I hate the pain Isn’t that what they say But I couldn’t have had it Any other way And you kick your shoes Up in the dirt I never knew love Could make you hurt But I hold you fast And pray that this moment last But it was never enough To quench my thirst I’m a fire burning embers As we argue across the genders That seem to have accumulated between us I dunno, do you think God dreamed us Up into a sort of creation It’s more than winter by the station It is summer kissing booths Reliving the passion of our youth But I’m all but done with photo albums I feel the pound of beating drums Calling me back to your door And I fainted on the floor Yes, right out of my standing To the dreams that they are handing Out like they’re truth And you just take aim and shoot Your bullet at my heart Your aim is good, I feel the dart Strike me sharp and true Am I marked with the brand of you Or am I forever effervescent Meeting you in essence I let the fire go But I still burn with it, you know
Dazzling star I want to sing you a song That you could never ever put a foot wrong That you are sitting so high in the sky And I’m gonna love you til the day that I die And you are so shy but you’re strong and secure And my God do you reflect something pure As it’s dancing in your eyes like a moon on a lake And all these cobblestones I will forsake As I make my way to you once more Do you think he’d be behind the closed door And all I’d have to do is knock I sure think he still loves me a lot And gentle is the sound that you resound You give me the feeling of solid ground And I wish to hold you but you’re far away Probably making loads of other people’s day Like you shone in mine for a while I will never forget the smile You smiled at me when I stopped at your place I hold dear that look on your face And what a night, it is billowing smoke And I’m older now and more prone to joke Around just a little bit And boy were you looking fit! But it’s more than that and I think you know Yours are fields I would love to go And lay down in the meadow and contemplate the stars A billion lights to show me what you are And hold your hand or lift up your head Do you think I could love you instead? Instead of this incessant wandering around I think you were the home that I found
Craving that sugar rush And you were my favorite crush And you smile and I see stars Running and I’m chasing cars Down the street like a dog and its tail You know that you’re bound to fail When you set yourself up like that And I know I want you back But you use a poké attack And I’m left standing on my own After I left my colours shown Wondering why with so little a endeavor At civility, I could never Understand just why and when And I’m always hoping to see you again But I just don’t get men Coz you shout then you wish I was there I ask for your love and you say you don’t care And you’re harsh and unpleasant and drive me away Did you mean to sabotage my stay? Or were you just anticipating the leave I watch you silent and I believe That there’s more to you But I just don’t know what to do As I let your hand go to your side And I’m okay but I think you have cried Will you remember this for me I loved you so I set you free
Am I just gonna have to let you go Coz there doesn’t seem to be any way to know That you are here and you are there And you know I’ll always care As the forest closes in on the memory of us And I dunno where to place my trust As the ages all fold one into the other You’re my soulmate, yeah you’re my brother And I really hope that you’re well But there doesn’t seem to be any way to tell Except just to live in the light And pray to God that you’re alright
I trudged through the snow I am miserable or don’t you know No reply Why on earth does everyone die My feet crunch the ground I savor the essence of unreciprocated sound I mumble aloud And relish the silence away from the crowd And grumble two tone Why do you always leave me alone? It’s always like this Together for a moment and then you just miss All the ways you felt complete The gravel groans beneath my feet As I haul the bin up the hill If only love was an effort of will I could turn this around But emptiness is the only sound And I cherish the day He looked in my eye and then looked away It’s in a video reel And for years anger is all that I feel How dare you take him away There’s no point reaffirming that he cannot stay But the eyes are all empty as I look for a reason A kind of vacancy that is all out of season Perhaps my misery Will prove how much he meant to me But the anguish just twists And I merely coexist With the essence of death Counting each in and out of my breath Or heartbeat It’s iambic pentameter against my feet Anyway I don’t believe in what they say They’re all crying And then proclaim Heaven is for the dying
Flashback, it’s been twenty years So I question my thoughts and dry my tears To the age of youth And the darkness of day the sun didn’t suit But I found him there, among the ashes and the rubble He looked at me and burst my little bubble And I give thanks to what once I hate The God of Love to make me irate By stealing all I could call my own I’m lying in bed and praying for home But it never comes Oh, the trauma of being young I’m undone And somehow I feel this song has been sung By someone Years before I begun It’s getting old Like the body I hold And the days are all long Then suddenly short And all of the principles that I exhort Prove to be vain And I stand outside in the pouring rain To catch the air Do you believe in the power of prayer To let go into Can I be Something more Than destiny Because this body I wear Is all athletic and long brown hair Do you resonate With what is only a temporary state We’re all on the move From the moment of spark to the point that I prove What have you got to lose Only the worldview you live to excuse What don’t you settle here Under a tree as it breathes you clear
I snap out of it Is to give in the same as to quit And I’m going with it A sort of defiance I never admit But the beer bottle’s empty and I’m reaching for wine I am the queen of a helluva time But really it’s empty coz I cannot decide Which stop is my own if this life is a ride I breathe in the air And think of the way he suddenly stare A moment out of time Like immortal just stepped out of line And my gumption and war I don’t know what this is for As I twirl his name On my fingernails like it’s just the same As yesterday He pierced the veil then went away And I love him so But goodbyes around every corner, you know And I wish and hope He’s found someone real, something cool, something dope But anyway Returning to that which I cannot say It hit me like light And set a fire to ignite And I’m all the trees The wood of could you ever believes And I see his face A recognition no time could erase To be angry at God Give him back to me again, oh Lord But it doesn’t work that way Apparently and what I say Falls on deaf ears And is it just temper to coax the tears Until I can’t stop them and they pour as rain I’m awake in the night all over again To be left behind Is to spend some time trapped in your mind
But He woke me up And He called that love Though I can’t express What I’m thinking of Caught in a decider So perfectly fate And the present moment Means you don’t wait But I’m always counting time On the watch, on the clock that isn’t mine Do you think it could be That we all live eternally In some dimension In a realm of time that by extension Means we don’t have to suffer And I’m always thinking of her And what I’ve lost I sob til the tears exhaust My futile will It’s everything that must fill The pail of water to the brim I remember when it was the two of them Under the sun By the gate They wouldn’t approve Of me in this state But how am I To know the reason that they die If I don’t weep It’s kind of like some bargain I keep But it’s letting me go The pain and the suffering you know And pay testament to The Heavenly I found in you And remember quiet That I don’t have to try to defy it Only surrender Maybe love is what I engender
Do you have to hide a part of yourself To be in relationship with And I’m all Sarcastic wit But do you think you could love me For my flaws Instead of the sun The icicle thaws But the feeling gnaws And eats me up for dinner But I’m seeing through the sinner As the light reflects kaleidoscopically There’s a mountain to every valley And I look down from mine At all the colors that make the sun shine And I remember Skipping a beat The moment that I felt the heat As you hold your eyes on me And I lose it all by degree Do you think you could hold my hand And live up to what we had planned But I tore down the picture Wouldn’t live by the stricture Of a voice that commands Is that what it means to love a man I’d rather be alone But I still stare at my phone And the quiet it imbues The door slams as I sing the blues And I know there’s better than this I’m sorry I didn’t think to miss The last line of the song Stop telling me that I’m wrong
It's not that easy
All this having to let you go
I didn't think
I'd have to do it, you know
I thought we could
Go on forever
But now every endeavour
Speaks of you
As you go on with your life
And ardent devotion over strife
Seems to capture my days
And there are so many ways
To miss what we had
And to regret
What turned out bad
Could you forgive
If I live and let live
And consent
To being the presence
Where heaven went
I saw Jesus in your eyes
Did I ever tell you so
Well I wasn’t supposed to
So I guess that’s a no
And I’d always loved
My hidden Saviour
He never reprimanded
Me my behaviour
Only spoke softly
To point out the way
Picked me up from the earth
When it wasn’t going away
And for a moment
I thought you had stole
The power of safety
The man in my soul
So I turned away
Only to hide
I’ve got to keep
My Jesus alive
But there’s an impending
Crucifixtion
I wonder can you read it
In my diction
The one who’s troubled
And the one who sees
Share the same place
And so I grieve
For I am only
Occupancy
For all that I
Will never be
Til a different movement
Takes my hand
Collapse the ground
Upon which you stand
Collapse the mount
You made yourself
For it can’t be done
By anyone else
Lost to the ravages of time
Was the golden that used to be mine
That holy light
I’d touch the air and ignite
Now, no more
Every knock upon a closed door
But like she said
When different demons were in my head
Sometimes the way
Is made so you can’t even say
Yes to this or no to that
All you know is you can’t go back
In your dusty boots
Stumbling the rest of the route
Any water, please?
No, my dear, learn how to grieve
In the arid sun
I guess there’s still a Golden One
My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need
I know I can be a little abrasive
But if we’re talking flaws then you are evasive
Always dodging the questions I ask
Deciphering answers is quite a task
But one that I love to enjoy
You know I’m a girl? You’re just a boy
And you could never reach the tower I height
But if you are nice I’ll let you alright
And the view can be a double time
Instead of the solitary that is mine
Because being the best is a lonesome thing
When there’s no one to sit with you while you sing
And if you wouldn’t mind taking part…..
I’ll give you my jacket if you give me your heart
I’m angry at you for stealing time
From me with you that should be mine
Before death takes you finally
I want to have you here with me
To love and to have and hold
I want to see you growing old
And grey haired man the boy I met
I promise I will not forget
You’re full of love for the things you create
But I’m a place you can’t dominate
Though you may be king of the dormant domain
There are lands over which you don’t reign
And there is a motion that sits in the river
I will not make up for what you can’t give her
Struggle in the tide of a crocodile spin
When you cry tears there’s no way you can win
As I incline my head to that which you know
Don’t blame me for the feet you walk as you go
My hands are off the wheel of your car
But I’m still aware of who you are
Don’t bother faking the remorse
I’m sure time will have it run its course
And you don’t need to half ass what you feel you should say
I don’t believe you anyway
I’m sure you’ll buy her a real nice ring
And make the song hit the notes and everything
But you’ll never have me sign the sheet
To annul your previous fall and defeat
At the hands of a lesser God
I’ll watch you leave without a word
But don’t you dare look back
Its a permission that I lack
You’ve got loads of criteria for me to attain
But you can’t laugh at the sun and expect it to rain
As if I would give you all of my shine
So you could have a sword and take what is mine
Just another trophy to sit on your shelf
Add to the list to which she is as well
Narrow my eyes in suspicious slits
I guess I always expected no better than this
And if one and only has nothing to declare
Then you would have always been there
Instead of passing the parcel to other hands
Then claim you were true to your ancestors lands
Don’t make me laugh at your attempts
To sidle away and throw deference
I may be small but I’m fast as the wind
And I’m not merely an attenuation of him
To play the kind part of forgiving queen
Who holds in her heart the way it has been
And finds a way to live to pretend
If she just holds it in then it will come to an end
But no corseted lady am I
And there are things for which I would die
Rather than stage wise just lose breath
Over the things I cannot forget
I will not hold what is not for my soul
And if it’s by decision then was that all?
For will cannot paint what is by design
And what comes back will always be mine
And somehow I fear that there lies a string
Connecting me to everything
I feel the tug and then the pull
And life with you would never be dull
But I have a wryness in my smile’s edge
And it can’t help but turn up at the things that you said
As I, to my own supreme shame
Find myself redeemed by saying your name
As you with your talk and your wheedling charm
Find no shortage of girls to rub against your arm
And console and commit to the rogue in you
It’s just so enticing, the hole they fall into
As I watch from the cliff with my chin in my hands
Surveying the lay of the land as it stands
It’s so comical if it didn’t hurt
And when I tickle the humour it only gets worse
As I admit grudgingly that I admire
The divine devotion that you inspire
Least of all in one like me
How did this finger trap come to be?
But the authority returns from whence it came
And I’ll always be in the space I remain
Never moving, never knowing what lies beyond
The passage of time that is already gone
As I tip my hat to the extreme
And the pain without which I would not have seen
That all is illusion except what is real
And there is a peace even you cannot steal
Closing my eyes to the forest of trees
That is a life of you without me
In a place where existence is the only repose
I already am the thing that I chose
I have the FOMOODs, I can’t tell you what that means
Only that it is full of all my could have beens
That I spied on my head when I lay directly under
Stars of your making, just behind the thunder
In a field full of grass because I’m not afraid of rain
I got to see the sky held beneath the pain
And the smile that cracks the sunlight in your eyes
I was there to see the truth so don’t tell me that it’s lies
Because you can’t explain your way out of an escape
And I could be your hero, with or without the cape
Though I do not claim to fly or burn bullets with my vision
I can see right through you and do so with precision
As you surreptitiously suppose things that may come to be
You may not know it yet but you’re still looking for me
In all of the crevices and clothes that you pile under
You can’t run away now that I have your number
To ring up and to dial like I am death himself
We’re only counting days until we see there’s something else
So whatever you may find I know that it will ring
The bells of a tomorrow when you give me everything
And sacrifice your soul on the alter of this love
All I want is you and what you pointed out above
So, letters to the incomplete that never get returned
What do you do with them, after reading are they burned?
For what could you want with the musing of a child
Unless I was right and you’re not just in my mind
But real and exist beyond the combings of the ether
You got me alone so it gave me a breather
To know what it was like against my worser will
To stand by your side, fearfully still
Afraid to even move to disturb the interruption
Of the volcano that you are in the midst of my corruption
Of the wild flowers in fields, so delicately strong
They outlast the others that are long since gone
In all my misery and in all your fevered might
I think you held my heart and I let you see the light
That pulses to a beat that I cannot contain
Though it just gets louder when I feel that you’re in pain
Til crumbling and falling like a building to the ground
I pray for a silence to overtake the sound
But just like you, I cannot unhear
The power of the presence that I felt draw near
When we wore matching soles to skip across the dust
I used to believe in God, now you’re where I place my trust
And I know that in time you will give in to see
What has always been, before you, finally
I didn’t want to admit you were right about me
Cause it hurt too much that you had seen the truth
And you were willing to give me all of you
In recompense for what had happened to me
And I said no
I can do it alone
I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone
I’m just fine
And it was sort of true but a lie at the time
Cause when you matched puzzle pieces right to the marks I had made on my skin
I said no, I don’t want to let you in
And when you said “I would do just about anything for you”,
I turned you away because I knew you would
And I would lose you some day one way or another
Through my fault or your own or death taking us under
And I couldn’t let it in
No, I couldn’t let it in
Cause a world without you does not exist
And I want to do more than merely subsist
And now you don’t love me cause I threw it away
Well you sorta do, in the back of your mind kind of way
Cause you love everyone, even though you hate them passionately
You just wanna grow into all you’re meant to be
And I know you will
Well you already have
Why does it feel so bad?
Am I really this invisible to you
I am red like fire but you are a dark blue
And I really wish you were the one that got away
But you gave birth to a love that was made to stay
And I know that you’re obsessed with everything female
And you loved the feeling of losing your chainmail
But just cause you aggregate the sum total of causes
Doesn’t give you accuracy in deciphering pauses
You point out my shallows where you are deep
Sometimes the silence holds more than I know how to speak
And if you judge a fish by its tree climbing strength
Then you’ll never be aware of where the genius went
As you relegate yourself in my eyes
To an outside chance who hop scotches in lies
But the main conclusion that you assume
Doesn’t even come close to what I felt in that room
And you throw aggrandisements like silky spider thread
And it kills me to think of who you take to bed
I know that’s intrusive and I’m not a perfect saint
But I fill in the blanks of the picture you paint
To be so possessive and controlling of my heart
I never thought I’d be the one to make a mark
Or a fine hit, I will assassinate
But I already met you and now it is too late
To be crashed and burned at the hamstrings of your feet
I don’t think they get me, you know they call me sweet
And you’re the only one who really ever understood
That I have a dark side and am not wholly good
At least in this respect as you dangle the bait
I grit my teeth like you do when you make me wait
As the forest and the trees, they all shout your name
I guess that you are right, I am not the same
As I was years ago but you didn’t like
What I offered so I had to make something right
And readjust the sails on the ship that I’m steering
I’m sad you don’t like the things that you’re hearing
As I try my best but it’s falling short
And you tell me so with no remorse
But the burden falls solely into your hands
And you may not like it but you’re the guardian of these lands
In a country that is free, in a garden green
I’m not fooled by the multitudes of people you’ve been
As you promise sanity and a well balanced life
But you hide your truth behind the trenches of a wife
To blockade the arms that are hunting you down
It’s not the same since you left the town
As I wander and I weary where we used to be
And you cultivate the anchorage that keeps you at sea
When all in a moment the silence grabs us both
We are neither sun nor sand, the ocean nor the coast
And fallibility will reign on my parade
I guess I’m just startled by all you put in the shade
With your elegant light and glowing finesse
I seek you out to ease my distress
As you softly imbue your quiet refuge
With a peace I will happily drown in to prove
My loyalty to all you stand for
I’ll take all you have and then some more
The subtlety of your sincere divination
We were both supposed to be at that station
But you never came, no you never arrived
I don’t really know how I survived
The blow that hit me coming in from the west
And I asked God if this was some kind of test
That never seems to end because I never have you
I hope she makes up for what I could never do
Lie out in the openness of unhindered stars
What you had lined up for me were prison bars
Even if you don’t see it I am more than a girl
To frame the picture you take of this world
And to be dressed up for the let down, you see
I knew it would come eventually
When I couldn’t live up to what you’d idealised
I am human and hurt that everything dies
Even you and you especially so
I am not here to keep you from where you want to go
You ask it of me to be ball and chain
But the sacred feminine runs in my veins
To be lifted up and glorified
You are no the lesser because you have tried
To be a man who honours what’s whole
We’re all innocent when it comes to our soul
And laid bare and genuine when it really comes down
To someone we love to be around
And I can feel the longing you ache
The dreams that you enter are the ones I forsake
To divine will, how could one person be
The purpose of life in his mortality
Ever second guessing steps I failed to take
I was looking in your eyes when I felt you shake
And all the world collapsed out from under me
I feel like I am falling but you say I am free
And you may be right but I wouldn’t think so
Still anywhere with you I would be prepared to go
But you watched me from the sidelines like an experiment
And you would push the pulse to see where the blood went
And I know you are gentle and the fragile breaks
But I couldn’t read your mind or preempt my mistakes
That were red flagging my appearance in your mind
As you considered what it would take to leave behind
The penny you picked up dirty from the dust
I don’t know if you felt it when I leaned into the trust
That you inspired by your gentility
Others may have held back but I lacked ability
To contain what was rising from somewhere deep within
Anything that he asks I will give to him
But what I am you already are
And you can’t see yourself even if you try hard
Cause a knife can’t cut itself with its own blade
And I can’t undo the mess that I made
Revolving my inner voice as you supermassive rocket
You can’t apprehend the reason that makes something of it
And my optic nerve leads directly to my brain
And all I can think of is a particular train
And I know that you are bitter in your anxiety
But this is not one sided and you could have talked to me
A delectable flower in the field you passed
But you were blindsided and I didn’t think to ask
What was troubling you as you make your headway
To a goalpost that surpasses what transpired that day
And I wished I could have touched you in the rain
But I owed one to death and you savoured pain
So I give you your due and let it take me
Thank you for the darkness bequeathed infinitely
As I smile at the sadness in your goodbye
I think that you mean it but I don’t know why
There’s a sadness in our laughter
And I can’t make the smile crack my eyes
There’s a pain underneath the surface
And it all feels like lies
Like the truth we cannot grasp
And I want to walk away
But we are now so seldom
Something makes me stay
And all of your excitement
Seems in direct contravention
To the lives that we have lived
And the things we do not mention
But, in truth, I do not blame you
That you kicked off from the shore
It just hurt to know
You don’t love me anymore
I’ve never really understood the term fun
I’ve always been searching for the mythical one
But that’s just a delusion of consciousness
Rather than what prompts me to a state of undress
And I know you bleed red at the edge of your eyes
As I’m pierced by the lance of your previous lies
As you bullet your rocket ship on its course
I can’t sacrifice to ease your remorse
When you left me on the landing and you didn’t care
But took away what once held me there
In vines and twines that could never be rope
But you gave me cause to begin to hope
As I watched the deflections you moved with your stare
Until you saw me catch you and laid it all bare
In an intimacy for which I was not prepared
I’m sorry if I came off a little scared
But the truth is I loved you beyond reproach
And I can’t take it back though they still coach
Me to say things the absence of which
Brings to the fore a doubt that will itch
As their minds run amok amid the scene
Of the decimation that I have been
Points them to decry me to swear off
The cause of what shattered my loss
But I cannot sigh enough tears to mean
That I don’t see the royalty of the king and queen
That we once were and ever are
You are my compass and I your North Star
In the echoes of a landscape we have left behind
Yes you broke me down but I don’t mind
For just one glimpse of your visage
Is worth saying goodbye to all I ever had
Until I forgive death I can’t have you
Cause it stole before and it’ll steal you too
And all the war that I have made
Doesn’t bring back what escaped
And the love that I felt is now tinged with pain
To feel connected to you again
And her last breath signalled hell
Breaking through the surface I knew well
To be repeated when I met you
Cause when I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would suffer when the time came to lose
The man I loved but didn’t choose
And I know we were young and that there are years
But there’s no guarantee and I felt the fear
When you held my hand, the fragility
In the warmth that was touching me
And your gentle softness I knew would be left
Within me forever if I was bereft
So I let the torture just take hold
To contemplate the thoughts of old
Though you never understood my response
I cannot blame you for what you want
And what ultimately I can never give
A life of beauty that you want to live
In all the violence my only peace
Is beneath the surface where you cease
To be the person that I knew
The crime that I cannot admit to
That I even crave release
From the waves everyone runs out to meet
And in the midnight the darkness I sensed
Was all that attracted me so intense
The emptiness that you exuded
The end to the beginning I concluded
And foreboding what you always are
The black absorbing every star
I hate to say that’s what I see
And I don’t know if you’ll still love me
When you realise the whole truth
That I died before I saw the light in you
Does that mean that I love you less
I didn’t wait before I left
It’s killing me but I’m not scared of death
If you’re wondering why I haven’t done anything yet
As you dare me to move from across the room
With your eyes fixed in a stare of impending doom
And I plead with you for rationality
Can’t you understand reality
And it feels like we are playing with spikes
Stick them into each other with all our might
And double or nothing all our pain
Cause we can’t get over what made it rain
If you’re gonna leave I’d rather you just go
Than traipse round in your boots putting on a show
If you really don’t care then I’d rather just know
Than go along for the ride you have on the down low
And you ride the wave of just being there
But you won’t tell me a truth that lays us both bare
So we move along in random solitude
Imposed externally by your attitude
So don’t bite the bait if the rope is too fine
And don’t tell me a lie that you are mine
But for all my efforts at heavy expense
The woods on your side don’t get any less dense
Maybe some people just don’t have it
The emptiness at the centre of their soul
The vacuum that sucks all life into itself
And I’m going on the assumption that this is true
Cause it doesn’t make sense otherwise
That someone could feel this way and still live a life of lonely abrasion
And I don’t apologise for the way that I am
If you can’t handle it I am not holding you here
I can barely thread the needle of my own atoms
So there’s no obligation on you to pin cushion my life
With your objections to my dignity
So sail on and may the horizon be the glow that endures
But I could never find in borrowed light
Just what I’m looking for
There’s much variation in land masses
Always a new city
A conglomeration of buildings standing wall to wall
But when you really sit back to look at it, we’re under a sky that doesn’t care at all
And I’ve been searching with my soul in a backpack, trying to pinpoint a star
To find the spot underneath that holds the key to my heart
But whatever the patterns drawn out in a spherical sky
It’s a different shape in actuality than appears to my eye
And is not revolving the way planetariums suppose
But rather my whole world shares in one universal prose
Just another ball of rock or a living breathing being
But it has no qualms as to the tears it will streak across the picture that we’re seeing
As it hurricanes humanity with tidal wave force
We talk about protecting the planet but it shows no remorse
To an inessential species whose disposability
Terrifies the midnight of what we presume ourselves to be
And all the ancient wisdom and the markings in caves
Doesn’t stop the onslaught of what comes at me in waves
Building to a crescendo like a fire crackling sticks
I’m burning in the flames and we’re all just candle wicks
With limited lifespan getting shorter every day
You can’t decry the summer solstice and what it puts away
Just a season cyclically is my life in reverb
I’m sorry I got mad at you, it’s just you hit a nerve
When you spoke to me the truth and I finally realised
The centre of gravity coming from your eyes
And it spoke to me of the weight that I had learned to bear
And the cracks in my facade that nothing can repair
Like all searing honesty it hit me instantly
To know that I am not for you all you are to me
A bridge to the other side where somethings ushered in
The death of all that I had hoped never would begin
And a kind of comfort to see somewhere outside
A part of me reflected that I could abide
And love fervently and true and far beyond reproach
I’m falling through the shadows and you were my last hope
As infinitesimal emptiness turns monumental ache
I have long wondered what it is that wakes
And moves through this body as a ramrod guide
Forcing me to walk down paths when I would rather hide
And salvage in the yard all of my remains
See through the desperation that was fueling my pain
That set me in the car that I drove off the road
And crumpled underneath the silk of a heavy load
As mountainous the forests stood me in their stead
But when I looked up from death I found something else instead
Or rather it found me in the long lost of a cab
Trapped in the humanity of thinking you are bad
That all your faults are real and the demons that pursue
Are not phantoms insubstantial but intensely part of you
That even though the night is deep and misty black
Somewhere a light pierced through that nothing can take back
For once you have seen or been struck down wherein you stand
You can’t undo the protein chain that makes you understand
That all of life’s a bottle just bobbing in the sea
And my only mistake was thinking it was me
That moves in with the tide and out again in motion
All I am is not what is suggested by the ocean
That rhythms by the moon as we once again seek meaning
For the reasoning behind the cohesion life’s agreeing
Resting on a pinprick of knife edge subsistence
There could be no higher order when we’re committed to resistance
As we lose our lives in seeking to grapple with and hold
You can’t capture the ochre that fades the sunset gold
With ardent eyes affectionate, though you give in to stare
I still look at the space left without you there
But no matter how I try to contain the marshalled sound
There is no hiding the obviousity when you are not around
And seeping at the pores is the unmanned sovereignty
That you were not contained by your relationship to me
And the love that bound our bodies loosened and let go
It may be many years, I still miss you though
No matter what they say or the way it all conspires
I’ll kneel down and be burnt in these purifying fires
To finally succumb to the white light that I am
It was there all along I just didn’t see the plan
Or connect the dots as they speckled my vision
You cut me through the heart with clinical precision
And I found that in the beating something was alive
I don’t have to die to be by your side
You’re at the edge of unquantifiability
And I can’t say I follow the line
Of your string theory interscope
Though I spend all of my time
Trying to decipher
The markings on your skin
Evidence of a tribal
That has scarred you from within
And you are like an animal
That scares easily from man
Though I don’t blame you
Cause you see what no one else can
And it is heartbreak to be crushed
Under your sleight of hand
And my only consolation
Is that you understand
Just what you are doing
As you slowly rip to shreds
All the scattered of the pieces
That are floating in my head
But I drift away
On the wavelength of a sound
That bends in quadratics
When you’re not around
And anchors me deeper
Into the roots I have grown
You are the only loss
The earth has ever known
As it spirals kaleidoscopic
And pierces my bodily flesh
It was just a misapprehension
When I felt you knew me best
As we matched fingertips
As we sat hand to hand
The undiscoverable
Opened out the land
That spread freedom wide
Amid the loveliness untold
But it not enough
And we fall back into the fold
That we both feel hit home
At having been cast out
Of the abyss we were born from
Now the birds are heading south
As I realise targeted
Arrows hit only once
You eyes do not meet mine
And I have lost the sun
I have a propensity to fall for dark eyed men
The kind you love then never see again
Don’t know what it is about their twisted souls
But there’s a depth I can’t plumb and I am sold
As you watch the light dawn in someone’s else’s eyes
Their sensitivity cracks and to your surprise
They break wide open into your hands
And look at you as though no one understands
As if you’ve been admitted to their confidence strange
But you’re at the mercy of what will change
As the sands shift the ground under your feet
It was only that one time that we got to meet
And though they throw reputations like yours to the dirt
They can’t make me regret the way that it hurt
The perfect pain to stand on your stage
Realising I’m a scene on the previous page
And I’m left in the wings just to look on
At what never was mine and now is long gone
To think I could hold your soul in my palm
The silence belying a deadly calm
Like standing in the eye of a hurricane
Two seconds later it’s ripped apart again
But though you protest to innocent degrees
About what you meant, I do not believe
Though you may try to conquer the sea
Doesn’t mean you can escape what you are to me
As oceans swell and fall back with the tide
I signed up for it all so I’m down for the ride
And if it may happen the moment perchance
I’ll just be the post script you tried to romance
And emotionally abuse what you have found
I have to admit I love when you’re around
Because for all the lies you conceal with a stare
You cannot hide what I know is there
And hidden beneath each surface I touch
Is someone within and I love you so much
Though they may call it codependency
They never saw horizons like you and me
And clipped are their wings as they settle for less
Than the subtle perfection in my distress
So don’t regret what you cannot achieve
I am forever bound to the darkness you weave
And what is real will stand monumental
You’re not a bad guy just cause you are gentle
And let your voice drop so soft and low
I only hate what I don’t want to go
Cause you can’t abstain from all you desire
I never want to be the one to put out your fire
Ephemerality and the lack of constraint
Are all a part of the picture you paint
And I guess I just wished I could be the one
To unlock the chains so you’d come undone
And relish the life that makes you what you are
But I am only light fusion bound within a star
An effortless firefly in the cosmos complete
I was born to be gracious in defeat
And find the source of the unquenchable longing
The home to fulfil my sense of belonging
The ache that never seems to go out
But you soothe it so easily with your mouth
And the words that spill from your lips
Dash on the rocks as my mask slips
Into trust and vulnerability
As you perceive strength in my fragility
And though there is substance in all you portray
They just write you off as consuming your prey
But I could never object to being such quarry
Or bend the knee to say that I am sorry
Though you steal from me all I ever had
The reality of you could never be bad
Never knew what it meant til I got you alone
You are the crack in my heart of stone
A weakness no one can repair
The mark you left will always be there
And they say don’t suffer just as evidence
But I’ve always lived this way because I can’t condense
My feelings into a digestible form
I may be an ice princess but my blood is warm
A reminder of what is eternally true
In the cynicism we’ve grown through
And that somewhere, somehow a celestial being
Once gave me the gift of what he was seeing
To be revolved in perceptual bliss
I only grieve the things that I miss
And even loss can be profound
When you listen to the open sound
And realise in space and time
You can’t always make matter of what is divine
And claimed by death must always be
The starcrossed lovers of destiny
Just cause you’re young doesn’t shield you from death
It’s just a horizon you have not seen yet
And all the green grass eventually fades
There’s no guarantee of what will come with age
As they write us off as superfluously small
I don’t think they realise at all
That you can’t capture in a frame the picture generation
And it’s just insurance against our disintegration
Trying to grasp what we cannot make stay
I only want a reminder of you this way
As you are caught in the perfect suspension
Between laughter and the unspoken tension
That rests behind when you look at me
Cause you can’t capture the mystery
That propels us both down different paths
But I’ve broken the glass and I can’t go back
And we can only touch hand to hand
Separated by what we cannot understand
Is love enough to quench the flame
That longs for what I cannot name
Arguing with you is like banging my head off a wall
Cause I don’t want to hurt you by revealing it all
And I know it’s frustrating to be at the other end of my brain
But I want to tell you what I cannot explain
I cannot delineate the light or the darkness in my head
Or the fear that strikes when I am dead
And you are so fine a note I am scared to tear
In my desperation I wonder if you care
Cause you are so whole and fundamentally complete
That I feel second rate every time we meet
As if there’s a ladder I just cannot climb
And I can’t brand you so that you are mine
Cause you are beyond definition
And you just laugh callously at my superstition
Cause your body is fading under the sun
So you cut the conversation short and say I have won
When all I really feel is defeat
That you would cut loose what you don’t want to meet
And you can give me reasons and they are aplenty
But they don’t stop this feeling so empty
When what you looked up to your whole life
Gets up wordlessly and walks out of your sight
I tried to find permanency in the things you approved of
Cause you always seemed like you were right
You walked with a kind of confidence
That had no doubt as to what you could fight
But I fell into the abyss
Waiting for you to care
And hopscotching myself along the lines
Of what I didn’t want to wear
And everwhere there seems to be
Instructions on how to live
But its like chasing down paper planes
Along rivers that don’t exist
And I seek one moment to turn forth
For the love I bear you in my chest
But each time I do I am crippled
Crossing lines that you destest
Whether I’m too near or too far
Its like a balancing act
And it doesn’t really serve a purpose
To swear by what you retract
And I could play these guessing games
For the milleniums before me
I know that it is selfishness
I just want you to adore me
And I’m not really seeing the practicalities
Of loving on request
I know I never measured up
When you put me to the test
So all that I can offer you
Is the silence that consumes
As I’m absorbed into the night
The darkness resumes
And you will always have the meaning
You inescapably are
But I am not just a sweeper
To kick when times get hard
And I know that there will be resolved
An answer to our souls
I just think I was mistaken
When I thought you made me whole
And our spirited undertones
Just patchworked the quilt
Something drove the blade in
And it broke off at the hilt
Now there is a forest wide
Of time and space and words
But every time I see your face
I forget what I have heard
And conjured up again
Is a memory infantile
When I looked for you to be just there
But you had run a mile
And the stabbing jealousy
Pierces deep into my side
As I look at the perfection
Of you without me in your life
As accolades and flowers
Flow freely into your hands
I wish that I could stop the wish
That you would understand
Me just as I am
And revel in my presence
But I stayed too long
Now the moon is just a crescent
Of the whole that it was
Signalling an eon of time
That moves the waves in rhythm
To the era you were mine
And these convoluted feelings
Are all about possession
I thought that I could do without
The wounds of my window dressing
As I come to the conclusion
That my heart is made of stone
And maybe I would be better off
If I just leave you alone
Like you’ve been begging me for centuries
Implicitly in your eyes
A monumental cacophony
The whole world denies
Though you always seem to find
Someone to match your heart
And I wonder why it was not I
Who could fulfil that part
So sadness will ensue
My subtle self exile
I guess that I will never be
The light behind your smile
Bulletproof like nothing breaks through your armour
I know you didn’t mean to harm her
But you look away like no eyes ever meet yours
And dismiss the tape that replays her words
As she left back the shreds of her dignity
And you tore open her vulnerability
Cause I guess she was just an easy target
So defenceless you didn’t even have to arm it
Now all that’s left is a desert wasteland
And backalley laughs at what’s underhand
Cause the summit of her spirit is what you can never reach
So you have to degrade the things that she speaks
And she won’t play the victim, just let you go
It may only be in hindsight that you know
Just what her trust placed at your feet
But you treated her like an oasis in the heat
A stillness you used as refuge
A desperation you didn’t think you could lose
Though once the wind calls for what it sent
You took what you wanted and retract what you meant
As explainations fail and blank faces ensue
You let her know what someone else will do
To leave the black hole, the vacuum that crushes
And now fear stalks her days leonine in the rushes
Just a smattering of what she used to call herself
Left over from days that her body knelt
And maybe it took Posidean to know the ocean
But you won’t do it twice or that’s what hoping
So night dawns the chasm of resident evil
Just ask yourself what you’re believing
That would have you trespass where you don’t belong
But you will never kill her song
As lily white resting on the breeze
Takes her to where you could never lead
I eat monsters for breakfast
And they reside inside me
Itching and screaming to get out
And express themselves
Amid the peace of an elemental world
That takes no fools and harbours no criminals
And I like a precious owner
Of the jewel that hides within
Jealously guard my own domain
Lest anyone make it past the barriers
I have so carefully constructed
Yet somehow, something got inside
And now for all my trying
I cannot put it out
And you,
With those piercing eyes
Possessed not only of the body
But of the soul
Tear me apart as though I am paper thin
With a violence not of this world
Simultaneously holy and full of treachery
As I, realise
We are not two
But one
War
Fights with itself
Until
It’s is a scrambling mess of bodies
And guns
Discharged
And fully functional
And the mangled wreaths
Of blood and flesh scatter around
As a reminder
Of the wilful ignorance
Of the human condition
To drive itself to the depths of hell
And then say
It is necessary
To survive, to kill
To eradicate the enemy
So that we can fulfil
That which is every empty
And dying
And death will be not our master
But we its king
As we greet it like an old friend
And coming running into its arms
Triumph
We will triumph
All of these words are just errant musings
The product of introspection and my perusings
And I wonder do they add to naught at all
Just the scribblings of a child in crayon on the wall
But it’s only when I write that I truly see
The breakdown of what is troubling me
And the way I can fix it or how it tapestries
Into the weave of earth’s cosmic mysteries
For there are some things for which no explaining
Could ever illuminate what you’re detaining
When reasons all fail you and you just cannot find
The evidence for your theory that the world is kind
But let it just blossom like the bloom of a bruise
As it spreads out in colours you use
And slowly heals up and returns to source
There are some things even man can’t divorce
Like his or her very own essence
The body is just the skin in which we are dressing
And never can amount to the sum total of us
There’s a power inside where I place my trust
So whether I be broken or raised up on high
I’m aware of that which can never die
And I have been both the bottom of the bowl
And the queen of plaudits but neither touch my soul
I just keep on keeping my cart in the race
And seeing the good in everyone’s face
And nobody worries about the self esteem of the bad
It seems like payback they lost all they had
As punishment reigns on their earthly domain
We say they deserve it when they feel pain
But what are we doing to our brothers and sisters
That we demean them as less in the things that we whisper
And spitefully reap what they could not sow
They’re dead in their eyes so I think I will go
But even if they’ve been bullet strung
They’re not the last step on the laddered rung
And all things of Earth will return to the Divine
It’s just we don’t see how the threads entwine
So forgive the mutineers for they know not what they do
In the words of Jesus and he’s talking to you
So as my broken pen fills out that lament
I send my love to you and that’s where it went
I guess I just got caught in a monumental fire
One that burns me up and never seems to tire
Of eroding me right down to my core
I look to you for help and you tell me I need more
And I guess that you were scared of what I had to offer
Cause it threatened all you had and you needed something softer
But sorry I am made of magnetic steel
And there is no tempering how I feel
Like an ocean, like the sea, like an iceberg standing lone
I always seem to be missing my quintessential home
And I just thought you had it cause when I fell into your arms
You quieted my thoughts and silenced my alarms
And I felt a strange sort of peace descend on my soul
Like I had found the one thing I depend on to be whole
And how you matched my heart with your delicately so
I would have given all I had if you didn’t have to go
And leave me to depart on some far flung trek
I would have walked out on a wire and risked my neck
But to hear you deny me like I never even existed
Took more strength than I owned to have resisted
Crying out for the other half of who I am
And praying that you would understand
But your gaze turned icy cold
And I could see my entitlement in the way I started to fold
And break like that and come apart at the seams
I had always believed in the reality of dreams
And that what was foretold would come to pass
And that one time only love could do nothing but last
But the chains encroached and wrapped around like vines
And I couldn’t speak when you declared you were not mine
But belonged to another and were bonded at the core
When you know it is impossible you only want it more
But I let the full weight of it break my wooden frame
As I conceded to myself I was in love with a name
That stood for a symbol that I was longing to be
What I loved about you is you accepted me
With no conditions and no rules, no, just as I am
So when I shattered the stone I thought you would understand
But it seems there’s only so much you can take
And I will never speak to you again for your own sake
So go live your own life full of happiness and wonder
And I’ll remember how you moved my earth with your rolling thunder
How you cascaded rain down the panes of my vision
And how you hit me in the heart ruthlessly and with precision
And how you struck me on the spot and made me to be
The living embodiment of my own destiny
Water flows freely out under the arches
And the sounds in the steps of the army that marches
And puts a poison in the tips of their pens
To liven up what they say in each other’s dens
And there has always been a cove to shield me from the shore
But somehow, in defiance, I wanted something more
And put myself in the path of wilful destruction
But you stood in the way of my persistent destruction
And confounded me whole with your beautiful soul
As I searched the earth so I could play the role
That would be most fitting to your eminent position
But all I found out was there was something missing
That I never could obtain in all of my years
And the harder I tried the more plentiful tears
And the winter it came to wither the tide
And all things went to sleep so they could survive
But I stayed on like a bitter tree
With its branches all cleared of the markers of me
So who am I now as my roots crave the water
Am I just skin and bones and somebody’s daughter
And what do I have to pay to be finally free
Of the persistent but irresistible hold you have over me
Beautiful designs paint patterns on the wall
As the faded white lines are designed to enthral
And stun my eyes into a kind of subtraction
That robs me blind of the power of action
And as I stay rooted on the one spot
I think of all the things that I am not
And never could grow up to be
In the conscience of silence it was never me
As I lost my purpose and my will to believe
In anything more than what’s up your sleeve
As you wound me in spindles that went round the earth
I grew up to learn that love could never hurt
Just the jealousy that accompanies that kind of attraction
Could you call it anything more than the king of subtraction
That steals from you the sweetest of feelings
And pours regret into all of your dealings
And how did I come to be bowed down so low
When it was so clear that you’re where I’m to go
And just like a shepherd trying to keep still the night
I don’t know if I harbour the vestiges of fright
For ever having seen an angel celest
I cannot deny that you are the best
I can turn off the lights and pretend I don’t care
Like the pain of loss isn’t really there
Like I don’t feel in every movement I make
The power of what you chose to take
From me, off me when you left for the woods
And you told me softly it was for my own good
But how can I believe a liars clothes
When you once promised lines in acres of prose
And I never could really detach myself from you, hard as I might try
I’ll be betrothed eternal to you til I die
And when the after comes as I know for sure it will
The sun will be reborn and I will take my fill
And drink from the cup so pleasant on my lips
As you block out the moon in your beautiful eclipse
And if ever I had a wish it would be just for you
And I’m sorry I have to say, you aren’t wishing for me too
You look at me with that hypnotic stare
Is there a real person under there
And you poison the paradise that ventures my soul
Was it just a dream that I could be whole
When we are both halves of the same coin
Let man not part what God thought to join
And in the rivers of death and of misery
I want all the pain brought back to me
Because each slice is a reminder of us
And the bridge that we built in stone walls of trust
So turn to your new life if that’s what you deign
But just to let you know, my love will remain
Does it matter what I say when I mean nothing to you
And is it all just for attention when I do what I do
So should I just be silent and keep my heart in check
Because when you left I found myself a wreck
And had to rebuild what you had destroyed
And understand the methods that you had employed
To do such damage to an even keel
There was an ocean that was too much to feel
But I tried and I learned to right myself once more
Although there is no way that I can put back that floor
That once held me up, so solid and so true
And decimation now is what I am to you
As I fall into the darkness, into the endless of the stars
I find that the universe has no prison bars
And everything is for my growth, everything is for my healing
And there is nothing inside that you can go stealing
So I find that in truth my love will never die
Because it does not reside in you, it resides in I
And it is ever pure and celestially soul
I find that in this moment I am incandescent whole
Beautiful disasters don’t come in threes
It’s the kind of love that brings me down to my knees
And breaks apart my heart and soul
When we first met I felt so whole
And I wonder do they know what went on in between
When we both awoke inside the other’s dream
Before it turned to nightmares of the mind
Before the moment I left you behind
And all the twists and turns wander the roads
The weight is heavy and the stress it shows
Among the guilt of breaking her down
The water rises and I start to drown
Because I just cannot escape the truth
I love you and I never put it to use
You told me so many things
And the sad thing is I believed you
And now it’s all in rack and ruins
And I’m left to wonder
If any of it was true
But that kernel
That precious kernel
Still shines
As bright as ever
And radiates out
From the source
Of all love
And happiness
And joy
And shows me
Again and again
The wonder and splendour
Of you
An emotion that rises from the bowl of my heart
Blue round the edges, midnight from the start
It grows up like waves and encircles me whole
Submerged by its weight in an ocean of coal
In a river titanic that’s growing in size
Bearing down quick and destroying my lies
More hell than heaven, harbinger of doom
The death of us all coming in soon
Fading in a moment, all the people I love
The strength of this sunk like a dove
Close my eyes, my pupils turn in
To meet dark with dark and see what it brings
I can’t bear anymore to watch people leave
My heart shredded up as it hangs on my sleeve
No words of kindness, no enveloping hugs
Stems a current that burgeons out plugs
Any attempts that I make fall flat on their face
As I hold back air like I’m losing a race
Futility complete as I reflect my own eyes
To feel it all fall the point of my life
I’m not of this place, could not be my home
When I was born to love those that are gone
True to the feeling that beats in my soul
Feel it on my lips as it swallows me whole
Drop into sunshine, drop away from the tears
Know I’ve been alive for millions of years
Those not around are a dew drop away
Feel them touch my skin when I just let it lay
Closer in absence than they ever have been
A taste of a world that I’ve never seen
You are always home to me wherever we both go
And though we do not speak in words I know that you know
As sure as the stars blaze forth in galaxies afar
The dark interweaves our souls entwined to always what we are
And I know you have moved on and our lives are separate streams
But I meet you daily and nightly in my dreams
And everywhere’s an everglade with leaves all bursting forth
You taught me how to be myself and showed me what I’m worth
But I think in sidelines, somedays, I taught you too
Cause when you were on your own I was always there with you
In the brushing of the wind or the language that we speak
You are the destiny I didn’t know how to seek
But you found me and all in the open of the air
And in that moment looking through I saw you standing there
As you moved the earth with the weight of time and age
You are more than just a fantasy or wording on a page
And everyday’s an ocean and you’re not really gone
Cause you are inside my heart and have been for so long
So don’t cry bitter tears when you think of the past of us
We’ve always had a bond and that’s where I place my trust
I can’t take it when the weather changes
And the landscape rearranges
And the daylight that you thought you knew
Has been replaced by nighttime blue
When you have come to love the warm days
And the good times of relaxing laze
A change comes expected and forecast
But still sudden and meant to last
You miss the old but get on and make do
Spend all my time wishing and hoping for you
The Poetry Book 