mean to me
I think it’s time that you see

He asks me in a somber tone 
Would you rather I just leave you alone 
No! I cry
Like Bella convinced she’s gonna die 
Before her boy gets back
But you’re no Edward to attack
The nearest bulletproof undead survivor 
I told you that I was a writer 
Did you ever guess 
You’d be the secret I confess 
On an empty page
And my silent rage 
At being so dumb 
It’s 2011 and I am young 
And I never saw 
The brave outlaw 
With woman in tow 
If I’d’ve known would I have let it go
And get that far
He tells me that he plays guitar
And writes his own music
But would you choose it
If you’d’ve known better 
I look outward at the weather
It’s pathetic fallacy
Raining down on you and me 
In the seasons we grow 
I love everything you stand for, so
I guess I still feel the same 
I call you by your second name 
That I may one day share
Is it laughter or do you care
Like a desperate housewife
Longing to just share her life
With a man she met
And cannot forget
Though her principles try
To give verse to the lie
That we’re sold 
A woman can be brave and bold
And speak her mind 
I didn’t leave you behind 

I wanna reach out to him
He’s on the other side of the glass 
But I’m too scared to ask 
Coz the last time we met
Is something we’d better forget
And my confidant says 
He doesn’t love you anyways 
And I take it to heart
Because he has the greater part
Of my soul
When we met I was whole 
And laughing with the joy 
Of such a crack me up boy
But there’s darkness too
And I see it in your eyes 
It’s like you drop the disguise 
When we’re all alone 
And I never gave you my phone 
To put your number into 
And what we put each other through
In all these years
I veritably cry your tears
When you’re sad
And you’re the best I never had 
As you share it with her
I know it’s not what we were
But envy strikes 
And burns me with its candlight
Coz I would like to share
My spirit with you there 
And you kiss
And I miss 
The photo in the reel
But when I see it the air steal
Out of the balloon I carry
The one I feel I marry
In the silent moment of us
Is this devastation broken trust?

There are different rays 
And every light has different ways
Of refracting the colour
You wonder could life get fuller 
When you burst onto the scene 
Like some kind of holy dream
But you’re outside the sphere 
Of a universe that draws fear
Out from where it lies 
And tells people that everyone dies 
But the perfect mirror face to face
I seemed to know my place
When you took my hand in yours 
And our love endures 
Through the seasons and the century
Do you think you could marry me
If I asked 
And if we hadn’t been taken to task 
By the powers that be 
But we’re still free
Reflecting Eternity
In two pairs of eyes 
And the disguise 
Is growing tiresome 
Do you think the sun
Would shine in the dark room of our soul
Or would we just envision something whole
As we merge our separate sphere 
And you rained holy hell on me, my dear
By spilling the beans 
To each and every pair of jeans 
That walk the streets
Impossible that we should meet 
Again
Because men
Always seem to have it out for me 
Is it my dignity
That is the threat
Or is it the Immortal that I met
And refuse to deny
You didn’t make me cry
I was putting it on
You let me down and I was gone 
I pause before I flick the switch
And I can almost hear the word “bitch”
On the tip of your tongue 
Don’t blame it on the being young
Gandhi was grown at twenty three
And playing short is not for me 
But the love remains 
As I try to extinguish pains 
That grow from it
Do you love the one you’re with
Or do you just long the sea
And dream of days you spent with me
Under the cover of the illusory storm
That emerged the day you were born

I wonder are aliens real
And if they are how do they cut the deal
And what wavelength do they vibrate 
People equate 
Humans with the highest zone 
But are we in the Universe all alone
As the only self conscious participants
Because there are so many events 
That we can’t explain
Like how the summer rain
More than the spring 
I know it’s Ireland and everything 
But maybe this sweater weather
Is more than purple like the heather 
And would you be open to sky
If you knew you could not die 
Only transform
There is a hearth that is ever warm 

When movies become reality
There has to be someone who saves me 
And can we agree
That war is futile 
We maim ourselves 
Our brothers and sisters in other shells 
One humanity 
Devouring who we used to be 
Had it always been this way
Humankind set to slay itself 
And Mother Earth fights 
The fire that our fuel ignites 
Are we burning down
With no one to run this town
I look to my side 
And thank the Lord we’re still alive 
To tell the story
And stand up and be counted 
Friendly fire that amounted 
To outright attack
Be careful of what you say you lack
Coz the help is often worse 
Than the infliction that you curse 
I bin the pills 
But their will 
Is stronger than mine 
“You must take these to be fine”
And for the time 
Being I’ll agree
To the assault they mount on me 
In the name of good 
And the wood 
Is thick and has heavy
As I brush the bramble away
What is it they say
When you’re halfway in you’re halfway out
And self doubt
Falls flat
I never liked you like that 

It’s only for so long you can be ignorant 
Of what it means 
We worked together for the field of dreams 
Til I took off for New York
Because I could sense a fork 
In the road and I must be in the right side 
Of history and I cannot hide 
In the shadows and safe
I walk out of the cave
And into the light
If this comes down to a fight
I must be ready
The day is getting heady
And I take what I know
From the days I did not let go 
And put it to work
A tough tackle doesn’t hurt
When you’re focussed on the goal
Or the girl beside you playing from soul 
I catch the ball
And pass it off, run down the hall
So no one sees 
Everyone thinks I’m on my knees 
But I’m just in the thick of it
And I may be getting stick for it
But I won’t let go 
The fate of it rests on us you know
I look to my side 
And the hope is still alive 
That we might make it through
There’s a weight of this relying on you
A frequency holder
And I grow bolder 
In my defence 
I was never full forward 
It never made sense 
To go for glory 
I write the story 
From behind the line
I look to my left and we’re fine
The ship is steady
For now but I sense a storm so help me
And all of us
It’s still the boy on the bus 
And the girl in the seat 
If, God willing, I get to keep my heartbeat
I’ll stand up strong
We can’t let this go wrong

Photo Credit

They called me leader
A warrior 
Coz I’d leave it on the line 
And know when I’d call time 
On the war
When it’s girl against girl 
But you don’t know what for 
When that chick in the blue shirt 
Punched me three times and, man, it hurt
But I got a free
And afterward she said sorry to me 
I was a defender 
No.5 and the boy I remember 
When we lifted the cup in ‘07
We dedicated it to someone in Heaven 
And I leaned on her shoulder 
Because the boulder 
Of death was heavy
Is anyone ever ready
To say goodbye 
So we’re out on the pitch and we’re willing to die 
For that ball
I go up against her like a brick wall
And get knocked to the ground 
There was a moment there was no sound 
But I got back up
And for the love 
Of the team I tried 
But my race was run that day, I’m fried 
There’s a point in the game
So I scream from the sideline
Call each one by their name 
We’re not good enough to lace their boots
It’s rough but the insult has no roots 
Coz there’s no passion like Kilglass on the green 
We kick the final point, it’s a dream
And our parents storm the field 
The victory goes to the one who will yield 
And you’re down by nine points in the final
But it’s as classic as any vinyl 
When you claw your way back
Get off the back foot and on the attack
With whiplash I watch, that year against Clann
And I’d fight any man 
But I don’t think I can
Win this one for us
So I must trust
In the team
I open my eyes and wake the dream

***TRIGGER WARNING***
Mental Health Issues

Just my take on how we keep our mental health crises silent - talking about something I went though. Luckily everything is calm at the moment but just writing this from the perspective of the girl that went through it and how I feel we need to speak up and be more open about what is going on in our interior lives. There is a massive pressure to keep silent on these things but I think it’s important to realise that none of us are alone in the challenges we go through - there is always help available and always a power that cares - I call it God or the Universe but it goes by many names - Love. Writing this for anyone who’s suffering at the moment - know there is light at the end of the tunnel even if you don’t see it right now! ❤️

The stigma of a mental health crisis
The noise is so loud I can’t hear their advices 
As they try to calm the storm 
But it’s the heat that keeps me warm 
And they say it’s best if I keep this quiet
But my interior turned to a riot 
With conflicting feelings and voices aplenty 
It’s been this way since I was twenty 
And felt reality recede from my grip 
It was a pretty wild trip 
As I lay in bed in my college dorm
The girl next door was all bad form
As she broke my shit and stole my ticket
To the ball and I just go with it
Cos I don’t know what to say
Now it feels like I’ve always been this way 
And they label it as a psychosis
But I kinda like the voices 
At least they keep me company in the lonely
And I find it hard to talk when people phone me 
It’s like the words won’t come 
And I succumb 
And roll in the words
Til violence is heard
I need help, I flee into arms 
Say my bell is ringing all kinds of alarms 
And I look fly 
But something’s gonna die 
If I don’t fight my way out
It’s a silent scream that shouts 
As, I, on the train
Can feel everyone’s pain
Like all the boundaries are down
And it’s twelve o clock, get out of town
I meet the door 
And the crashing waves, but it saves, mo stór
As people in foreign lands 
Die and nobody understands
That we’re all one 
And if the sun
Is burning down 
It’s gonna shake all our ground
We are connected
No one’s rejected
And I must speak 
For all those who writhe in their sleep
There is a way out
Of the fear and self doubt 
As waking I sigh
Give up holding onto the lie