Your eyes burn into mine

As our bodies intertwine

Here out in open space

No water left to displace

I don’t want to face the pain of loving
Because loving means loss
I know what you say
But I still know who’s boss
And it’s not any woman and it’s not any man
It’s the moment when you realise no one can
Bring back who’s gone
There’s music in the song
But goodbye means forever and I know that it’s wrong
But sometimes I wish the other side of the hill
Was something I could touch with the force of my will
But life plays hard ball and forces me to learn
That as the axis spins so my life must turn
On the only revolution I’ve ever known
To wish myself dead when I’m only half grown
And surrender to the mystery in the defeat
I threw myself at the Lord’s feet
And he picked me up when I couldn’t see
I was still standing so it must have been He
Who gave in to the footprints in the sand
I needed proof to understand
That I do not walk alone when the forest is thick
I asked for a meaning and true love is It
Like a doubting Thomas with his hands in Christ’s side
I am the only one who abide
When all is said and done and the mists have cleared
Come out of hiding, He said and they cheered
For there’s more going on than I expect
They attribute the meaning to be my reputation wrecked
But they are unforgiven in all that they know
I walk in the garden and I must show
You all the flowers that I have tended
All of the fences that I have mended
All of the bridges that have been crossed
Though broken and bruised, all is not lost
For darkness and light, they interweave
And it’s a poor truth to say you believe
Come on forest children, surely you must know
He would not let you lose if you didn’t want to let go
Of all of the land that has been reclaimed
My God has shown me each one of you are Named
As the daughters of the true Zion in King
He is the nature of everything

The sound of my freedom is ringing bells
And I don’t care if I’m going to hell
Because at least I’m going there with you
And I’d follow you even if you didn’t want me to
He moves in waves and oceans of cloaks
And he gives rise to all my hopes
Opening like an undulating sea
And he’s not even talking to me
As he holds a pen and asks me if I
Want one too and I try
Not to break from all the suspense
Should I tell Ben he’s heaven sent
To walk this earthly plane with us
And all I feel is all this trust
In everything that we could be
And fuck, the way he is looking at me
As if he is testing the water
Does he not know he caught her
An eon ago before time was born
And that I have been so forlorn
Waiting for the day that I
Realise we don’t have to die
To be reunited as the eternal we are
Immense space and a bright star

If twinkle in the eye was a person
You’d win a grammy, no rehearsing 
And the sunshine that breaks a smile
I could sit on that side of the fence for a while
Because everything’s naked and everything’s pure
And it’s a long time since I’ve been demure
I walk with robotic arms
And everyone thinks that all my charms 
Are non existent 
But they’re just resistant
To the thread I’m pulling through
All to sew the tapestry of You

Are you Deezie in disguise
I hate the thought when I look in your eyes
Coz she ripped my flesh from the bone
And she set fire to my home
And as I watched it all burn down
I was actually glad to exit that town
And I look at her in the rearview sky
How a former friend could let you die
On a bed of nails she crafted herself
But I was born into wealth
And it starts to shine from my skin
It was then I ran into him
And the fear caught in my throat
What if this one is the GOAT?

But the archives retain some of their strength
As I wonder what you meant
When you said you would never let me down
But I’m Beyoncé and I start to drown
In a room made of water
Just someone’s girl, just someone’s daughter
And women never turn into men
So could we just play this again
Coz I hate the thought of being mother
Until I see you in the arms of another
And John sings of a lover but I cannot be
What the world wants of me
Just another shade of next to no one
Now I wonder who it was holding the gun

And it’s her birthday and she hits the diff
Lost in a spiralling staircase of what if
As the layers are peeled back like a sticker
And my heart starts to beat quicker
When I let him meet my eyes
Because I know there are no lies
In whatever is held between us
No half truths, you can’t imagine trust
And I brought him home in my car
And as I wonder what you are
I know I can’t do this to him
Watch the end begin
In the moment of the sunset days
I just wish he knew how many ways
I had him painted in my head
Now I just turn off the light when I go to bed

Will I ever see you again
Because I made poetry out of what I saw in men
Because on a hill there lies
The part of me that dies
Every time I see somebody tougher
And if you asked me if I still love her
I would have to say yes
Will we speak again, it’s anyone’s guess
All I know is I see you down on one knee
Promising it all to me
So that I can spill the beans
On how nightmares can turn into dreams
But I can’t play the tape on repeat
Just so I can fall at your feet
It was not a relationship that broke me
It was the lie long believed that woke me
Up to exactly what I am
So don’t mourn over the loss of Sam
Because that cup is in the bag
I remember the day I lost the rag
With you on the phone
Please, just don’t leave me alone

Knowing that I’ll die tomorrow what can I do today
Whether that tomorrow be tomorrow, a minute or a light year away
And I run into someone who paints the sky
In the perfect poetry of giving me a reason why
Why this is all worth it, the hurt and the pain
There’s no flower that grows that hasn’t known rain
No crystal that hasn’t been purified by silence
The weight of the world’s crushing violence
Can we burst into the vivid colour of truth
Are children only an aspect of youth
Or are they something that blossoms and blooms
Listen as peace fills up the room
And I’m driven distracted by my own mind
And the persistent feeling I’ve left someone behind
How do I catch it like I’d catch a cold
I step out on the plank because I am bold
But I am turning pirate in my own skin
I look for him everywhere but the Captain within
Can’t save me from my own void
And in its abyss I am destroyed
As all I’ve known myself to be
I let go of the rope and finally see
That sentience is as sentience does
And the heart of the matter is that all is love
I pick you up every time you fall
Life takes care of life on the wall
And if I were to lose it all
I’d still hear the call from down the hall
As I wake up at 3am
Does the laughter arise in the midst of the game
Because the sunset caught my eye
What would you do today if you knew you wouldn’t die? 

There’s a ferocity in me that could burn a city
And I walk in silence with their self pity
Coz I’m chomping at the bit
And I know I can take any hit
They could ever launch
Even when I dip my toe in raunch
But I need chains to hold me back
It is not evidence of something that I lack
The beast inside me roars when I see the lonely girl
Who looks out unto the world
And the child without a mother
Sister without a brother
All the crimes they’ve ever done
And what if I am the one
To nail the coffin shut, what if I strike wrong
Because this is not a song
This is a battle cry
And when I scream it someone will die
By my hand
I don’t need you to understand
Just to be prepared
Because a better man would be scared
Of all I am capable of
It’s just I do it in the name of love

I’ve a darkness in my soul in which I’d love to roll
But all of the cadences take a toll
And why can I not reach the other side
I never wanted to be a white bride
Just a jeans and t shirt kind of girl
That you could someday make your world
And you let me come close enough just so
To other men, then they must let me go
And I am not trying to subvert your authority
But why do you dangle this chain in front of me
And let me lock eyes with him
If I never get to speak those words again
To anyone but you
It’s unfair what you put me through
That is not to say I let you go
But why must you torture someone who will never get to know
The fire of my cocaine soul
If you are the only dragon with which I roll
Do not let me fall for them
If I don’t get to utter Amen
At the end of the prayer
I only loved him because you were not there
And it’s a siphon to my soul to admit
That I will have to quit
The drug that I am on
But it’s only when I know that you’re not gone
And I sit on the floor with these pieces of broken glass
A guy by my side or a break in the class
And the guilt is overwhelming because you
Let someone else fall for you too
Coz I emanate the love you gave
And I’m not the only soul you save
With that heavenly light
Don’t worry ‘bout me, I am alright
Spare a thought for the ones I’ve caught
They are people I’ve loved, not caught
For all the commerce in a trade
I never made a bargain I could not braid
Into the confines of my hair
Why did you not love me when I was there?

The stardust days of imagining what it would be like to be married to you
And we have a daughter and she’s grown to look up to
The man I’ve come to know
As the place my soul will always go
When it’s set on any kind of sea
The true North always anchoring me
And your smile breaks like a wave across your face
When you look at me with eyes that Heaven could not replace
With rays of finest silver and hues of perfect gold
And there’s no story we share that’s ever been told
As we relay in intimacy
The things that have come to be 
Mere reflections of each other in the world 
And you were just a boy and I was just a girl
We were young and green
And you were only seventeen
But so much older than me in ways 
There is an old stone I sit by that sometimes says
It knew you in a former life
And now I hold hands and look at your wife
As she looks on at me
And she’ll have to forgive the moment that we
Share in every single Now 
Because like the branch that the tree will bough
You just grow from me
And we weave together eternally
In some kind of shadow that crosses your eyes 
And something inside me dies
Every time I see you lost
I collapse as you exhaust 
Me with the trauma of a thousand tremoring blows 
And only God knows
Where you are now and my old speed dial
Hasn’t reached your number for a while
I pray that you’re okay
And that somehow my words will reach you someday 
My love, you are my every answered prayer
And love is knowing that You are there

There’s a fragile peace that cracks across his smile
And God knows I haven’t seen it in a while
And when they say it reaches into your eyes 
I can see the recognition that it all dies
And I lean in close so you feel my fire
Before the world spins round and the anchor tire
Of pulling me into the ground
But you have always been the softest sound
That ever fell into my ears
An I’ve been listening for years and years
Under weight and encumberation
Before iTunes was a radio station 

We’re all just walking each other home
Isn’t that right, Dominic King
And I know that you wish you were still sitting on that swing
With her by your side
Like I wish you were still alive
With your silver eyes and your cool dark cloud
Just know you made me so proud 
And it’s one last rainy day under a stormy sky
I held you in my arms and I felt you die
Felt you depart
That last beat of your heart
You know the one with me in your eyes
It’s been twenty years and still my cries
Sob out as I collapse on the floor
And I fell in love with the brother you adore
And I’d follow him anywhere across the whole scene 
But this thing we’re doing is someone else’s dream
I looked at you as you read your book
And I knew I’d never get a second look 

He moves in shadows and I sense his presence
He doesn’t say anything and I’m still only guessing
His eyes hold mine and it’s like a sin
When will he realise I only want him
And it’s not about wives and picket fences and lawns
It’s the gaping black hole when he is gone
And the sun that pours through it like an eternal star
When we look into what we are
He laughs, he looks at me, I stifle a grin
I cannot lose so I let him win

There’s a darkness in your eyes 
That catches me by surprise
It happens when you look up from your guitar
And I can see into what you are
Then moving turning heads
Scanning scenes and raking dread
Singing of the moment you take her to bed 
And I’m sitting here wishing it was me instead
But the moment moves on like the lilt in your voice
And I can’t agree with you because I’m not pro choice
And you’re standing in the street and you’re tweeting up a storm
But I just keep thinking of what it must be like to be unborn
To be warm in the room, with heat on every side
And some scientists say you’re not really alive
Til you come out, all guns blazing
Screaming with the mother who you’re going to be raising
And I can’t kneel and break a twig on the ground
Without knowing reverence or the reverb of the sound
And they’re plucking all the strings and laying chords in line
But that is not what makes real music beat in time
Now the gravel is crunching underneath my feet
These people I admire that I would love to meet
To sit down and talk with and see from their point of view
I know we are different but I walk the avenue 

The perfect man doesn’t exist
I blinked and I missed
My ride down the road
And another car slowed
But I waved him on
Because I was still looking at what was gone
He honks the horn
But does he know the day I was born
I turn and meet his eyes
But the lies
Extrapolate
And I can feel them pulling me into that state
It wasn’t a date
But irate
Is just beneath the surface
And I’m “perfect”
For a moment or two
But you don’t really know me, do you
I know I give off
The energy of little girl lost
But I find my way
And I listen as someone else say
“I am a hopeless child”
Then hand me their keys
But I know they’re just faking being on their knees
Because they want me to do
Something they consider too low for blue
I roll my eyes, exasperation
How did I get caught in this situation
Coz he hangs on me
Like a branch on a tree
Always waving in the wind
Trying to orchestrate the avoidance of sin
And it might be him but it was never me 
And I can see him see my dignity
In the hands of a man
All wifed up and under a plan 
That he holds in his pocket
But I still keep David’s name in a locket
In my car
Somewhere hidden not too far
But a place no one will look
And I don’t even chance the good book
Anymore
Because, a stór
I know I’ll see something I can sense already
And my nerves may be rock steady
But my heart is like a nail you break
And it stings every time I look at your face

I watch him categorise 
Click the lock on the lies
Like I’m a briefcase he takes to work
I know he says it coz he knows it hurts
And I’m feeling like a headcase on the floor
Looking at the space where he closed the door
And I want to laugh and I want to cry
And I hear him wish that I would die
It’s screamed in my face, it’s pounded on the desk
It’s something I want to put to rest
So I dive into spirituality and hope my soul will be saved
He crashed into my dreams and my will caved 
As he found a weak spot and the music played 
And I feel so guilty coz I knew you had a girl
I saw it in her eyes when she looked up at the world 
That shone out from you when you looked into her
And I’m dizzy so I lie on the floor
How did it get to this
He doesn’t even know I exist 
And I try to move on and leave you behind 
But you have a key to the diary of my mind 
And you ease yourself in through a crack in the glass when I’m looking away
You look at me realise and ask if you can say
And you’re taking everything away from me
I used to be wild, I used to be free
Now I’m just a woman brooding over a man
Knowing the hold that I never can 
Seem to break and he wishes his life away
But I cherish every moment and I wish it would stay
Instead of flowing like water through the gaps in the dam 
How did I become what I am
A carbon copy of what’s gone before 
Just a printed press of nothing more 
Than the wilful abandon of sacrifice
You know the people that think they are nice
Because they’ve given it all up
For the sake of love
But they’re tired and they’re drained
Like clouds after it’s rained 
And the rivers are full
How do I resist this unearthly pull
Into what you let me see
I just didn’t think it would capture me 

The midnight expanse opened up like a dark jewel that just drew me in
And it’s not complicated or as elaborate as him
And everything I say as I try to find ground
Is lost in the escalation of his self serving sound
And he comes to me alone and broken as hell
Wraps his arms around my waist like all too well
And I try to shut him out but the faceless observer 
Does anything he can just to unnerve her
And I’m lying in my bed and it’s mid July
And I can feel him make another try
And I don’t want to see him so I blur his features
He’s just another one of these unknowable creatures
Coz he’s got a wife and a partner at home
So why is he blowing up my phone
He pushes in close and I try to resist 
But escaping him is like running through mist
He’s everywhere and I turn within
Am I afraid of myself or afraid of him
I can hear the homewrecker knock around my brain
Says you know that you would be causing her pain
And I try to come to grips with the moment
But you just own it
And I know you don’t respect my boundary 
You lie to her when you lie with me
And I hate myself, I hide it in screams
My pillow knows all the versions of what I have been
And he promises me forever and that he will leave
And I’m not sure if it’s something I want to believe 
Because there’s something in the hinterland like I ghost of a whisper 
I saw that photo, I watched as you kissed her
And I see you lean over and through
Reach into a part of her that’s not meant for you
And she just let you do it
And you put me through it
Tied out on a string like whiskey and wine
I look away and they tell you I’m fine
And your rage bursts through the tone in your voice
I try to understand, like I have a choice
I try to fix it coz I don’t want bad blood
But you play the victim like it is all good
Spit venomous words down the line
I try to explain for the thousandth time 
Coz I “deserve it” somehow, all this spewing hate
Because I never did agree to that date
And you sat alone with a bottle in your hand 
Drunk the last swallow of your life as a man
And I was nowhere to be seen
Just somewhere in a dream
Watching from afar
As that car
Careened over the hill
Was it one or the both of us you wanted to kill?

He asks me about the weather as it’s replacing time
I brush away his complaints and tell him it’s fine
Coz there’s no far away that he ever could go
That my love would not follow him, so
Though his locks are all fading and his eyes start to dim
I confess on my knees that my prayers are for him
Not merely for a happy reconciliation
Where I congratulate him on his life and station
But bursting through the gates and in through the doors 
As we make it worth the one plus all fours 
Interplayed between a disposing sigh
I know that this heat will never die
As we explore and we make room
But something crashes in and it sounds like doom
And it moans and it roars and it breaks all the gates
And we’re torn apart as though it’s the will of the fates
And I cry in my room with my paper and ink
I remember the rebellion when the board told me to THINK 
And I could hear him in echos somewhere by the dresser
I stare down at the carpet like I’m his confessor 
And he whispers things I don’t want to hear
So I make allusions to something becoming clear
Somewhere in the future, in three years time
I was fifteen years old and kissed by the sublime
And now we are mounting like stacks of old compost
The decades between us keeping us honest
And he has his pride and adequate sound
I just don’t know if he wants me around 
Because he files returns in a cabinet by the wall
It’s not the only thing that lies to enthrall
And the pearls all gleam against her skin
I watch them from afar with her eyes on him
And she’s blooming, she blossoms, with stars in her eyes
I put my cheek to the cold wood as my hope dies
And nothing has changed, there’s nothing that he hides
But I know that within is something that abides
And he’s acres of fields due east to the coast
Did I make a mistake loving him the most?

The depression came and ate my shoes
I couldn’t paint music out of singing the blues
I was so low in the depths 
But my open heart just accepts 
Everything that comes my way
The people tell me it will be okay
But I just want to die
(Though I wouldn’t advise you try)
The glass went paper thin on the window
I just think of him though
And I run down to the track
And scream to the sky to bring him back
I collapse to the red ground
And though no one can hear the sound
At seven a.m.
I confess I can’t feel this way again
So I pick myself up and get the train home
I don’t trust myself with being alone
And I know something is setting in motion
I can feel the hands come to slap the lotion
On wounds they imagine are there
And I just can’t make myself care
As they puppeteer the stings
Never knowing they are clipping wings
As the bird strains against her cage
And somewhere far away the boy rage
I can feel him pound against the cell
And someone mentions that he’s not well
On that black wall
I just feel myself fall
Into an open abyss 
And somewhere in the darkness we kiss
Confused by the stranglehold
Enchanted by fields of gold
That are etched somewhere in the deep
A forever that will keep
Until the sun breaks anew
I could never forget you
And gradually, slowly, the tide recedes
They say I’m cured and she believes 
That the therapy had come to fruition
It just provided me with more ammunition
To shoot myself with
And my friend tells me that he can be a dick
I know I can’t live in a universe where that is true
So I cut myself off from you
And find that man in my soul
You know the place where we are whole
Playing with carpenter’s toys in the sun
Knowing that we have found the one 
And he’s so focused on the play
He doesn’t notice me looking at him that way
So endearing and so real
I don’t think he knows how I feel
About the boy I met in the sea
Somehow, I saw a reflection of me 
In the ocean that pulses below the surface
He just says he’s something life curses
As he looks into his pain
And that nobody would know how to do it again
So I take his hands for a second time
I can make a secret rhyme 

The storm came and ate me up
I keep thinking of you with another love
And I wonder do you hit it like a target
I walk the avenues of a flea market
In Brooklyn, near the bridge 
And I wonder what you let live 
When you crushed the butterfly wing
Saying it doesn’t mean anything
And I lie in your bed
Wondering if you meant what you said 
When you said those things about me 
And I had studied you like a degree
Every line and every crease
Every moment of release 
When you let the laughter take you
And I didn’t mean to break you
When I turned my face away
I just know I have to make you stay
By any ways and means I can
I want to see you be a man
And I can sense a dark design 
When your eyes dance with mine
And then you pin me to the floor
And I look away from a gaze I adore
So brutal and so pure
If only he knows that demure
Fades and recedes
And the moment his heart bleeds
Out in front of me 
Has me throwing my dignity
Into the way of his twister
And I wonder if he ever missed her
You know that girl in green
I can see what might have been
When I watch her eyes turn black
Underlined by what we lack
And I know she’d take him back
If he actually changed
But he keeps me on the same leash, estranged
And I heard her on the bus to the open day
And I kept the words she’d say
From the corner of the maths class
I see it when he makes that pass
As though I’m the ball he wants to catch
Because we could be a better match
Than the permanent marker of her style 
He looks at me with a contempt that revile 
Everything I am or could be 
Why do I catch him down on one knee?
Proposing to me 
I change direction like a wind he can’t see 
He only knows he feels the fresh air in his face
So he looks twice at the disgrace 
He thought he knew
And I may not be you
But I am me 
The splintered lines of a mystery 

The end of love as it dies a death on the floor
And I don’t feel that way about him anymore
And he tries to bring me down to his level
The hatred and dark in which we revel
When I am aligned with his steam
And it sure does look like he knows how to kill a dream
Coz I put a flower behind his ear
And captured the shot of when he held me dear
Then manic pain clouds his eyes in anger
And I’m just putting my t-shirt on the hanger
When another wave hits me in the gut
He walks close to the edge of calling me a slut
And he tries to capsize the boat in which he lies
I can feel it rumble underneath the disguise
As he spits out words that slither through his teeth
And I just keep on meeting him on the street
In my mind and memory, it plays out
And he catches the words that don’t fall from my mouth
As though the silence is a crime I don’t know I commit
So he takes his guns and calls me a bitch
And I let him leave me, walk out the door
As he becomes something I abhor 
In my secret heart
Was I stupid for letting it start
All the perfume and fragrant scent
All the words he never meant

The empathic surge 
When I hang on your words
As though you are pouring oxygen into my veins
But I feel it as the blood drains
Out and aside
And as I sit beside
Who I think I know
I take a second look at the blow
He gave me when he thought I couldn’t see
Am I supposed to think it’s me
Sacrifice my dignity
And his eyes range over the scene 
As if it’s concrete in the dream
And she’s just a victim of his rapacious will
An aggrandisement, a dragon that would kill
In the moment a star is born
I never thought to warn
Anyone else about what I had seen
I just assume this is how you have always been
And as I analyse 
I watch as the illusion dies
It flickers just before it goes out
It escapes from your grasp like the words from your mouth
And you turn stonewall cold
I hit the ice but I’m just a girl
In your incantation
And your feeble attempts at education
To seduce the mind
Just mean I can leave you behind
With no trace of guilt 
The ground underlies the flowers that wilt
And to be co-opted into your bed
Is just making me laugh because you said
I could plant my feet right there
As if you even care 
About where I grow 
The valley has taught me slow
That the seeds you water today will bear fruit in the morn
I heard you cry the day you were born
And baby eyes look at me 
I look away because I don’t think you see

Maybe she’s right, all this pouring concrete on the graves of the past
And she sure can hook a bullet through the way she makes a thing last
And she said she wouldn’t go outside even if you were there
I’m not sure if she was trying to make me not care
About the music you make and the synergy
But something warns me off your infinity
As you criticise and pollute
The atmosphere in a shirtless suit
Subversive of the norm
And I bet your body’s warm
When it lays beside me at night
So pure in the candlelight
As it casts gazes all across the room
Did I overestimate my appeal too soon
And you cheerlead and you promote
You come up with lines that I quote
And I know that I am tin to your armour 
Somewhere in the fields of a foreign farmer 
As he licks his lips 
And the mask slips 
Just in time for me to recoil
Somewhere a kettle starts to boil
And I can hear it singing from afar
I listen to you in the car
And I know, I know it would never work
All I’m looking for is the hurt
That I see in your dark eyes
The mystery and the disguise 

There is another woman in this relationship
And I have got to come to grips 
With the fact you made me look crazy
And I watched as you played me
To the tune your song sings
But I’ve seen this before and your lie rings
Similar to someone I’ve known before
Someone I used to adore 
Someone I worshipped and craved
Someone I thought I could have saved
From herself 
But my snow bank melt
When I fight and realise
Each word that escapes my lips dies
On her doorstep as she warms herself by the hearth
And I felt my world turn dark
As the earth circled around her moon
And it was like the bells of doom
Sounded in my head
And I cried in bed 
But in school I put sunny side out
And I ignore the tiger in her mouth
And it’s just like back then
I still remember when
They all believed what she plied 
And, God knows, I could’ve died 
But something was watching over me
And God crept in and set me free
I was lying on the floor
And watching the door open into the something more
As schisms healed themselves 
And I could only be grateful for the cards I was dealt
When she held poker face
I smile coz I hold the ace
Now you fling the deck into my face
As if I should be ashamed by your disgrace
And I can almost hear you say
“What’s up with her anyway?”
I can almost feel their gazes creep
Over the place where I used to sleep
And I know it’s all about the win
The thing that people will intimate is sin
And you never had it with me
What kind of wisdom drove me away from thee
Some subtle intuition rising
What is it that he is disguising 
When he throws smoke and mirrors into the air
I was actually there
And there were diamonds around my head
And I recollect the things you said
When you thought I didn’t hear
And it’s not your magnificence that I hold dear
It’s the break in the torrent to reveal the truth
The boy behind the brute  

Healing the welt
Because of what I felt
When you turned on me
Your greatest gift was to set me free
Because there are meadows and fields
And there are moments that time steals
And I find myself back where I came from
Glad that we don’t belong
Because where would I be if I had caved
And you’re a treasure that I saved 
For another day
But what is it that you say
You don’t have the time
Let me kiss that white collar crime
And give you an abundance of it, love
I let the light absorb me from above
And your frantic pleas and flurried words
Look like the moment a fox startles the birds
And the winged angels fly
I never wanted you to cry
But if you did I’m sorry to say
I wouldn’t have had it any other way
And I made an altar where you could venerate 
The satisfaction of leaving me in that state
And I ran out of the gate 
And down the hall
You became the invulnerable 
And your wall was a stony expression
I almost forgot your confession
That broke into my hands
Sometimes your sands
Are the warmest beach I know
But it has come to me though
That you would drown me in the tide of your hate
And I thought it was fate
That such a cacophony
Could come to be with me
And bite the friends in the vicinity
I peak over at your enmity
And it is burrowing into your skin
“What the fuck am I doing with him?”
And he denies his lies
And we never were great at goodbyes
As we pass each other on a street
Like two boats that never meet
I see the fervent froth
In your eyes when you lose what you’ve got
And I don’t envy you the pain
But I don’t stand out in the rain
Just to please the cloud
You never knew what I am about

The disarray exploded onto the scene 
And I cowered in my room thinking that the dream
Had turned into nightmare prose
You watched as my hackles rose
And you gaslight and you flame
And you become something I can name 
Just an object in the room
I hear your doom
Echo off all the walls
And where there once were waterfalls
Now there is only arid dry
And don’t even bother to try
That train has left the station
And your elation
Were like the keys to the kingdom
Just make sure you don’t ring them
When you want to be honest
Because he broke every promise
He ever made to be
And my religion was to be set free
Of the chains that bind
He could have driven me out of my mind
And I wrote about it in my diary
I love to be fiery
It is a sign of love
But he took out a boxing glove
And aimed at me one fell swoop
No atmosphere he does not pollute 
With his strained attempt at civility
Go learn some humility
And take it to the town you know
Because my heart has let you go

I have to fake cynicism 
To hide the rhythm 
My heart beats when you enter 
Don’t you know you are front and centre
And I memorise Taylor Swift coz you said you liked her
Now I think you might gaslight her
For all she’s come to mean to me
And the riverbed that was set free
When I leaned into your account
And there is no amount
Of bills in the bank
Who could venerate the God I thank 
For bringing you into my life
We’re talking and now I am your wife
As we trade casual insults over the phone
And I forgot to click home
When I was searching for your name
Now I just search for something to blame
In the dark anthem you parade
Were you just something to save
And now surplus to requirements 
I am not invited to events
As you sashay with birds and chill
Waiting for them to do your will
And I’ve studied form but it didn’t prepare
Me for when the moment scare
Me into submission
And by my own admission
I gave you permission 
To tread broken glass and leaves
And no one believes 
My version of events 
When we were nomads in tents
Searching for our souls
And the thunder rolls
To announce your presence there
Is it right that life isn’t fair? 

She played on my buttons like they were piano keys
And it wasn’t long until I found myself on my knees
And I tried to fight the rising tide
But all I could do was run and hide
As her onslaught overflowed the bounds
Of the arrangements we had made of the sounds
And she swore me to silence so I swore in verse
In a cacophony I could not rehearse
And a letter lay on my desk til I burned the paper
It seems the only way I could escape her 
And the ties that bind let out
When it became so much more than self doubt
And it almost strung me up
To die a death on the altar of love
Of my compassion and my empathy
I watched her make a fool out of me
And everyone in the room looked away
And I was caught by an NDA
That I promised I would not repeat what I had been told
In secret I kept her but the story gets old
As she blames the little girl for the pain
Like the lightning strike that brings on the rain
And he walked in my door
And I wanted to love him more 
Than I had ever loved anything before
But her memory’s in my mind 
So I left him behind
Because I’m susceptible to narcissistic prose
And maybe this is just the road
I’ve taken time and time again
And I don’t want to be in bed with men
Who wish me ill
And get me there through prodigious skill
And I know his anger could kill
So I do not bend to his will
And watch him take up an avenue
Knowing that it could never be you
And her hair falls in a perfect curl
She looks like a sound girl
And he guards her like a dog with teeth
One that you might meet on the street
And I am lost, aghast
As I try to reconcile our past
The gaslight anthem in his gaze
As he claims he only wants to save
Me from my own hand
I wonder does he understand 
Or is this just a ploy
As I listen to “If I Were A Boy”
And he threatens me with the darkest mask
To try and keep me where the light I cast
Is hidden in shadow and shade
And I’m not the only truth that he evades
Eating his corn flake bowl
In the battle for my soul

Walking to change who I’ve become
And I’m still young, I’m still young
And they have my best interests at heart
You can see it in the way they tore me apart
Stitch by stitch, seam by seam
Til a rag is all that’s left of who I had been 
And they took it from me years ago
I cried but I had to let it go
Now they ply me with all kinds of drugs
But it doesn’t measure up to one of his hugs
And she left me for dust
When she realised that she could not trust
Me to be a carbon copy of pencil lead
I chose myself and I made my bed 
And I lie in it while she drives her car
Right past what we always are
And I have conceded defeat and accepted 
The path that she seems to have selected
Where she keeps to her own patch of ground 
And leaves me without a sound
But there is music in the air
I hear it and dance to the answered prayer
That echoes like caverns in the avenues of me
I thought he knew what I’d come to be
As he stood over me and stared at me on the step
The pavement ended and I regret
Not calling him over with a wave
Thinking of the girl he wanted to save
And I wondered why, with no make up,
He could look at me with that kind of love
And I flung myself at his door
He looked at me in conceit and I abhor
The way he dishtowel threw me into the furnace
You cannot trust man and I learn it
Slowly but repeatedly by degree
I know you prefer her over me
But why do you have to be so cruel
Over what we never were in school
I was cool and popular and nice
You were mean and miserable and spite
Slipped off the edge of your tongue
Like a ring when the sentence begun
And you say you’ve changed
But one thing I find sort of strange
Is that you’re still bitter and resentful and bite
When I do something that you do not like
So I nod and agree and say I believe
And I leave it like the heart on my sleeve 

There is bitterness in my heart
I gave them something and they tore it apart
And I held my hands out to her
She just watched the water
Pour on through
And said it is because of you
I struggled in vain and the drowning sun
Sought to end what was begun
I asked, I listened, I offered bowls
But something was fighting for our souls
And it won in that battle
I could feel the snake rattle
As it came close and its tail
Spoke of something that does not fail
To sting when it bites
They read me my miranda rights
And handcuffed me and took me to the cell
The doctor said I was not well
As though she was bestowing a gift
“You’re ill and we’ll help it to lift”
They thought I was crazy
And I do not let it faze me
To call bullshit on their lies
She has a family photo on the table beside
The seats where we both sit
And I wait for the truth to hit
As she leads me back to the ward
We pass by some roses and, so untoward,
She says “they are happy to be here”
And I want to make something crystal clear
I am not in this institution
Because I’m searching for a solution 
To some profound sort of despair
I want you to be glad I was there
So I can’t take this structure down stone by stone
Lead the lost souls back home
As if you ever could rage against that light
Death was love at first sight 

I wasn’t stepping on the cracks
And I designed all of the maps
So that they could contain my point of view
The one that sought to avoid you
But I tripped and I fell
And the people told me that I wasn’t well
And we all moved in sync
The robots who do not think
They just move in time with the music
And then claim that you should choose it
And I sat in a bed and asked for my phone
They told me to leave it alone
And that I should not think to dare
To touch the thing that made me care
Don’t go on Instagram
That is not part of your care plan
And we cannot guarantee 
That you will remain on bended knee
If I find someone who will listen to me
And I’ve heard of the gaslight anthem 
And the permission that I should grant them
To reign over who they think I am
It doesn’t help I enlighten the man
And he tells me it could have been a fit
An epilepsy that left me with
A peace that does not leave
And I can see what people believe 
When they talk about the Lord
But have they ever spoken the Word
With their own lips
I lived through an eclipse
And when the darkness lift
I realised the depression had been a gift

I mean I can understand their point of view
It’s just the point is that they never knew you
And you grow to learn and mimic a turn of head
Hiding the girl that wished she was dead
And it was a great secret
It’s just I cannot keep it
And something reached down from the sky
And told me I didn’t have to die
For the sins of someone else
And I felt the icicle melt
And it had been like a knife
Sticking itself into my life
Bleeding out from where no one can see
And if you want guidance then you shouldn’t ask me
Coz I’ll lead you into the storm 
So you can find the heat that keeps you warm
And they draw my arms in chains of steel
Then tell me it’s just coz that’s how they feel
And I must grow to appreciate 
That there is a limit to the state
They find themselves in
But I accept and I begin
To realise the unconditional lies
Beyond the bounds of their disguise
As puppeteer on a string
They tell me things that just do not ring
True in any sense
The person I was is in the past tense
And the man I thought I could trust
Turned into a flame of burning lust
That only ever sought what it could gain
He could not reckon with what I became
And bowed his head and doffed his cap
At the precise moment the memory lapse
Came to claim all that we had been
And I’m stirred from the dream
Of a love in the form
I’m beyond what was born
In a tent in a foreign land
I won’t compromise, can’t you understand? 

She thinks it’s a benediction
That she deigns to talk
And points out a path 
That she cannot walk
And my feet are dusty 
And the boots are worn
Some veil in the sky
Has been torn
And out of what’s rendered
There comes a rain
The blessing
In all of the pain
What do I protect
When I bend the knee
At the altar
Of what she thinks of me
And it may be a prayer
It may be a sacrifice
A martyr to the god
Of something nice
And I utter phrases
I lay my truth
But I met with a wall
Of adjacent proof
And it’s been constructed
By bricks and cement
And I wonder
What it all meant
As I lay down in a bed
That was never there to hold my head
So I rise and I go
I’m just sorry they do not know

Isolated and alone in Dublin City Centre
I sat in my room behind a locked door and no one could enter
Then the song bursts through and courses my veins 
And I want to kiss him in Irish rains 
And he’s got arms that hold me close
But he looks at me like he’s seen a ghost
As something spirals out from where he stands
And I know that when we’re holding hands
It’s only aloft in the caverns of our minds
I ran after him when he left me behind
And begged him to stay 
But he looked away
And I had a suitcase in tow
And I said I will not let you go
And I haven’t seen you since 2011
And it was hell but it was also heaven
As we cascade on the rocks
And put our pennies into the slots
As they churn and turn out a symbol of us
You are so much more than lust
You are something I can trust
And God knows why I let you go
In all these years I still don’t know
Was it circumstance or a twist of fate
Was it in the moment that my breath bate
Or was it wandering a solitary pool 
And looking back to when I was in school
And a guy that glanced off my shoulder
Someone I chanced when I was older
And they say mother and family is my duty
But they do not compare to your beauty
And I cannot build castles in the sky
Only to watch them burn as I die
In hollow cold walls I made for myself
I found you and that is my greatest wealth

The mists that cover the corners of the page
And I’ve been party to his rage 
As he unleashed it on me 
For what I couldn’t help but see 
And say 
He must be used to getting his own way
Because when I challenge the dust 
He breaks all I thought I could trust 
And is humanity a lost cause 
Am I just a girl on pause 
Or is there a button I can play 
Because I don’t want to be what they say 
I should be by now 
But I don’t know how 
To be thirty for and a woman grown 
If I would have known 
What it would mean to let that dark encroach 
I would have decried the folks 
He told me to lean into 
But instead I trusted you 
And they crucified what I left into their hands 
Broke me down like heavy metal bands
Shred guitar 
And I still wonder what you are 
But I don’t know what would happen if you decided to do what you did then 
Again 
It was ashes and phoenix rise 
And I’m not dependent on your eyes 
To be true to what I am 
I hope you had another plan 

There is pain when I cross a line 
And there is a girl that define 
Who I should be in any given instant 
Or circumstance insolent 
And throwing brash back into her face
She runs like she’s the last one in the race
And has given up on the finish line 
But she makes it there just to make time 
And see her personal best broken 
There are words we have not spoken 
Not since she clasped too tight 
And pained what was light 
And her heart is heavy and swollen 
I’m not sure what thorn she’s holding 
Close to that beating pump 
And I feel a lump 
In my throat 
As I watch him gloat 
Over the body of the murdered queen 
So what if it’s in a dream 
It’s still the stagnant pool you drink from 
And you can’t kill what’s already gone 
And I’ve left the premises and vacated the stool 
It’s been so long since we were in school 
And you could claim first time blues 
Now all your misery is old news 
Rehashed on the front page 
As you just age 
Slowly like a fine wine 
And I know I took my time 
In taking a sip 
But I didn’t mean to slip 
On what you had left outside 
You didn’t need to hide 
I wasn’t going to uncover 
My mysterious lover
Who eats more than he can chew 
Did you think I bit off a piece of you 
When I dared to cross 
The line you made to kiss the edge of loss
And your pain must be sacred to you 
Because when I tried to make something new 
And release you what what you have known 
You clung to the pebbles that have grown 
In the jars in your hall 
Don’t you remember our rendezvous behind the waterfall 
Somewhere in the land of forever 
Am I just a cord you want to sever 

Hidden in the veils of my childhood roam 
Is something that should never happen at home 
And it wasn’t in this life 
I look into the eyes of his wife 
And only see what happened to me 
And what he set free 
When he unleashed the tiger he tamed 
He thought I was a girl he named
And we collided in an instant framed 
But then I became the one he blamed 
For everything that had gone wrong 
But he stopped singing his song 
Somewhere around the age of twenty 
Now all his avenues are empty 
As he looks into her eyes
And something in both of them dies 
As they try to cobble together a room 
But they both know death is coming soon 
And all they can do to ward off the wind 
Is to atone for the ways they have sinned 
By making something nice 
But it’s not something you can do twice 
And I’m looking at his shadow by my door 
And I realise I wanted more 
But I just salvage what is left of my pride 
What’s a car to do but be taken for a ride 
And it slows when it comes to my corner 
You look at me like a foreigner 
As if I have stolen your plot of ground 
But I just leave without a sound 
And you can use all the silence you own 
To water the flowers I could have grown 
With you in this scene 
But wake up honey, it’s just a dream 
And midnight isn’t when you should be awake in slumber 
You don’t need to worry, I deleted your number 

There’s no point in being angry anymore 
It’s only burning the one that shuts the door 
And it’s not getting me any further away 
From the clasps of what they say 
And that woman told me that forty one 
Would be something that would see me undone 
If I did not change my ways 
But she lies through the lines she says 
Because she catches a clasp
And holds onto it fast 
So she can build a mountain on the ground 
To enunciate what she found 
And it is fundamental, it is true 
But I’m not getting that from you 
As you try to point out the line 
But I’m doing fine 
I just need someone to believe me 
Not something that’s gonna grieve me 
And I tried with the boy from the bar 
But he ran me over with his car 
When he thought no one was looking 
And now it’s a flight he’s booking 
To a foreign land 
So I understand 
That I never held his hand 
In any way that would band
Me with him, us with I 
Until the moment that we die 
Or get separated by hate
But I know he just misses the date 
He never took me on 
He blinked and I was gone 
Though I watched from the hedge 
He took the sledge
Hammer and cracked the glass
And told me love is in the past 
But does he not realise it’s the ever present Now 
The only moment that I allow 
To pass into the realm of my being 
I don’t know what he’s seeing 
But it sure isn’t the true run of thing 
Because this bird has wings and she sings 

There’s a sleeping giant in the demon realm 
And he’s looking over me at the helm 
And he would have me married and knocked up 
But I rebel and so I’m locked up 
In a little room with no doors 
At least not one with exits on my floors 
And I tried to run away 
But the bastards made me stay 
Til I’m open to ever ghost and waif 
And they say they want to keep me safe
I ask can you please let me the fuck out 
But when you’re sanity’s in doubt 
You can’t talk about what’s come to pass 
And Power’s realm is something that will last 
For a couple years 
And the tears 
Won’t get me out of this bind 
There must be something I’ve got to find 
To trump that card 
Because he made my life so fucking hard 
And he would sit and muse
About something I would never choose 
To do in any version of events 
But he thinks he knows what I meant 
So he subscribes to the infinite 
And when I point out he’s talking shite 
He rebukes with tone 
And I know that that phone 
Is hanging off the hook 
You read a page like it’s a book 
And holds something special to keep 
The only rest I get is when I go to sleep 
Past the domain 
Of the gatekeepers who cause you pain 
And they’re respected citizenry 
And they should know that she 
Only speaks the truth in verbs
But I will use my words 
To out what you never can 
Rip away from my hands 

Is it true that the sky caves in when the night comes 
And a part of me succumbs 
To what he wants me to do 
I cry and I just think of you 
Somewhere far, far away 
And they read everything they say 
To check it for an error or flaw
A Freudian slip and the thaw 
Only melts so far 
Until they get the car 
To drive me to a hospital bed 
So someone can fix me instead 
When my only crime is that I 
Won’t bow to the way they lie 
And that lady across from me 
Is haunted by a demon that I can see 
Her eyes go black 
And the lack of
And the weight 
Is fuel for something that hate 
Everything that moves and that would take her life 
If she hadn’t happened upon me that night 
And I took the worst of the devil that breaks 
Everything for nothing’s sake’s 
And she wondered was something out to get her 
But I’ll make sure this thing forget her 
As I release it back to where it came from 
I let go and it is gone 
But now I’m stuck in Dean Swift 
I’m fucked and just trying to get in the lift 
And the men are nice and the men are cute 
But the doctors play the brute 
As they prescribe 
Drugs that barely leave me alive 
And I’m just trying to stay awake 
But I sleep late 
On the toxic substance hurt 
And what’s worse 
Is that they think it’s for my good 
I guess when you’re lost in a wood
You’ll do anything to mark a tree 
But it isn’t fucking me

They caved in on me and I’m so aloof
I almost blindly demanded proof 
That you loved me when I can feel 
That somewhere you are real 
That you exist and are true 
That I am missed and that you 
Meant every word you said to me 
When you let me go free 
And he clasps me like a dying grip
Coz he can’t bear to let it slip 
That iron weight he seeks to bear 
The ones he longs to tear 
In two with his burning heat 
And I will never fall at his feet 
Because I was made for loving you 
You were like a saint coming through 
Til you left like a reckless abandon 
And now I’m nothing but a fandom 
Clicking like on a page 
Like it is all the rage 
And I’m not safe where I am 
I know he would do what he can 
To burn and bake and desecrate 
I know his love is founded on hate 
As it cakes at the edges and flakes 
I’m told that it’s for our sakes 
But isn’t everything these days 
That how the movie plays 
And how they convince you that they
Would do anything to keep the waves at bay 
And I”m years carrying the burden they pass
Like something that is made to last 
But it’s a net, it’s a web
And I decide to abandon it instead 
Like some matrix binary fucked 
You walked over the hill and I looked 
And saw the reason for my existence 
Please excuse my resistance 
To being happier than I could contemplate 
I would have liked to go on that date 

I can feel the verdant green 
That wants to announce the queen 
That is on the verge of taking the throne 
But I just want to be left alone 
So I abandon the kingdom to Scar 
But still I wonder what you are 
And if you still exist in time 
And if my rhyme 
Could make perfect fusion roll 
As I give the best of my soul 
To the days the aching stopped 
And they all cast lots 
For the parts of me that they crave 
There was a hero I couldn’t save 
Not as hard as I tried 
But he lives and I abide 
And he makes two with someone 
And I know that we’re still young 
In some kind of long view terms 
Is there a lesson the heart learns 
When it’s been crossed like X’s and O’s 
But I still love you, God knows 
And you play pretend from another screen 
And I meet you in a dream 
Where we are more than wild 
And I give birth to your child 
Not with screaming and pain 
But with the blessings of long awaited rain 
And we, married in some secret place
Don’t let a single moment go to waste 
If you don’t see it to 
Does that mean I imagined you? 

The flagrant disregard 
And the ground is hard 
When I meet it face to face
Do you think I know my place
Coz when I catch your eye 
Somehow I know we’re gonna die 
Together in a storm of bullets 
Did you grow out that mullet 
That you had cut so tight 
I guess it’s okay, alright 
If I let you see the sky 
And you ask me why 
I fold the paper just so 
But I could never let go 
Of what I found in the ashes 
And you just batt your lashes 
I look at the atm and it cashes 
More than I ever thought I earned 
I watched as cities burned 
And all I could think was thank God he’s not there 
Did you realise I care 
More than I had let on 
And there is a space where you are gone 
And it fills up my heart 
With an absent longing and I start 
To visualise you in my room 
As we dance with doom 
Like it’s a slow song 
I ask you what I did wrong 
And you spit “nothing” into my face
We hang up like it’s a race 
To reach the finish line 
You say okay and I say fine 
And we don’t speak for ten years or more 
But it’s still you I adore 
As I leave crumbs and clues 
And pay more than my dues 
To deserve what you give 
You were the boy God let live