Tag: suffering

The Flame and the Letting Go

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Suffering means I love you more
And I’m always banging on your front door
To see will you let me in
And you just remind me of him
His casual ways, his beautiful dance
His chest, the rest and his hands
As they fold themselves into mine
It is the cessation of time
As in the moment held forever
Is the faith of a new endeavor 
As it opens out to sky
I love you and I don’t know why
Only the beauty to burst through
The diagrams I see in you
And in all that’s sad and lonely
I’m wondering why you don’t phone me
When we left it on so bad a note
And there are pages that I quote
Which makes up the dream of us
The magnitude, the waves, the trust
In all that we can’t imbue
I’m waiting for what you might do
With your love, the sea, the stars
The way you melt those prison bars
Down into metal ore
I know you better than I did before
But you are untouchable, unattainable 
The clouds are grey, the day raining and dull
And you’re just some other where 
I keep looking, you’re not there
And you may have another chick
And I the page that you flip
But anyway, bitterness won’t get me far
Not when you’re written on my heart
And I feel this seething for all we were
And the fact that I’m not her
And I know it’s selfish and self absorbed 
I should just take you at your word
When you say you’re happy there
That you’ve found love and true care
But I’m gnawing at the edges and all the seams
I still see you in my dreams
Sometimes you’re mine, more you’re not
I’d write them down but I forgot
Exactly what they had to say 
Some kind of I’m not going away
But everything does 
All that is is a remnant of what was
And I fight the tide
But the waves crash and abide
In the place they’ve always been
There is the dimension of the seen
Then other ones
Diagonals and come undones 
Would you marry me?
So that the bird could be set free
But I’m letting go
Of all I thought that I know
To find a new shore
Worship all I adore
As it comes in close
Would you haunt me like a Holy Ghost?

The Role Of Men

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He got a dial on the rotary blade
And he claimed he knew how to save
But he sent me to some kind of hell
Then forbade me to ever tell
The story of how our love was made
He put the darkness into the shade
Of the sun that just shines on me
Or from within the holy sea
In the forests he was found
And I can't bear to hear the sound
Of what forever whispered that night
He asked me if I was alright
So I proceeded to spill the secret soul
Then he panicked and the whole
Was exiled to the far reaches of the kingdom
So far away he won't even sing them 
As a lullaby to his pain
The clouds were too apt to rain
Upon the land 
That used to be sand
To hold my feet
As they walked to the place where we meet
In between the intersection
Of my silence and his rejection
Of all that could ever be
What is the meaning of the word free

Writhing The Story

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Torturing yourself won’t bring her back 
And hating yourself won’t cure the lack
That bubbles up out of your skin
You can’t lose, so you just win
And sigh that it’s all predetermined 
You’re in your seat but you’re squirming 
With the uncomfortableness of it all
John Mayer and the free fall 
That was 2012
Time to take a deeper delve 
And stand your sacred ground
As you hear the sound
Of tomorrow on the breeze
Not all men come to leave
Only the shadows knocking on your door
Repeating the refrain of you don’t love me no more
But it’s just an ancient pain
Playing on repeat again
To make a symphony out of the sound
Of the love and faith abound
In the green green grass of home
My love, you are never alone

Great Big Ocean

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I thought the great big ocean would find me
But it’s always been just the tide
Counting the beats of my step 
To the heart that keeps me alive
And the summers in the city
Where I counted my blessing
He asked me if I was serious
I said shur I’m only messing
And the wild within me got unlocked
Like a fabled Pandora’s box
All the crucible to fly
Is to live to know how to die
Coz we’re born with these bodies 
We don’t know how to use
Then we get attached
To something we lose
And every breath is a tear
With a fragrance of flower
But people are reckless 
When they have power
And moan and shine and wither and break
Then tell you they do it for your sake
But it could never tally up
Not when you call it love
And I had a bite of the unconditional 
Now I move and walk and it’s not volitional 
Coz she spilt the beans on me
Now every secret’s flying free
And a demolishment has been rendered
In the space my hope engendered 
It cascaded tears
Now I measure the war in years
That I’ve been through
And I blame you
For all the absent meanders 
I don’t have all the answers
But can I learn to be a little less jaded
The pain’s the same but the scars have faded
And I only give leave for a moment to be
The epitome of running free

One Moment For Granted

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We can’t take one moment for granted
Nothing’s guaranteed
Life ends in death
We rely on the blood we bleed
To keep the body going
I look out the window
And the sky is snowing
Everything lending itself to another
The rain is frozen
And I lost a brother
In the storm
The river flowed
I may have taken the less travelled road
But it wasn’t for the good of my health
And it sure as hell hasn’t given me wealth
Except an inner gratitude 
And a reliance on the dude
That runs the show
Is there something I should know
Or do I just apt predict
So worried that I make myself sick
And have to be revolved on medication
There’s no point lying about my tv station
And if I’m off them for long
I start to feel like I don’t belong
To even the human race at all
I drink it in at the waterfall
And run, simply run down the hall
Of the institution I became part of
Resident of guarded love
And I hate but I also care
Feel the torment start to tear
At the edifice I’ve built
I don’t know why but I wilt
Under the glare of a heavy sun
And I’m always looking for the one
Who might make my stars shine bright
But the blade became my kryptonite
As it etched in stone what my heart would write
Only to feel the pull of the tide
The breath that means I am alive
As I drag my body out of the morass
I waken up when I am in class
And revive to a certain degree
Ten years to know it’s not just me
Who feels this way
And there needs to be a conversation 
About what it means to stay
And guidance from the ground
About the people you always want around
Do you hear the triangle ping
I let go and give up everything

My Jesus

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My Jesus opened the door
He let me see that there’s something more
Beyond the chasm of calls
The teaching of words, the world’s enthralled 
And I was on my knees begging to sky
Watching someone I love slowly die
Why don’t you do something, where are you
But you took her and put me through
Some kind of hell
What is it the story that you tell
That the Almighty is all that exists
Then why did you put me on your list
And it’s a sudden awning pain 
Like the cold when you’ve been out in rain
And I’m on the floor
With my head resting against the door
And a sudden spark ignites
Wherefrom did all these lights
Appear
And I hear her say, my dear
Like she always did when she was alive
And her flowers didn’t survive 
But something she planted did, God knows
It’s been living in me and it shows
So I wash my face, dry my tears
And I’ve been holding it in for years and years
And it’s finally singing a song
My Lord, you did nothing wrong 
And it’s more than a future reunite
It’s a love that holds you in the night
When you’re punching the air
Cursing all that isn’t there
But something new is born
The moment that the fabric’s torn

Writing My Storm

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Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
Writing my storm
Well, at least I'm warm
Coz the thunder rumbles 
And the lightning cracks ground 
And I can feel the heat surround 
As the cold front meets it match
An opposite in a roof of thatch
As it sets fire to what it knows
And it's, you know, anything goes
And I've destroyed everything I once had
I speak my mind and I feel bad 
But at least I'm living 
Is it time for more forgiving 
Of the grudge match I keep with her
Coz I'm mad at what we were 
As she'd take a little pick
And chip away at me, so to speak 
Carving out a Michelangelo
From all the places I will not go 
Til suddenly the dial it spins 
And she's cast from my withins
In a door slamming shut on time
I can't acquit you for this crime
Coz if I did you'd do it again
And I don't know if I can call you friend
As you take what you used to know
And sacrifice it on the go
On an altar you worship days 
And I'm confused in so many ways
Coz I thought we were cool but I resolve
Not to be a problem to solve
But the answer I've always craved
I guess it's Heaven and the unsaved

Intensity

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I’m burning up like the flow of the river 
As all of life calls me to forgive her
Coz I can’t split in two just to spite my face
Or deny the regard of constant disgrace
And I was only a teen
But I saw through the cracks in the dream
Untoward a vast expanse
Where music makes the people dance
And I feel as though I’m on fire
Like I’ve been lit by something higher
But it always seems to come back to ground
Like I’m rooted in the sound
Of you saying goodbye
Then realizing what it means to die
As I sweated it out in the class
Then fell victim to what could not last
And I stirred on the floor as I heard her call
It was like I’d lost the wall
Separating me from creation
A moment stunned and then elation
You can call it enlightenment or waking up
Or just realizing all is love
Then I see you with your eyes downcast
And I try to forget the past
But the memory of the crush is ever fresh
And I’m still not there yet
At the part they say release
But I may just be at peace

Wasteland

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That year was a wasteland and I was the bomb
That you dropped from the plane with some aplomb
Just cause your territory had been invaded
And a hole pierced through the veil you masqueraded
And all of the people who lost their lives
Are collateral damage so your city thrives
And I in the moment was eviscerated
My parts to obliterate what you created
And though you are fine and in your warm chair
You lost much more than I did there
To perish what you do not understand
And show the world the wrath of your hand
Then blame it on timing or the way things go
Others may believe you but I know
And hold in my spirit all you tried to destroy
But you’re not a man, no you are just a boy
Who’s playing at games he knows nothing about
If you’re a real king then you don’t have to shout
Or make others suffer for what you cannot spare
I looked for your heart but it wasn’t there
So lay claim to the story and the narrative
History is written by those who cannot forgive
But instead draw lines to denote what they’ve won
But it’s only the living you can kill with a gun
And prove that you are the sun in the sky
But even you too must die
And face your maker or the absence of one
You’ll look for me back but I am done
And never will hesitate the time
I let you go and felt the sublime
As aching powers crave the root
They can never touch the absolute

Born and Raised

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imageWhen words are just not enough to explain the hurt you feel
And you try to cope, as the saying goes, but you just cannot deal
When spider legs entwine and trap you in their cages
You spew it out on paper, on magnificent pages
Cause expression is the key to understand your mind
And when you have stopped the noise you can leave it all behind
Cause forever’s in a moment that never will defer
There will finally come a time
when you realise what it all was for
And the revolution will be complete as all the lies dawn Truth
It would be an understatement to say I had a tumultuous youth
But all the beauty and the conflagration is a white fire blaze
I guess that you could say I took all these years to raise

Photo Credit: The Work of Byron Katie – Facebook