The Bullet In My Body

There is a bullet in my body, some kind of shrapnel 
I got from the war I fought
With a boy who can’t be bought
Not with trinkets polished to gold
Not with promises of growing old
Only the truth raises his eyes
And lets him see with no disguise
As he looks into me
Letting part of it go free
As it struggles to get loose
What is the point that you prove
When you seek to impress
Me so you can see me undress
In your mind
And I ask what’s left behind
In the water that we find
Somewhere on the shore
And I visit Loch Lomond and adore
The wilderness of mountains frame
When the English played their games
With the lives of their so called subjects
But I reject
Their colonial expanse
That would have killed the dance
Every human heart is party to
And I see that freedom in you
As you fight with me
And you don’t know that your integrity
Is my favourite thing about ya
Did you think I doubt ya
When you say that no means no
And I love you but I let it go
And trust that fate will bring us together
In this sea of highland weather
The Celt in my bones
Won’t leave it alone
And I just call you “one more time”
Would it be a crime
If I crossed your girlfriends line
That has been drawn in the sand
And I cannot love someone else’s man
Though I do
My soul will ever call to you
Across the ocean between us
I think God might dream us
When we conceive of a future we own
And do you lose if the game has been thrown?

Image Credit: https://pin.it/4vzZU65gD

Missed You Forever

It’s been so long since we touched 
I’m day drinking and my head is fucked
Thinking about your soul
Trying to kill the longing with Eckhart Tolle
Coz I see you and I’m lost in the cave
Thinking about who it is I’m gonna save
With my supernova shine
But are you really mine
If you’re sharing your bed with her
And we were wed in the water
That baptised my spirit
There’s a call but I don’t think you hear it
So I back off though my head screams
He’s the man of your dreams
And I leave down the phone
High off being with you alone
As we shout profanity
Into what is pure insanity
And we’ve both had our tussles with the law
As the icicles go through the great thaw
In the winter of my life
It’s a nuclear sort of strife
And is she your wife
I haven’t looked so I don’t know, like
And I swore in 2.0
I wouldn’t let you go
Even if we break up, you know
And it’s December 2012 and I’m crying into the fire
Coz this thing’s not going any higher
Like the ball in the sky coming back to earth
I don’t think it’s meant to hurt
It’s just the way it is
And she may be his
Between the lines
I play it a thousand times
And almost faint on the floor
That time when I saw you adore her
From the inside of your hoodie
I thought she was just your buddy
But I was wrong
And so strong
But I’m spinning out
Tripping on all my self doubt
As I slowly come to realise
You only saw me in her eyes

The Illusion Of Separation

Is love pain?
It’s a desire to be together again
And the separate
Kind of makes my hands shake
As we’re torn asunder
And all that you have of someone is their number
And years drag you apart
I am all heart
With a thin veneer
To protect me when danger comes near
And the cracks on my shell
Sure as hell wish me well
And I grow older
And bolder
With confidence
And the first defense
Is the war you make
The splinters in each breath you take
As you draw some inspiration
From the oxygen of your own creation
To live anew
I guess what I’m saying is I miss you

My Longing For Dublin

Is my longing for Dublin just coz you’re in it
I’m on the decks and it’s the way that you spin it
And there are buildings scraping the sky
And a civilization threatening to die
And I walked the yards into the green
I was ashamed of what I had been
In midnights and the dawn
I searched for something but it was gone
A pyramid scheme
Til the suffering woke the dream
Up from where it had been sleeping
Now it’s just the promise I’m keeping
As I pray to a God without belief
And the moment of relief
When all and sundry falls away
Some have called it the break of day
But it’s the dark
The dead of night in the park
Just staring at walls
Hoping for a free for all
But I got a cell and a bed to lay
Could I have had it any other way?

Evolution

Are we all just slowly burning fuses
And I dance in the garden with all the muses
But they never seem to inspire me
They just tire of me
As I sing the same old tune
The feel of you being in the room
When it all went down
Now you’ve got the crown
And they could call you king or god
But you’re not the name I call when I need the Lord
The one who never fails to show
He picks up what you let go
What you saw as infantile
Just makes my Jesus smile
And I was in the undergrowth
When he saw me start to slow
And he grabbed my hand
Showed me how he understand
All of my multiplicity
Never calling fake on me
Just chameleon to fit the shape
Of what I need to escape
The rotary burn of the wheel
That crushes how the people feel
With their own doing nice
And old age doesn’t come twice
If it’s what you need
And we all bleed
So there’s no need to cut
What you fear in another’s shut
Door to your open green
Don’t you see that life’s a scene
Playing out on the screen of us
So I open up my closed heart and trust
And it’s a white knuckle ride, my boy
You were a sort of joy
I found on Twitter
Do I just end up bitter
Coz I never had what you say
Is pertinent in the going away
That we’ve all been through
There’s nothing like the magic of you

FOMO

The fear of missing out
Haunts my sideboard
Coz nothing’s enough
I swear on the word
That I utter
Under my breath
I’m on my way
But I’m not there yet
And everything glistens
Like sunny snow
Out of my reach
But don’t you know
It’s closer than it was
And I didn’t break any laws
When I wished you down
I tore the tatters on my gown
Into the shape of a badass queen
What if this is just a dream
That is happening in consciousness
Do you trust
In the powers that be
Is it ok or will we see
What is coming down the line
There was that moment you stopped time
And I was taken by an intake of breath
It’s sharp and I cannot forget
It’s impact on my soul
I keep catching glimpses of being whole

Out There

My love hasn’t changed 
Though the atoms have rearranged
And come to form a celestial sphere
But vibrate when the glass clear
And wipe the window clean
Like it is some kind of dream
That I believe in or don’t
They tell me to leave it but I won’t
Coz you are the summer weather I crave
Not the man I came here to save
Not an ocean to span
And my voice shakes but I speak because I can
And utter the syllables long on my tongue
You’re not just a season of being young
But the epitome I’ve come to cherish
It’s okay if it’s too much to relish
In the break of dawn
A moment there and then it’s gone

Wealth Is Mine

The feeling of lostness of twenty one
When you’ve completed what is done
And people say that you’re still young
That life has barely just begun
But I feel weary in my bones
Splitting hairs and running home
And always, always alone
Except for the figures in my phone
Now I’m looking back ten years hence
When forever is in the present tense
And I’ve lifted weight off of my shoulders
Younger now that I am older
And running lines
I’ve seen this play a thousand times
And if you say that you are fine
I believe it now wealth is mine
I believe it now summer is in the air
And you can feel the presence of all that isn’t there
In empty space
Is all that youth gone to waste
Or compost for the growing grass
Ground for something that will last

The Age Of Yesteryear

The age of yesteryear
Reminds me of how things should be
I see myself running through fields
Endlessly free
I see myself bog bound
As we bring home the turf
I see myself in Delphi
As we learn how to surf
And I can't hold onto the weight 
Of passing time
I can't isolate a memory
And call it mine
And I'm flicking through pages
Though substance be naught
I'm dreaming of sages
In a net where I'm caught
And they call it samsara 
Or the endless spin
They call it karma
But can you let love in
To break across the landscape
Like a sunset to dawn
Can you finally realise
A state where pain is gone 

Photo by Iwan Shimko on Unsplash.com

The Forest and the Memory

Am I just gonna have to let you go
Coz there doesn’t seem to be any way to know
That you are here and you are there
And you know I’ll always care
As the forest closes in on the memory of us
And I dunno where to place my trust
As the ages all fold one into the other
You’re my soulmate, yeah you’re my brother
And I really hope that you’re well
But there doesn’t seem to be any way to tell
Except just to live in the light
And pray to God that you’re alright

Shanghai

It was a once in a lifetime kind of a thing
And I might have a life but I’ll never have him
And you are a wonder and touch me just so
Where he left the wound that you want to go
I wish I could agree with the please in your eyes
I nod along to the flower that dies
And you give me everything I could entertain
And I know you want to ease my pain
But does that make it right to go along
When you’ve painted the picture and mastered the song
And all I need to do is slip my hand into yours
Stand by your side as you close all the doors
Hope in my heart that it is enough
To hold back the force of his tidal wave love
That wreaked such destruction on all of my plains
I called the cops but they just took names
And now I am stranded in this waste of a place
But someone sees something when they look in my face
And I want to crawl in under your arm
Cause you swore you would never do me that kind of harm
And I know in all honesty you are speaking the truth
And it’s not the first time I have loved you
But the bitterness burns in the back of my throat
As I wonder do I want to stay afloat
Cause the weather may change and the tides may rise
But he will always be God in my eyes
Bitten by a curse I cannot undo
I don’t want to inflict myself upon you
Unsteady heart that roams the seas
And kisses the waves of who I used to be
You are neat and precise and create a home
But I’m desperado and I love it alone
To come and call with flowers to your door
And say that I wish I could give you more
But he already took all that I had
What’s left are the shards and I feel so bad
That the most of what I have to offer
Is to hold your hand and think of how he thinks of her
And you’re worth true love but you don’t let me go
I look in your eyes and I feel that I know
That whatever the winds blow me in time
My feelings for you are not only mine
But surge on repeat to a lunar command
I am your friend and I think we’ll be grand
And fall into step as I catch your breath
I could be yours if you know that I met
Him as he walked blades of grass through the field
And there’s a part of my soul that never will yield
To the onslaught of this universe
I am glad of the way he made me hurt
And if that’s something you can accept
Then maybe I can be who I ought to be yet
Catch the smile to make it spread
He let me go and left me for dead
But clasped in the locket on my chain
Is a blank space waiting for a name
So maybe Poseidan won’t drown me today
I want to say thanks for not going away

A Song of Grief and Longing

There’s much variation in land masses
Always a new city
A conglomeration of buildings standing wall to wall
But when you really sit back to look at it, we’re under a sky that doesn’t care at all
And I’ve been searching with my soul in a backpack, trying to pinpoint a star
To find the spot underneath that holds the key to my heart
But whatever the patterns drawn out in a spherical sky
It’s a different shape in actuality than appears to my eye
And is not revolving the way planetariums suppose
But rather my whole world shares in one universal prose
Just another ball of rock or a living breathing being
But it has no qualms as to the tears it will streak across the picture that we’re seeing
As it hurricanes humanity with tidal wave force
We talk about protecting the planet but it shows no remorse
To an inessential species whose disposability
Terrifies the midnight of what we presume ourselves to be
And all the ancient wisdom and the markings in caves
Doesn’t stop the onslaught of what comes at me in waves
Building to a crescendo like a fire crackling sticks
I’m burning in the flames and we’re all just candle wicks
With limited lifespan getting shorter every day
You can’t decry the summer solstice and what it puts away
Just a season cyclically is my life in reverb
I’m sorry I got mad at you, it’s just you hit a nerve
When you spoke to me the truth and I finally realised
The centre of gravity coming from your eyes
And it spoke to me of the weight that I had learned to bear
And the cracks in my facade that nothing can repair
Like all searing honesty it hit me instantly
To know that I am not for you all you are to me
A bridge to the other side where somethings ushered in
The death of all that I had hoped never would begin
And a kind of comfort to see somewhere outside
A part of me reflected that I could abide
And love fervently and true and far beyond reproach
I’m falling through the shadows and you were my last hope
As infinitesimal emptiness turns monumental ache
I have long wondered what it is that wakes
And moves through this body as a ramrod guide
Forcing me to walk down paths when I would rather hide
And salvage in the yard all of my remains
See through the desperation that was fueling my pain
That set me in the car that I drove off the road
And crumpled underneath the silk of a heavy load
As mountainous the forests stood me in their stead
But when I looked up from death I found something else instead
Or rather it found me in the long lost of a cab
Trapped in the humanity of thinking you are bad
That all your faults are real and the demons that pursue
Are not phantoms insubstantial but intensely part of you
That even though the night is deep and misty black
Somewhere a light pierced through that nothing can take back
For once you have seen or been struck down wherein you stand
You can’t undo the protein chain that makes you understand
That all of life’s a bottle just bobbing in the sea
And my only mistake was thinking it was me
That moves in with the tide and out again in motion
All I am is not what is suggested by the ocean
That rhythms by the moon as we once again seek meaning
For the reasoning behind the cohesion life’s agreeing
Resting on a pinprick of knife edge subsistence
There could be no higher order when we’re committed to resistance
As we lose our lives in seeking to grapple with and hold
You can’t capture the ochre that fades the sunset gold
With ardent eyes affectionate, though you give in to stare
I still look at the space left without you there
But no matter how I try to contain the marshalled sound
There is no hiding the obviousity when you are not around
And seeping at the pores is the unmanned sovereignty
That you were not contained by your relationship to me
And the love that bound our bodies loosened and let go
It may be many years, I still miss you though
No matter what they say or the way it all conspires
I’ll kneel down and be burnt in these purifying fires
To finally succumb to the white light that I am
It was there all along I just didn’t see the plan
Or connect the dots as they speckled my vision
You cut me through the heart with clinical precision
And I found that in the beating something was alive
I don’t have to die to be by your side