Tag: mental health

Asking You Jesus

.Reading time 4 minutes.
I disappear into the silence
And it is a form of violence
To let no one know 
That I am letting go 
Of my tenuous connection to reality 
For an inoculation from this insanity 
Everyone clicks like 
Meanwhile there is a spike 
In the suicides in the area and I just want to scream 
It’s the end of somebody’s dream 
And maybe all they needed was a hand to hold 
Or someone to have told 
Them that they’re worth it 
I wish they didn’t have to hurt, it 
Is so unfair 
Because I’ve been there 
It was in the mists, long ago 
But I know
I know 
And there’s just this pause
When you realise that all is lost 
And all the compassion in the world 
Couldn’t save the girl 
From her fate
I ate what was on my dinner plate
And they drove me away 
Storm after storm until I couldn’t say 
What was winter and what was just plain cold 
Life’s a bitch when you’re made of gold
And everyone craves your Midas touch 
I told the boy I love him so much 
But he just tells me to fuck off 
A few years before a common cough 
Could spark panic in the collective zone
I think I wrecked it on the phone 
When I tried to pour my heart’s blood
Onto a floor that was too good
To ever be a non stick pan 
I just wanted him to know what I am 
Meanwhile I’m sitting in the ward with Sarah 
And I care, ah 
Now she is shaking 
And all staff are just baking 
Their cakes in the oven 
So I stand up to their anti loving 
And go over and sit with her 
Put my arm around what we never were 
And tell her it’s okay
She tells me to go away 
But I stay 
And I feel it fall into the abyss 
And the dart shoots but it miss 
Her beautiful self 
I died so you could have someone else 
By your side when the times get rough 
Isn’t Jesus all about love
And psychosis may be a diagnosis 
But I ghosted that doctor who was too precocious 
For his own wealth 
And he can’t categorise my mental health 
In a trail of ink 
And the man threw the sink 
Out of its cage 
And I rage 
As we’re baking bread 
I would stay just to free you from your head
And you write in your diary 
But its a new earth and I’m firey 
But I won’t burn down 
Not while there’s still people in this town 
Got to get them out 
So I let God have my mouth 
To utter the Word 
I let it be and let it be heard

The Armour Reflects The Light

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Against my better judgement I take these pills
I’m losing my mind like I’m losing skills
And I’m scared that they will wear my brain away
Like I am a knot and it’s started to fray
But it’s gotta be better than wandering the night
They say that I’m insane and I give up, alright
Allow them to ring in a decree
And proclaim what they think they know of me
And everyone agrees, they’ve got it all on check
And what I was seeing was strange and I wreck
The picture every time I seem to see
People trying to frame you and me
And Alan was cool like they had on the system
I walked away, you could say that I missed him
And everyone in their cracked portrait there
We’re just examples of how people care
And they say that if you go and show
You’re enlightened well then you know
You’ll be locked up by the brigade at sea
And I think that may have been what happened to me
And I fight and war with what they pronounce
Only another one to denounce
Like sleeves of silk and cotton up your arm
The meditation room the only charm
As there was music and CD’s
To ameliorate my supposed disease
And I made friends and I struck a light
In the room for squares I was held that night
And the awning gap just spells the chasm
What more can I say but that she has him
For now, for forever, but not with me
I gulp another one down with dignity

The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/oXz4MfZ0t

The Darkest Shame

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The darkest shame is that I followed the clues 
That I thought would lead me to you 
And there were blue chalked streets and bears 
They say the fabric of my sanity tears
When I believe in secret tomes
And become one who roams 
The avenues of misty eyed tears
As the date nears 
And I cannot bear the truth
So I pulverise my own youth
By putting myself in their hands
Now after slipping sands 
Have run the hourglass down
I still feel like I want to drown 
Some where in all this emotion
It’s as though the road is an ocean 
I cannot climb into 
And it becomes a sprint to
The door
And I couldn’t have loved them more 
But somehow I feel the wilderness in my bones
And I refuse to answer my two phones 
When they call out to me
And I could’ve missed our history
In the avenue I let bleed
Because I know you need
Who I used to be
But its just that they have destroyed me 
In their attempts to keep the dark away
I just lay in the bay 
And it was not San Francisco 
Or some kind of cool fuckin’ disco 
It was like being drawn on a string 
So he could live on everything 
He ever thought he was 
And I take the hit because
I want him to be sky high
And not afraid to die 
A death on the floor 
I just want to prove I love him more 

Image Credit: https://pin.it/1kX9MeWFa

Reservoirs Of It

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I delved into the dark of night
And somehow I came out alright
Like that bright blue rose
I wandered the streets and I chose
Life over death
But I cannot forget 
The things I saw
And I blame everything on the great thaw
And I took a comic worth 50 cent
Out of a box and away I went 
But I felt bad and I repaid 
The charity for my shade
And you can say it was poor mental health
But I still felt the cards were dealt
Harshly and I take a couple hundred euro 
And leave it in an envelope to secure ya 
In my attempt at redemption 
I actually never told the priest at the intervention
But it was because I had forgotten 
And because I sensed I was not well gotten 
By that particular son of Christ 
So I said what I could splice
And took my shit and ran 
And the only place that can 
Fail to make a demon of me 
Is the place where the hellish ghouls were set free
And they came to devour what they could 
I swore that they wanted blood
And the psychiatrist said it was just my mind 
And that sanity was only something I could find 
In pills and therapy 
But the silence gets the best of me 
When I sit across from a nurse
Asking me how it might have hurt
And all I can think is that his eyes are oceans 
And they convey seafaring waves of emotion
And if he was a colour it would be green 
Like the t-shirt he wears and all we could have been 
If only he had been single
And I had been coherent enough to mingle 
But I take the easy route 
As my lover plays the flute 
Somewhere far away and I see
That it’s only cloaking the mystery 
To realise 
That even the beautiful dies
When faced with its own fragility
I let them wound the hurt in me

Image Credit: https://pin.it/1PGVCO7W4

She Keeps The Gate

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***

She keeps the gate between here and the other world 
And I know I seem just like a girl 
Having an existential crisis
But all of my vices 
Are my greatest strengths
Why did I bother to tell her where it went 
Like some kind of suicide
That happened while I was still alive
I saw the scene
And realised it was a dream 
That we were walking through 
And I opened the door right in front of you 
As I pointed out the way the flaws
Are how the ice thaws
Out in an age of snow
And glaciers that move so slow
I will not let go
But I must meet this part of me
I thought I needed help but really I just needed to be free
To explore and name
The source of my secret shame 
As it plays out on a page
The book of me and the rage
I kept inside
But the part of me that I hide
Is the best thing I own
And I know it wasn’t shown
On my face that day in the clinic 
But I’m not in the game just so I can win it
I am here for all of you 
And I want you to know I’ve walked through the trenches too
And made my way out
So if you live in self doubt
Let the mirage escape
Like wind from a balloon in the shape 
Of a dog or tree
I wouldn’t tell you if it hadn’t happened to me

The Tendrils That Wrap

.Reading time 1 minute.
I feel the burn of evisceration
So I change the tv station
And snap out of the trap
As if the reason could be found on a map
Why I am the way I am 
Nothing ever goes to plan
And that’s the way it’s meant to be
It took me thirty years to see
That my life is not a mistake 
That someone on the other side made shake 
With the power of an earthquake 
In ruins
I ask what I’m doing 
I’ve only broken words to say 
I am okay
And I was locked in a room 
And told to deal with the doom 
On my own
Self soothe while all alone 
But I open up and expand
And take every offered hand
That slips through my fingers like sand 
And the doctor has power to direct my fate
But I don’t give in to hate
Or bitterness, I just let go
And feel the snow
Upon my skin
When I’m talking to him 
Telling him I am okay
He looks at me like I fabricated the day
When my ego went away
And broke into sun
Is it wrong if I say I am One
With all that exists
And the mists 
Have cleared the windshield glass
I don’t need to make a thing last
I can just surrender
And remember
It’s not what you think you know
It’s what you live as you go

The Power Of This Moment

.Reading time 1 minute.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***

There is power in this moment 
And I feel it when I own it
And let the pain go
Like the sky just lets the snow 
From its grasp 
Because no cloud can last 
In a frozen form
And when the days get warm 
All that ice will melt
So it goes with how I felt 
In the midst of the blackest night
But the dawn came and I was alright 
As I pondered suicide
And what it means to be alive
That may have been eons ago
But it leaves its mark on you, you know
And I just want to let anyone know who trudges
That there is a peace that never budges 
And it’s to be found right where you are
You don’t have to journey to a star 
To find your own burning strength 
I used to wonder where it went 
As I hid out between the lines
So that they couldn’t define
Me as mentally ill 
Or someone with a dysfunctional will 
I am forever free 
And just because the night visited me
Doesn’t mean I don’t know the sun
It all collapsed into one 
And I could see that duality
Is only there to bring out the best of me 
When I don’t know who I am 
I close my eyes and trust in God’s plan

At The Bottom Of The Ocean

.Reading time 2 minutes.

***Trigger Warning – Mental Health Content***


There was that time I was at the bottom of the ocean
The weight of the sky held all my emotion 
And it was burden to me
Until the day I was set free
Like some kind of ennui to fly
But some part of me wanted to die 
It held me like a vicegrips 
I let go and something slips
Into the abyss 
Is it that I miss 
The point of modern existence
So much so that my reference is met with resistance
To what it is 
And I will never be his 
Not now, not anymore
Not since he closed that door 
The one I had opened to let him in 
But the grave is solemn as our sin
As we barely make it through
There were days I screamed at you
And my family bled me dry 
For the crime of wanting to try
To climb to the sky
And sometimes I wonder why 
They condemned me to an education 
In their version of the situation 
Where I am the betrayer of the light 
The one they crack my knuckles with at night 
In tune with the rhythm 
Of their own great schism 
The one that pulls
There is a pain that never dulls
Not sharp and quick 
But one you live with and it’s a bitch 
Much more so than the submerge
And I am on the verge
Of letting go 
And opening to the place I can’t know 
The deep and vast spaciousness pure
If only I could know for sure
What it was 
Like I did before I learned their laws 





Photo Credit: https://pin.it/5pt1ebQ3x

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The One Good Thing About Hell
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

The one good thing about hell
Was that Stephen wished me well 
And could see the light underneath
The ghost with the sheet 
Around her head 
(You know the one I got from the bed)
In the place with no name
Because the memory brings shame 
Upon my family
So I’m not allowed to mention it, we
Did it, it was a collective decision 
And I risk their derision 
If I reveal 
That I feel 
Just fine 
About my time 
In St. Pat’s mental institution 
It was some kind of a convolution 
In my degree 
Why does life have me down on one knee
Proposing to a saint
In the colour of blood that I paint
As it runs down the frame 
Of the place that brought me pain 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Misdemeanours
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






I have this fear inside me, do I focus on it 
And does it just make me act like a twit
I find myself in St. Pat’s, ground floor
And everyone shines, my God, mo stór
As I’m lying in bed in Dean Swift at night 
And he’s illuminated by the bathroom light
He says it’s very bright
But I could look at him and sight
Is no burden 
But how would I word them 
This prose that sits inside
And I only ever hide
The best of me 
And the rest of me
Lies in wait
All the guys I’d love to date
But my heart won’t let me 
Soul won’t forget me 
And lead me down a merry path
One I might never find my way back 
From 
And it’s gone
That sudden sharp
Like Cleopatra playing the harp
It’s an illusion
And the confusion 
Was I trusted words
Instead of the flight path of birds
As they streak across the sky
And I am not afraid to die
But say that to a psy 
Chiatrist 
And you may get the gist
Of what I relay 
I eventually learned not to say
What was on my mind 
Because it leaves me behind 
Like an autumn tree 
And everything is fluttering from me 
As I’m out in the grass
With Mary Jean, I never had to ask 
Her to teach me how to knit
She wove the wool deftly as I sit 
And she came to my door
With something she’d baked on the first floor
And we ate it with my sister
God knows, I missed her
When I was locked away
And I don’t care what people say
Those places don’t help
They just teach you how to stand on a shelf
All pretty in pink 
And I used to think 
It was for a reason
Now I see it was just a season
I was passing through
Growing wings and flying too 
Beyond the veil 
And what’s not up for sale 
Will always be bought
By those who think they have caught
The value in it
And I didn’t win it
But let it go
There’s joy in defeat too, you know 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Immortality
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






I hold back what I really want to write
Because I’m scared that it might be shite
Or even worse profanity
Paying testament to insanity 
Held beneath the skin I walk
It’s only trouble that I talk 
As I head to the abyss
Fearing for a night to kiss
And they held me in a healing balm 
The doctor took my shattered arm 
And led me to the door
They drove me there and what’s more
Is I kind a liked it when 
Barry called my name again 
Out like a prophet does Jesus
Lord knows how I need it 
When I’m in the smoking room 
With Aoibhín and the sonic boom 
As we draw rainbows on the wall
In pens my parents brought me from outside
Outside the cavern that keeps me alive
For the time being 
It’s a different way of seeing 
But it’s true enough to say
I couldn’t have had it any other way 
And the doctor mumbles and utters vague treatises under his breath
On what the war with self does to make you forget 
What you have come to be
But I cannot shake the feeling that he cannot see
Just who he is talking to 
“Delusions of grandeur, we’ll add that one to
The long list we made of your faults”
And I kinda get sick of opening vaults
For them to plunder my wealth
In the name of mental health
And I wonder what they’re preserving 
Or what God they are observing 
When they make idol tropes
And then they tell Shauna how to cope
With the fact that she can’t bear
To get out of the clothes that she seems to wear
Each and every single day
But I won’t let her leave that way
So I go and sit by her side
When she’s in the horrors and I abide
I feel it fall away from her grasp
You know that bitch, that poisoned asp
And I crush its head on the floor
You’re not taking aim at someone I adore
Even if it’s by her doing 
It’s not something you should be pursuing 
In any eventuality
Me, St. Pat’s and immortality

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Salvation In Plurality
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			





I can feel the brimming thunder
In the sky we’re living under
And the people I railed against
Were the ones who were heaven sent
And just wanted to aid and abet
Me in the mission to forget
All that had come to weigh me down
So I walked around the town
Looking at signs
I was trying to diamond mine
Searching for a holy gem
And I did it once, twice, again
And somehow the men
Never hurt me 
The danger seemed to just skirt me
By degrees
Til I fell to my knees
And begged the wonder out thieves
Help to steal away all that I believe
And they were only too happy to comply
And I thought I would die 
Under the weight of their heavy handed slap
I crumpled up the map
And took a picture in the garden of Dean Swift
So looking back would be a gift
But I could only see clarity
Not the mental illness they made of me
Searching for some hidden pain
Well I looked again and again
But I could never find
Evidence that I was out of my mind
For seeing love in every shape and form
And loving bodies while they’re warm
And vital and young and free
Shit, is that guy staring at me
But anyway I’m letting sleeping dogs lie
Let go of the merely getting by
On what I think I know 
My sisters on the branch they bow 
In the aching powder they blow 
Into my face like I’m in the know 
And I’m annexed into a space
Where I only see your face 
Smiling at me 
I was out the door when they set me free

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Taking Aim
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			

Taking aim at modern psychiatry
Because it just seems to get the best of me
As they say I’m not well
I can only tell
Them the truth 
That in my youth
The darkness came to kiss
The reason I exist
And for a season or two
I wondered if I would follow you 
Down into the abyss 
And I make a fist 
But I strike air
Because the enemy was never there 
Only a foe in sheep’s clothing
The nurse had a way of knowing 
I was just making shapes
And so the girl escapes
From Stella ward again 
It is full of older women 
And I cannot bear to sit in the common room 
And reminisce about the edge of doom
While the TV plays a tune
And the ladies said I brought some calm 
And some kindness to their alarm 
As I moved soft and serene 
Between the edges of the dream 
And it was a nightmare for some
But I do not succumb
And I talk to Francis in Special Care
He says there is a reason he is there 
And I don’t need to worry
And the hurry 
I’m in can quiet
Does he not see the riot
In the minds of his charges
A whitelighter at the marches 
As they step in line for freedom 
But do you let them know you can see them
When you let them down easy
I was so breezy
But do I let it go at thirty three
Or do I stand up for the best of me 
In the subterfuge
I was the refuge
For a sea of souls 
In the realm that grows old 
Slowly by degree
You can put your faith in me 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Winter I Endured
		

		
.Reading time 3 minutes.

		

			

The winter I endured
Was far from pure
The snow was tinged with scattered blood
And it was anything but good 
As the forest turned to trees with eyes
Out to get me in my disguise
And they may say agenda
But I would always defend ya
From the forces that come to pass
I sat in the young adults group before I hit twenty four
They’d get you to talk behind a closed door
Like it was some kind of club
While you’re dosed up on some drug 
And I remember a boy who slurred his speech
Is this the lesson that they teach
To all of us
That the broken trust
Will lead us to the promised land
But their broken promises are all sand 
As they try to dampen your spirit
I’ll say it loud so that everyone will hear it
And Teresa in the bed across
Was shocked half to death by a girl boss
And told it would heal her depression
But here is my confession 
That, though I shook and though I wake
I did it all for her sake 
Shouted to the dragon in her bed
Said, follow me instead
Coz I can carry the weight
And she cannot stand the hate
And I sat by Shauna’s side
If this was the only reason I’d abide
In that place for a thousand years 
I grabbed a bucket to catch their tears
And I would face all of their fears
With them so they wouldn’t be alone
Now friends are clicking on a phone
And I watch them search
For a place to land that doesn’t hurt 
And they say social media is hell
And I’ve certainly lived to tell 
The scéal 
And the tale 
Is long and well worn 
But I am certainly not forlorn
When they put me on the “done”
I’d rather take a hash brownie or scone 
Because what they prescribed
Only ever made me feel less alive
It’d be enough to drive a man to drink
Or a woman to overthink 
The things she does by instinct 
But God cleared up the flood
And I taste and see that the Lord is good
And he will redeem
The shackles that just fell from the queen 
And the Son of Man was crucified 
Just so that the Pharisees could abide
In their positions of power 
But everyone who claims to tower
Over another will be brought low
You’re looking down so I thought I should let you know 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Oppressive Class
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

The oppressive class
Think that their power will always last
And they’re always doing it for a reason 
Til their punishment is open season 
And the subordinates get even
With people they don’t want to be believing 
And you could say that kindness kills
And good intentions and foreign wills
Mask the wound as the blood spills 
Out onto my shirt
It may have hurt
When they struck me down
But I’m not giving up on this down 
And it is for my own health
They say they must steal my wealth 
From me 
But there is something that will always be free
In the green, green grass of home 
There is something that you have never known 
As you paint a beach of waifs 
But I am not trying to escape 
The cup that’s been handed to me
I’m just trying to reflect the free
In the prism that casts it’s hues
And he people who pay their dues 
In the mindfulness class
It is not part of the past
But of the Now
And I know you will realise somehow 
What I’ve been trying to express
In my state of undress 
As I spell it out in monotones
What I couldn’t hide from iPhones
As they responded to my touch
And scared away what I loved so much 
Into the fold of open season
Have you ever loved someone without reason? 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Red Haired Devil
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			






There’s something in me
That doesn’t want to see the light of day
I’m surrounded 
And they ask if I’m okay
And they offer pills
And they offer potions
Coz I can’t handle 
These emotions 
And I slap their hands away
But I know what they’re gonna say
“You’re just not well
And we know you’re going through hell
So take these, please”
And I crave a just release 
So I take their ardent pleas
Like Barry on his knees
Professing to that woman
And I felt like stunning
Them all with a declaration 
Of a lion school education
But they wouldn’t get it anyway 
So I draw on the wall, okay
And they didn’t paint it over til 
A year later and I will
See it out of the corner of my eye
And someone I love die
So I spiral out of control
Let the keening take my soul 
As I scream and rail
Against the part of me that’s not for sale
So I bite the bullet they hand to me
Shoot me like it’s done for free
And I’m paralysed by indecision
And I was always good at revision
So I study the lines
And I try not to touch ‘em a thousand times 
But I’m always met with the same reflection
In the window of my confession
In front of a nurse I love
He laughs and I look above
At the Heavenly Light
He emanated and, alright
It’s not the done thing
But I don’t want a ring
Just a way out
He smiles what I’m all about


Photo Credit: Omid Armin on Unsplash.com

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Outliers
		

		
.Reading time 2 minutes.

		

			

Oh, the weather brought in Stephen
And I was weary with all of the leaving
Behind that I had done
Searching for the only one
And they say that awakening can land
You in a state where you’re under command
And out of the control you think you know
There’s nowhere it leads that I will not go
And I found myself in a psych clinic
I kept trying to explain why I shouldn’t be in it
But they brush past my honesty like it was lies
Pinned up a frame over my eyes
To tell me who they think I am
But I constantly fall outside the plan
And the time flowed past me like sand
Rough and brittle with the misunderstand
Til I met a common heart
And he made my pain look like art
With his smile and his self conscious laugh
I was doing yoga when I stretched my calf
And I wanted to explain just what was in my mind
Flexible around the river bend
And why do I stand for this shit
Oh, the ocean I flow with
Had me by decree
Down on one knee
Proposing a new direction
Standing outside natural selection 
Into a reverberate that would sound
The corridors I walked around
In monuments to my fear
But there was always someone near
And I was shaking with the times
Am I stepping on land mines
Or is everywhere I place my tread
Safely like they never said
And it’s hard to reconcile
That place with my secret smile
The one that knows no bounds
I used to listen for the sounds
That would set me free
I am okay, but hey, that’s just me!

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Fear Of Something Harboured
		

		
.Reading time 3 minutes.

		

			

The fear of something harboured 
Scratches at my skin
If I fight it 
It just gets in
So I try to act unconcerned
But the feeling, like fire, it burned
And it's been this way since I was a child
Running through summers like I was wild
Or when I walked down the hall
Touching three times each side of the wall
And they diagnosed me with OCD
Til I broke free at twenty three
But the monument crashed
And I ended up in the place where the drugs were stashed
And everyone that I love says to just go down 
But I can't run that side of town 
So I try to find a way
Until, eventually, I'm not okay
And give in 
Was it all coz I loved him
I wonder to myself 
What does it matter about mental health
It's what they say
That I deserve a brighter day
But I'm just fine with the evening hue
The way the purple melts into blue 
And, look, you can see the stars 
Your walls are only prison bars
And set nobody free
I know because it happened to me
As I stalked the halls of St. Patrick's Hospital
Remembering the core that is vital 
And I chat with Barry
But I don't think he's the dream I want to marry
And I'm submerged
The worlds converged
And I was caught in between 
The crosshairs of someone else's dream 
As I find a paper on the couch 
If only there was someone who would vouch 
For me 
But there's only my dignity
To speak for what I stand
And I don't really like what they have planned
They say psychosis, I say reveal 
They say unwell but it's something I steal 
Into then creep out again 
And I was down with the coolest men 
Like Emmett with his pen 
And clipboard making sure he sees where I am 
And he said "Oh, there you are" when we almost collided 
Between a pane of glass you and I are divided 
And he is something sweet
And if it was somewhere else that we meet
I'd bet we'd hit it off
I was counting every cough
As though they were signal fires
I scream out; "ye're all a bunch of liars"
Coz I can't get my point across
All I can think of is all I've lost 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Oceanic Life
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

Oceanic life, I can feel the drown
Rising up when I’m outta town
It’s like a vast submerge
Has me on the verge
Of saying exactly what I mean 
And punching a hole in the dream
That I built so carefully
And I’m sure they don’t see
But the forces of unconsciousness move to contain
What they suspect might be rain
And I’m coming down in a deluge 
And it’s like my heart is the centrifuge 
Of the whole storm 
And I’m both cold and warm
As the fronts meet each other
And somehow I found a brother
Who connected on the level I chose
Coz all of them are lined up in little rows 
And I draw outside the lines
I replay it a thousand times 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Magnificently Kissing On The Street
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			

https://pin.it/7xZLH3S





Magnificently kissing on the street
It’s not the first time that we meet
As our stars cross paths
And we do nothing by half’s 
And I’m staring at the guy on the screen
He reminds me of a dream 
That I once had
And I don’t feel bad
Scamming on his beard
Is it a bit weird
I see you in him
And I cannot win
Coz you’re with another girl
The diamond in the rough, a pearl
In the oyster that you shell
And I’m not well
I commit myself to a cell
A hospital, a ne’er do well
And they put me on a pill
It takes all the strength of my will
Not to cave
Under the pressure it takes to save
Me from my own dear self
And they are no help 
Throwing eyes at me
I disguise what’s free
In me behind a locked door
And I don’t know who I am anymore
As Dennis howls into the wind
And an old lady tells me how they’ve sinned
Before they put a needle in her
I cry to think what we were
And everything is green outside
I don’t wanna have to hide
Who I am from them
But, God knows, I can’t do it again

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Misunderstandings And Monosyllabic Replies
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			





Psychosis walks in my door
Tells me that it wanted more
Than just to be locked in a cage
So I find some paper and let it rage
”It was never supposed to be like that”
“I said I love you but I take it back
Coz you just rained holy hell
And all these people say I’m not well”
“Well, what do you expect me to do” 
“I expect you to care, why don’t you”
All these conversations with a man in my mind
Is it telepathy or being left behind 
By my sanity
I utter a profanity
That evinces how I feel
I told the nurse it wasn’t real
So she handed me a pill
Set up a hill
That I have to climb to get out of here
But don’t you see, my dear
I am actually good
And the wood
Is only a forest of trees
For one who believes
And I’m letting on more than I know
If you love me let me go
As I fall onto a mattress of home
I never walk alone
Coz the King is always here
And He makes the scene crystal clear

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
New Dawn
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






I spilt all of the blood on the floor
For the sake of what I couldn’t adore
And he blames me for his strife
All because I wouldn’t be his wife
And he’s got dues and he’s got paid 
But I wonder does he ever raid
The inside of a closet dark
It’s not Narnia walking through this park 
As I stand tall against the wind
And the people say I’ve sinned
Because I wouldn’t bow to the extreme 
Don’t they know that life’s a dream
I try to hold it in
But the word begin
To speak its own message true
It doesn’t stop because of you
And I sat shivering on the chair
Til I realized the cold don’t get in there
Unless I let it in
And I’m just dancing with Him
In this grand swathe we call the earth
Love isn’t born to hurt
No matter what they teach you in school 
About the heat and being cool
Coz the sun just shot me through the heart 
With a cherub’s aim and holy dart
And I fell to the floor
With the shock of something more
That just found me in the room
It characterizes the sense of doom
With a laugh and a smile
You don’t have to walk the green mile

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Clarion Call
		

		
.Reading time 4 minutes.

		

			

https://pin.it/5TfZJM8





I’ll be the clarion call
To let the demons out
The things that people suffer under
The fear, my dear, self doubt
And they locked me up in ashes
But I still was free
Coz even though they do their best
They can’t get the best of me

And the clock ticked, did it go back
Am I getting enough of slumber
And but for the men I loved
I woulda been just a number
In that place where the halls have eyes
And everyone walks tiptoe
It’s eggshells we’re treading on
So that you might not know

And I had a bed and my own room
It was number sixteen
And I’ve been dealing with this kind of shit
Since I realized the dream
As I hop on a hopscotch 
Afraid to cross the line
Is there a difference between being here
And doing hard time

And I hid out in the activity room
Rifling through a storm
I hope they might not find me
That’s how I kept the candle warm
But they did and told me so
There was a place to greet
But I’m moving dough with my hands
Can’t make it move my feet

And the third time I was in there Barry called my name
He asked if he could speak to me, if it was all the same
But he was laughing sideways 
Out of the corner of his mouth
He thinks that he might have a clue
As to what I’m all about
And, God love him, he was precious
But he set the dial to spin
So I called the shots and called it off
Walked out of the room with him

And, the laughter, it was breaking like a wave upon the shore
I left the card on my desk so that it might love me more
And my sides they’d split with Aoibhínn coz she was such a hoot
She talked me out of dangerously quiet as I stood mute

And I drew an eye on the wall in the smoking room
It was a lot more like freedom than it was the bells of doom
And they only scrubbed it out a year later and I see
There was a part of them that loved a part of me
Or with a certain fondness I recall what they say
It’s not the present moment but you will be okay
So I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the bin
Conceded defeat coz you know I cannot win

And the monuments of time will fall beneath the sea
But there’s something eternal that beats the heart of me
And I can’t put my finger on it or tell you what it is
Only suffice to say that being born is not to live
Beyond the realms of death
In the halls that I vacate
I think they had me wrong
Coz I love the thing they hate

And summon up a showstorm 
In the dead of the night
The sun that is within me
Can’t help but be bright
As all I ever am
And all I’ll ever be
I can’t bring myself to regret
That I asked you to dance with me

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Sway And I
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			






He interjects and it’s circumspect 
Coz how could I attenuate
Any of this love with hate
And sure he’s a nice man
But he only listens when he thinks you can
Find a way to follow the line
He’s wasting my space like he’s wasting my time
And I’ve gotta grow up and be
The writer of a new destiny
Don’t have time for this pity lark
And as I’m walking through the park
I feel one with the grass
If this is psychosis I hope it last
Coz you’ve got a label
But you cannot see
Over the rim of your spectacle 
As you look at me
And maybe a kundalini and the crown
Might be the reason why I drown
In a sea of ocean vast
The emptiness and fullness pass
Til I’m all or nothing but down for this
And I’m in love with someone I only kiss
Through the bars of Orion
I don’t know, it just feels like flying 
Through somewhere where gravity
Obeys the rules of destiny
And let’s me lift off from where I am
I just walk without a plan
And It leads me where It’s going
I look outside and the Sun is snowing 

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Malas
		

		
.Reading time less than 1 minute.

		

			

Am I wearing 
Malas to the Supreme
Waking up
Though I'm still in a dream

And is it Grace
All of the falling apart
I can't deny
That I've got heart

And are my assumptions
To the contrary unfounded
Was it through open fields 
I bounded

And I can feel it lift
Here or there
The tumbling structures 
That I wear

And do we build God 
Or is he real
And is realisation
More than just what I feel

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
The Mindful Solution
		

		
.Reading time 8 minutes.

		

			
So, for quite a while now, I have hated the term mental health. I’m not sure if I ever liked it or appreciated its value, as I always see it bandied about as a label to slap on people with difficulties. Oftentimes the people who are apparently “disapprovalwell” are also profoundly dysfunctional. So for this reason, I prefer the term mindful. I prefer the understanding that I am taking care of my mind and that sometimes that is a messy process, that there have been years of bad and foolish behaviour to look at and understand and make sense of. There is also so much emotional pollution on the planet and I feel that sensitive individuals are the ones who bear the brunt in its transformation.


So, to backtrack, when I was fourteen I experienced what could be termed the dark night of the soul, in spiritual circles. Having done extensive reading in years since it seems to be a relatively common phenomenon among the spiritually minded. It is the complete absence of meaning and the arising of profound darkness that happens when you truly allow the world to be plunged into reality. In reading some of the writings of Mother Teresa, it is clear she also experienced this. She wrote of the feeling of absence, as though God had left her, yet she was powerfully impelled to continue the work she was doing as if some unseen force was moving her. She concluded that God had forced her into this state as some sort of a test and she prayed for the day the light would come again. Also, in reading the work of Adyashanti, he talks about a spiritual winter, where all your leaves are stripped bare, leaving only the starkness of your bare branches behind. This description certainly resonates with me. However, as someone growing up in the mid 00’s in rural Ireland, these were not concepts or terms I was familiar with. The only description that seemed analogous was the one of depression, which was spoken about in hushed terms and with a sense of reproof. God, that couldn’t be me. I have written the word in my diary around that time but I remember studiously avoiding it whenever I would see it written, in a newspaper, a class project or a musician talking about his experience. I couldn’t come face to face with the idea for a long time because it horrified me.


And yet the most horrifying part was that I loved, loved, loved the way it felt. It was dark and dismal and utterly profound, like an infinity of time and space in every direction and I felt imbued with great power. I remember a photograph I took shortly after my fifteenth birthday. It was the sky over my house, it was dark and thunderous looking. I remember being in awe when I looked at the image because I saw my own self reflected and the experience was one of incredible depth and devastation. And I found it wondrous. I watched as my old identity was crumbled away and I willed on every step, even as my family wondered what in the hell had happened to their once happy go lucky child. I, however, couldn’t have been more at peace. I recognised this crumbling as the crumbling of illusion, the death of a dream, the pulling apart of the veil of life, so that a greater understanding of life could emerge. Sometimes when I look into someone’s eyes I can tell they are experiencing a similar phenomenon, only to them, it may not be so wondrous but rather a threatening experience that may take all they have, even their life.


And the truth is the price is your life. You cannot truly live until you have relinquished your life. You cannot truly be free until you are willing to die for that freedom. “Come death and welcome, Juliet wills it so.”


So I opened arms to the great expanse and gave what it asked of me and the rest has been left behind, as shattered glass that melts back into the fire that made it. But for anyone still struggling with this all I can say is to trust yourself, trust in that inner voice that speaks when all else goes quiet, or that is still when everything else is screaming loud. Trust it and trust yourself, because I do. x


*** Also a note to anyone reading this::: Do not be afraid to reach out to a trusted individual, an anonymous helpline or someone who is experienced in dealing with the emotional impact of depression if you feel you need to. Despite my disavowal of the term mental health, in the absence of anyone to guide me in a spiritual sense, I took a lot of strength and comfort from people who engaged with me on this level. There came a time for me to let go of it but the value of having someone to talk to cannot be underestimated.


If this is not your thing then I feel that writing down your experience helps to externalise the feelings. Note: the feelings. Feelings are not personal, they are visitors, they come to go, if you are able to meet them. They are like children and once you turn your focus on them they stop crying. The power of your attention is atomic.  I feel that the teacher Byron Katie speaks very powerfully on this and a quick YouTube or Google will give you hours of her to listen to on loop. I love the woman. But again, don’t be afraid to seek out support when needed. This is just my take. You be the guide of your own life and build back up a world that is worthy of you. xxx All of my love, Laura. xxx


dark dark blue cloud

					

	




					
						


		

		

			
Mindfully
		

		
.Reading time 1 minute.

		

			
how-to-meditate-jack-canfield


All I want is a little space to be me

Space to breathe with dignity

And not have to explain

Why I stand for hours under the rain

Because I love the sky in purpled hues

As much as you love deeper blues

And you tell me I must move to the beat

But I love the stillness in my defeat

And sigh

I am not tormented by goodbye

But recognise

All that lives surely dies

As a sunrise must set

I must be born into the jet

Black of another night

Before the orb will reignite

And all I ask is space to contemplate

Without being hushed out of that state

And told and told again and again

Please go back to remember when

When you were bustling and unique

But I was crying beneath the sheets

Because I could never measure up

To the standard of love

And when I let it go

I didn’t change, I just came to know

That I as I am is more than enough

I hope you can recognise me, dove