Tag: pain

Great Big Ocean

.Reading time 1 minute.
I thought the great big ocean would find me
But it’s always been just the tide
Counting the beats of my step 
To the heart that keeps me alive
And the summers in the city
Where I counted my blessing
He asked me if I was serious
I said shur I’m only messing
And the wild within me got unlocked
Like a fabled Pandora’s box
All the crucible to fly
Is to live to know how to die
Coz we’re born with these bodies 
We don’t know how to use
Then we get attached
To something we lose
And every breath is a tear
With a fragrance of flower
But people are reckless 
When they have power
And moan and shine and wither and break
Then tell you they do it for your sake
But it could never tally up
Not when you call it love
And I had a bite of the unconditional 
Now I move and walk and it’s not volitional 
Coz she spilt the beans on me
Now every secret’s flying free
And a demolishment has been rendered
In the space my hope engendered 
It cascaded tears
Now I measure the war in years
That I’ve been through
And I blame you
For all the absent meanders 
I don’t have all the answers
But can I learn to be a little less jaded
The pain’s the same but the scars have faded
And I only give leave for a moment to be
The epitome of running free

Diesel Is Desire

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Diesel is desire
And if there’s a spark it’ll catch fire
And explode
I didn’t know the less travelled road
Was a trail to blaze
Oh, all the cities I raze
To the ground
Just to hear the sound
Of tomorrow’s bells
Will we all burn in hell
As we make hell on earth
Poison the soil we call dirt
Then throw it at each other
Coz we can’t grow from it, brother

My Jesus

.Reading time 1 minute.
My Jesus opened the door
He let me see that there’s something more
Beyond the chasm of calls
The teaching of words, the world’s enthralled 
And I was on my knees begging to sky
Watching someone I love slowly die
Why don’t you do something, where are you
But you took her and put me through
Some kind of hell
What is it the story that you tell
That the Almighty is all that exists
Then why did you put me on your list
And it’s a sudden awning pain 
Like the cold when you’ve been out in rain
And I’m on the floor
With my head resting against the door
And a sudden spark ignites
Wherefrom did all these lights
Appear
And I hear her say, my dear
Like she always did when she was alive
And her flowers didn’t survive 
But something she planted did, God knows
It’s been living in me and it shows
So I wash my face, dry my tears
And I’ve been holding it in for years and years
And it’s finally singing a song
My Lord, you did nothing wrong 
And it’s more than a future reunite
It’s a love that holds you in the night
When you’re punching the air
Cursing all that isn’t there
But something new is born
The moment that the fabric’s torn

The Part Of Me

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It was shallow water
And I waded in deep
I stayed up all night
When everyone was asleep
Just to write love letters to the stars
And you know my prison bars
Were something I could see around
Did she make a sound
When she crossed the floor
And I used to adore
The ground she walked on
Til I became something she talked on
And I swore I would keep something secret
It’s not like bread, you cannot eat it
Only muse on what you have become 
And it was dark and I was young
But she showed me the light
As I exploded into kryptonite
Shattered glass on the floor
But I wanted more
Than just some addendum you throw a bone
Maybe I’m better off all alone
Or with the ones I can stand
I hate to say it but it was underhand
The way you tore me down 
I played the thief, you played the clown
And you know I felt sorry for you
Despite what you put me through
As I diary entries that I can’t speak
You hit me hard and I was weak
And the fire seemed to catch
I left the room, you left the latch
Open like I’m coming through
But we lost what I had with you

Writing My Storm

.Reading time 1 minute.
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
Writing my storm
Well, at least I'm warm
Coz the thunder rumbles 
And the lightning cracks ground 
And I can feel the heat surround 
As the cold front meets it match
An opposite in a roof of thatch
As it sets fire to what it knows
And it's, you know, anything goes
And I've destroyed everything I once had
I speak my mind and I feel bad 
But at least I'm living 
Is it time for more forgiving 
Of the grudge match I keep with her
Coz I'm mad at what we were 
As she'd take a little pick
And chip away at me, so to speak 
Carving out a Michelangelo
From all the places I will not go 
Til suddenly the dial it spins 
And she's cast from my withins
In a door slamming shut on time
I can't acquit you for this crime
Coz if I did you'd do it again
And I don't know if I can call you friend
As you take what you used to know
And sacrifice it on the go
On an altar you worship days 
And I'm confused in so many ways
Coz I thought we were cool but I resolve
Not to be a problem to solve
But the answer I've always craved
I guess it's Heaven and the unsaved

50 Year Stand

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We could have a fifty year stand
And I could live with holding your hand 
But I could never be bound to profess
That I’m anything more than this minidress
And what I’m meaning to confess
Is that I reach for you in my distress
But I don’t see forever in your eyes
Because, you know, everybody dies
And I lost him at seventeen
When I wasn’t even in the dream
Just walking back from lunch
Ignoring that petty hunch
That had you sidelines and sideways
I don’t care what anybody says
Anymore coz they’re all liars
And I’ve set one too many fires
Under who I’m meant to be
I’ve grown up but still don’t see
And the diagrams all refract
The way you can’t get people back
Once you’ve lost your hold on them 
If I could would I live it again?
Just to feel the same old pain
If you walk on grass do you curse the rain
That made it green and fresh
It’s been years but I don’t forget

Central Park

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Is it too long left unspoken
I say, man, I’m only joking
But I’m serious as death can be
I loved you so I set you free
But I spend every moment wishing you were here 
I love you so much, my dear 
And I every time I fail to catch
I leave the door on the latch
Just in case you’ll walk in
And I make up stories of me and him
To keep me warm in the grey dark
And I just walked around Central Park
Wondering what was there to give
If there’s a life I can let live
But somehow moments in the stunning
And I’m just running, running
Away from this pain that caved inside
Is there a reason why I hide
From all I thought I knew
It all revolves around you

Intensity

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I’m burning up like the flow of the river 
As all of life calls me to forgive her
Coz I can’t split in two just to spite my face
Or deny the regard of constant disgrace
And I was only a teen
But I saw through the cracks in the dream
Untoward a vast expanse
Where music makes the people dance
And I feel as though I’m on fire
Like I’ve been lit by something higher
But it always seems to come back to ground
Like I’m rooted in the sound
Of you saying goodbye
Then realizing what it means to die
As I sweated it out in the class
Then fell victim to what could not last
And I stirred on the floor as I heard her call
It was like I’d lost the wall
Separating me from creation
A moment stunned and then elation
You can call it enlightenment or waking up
Or just realizing all is love
Then I see you with your eyes downcast
And I try to forget the past
But the memory of the crush is ever fresh
And I’m still not there yet
At the part they say release
But I may just be at peace

Stuttered Ignition

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Love breaks bones and makes you appreciate pain
Finding someone worth suffering for through the rain
And you grow forests from the seeds in your hands
But there is one thing you do not understand
That I loved you more than you could ever love me
And I left to spare your dignity
I was the one to walk away you see
So you could have all you’re meant to be
And it hurt but I’m an anchor and I would drag you down
Turn that magnificent smile into a frown
Hold you in place so you cannot move
Because you’re what I’m afraid to lose
So, I let you leave though you told me you were going
You were like a sea creature I sent to the ocean
Made you take steps though you double doubted
The implications of words that I shouted
I could see it in your face, the indecision, and I had to be cold
Turn my face away from what I want to hold
Though you are beating my heart
And every move you make tears me apart
Why am I so alone?
How did you get into my home
This way, like it was a common feat
Like you had never tasted defeat
Didn’t even think it, didn’t hesitate
You just read the patterns I had made on my plate
Horrified and thrilled, I thought maybe
You were the one who could get the best of me
See through the war I made with myself
Tell me it didn’t matter, there is no one else
But you were human and unsure and you don’t hold the blame
I set fire to everything that touched my name
And you, only you, did not burn
That’s the lesson that I learned

…………….I love you

Echoes

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I’ve never really understood the term fun
I’ve always been searching for the mythical one
But that’s just a delusion of consciousness
Rather than what prompts me to a state of undress
And I know you bleed red at the edge of your eyes
As I’m pierced by the lance of your previous lies
As you bullet your rocket ship on its course
I can’t sacrifice to ease your remorse
When you left me on the landing and you didn’t care
But took away what once held me there
In vines and twines that could never be rope
But you gave me cause to begin to hope
As I watched the deflections you moved with your stare
Until you saw me catch you and laid it all bare
In an intimacy for which I was not prepared
I’m sorry if I came off a little scared
But the truth is I loved you beyond reproach
And I can’t take it back though they still coach
Me to say things the absence of which
Brings to the fore a doubt that will itch
As their minds run amok amid the scene
Of the decimation that I have been
Points them to decry me to swear off
The cause of what shattered my loss
But I cannot sigh enough tears to mean
That I don’t see the royalty of the king and queen
That we once were and ever are
You are my compass and I your North Star
In the echoes of a landscape we have left behind
Yes you broke me down but I don’t mind
For just one glimpse of your visage
Is worth saying goodbye to all I ever had

Imperfection

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

It’s killing me but I’m not scared of death
If you’re wondering why I haven’t done anything yet
As you dare me to move from across the room
With your eyes fixed in a stare of impending doom
And I plead with you for rationality
Can’t you understand reality
And it feels like we are playing with spikes
Stick them into each other with all our might
And double or nothing all our pain
Cause we can’t get over what made it rain

Love, X

.Reading time 7 minutes.

Don’t call me a crazy female just cause I sing the blues
I’m entitled to my feeling as you are to your truth
And all your words and actions just do not negate
The fact that I love you interspersed with the hate
And though I may be wild and inconvenient to host
You don’t have to treat me as if I am a ghost
As you look straight through as though you never saw me there
I know you have a heart so don’t pretend you do not care
And relegate my cause to the long lost ceaseless pile
Just cause I stood in your shoes but declined to walk a mile
I am not the stereotype of an ex who just won’t let go
That is a little sexist though I won’t claim to know 
Why you always had a disdain for the other half
So you tried to make them smile, you tried to make them laugh
You tried to make them fall so they could not right themselves
And when you were done you left them on the shelf
To waste and wear away until they were nothing at all
Though I had to say I enjoyed my free fall
Down into the darkness, the emptiness of the void
I won’t pretend you’re the cause of what makes me annoyed
That you did not reach out when I was hanging on that cliff
And I just keep on going and back and saying what if
But all explainations fail and considerations die
When I look into the pupil in the centre of your eye
And find myself adrift like so many years ago
When you met me as a girl, the girl you say you do not know
And yes it hit the mark, did it hurt to deny
That we collided interscope, say the truth now, do not lie
That we once in a lifetimed upon the green grass
As you stood and stared at me and what I thought to ask
Such a preposterous question and so handsomely obvious
That you were the decider and where I placed my trust
But years have gone by and I have not seen your face
You never were the hero that rode out to lay waste
You just sat inside and cried about love long gone
You didn’t care about the someone that you kept on
You didn’t care about the promises you made to me that day
About how you looked me in the face and did not go away
And how I waited on your figure to statue all my dreams
But that was just the prelude to my long lasting private screams
That I howled in the night time on my bedroom floor
In a city far away behind a closed door
And I clutched at my insides cause I felt them coming out
And tried my best to keep silent cause I did not want to shout
About the enemies who had closed in on my life
And decided in that cage that I didn’t get another light
And subtle was the meaning and subtle was the voice
It was many years before I saw there was a choice
That there was another way, a way out of the pain
And just because you’re under clouds doesn’t mean you feel the rain
So here I stand before you and I repeat what’s ever true
That though my body will die I am not leaving you
And I will descend to the very depths
If that’s what it takes to pull you up those steps
To walk you to the door though you in the end refuse
And I’m left to perish slowly from the burning of a fuse
And there the gates of heaven lie meaningless without
Someone to hold my hand, the one it’s all about
So what do you expect, me to just go away
Again in all the cyanide where the demonds hold sway
But I stand here defiant and here I will roar
That I love you in the vacancy of a foreign shore
And I may never realise the place whereon I stand
But it was a miracle that I got to touch your hand
And hold you so close for a moment and for all
I think I was mistaken, there was never a wall
I just hit my own pride and held back what I knew
And now the time has come to pay you your due
In coins or in gold, I know you hold them in contempt
And I’ll always be the one that you resent
But here I pledge my life for yours and forever
I will seal it in blood to ensure my endeavour
And I will stand guard at the edges to soften the blow
Of the searing scars you don’t want to show
To hold and to comfort and to see you see your might
I knew that in that moment and I know now you’re alright
Whatever you say and the play you do cascade
I can see that you tremble, that you shake, that you’re afraid
And know I will not hurt you and my alliegence is true
All is nothing to me honey and there is only you
So to hell with all the anger and the sorcery
I am here to tell you now that it’s possible to be free
And just to breathe in air when you think that you are done
And when you’ve lost it all you see that you have won
And ever could forgive the place where you fell
It wasn’t only you, it was me aswell

Lashings

.Reading time 5 minutes.

It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation 
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore

A Golden Cage

.Reading time 1 minute.

Do you expect me to thank you for my golden cage
It’s like a book asking a pencil if it could turn the page
And all of these bars make the heart inside me rage
Don’t think that I am playing or that this is just a stage
Cause I was born to be free and to speak the truth
To hold the burning of a fire that was born in my youth
And every day’s an episode of how to handle myself
But you could not give me money to compare to this wealth
Cause I am unbound and hurricane through all their just ideals
There is no limit to my madness or to the heart that feels
And however you may try there is no way to contain
The depth of this emotion or the searing of the pain
Cause it is meant to be lived through and to be understood
Not hidden in the darkness or swept under the rug
In the fountain of denial or the rivers of the mist
I will not be quiet or give in to just subsist

Tire Tracks

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Should I be afraid of all the tire tracks torn through the dirt
And should I try to hide all the pain and all the hurt
Cause all the scars make me into something I am not
And though I tried to get away I found that I got caught
In all the brambles and the briars as they entwined my arms
The harder I struggled the more that I got harmed
But the nightmares soon came to a finality close
And I found that peace was the path I chose
As all the beautiful and meek finally came to rest
Into a heart that was tormented, that once was distressed
All the calmness ensued and the softness of a chair
As I sank down deep into what once wasn’t there
So to anyone who worries, to anyone who crowds the deep
There is a homecoming and a stillness that will keep

The Soul

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

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The universe is trying to get through to you
So don’t wipe away the innocence and give pain its due
Cause there is a reason for everything under the sun
And there really is no telling where anything is begun
Cause it is all cause and effect, an experimental design
And the fabric of the cosmos is neither yours nor mine
So live your life in truth, in alignment with the whole
Cause there is nothing else that satisfies the soul

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/206673070378676909/

Heavy Roads

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

Beautiful disasters don’t come in threes
It’s the kind of love that brings me down to my knees
And breaks apart my heart and soul
When we first met I felt so whole
And I wonder do they know what went on in between
When we both awoke inside the other’s dream
Before it turned to nightmares of the mind
Before the moment I left you behind
And all the twists and turns wander the roads
The weight is heavy and the stress it shows
Among the guilt of breaking her down
The water rises and I start to drown
Because I just cannot escape the truth
I love you and I never put it to use

At His Feet

.Reading time 1 minute.

I don’t want help, I just want to express
The feelings inside, my perennial distress
And I don’t want sad looks from any of you
Not doing this for pity, that’s not what I would do
It’s just that I’m proud of the strongest of me
That came from the darkness of what I came to be
And the night closed in on me with a march from the source
It was rough and unkind, the epitome of course
And I found silvered light or maybe you could say gold
And a kind of immortal that will never grow old
And it lit up my life and shone so very bright
That I knew in that moment that I would be alright
And I just want to share the vestiges of pain
And that there is sunlight under the rain
And that there is earth under pavements complete
That there is a God and I fall at his feet