The futility and helplessness sets the kettle to boil And I wouldn’t be a daughter of this soil If the tragedy of conflict didn’t run in my veins And if I didn’t understand their pains As they’re bombed into an oblivion How do I forgive them For what they don’t know they do When they are crucifying you For all they want to gain Because of the mechanics of their pain As it spins round and round And delivers verdict without a sound Only the deafening quiet of thunder Another neighbourhood going under To the sound of crush And the people rush To see who they can save As western civilisation cave Under the weight of its own oppression And every truth seems like a confession We make in the dark And we scroll past the things that leave a mark And I watch young men in suits Brush past the truth Like it is an inconvenient stare That they don’t want to admit is there When they don’t want it to be And if the Mediterranean Sea Is the only place you can find solid ground You know the silence has been lost in sound
I burn CDs to know the truth And each song reminds me of you As your image fragments and splits into two A mirror reflecting what is already gone Twenty years old and sining your song As you let me see your heart And I turn the pain into art That I can turn over again and again Like an embroidered cushion of all the men I’ve loved in the past From Paddy to the one that will last Past the bounds of death And he says that he forgets What we were And only has eyes for her And I should let him go But I don’t think he know What he means to me And if the dream would let me be I would let him see That it’s he and I eternity In the wilderness and the scrub You know it that it’s true love When unconditionality breaks the kernel of The ego you thought was All that there was to you Now I know that I’m more than I could ever do In this world of form And the image of you makes my cheeks warm And my heart do a jig But you’re working on an oil rig And every fire I think to set Only endangers what was met In the honesty I let slip through When I told you that I love you
There is an empire nobody sees And it has everyone on their knees Struggling to make ends meet As people try to die on their feet Through the beauty blogs Or the city that the pollution smogs But never good enough is the refrain And you can only ever paper over the pain As we try to keep everything in frame So we can keep up with a name That we have identified as ours And the powers That be pull tight on the rein As someone else takes the blame For what is beyond the pale You can’t buy what is not up for sale And I watch the horrors encompass the whole And you may not be able to steal their soul But you sure can make their body hurt Make them long for death and what’s worse Is you do it in the name of the free But you sure as fuck do not do it for me As I balk and retreat And admit total defeat In a war that can’t be won Watch a mother sacrifice her son For some hidden clause The video skips when I hit pause On the show And I cannot let go Of everything I’ve come to be And a man down on one knee Is not my salvation Neither is my education So pulverised and perfect, true But I didn’t do it for you As I let the wind go slack The years you waste you can’t get back
The tribesmen of the highlands in Scottish weather As they walk though the mountainous air that only does them better Than any city smog could know And people think they know better so They denigrate what seems like dust But there’s something in their freedom that I trust As they scream their battle cry And head into war to die As they face a foreign foe For the kingdom that they know Living on the brilliant expanse Of the wind that makes the leaves dance And I don’t want to make no enemy Out of grey modernity And what those people have become Mixing genes with ancestors that have known some Of the brutal blow of a sword Or the things they think of for which there is not a word To describe the horror inflict And the end may come quick Or it may come slow But I just wanna say I don’t think they know What they profess to And I see the Celt in you
There is a bullet in my body, some kind of shrapnel I got from the war I fought With a boy who can’t be bought Not with trinkets polished to gold Not with promises of growing old Only the truth raises his eyes And lets him see with no disguise As he looks into me Letting part of it go free As it struggles to get loose What is the point that you prove When you seek to impress Me so you can see me undress In your mind And I ask what’s left behind In the water that we find Somewhere on the shore And I visit Loch Lomond and adore The wilderness of mountains frame When the English played their games With the lives of their so called subjects But I reject Their colonial expanse That would have killed the dance Every human heart is party to And I see that freedom in you As you fight with me And you don’t know that your integrity Is my favourite thing about ya Did you think I doubt ya When you say that no means no And I love you but I let it go And trust that fate will bring us together In this sea of highland weather The Celt in my bones Won’t leave it alone And I just call you “one more time” Would it be a crime If I crossed your girlfriends line That has been drawn in the sand And I cannot love someone else’s man Though I do My soul will ever call to you Across the ocean between us I think God might dream us When we conceive of a future we own And do you lose if the game has been thrown?
Can I not speak my truth As I try to put words to my youth And the boy that blazed the sky Across the part of me that would not die Not matter how they tried To bury me with the tears they’ve cried Over ancient wounds But he walks into rooms And just changes the air Not someone else is there And I can’t knock Even though there are things that it is not Could I just be your friend And wait for things to end With her So we can reconnect with what we were And my sister warns me to stay away And my mother lets me know I would have to pay A price I can’t afford If I risk my room and board In the home I built for us Because paper wrinkled with broken trust Can’t be merged back into fine Without someone having to do hard time As I walk in the night It’s five o’ clock and, alright It’s to early to call So I bang my head off a wall And hope that it will soothe the drum That whispers to me what we will become If I just let it flow Why is it that being told to let go Makes me feel like someone’s stabbing my guts And the model in me struts Down the aisle But the lioness only smile As she bares her teeth We both stood on the street Near the monument to 1916 And sometimes I wonder if it was only ever a dream To think you loved me then Because I have watched boys become men And what they lose in the shutting down And women craving a white gown To give them worthiness points In a society that anoints Babies into a secular sphere And you know the end is near When you begin But, for once, I hope you win When you try to wash away The part of me that won’t let you stay Near the shore that I created And I never wanted to be educated And forget the truth I am I love you like Ros wants Sam And your smile breaks the scene I wish you the best of this broken dream
The line I shouldn’t cross Tries to tell me who’s boss With it’s threats and warnings And just because it’s storming Doesn’t mean that’s not how it’s meant to be Is the weather messing with me And I hear the call of Frances deep Behind every promise that I keep Somewhere int he wood Of the lines of feeling good As I surfed that wave And all the people I was going to save With my wilderness heart And the love that God had set apart For you and I But does the water die When it slips through your fingers And are the bringers Of the other side Really merchants of doom All I can say is I know when you’re in the room Coz I feel you before I see you But there are days I wouldn’t want to be you As I feel the current pushing forth Past the boundaries of no remorse And you found a safe haven with her And I don’t want to risk it on what we were So I can’t be your friend Coz I’m only ever waiting for it to end So we can take up where we left off And in that kind of love someone must pay the cost Of losing what they thought to hold So I put the letters in bold I love you but I’m letting you go I’ll hold on forever though, just so you know
Is there a girl code Because I let him into my abode And now he won’t get the fuck out Even when I told him what I’m about And that I didn’t know about you When I let him do what he wanted to do As I felt the pulling thunder In the sheets I was lying under And I turned to meet his face Now all I see is the disgrace Of knowing that he was with you The whole four years I wanted to Let him be And our history Is tainted and blue And I guess it’s nothing new To say that men will connive Every minute they’re alive But I’m bitter now And jaded and somehow Only see the dark side of the grain As the sky pours with rain Down unto the glen And amen Is the end to every prayer Was he ever even there When he whispered those words to me Like a future planning history As we interlock our fingers Now I just jump at phone ringers Coz I don’t know what the news will be And tragedy Always seem to come down the line And you said that he was fine But I wonder do you know him at all Because I spent an age staring at his wall To divinate And I wouldn’t want a man of mine in that state So I offer him an olive branch or two But he snaps back that he’s with you So I let it fall into the flood And hope that the result will be good But it’s a burden And I wonder if you heard him When he cried on his own The boy I love on the golden throne
Am I the Jolene of the story As he implored me To just let him be And I feel a rankling in my dignity Why would he take this story down As if it would destroy his town And I have no beef with his girl But I had to tell him that the world Revolves around his sun of stars And I was chasing cars Around my head in my room When I was fifteen and kissed the doom As it met you there And I know you care But I rip the page from the typewriter Because my friend said I would have to fight her To get to you And it’s not something I’ve a mind to do I just wanted you to know That I have not let go
The forest child in me Is longing for the rivers to let her go free As I take refuge on the beach That someone thought to teach Me was there And I’m so grateful and I care About what will happen to this next generation Will it be beyond an education As I meditate And something puts me in another state Where I can fly And I am not afraid to die Into incandescent blue Just because you Clutch onto fear Doesn’t meant that love is not near Ready to abide And something in me hide Away this secret deathless realm From the people who would submerge the helm Like the girl with the degree In deciding what to do with me When I confess That everything in that red dress Always felt the same And she knows my name But she doesn’t get my soul If I told her each wave roll Would she understand And I decide to forgive my man
I feel the grey encroach upon my consciousness And who do I address the letter That I could do better And I need help to reach out of this prison cell Of all the people that wish me well And I’m just sitting in a café, what the hell I have to escape But I am right here, right now And that’s gotta be enough somehow But I strain against the edge of my chains And I know that the rains Will fall soon And the bells of doom Will echo ever near but ever far And every star Is born to turn into a black hole And what will happen to my soul When it quakes against the edge of the limit I have to give up the desire to “win it” Because it is no good to me now And I hate the conflict that I allow To penetrate the mist Of the zone in which I exist And is it just screaming into the abyss Throwing my prayers outwards in case there’s something that I miss In the soothing of an age I rip the page Out of the typewriter And search for something to ignite her
I got lost in the third eye blues And everything called me to pay my dues But I didn’t have any money Though I’m wealthy as fuck, honey I slot the puzzle piece into the jar As I wonder what you are And the nomad in me looks for change But it’s not the kind that rattles when you’re outta range It’s the kind that breaks like the sun Across the sky and over everyone And I play the perfect princess I know to whom I must address That painful moniker And you’ve all already met her Somewhere in my early teens When I was still staring across moonbeams Into the stars I shook against the prison bars And she had the key I didn’t realise that she was locking me In there Or if I did I didn’t care Because she used to make me laugh But when she shattered the glass she didn’t do it by half And I let it go, forgiveness now I’m good at that but some remains somehow Like a grain of sand in the oyster shell I grit my teeth as I wish her well And I’ve lots of secrets I will never tell Well not to her, not now, though she rings the bell That signals me to come But, hun I’m not Pavlov’s dog And in the fire there’s a log Burning more than well enough to keep me warm And though you brought the storm I don’t hate you And fair play to the men who date you They have more steel than me But nothing is more real than eternity And it’s something that will not break So though you shake Everything in sight I still give a shite
I rail against making shitty art Because I’ve got to do it with heart But sometimes I’ve just got to pour the cracks and creases With a love that never ceases As I flex my knuckles to breaking point And somewhere a baby anoint Into a chasm of a different making Am I labouring under what I’m forsaking The church and motherhood Do I give both up for good Because I’m nearly thirty four And I’ve been told to make shakes or the floor Will drop out from under my feet In the instance of a heartbeat And is it just to reclaim the child within That I want one with him Though I’d never say Not face to face anyway In my hidden stance I defy All the parts of him that try to die Against my will Does he even know what he would kill If he thought to take the drink and spill It out over the ground I don’t make a sound As the earth quakes But something in me breaks As though he’s taking a hammer to it And nothing, not even his wit Can put it back together Are we all summer weather Friends And when it all ends Will anything remain If I play this track again
There is pain and there is peace And there is a moment where both cease To mean anything at all And I’m staring at a wall Just tap tapping my pen And I feel it all again And it is as though the universe rehearse The plaid shirt poetry in my verse As it speaks to me through life And I always thought I’d be a wife But that doesn’t seem to be my thing I would prefer truth over a ring And I can’t condense this immaculate soul Into something that is just a role For there is love and there is joy But can I tie myself to a boy Forevermore And forsake the soul I adore Or is there a way he can open the expanse So that both our spirits will dance Together in unison But he just chooses to get his gun And shoot at cacti in the desert I question his poor self worth But he doesn’t seem to be inclined to rise And settles like sand at the bottom of my eyes And the glass is half empty, never full I bathe his wounds with cotton wool So it will not inflict too much pain But how can a man stand this much rain And I know the fields are green so There is much that will grow And an abundance of fertility And for all his virility I can’t put my finger on what isn’t gone I just know I can’t ignore our song As I pull back from the book and gram Some metaverse serving someone’s plan In the ether It’s not me either It’s a seed to sow I hold on, just so you know And though you beg me to let go It’s just not in my make up So why don’t you just wake up And see the sky above your head it will keep you from the dread That forms moats around your castles And I know you want a girl with tassels But I don’t think that’s what I am I said to him as I hold his hand And in confusion iridescent blue Meets my own in a new hue
I don’t know what we were But I know I don’t wanna fight with her But I feel her get my back up When I offer her love And she slaps my hand Like the hourglass isn’t pouring sand And all of us into the ocean Why are you afraid to show emotion Is it just me Or is it the dragon that was set free Two decades ago And somewhere amidst the snow The annals of us are preserved I try to keep my cool but I am unnerved By the sheer lack of the sea In the meadows that lap against me And I can’t make it better and I can’t mend What she never broke but doesn’t intend To rectify There is a part of us that can never die And a part that does day by day I wonder why she is that way And the reason seems clear But she doesn’t know how I hold her dear And is it my lot to be unknown And only have my true colours shown When a stranger just walks into my days And tells me I’m free in so many ways And he thinks I hate him, I can hear him sigh But the mists move the mountains and I cry Out with the fear of it But he’s alcohol and I take a sip And find myself head of heels Like I’m lost on instagram reels Just trying to find my source I am not a child of divorce But I know the fracture when the world splits Or the chasm that opens when death hits You hard in the gut And someone you love things you’re in a rut But I would never leave the flowerbed Above the grave that marks your head So I’ll just let you know That I was not born to let go
I miss David more than I can explain I look outside and it’s rain And it was always sun when he was around Like he gave meaning and life to sound And he burst colour into the scene As though I was alive within the dream And now all is dull and grey And what is it that people say Life is what you make it And love is deep so don’t forsake it But I don’t know how to utter your name Without making you take the blame For all that we could never be I saw you down on one knee Proposing to me But you laugh in my face and the indignity Of the moment have me cracking open The shell that was the kernel of hoping For more than just words on the page And the silent rage Pounds against the walls of my castle And I wonder is romance worth the hassle If it means I must go up against Your past and your present tense And maybe you’ll never know what it meant When you accepted the letter I sent
It’s the little things Like wedding rings And fire that ignite And I hear that you like What you see And when the person is me I blush and then sigh And I don’t say goodbye To you again Coz I’ve made my peace with the notion of men How you can’t show affection Without them wanting to add you to their collection Of dolls sitting on the wall But that isn’t me at all Except when I’m walking by the rows And the feeling shows As I smirk And I didn’t think that this would work But it does And the story starts because I let you in the door When I’m walking on the ground floor Of the building grey But the door unlocks when you say Hello to me I didn’t think that I would be Clutching at straws at thirty three
Did you not notice you already buried me I say to her as she sets me free Of her bullet strung chain That she shakes around herself in vain Because I’m like the white horse that’s gotten away And there’s nothing she can say That will hold me there now And somehow I know this will be the last time her oppression Tries to elicit a confession From my lips And I always liked eclipse But the thread is always there to fray And its like what you say I already know That’s why I’m letting you go
She uses broken arrows to fire at me Then says that she sets me free But her archery is not second place And she knows how to deface A wall with her spray paint eyes And bulletproof disguise And we’ll never be what we were Because you cracked the crisp leaf beside her And stabbed me in the front (only enemies stab you in the back) Still though your love don’t mean jack Not now, not anymore And I’ll always have affection for you, mo stór But our two by two is now shattered glass Because you thought he just wanted ass And so you sought to protect Me from being a reject But in seeing me in the lowest terms I set fire to the hay and it burns Up all the crackling grass And she said that this too shall pass But she’s not the one who has to live through the story I know she’ll just ignore me If I try to press my case So I fall silent in the land gone to waste And spill it all out onto a page All my bubbling pain and held back rage When she’s in the room I don’t know, you echo the bells of doom
I walked on the eggshells of not knowing where to look Should I do this one by the book Or throw the rules out of the window I know she has her eyes on him though As I spy her through my eyeglass And we both agree that Darragh is class And maybe I shouldn’t mention his name But he’ll only see this when I’m way high and fame Has taken me to the door Of all the people I love but mo stór Let me tell you you were epic And I hope I didn’t wreck it And that somewhere in your heart You still have me on start And hit go every now and then I look up and worship as you say Amen To the starshot in my eyes I almost dropped the disguise When she asked me which guy I liked And my courage almost spiked But then I just deflect I think she knows though, I suspect And it was over ten years ago Time passes (most people don’t know) But something’s eternal, something’s ever there Like the way I know you care As we walk the dark path into the grounds Of the apartment complex and all the sounds Fall to the silence of our footsteps I cried that night into my own regret And it was one of the first few days I started writing again In the end something begin And I went chasing after Haley’s comet But someone else is already on it So I just wrote this note to say I still think of you, okay Even if it’s though the moonbeams And the dresses that are ripped at the seams Because they took their cutting scissors to them Still, I wish I could play you again
There are childhood haunts They rise up and grip And I am myself when I let the mask slip Like Keyz and I playing Freespace And all the years that went to waste Just soaking in the sun When I met the man I love I run And I don’t know why that is Because I’ve always been his And if I could only explain to her What we were I think she could understand It wasn’t like I had anything planned I just know what soul speaks And I count the years, months and weeks Since we’ve last talked Since you walked And the demons sat on the edge of my consciousness The doctor said I was “in distress” But he doesn’t know jack And I want my freedom back The freedom to feel, to wreak havoc or hell Without people telling me I’m unwell As they submerge what’s only tide And try to kill what is alive In me But I’ll always be This girl of colour and plunging dark It’s from the night where rises the spark And it visits me again and again One day it’s a bird, next it’s men And then I realise I won’t settle Thorny as a rose and stinging like a nettle But somehow singing like a kettle When you put me on boil Or is that just what it is to be a Coyle
I scream but it doesn’t bring her back And sometimes all you can think about is what you lack And I saw her at fifteen washing the dishes And I know that in spite of all of our hugs and kisses I will have to say goodbye to her And does that mean what we were Will cease to exist And I have to let the mourn Become something new that’s born Because they say to move on But there’s a space where you’re gone And nothing will ever be the same again I could fall into the men I crave and creep towards But at the end of the day its only words When what you love will surely die No matter how you try and try And insidious is the despair When you realise that they’re not there Anymore And the open door Where it was always closed coz we were sitting at the fire And I tire Of the baseless platitudes I just remember the charisma you exude And how now we stand at a cold grave For nothing can save Anyone of us from our fate Should I have went on that first date
I will, yeah also means no It’s easier if you just let it go And don’t try to understand Because woman can never be man And every one of them came from one of us And I wonder if that’s why they’re cursed As they try to get back to what they know And it’s something I don’t show But I have all the answers And I was one of the dancers In the midst of the trouble I burst that particular little bubble Of yours When I kicked in the doors On what you thought you were I know you’re with her But that doesn’t mean I won’t still speak the truth And pulverise your pretty little youth As you play the brute With me but you’re a fool Coz I can pierce your cool With a single look As you try to do it by the book And I know I’m being unreasonable, phew I just can’t look at you
My psychosis Was just more evidence I am precocious For my age It’s was at age thirty two I last turned the page And soon I’ll be turning it again Make of that what you like, Amen And I liked that boy in the band What do you call him, Matty something and underhand Is his gaze when he winks at me But I’d give it away for free If those eyes would just meet mine I try it a thousand times But I can never make it stick And the guy’s friend said he could be a dick But I don’t agree Because what he has isn’t what he is, you see And I got excommunicated from any kind of rationale And now he just wants to call me his pal As he plays home with another girl I think they have a kid, in any kind of normal world Coz he’s the same age as me (well close enough) And if you purse your lips it must be love In the aftermath Of the bloodbath That was our last encounter I asked him to denounce her And he refused Denounced me instead, the cool fucking dude Then set the dogs on me And they bit my tail til I let them go free And they took parts of me with them Are they going to come after me again If I start telling the truth And live up to the promise of my youth Prolific writer and seeing stars everywhere Looking round to catch Kenie’s stare As he is turning it full flare on me Is there something else that I can be Other than some man’s object of affection Throwing me against a wall just so he can make a selection And own me like everybody else I’m sorry that I made butter melt But I’m not your doll That’s why I didn’t answer the call
Old misery bones is shaking her chains again I look outside and it’s rain And my life is terrible and awful But while I’m taking the meds it’s still lawful To feel this way Is there something in what the people say That the door will hit you on your way out And he had enough of my smart mouth When he hit me with it Called me quick witted Then pulled the rug from under my feet Like we’re in bed and it’s a sheet And it’s disallowed to speak this way I remember what Mark used to say And how I didn’t understand But nodded along as long as it was planned And the encyclopaedia was a treasure trove of information Til people tell you you’re getting above your station But I love my mind Even if I’ve left part of it behind Embarking on this route And I like that man although he’s a flute And plays like the pied piper every day And people wonder how he got that way As if he was flung from the sky Just falling from on high And I know it was a lie When he said he was okay Like the ghost that lies in the hay Tormenting my soul As the waves roll Into the grand abyss Do you remember the years we used to kiss Anytime we wanted Now my halls are haunted And they all ring with the sound of you I left because I thought you wanted me to
The weeping starts when you realise That everyone you love dies Sooner or later So the question isn’t whether you should date her It’s do you cherish her now Coz that’s the only moment fate will allow You to be sure of He fit me like a glove But I could see sunset in his eyes And it was a thinly veiled disguise As his broken need met my solemn stare And I swore I would be there For him through thick and thin Even if I’m only working from within And the chains come to whip my skin And not in a good way like his predilection In a way that separates souls And crashes waves against the shore as they roll Knowing all of us will be shattered by life Obliterated beyond the husband and wife We sought to be And I always saw you down on one knee But I also saw you crucified And if I said I didn’t love you, well, I lied Coz I can’t bear the departure That comes with every gate you open to your heart, your Spirit And I don’t know if you can hear it But I whisper your name every night Before sleep takes me in the twilight And your brutal assault Closed the doors of my vault But they open when you’re not looking So I can watch every flight that you’re booking To foreign lands And I still remember the feel of your hands As they brushed against mine Showing me something I’ll remember for all time Even if you forget A secret handshake that unlocks me yet
I pull on the thread and watch the knot come undone Is this the place to go if you wanna get some Coz I’m just flicking on my phone And I am all alone Because it’s a sin to make two If you’re not married to the person that you Have fallen for He opens the door And watches me enter And I should have known that that old dementor Would fuck things up Because it was the first time I’d ever been in love And it seemed too good to be true And my mind is like “he’s staring back at you” And my family’s like it’s a good deal to make But every bargain is only there to break And a good relationship sounds like hell As people shake your hand and wish us well Eugh, I’d much rather our dark fantasy And the unrequited that shakes its ass at me As I pool the blood at the base of my spine In the name of what I call mine And it’s trippy and that’s for sure Did someone just call me a cute hoor For daring to step on your toes You know you love it, anything goes And if passion was a fuse to burn We’d trip the switch, why do we never learn?
I’d like to sock her in her puppet face Then I bury my own in my hands of disgrace Imagine the steel when my fist connects With all the dreams her heat has wrecked As it’s issuing from her undercarriage She would die to give it all in marriage But she would deny me the same Hang me like a corpse from his name And put the splints in my side Til I bleed water like I’m alive And somewhere in the windowless chasm I hear her say “she has him” And it’s as though she pierces my heart Then waits for the thumping to start Down the cool steel of her blade Do you wear a hat when you’re in the shade Or does the sun burn you when you’re in the light I dunno how it could happen when it’s always night And a cruel bargain is made My soul for the games she has played Like dice on a roulette wheel Like that bitch that knows how to feel So they throw stones through the fiery air Hoping to cut down her flair In the midnight lilt I sometimes think it’s all built on guilt And when it doesn’t work for them they try to snare You with a drum that batters like life isn’t fair And you don’t get everything you ask for I somehow found myself at his door And he let me in So somewhere he will always be king In a monument to the land before time In the years before I knew how to rhyme All of my problems into a weave Then wear it like my heart’s on my sleeve And if you would believe then it would be alright But it isn’t for me to listen to people talk shite Anyway anymore I’ll just give up and adore
Fucked up and interesting but hella blue I’ll never be what you think I am to you Coz you reach and then clutch, you crave and then claw And you care nothing for the great thaw As it pours in rivers down mountainsides There is something in me that always abides And it’s in you too but the blackened soot Means you tread ground everywhere underfoot Til everything’s flattened and everything’s grey I wonder sometimes if you were born that way Or if you grew up to do what you were told And paint others down when they tried to be bold Like you’ve done to me But forever free Is something I’ll always be In spite of your calamitous affair There’s something of real love that is there And God and the blues and diamonds that shine There’s something you take but it’ll never be mine
How does she still think she is that to me How does she not see That I took that card away from her possession After I made my confession And she screamed into the wind And told me that I sinned Metaphorically whipped me with a chain When I had the audacity to rain All over the fields I grew up on Now most of the grass is gone But the green is still there And she’s still trying to show me that she care As she clicks the clasp on the lock And tells me everything that I’m not Like colouring outside the lines I’ll always be the artist undefined Under the make up that she craves And the lies she thinks that saves A soul from the perish But if I was something that you cherish You wouldn’t batter me blue Then expect me to say that I love you
I get mad and I tell him to eff off Coz you gotta know when enough is enough Then I see his eyes spill tears And I realise he’s been crying for years and years Just trying to get to me So he’s says he forgets me Just to hear me squirm When will I ever learn That the male gender is not what we’ve been told Maybe not just a safe haven in the growing old But some kind of precious we don’t get to touch Should I tell him again how I love him so much
The beautiful pain is gone I still remember the stain that lasted for so long And it was the colour of seventeen Breaking into the reverie of my dream And I bumped into David But I think I saved it For later for too long And how every song He would ever post Had me singing along like Ghost But then I spilt the beans And he smashed the cacophony of streams Into a thousand strands of hair And now I live like I’m not there And he has a woman to keep him warm Maybe marriage and a first born I don’t know coz I let it go When she said it’s immoral so I’d be a homewrecker if I stayed And I could swear the female in me bayed Like a wolf at the moon And the bells of doom Evaporate Oh, all the things I didn’t state When I had the chance I wish he would’ve asked me to dance At battle of the bands But, anyway, it’s slipping sands In the hourglass of my life And somebody else’s wife Is something I’ll never be But it’s a moment and I’m all at sea
The riverbeds flow with the water of us And the plain is flooded with broken trust And you’re such a big man, you can tell me to fuck off Is it only I who know how much it cost You to say those words Now I’m Nelly Furtado and those birds Are looking like something I need to be And you try to embarrass me Into defeat Did you think I was falling at your feet I was only giving you a way To express what you never say By taking the lower position Then you use it as ammunition To fire at me How ‘bout I just set you free And you can go mess up someone else’s life Word on the grapevine is that he’s got a wife And I wonder if she’s the fire that burns everything And if that’s why you gave her a ring Instead of me The day calling me back was free But it’s pricey now And I don’t think you can afford it somehow
I said I love you and I swear I still do and it’s not just coz of the broken parts of you that would drive you to the ridge I thought of you on the Brooklyn bridge as the ships passed in the night and I took in every diamond light of the city spread before me I always thought you would adore me in the autumn of our days but it’s like we’ve parted ways and it was not amicably you took the best of me with you when you go now I’m listening to punk rock on my own so I can say you’re not really gone but it’s been so long since I felt connected to the tent you erected in the middle of a field when the breeze blows through and you yield to all I might contain I came down on you like a shower of rain in the aftermath now I just think of you when I take a bath in the safety of alone electronically away from my phone but you never fail to push through the needle I’ve sown into the memory of you
The great open awareness calls to me Should I let it set me free And am I beacon for the age Do you hear it when you read it on a page Coz I’ve always seen myself as a Nobel prize winner But also as some kind of sinner But I am shedding skin So I turn round and look at him And he’s just watering his plants While I chop pomegranates and eat ants And listen to Hozier through my earphones If it was the first time he didn’t feel alone Would he have a space for me If I get famous and show him infinity And we’d kiss as the ash would burn Like a Wednesday that could never learn How to do exactly what it’s told I’d look into his eyes and my cards would fold Like that couple in the painted veil Why does my courage always fail When the winter pulls in the gate And if I’m always late Why am I so obsessed with time Something that could never be mine As it pours out the window It eats everything but awareness eats him though Like death at the door When it comes to take someone you love more Than life itself And mental health Is just an excuse so I don’t have to face The lack of her in her face When her spirit has passsed Soared above all that had kept her fast Tied to a body in form And though it may not be warm He soul is cracking embers I don’t know what it is that remembers When the mind forgets It’s in the ocean and the sea begets All that reigns supreme Don’t tell a grieving person it’s just a dream
The shattering happened without me knowing And I was only growing When she put the frightened on me So Jesus turned the brightness on me As I sat in class, sweating bullets There was a dream and something pull it Down from where it lay like a veil over my eyes And suddenly the disguise Had been rendered untrue And I could see myself as you And do I forgive that “fucking bitch” Who set the dogs on me like I was a witch It was as though the demons caught flight And I was set alight In front of a room of peers And the end nears I can feel it like death on my coat Has she come to gloat Now that I am old and brought low Why does the fear of her never go Like she had bought a piece of my soul And without it I can never be whole Now in the late summer of my life I refuse to be someone’s wife And have their child Because something wild Screams at me to run Everytime someone Gets anywhere near close But somehow the ghost Of he just follows me like shadow And I see us in the meadow Are we twin flames Or just two never known names That spiral into their own crescendo And his innuendo Use to set my heart a-flutter When he’d talk about how he’d melt like butter On a summer’s day But it wasn’t that way He just gave up what we were Then blamed me for the war That ensued Are you just a cool dude That can never be touched If you are, this thing is fucked
The love that poisons me Is also the one that sets me free And I can never be the equation That you are so highly rating When you left me to the abyss And the boy I’d love to kiss Is somewhere far away And that day Is a picture in time And the reason and rhyme Of another force Is just an amplitude for divorce And they snapped the chains on me Handcuffs they said I’d be Grateful for in the future But the suture Just burns in the place they cut And he said I was in a rut When I’d left what had held me down And no longer craved the white gown And the walk down the aisle It looked more like the green mile That some criminal would do In fear of what I’d lose in you So I just breathe And accept that I need Something I can never have And the feeling bad Is just the price I pay For loving an ancestor of Christ that way
The doors opened and the light walked in And it was everything I ever thought of Him Though the dragons seemed to know where I flew So they torched the home I thought I knew But then I found you And everything cascaded into a perfect heartfelt sigh And there is no goodbye In our arching back and wonderwild I look into your eyes and the case is filed Away for later I know you date her But I forgive the storm Though I know she keeps you warm And I wish her well Though the pair of you put me through hell When you would defy The part of me that would not die In the vacuous of a desert storm If it’s the heat that keeps you warm Then why does it also burn my skin Just thinking of her with him Makes my mind go mad And he just thinks I am sad And lost in my own abyss But then I see them kiss From a fragment frozen in time That I came across down the line And like Juliet It was too early seen unknown and known too late And was it only because he was unavailable or barely so That I let the might in me go And allowed myself to creep on his terrain Now it’s all rain And I’ve exiled myself from that town Because all I see is a white gown On her, on me On repeat infinitely And I wonder do you have a child by now And if that means something somehow That we will never get to be She’s the world and I’m just me
I found all of nature's wildest reserves Inside the self that simply observes And it's not a mute kind of understanding Or a play of will to be ever demanding It is a giving way To what is the order of the day And I write these words And they are heard In the grand abyss Who thought forever could begin with a kiss Coz I always had my faith in Jesus, my staunchest ally Next thing you know I'm in the valley Screaming out; why is there death Why is every face something we must forget When the blinding light struck me from on high And I realised that to die Is not what I'd been thinking it was And that no life is stuck on pause Forever, there comes a time when the tape winds out In the mists of love pressed to my mouth Like some forgiven scourge Suddenly heard the birds For the first time Now he makes me rhyme With his soul That pours into mine as the waves roll
I don’t spill my secrets to strangers at the bar I just drive in my car Waving to people that I might know But I don’t know how to let you go So I furrow away parts of myself Then leave them on the shelf For someone to see It’s drinking whiskey internetly As I slur my speech in the poem And talk about how you roam Fields afar And that star Looks just like you What a night too They’re all out twinkling light And anyway I’m not alright As they have to help me from my chair As I reach back for what was there An eon ago I walk away from this slow
I saw her from a distance She cut a familiar shape And I know she just wants to escape But the prison is more than these four walls And the laughter is caged in the halls And I wish I could talk to Stephen again He really was the best of men And there was something he said that rings true That there are some people who die even if you Really want to help It’s like when you hear the dog let out a yelp When it’s been kicked Then you hear someone call her a bitch And it just reminds me of your name And how people say; “it’s such a shame” And how they didn’t when she was alive They just said “she’s troubled” and the subside Caught her on the wrong side of the shore But I throw her an oar From over here And though she may be gone, my dear She is also still in the same place I just remember the beauty of her face And the staunch of her soul Even the greatest waves must roll And know you’re not alone Nor are you far from home When you are in your own heart There’s something the demons can’t tear apart
The winter is falling and flying People in love and people dying And they try to tear him away But they don’t know that he stay In a place they cannot reach And what we share is not something you can teach And he may have a woman and that’s fine But there’s a part of him that will always be mine And it’s not just about the rolling trenches Or the years sitting on benches Or when my time came And the whole parish knows my name But I left it in the dust Because there’s something that I trust To rise me up from the ground And when you hear the sound You’ll know that I am here And what it is that I hold dear And they were golden years With Smirnoff Ice and some beers With the girls But there’s something about the world When it rotates And puts you in your place And I was there in the town One minute and I start to drown And I felt it flare her pain So I decided to come down as rain And up sticks and move to New York But that particular fork In the road Only slowed Down my progress to the sky And I still say hi When I meet them in the shop Coz there is no bad cop But there was a cinch I couldn’t bear And so the reality tear And yet it is so beautiful in Spanish I know we can be a bit clannish But there are diamonds on the pitch And its a place you can relish being called a bitch Because you know you are doing something right There was frost frozen on the grass that night As we did a stretch Til we’re all done and there’s nothing left
They think that you’re just some face I used to know But that’s not how we go In our immortal bond And her and I abscond Into an infinity As we put it on hold infinitely And he meets me at the gate He didn’t make me wait But he pulled out like the sea Til we’re far away from eternity But how does consciousness know It cannot let go Until it tries And no one really dies They just change into a different form When the body is no longer warm There is a heat of a different sky A furnace that burns away the lie And they talk about heaven and hell But the difference between them is someone who wishes you well When you try to escape I got superman’s cape And pretended I could fly But we all know the reason why And ashes fall from the fire As the people tire Of my kind of shit But I think it’s just that they don’t understand it And I try to explain It just makes it rain On the fields so green Are we all that has ever been And they try to change the constitution For a reason that does not hold the solution And I’ve lost faith in halls of power As the axis tower Over all it reigns And the blood stains Are on all of our hands And fuck it, the boy likes heavy metal bands So let him just be as he is But I wish I could seal it with a kiss
Being broken by her It’s the story of what we were Til I realised that I had to get up off my knees And be the cure to my own disease And it was distasteful and it was crude And there are parts where they call me rude When I try to express how I feel And all this “psychosis” is real I just pretend it’s not When the seat gets hot And I’m sitting in a beanbag in Dean Swift And even those days were a gift As I listened to Marina and the Diamonds On a CD player in the meditation room And the bells of doom Only reach me half of the time The rest of it I’m sucking a lime And crumpling up my face Like all the Barry that went to waste When he tried to lead me down the garden path Like he knows nothing of the god of wrath And it’s doubtful if I will ever see him again And he would not be my first choice in men As he speaks a double innuendo And I wonder what he defend though When he grins and snickers I blink and the candlelight flickers And it wrong if I think St. Pat’s can be fun When everyone’s treating me like I am the one It all circles round And every sound Echoes cymbals And the vandals Can’t tear down my peace of mind It happens when I succumb to the grind And allow them to medicate Me like I’m a girl on a blind date As though there is no telling what these pills will do They assure me; they will help you But I’m already epic, do you want me less so I dunno I know they think I’m crazy, sorry, “unwell” I have half a mind to tell them all to go to hell With their what have you’s and plurality Do they even know what walks the skin of me I don’t think so though maybe some suspect I can tell when the veil is wrecked And someone just reaches through To hold my hand and say “I love you” Or just trip into my chair Hey Emmett, I’m glad you were there
The ripples of the Balrog comes up to catch me It was as though God did unlatch me From the dream But then the queen Decided she wouldn’t tolerate My insurrection to equate Myself with being free Free from the power she had over me So I rebel, rebel And it’s hell, hell Because the tendrils curl around my limbs And I reach out for him He tells me I’m crazy And though his words don’t faze me I can’t deny they have weight And serve to explain the hate I seem to be lying under Her thunder Was the rumbling of my years And her tears Were a flow I could not stem I think it’s over but it floods again And I’m there with my boat and bucket Saying what the fuck, it Just will not do To try and follow the path of you When my own feet have always felt so much more like home And it was only together that we roam Not towing the line And saying I’m fine With a smile Because I haven’t been for a while Not since she departed this earth I can’t explain the way it hurt When I watched her body lie On the bed about to die And I know she’s not there She’s floating somewhere in the air Above me And I know she loves me Still Because death cannot kill The eternal I break then write about it in my journal And it was my salvation Not my looks, not my education Not the pews Coz the bad news Always filters through Even when you’ve prayed your little heart out, you Can’t stop the tide And it beats the shore as long as its alive Like a heart in the chest Or a friend that knows me best
I sat on the couch and cried It was as though someone had died Coz she’s never coming back When she does she just attack Me for being what I am The door closes with a slam On my toes And it’s like anything goes Coz she needs her freedom More than she needs me to see them In a positive light But some of it is just shite Coz I can see though what you’re putting out And there may be self doubt But there is also a caustic fibre And I know that inside her Something burns a fuse Like it’s everything that she could lose With one single breath of trust And he is all lust In her eyes Not the disguise That he wears As the fabric tears On eighteen And the dream Is an insubstantial phantom that cannot contain The sky when it starts to rain It must just surrender to the water And I to being a daughter Of what I didn’t decide I wish I didn’t have to hide Behind the folds of the sheets Every time we meet In case she might know The rose garden is where the thorns grow
I died a death and it’s not something you can forget So I’m not about to just let Someone dictate who I am All because there is a plan We must fall into Like a lie of red and blue When I am pristine And totally outside the dream He’s got an iron fist And wants to know the people that I’ve kissed So he could trap me in a word But it’s everything that I heard In the nothingness that you are And every star Must learn to burn in the dark Some kind of mix of dust and quarks That encapsulate a snare And just because I was not there Doesn’t mean I didn’t care About your road to peace But it’s already ceased In me And letting you go was being set free From some kind of obligation You just want to pull into the station Every night like clockwork time But a good woman will never be mine I’m out to be beyond that trap And I’m sure she will let you map The avenues of her As you paper over what we were I fail to give an adequate reply I guess that’s how you know it’s goodbye
I don’t get to call her a whore Because feminism loves her more And it would just be a slut shame To mark her by that name But somehow I feel she sold out To paper over your doubt And build a bridge with you That she would stand on too And you are on the brink Of what I daren’t think To be true But I can’t be that for you Not anymore Every closed door Is an opening to something else And your mental health May be a heavy weight But I don’t give in to hate Like the people sing I believe in Martin Luther King And what he said about a low down trope And I’m glad she helps you cope Like your drug of choice And you try to silence my voice Because it is too much truth for you You let me in, what do you want me to do Just lie to you to keep you sweet I saw you the day that we meet And the garden burst into bloom Like I was the only one in the room And we spoke some words Like they were the only ones you’d ever heard And your eyes looked into the dream You know the one where I’d never been And I feel you crawl over my skin There’s tingles in the rhythm of sin And when I gaze into your eyes You scrunch your nose in mock surprise And I think “he just doesn’t get it” Then he tells me to forget it Coz there’s no pay at the end of the day Did you think I was gonna give it away?
Boiling the kettle sitting on the stove All your eyes ever do is rove Over the arches and around the bends I close my heart and the message hits send And it never gets past her gate Because her love is born of hate Or at least of fear The arrow quivers when it gets near To the point where it hits home The target and I are all alone In the mists of what you can’t control I didn’t ask for you heart, I didn’t ask for a soul I just asked if it was okay to give you mine And say that it’s you and I for all of a time Is that a paradox You’re the one who undid the locks Around the chains of me And the rains of sea Come to drown the land I know you think you understand But you’ve missed the crucial point And that’s why your nose is out of joint In the articulate Did you hear the click of the gate When I walked out the door Left the garden and what’s more I condemned it to darkness again Until I can find the light in men
There is a wolf and it barks at me Something is longing to be set free As it clutches and it holds It perforates and it bolds The font it wants to choose And I’m just something it can use When it’s in control of her And everything that we always were Is nothing now And all I can do is allow The trample to subside Because when it does she’ll realise I am alive
The Poetry Book 