Author: Laura

Crippling Instability

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There is crippling instability at my core
I try to balance what I adore
On the scales 
But a part of me rails
And tries to decide
That I no longer want to be alive
If it means that I’m not with her
Always wondering what we were
And she hates me now but I feel her breath
Whispering “do not forget” 
All that we are
And she says I am her star
No black hole
But the measure of her soul 
And she calls to me 
Across the sea
Of forever in between
Am I crazy or is this a dream
I just cannot wake from
All I love will someday be gone
And ripped to shreds
This is what I think of when I lay in bed

The Fluctuation

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The fluctuation hit me like a ton of bricks 
And now I am in bits 
As she sails to another sea
Never knowing the weather she visited on me
And it’s like a plume
You can tell it’s been in the room
Because there is a fume
That wafts
And you could say she’s daft
But it’s more than that
She’s caught in a wave she can’t take back
As she bullets into the sky
And I wonder if I would’ve died
If I’d met her on the road
Because she never slowed
In her speech 
And she is out of reach
As I extend 
The part of me that would mend
A sensory organ
But I can’t get a word in
As it rocks us back and forth
And the worst part of a divorce
Is you never see that person again
Not in the same way, not women and men
I wish her well
Because I know the hell
She is living in
I also know that I cannot win
When that’s in control
God bless her and ease her soul
As it beats against the cage it’s kept in
I wonder does she know Him
In her darkest day
All the same I wouldn’t want to get in her way
When she’s on the wrong side of the beach
I think it’s the lesson she came to teach

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Patches

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
He’s trying to get power any way he can
Coz he lost it all when she lost her man
To the facade of budding away
Isn’t that what they all say
About midnights come the dawn
And he will swear he did nothing wrong
But I watched her on her hands and knees
Trying to find something in which to believe 
And she was ashen framed 
And you like the structure of he who must not be named
In the sea
She rolled with me
But the forest burned down
Now I just watch you leave the town
Over and over
Searching for your four leafed clover 

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The False Circuitry

.Reading time 1 minute.
The false circuitry 
Has the current running in circles around me
And you could say it’s electricity
But it’s just as likely to abandon me
Like everyone did
When everyone ran and hid
And they committed me to St. Pat’s 
And I committed to never coming back
Because how do you return from a sojourn
In the realm of the forlorn 
Where people tear out their hair
And the worst thing you can do is care
And feel everything 
“That girl has a broken wing”
And there’s a demon stalking these halls
I can feel him through the walls
Of my cage
Rocking back and forth for an age
It’s a wonder I don’t fall away
And just fall for what they say
When they tell me I am unwell
And that there’s no such thing as hell
But once I mention that word
I watch the nurse quake in her boots at what she heard
And I must be quiet and say nothing at all
Because somehow I am answering the call
And I sit in the office just discussing my state
I don’t mention I wanna taken Stephen on a date
Coz he is so damn cute
Couldn’t be more like the proof
That heaven is real 
As he tries to steal 
Me away from the long arm of the law
And I wonder if I should let on I’m in the midst of the Great Thaw

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The Birth Of Fear And Suspicion

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The darkness of the night is very near
And it was an education in fear
When they taught me about the man in black
And that I must be wary of an attack
I still remember the moment it made an impact
Cut to the future and I jacked
When I saw that same abyss again 
And instead of a god, it was men
And I ran and ran 
Because only the truth can
Catch up to me
And the scenery is no match for me
As I turn a blind eye
On what it is to die 
In the midnight of the day
And they tell me it’s okay
I ask the doctor if the devil is real
Because hell is sure what I feel 
When I’m looking in the mirror
And I barely hear her
When she say that she don’t know
She says she’ll help me though
And she’s from India so 
I trust in where this is gonna go 

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The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

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I Don’t Know Where To Start

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She’s buried under the weight of timber
And she calls me a sinner
For what she cannot see
That it has devastated me 
And he looks at me that way
And there’s so much I want to say
But I can’t and now it’s never
That’s the hard part of forever
It doesn’t let go
And so 
I let the waves rise up 
To overflow the cup 
Of water I’ve been drinking 
They say that it’s overthinking 
But somehow it feels more real 
And it’s just that she cannot deal
With her own grief she fires at dart at me
And I don’t have the heart to let it be
I storm up a flame and turn away
Go deaf to everything she say
Coz it’s all a repetition 
Of something she learned in some edition 
Of something she read 
And I never said 
What I meant 
But when I sent 
That letter true
I thought it would deliver to you
But it must have missed the mark 
Now I’m just swinging swords in the dark 
And hoping to connect 
With a dream I seem to have wrecked
With my steady brutality
Oh, the weight of what’s been placed on me
Is a blessing true
And all of this because I lost you

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Éire Go Deo

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I watch the images of bombed out bars
And burnt out cars
On city streets 
And I know that the heat
Is born from a fervour deep and true
I feel it in me and I see it in you 
And somehow peace has found a way
To hold and that’s the order of the day
It’s been 800 years
And so many women have cried tears
Over lost sons 
And I could be the one 
To finally unpeel 
The way they made our nation feel
As they circumscribe the land
And say this must be tilled by hand
And no more than so many yards
I don’t even know how hard
It must have been 
And my dream 
Has been rocked
Like the walls made up by people locked
In Connemara by the rule of the day
To hell or to Connaught, isn’t that the way
And we can bark orders and we can make decrees
But that Ireland isn’t me
It’s something other
It’s living and breathing for your brother 
And dying with hands crushed together 
Nowadays we just complain about the weather 
But the sadness is embedded in the roots
Of the great tree that began as shoots 
From the fertile soil 
I feel my blood boil 
When someone talks about English rule
The things they taught us in school 
About how to bend and break 
And why they did it for our sake 
And we must be respectful, too
Because they are human just like you
Then someone utters a word
And just like that the bird
Of hatred is born 
Because the fire of fear is still warm 
And glowing embers 
Not everyone knows but the heart remembers 
Even when the mind forgets 
And it’s not over yet
Not till the trauma storm 
Has made the people realise they warm 
Their hands on the coals of the past 
And in some ways people are classed
In the stratosphere
I feel the time near
When we must stand up and be counted
Oh, what has it amounted
To but this 
Heaven is in the first kiss 

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Melting Brokenness

.Reading time 1 minute.
My heart is touched
By the ones I love so much
And I can’t bear the loss
Bearing the heavy weight of cost
Of all this time 
And everything that’s mine 
Will one day belong to the sky
We do not know the hour we die
Or the day or the year
All I know is that a tear
Slides down my face
When something goes to waste
Because it was not said
And it pounds in my head
As I’m lying in bed
Hoping to stay warm
And all form 
Is permeable to 
The water that just wears through 
Our steady soul 
And the waves roll
Over the Burren floor
It was once at the bottom of the ocean and what’s more
It’s solidity 
Is only apparent when it’s taken from me 
To go sliding away 
I close my eyes to the day 
And embrace the night
Have people ask; “are you alright?”
And yes I am, but no I’m not 
Like asking a candle is it hot
As it slowly melts 
This is made to be felt 
As it sits in my chest
And holds the people I love the best 
In the Kilglass sun
What if everything is the One

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The Sadness That Embraces

.Reading time 1 minute.
The inner child weeps
And she never sleeps
For all the people she loves
Will one day be above
Or at least that’s what they say
I don’t know if it is that way
But I’ve always felt the wrench
Felt the knot in my gut clench
As it tries to clasp
What it knows can never last
Not in a hundred million suns
Not in finding the sacred one
Because the heat must die
To find the reason that you try
To reach the sky
And I
Just find tears
Amidst all the years
And cling to the frame
The door that bears my name
But it can’t weather the storm 
Of the heart that beats me warm 
In the summer free
I feel death stalking me 
And in the winter fine
I feel that it is time
To let the leaves go
Let the winds blow
Let the waters flow
And find that there is no separation, you know

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Tiny Tremors

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There are tiny tremors that rock the boat
But all it seems to do is float
As it engages on the rocky sea
As people wonder what the fuck is up with me
And I can’t explain
That I just come down with the rain
And the pain
Is sweet as the music Andrew plays
As he sings away my days
Into a crescendo of perfect purpose 
And the rigmarole seems like a circus
Everybody loves
But those gloves 
Don’t fit me anymore
So I just shut the door 
On them
And some part of me says Amen

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The Words And What They Do Not Mean

.Reading time 1 minute.
She can’t stop running interference
And though I held her dear once
I can’t keep up this spin
Why don’t you keep that aspect of yourself for him
Like you’ve been trained to do 
But I never will be you
In all this mountainous thunder
And taking a number
To be what you are
Has every star
Been categorised
And every sunset a way the day dies
I don’t know about your aching pain
As it tries to force me to stand in the rain 
Because you got wet
From a time you cannot forget
All the lights shine
But forever will never be mine
As long as I pick up after you 
I feel cold at the sound of your laughter too
Because it rings of disdain 
And your aching stain 
On the carpet or sheet 
There must have been a reason we meet
By universal design 
But know that I cannot call mine
What only pulverises 
And she surmises 
That I’m cutting, direct 
The words she hurls haven’t changed me yet
But I just feel this sigh
Coming on like a longing goodbye
As I wonder why
She never understood jack
And now she cannot take it back 

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There’s Darker Than That In The Shadows

.Reading time 1 minute.
There’s darker than that in the shadows
And the girl rebelled on All Hallow’s 
Eve and there were claps of thunder
I saw them taking my number
So I ran and ran
Now no one can 
Reach me
And no matter what they teach me
I cannot unsee the truth
That perforated the wisdom of my youth
They try to placate
Say; find a perfect date
Find a man you can settle down with 
Though it might be hard coz you’re such a bitch
But I don’t care anyway
I just sway
With the leaves in the trees
As everyone believes that down on your knees
Is the way to free
But it just isn’t me
And the man is beautiful, the man is real 
But he just closes down how I feel
And say’s to me on the phone
Goodbye, Laura, now I’m alone
As the bombs go off
And I pay the cost
For the rattling rain 
That hammers my doorstep again
And again and again 
I can’t reasonably blame the weather on men 
But then I do 
I just blame you 
For casting me out
For casting aspersions and self doubt
On who I am 
And if I’ve any choice as to who I can 
Love, it will never be you 
Even if your baby blue
Is enticing 
My soul is advicing 
Me to depart
I do it all with solemn heart 

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When They Try To Control

.Reading time 1 minute.
When people implore me with their eyes
But I don’t care who dies
Because I have seen beyond the form
And what happens when the body warm
Soon turns cold and depart
The spirit leaves by the heart
And returns to join it’s immortal core
They struggle to say I love you more
In their attempts at suppression
Some kind of drive at oppression
Til I’m twenty nine and in confession
As the priest says this will be your last aggression
But I just can’t muster up the energy to say
I’m saving it for another day
Because everything is now
And somehow
In the forest of storm 
I found that which was never born
And so can never leave this earth
The something beyond the hurt
And though they try to scratch and claw
They are no match for the Great Thaw
That is unfolding humanly 
On the planet and undoing me
Well the “me” I thought I was
It does not abide by laws
But sits in it’s own sweet soul 
And tells the waves to roll and roll
They will still meet the beach
If this is what it is to teach
Then call my words silent prose
This is the less travelled road

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The Porcupine

.Reading time 1 minute.
The porcupine is out tonight
She hits me with her firing light
And everything is just fair game
She shells me and I don’t feel the same
Because everything is just a mood
And all she ever does is brood
To bake what she can never cook
And do everything by the book
The book she names
The book she recites
She looks at me 
And dynamites 
Everything that ever was
She says that she does it coz
She loves me but I think that’s a hoot
I watch as the flames take root
In desire and in fear
I push away when she comes near
Coz forests come and forests go
But the green will stay the same so 
I trust in my own hands of clay
When I just walk surreptitiously say
Nothing at all to you 
It’s been an ocean, these shades of blue

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Editing The Muse

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I edit the muse
Because I feel the ruse
Is too obvious to everyone around
So quiet as a mouse I don’t make a sound
Til it implodes 
And everyone goads
Me til a break in my mental health
Is the cards that I am dealt
I smile into the sun
And I look for the one
Meanwhile, on the run
I end what was never begun
And I look to him for salvation
He hasn’t got any
I thought he had the truth
But it’s just one of the many
And something he spouts
To eschew his self doubt
I look within
And I find a power greater than him 
Deep in my soul 
He could make all the waves roll
But he can’t command the sea
Or make a woman out of me
Just coz he’s a man
He kicks the can
Down the road
And the car slowed
To see what he was doing
I’m no girl for the pursuing 
So I let it go
I’m not sure if he ever got it though

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The Despondency Of Men

.Reading time 2 minutes.
He wants to mean something to me 
But he was just a dream that never got to be
And now he self flagellates
That he never took the girl on dates
And he makes do with what he has
But most of the time he just feels bad
That he settled for 
Someone he could never adore
Only ever be useful to 
And she’d skull the devil to get to you 
Because you’ve got that verdant green 
And arches her back the way it had never been 
Before 
And the shore
May be a more sunny shade of grey
But you and I were never that way
So I take the bull by the horns
But something warns
Me to just let it go
He’s not what you think, you know
And he rained bloody blue hell
On the summer of wishing me well 
And I don’t know if he can tell
But when I fell
I fell hard
And let the bard
Inside of me run loose
But she has run out of juice 
And gets by on mere gasoline
I wonder does she ever scream 
When you make her high 
I wonder does she feel you 
When you wanna die
Like I do 
I’m miles away and the needle pulls through
On another thread
I don’t want to be witness to someone else’s bed
But I feel it all
And I forestall 
The grief 
For mere belief 
In who I am to be
You won’t make a whore out of me 

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The Control

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
The control is like a vicegrips, it sneaks round my neck
And I wonder which part of me she will wreck
With the next seize
I let go and I believe 
That everything is okay
Innocently go about my day
And then it comes 
Like a wave of a hundred drums
Banging their beat
Like people with the floor and feet
And she snatches up what she can grasp 
But this thing can never last
Coz it just burns the fuse
When I am something she would use
To ameliorate herself
And gain some kind of wealth
In someone else’s eyes
But it’s a disguise
And the lies
Are so obvious now
But when I believed them, not somehow

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A Starship Far Away

.Reading time 1 minute.
Somehow there is a starship far away
And it is hidden in every day
In the midst of meals and courses
In the midst of screaming fights, divorces
And I call that love, it’s a futile road
To ever carry that heavy load 
They call life
And every wife
Knows the weight
Of hiding in her husbands hate
As he trudges through the snow
Pretending he is in the know
And I’m taking apart an institution
Because it is in my constitution
And I always wanted to be a newly wed
So I could share somebody’s bed
But that dream has faded 
And I’m jaded
At thirty three
Like I swore I’d never be
I’d follow every dream to its resolution
But now it seems the only solution
Is to let it go
And rest and know
That every cloud has its silver lining 
And I’m one who is undefining 
What it means to be woman and grown
I plunge into the unknown 
And come out smelling of roses
I didn’t realise that I chose this 
Over a life of steady familiarity 
Rooted in the ground like a deep tree
So steady in its being 
But there’s something else I’m seeing 
In the mists of time 
It’s you and I and we are fine 
Just as we are 
Behind every black hole is a hidden star 

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Fragrant Breezes And The Way My Eyes Roam

.Reading time 2 minutes.
There seems to be a prohibition on being who I am 
They tell me not to speak against the plan
Or analyse 
But everyone dies
Why does nobody see
And if they do why do they blame me 
For letting the truth fly
And I don’t want to cry
But I will 
If it means I don’t have to kill 
The beauty inside me 
For a man who will ride me 
Sometimes in the dark 
And leave a mark 
Like loneliness on the step
It is something I can never accept
So I throw the papers back in his face
As he tells me I’m a living disgrace 
Because I don’t amount to 
The stepford wife he’s been pushing through 
And someday you will bear child 
But I am ever wild
And I have no intention to tame that flame
Just to wear someone else’s name 
And say that I am his 
I used to ace the quiz
But he says I know nothing at all 
So I make him talk to the wall 
That is in front of his face
Because I do not want to waste
Any of my receptivity 
On who he wishes me to be
And I guess it’s handed down 
Like a shower and a dressing gown 
The perfect man does not exist
It’s all steam and rising mist 
To dim your eyes 
And the disguise 
Was brilliant true 
But it took like 0.1 seconds to see through
And now you bow her branches down 
But the leaves never touch the ground 

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Flinging Dirt At The Wall

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The identification falls away 
Like sticks and stones that never got a say
In who I’ve become
And I used to be young
But I always felt old
It doesn’t matter how many times I’m told 
That my whole life’s ahead of me
But I’d rather kiss the dread in me 
As it lays down its head
I always wake up when I am in bed
And the monsters reach out to catch my arms 
They ring the bell when people do themselves harm
In Dean Swift
It’s like an alarm and I am pissed
That for some reason it never tolls for me
And they don’t see I’ve been set free
As I sit in their cage
And there’s so much rage
So I just put it on a page
To catalogue a new brand of product 
I heard hate travels by viaduct
Is the whole thing fucked 
As my parents say to sit down and shut up
Quiet is a kind of love
So I let them stick needles and thorns
Into my skin coz I look forlorn 
And there’s blood but it’s not of my doing
I’m not up for the pursuing 
Anymore
So I just sit on the floor
Of the music room
But the guitar’s out of tune
And there is no capo
I know I could make a map though
Out of all these fragments of signs
They beat me to a pulp ten thousand times
As he makes me apply to the office
I don’t know who will profit
Coz I’ll never run the numbers
Not for him, not for any of their hungers 
And he sends me an email to apply for the accounting exam
I say no but it’s like Mayo and Sam
It doesn’t get heard or come to fruition
I’m all about that early edition

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The Impulse

.Reading time 1 minute.
He thinks he owns wherever he sets his flag
And he wants me so bad
But I can see that he just wants to conquer ground
And lay claim to my sound
And there are many ways for the male
To set their sail
High up into the sky
But I would rather die
Than be anybody’s business 
So I will not be your mistress
Not any kind of bargaining chip
As you equip 
Your long guns and your cannons rare
To fire on what you feel is not fair 
And you train your pistol or your rifle 
On the girl who would dare trifle
With your reign 
You will not see me again 
As I take my leave 
For the sake of what you would believe
About me
Do you doubt me 
You will see
My home is in eternity
Not in a dishevelled pair of eyes
Who barely manage to uphold their disguise
By burying themselves in a girl 
Like she would be your world 
If you managed to make her comply
But like I said I cannot lie 
Empty as the grave I left 
It’s not me who’s bereft
As the sun without light
Solar power in moonlight

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The Veins Of Truth

.Reading time 3 minutes.
The veins of truth pour the blood through me
It’s back to my heart and it sets me free
And my skin may be purple, blue
But it’s not because of you 
I just wanted you to know
That it was long before we met I wanted to let go
And it was in response to 
A girl, I change the font to blue
To represent those days 
Because she cut in me in so many ways
By lines, by degrees 
Then with a sword when I was on my knees
And my grandmother had just passed
And I’m sitting in class
When she has just let me know 
That she can’t “relate” to the snow
That’s falling from my sky
And suddenly I want to die 
And the breaths I draw in are sucked not in the flow
And nobody seems to know 
It’s like steel in my blood to enter the school
And I used to keep every single rule
But it never did a thing to keep me from the deep end of the pool
And I’m just standing saying a prayer
Because we’re Catholic and the teacher is there
Til, suddenly, dizzy, I lose consciousness
And the person I used to address
As myself
Has been lost in the wealth 
Of light pouring from the sky
And though no one says hi
To me anymore
I don’t care coz the open door
Has just let me in 
And I didn’t need to win
The war she fought with tooth and nail 
The success was in the fail 
And I just let her go
To torment someone else slow 
I wonder will she change 
But I will always be the kind of strange
That sees the city in each pair of eyes
And I hope she never cries
But her docking port will not be here
She can call on the God that is ever near 
And see if he can rescue 
Her soul from what threatens you
I know I’m by the shore 
Waiting for the man I adore 
To finally swim to land
He does and I take his hand
Like it is precious ore
I am not who I was before 
But I can be all that I am 
If that’s okay with you, man

Run To The States

.Reading time 1 minute.
Run to the states
And they’re asking who it is she dates
And I’m so focused on 
People being gone 
That I can’t see them when they are here
And, Lord knows, I hold them dear
But I just cannot contort into shapes
The air in my lungs escapes
As I try to be the solid stance
Then a beautiful boy asks me to dance
And I say no because he wants a kiss
And I know I would miss
If I ever thought to try
I just wonder what will happen when we all die
And western society is obsessed with youth
It always seemed a little uncouth
At a three day wake
You’d swear the dead would make the ground quake 
And join in the festivity
All joking aside they are still with me
I feel my grandmother’s breath against my cheek 
And when I feel weak 
I know her prayers save my life
I don’t think she knew the strife
I walked through when she was alive
But I let the veil fall and our love survive
The transition out of form 
And she may not have been warm 
When she lay so still 
But her spirit never will 
Grow cold as the grave
She is the power that save
Me from my own mistakes 
I let her help and the fever breaks 

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Life Is A Tremulous Thing

.Reading time 3 minutes.
Life is a tremulous thing 
And a bird with only one wing 
Flies in a circle if she flies at all
I just remember running into the hall
And screaming bloody blue murder 
As I woke up from a sleep 
I had been held in the bed
By a weight I could not keep
And they all held like snooker balls
Atoms of air until they all fall
And weigh on me like turf
But I am released and I surf
The wave out of the room 
Imagine arms catching me with the sound of doom 
And my parents come to me in a flash
And I’m crying, trembling and I can’t put the genie back
In the bottle now that he’s been set free
Every time the phone rings my heart beats against the tree
I use to hold myself together 
Because the weather
Was unpredictable and strange
And no matter how stable it would always change 
As I lose a grandmother to the going away
And I must not cry because she could not stay 
But my ears are pulsing with the noise 
And the din rattles bones like they are play toys
As I always expect the next mute surrender
I gave in to always remember
The torture of losing love to the emptiness
Now the darkness starts to dress
Me in its own clothes and cloak 
Everything around me in the bespoke 
Am I just reading the dial 
When people look at me I fake a smile
So they don’t look to hard
And see the facade behind the business card
I hand out to everyone who wants to get in touch
And you’d never know I love you so much 
When I just stare into your soul 
Every wave is beautiful but they all roll
Into the one 
And every man is somebody’s son 
And deserves respect and compassion
Even when he sings about an assassin 
That lives in his heart
She aimed true though and took the part
He had been protecting out of the dark 
And I bet he was the better mark
In the end
I’d like to think she knows I’m a friend 
But all bullets find their way home
I guess that’s why she’s complete and I am alone 
With my own front facing tremor 
I don’t think I’d want to be on the good ship Endeavour 
Even if I was to stake a claim
And somehow make a name
For myself in the western based media 
But its not all what they feed to ya
As babies cry for mother they’ll never see 
I just don’t want that to ever be me

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A War Of Wills

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Me and Power had a war of wills 
And he flexed his skills 
In my direction 
But my selection 
Is to reside where I’ve always been 
And sit in the seat of a goddess or queen 
Somewhere in the avenue of soul 
I wander the grounds and I just roll
With the wave they want to crash
I’ve had better nights on the lash 
As he forces a pill into my hand 
Like he could inopportune the ocean with sand 
And he draws waifs on the beach
And comes to teach 
Me about the dragons that breathe fire
On the weak and never tire 
To seek out souls to ravage and dement 
He doesn’t realise I never went 
Away but to come again 
And I am not afraid of men 
Or of beasts that gnaw
What’s trembling me is the great thaw
As it steals aspects of my glacier 
I am the North Pole and I need ya 
To stem the flow of climate change
But I feel the days get strange 
As I see the ferocious that eats her 
And I know it wants to delete her
And she senses it too 
She’s not mad, she’s just looking into
The abyss and it’s looking back 
I look at the jenga I stack
And I know this house is gonna fall
And I’m not up for playing hard ball
With someone who thinks he knows
Why the woman is on the road 
I just flash him a glance
I think he knows there’s no second chance 

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The Darkest Shame

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The darkest shame is that I followed the clues 
That I thought would lead me to you 
And there were blue chalked streets and bears 
They say the fabric of my sanity tears
When I believe in secret tomes
And become one who roams 
The avenues of misty eyed tears
As the date nears 
And I cannot bear the truth
So I pulverise my own youth
By putting myself in their hands
Now after slipping sands 
Have run the hourglass down
I still feel like I want to drown 
Some where in all this emotion
It’s as though the road is an ocean 
I cannot climb into 
And it becomes a sprint to
The door
And I couldn’t have loved them more 
But somehow I feel the wilderness in my bones
And I refuse to answer my two phones 
When they call out to me
And I could’ve missed our history
In the avenue I let bleed
Because I know you need
Who I used to be
But its just that they have destroyed me 
In their attempts to keep the dark away
I just lay in the bay 
And it was not San Francisco 
Or some kind of cool fuckin’ disco 
It was like being drawn on a string 
So he could live on everything 
He ever thought he was 
And I take the hit because
I want him to be sky high
And not afraid to die 
A death on the floor 
I just want to prove I love him more 

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Reservoirs Of It

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I delved into the dark of night
And somehow I came out alright
Like that bright blue rose
I wandered the streets and I chose
Life over death
But I cannot forget 
The things I saw
And I blame everything on the great thaw
And I took a comic worth 50 cent
Out of a box and away I went 
But I felt bad and I repaid 
The charity for my shade
And you can say it was poor mental health
But I still felt the cards were dealt
Harshly and I take a couple hundred euro 
And leave it in an envelope to secure ya 
In my attempt at redemption 
I actually never told the priest at the intervention
But it was because I had forgotten 
And because I sensed I was not well gotten 
By that particular son of Christ 
So I said what I could splice
And took my shit and ran 
And the only place that can 
Fail to make a demon of me 
Is the place where the hellish ghouls were set free
And they came to devour what they could 
I swore that they wanted blood
And the psychiatrist said it was just my mind 
And that sanity was only something I could find 
In pills and therapy 
But the silence gets the best of me 
When I sit across from a nurse
Asking me how it might have hurt
And all I can think is that his eyes are oceans 
And they convey seafaring waves of emotion
And if he was a colour it would be green 
Like the t-shirt he wears and all we could have been 
If only he had been single
And I had been coherent enough to mingle 
But I take the easy route 
As my lover plays the flute 
Somewhere far away and I see
That it’s only cloaking the mystery 
To realise 
That even the beautiful dies
When faced with its own fragility
I let them wound the hurt in me

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The Achilles Heel

.Reading time 1 minute.
The Achilles Heel
Is that I know how you feel
And I spilt those words
Not because I’m away with the birds
But because I wanted you to know
You’re not alone when you move slow
Like a glacier cutting through rock
And I pretended to be something I’m not 
And there’s only so long I can keep it up
Like the sound of you and her making love
It echoes in my mind 
I try to leave it behind 
But it’s imprinted like a dice
That rolled on me for being too nice
To you when you would have devoured
All of the women that you empowered 
With your subtle soul 
And a boy becomes man when he gets old
But I don’t think I like 
Being the wrong side of your spite
And when you bite
Your teeth sink in
That is why I am not with him 

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Gunpowder Flame

.Reading time 1 minute.
I knocked the wall down with the force of my kick
And there are people who say he’s a dick
But I rebel against that categorisation 
And do my own investigation
And after years of sifting through pages
I’ve realised that my heart rages
To be let out of its cage
And make love to the man I found in a past age
And I was eighteen and six months older
And he was a man just rolling a boulder
Up a hill, he could never reach the top
I was pretending to be something that I am not
And somehow he saw the queen 
In between the subterfuge and the dream 
I left the door wide open when I walked out
So that my intentions would not be in doubt
You can follow me anywhere I go
I’ll let out in, you know
He held me close and I fell slow
Into his arms
And none of his charms
Are wasted
But what I tasted 
Were his innocent eyes
Somewhere in between the disguise
And now everybody knows
That he’s the one my soul chose

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The Look You Scarce Can Hide

.Reading time 2 minutes.
There is a look you scarce can hide
Not even when you’re by her side 
And I can see the way she don’t reach
Into the lessons you long to teach
And she may be fine by the beach
But she’s not the one to help you sleep 
By her side 
And you are alive
But you’re in a lot of pain 
I can feel it in the rain 
That pours from your eyes
And if the hero dies
Is the story over 
And I don’t even know her
But I know enough to say
She is not me, okay
And you will never find your truth
In the prism of your youth 
Thinking you’ve won the war
Not realising what it’s for 
And you swore you had one over on me 
But I just set you free
And I know I may not see you again 
Not in this form so I look at other men
And they are wonderous and pure
But I am still fuckin’ sure 
That you’re the one I long to be with 
And I’m not gonna call her a bitch
Just because some theft’s going on 
And I may be gone 
But I still feel you wish 
For my lips to meet your kiss
Like they did on the first day
Our palm to palm and then away
Into the pub where no alcohol is served
And I observed 
That when I swerved 
Away from you
You still pondered what to do
And if you could reach over to me
But thank you for letting me be free
I was too young for sex
Or committing to what you wanted to do next
And I returned several years later
And was enamoured til I realised you date her
All the while I poured my soul 
Into your begging bowl
And you see yourself as pathetic and weak 
Because you did not speak 
Up when you felt the cue
But I’ve always seen the king in you
And he rules the realm of my heart
It only gets stronger since we’ve been apart 

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The Birth Of Meaning

.Reading time 2 minutes.
We sang to “Don’t Stop Believing” 
I was eighteen and we’d just won
Our souls in the starring of the sun
And those girls were my life
I had no notion of being a wife 
But you walked right in the door
And suddenly I’m not my own anymore 
As you just look through the facade and you
Can see I’m red in the places where you’re blue
Now fast forward fifteen years 
And you have had your fair share of tears 
With a woman you swear is the one
But I can see you, son
And your anger bubbles water 
Over that goddess daughter 
And she looks past what you are 
I can see the star
In you grow dim
And her disappointment when she looks at him 
That she don’t recognise 
That emotion in his eyes
And I would love to emote
And play him back my favourite quote
That I stole from his page 
Like a note in school that’s all the rage
As we pass it to one another
And I know you’ve got a lover 
But it doesn’t dim the want
And it haunt
As I know he’s foreign property
I just don’t want her to fight with me
Not even over you
Interrupt your wedding to exclaim that you
Are the one for me 
And set you free
From the chains you chose
But it was from the dead He rose 
And shone the light
And though I see your kryptonite
I can’t use it against you
There is no defense you 
Can use to hide from me 
So I retreat and abide in the sea
Between two opposite pairs of land
Does she ever take your hand 
And mean what I did 
I heard it in your voice as you hid
From me on the phone
So I will leave it alone 
And commit myself to a mental institution
Because that is the only solution
That will keep me from profess
That a white dress
Was never needed to be wed
And it doesn’t matter who you have in bed
You’ll always be the flame that burns
But it’s not from books that he learns 

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An Evidential Basis For Trust

.Reading time 1 minute.
The Angel burst through my skin
And in that moment I was One with Him 
The impervious, the crystalline 
And some people do hard time 
Trying to live up to
A purpose they are longing to 
Embody
And shoddy 
I wander the streets
Til something in me meets 
The end of the road
So I lay down the load
And ask to be taken to the sky
It is not the same as to die
I whisper to Stephen 
That there are things I can’t help believing 
And I tell him that I write
He flexes his eyebrows and I wonder if the sight
Will ever leave my mind
That he did not leave me behind 
In that moment true
Like she had done too 
In the moments that we held 
And she weld 
Her steel to the iron 
It masks the way I’m lying 
About all I am 
And the plan
Scares me to death
And I spill the regret 
That I’ve been holding in my soul 
To someone who would roll 
The waves upon my shore
He shone on me like an open door 
And in the midst of that smile 
I was okay for a while 

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The Agony Of Being Pure At Heart

.Reading time 2 minutes.
She brushed past me like I meant nothing at all
To her and I stare at the wall
Something has erected between us
Have we wrecked it or did we dream it
And she is ethereal and she is true
But dare I spill my heart to you
Because I can see all your flaws
And the places where the sun thaws
All your ice into fluid water 
And no daughter 
Is exactly like what has come before 
I open the door
And you’re still behind it
I know I’m aloof but I wouldn’t mind it
It’s just a detachment I cultivate
So no one can read my state 
And who I am 
Just dropped outside the plan 
When I was fourteen years old
And wouldn’t do what I was told
I collapsed on the floor
And an open door
Let me out of the dark
And yet I still bear the mark 
Of those two months in depression
It is my ardent confession 
That it was for love of loss
That I took up my cross
And walked with it to Calvary 
I know he didn’t mean to startle me
When he just saw my truth
And I may have been a youth
But I am also ancient, old 
Must I wait until the story is told
To reveal the core
Beyond all the “I love you more”
I just want him to know exactly who I am 
And Kilglass may never win Sam 
But I give my heart and soul to the team 
In the years I’d build a dream 
Til a voice on the sideline 
Puts me on for a minute of time
And the embarrassment colours my skin 
Like talking on the phone to him 
When he pulls the rug I shared out from under me
And if he’s setting me free
I’m gonna fly away
Not wait around for what he’s gonna say 
About my season 
If women are love and men are reason 
Give me compassion any day
And let the rest just fade away

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The Entertain

.Reading time 1 minute.
The entertain 
Holds all the rain 
And I can never discover 
What is undercover
As they hold each and every secret
But would they know how to keep it
If I split each and every end of hair 
I answer their questions like a prayer 
I turn my face away
When they say 
All is just ash and timber
In the crematorium where I am limber
And they move with the masses
The last time I was in classes
I towed the line
Til the voice said; it is time 
And I departed to the foreign shore
And I know he loved me more
Than I can countenance 
And our first dance
Will be by our death bed 
I keep my closets in the shed 
And I would have hidden them away
Til I caught him say
I love you true 
But he’s got a woman and I don’t want to 
Break into her scene 
If this place is really a dream 
Then would I like to forestall the waking 
I draw in each breath that I’m taking 
Until my mouth is dry
And people threaten to die
All the time
I collapsed and the light sublime
Encased me like a drug
But I don’t know if I should 
Reveal 
All I feel 
The Eternal that made me kneel 

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Kings And Queens

.Reading time 2 minutes.
We were the kings and queens of Longford town
When we wandered around
And we would slip away to the mall
Or the shopping centre, shall
We make this dice roll
I never found my soul 
In any of the boys I met
Til I found you in a state of regret
Mired by your own burning timber
But the flames warm my hands and the cinders
Throw light upon my darkened frame
What did you say your name
Was 
Because
It was a beautiful echo
Is it something that we wreck though 
When we fight and storm
Ten years later and what once was warm 
Now burns my skin
So I close the door on him 
Is it something that I regret? 
No, but I still cannot forget
The sound of his breath
As he drew in a gasp
As I twirl the asp 
Between my thumbs
I really thought you were the one
But you ruled yourself out 
Of that qualification and my mouth
Can’t seem to hold in the truth
That I loved you in our youth 
So I just cut the line
And if you want to call me that’s just fine
But you won’t reach me on that number 
And if we were younger
We could chalk it up to our age
Now my blackboard is this page
As I write you over and over 
And I don’t even know her 
So I keep my financial distance
And your resistance 
Is not needed, my friend
The beginning of this was the end 

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The Desire To Be Alone

.Reading time 1 minute.
The desire to be alone
And I throw away my fuckin phone
I let the number go dead
So if you call you’ll get a dial tone instead
Not that you do
Not that I expect that of you
I shut off the facebook and the gram 
I hope you understand
I close all avenues of communication
So that your elation 
Cannot perforate 
My darkened state 
As I lean into who I am 
And the plan
Is just to grow my wings
My heart sings 
It’s own refrain 
And the pain 
Is like the feathers bursting from my skin 
Oh, the power that is within
And I know my friends 
May need me to make amends 
In a future state
But I cannot ignore this date 
As it announces itself inside me
And I feel I have to hide me 
From all seeing eyes
But to be myself is just a disguise
That no one seems to recognise 
And the lies 
Are just that the true
Is something which issues from you
Unselfconsciously 
Oh, what he did to me! 

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The Riverbed

.Reading time 1 minute.
I read a book about the riverbed
And the man working out in the shed
Turned out to be 
A grandfather that had been missing me 
Since his passing 
And it’s classing
Things as one or the other 
That separates you from your brother 
In arms or truth
And misspent youth
Is no secret to keep 
The days I’ve been dying in my sleep 
Trying to fly
And I know that you die
Every day I think of you 
Because separation between us two 
Is not something I can stare
Down and just not care 
It’s been over twenty two years 
And it’s still as fresh today
I asked God to never take away
The wound so raw
But the great thaw
Is stilling the pain
And the blood just falls on me like rain
As I give up the grain
That stains the wood I lean upon 
The tree of me that is long gone 
And it crumbled in the storm
They say they were trying to keep me warm 
But it was their ice that burned my core
And I don’t want to be part of it anymore
So I escape to America 
I can’t say why the esoterica 
Always calls to me 
And points me to the door to the free
That opens from within 
And in my heart I find him 

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The Fervent Hope

.Reading time 1 minute.
I can feel the fervent hope start to diminish 
As I watch the age of us finish 
And a new one begin 
It’s not about who win
As the demons drag me under
And the thunder 
Knows no bounds
When it comes to overwhelming sounds
I’m stuck in St. Pat’s
With the pain turned up to max
And all the doctors just attack
Me with their pills
It’s like a display of wills 
As they try to force me to obey
And fall into their particular sway
And say “it’s just psychosis” 
But I have always been precocious 
And spit back at them
“I swear if you say that again 
I will bring the full weight of the world
Down to earth to be hurled
At your statin skin”
Then I just look away from him 
Because he never hears me 
And the day just nears me 
When it will be revealed
And all the life congealed
Like a scab on my finger 
I’m a poet, some kind of singer
Who has a melody in her mind
And just because I left it behind
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still ring true
I blackmail the best of you
Into submission
And my commission
Is a death most profound
I did it coz I hear the sound
Of echoes infinite 
I woke up in the dead of night

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Visions Of Hell

.Reading time 1 minute.
The fire burns every goddamn city
I don’t know but are you with me 
As the buildings fall
I try to stave off it all
But I feel it encroach
Is it a subject I dare to broach
With the entertain
Will all these words have been in vain 
If I just spill them onto a sheet
Never being one to ever meet
Them in the public sphere 
I can sense that danger is near
And that if we do not shift course
The next generation will be filled with remorse
For what they have to face
They tell me to just fall into place
Fall into line
But I can sense the time 
Slipping away
And yet it is still today
Every day I wake
And I know I must do something for their sake
Before they die in flames 
With no one even knowing their names 
They say the end is fire and ice
But we can end the night
We face every day
Just stand with me, don’t look away

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Flat And Old

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
The deadness that she emanates
Is flat grey and it equates
Right with wrong
Do you hear the song
That goes unheard
When she kills the bird
Of a true love season
And it is almost without reason
The sky turns black
She turns to me and she attack
Everything with which she does not agree
Because she is “protecting” me
I want her to just fuck off
So I get lost
Because she’s as saturated by the sin
Of all that she can’t be with him
And I forgive the mask of acceptance
That says it is just self rejection
She lives through
I don’t want anything to do with you

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The Faraway Thread

.Reading time 1 minute.
The faraway thread 
Makes my bed 
As I stare into a future that I may never meet
Give up the present moment as it comes to greet
Me with its washing acceptance 
And the rejection 
Of her gaze when she berates 
Is what led me to equate
Love with pain 
Like the sky with rain 
But spaciousness breaks the shell 
And though I wish them well 
I can’t say it’s what I would have chosen 
In my mind they are proposing 
Different vagaries of the same old thing
And I asked him would he give me a ring 
When I thought his mire
Would set me on fire
Now my guides say to me
You’ve got to let the bitterness go free
And let him back into your life
Even if you will not be his wife 

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Gripped By The Drama

.Reading time 1 minute.
She marks the queen line of her reign
And her kingdom is built on pain 
With little scatterings of love
That seem to have come from above
As gifts from on high
But we all die
And it’s something she cannot avoid
So she just gets annoyed
With me when I speak my mind
And I live my life feeling left behind 
As I try to meet the mark of high standard
But the old group have all disbanded 
And I’m left on my own 
The flowers are grown 
But I cannot smell their fragrant bloom
When trouble is in the room
The kind of grey that kills the butterfly 
And I don’t know why
Anyone would reside
In a place they feel they have to hide
Their true self from all and sundry
And it is just a bank holiday Monday
That I make the muse
And the power to choose
Is just leaving the nest 
Of the season that knows me best 

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Low Vibes

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
She rings of the pain she’s suffered 
And all the dreams she doesn’t want uncovered 
Because she’s betrayed her own heart
And become a slave to the taking part 
In the guise of a good foe 
She loves me but she will not let me go
Go be what I am 
There is always some kind of plan
That I must fulfil
And bow to her will 
And she drags me under
When I do not obey her thunder
That claps me on the back
As If I should enjoy the map 
Handed to me
But I am uncharted, I’ll be set free

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The Erosion Of Despair

.Reading time 2 minutes.
They come with their tanks and their bombs 
And their hidden intentions
And the last thing they want
Is to be in your mentions
As you call them out
A genocide that you cannot doubt
As they ethnically cleanse
This will not come to an end
Til they have erased the evidence of a people
And the steeple
Is no deterrent to the war
They bomb the mosque and what it’s for
Coz they have a reign
And a plan to occupy again
What they designate as theirs
And the west is like “who fuckin cares”
We’ll just watch over here from our couch
And stay silent as a mouse
In a house of cats
While the baseball bats
Of white phosphorous burns 
And history never learns 
Not to repeat itself 
Be quiet or your mental health
Will take another knock
But they level another block
In the name of fighting terror
Do you think their error
Might be in the lifeless body a mother holds
Like the stories that they’ve told
Of their own past and legacy
Do the brutalised visit their pain on me 
When they repeat the cycle
And it is vital
That we all recognise
That whenever anyone dies 
At the hand of another
There are no qualifications in that murder
Under the guise of attack as a “sacred” role
The logic of that is pulverise a soul
Til it gives up the fight
And you can sit by the firelight
Warming your hands 
And say these are our lands
To conquer and to own
What will be the reflection when the true colour’s shown

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The Stellar Brand Of Truth

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Do I dash my own hopes
And they wonder how she copes
As they slash and burn
Get in line so everyone gets a turn
At the aching of the mending fences torched
And she dreamt of a life on the front porch
Sipping tea with her chosen one
Now she fears that her son
Will tear her down 
And she left the town
Only to want to go back
And none of those fuckers know jack
About who you are
And every star
Turns into a black hole
Don’t let them take your soul
When they tear at your skin
But you found it in him
And I know I’m not alone
When I click the link on my phone

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Excommunication

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Girl, you crossed the line
Like ten thousand times 
And I slowly decided within
That if it ever became a choice between you and him
I would choose the latter
And the clatter 
Of steel on steel 
Still rings in the heart I feel 
And the midnight may be blue
But I am still better off without you
You thought I’d come crawling back
Like I did before
But I don’t give a fuck anymore
So I let you make your own bed
And lay in it out in the shed
And you make the perfect ploy
But I am with the boy
And he is kind to me 
And your absence means I’ve been set free
From your crawling skin
As you try to make me sin
So the door hits you on your way out
And I stifle a laugh over my mouth
Coz you were never good to green 
And it’s nothing that we’ve been 
If you’re looking for me to relay
The Disney Movie I had on play
And it all started in 2001
I felt sorry so I went to you, hun
But you turned your barbs on me 
When I only ever wanted to set you free
And I guess you had to learn 
That when you strike a match it will burn
And I am all fire soul 
Not some kind of role
You can manipulate 
And it doesn’t matter who you date
You’ll never see my like again 
And I bury my hatchet in men
And that guy held me like shattered glass
And I’ve got to say it was fucking class
In the wilderness
I thought I had to pass a test 
But it’s unconditional 
I thought it was empty but the cup is full
When I go to drink
And the sign on the wall said to think
So I broke the secret that we all miss
And Heaven was my first kiss

The Flight Of The Earls

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Everybody abandoned ship 
And I felt the guns equip
Themselves with a welt of ammunition
And I was in no fit condition
To defend myself from their pleas
That I must live my life on my knees 
But I feel a change a grow
And if you weren’t there you wouldn’t know
So, I just talk to Kevin 
And the number eleven 
Still rings true
Do I just let it happen to you
That divine death in the soul 
I walk to the edge of the earth bowl 
And the mists encase the sea
There’s a Loch Ness Monster in the vicinity
And it’s staring at me
Do I run
Do I go get my gun
To kill what’s just unknown 
And when the birds have flown
Will there be anything left
He cut me to the quick and he was deft 

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The Revisit

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Do I revisit the pain
Or do I just love you again
Because I know you’re longing for
An open door 
In front of the vault I closed
And I chose 
To be the lone wolf on the hill
You try to close it in but I never will 
In the absence of stain
Do I just let the rain
Pour down on the sea
It’s all water if you ask me
And the universe is mystery
In the folds of a dress
Of a goddess you’d never guess
Was running things
And a pair of wings
Burst from my back
Because I lack 
Anything approaching civility
So I accept the restrictions they place on me
In the name of their forced normality
The biggest offenders are he and she
Who claim
To do this in my name
Now I have welts on my back
All because I lost the jack
When my car broke down
And they drove me through the town
And I fought like hell
But they still wish me well
With their bucket list dreams
And it echoed the screams 
In their own soul 
I’m not playing their favourite role 
In the battle to be seen 
Did you think I would live the dream 

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Interesting Stories

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You could bridge the gap
But it’s not to be found on any map 
Or ideology
And if you’re trying for me
You’ve got to know you’re gonna lose
And the power to choose 
Is something you’ve lost 
When you made me pay the cost
For all that you could not bear
The baby laughed when the paper tear
And I rediscover my own joy
And you may be just a boy
To bear witness to
The multitude of what I am to do
In this inferno called life
I will never be your wife
Or you mistress or lover 
Find someone else to enjoy undercover
And you say in a belligerent tone
And say “well, I’m not alone”
Good I spit back 
And your name is stupid Jack 
It sounds like something that you lack
Rather than a website I’d like to hack
But it’s a lie because I spent my time
Stealing into you like it was a crime
And the thief in me 
Holds belief in all we’ve come to be
In infinity 
Just not in the physical dimension 
And if it’s just an extension 
Of your persona
Then I would phone ya
But I burnt that bridge 
And you’re standing on Hacksaw Ridge 
Just asking me to let you go
But I can’t, you know 
So I tow the line 
And agree to let time
Ameliorate the changes between us
Did I dream us
Up in 2011
Like earth had become a heaven
In the midst of hell
I know it sucks but I wish you well