Deliberations And Hesitation

March 3, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

Are you a narcissist, I think I'd love you anyway
And I've had my truck with one before you came my way
And she goddamned broke my heart with her remarks 
And I lived for two months in the complete dark 
With no hope of light
But I said that it's alright
Because she is out of my life
Now I just want to be his wife 
And I see the familiar pattern 
Like I am coming at him 
When I just say how I feel
And I wonder if this is real 
Because I'm just sitting by his side
With no way to hide 
Anything that is inside
And I hear in the years that have moved on 
His memory of me is almost gone
And that he has got a girl
At least he tells me that in his world 
I am shy of the ceiling 
And there's no way he can be dealing 
With my kind of shit
But I just keep talking it
Though I fail to say the words I mean
You are my fucking dream 
You are my love and my heart 
And I just want to take part
In your life 
Does lightning strike twice? 
Or does love just make the ground
A place that can hold the sound
Of the thunder as it rolls
Something entwines our two souls 

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The Band Of Our Lives

February 24, 2024.Reading time 4 minutes.

One avenue
I remember you had a sly eye
And I toyed with the idea
Of you being my guy
And you were sweet
And gave me strength
I don’t remember 
Where the self consciousness went
As you look at me
I can see the stars
Cave
Like all my prison bars
And I wonder where you be
And how you are
Remember the night
I picked you up in my car
And you looked so jazzed
And I felt so fly
I’m in love
And I don’t know why
And you stared in my eyes
When I dropped you off
I hope we’re still friends
And all is not lost
And I wonder if I could 
Kick back with you
I dunno if you
Still want me to
That I could be your Jess
Is this too cringey
You bought me a drink
Was I too stingy 
With my affection
As we open our hearts
There was no ending
So the magic starts
And the years roll by
Like a filofax
And you told me
To relax 
As I worried 
A frayed line of thread
Leave me thinking 
Of you instead
And I wonder what 
You would say if you
Knew all
That I’ve been through
Would it mar the image
You seem to have of me
You always seem to
Just give it to me free
As we laugh
The bursting joy
Saw you turn 
Man from a boy
And I always clicked
So you would know that I
Hold you close
Somewhere that can never die
And I wonder if you
Have a woman now
And if there’s still
Space for me somehow
Coz I want you to know
It’s more than a crush
And I know it’s been a decade
But we don’t have to rush
Just find our way
What do you say
Could we vibe
Like back in the day
And if I look to you
Would you look away
Coz I really 
Want you to stay
And make a fortress
That can’t be stormed
Keep a place
So the bed is warmed
As I hold your arm
And we kiss
I should be glad
You gave me something to miss
In your forest pure
And your deep brown eyes
You kind of know my heart
And it’s no surprise
That you had it all
Planned out in your mind
And I didn’t mean
To leave you behind
It’s just days were dark
And I scared myself
With the storms in
A teacup I spilt as I knelt
And you were so casual
And so on fire
You took my hand
And lifted me higher
And I haven’t forgotten
The good you do
I just don’t know
What to say to you
Coz I love you with
The full of my heart
And I want to close
The gap that keeps us apart
And I’d call your name
Across the expanse
If I thought that you
Would be down to dance
And kiss like you
Are still in the club
You have all I am
In your arms, love
And I’d love 
To be your equal
If I’ve written a history
Would you be the sequel 
To a place 
Where all is calm
Is our distance 
Just a false alarm
That can be quieted
By your soothing breath
You’ve gotta know
It’s not over yet
And I hold you
In a place so dear
No matter the clouds
The sky is clear

The Pulling Pain

February 24, 2024.Reading time 2 minutes.

I try not to feel it
Will time heal it 
If I just let it burn 
But the world just turn
And they grasp my arms
Tell me they’re keeping me safe from harm 
And I feel the burning within 
It all came from him
As I can barely hold on 
To what is long gone 
And who I am craves for his flesh
The terror to think he might regret
Ever knowing me 
I cry on the phone, the tears are flowing from me 
As he grits his teeth and his tongue clicks 
And one of his best friends says he can be a dick 
And I just think of that Taylor Swift song
What if I was wrong 
And you never loved anything 
And the ring 
I thought I would wear
Is just part of the dress that would tear
As she wears it down the aisle
And I watch you smile 
Right into the face of your demise
But there’s death in your eyes
And it’s something I cannot avoid
It’s not like just loving one of the boys
It brings me to the brink of surrender
And a day that you “barely remember”
And I wonder if the gaslit anthem plays
Or if there’s any truth in what he says 
When he says that I am beyond the pale
Is it just that I am not up for sale 
That gets under his skin 
And he was flush with the cash but I wanted him 
Not the dollars he owes 
To the person whose garden he sows
With seeds aplenty 
But I look at him and his face is empty
Devoid of all emotion 
And the commotion 
Gets too loud 
So I let the borrowed fools crowd
Around me and operate 
On the person who just wants a date 
Sometime in April, coz it’s just the right air 
It would be great if you could meet me there 
If she lets you slip away
Out of her grasp and the break of day
Sounds a new dawn 
If you look to me you will see what was never gone 
Only unobserved
I gave you my word 

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Manifesting Andy

February 24, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

Manifesting Andy, I try to look the other way
And pretend I cannot say 
What is the fire inside of me 
Is there another way for me to be 
And it caused me physical pain
When I first heard your name 
It was when I was carted off to the mental 
So much more than words in central 
Dublin and they said I needed to be there
As ambivalent as a girl without a care
When she was interrupted 
And have we fucked it 
Up
In the name of love
And it all comes around to the scene 
The way that it could wake my dreams 
The loins that long
The moment you belong 
When you’re with someone 
And you can see your son
And daughter running around 
And they’re not even born and you hear the sound
Of their peeling bells of laughter 
Just like their father 
As you sit by his side
How do I hide
I have the whole future planned out
And I’m afraid my doubt 
Will kill what we are
We may have all been forged within a star 
But we are black hole bound 
I know oblivion when I hear the sound 
Of your mystery ring 
Would you give me one if I gave you everything
And you just sigh and look away
So I leave it for another day

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Back To My Old Place

February 23, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

It wouldn’t be Dublin if I wasn’t late 
And somewhere under the covers is a man I’d like to date 
And I think of him as I sit in this sojourn 
Do I always have to mourn
It’s been ten years since we talked
A decade since I walked 
My boots down the road
And everything slowed
Down, how do I get away
I cover my ears so I don’t hear what you say
Because you tell me that it’s over, over the hill 
And I know that you would kill
Just to feel alive
But somewhere in the dive
You found the water you wanted
You tell me and I can’t say that I amn’t daunted
By the weight of your magnitudinous pain 
And I just stand out in the rain 
So I can feel it on my skin 
But I never felt him 
Move with the beat
Touched his face when we’re feet to feet
And somewhere in a daydream, diamond true 
I think that I found you 
For a reason 
And for a season 
That lasted three hours long
I was the ocean in which you drown

Lives And Weather

February 18, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

The life I’ve always wanted receded into the distance
And when I reached for it I only felt resistance 
As I confessed my secret heart
He took his wound and tore me apart 
And with tears in his eyes
He ripped into my disguise
Til I stand with paper hands
And look at the sands
Slipping through the cracks
I know we can’t go back
From this
I though you might kiss
Me when you found out the truth
Like I know you wanted to in our youth
And I put you off
And you splutter and cough
And tell me you have no time
For what I found in the diamond mine
And soldered to a band of gold for you
In a past life I was the one to
Go down on one knee
Reversed genders, same eternity
And I propose a solution to the problem
Because together, all of the troubles, we’d solve them
And you’ve found another partner
And it would hearten her
If she knew how you talked behind her back
And the girls that you attack
In her name
I don’t mean to lay the blame
But is it just gonna be the same
As it was two hundred years ago
With your blonde hair and the way you kissed me slow

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The Sadness That Winds Me

February 18, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

The grief crumples me like a deck of cards
And no one knows how hard
It got in the midst of the night
And I contemplated the death of the light
Coz everywhere I looked it was black
And the dealer stack
Everything against me 
My best friend resents me
And that person that wants to take me down
Looks like she runs this town
As she commands the sea
And turns the whole tide upon me
And as it rushes and consumes 
Something pulls me from those rooms
Into a place I’ve never been
But somehow had already seen
Maybe in a dream or through a past life
And every man looks for a wife
When he reaches a certain age
I just reach for the page
Because the immortal hue
Has stopped shining from you
It’s like you buried it somewhere
When you say that I just don’t care
And it’s impossible to get through to you
So I say goodbye too
As you hang up the phone
Could you just leave me alone?

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Emotionality

February 17, 2024.Reading time 2 minutes.

I get slated for being emotional and sincere
There was that time I told you I hold you dear
And you attacked and ripped my hands
Away from your paper thin heart and the sands
Flow out of your hourglass
As you try to make a thing last
That never will 
Because time will kill
The bodies that you preserve
And the girl that you serve
Must one day kiss you for the last time
And my only crime 
Was knowing there will come a day
When one or the other of us will go away
And I can’t speak forever when I see the horizon
And I don’t know what you have your eyes on
As you stare into space
Meanwhile I just stare at your face
Looking at the grass
And time will pass
But something stays the same 
There is a love that will not lay the blame 
Not even when your dripping venom
Tries to make an enemy 
Of me
Then return to eternity
Where it can fester its wound 
I saw it all and the doom 
Ate me up from the middle 
And the best part of me may be hidden
But you can find it if you look 
You don’t have to do anything by the book 
You swear by
And I hear you cry 
In my dreams
How does a man come apart at the seams 
When you just tell him the truth
That you idolise our youth
And that time will also be the proof
Of what cannot be destroyed
We are not just girls and boys
We are immortal souls
Water though the wave rolls
And breaks onto the land 
I wonder if I take your hand 
Would you be a friend 
Coz true love will never end 

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Crippling Instability

February 12, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

There is crippling instability at my core
I try to balance what I adore
On the scales 
But a part of me rails
And tries to decide
That I no longer want to be alive
If it means that I’m not with her
Always wondering what we were
And she hates me now but I feel her breath
Whispering “do not forget” 
All that we are
And she says I am her star
No black hole
But the measure of her soul 
And she calls to me 
Across the sea
Of forever in between
Am I crazy or is this a dream
I just cannot wake from
All I love will someday be gone
And ripped to shreds
This is what I think of when I lay in bed

The Despondency Of Men

February 9, 2024.Reading time 2 minutes.

He wants to mean something to me 
But he was just a dream that never got to be
And now he self flagellates
That he never took the girl on dates
And he makes do with what he has
But most of the time he just feels bad
That he settled for 
Someone he could never adore
Only ever be useful to 
And she’d skull the devil to get to you 
Because you’ve got that verdant green 
And arches her back the way it had never been 
Before 
And the shore
May be a more sunny shade of grey
But you and I were never that way
So I take the bull by the horns
But something warns
Me to just let it go
He’s not what you think, you know
And he rained bloody blue hell
On the summer of wishing me well 
And I don’t know if he can tell
But when I fell
I fell hard
And let the bard
Inside of me run loose
But she has run out of juice 
And gets by on mere gasoline
I wonder does she ever scream 
When you make her high 
I wonder does she feel you 
When you wanna die
Like I do 
I’m miles away and the needle pulls through
On another thread
I don’t want to be witness to someone else’s bed
But I feel it all
And I forestall 
The grief 
For mere belief 
In who I am to be
You won’t make a whore out of me 

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Gunpowder Flame

February 5, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

I knocked the wall down with the force of my kick
And there are people who say he’s a dick
But I rebel against that categorisation 
And do my own investigation
And after years of sifting through pages
I’ve realised that my heart rages
To be let out of its cage
And make love to the man I found in a past age
And I was eighteen and six months older
And he was a man just rolling a boulder
Up a hill, he could never reach the top
I was pretending to be something that I am not
And somehow he saw the queen 
In between the subterfuge and the dream 
I left the door wide open when I walked out
So that my intentions would not be in doubt
You can follow me anywhere I go
I’ll let out in, you know
He held me close and I fell slow
Into his arms
And none of his charms
Are wasted
But what I tasted 
Were his innocent eyes
Somewhere in between the disguise
And now everybody knows
That he’s the one my soul chose

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Time And Space

January 27, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

There is a distance in time and space
It takes you away from the Now
But you have shown me somehow 
That there is no way you could be removed 
From where I am in tune
With the stars and sea 
He is always with me 
Even though we haven’t spoken in ten years
Even though I cried bitter tears
Over our supposed separation 
And my education 
Only ever confirmed
That there is always more to be learned 
When you try to ignite the fire
And I do not tire 
Of my twin flame dreams
Because nothing is as it seems
When you water it down 
There’s something about this town
That still sings to me
And our history 
In separate schools 
Breaking all but the most pressing rules 
As we fight to be free
I know you had your destiny 
To meet
But would you greet
Me at the door
Because, darling, I always want more

I Never Found It

January 20, 2024.Reading time 1 minute.

I went on a search but I never found it
Now all I can do is ground it 
As it pours light in through my crown
I thought that I would drown
In the darkness but it was light
It lifts me up and I am alright
As I, unsteady on my feet, 
As a foal I’ve yet to meet
Struggle to regain the ground
I’ve lost to the realm of sound 
As it pelts my windows
I never let it in though 
Until that man came with his soul 
Held out like a begging bowl 
And it just undo 
Everything I was assuming of you 
And somehow we’re in!
But does it pertain to Him 
Coz that will be evidence of it’s constancy 
And in my revelry
I missed the quiet comfort of your hoodie
And I’m just wondering would we
If we got the chance
You ask me to dance
And I say yes
I take the hand you hold out, I guess
And we move to the beat
And the heat
That your body is throwing 
Has me knowing 
That this is something you’ve desired
Ever since I set it all on fire
No need to worry, dear 
The glass is crystal clear

The Hills

December 26, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

Living in the hills I’ve known my own share of pain
And the west coast is full of rain 
Because it faces the Atlantic 
And don’t be so dramatic
When you say that the wiles of Connemara
Has shades of Scarlet O’ Hara
With her red hair and wild ways 
I have to say I cannot leave what he says 
When he talks about a soulmate
And it more than a person that you date 
It is someone to whom your heart is bound
I fell for him without a sound
And he tried so hard
Did he know that he had the card
That would trump a royal flush 
And the seats were so plush 
As we sat in the comfort of each other 
He had the safety of a brother 
But the love of a fire brimming flame
And I didn’t remember his name 
Because he went by something else
And I was a little worried about his mental health 
But he’s always been my choice
And ever since I found my voice
I’ve been searching for ways to say
I always want to be with you, okay?

The Sweetness Of Stephen

July 24, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

The sweetness of Stephen 
He says my name 
And I know neither of us 
Will ever be the same 
As the softness just pours from you
Michelle calls you a dote
And I feel a pang of jealousy 
I’m afraid I must quote 
And you inflect your verbs 
People say things are just words
But the monumental silence echoes in your tone
And we are together, alone 
Sitting in two chairs facing each other
I feel I must have met my soul brother 
As we discuss the elemental freedom
The people and the ones who see them
And I wonder how many souls you have guided out
I feel you drop your self doubt
As we talk 
You laugh and I walk
To the sound of your music 
And you know I wouldn’t choose it
But it sure would be great
To be in a state 
Just so you could pull me out by my arm
And I thought Jesus was full of charm 
But He looks like you and I wonder why
Such a cool guy
Could be a shade of shy
When he talks to me 
I know you see
Into the beyond 
I wonder would a dumb blonde 
Tempt your eye 
And I show you my shade of sky 
As we just theorise 
I know that half of it is lies 
They have fed to the ones who eat
But it’s different when we meet

Eternal Soulmate

July 17, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

Did I leave Daz behind
Because he’s still on my mind
And it’s so 2003
To think he’s still into me
Blink-182 poster behind his head
As he’s sitting on the bed
With that smile that begets the name
The world rocked and I was not the same
In our bond
And I abscond
But I take something of his air
With me as a prayer
I say into the sky
Please let him love the way I lie
And he looks at me, I look back
Does he know I’m having a heart attack
When he pulls a funny face
And his love gives me a place
To reside
Do I need to hide
The heartbeat
That simply fell at his feet
As we walk out of the bar
Or when I picked him up in my car
Or when he ran from me
I chased him down so he might see
I mean what I say when I say Eternity

The Oil Of Chrism

July 17, 2023.Reading time 2 minutes.

How do I write the syllables of my past
How do you make a good thing last
And she screams into the wind
The teacher tells us we have sinned
Though she has battered and bruised my kin
In the name of what to do, amen
And is it just a victim of the times
Do people beat the track that rhymes
And what’s stopping me from being brutal
So I give him first refusal
On a piece of road fronted land
Just one condition: he must take my hand
And be wed
Though the bed
Is big enough for us both
And he just takes off his coat
And asks can he stay
I say; no way!
But I’d like to love you anyway
What do you say? 
He pauses to contemplate
Must I make him wait
I deliberate
It’s not like that
“But it is”
I just wanna be his
Now he has got another soul
And I’m told that their waves roll
And crash upon the shore
Have you ever wanted more
No, he defies
But I see the lies
Catch in his eyes
As he protests the point 
Would you anoint
Our child with the oil of Chrism
I try to move on but no one else is him
And though the chemistry and the sparks fly
What’s born of bodies must admit to die
In their deepest, darkest, most honest moment
It’ll leave you too, won’t it? 
He stares at the floor then back at me
It’s you and I eternity
In some twin flame fusion
And the density is bruising
When it keeps us apart
Did I ever tell you, you have my heart

The Light In His Eyes

July 15, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

I’m emo cool
Well I was in school
Though I was in the closet
Coz it wasn’t the norm was it
Til I met that guy
And, man, I could fly
With the joy of knowing such a soul
It will stay with me as I grow old
And the body will wither and die
But it can never take the blue of his eye
That catches the light from mine
In ‘00’s parlance, he was fine
Though he doesn’t know it
And, man, I throw it 
Like a wine or match
And my roof of thatch
Is burning up a storm
And we could keep each other warm
Not in a sex kind of way
But in the profundity that’s in what he say
And I count lucky stars
That prison bars 
Buckled and fell
And I wish him well
With the girl that he knows
But with me it’s anything goes 
And this love will last a life
Metaphorical man and wife
Even if we never get to be
The ocean is just the sea
By another name and form
I met you and I was born

One Kiss Love

June 30, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

He’s not up for one kiss love
And I am ocean but there’s a dove
Come to bring news of nourishment 
It’s not many who need encouragement 
To sail that way across the sea
When they find dry land they’ll forget about me
But something in his smiles’s forever
Not changeable as the weather
And he may not be right for me
But right now is all I see
And he’s got emotions that shiver me timbers
He could spin the whole world on the tips of his fingers 
And I hope he remembers our moment so still
And the light catch his eyes, oh I always will
And hope and pray your life has been good
It’s like living in forests, surrounded I stood
But he gave me ways to breathe afresh
And find solemn ways out of this mess
As we crush a penny into a shape
It’s red that we find in our softest escape 

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Rhythm Section, Immaterially

June 17, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

https://youtu.be/UOS5CP8tzYQ

Cause of death, dying
What do you expect, trying 
And I try to reason
With him but it’s just a season 
In the garden he grows
It’s all flowers and God knows
I try not to be the sky
Reflecting blues in his eyes
As they stare up at the sun
But I think he might be the One
As he moves in a sashay
And he can have me any way
He likes to entertain
And his love is not in vain
As he holds a paper heart
Out and it makes my own start
Beating a rhythm I cannot contain
Would the sky take back the rain
It had cried in tears
If it meant it could erase the years
That have gone in between
The midnight of someone else’s dream
In a come what may
What is it that the people say
That there is a wilderness beyond the hedge
And you are more than the pond you dredge
To bring up gold
And that story’s never told
If you’re looking for a quick line
In the bathroom for the thousandth time

At The Altar

May 1, 2023.Reading time 1 minute.

I know you have a litany of crimes
I don't need to hear about all the times
You failed to live up to 
What you think life has asked of you
I know the unconditional foundation
At the base of you
And I trust so do you
As we meet palm to palm
In this unearthly calm
It doesn't matter what we are
To each other from the star
We spin around
On what we call solid ground
You can be a friend or mate
Or take it to another state
The cord that ties binds us by the soul
And I shouldn't say you make me whole
But, darling, it really feels like that 
And you wouldn't take me back
And that's fair enough
But it doesn't end my love
It just puts a reservation
On the end of your appelation
As we find ways to grow and meld
There's a fusion no iron can weld
As we grow out of the old iteration
Meet you at the inner bus station!

Twin Flame Dreams