The fire burns every goddamn city I don’t know but are you with me As the buildings fall I try to stave off it all But I feel it encroach Is it a subject I dare to broach With the entertain Will all these words have been in vain If I just spill them onto a sheet Never being one to ever meet Them in the public sphere I can sense that danger is near And that if we do not shift course The next generation will be filled with remorse For what they have to face They tell me to just fall into place Fall into line But I can sense the time Slipping away And yet it is still today Every day I wake And I know I must do something for their sake Before they die in flames With no one even knowing their names They say the end is fire and ice But we can end the night We face every day Just stand with me, don’t look away
The faraway thread Makes my bed As I stare into a future that I may never meet Give up the present moment as it comes to greet Me with its washing acceptance And the rejection Of her gaze when she berates Is what led me to equate Love with pain Like the sky with rain But spaciousness breaks the shell And though I wish them well I can’t say it’s what I would have chosen In my mind they are proposing Different vagaries of the same old thing And I asked him would he give me a ring When I thought his mire Would set me on fire Now my guides say to me You’ve got to let the bitterness go free And let him back into your life Even if you will not be his wife
She marks the queen line of her reign And her kingdom is built on pain With little scatterings of love That seem to have come from above As gifts from on high But we all die And it’s something she cannot avoid So she just gets annoyed With me when I speak my mind And I live my life feeling left behind As I try to meet the mark of high standard But the old group have all disbanded And I’m left on my own The flowers are grown But I cannot smell their fragrant bloom When trouble is in the room The kind of grey that kills the butterfly And I don’t know why Anyone would reside In a place they feel they have to hide Their true self from all and sundry And it is just a bank holiday Monday That I make the muse And the power to choose Is just leaving the nest Of the season that knows me best
She rings of the pain she’s suffered And all the dreams she doesn’t want uncovered Because she’s betrayed her own heart And become a slave to the taking part In the guise of a good foe She loves me but she will not let me go Go be what I am There is always some kind of plan That I must fulfil And bow to her will And she drags me under When I do not obey her thunder That claps me on the back As If I should enjoy the map Handed to me But I am uncharted, I’ll be set free
Do I dash my own hopes And they wonder how she copes As they slash and burn Get in line so everyone gets a turn At the aching of the mending fences torched And she dreamt of a life on the front porch Sipping tea with her chosen one Now she fears that her son Will tear her down And she left the town Only to want to go back And none of those fuckers know jack About who you are And every star Turns into a black hole Don’t let them take your soul When they tear at your skin But you found it in him And I know I’m not alone When I click the link on my phone
Girl, you crossed the line Like ten thousand times And I slowly decided within That if it ever became a choice between you and him I would choose the latter And the clatter Of steel on steel Still rings in the heart I feel And the midnight may be blue But I am still better off without you You thought I’d come crawling back Like I did before But I don’t give a fuck anymore So I let you make your own bed And lay in it out in the shed And you make the perfect ploy But I am with the boy And he is kind to me And your absence means I’ve been set free From your crawling skin As you try to make me sin So the door hits you on your way out And I stifle a laugh over my mouth Coz you were never good to green And it’s nothing that we’ve been If you’re looking for me to relay The Disney Movie I had on play And it all started in 2001 I felt sorry so I went to you, hun But you turned your barbs on me When I only ever wanted to set you free And I guess you had to learn That when you strike a match it will burn And I am all fire soul Not some kind of role You can manipulate And it doesn’t matter who you date You’ll never see my like again And I bury my hatchet in men And that guy held me like shattered glass And I’ve got to say it was fucking class In the wilderness I thought I had to pass a test But it’s unconditional I thought it was empty but the cup is full When I go to drink And the sign on the wall said to think So I broke the secret that we all miss And Heaven was my first kiss
Everybody abandoned ship And I felt the guns equip Themselves with a welt of ammunition And I was in no fit condition To defend myself from their pleas That I must live my life on my knees But I feel a change a grow And if you weren’t there you wouldn’t know So, I just talk to Kevin And the number eleven Still rings true Do I just let it happen to you That divine death in the soul I walk to the edge of the earth bowl And the mists encase the sea There’s a Loch Ness Monster in the vicinity And it’s staring at me Do I run Do I go get my gun To kill what’s just unknown And when the birds have flown Will there be anything left He cut me to the quick and he was deft
The wringing of hands Over the slipping of sands As the hourglass pours Through open doors And claims to know a shape I watched the prism escape From the bounds of the light Refracted into colour that split the fight In me into seven hues A splintered version of paying my dues As they break my back With the things that they lack Always hitting me with the weight as it goes slack And telling me they do it “for my own good” As if being lost in the wood Was a bad thing or even a choice Do you know how to silence a voice With your noise and your din And I hung up the phone on him When he said goodbye I know you’ll die Someday, somewhere And I can’t find the will to care They way you want me to So I sacrifice what I had with you And let the wolves take me You call me fake, we Fight on the line And I say this is the last time I’ll ever give you access To that particular spin on my praxis Of indelible truth And they venerate truth Because it seems far from the sea But I live the eternity Of the present Now They tell me I must compromise somehow So I cut them loose And hang from the dial of my own truth
I want to break out and show them all the truth The wisdom of my misspent youth That always tries to contain The pulverising rain That echoes in the din What is within When what is without Becomes the whole mouth That you use to speak on Someday this will all be gone And we will be just ash and dust And broken trust That avalanche that you try so hard to avoid You chase down people, you chase down boys As they make me do what they say But I walk away From all they offer And the coffer Is empty Oh, things I should have known when I was twenty
Jack and me someday in the stars Belting out music as we’re chasing cars And I followed him down an avenue I just wonder what he’s going ta do As he flashes that smile at me And I know it will be a while til I see What he’s got going on under the hood He seems kinda bad but I know he is good As he offers his hands to me at will Then moved my own with dexterous skill Until the both are intertwined And I hardly know what’s his or what’s mine And the autumn fades the colours of leaves And he’s all mysterious or would you believe As he waits at the step of the door that I love I think I’ve been gifted from God above With the beauty of this connection Are we a constellation in the northern direction To take note of what we leave behind And I wonder if I am out of mind To go on hearing your voice in my soul What are the waves to do but roll
She’ll get me in the feels If she so much as glances this way Was it something I did Or I didn’t say As we weave our tapestry So fine as silk Not talking about the boys On the bus or their ilk And I’m all snowed under You’re the sound of thunder Crashing like waves Over every beach I try to save From its fate of being washed away Could you say That we’re just watching the universe play With little trinkets they call sand I drop my gaze and grasp your hand As you look away Is there nothing left to say But the silence that we effortless speak Like the days of the week Or the months of the year Did you shed a tear When you heard me say I’m leaving tomorrow for another day And the way Is made, it’s just we haven’t walked it But it will be ok as soon as we’ve talked it Out again among ourselves Quiet in our work packing shelves In the supermarket we visit You made a show of yourself, is it? As we wander through woods And I wonder if you have the goods Or just feint that way I know we are lost but it is okay You see the diamond mine shine A thousand stars in the firmament thine To consider thus In the Heavens I place my trust Because where else would you look We read it like it’s a good book And the fountain of everywhere knows our name It was one and one til we’re not the same But make two into union And what are ya doing With your head beneath the covers Coz we’re more than just lovers To set a flame And it would be a shame To waste a good cry on the sheets When the riverbed is where we meet Out into the sea You said there’s no one like me And I believe ya When you said I freed ya From the storm Now let me keep you warm On those howling lights Let’s make love instead of fights And war What is this battlefield for If not to teach us the value of peace An unearthly quiet as it all cease And you look into my eyes I know that which never dies And I see it in you You’re red and I’m blue And we’re both a kaleidoscope And I have hope In our return to cessation You play the wine, I’ll change the station Back into a different tune I shook when you were in the room And you gazed at me so everlong Like nothing could ever be that strong Will you swim to the sea Coz what is the ocean if it’s not with me?
The irrepressible nature of our friendship It keeps on coming back It’s not about all the towers we’ve built Or the modicum we lack Coz I see the stars in shapes and places See it reverberate on faces As everything comes shining down I’m just up the road now you live in town And we’re far away Though we used to play Together at the edge of fields Now summertime’s the way it yields To the storm on the western front It’s not just the season or the time of the month It’s in clouds that gather a while And I risk the thunder to see you smile An eon away And I’m glad you stay Though it terrified me to contemplate The idea of you in that state It’s in all my nightmares And it’s me that it scares When I wake up in the morning I look outside and the sky is storming Would you ever believe In me carrying less than it all on my sleeve And you sigh And say your own kind of goodbye And I try To make you see the sun That shines at the heart of everyone You disagree And most of all what you say to me Has me running like silver thread Pooled like a mothball in my head Oh, the mountain of you Do you think it could be in sight of us two Where we see the horizon Smiling now that we’ve got our eyes on It’s effervescent glow There is little that I show But one thing that is there for sure I’ve never found anything so pure As you and I Please don’t die Til our time, love I hug you coz you were sent from above Like a steady angel to my side You breathe in and I abide In the place I’ve almost been The realm of the unseen The place no hand can touch Is where I love you, oh, so much
The closeted feminist But now can I resist All the chains they put on me Say I must believe if I wanna be free Coz I don’t take sides And love just abides And lush is the grass of verdant green And what is carried out in the name of the queen As she sits on her throne I’m just myself when I’m on my own With no moniker And I don’t wanna be her Of stand alone pride I trust in the rush of being alive Do you see what I paint At the sight of blood I get faint And I waver every time I see Proof of what I don’t feel is me Can you just let go I’m not what you say I am, you know And how we’ve been trained But your conditioning is in vain As I collect All the things you say are wrecked Do you get what I mean Is this life but a dream Coz you can’t rely On everything that is destined to die And I Stand up just to let go Pull the needle through on the bed I sew Til it’s all but done I don’t think I am the only one To feel the heady weight of foolish glee You can stay on time, but it wouldn’t be me
She’s probably right about me and him It’s a game I play but cannot win As I hope for somewhere under a star He is wondering what we are But it never shows or comes to fruition Just carting around some ammunition As if we could strike At all we really don’t like But love, my love, is patient and kind It’s present moment, not left behind And I wonder if the waves are ocean enough For you to wash your hands of love That we built, stone by stone Whether together or all alone And you stand by the fortress that you made I say the hero never saved What we were or could be And I’m thinking of she Running her hands down your neck And doing some things you do not expect Just to drive you wild And I’m by the corner, meek and mild And only tepid beside the heat Of the furnace of heartbeats Side by side Would you even care if I wasn’t alive But I abide and sit in the still Let the thunder roll like forests at will In a strong breeze I always knew that you would leave But coming back Seems like something my memories lack As you try to explain But you can’t put back the pouring rain Once it’s down from the sky And I didn’t think to make truth a lie Only find In the halls of my busy mind A story to write I’ll tell our tale, if that’s alright
I love it, I do But it’s just not the facebook you And you say we’re friends But it’s frayed at both the ends And it’s undefined How could I have ever called you mine When your hand is intertwined With another heart, that’s just fine But it won’t go building bridges over the river we were And I think I love her For loving you and holding you tight For kissing the face of a bit of alright And I may be bitter but at night It’s you I hear calling my name And the days may have changed, we’re still the same As the eaves run with all the rain Would you do it over again? Coz I don’t think I’d be up for the war At the end of the day what is it for? When you live in the ridges you build for yourself And go about creating some kind of hell It’s not just for yourself, it’s for others as well And the storm clouds come in over the horizon And there’s nothing steady to keep your eyes on As the shifting sands of weather wear Everything without a care And would you know me if we met on the street I’m holding candelabras, can you feel the heat Of something I somehow contain And when we fight we do it in vain Coz love holds us all in its arms Even when we’re in school ringing alarms Being on the bell for a month or two Would you set it early if it was you? Or would you go by the clock The passing of time, well, it’s a lot As we leave our steady souls by the door Do you ever wish for more?
The male aspect of consciousness Is forever inviting And the spin is all that I’m fighting As it is embodied in opposite contrast And I thought the Grand Canyon was vast But I can see it all when his eyes open up Find I have to take a second look And he blushes and he smiles And I escape all of my trials As he offers me his hand To pull me up, you will be grand And I dust myself down and brush myself off Remember the forever we held aloft And he is tough but he is soft Says that I don’t have to pay the cost Only let it go I had a thing for you, you know You and your hair And the fact that you were so there For me, for them, for all the rest I’m talking about love if you haven’t guessed And how it just grows like the grass And I know there were things you never asked In the silence still between us both Like the gusts of wind wrap the coast Is the feel of you near to me There were days I was set free To run afresh into open fields The power of the earth that wields Our love like it was candlelight I think you are a bit of alright And if you are to chance the storm Then I would like to keep you warm In the days we rest side by side Knowing what it is to be alive With somebody there for you There’s a journey somewhere for us two To take with two hands pulled in close I guess it was you that my love chose To shine afresh in the garden Of peace we know when we discard them Only for to know again Do you think that you could be my friend? And we could run like the wolves Be the thread that longing pulls To undo that unseemly knot I hope you know exactly what I mean when I say to you That I love everything through and through And all the midnight can’t take away The sunshine in the light of day And weather rolls and thunder rumbles But my castle never crumbles Only stands to be a fort And there is nothing to report But meaningful and the dawn I left with a sigh but I’m not gone Only holding onto the deep And the promise that you keep To be the steady, lonesome star Oh, the wonder of what you are!
Loving Stephen’s as easy as breathing It’s pure faith, none of this needing And I couldn’t tell who he was pleasing When he agreed to the weight he was easing And I was stuck in a calamitous affair There seemed no respite from the state of compare Locked as I was in despair Til I opened my eyes to him being there And it’s fine to blame others or blame myself But I think in the darkness I found a wealth In all that makes up emotional health The days I walked halls with the power of stealth And it’s unconcerning Though the fire’s burning And the sphere just turning With all I’ve been learning In the moment to stay quiet rather than speak I don’t want anyone to think I am weak But I must say the days were bleak And long and even as paneled teak Til he came in slowly like I didn’t know Left me with a place to go As gentle as he was sincere You know, my man, I hold you dear And if you e’er see a reflect In all that is circumspect Know that you opened gates for me So that my soul could be set free So that the diamond in me was ringing So beautiful, like angels singing And you were brave and you were true When you opened the field up, didn’t you To let me in or leave you out What are the words that come from my mouth When I try to describe What it means to feel alive In your gaze, your perfect eyes That double take my disguise So that the ends might be even You’re one of a kind, my pain relieving
I thought America was the global peacemaker Standing on the side of right But it just stands by and now I see They are still laying siege to me As I cower in a box they’ve locked Weaponry, they are well stocked And nobody cries in the night Hey man, this isn’t alright For all of the ways we delegitimate We can’t stop them from attacking another state Just because it don’t have the resource To resist that kind of force From sea to shining sea A devoted but I think you lost me
Power meets me at the gate And his message is I have to wait To be myself Because my mental health Is fragile and must be protected I stare at the monstrosities he has erected In the name of psychiatry But he does not believe me When I say that I am okay He just looks away And then into my eyes But I’m a girl in disguise And no longer bear the impression Of someone soliciting a confession Of a true heart I feel the wheel start To turn And I burn Under the weight as they intern Me in a camp for the broken And the best of me remains unspoken As I try to explain That you drink water because of the rain That floods the fields from the sky And we are only born so that we can die Into the unknown And my true colours shown Earn me a certificate It’s worse than a degree that my hunger whet On the beach Did you come here to teach Me just what I am And I resist the plan They have for me And fall into infinity And the body quakes I have got the shakes On the carpeted floor of the dorm But these hailstones keep me warm And I love a good storm If it clears the air If I speak the truth it’s because I was there
Olivia’s not got the license either Am I always so beneath her She cuts the chasm to the quick of call And I am worth nothing at all As she lies to herself by day and by night There’s nothing left of the old fight Just the ash of timber And the dream of being a little bit limber I drop the coal Coz in the ocean the waves roll And the sand is just somewhere For waves to crash like they don’t care It’s like I am just some other one To live with what I have not done And ancient prune the roses Or set up snapchat poses Is it just what we’re being fed Or is there some doubt instead Interwebbed with all the truth You can proclaim from days of youth There’s no saga left As I head out due west To find what I came here for But you’re the weather I adore In my hapless stance As you take someone to dance Across the sky I loved you so you would not die
Why won’t she accept what I’m giving her It’s a testament to what we were And she don’t want to hang with me Like the ocean is just all sea And salty water can’t hold the brine From soaking into everything that’s mine And I know she means no harm And I just wander around the farm Accepting the loss of wildfire days Where we spent our time in a haze Growing up and close Now you look like you’ve seen a ghost Every time that I smile at you And I’m scared of the truth that’s coming through Coz I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle the fact That I always want you back But you’re sold to something else Chalk it up to the wealth Of days we’ll never get to know But I’m with you everywhere you go
The amount of pain I can take Is it enough if somebody wake Coz I’m flowing like a waterfall Chasing ghosts down the hall And finding a mirage in front of me A reflection that I simply didn’t see But I’ve got to let go of the grudge I hold Against God, against life, against all I’ve been told Coz the winter isn’t getting any lighter And I really don’t wanna be a fighter It’s just the seasons crashed just then In a way they never will again And summer’s the only name I know I met you, loved you, then let you go And the trees shake their leaves To make up a forest you wouldn’t believe And I might be somewhat astray But don’t you know that I’m okay As I lead the life I love And you fit me like a glove Though I can’t wear it just now I hope you will allow Me to have my fair share of space No one’s gonna take your place
As I fight to stand still I am bowed under the will Of a force greater than me And it’s like a river set free I was never born of eternity But the temporal mists of time Til they gradually gave way to the forever that’s mine And I can’t resist the tide That struggles to keep me alive In the sea where the dead float And the people build a moat Around the castles they own Could you really say that you’re full grown If you still keep the flaws Of an ice that never thaws Like splinters in your side I let go of the war and I abide
I was trapped in a chasm of my own making And there’s no telling what you’re forsaking When you let the riverbed run itself And label me with poor mental health For daring to see the truth of the matter It’s about facing your demons or calling me a mad hatter And Power is thin and lost I get the sense he paid the cost For his education And now his profession is elimination Of anything like a shoot of green But he doesn’t see the roots in between The folds of soil He tells me who I am and my blood starts to boil Psychosis or manic depression But it is my confession That I have never known an altered state In anything except the boy that I date On the sly And it’s all getting by In the rocky shore Could you not close the door When I let you in Because you are not him And I need to be open to The water that is flowing through
It’s as though as I’ve been infantilised So that I can become human in their eyes And it’s not like me at all It doesn’t fit the brick wall That was erected In the space her love deflected Like it was a poison drink And I feel myself begin to sink In the grand abyss And my old self is something that I miss When young and seventeen I could manage the dream Just fine Til calamity became mine As his darkness spread a sea Over the blanket that had become of me Like clouds keeping the earth warm Eventually the break into a storm That fosters the people in their solemn grin And they say that sex is sin But they all do it anyway So I push that characterisation away Because if we go by generations past The pain will everlast Into the future And no suture Can heal the gauzy wound I watched the winds of doom Close in around that sea And they call it sacred warfare and indignity Seems to be the order of the day But I do not look away From the images that perforate The screen that masks the dark of hate That propels people into motion And suddenly I am floating Above it all And the call Pummels my door So I answer it, and what’s more I let it take me somewhere new I’m giving it up for them and I’m giving it up for you
I found beauty in the trauma And the flora and fauna Were hidden from me In the dark forest of history And she enclosed me with a snare It was almost as if I wasn’t there When she sent the splinter into my side Did she really not want me to be alive Because she did her best to trump the card Did she realise she made things so very hard And I was just a teen But I wanted to exit the dream By any ways and means And I’m sewing a dress but the seams Keep busting and they won’t fit And there are no boys I want to hit On anymore The dark expanse was the door Into a greater purveyance And the conveyance Was suffering and pain Til I opened my arms to the rain And instead of getting wet A sun broke that I cannot forget In my darkest night I became the light Of the only and ever one If you feel you are coming undone Then you are on the right track And somehow I cannot go back To what I was I know this because I have tried And I hide My new found skin With everyone except with him He just touched me paper thin And I realised destiny was a sin I long to make with his touch And I love him so very much Though he may never know I thought he should so I let the bird go And fly across the sea To where he lay in grey mystery Just pondering a solace But it was a volatile Explosion in the moment of us And though it hurt I still trust In the infinity that we are If you burn then let that star Combust in its own atmosphere That’s how you know that God is near
There is a feast that keeps alive And there were times I didn’t want to survive The aching pull of forever As it dragged me to another endeavour Far across the sea And New York just wasn’t me When I found myself on its streets But there is no one that it meets On a level playing field So I follow the wind and I yield On Flatbush avenue I’d never felt so black and blue Walking towards the Brooklyn Bridge Like it was Hacksaw Ridge And the forest had enclosed Me and the path I chose It was dark and serene And something screamed to wake the dream Into the boundlessness of true life I will never be a wife Over the love of you But I will be your One if you want me to He just sighs and looks away And there is nothing left to say On the phone to keep him there And I hear him swear Silently under his breath His monotone sings of resentment and regret And it blisters my skin like a poison chalice It’s almost like I can sense the malice That brews underneath And someone calls me the Messiah on the street And I wonder if I emanate that charm Or if I should ring the alarm That keeps me safe from harm They call it medication I call it the train station That docks opposite ports And there is a divorce Somewhere in our history But it doesn’t envelop the mystery That you always are I look up and you’re my North Star
There was a demon I saw in her It let go and destroyed what we were And it’s belligerence knocked buildings and homes Til I was in a room crying all alone And trying to find even keel Because of all this weight that I feel And I try to tell souls but they don’t care Or they don’t understand because they weren’t there When it all went down As she screams into her cup And I have had enough Of that rejection So I depart from natural selection And find my own ground It is a peaceful sound In my room all alone And I lock the darkness out of my phone Because I gravitate Towards the light that equivocate The messes I have made And if you’re a tree do you love shade Just because that’s what you cast I didn’t think this thing would last So very long And I know I look strong But the wind knows the weakness in my knees The foibles in what I believe To be true Why do I still trust you?
There is a map of the problematic And there are people at it Again as I close the door Because I don’t want to hear any more And does that make me cold or aloof Because I need the proof Of what I have come to be When you meddle with a river set free You will be flush with water And they can say I am haughtier Than I’ve ever been But I stand outside the dream And just watch Everyone burning down the clock Saying that they have fun But I see the end and it is one With the present moment scent I don’t know where yesterday went Because it was here a moment ago But I can’t hold onto it, so I let it flow And something unfolds Like the spirit had foretold An eon past And what is it that will last When our bodies have faded to dust Born of either love or lust There is no opposite to the true And I see it in you
The worst thing about it is she thinks she’s a friend to me When she was the reason I was set free From all of the chains, from all of the binds I look at them and they are out of their minds Thinking they can contain An ocean in a sea of rain As it’s pouring down What would you do if I drown In that holy water No longer foe, no longer daughter Just some girl you used to know I know you are sad so I’m taking it slow Slowly as a ribbon untied The fading away that’s before your eyes As it all falls to pieces What exists when the world ceases?
She searches for a forever And every endeavour She touches with her hands Turns into slipping sands I find myself on my own And we have not grown Out of each other We have just found that it smother To attach a brick To the hand which throw at a bitch Of a window It wouldn’t let me in though So I just cried outside the door Til I couldn’t find my eyes anymore There was no death I could ever have died That would amount to the way I lied About who I was Just because It would fall outside the fold And I had always been the child made of gold But it’s finally come to the scene That where I used to dream I must make real And steal Away into the night So that others might see the light When they’re confused and in the dark And know that no mark That they ever could sustain Would mean they have weathered rain There is something pristine I say it loud and proud in the dream So, that like a pinch You might wake and cinch The enlightenment you crave It’s not the superman that save But the place from which he came And now that I know it’s name I’ll never be the same
What do I try to write What do I try to encapsulate Is it just to snare a man on a date Or find forever on a sheet of white Is it wonderlust or just shite As I seek to see reflected The place where we wrecked it In the middle And in Spidéal I found a degree of independence But it was rendered dark by endings And I had a pain in my side And Granny worried about me living this life As I lay on the top bunk Writing in a diary about all the junk That occupied my mind And there’s a memory I wish I could leave behind I left a note in the door That said, a stór Could you please stop stealing our stuff I wanted to be Nancy Drew in love But the lady found it on the floor And I could barely walk to the core Of where I had been before And twenty years later I still feel the burn Of all I had yet to learn About decorum and holding back The part of me with a car jack Ready to take off the wheel I was crushed by the way she must feel In response to my malfeasance And somehow I wished I could dance In those shoes again With my broken finger and disdain for men At thirteen years old I would embrace not scold And regale with tales or tunes Of all the friends in those rooms
Why do I cry over the spilt milk She had given it to me to feed the kitten And I dropped the jug and broke it And suddenly, tears I am only four years old And my grandmother would never scold But the kitten is all wet Something I cannot forget So I ask for something to dry her with And now the memory stick In my throat But it’s not because of the cat I quote It’s because of the love that put me there And showed me the deepest care As she never let me see the sadness that encased Or the dreams that were erased By the passage of time And somehow you will always be mine In this space I will never forget your face Though your image fades I will keep it on a page So that I am reminded That you have to lose it to find it And somehow, somewhere in the serene I wake up to the dream And know that you did not die And all the tears I could not cry Were not wasted in vain All the encapsulated pain Is freed into the sky I’m just left with the question why We don’t get to be forever Under this weather It’s always in the scene I see you in the sunbeam And in the riverbed prose That splits the path into two roads Will hold until we meet again But I’m here now, just say when
Do I reveal my ardent passion And I loved with the stealth of an assassin Always creeping on your page Then skipping town like it’s all the rage And you never expected Til you rejected Me after I gave you the chance to hold my soul And I know somewhere I am whole But it feels I am fragmentary blue Since the day I professed to you And you balked and threw the page At me with the full force of rage That you felt towards your self And I know you’ve had problems with your mental health But why do you take them out on me When I only ever want to set you free To liberate you from chains So you can dance in the blessed rains But you just get wet And tell me that you forget The day that we met And if I could do anything for you It would be to disappear from view So you can continue with your plan You’ve got a woman so you must be a man And I respect her enough to release The hold on you that decease As I walk away Surely you didn’t expect me to stay
The darkest sin Was the day I let him in And it was the best thing I ever did I almost nearly flipped my lid When he smiled at me like that I fell in love now I can’t take it back And I wouldn’t even if I could I met you in the wood When the night came close And you kissed me like you love me the most My lips, eclipse and you a ghost To turn invisible when I reach out to touch The hand I love to hold so much When it was offered to me I thought your love was free But you exact a price And you know it isn’t nice To show your heart then bunker down Til I’m searching all over the town Just to find the web you weave You wipe your face with your sleeve You let me in and I believe That this could be forever But you would never Let the outside in So I let go of him And he finds another girl And now I guess the alcohol swirl To the tune of her name It was you and I, now it’s not the same Since I found out I drove straight through the roundabout Trying to find a way to peace But I just give up and the pain cease
She keeps the gate between here and the other world And I know I seem just like a girl Having an existential crisis But all of my vices Are my greatest strengths Why did I bother to tell her where it went Like some kind of suicide That happened while I was still alive I saw the scene And realised it was a dream That we were walking through And I opened the door right in front of you As I pointed out the way the flaws Are how the ice thaws Out in an age of snow And glaciers that move so slow I will not let go But I must meet this part of me I thought I needed help but really I just needed to be free To explore and name The source of my secret shame As it plays out on a page The book of me and the rage I kept inside But the part of me that I hide Is the best thing I own And I know it wasn’t shown On my face that day in the clinic But I’m not in the game just so I can win it I am here for all of you And I want you to know I’ve walked through the trenches too And made my way out So if you live in self doubt Let the mirage escape Like wind from a balloon in the shape Of a dog or tree I wouldn’t tell you if it hadn’t happened to me
There was a woman at the door And she wouldn’t let me through So I pushed at the gate That led me to you And it was a sorry sight When she named my plight As some kind of torture I said I’ll sort ya Out But her doubt Has me sending daggers in my eyes Across the room and my disguise Wilts under the weight And the hate Builds a bridge Between what was mine and what is always his And she shone a star As I drove my car Down the strip I take another hit For the sake of the team But the dream Can never have me now It’s something I will not allow Though I sit in their spaces They throw shapes and I make faces To show my displeasure But really I treasure All that I’ve come to be It’s just a pity she does not see
What to do when the darkness eat me Do I just let the trauma unseat me As I bridge the gap All the people told me to map With my eyes And I live in disguise As I agree with what they say But it only ever gets in the way Of what I mean And it was just a dream That I could occupy A place where people go to die It was like a graveyard of sin And I just walked into it with him So he would not be alone I clicked like on my phone And so it began But I ran From the grasp of the window keepers And I was in the ward when the sleepers Came to check on my eyes And the tendencies of things to die The light was blinding and I try to explain That I love the rain But it goes unheard And the bird Sits on the sill I know I said I would but I never will Give up the fight I just want you to know I am alright In my sunshine boots And underneath the tree has roots That go deep into the soil And when the pot has come to the boil You take it off I know it coz I paid the cost
The mess I’ve made Trying to avoid the shade Of the tree That seemed to grow up over me While I was asleep And the problem keep For another day I don’t want it to get in the way Of what I am And I have no plan But I contemplate Every single offered date That makes a mark on the calendar And people would do well to remember That the sun slants shadows on the wall But they’re not really there at all There are merely cast by something that’s in the way And the people say I’ve errant desire But I never tire Of showing them what I mean Something woke the dream And now I see It was never up to me It was always the great expanse And the power to watch the leaves dance
I feel the burn of evisceration So I change the tv station And snap out of the trap As if the reason could be found on a map Why I am the way I am Nothing ever goes to plan And that’s the way it’s meant to be It took me thirty years to see That my life is not a mistake That someone on the other side made shake With the power of an earthquake In ruins I ask what I’m doing I’ve only broken words to say I am okay And I was locked in a room And told to deal with the doom On my own Self soothe while all alone But I open up and expand And take every offered hand That slips through my fingers like sand And the doctor has power to direct my fate But I don’t give in to hate Or bitterness, I just let go And feel the snow Upon my skin When I’m talking to him Telling him I am okay He looks at me like I fabricated the day When my ego went away And broke into sun Is it wrong if I say I am One With all that exists And the mists Have cleared the windshield glass I don’t need to make a thing last I can just surrender And remember It’s not what you think you know It’s what you live as you go
There seems to be some error with space As he does not know his place When it comes to me And if I am really free Then why can’t I enforce a boundary Between you and I And I am always afraid that you will die So I just give in And let myself only ever think of him As he moves further and further away Like a star system that cannot stay In my orbit anymore And a closed door Is nothing in the quantum realm Where vibration is at the helm And frequency is all that you can trust I watched the whole thing go bust As God just stood by Asking why the people cry If they believe in heaven too And I say it’s because of the absence of You In the perception And self rejection At the heart of the human dilemma Do you remember All that you were in the beginning And if physical love is a form of sinning Why does it create life And if it’s my destiny to be a wife Then why do I love all I encounter And I know that you doubt her When she says her heart is true But it only ever beat for you
There is power in this moment And I feel it when I own it And let the pain go Like the sky just lets the snow From its grasp Because no cloud can last In a frozen form And when the days get warm All that ice will melt So it goes with how I felt In the midst of the blackest night But the dawn came and I was alright As I pondered suicide And what it means to be alive That may have been eons ago But it leaves its mark on you, you know And I just want to let anyone know who trudges That there is a peace that never budges And it’s to be found right where you are You don’t have to journey to a star To find your own burning strength I used to wonder where it went As I hid out between the lines So that they couldn’t define Me as mentally ill Or someone with a dysfunctional will I am forever free And just because the night visited me Doesn’t mean I don’t know the sun It all collapsed into one And I could see that duality Is only there to bring out the best of me When I don’t know who I am I close my eyes and trust in God’s plan
If I don’t write it now I never will Why does our skill In that department go unrewarded Like an email that remains unforwarded And we conform to all kinds of stereotype When we step out of bounds it really isn’t nice As we’re met with the lashings of society Come on now, it can’t be just me Because to be female means meek and compliant Not subject to feelings that are violent And rude and loud and unfettered In an avenue that cannot be bettered And there is so little discourse so I take to the web To find out what I’m missing instead But all this passion in the astral plane May be in vain If I cannot make real All the beauty that I feel In our encounter as we roll the dice And I am so much more than nice When it comes to red and blue Cold meets warm and me and you In the winter of my life I found something beyond the strife And I may never be a wife But I’m letting go the night As the only place to share I step forward and I dare To break the silent vow That we all follow somehow In case we would betray Ourselves and what we’ve put away For safe keeping But I amn’t sleeping When I cover the sin The simple joy of me and him
I know that he and I Will always be one here, we will never die Like all bodies are destined to But I found heaven in you And it’s something that cannot be taken away Not even when comes the day That the great forgive must let us go As we travel into mists we do not know But I was bought and sold The moment I saw solid gold Shine from his eyes And I know though he tries He cannot separate Me from the place where we equate Everything we ever were To the trust he found in her And in us It’s not just lust It is a spiralling spark That shines even brighter in the dark So much so that I wish for my old days When I was lost in so many ways And the balance I’ve found And the solid ground Only distances the despair I loved because you were there
There is a distance in time and space It takes you away from the Now But you have shown me somehow That there is no way you could be removed From where I am in tune With the stars and sea He is always with me Even though we haven’t spoken in ten years Even though I cried bitter tears Over our supposed separation And my education Only ever confirmed That there is always more to be learned When you try to ignite the fire And I do not tire Of my twin flame dreams Because nothing is as it seems When you water it down There’s something about this town That still sings to me And our history In separate schools Breaking all but the most pressing rules As we fight to be free I know you had your destiny To meet But would you greet Me at the door Because, darling, I always want more
My time as a drifter And the time he wanted to shift her In Hillstreet in the dark And I lost a part Of myself when I agreed To the part of me that it freed In the lines in between It was the worst part of the dream I had just been set free from the blocks And I was all about breaking locks And seeing how far I could take it But I didn’t mean to wake it Up from where it lay And it is not okay That when the dragon breathes fire You blame me for the post that I conspire To burn in my flame I am not within my name I am barely brimming at the edges And I can see over the hedges As the man trims them with his machine And I am who I’ve always been But that seems to do me no good If I can only find salvation in the wood And when I’m on my own If I could’ve I would’ve known Twenty years ago But it took time for the life to show Through the facade of the veil And I set sail On a foreign sea To find the part of me That I lost in the melee Do you think you could just be a friend to me?
South Africa’s leading the charge And we are all floating on a barge Down the river Thames Watching it happen again And over one hundred and fifty years ago The Irish were starved to death so The British could maintain their economy The invisible hand and the maize crop they take away from me So how do I not feel Palestine As though the struggle was mine Babies screaming in the street As the winter steals the heat And Israel bombs the buildings Do they not care for the children Who will grow up with war wounds Or the ones who died too soon The mothers, fathers, family, friends Is this how the world ends Watching silently from the western front As a people bear the brunt Of what’s held in the unconscious And I don’t know what they want us To do in the movement in between When they convince the dream That it is reality But the lie is not getting the best of me
There is a black pool at the core of my being When it’s light it’s just a reflection you’re seeing Of the moon in the water And I have been a “good” daughter Always abiding by the rule Getting grades to fly by in school But I have grown up and in And I found myself in him When he set me free from the stricture And it was a mighty picture When he showed me his own shade of blue And I wanted to be one with you As you just were yourself And my mental health Is not up for debate But I’ve learned there’s something beyond the hate You can even hold for yourself There is a wealth In verdant green And it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen
The antecedent knows its own role And I lie in the expanse of my own soul As the bombs go off Or another person coughs As, I, awake in my bed Wonder what they would have said If they’d have known What was going down And I may visit the bay again Just don’t say when Because it is a futile ploy When I see my stars in a boy As he shines from afar He is my favourite star In the darkness of outer space I wonder if all these years have gone to waste Since I told him I love him And I would never hold myself above him But I feel like I was reduced For the receipts I couldn’t produce So I decided to write and write Even if it is sometimes shite Trying to get it on lock I don’t want to be something that I’m not But when I take a pill I swear I never will Be all I claim I am It’s like Kilglass winning Sam Impossible but still a dream Like me and the queen Inside my riverbed heart Blue and red from the start Do I use the pain to make art And the futility to show that the taking part Is the best part of the win I just hope I get to be with him Somehow, someday Anyway Thanks for listening Oh, look my teardrop’s glistening
The Poetry Book 