Am I non binary or am I just free
Coz when they say woman are they talking to me?
Coz I’ve always been at home as a girl
But the 12,000 petalled lotus exists to unfurl 
And I’m no longer limited to this body
The road you take may be a little bit shoddy
But it’s been well tested, tried and true
And it’s the part leading to the heart of you
And I’m all worn down like cogs in pieces
Time’s the only thing that never ceases
Until you find a home within yourself
They tell me that it’s bad for my mental health
Coz I’m not moving all a flurry 
I look around and, well, what’s the hurry
And they had me tied up and locked down
Til I’m in a room and I want to drown
With the noise of all that is a sin
I hold back the worst coz it is a din
And find the peace that passes all understanding
You come to realise what they are demanding 
When they speak to you in their treble tones
Can you drop the bass when you’re all alone
Or is it something that needs a plot
Don’t be the person that time forgot
Walk in your way unto the sky
And never, in this life, be afraid to die
Just hold out hope and have faith
In all that will not make you wait

Something within me cries for your soul
You’re the story that’s never been told
And the mountains that stretch from the valleys and hills
Overcome the strength of both of our wills
As we strive to get somewhere
But darling I still care
About how you are
I wish you every star
That could ever shine in the Heavens
Are we just a pair of elevens
With my hand in your pocket
The jeans you wear, my heart a locket
That you wear around your neck
I gave up and we were wrecked
From the chasm to the abyss
And it’s years that I’ve thought to miss
Your easy smile, your breezy way
And I’m not lost for what to say
Coz in your company I’m complete
And we play a game with our feet
And how you wanted me scared me deep
I’m not sure if you’re what I can keep
Coz I dream of something safe and secure
You look at me and the love is pure
And I’m saddened by the wasteland that stretches between
Was together just a dream
Or something that sets fire to timber
You’re something éile and I am a cinder 
Of the fire I used to be
You kinda wash the shore of me
With your tidal wave 
And intent to save
You’re every hero in every story
All I want is that you adore me
And fill in the answer to every blank
If we are together who am I to thank
The fates, the seasons, the air, the sky
There were days I was afraid you would die
Before I ever got to see you again
I’m okay if you’re just a friend
But what do you want, do you want more
And you always play the perfect score
In rhythm, in time, in tune with the beat
And did I already mention the game with our feet
It makes me laugh, it makes me smile
It makes me sit with you for a while
As all of our dreams are walking on stilts
And for once we give up on the guilt
That seems to follow us both around
It’s real quiet, doesn’t make a sound
Til it’s storming a scene in its refrain
And it’s as though I’ve got used to the pain
That knocks on my door in winter time
Is it okay if I think of you as mine
Coz once you were and somewhere still are
And I think of you in my car
As we listen to music that makes the bedrock
I always love the parts of you that I’m not
As we burn like a celestial sphere
I can feel the heat when you are near
But we can be friends if that’s what you need
You’re the cocaine that makes my heart bleed
Out the stories that I’ve been telling
And I can hear your side so could you stop yelling
As the noise gets loud
And my integrity proud
Enough to say we won’t speak anymore
But still I sit behind a closed door
Waiting for someone to maybe knock
And I sure loved you a lot
But I’ve got to get writing this story I own
Of how a girl feels once she’s thrown
Everything into a future that will never be
And I’m tired of trying to get you to see
Coz it’s like the ocean doesn’t know the sky
Even though rain is like tears that it cry
Into a saltwater expanse
The stars twinkle diamonds into a dance
And your soul shines forth from your eyes 
Hell is the moment we yell our goodbyes
Down either end of a cold telephone
And I know that you’re not alone
As I give you all of me
You’re telling me it’s setting free
The chains that seem to contain
The world that revolves to the clockwork of pain
And I know I shouldn’t intrude
It’s just that you are a really cool dude
And I can’t help but see from afar
That you still live with the full of your heart
And your girl’s really lucky to have you for a guy
I realise you love her so I don’t try
To win you over anymore
Though you may be on the floor
Looking for something to hold onto
But, baby, don’t you know that’s you
And everything’s forever in the distant past
But only one thing really lasts
And it’s held deep within
Beyond the molten core
Don’t go saying, my love,
You don’t love me no more
In the ashes and in the ruins there rise
A phoenix from the dust in your eyes
So stand up tall, brave and true
Don’t let the fire get the best of you
Just seek and find, rest and be 
And know, deep down, you’ve always got me

He’s like the dark side I can’t admit
And I can’t outrun you so I may as well quit
And go back home where I belong
Coz some of the things you say are so wrong
And if you’re a mountain then I am the ocean
And this is no polyjuice potion
But only becoming what I’m meant to be
Walking the shoes that finally fit me
And growing up and growing in
To the life that longs to begin
And the ages that write the scroll
Like a diagram I’m trying to unroll
But I saw the cosmos in the sphere
And it whistled a note so clear
Told me to hold you dear
You gotta know my love’s sincere

It’s dark and unknowable and kind of like death
It’s not the kind of fourteen you’re gonna forget
And I walked my own boots into the school
In the years I kept each and every rule
And the dragging, it pulls me into the sea
I was locked in a box thinking I was free
And everywhere I’d go I’d just see her face
Like some ghost to haunt what was out of place
And all of the depth that I couldn’t plumb
But no matter the trouble I’m not one to succumb
And it found me there on a carpet so green
Like a bed of roses grew from where I’d been
As I woke staring at the ceiling
And it was as though I’d transcended the feeling
That shielded me from the light of day
Now the curtains have parted and it’s all gone away
And I just want to shine like what’s never been seen
Looking through walls like what could have been
And I guess that the storm was what woke the dream 
Up on the floor of an NC1 scene

Idealism has me loving him
Through the wings of a new song
And I’ve only felt
Sparsely that I belong
In and out between the fear
Catching hold of what I hold dear
In the hopes that it won’t leave
And it’s little that I don’t believe
Coz it all pulses in my throat
And are we post rote
Learning now
I sit upon the bough
Of a leaning tree
To watch the sunset fade in front of me
And think it’s much like a life
That doesn’t get to happen twice
Unless you’re into that sort of thing
A reincarnation into the skin that swim
In the great ocean
And I’ve always been emotion
Trying to calm down
But I walk on solid ground
As my heart beats in my chest
Trust in God and leave the rest

I know you don’t 
Mean to cause any harm
But d’you know what she’d be
With you on her arm
And I can see the wasteland
Desert too
All because she 
Is alienated from you
And the word never matches 
The thread never files
We’ve neither of us
Seen you in a while
And I don’t know what words 
Have been put into your mouth
But what’s coming through
Is something I can’t doubt
And we’re able to lift
We’re able to marry
We’re long past the age 
It would take it to carry
And I know that embed 
Takes root in a dream
And I don’t want to be
Just what it may seem
And I’m scared that I
Will lose her by the coast
She’s picking up sand
And looks like a ghost
And I can’t say that I
Am anything new
I fumble the rumble
And don’t know what to do
Coz I want to stand up
To all that’s real and fresh
It’s just that I 
Haven’t seen your equal yet
And you’ve got trouble
But it’s also pizazz
I wouldn’t change you
Just leave it as
It already is
As I stifle a sigh
This is just love
And a long goodbye
Out in the ocean
As dry as a cork
Do you eat with your hands 
Or use a fork 
Cause we’re so civilized 
In the way that we hurt
But our roots are in soil
And they’re digging up dirt
Like a lone
Call into the wind
I look up and 
The vane, it spinned

My irrepressible spirit
I make noise so that you might hear it
But it is in silence that it’s clear
The sounds that are so near
To nothing they barely exist
And there are people I can’t resist
As they move and sashay
Why do you think he looked at me that way
Am I just a free lover out to get my kicks
Or is there something deeper to it
As I share a moment held aloft
And I find ways to dust myself off
When I fail inevitably 
But I’m not one for the revelry
My heart is all in my soul
And it’s only my body getting old
As I turn the thirties around
Do you think I could find solid ground
To be the earth beneath my feet
Am I a delta where the waters meet
And do you know exactly what you are
I don’t so I rely on a star
To shine like I think I do
I don’t know what I see in you
But it is unavoidably cool
I just wanted to say that you rule! 
And she would have loved that the light that you shine
I hope I can show her the moments you were mine 
Even if only for a very short time
Now she is part of the light sublime
And I talk to her in a candle flame
And though it’s not the same
I can feel her near to me
And her irrepressibility
She woulda loved to see me with you
I always knew she wanted me to
Find someone that feels just right
I wonder if she hears me at night
Talking about the ones I love
Now that she is above 
And that she knows what it is to fly
I sometimes reminded of the sky
When I think of how freedom sounds
And I know they are always around
And I think I have found
Solid ground so that another round
Of cycles won’t pull me in
And I was just in love with him
Now it’s wearing off as I see
Everything as divinity
Everything clothed by the Creator’s hand
It whispers that it’ll all be grand 

He rushes into the wilderness of my soul
I’m bound to him as I’m getting old
Thinking his red could burn a patch 
Of straw in my roof of thatch
And I just want him to know
I haven’t stopped thinking about him, so
Here goes nothing into the void
You are more than one of the boys
As you entertain
With a love you throw out in vain
But I catch it in my warm hands
And I don’t know about those plans
But I’d still be with you
As the wife you want to
Hold and get with child
Can you love me and leave me wild
Coz I spill the beans
On the collective love of both our dreams 
As we pass like ships in the night
Equipped with a fire to ignite

Photo by Khara Woods on Unsplash.com

https://spotify.link/lTfW3js0fDb

I know you fled from the wolves
And I love the way destiny pulls 
Til it leaves me in a female body
With no man to pick the shoddy
Drunken frame from the ground
You were the music before I heard the sound
But somehow it reached me from afar
I drive around in my car
Wondering where I lost my home
And you are somewhere all alone
With your wife and kid
I saw their reflections so I hid
In the long grass to stare
Because the one I love is there 

The gaslight anthem 
He burns me down 
Acting just like 
He owns this town 
To invalidate 
And put me in an altered state
Where no one believes
Anything that she conceives
Of
And love
Goes by the wayside
But I abide
In the constant pose
Of being the one the Lord chose
To do works by his hand 
And I am grand 
Just spinning notes
Based on the heroes that she quotes 
As forbearers of the light
I think humanity might be alright
In spite
Of the evidence to the contrary
And the tooth fairy
Can’t buy me back
Because I lack
That particular function
And at the junction
I take a hard right
Zen it up, alright 

Were we supposed to find this
Among all the blood, sweat and tears
The things we’ve fought through
After all these years 
And you’re somewhere unknown to me
But somehow I still see
With my heart instead of eyes this time
You’re the reason I thought to rhyme 
Among all the confusion
They say it’s my delusion 
But you’re there like a holy drop of water
And I can’t forget the truth that has caught her
In the soul
As the waves roll 
To the beat of who you are
And I wish upon the star
That we all lie under
The perfect thunder
To shake the ground 
You had me at hello and love abound 
And without a sound 
I take your hand 
Though it wrinkles and the sand
Slips through the hourglass
What is it that last
In you and I
This love will never die

It’s as if her disgust 
Could curdle milk
As my voice
Soft as silk 
Tries to explain
Why it is always 
Acid rain
In these parts
And in my heart of hearts 
I know I won’t be free
Til she has released 
Her control of me
Like broken fingers
And mud slingers
Trying to explain the dawn
She’s obsessed with a world 
Where I am gone 
And I feel every minutiae
Of time spent wrong
How my song
Became mangled and bruised 
I’m just a girl that destiny used
To do its works
But, my God, it hurts 
Like a bitch
And you say I’m the witch? 

He caused me inescapable pain
It was like the Heavens opened and let out the rain
And I’m thrashing in this field of grass
Trying to find something that will last
And he just laughs
And sashays
I’m over his games 
And his power plays
As he tries to pin me down
To a point
But I’ve got heart
So go roll your joint
To make up for whatever you can never reach
And I’m not here to whine and beseech
But stand up to you
In your confident glare
I know how it was 
Because I was there
And I felt every moment
And read all the signs
But I wouldn’t do it again
Not for diamond mines
Outside of the forest 
Where we used to live
You ask for my love
But I’ve got to forgive
You for your weary rap at my door
I couldn’t have cared less any more
As you tell me your secrets
And share your light
But it’s long past gone
And it’s not alright 
And you’re choosy but honest
As you sing the blues
I’m level headed and laid back 
And walk my own shoes
But I take them off
Before I enter the temple
Bow my head, so reverential 
And you take off your cap
And hold it in your hands
I’ll not acquiesce to your demands
But bloom within a summer song
Though it’s been winter all along
And the years of young are wearing thin
Pining over what could have been
But what is is all that exists
And I see the sky clear 
Through the mists
The one and all 
The few, the many
If you’re looking for hatred
There isn’t any
Only a garden
Behind a wall
I thought that I knew
But I didn’t at all

Don’t you know that I feared ya
Coz you smashed the windowpane that seared ya
And you hit me with a shard of glass
And she sits beside me in class
Like nobody’s business
When’s she gonna confess
That what she did was wrong
And I found myself in a song 
But the melody ain’t quite right
And all we do is fight
Trying to get our points across
But I let her go and feel the loss
But steady my frayed nerves
As she just sits there and observes
And contemplates our various states
As my heart stands by and waits
But it won’t hold this any longer
I’m older now and I’m stronger
As I spend some time in an institution 
But you know it’s no solution
Coz they just file my fax
And I just think of what I can’t get back
As you’re silent all the years
And I try to hide my tears
From your unwavering glare
And I know it hurts coz I was there
As you solid stone
And suddenly I’m all alone
In all this company
I won’t let you get the best of me
So I move away and feint
It’s in my own colours that I paint
And you can’t tear my picture down
As if you don’t want it around
Learning to let go of false hits
The past is over so don’t switch
For what you’ll never get back
You lost my trust in a flash

They did the best they knew how
And every single moment’s the Now
Or did you notice, it’s just a dream
This world of concepts and it’s always been
As the wind blows though
Do you feel the breath of God on you
And what is a name
The depths of the reverent do not change
No matter what you choose to call it
And I’m afraid I have to admit
I’ve been attached to my own religion
But too much thought makes anything a prison
And I see the light breaking through
It’s shining on a scene so new
And you could call it space or another dimension
It’s what exists when you do not mention
What you think it could be
I opened my eyes and so I see
But the function of vision is beyond comprehension 
So much more than human invention
As we perceive
Then make fortresses to what we believe
Do you think we could just let go
Of the castles of sand we build in the snow
And the rains come without delay
You can protest as they wash it away
But it won’t do you any good
Better seek out refuge from the flood
But it’s just a new dawn
And what’s in the river isn’t really gone
Only reborn and delivered anew
Have faith and trust in the peace in You

***Trigger Warning***
Mental Health

Don’t worry, I’m still prescribed to the hilt
And the flower has started to wilt 
So there’s no danger that the season destroy
When a girl wants a boy
And fifty years just burn down
And I’m stuck in the same old town 
I’ve always been 
You burst the bubble like a dream
And I can’t get out 
So to hell with doubt
As she cloys up a candle
And tells me that I’m hard to handle
When she dobbed me in 
Like I should be punished for her sin
And she cries into my face
So much for the human race
If this is what we’re dealing with
And she’s high class and full of it
To make the midnight breed a dawn
But I’ll be happier when it’s all gone 
And not long now, I wait
For love to obliterate 
All that I’ve come to know
Your holding on lets me go
And there’s a place your chains don’t reach
It’s as though you came to teach
Me your blank sound
I’m out if you’re around

Éanna’s sorry for the things that he said
But it’s not as though they chased me to bed
As I took that fateful step one night in my room
Everything disappeared and was replaced by doom
And it wasn’t his words that made the lightning crack 
Though it was long ago he can’t take them back
It was something that someone said about weird
And it was as though everything was exactly as I feared
And I walked on 
Though the world is already gone
In flagrant tones
Who do I blame for the videophones
Dictating our lives
The past rushes onwards but doesn’t survive
Now it’s years later
And an apology as you tip the waiter
Éanna’s sorry, he said it to me that time
When we were all lifted up in the moment sublime
Éanna’s sorry, I fear
I’ve got to give up on this, dear
The grievance I hold
The story I’ve told
And forgiveness and letting go
Of the hurt that resides in my heart so
Éanna’s sorry and I
Let it go and try
To be here
This moment’s all you ever have, dear
He’s sorry and I see my whole life
Bundled up in the story I told of strife
And the hard shell 
Of all too well
Is letting me go
Éanna’s sorry, I know
Was it bluster and show
As he called me out and threw a line
There’s nothing that’s not replaced by time
As I try and fail to think of something to say
I nod and just let it be okay
That the break of day might come after this night
That there is a place that I am alright
Éanna’s sorry, just see
He’s looking to me
For forgiveness and exude
His old attitude
Do I hold it against him for the rest of time
Do I turn away or just say I’m fine
Éanna’s sorry and real
Is the way that I feel
To know that the age
Is a drawing on page
In another form
Do I accept the end of the storm?
Or stay with the pain
The standing out in the pouring rain
The years in the hollow
The people I follow
He’s sorry and it’s as though if I 
Forget that I ever break down and cry
Alone, in my room
With nobody knocking or coming soon
Éanna’s sorry and life
Has let go of strife
And hugged me close
With the power of what I love the most
In gentle tones
You’re not alone
And people care
Nonchalant is just something they wear
Until the time the heart will show
I’m all about love so I let you know
That we’re cool, we’re alright
I guess this marks the end of the fight