I disappear into the silence And it is a form of violence To let no one know That I am letting go Of my tenuous connection to reality For an inoculation from this insanity Everyone clicks like Meanwhile there is a spike In the suicides in the area and I just want to scream It’s the end of somebody’s dream And maybe all they needed was a hand to hold Or someone to have told Them that they’re worth it I wish they didn’t have to hurt, it Is so unfair Because I’ve been there It was in the mists, long ago But I know I know And there’s just this pause When you realise that all is lost And all the compassion in the world Couldn’t save the girl From her fate I ate what was on my dinner plate And they drove me away Storm after storm until I couldn’t say What was winter and what was just plain cold Life’s a bitch when you’re made of gold And everyone craves your Midas touch I told the boy I love him so much But he just tells me to fuck off A few years before a common cough Could spark panic in the collective zone I think I wrecked it on the phone When I tried to pour my heart’s blood Onto a floor that was too good To ever be a non stick pan I just wanted him to know what I am Meanwhile I’m sitting in the ward with Sarah And I care, ah Now she is shaking And all staff are just baking Their cakes in the oven So I stand up to their anti loving And go over and sit with her Put my arm around what we never were And tell her it’s okay She tells me to go away But I stay And I feel it fall into the abyss And the dart shoots but it miss Her beautiful self I died so you could have someone else By your side when the times get rough Isn’t Jesus all about love And psychosis may be a diagnosis But I ghosted that doctor who was too precocious For his own wealth And he can’t categorise my mental health In a trail of ink And the man threw the sink Out of its cage And I rage As we’re baking bread I would stay just to free you from your head And you write in your diary But its a new earth and I’m firey But I won’t burn down Not while there’s still people in this town Got to get them out So I let God have my mouth To utter the Word I let it be and let it be heard
In the land where death is real People lie and people steal People cheat and people thieve But it’s all coz they believe In a sudden end and in separation It is reinforced by years of education Not only in the school But by social rule Where they must obey Everything their elders say Only to grow up to be A repetition endlessly Instead of creative and new And everything they swore they would do When they were five years old No one has to be told To be pilot, to be king To be bird upon the wing But you have to be sold On being bad, on being “bold” And every child knows The phrase that everything goes The way it should be I love eternity As it presents myself Amidst “mental health” Challenges, they say I’m crazy But you know it doesn’t phase me When I’m twenty eight and in Dean Swift But the captivity was a gift As they try to sit me down And say that I will drown In all that is unwell It’s a byword for hell But I just don’t buy Everything they try To sell It’s a secret I never tell But I’m soaring high Something can never die And I will go to the lowest low If it means that someone else’s dreams Will wake before they shake By the bones and skin It’s not foolhardy to trust in Him He who moves the sky into spacious understanding He who shows the way without ever demanding That you should follow suit Oh, the world that we pollute With our constant pain That falls as acid rain Or bombs upon the children Instead of heartfulness to fill them With hope and with pride And gratitude that they’re alive I’m sorry to say That going the wrong way Means you must repent And all things are heaven sent Until you realise That every time someone cries It’s an echo of the sound That means God is around To show you where the deep Is something you can keep I didn’t know that I Was blessed until my Whole world was shaken But just like in a dream I waken And suddenly realise That nobody dies Not in the way we think But you don’t know water until you drink From that holy font It is everything I want And everything I never knew to ask I just dropped the mask And all was revealed I guess you could say that I was healed
I’m standing in the heat And I feel the power of us meet As we are seventeen and eighteen I learned that every dream I ever had Could be tied to feeling bad Because it all gets taken away from me One way or another by time or indignity And you were sent like a saint Now it’s my blood you use to paint Your facebook page And I feel a certain scent of rage Colour my cheeks That you think I’m weak And need the help of my family When I’ve always rebelled at what they wanted from me Now I’m held like a noose As though I’m the golden goose That must be prized in case she is set loose By her own hand But I wouldn’t worry, I am grand And have no intention to jump from a cliff It’s all held in a what if And the march of time Can steal everything but what’s mine God plucked me from the sea When dying was all that was left of me And I fought my way to the shore Gasping and what’s more I was tired and wrecked And something woke while I slept And in the bathroom I couldn’t bear To look in a mirror that would tear Who I was to pieces Coz everything that’s born deceases And my grandmother just left this earth And I can’t seem to bear the hurt I was fourteen And my scream Was silent and unheard Except by that holy bird Who alight on my shoulder And somehow roll away the boulder In the mouth of the tomb I find my Jesus and resume My prostrations at the feet of my Lord It’s not over till you hear the spoken Word Made flesh And every regret Falls to the floor As I worship what I was born to adore
I dreamed about you last night You were as fragile as a butterfly And it was like in real life I just had to watch you die And yet you do not leave me here You kiss me like you always did, dear On my forehead or on my cheek And when I used to feel weak I would run to your side I would hide And then let you find me And you didn’t mind me Being a little bit strange And all the peace rearrange To atoms that say that you are gone But your song Will have life as long as I am breathing You were always something I was needing As I would lie into you And at fifteen I watched you Washing the dishes at the sink And all I could do was think Of what would happen the day you died If I would break like waves of tears I cried And I insulated myself Under the veil of mental health Because I can’t shatter again And there are legions of men Who would take my hand And make me “understand” What true love means But it’s insubstantial as the stuff of dreams And you are wholly really And even though you’ve left I still feel You in my veins and blood Like when I was lying in the wood And I felt the soul of the trees Kiss me when I’m on my knees And I know that your prayers save me Even when I cave, we Will always be a two by two And it’s not up to someone forgetting you It’s something that you always are You are not on some far distant star You are in my heart And in this instant we are not apart
The tears that flow It’s been nearly twenty years since you let go And people tell me to move on But how do I ignore the space where you’re gone A beacon of love and trust And I know they just aren’t fussed Coz to lose a grandmother is par for the course Something common, like weddings and divorce But no one told me what it would be like to have you ripped From the fortress I had equipped With everything I had So nothing bad Could happen And you were just napping In the kitchen when Rocky lay down by the settee And I had had fourteen years when you showered love on me And I know I am closer to the grave Than the point that could save You from the monsters that eat your soul But somehow I know that Jesus made you whole And the cancer spreads I’m crying in bed But there’s nothing I can do I can’t heal you At least not yet But there’s something I will never forget Like when you told me good things come to those who wait And I trudge through the hate Coz I know your advice is true And there was wisdom that had its home in you And you made rhubarb tart for us all I take a place by the wall But you wink at me And save the biggest piece and for free You offer me the whole damn world I’ll always be your girl
The boat rocked when the wave shook me to my core And I kindly showed her to the door When she took out the dagger and it caught the light And I could see in the night That she never wished me well And it rained holy hell On my town I contemplated what it would be like to drown In a nearby lake Would she come to my wake Like the whole community does when someone dies Then someone’s loved one cries And I couldn’t do that to them But I wouldn’t like to be back there again Because it was as pitch as the blackest dark And it left a mark The scar is what I cherish now Because the truth got to me somehow And I don’t understand the Lord but he saved my life And he doesn’t want me to just be a wife And surrender and go down Like everyone does everywhere around It’s like you hit thirty And everything you thought was dirty Suddenly looks so damn appealing And there were comics that I was stealing The day I followed a trail And I swore my soul was not for sale But I danced on the edge of a cliff Balancing on a what if And it mattered to me less than naught But what if I get caught So I commit myself to an institution Maybe they can straighten out my convolution And I’ve always had a strong constitution But it doesn’t hold up under this pressure There’s nothing like a doctor to stress ya Especially when they’ve got all the power But I am not one to cower So I just run to the sea But they’re still watching me As I find a corner of the room That doesn’t sink with the sound of doom That echoed around that place And I couldn’t show my face To anyone at all I just remember the length of the hall When you’re walking it alone And they’ve taken my phone So I follow Sinéad and pace the route But they jot down that I follow suit And it’s all just a case study to them And they assure me it will happen again If I forsake the pills And the bending of my wills But I’m about done with this I’m still thinking about Jack’s kiss
Life is a tremulous thing And a bird with only one wing Flies in a circle if she flies at all I just remember running into the hall And screaming bloody blue murder As I woke up from a sleep I had been held in the bed By a weight I could not keep And they all held like snooker balls Atoms of air until they all fall And weigh on me like turf But I am released and I surf The wave out of the room Imagine arms catching me with the sound of doom And my parents come to me in a flash And I’m crying, trembling and I can’t put the genie back In the bottle now that he’s been set free Every time the phone rings my heart beats against the tree I use to hold myself together Because the weather Was unpredictable and strange And no matter how stable it would always change As I lose a grandmother to the going away And I must not cry because she could not stay But my ears are pulsing with the noise And the din rattles bones like they are play toys As I always expect the next mute surrender I gave in to always remember The torture of losing love to the emptiness Now the darkness starts to dress Me in its own clothes and cloak Everything around me in the bespoke Am I just reading the dial When people look at me I fake a smile So they don’t look to hard And see the facade behind the business card I hand out to everyone who wants to get in touch And you’d never know I love you so much When I just stare into your soul Every wave is beautiful but they all roll Into the one And every man is somebody’s son And deserves respect and compassion Even when he sings about an assassin That lives in his heart She aimed true though and took the part He had been protecting out of the dark And I bet he was the better mark In the end I’d like to think she knows I’m a friend But all bullets find their way home I guess that’s why she’s complete and I am alone With my own front facing tremor I don’t think I’d want to be on the good ship Endeavour Even if I was to stake a claim And somehow make a name For myself in the western based media But its not all what they feed to ya As babies cry for mother they’ll never see I just don’t want that to ever be me
The embodiment of the prose That happens at the intersection of less travelled roads Where you meet two parallel paths And think of how God might have wrath For you and entice You into a darkness that isn’t nice Because if you look in the biblical frame You’re talking to someone who has no name And you can call him Yahweh or Yeshua I just know that I wouldn’t mess with ya Not on any given Sunday But trouble doesn’t come on a Monday It was some idle Tuesday blue That took me from you And I was just walking back From the place where I lack Everything that ever was Do I lose you because I didn’t pray for peace Is there a reason why people decease Before their time Which is always now if you ask the rhyme In the indulgent hues Now I just pay my dues As they fall onto my desk Trust and have faith and forsake the rest As it eyes up my piece of bread But it’s all madness in my head As I hear a million voices Asking me if they have choices In why they are condemned to A kind of hell I’m party to And if I’m the only one who nears Then do I run away when danger nears Or do I open the gap And shed light on the torn map That says beyond this point You must not go because the anoint Have adorned it a place for sinners And all the winners That you have ever known Have only ever grown Through the pain of embracing the shadow I often wonder if I am bad, though
The apparent solidity of matter is an illusion And there seems to be some confusion Over what it means When sages says that its just one of those dreams That seems to linger And the finger Pointing to the moon Cannot come to soon But do not mistake It for a freedom you cannot fake You know when you’ve been deceived It happens when there’s something you believed Rather than known And the flowers grown And in full bloom Can fragrance a room So it is with you I’m telling you coz you want me to Deep in your heart There is something no one can tear apart Not with knives and scissors Not with hacksaws and chisels It lives in a domain Beyond the realm of pain And the Bible speaks of the Valley In the Shadow of Death and any One who disputes That it encroaches on the resolute Must be wrong Because when I was strong I felt it multiply I was so afraid to die But when the midnight came I was simply not the same And surrendered the ghost To the Light I love the most It is my Jesus true And He asked me to share Him with you
It’s either a famine or a feast So say the ones who have deceased And left us with their words And I may be away with the birds But I still have something left to impart Because that holy dart Struck me straight into the heart And said stand up and speak The one who says to the weak Or the cripple to walk I’ve been silent but now I talk And my voice is resonant With a power that’s heaven sent As the Christ makes Himself known In the garden that has grown In the absence of stares And somebody cares About who you are And every star That ever was must burn So why did my sky take a turn To spin around the sun I think I know the only One That will ever come to reside In the heart where love abide As I give the King his reign Please don’t ask me to do that again But if you do I will consent And acquiesce to your request To be the tower in the shade It’s something I cannot evade As I spill secrets to my GP And she looks back at me With frightened eyes My disguise Has grown thin Since I revealed myself to him And I can no longer lie by omission Or sell myself for a commission But bullet reverberate around my soul Leaving me riddled with holes Like the pillars of the GPO Who are the British in this, do you know?
The dying of the light Everything is gonna be alright Because the night Only comes so that the dawn Shows you what was never gone And we are in a cyclical spin But I am always in love with Him As, steadfast, He spans the dream And I only know how to be a queen Unselfish unto the sky And not afraid to die For what I Am Standing for what you cannot plan To come to be and sustain The fields do not refuse rain
On sidelines in the winter The cold pierces my soul And what are waves to do But roll and roll and roll As I stand by the shore What do you adore When pain is at home And wherever you roam You will find All that you have left behind In secrets and in sudden starts The beauty that his love imparts
They could put me up on a cross And all would not be lost They could drive me down the alley And I would still walk in the valley Of the shadow of death And I would not fear yet For the Lord would be by my side And I would abide As I always am Moving in space without a plan And the heat of the fire is a furnace blast But something’s healed within the cast The broken bone And the heart of solid stone Cracks at the sound of the light I love my Jesus, alright And would follow that soul, that man, that being In the waves of ocean that he’s freeing And all the sheep Are like people that we keep Safe from harm I panicked and he stayed calm As the water raged I took a leaf out of his page When he held out his hand And said you will be grand If only you trust I shake and quake but I must Go palm to palm At first the audience and then the psalm To leave my spirit ringing Tell me what else should I be singing
The burning pain encases my soul And like the waves I roll and roll Until I crash to the floor And all I used to adore In verdant green Is part of what it means To walk in this skin And part of me’s in love with him As we age and pale Giving up what’s not for sale To the highest bidder It’s first come, first served and the weather Is just one more seasonal spin Do I let him in Coz he’s knocking down my door Hammering ever more and more As the years pass And I was outclassed In the long grass And today I went to Mass And felt that age old relief As I stepped back into belief As I stare at a man on a cross Thinking all is not lost Coz my Saviour died for me But He lived and that sets me free That Truth exists And quells the sound in the mists That grapple and let me go This cloud looks like it’s full of snow Or thundered might But Jesus loves me and I’m alright
Letting go of what he did to me Letting go of what she said Letting go of the nightmares That haunt me troubled in bed Coz I’m living untethered I’m a wildebeest at heart And all I seem to know how to do Is make my pain into art And I paint my own canvas I love the glorious white But the colours of rainbow Make the fire in me ignite And I throw in some earphones It’s punk rock and emo lite I nod to the folks you asked If I was alright And I’ve got fury Burning a candle Maybe I’m just too hot to handle But I’m an Aries and my planet Mars Rules the conduct in the passing of stars And you’ll never be able to touch What is beyond your reach I didn’t come here for students I’m not one who has to teach To live my own compass point It’s been years since the Love anoint Me with its holy Chrism I try to get away but it seems the answer is Him And He brushes my hair out of my face Looks down from Heaven and gives me a taste Of what it must be like to live in the realm Where God is a friend and Truth is at the helm In the midnight of another sorrow I get by on daydreams and the light I borrow From the sun that gives me life Seems the setting shade gives you twice The morning on replay It’s always bright at the break of day
My Jesus opened the door He let me see that there’s something more Beyond the chasm of calls The teaching of words, the world’s enthralled And I was on my knees begging to sky Watching someone I love slowly die Why don’t you do something, where are you But you took her and put me through Some kind of hell What is it the story that you tell That the Almighty is all that exists Then why did you put me on your list And it’s a sudden awning pain Like the cold when you’ve been out in rain And I’m on the floor With my head resting against the door And a sudden spark ignites Wherefrom did all these lights Appear And I hear her say, my dear Like she always did when she was alive And her flowers didn’t survive But something she planted did, God knows It’s been living in me and it shows So I wash my face, dry my tears And I’ve been holding it in for years and years And it’s finally singing a song My Lord, you did nothing wrong And it’s more than a future reunite It’s a love that holds you in the night When you’re punching the air Cursing all that isn’t there But something new is born The moment that the fabric’s torn
Leave up your tools
Leave up your weapons
Your weariness
And your confessions
Your striving to
Be better than most
Your kneeling to
The Holy Ghost
Give it all up
And follow me now
Into the depths
Of what I’ll allow
Into the chasm
A cave of sorts
There’s no one left
With whom to consort
Give up your tired
Old way of thieving
And all your absence
Of believing
All the ways
You rid yourself
Of the world
And everything else
Give up the struggle
For you’ve struggled in vain
To hold my hand
Under the rain
I bring the Sun
For I am That
Follow me now
And don’t look back
The Poetry Book 