I disappear into the silence And it is a form of violence To let no one know That I am letting go Of my tenuous connection to reality For an inoculation from this insanity Everyone clicks like Meanwhile there is a spike In the suicides in the area and I just want to scream It’s the end of somebody’s dream And maybe all they needed was a hand to hold Or someone to have told Them that they’re worth it I wish they didn’t have to hurt, it Is so unfair Because I’ve been there It was in the mists, long ago But I know I know And there’s just this pause When you realise that all is lost And all the compassion in the world Couldn’t save the girl From her fate I ate what was on my dinner plate And they drove me away Storm after storm until I couldn’t say What was winter and what was just plain cold Life’s a bitch when you’re made of gold And everyone craves your Midas touch I told the boy I love him so much But he just tells me to fuck off A few years before a common cough Could spark panic in the collective zone I think I wrecked it on the phone When I tried to pour my heart’s blood Onto a floor that was too good To ever be a non stick pan I just wanted him to know what I am Meanwhile I’m sitting in the ward with Sarah And I care, ah Now she is shaking And all staff are just baking Their cakes in the oven So I stand up to their anti loving And go over and sit with her Put my arm around what we never were And tell her it’s okay She tells me to go away But I stay And I feel it fall into the abyss And the dart shoots but it miss Her beautiful self I died so you could have someone else By your side when the times get rough Isn’t Jesus all about love And psychosis may be a diagnosis But I ghosted that doctor who was too precocious For his own wealth And he can’t categorise my mental health In a trail of ink And the man threw the sink Out of its cage And I rage As we’re baking bread I would stay just to free you from your head And you write in your diary But its a new earth and I’m firey But I won’t burn down Not while there’s still people in this town Got to get them out So I let God have my mouth To utter the Word I let it be and let it be heard
I dreamed about you last night You were as fragile as a butterfly And it was like in real life I just had to watch you die And yet you do not leave me here You kiss me like you always did, dear On my forehead or on my cheek And when I used to feel weak I would run to your side I would hide And then let you find me And you didn’t mind me Being a little bit strange And all the peace rearrange To atoms that say that you are gone But your song Will have life as long as I am breathing You were always something I was needing As I would lie into you And at fifteen I watched you Washing the dishes at the sink And all I could do was think Of what would happen the day you died If I would break like waves of tears I cried And I insulated myself Under the veil of mental health Because I can’t shatter again And there are legions of men Who would take my hand And make me “understand” What true love means But it’s insubstantial as the stuff of dreams And you are wholly really And even though you’ve left I still feel You in my veins and blood Like when I was lying in the wood And I felt the soul of the trees Kiss me when I’m on my knees And I know that your prayers save me Even when I cave, we Will always be a two by two And it’s not up to someone forgetting you It’s something that you always are You are not on some far distant star You are in my heart And in this instant we are not apart
The boat rocked when the wave shook me to my core And I kindly showed her to the door When she took out the dagger and it caught the light And I could see in the night That she never wished me well And it rained holy hell On my town I contemplated what it would be like to drown In a nearby lake Would she come to my wake Like the whole community does when someone dies Then someone’s loved one cries And I couldn’t do that to them But I wouldn’t like to be back there again Because it was as pitch as the blackest dark And it left a mark The scar is what I cherish now Because the truth got to me somehow And I don’t understand the Lord but he saved my life And he doesn’t want me to just be a wife And surrender and go down Like everyone does everywhere around It’s like you hit thirty And everything you thought was dirty Suddenly looks so damn appealing And there were comics that I was stealing The day I followed a trail And I swore my soul was not for sale But I danced on the edge of a cliff Balancing on a what if And it mattered to me less than naught But what if I get caught So I commit myself to an institution Maybe they can straighten out my convolution And I’ve always had a strong constitution But it doesn’t hold up under this pressure There’s nothing like a doctor to stress ya Especially when they’ve got all the power But I am not one to cower So I just run to the sea But they’re still watching me As I find a corner of the room That doesn’t sink with the sound of doom That echoed around that place And I couldn’t show my face To anyone at all I just remember the length of the hall When you’re walking it alone And they’ve taken my phone So I follow Sinéad and pace the route But they jot down that I follow suit And it’s all just a case study to them And they assure me it will happen again If I forsake the pills And the bending of my wills But I’m about done with this I’m still thinking about Jack’s kiss
South Africa’s leading the charge And we are all floating on a barge Down the river Thames Watching it happen again And over one hundred and fifty years ago The Irish were starved to death so The British could maintain their economy The invisible hand and the maize crop they take away from me So how do I not feel Palestine As though the struggle was mine Babies screaming in the street As the winter steals the heat And Israel bombs the buildings Do they not care for the children Who will grow up with war wounds Or the ones who died too soon The mothers, fathers, family, friends Is this how the world ends Watching silently from the western front As a people bear the brunt Of what’s held in the unconscious And I don’t know what they want us To do in the movement in between When they convince the dream That it is reality But the lie is not getting the best of me
Creating my own version of hell Just to wish you well And appease the masses Coz the girl’s got classes That she takes on being herself And you could say that her wealth Hinges on being all that she is not And if you try to help a lot It will backfire Because she tire Of female dreams When you pull the fabric at the seams And enter into a plausible affair With someone that isn’t even there And her sister bites And ignites Passion she doesn’t know how to wear As she complains it isn’t fair And resigns herself to a fate She’s not even allowed to hate Coz that could constitute a sin A conflagration that’s within But I burn With every axis turn And understand how the devil might feel To be told that nothing is real And his existence is naught But a way to keep people caught God is everything He’s in every broken wing And in every fallen star There’s no way to escape what you are Even if you turn away The Truth will have the final say
The darkness that ensued And all I could do was brood Over the way things had come to be Confinement was the only mystery I could bear to hold So I ran from the fields of gold To the chains in the city And it was more self pity Than it was bravery I couldn’t face the truth And the pillars of my youth Are falling around me Now I have no grandfather to ground me So I just grasp at empty air Because you are no longer there To catch me when I fall And see me play football Down at the pitch Making a switch With Linda on the field But the wind blows and I yield To it and let you go It was harder than you know To relax my grasp On the part of me that was born to last And I couldn’t cry tears Despite the years We spent together And the weather Turned suddenly snow And somehow I just know That it’s time And my crime Is that I couldn’t bear to face This aspect of the human race That we must say goodbye To the people we love as they die And I’m hearing voices The people in Pat’s say it’s just noises But I sense that I can hear More than just the ones I hold dear From the other side I think they are still alive In some other realm And at the helm Is a spirit greater than we can understand He is not ruled over by man But free to birth into the world of form And just because my body’s warm Doesn’t mean that I’m separate From the ones my heart equate With eternal love And if I no longer have to look above But within to find you there Would you know that I still care?
I hold back what I really want to write Because I’m scared that it might be shite Or even worse profanity Paying testament to insanity Held beneath the skin I walk It’s only trouble that I talk As I head to the abyss Fearing for a night to kiss And they held me in a healing balm The doctor took my shattered arm And led me to the door They drove me there and what’s more Is I kind a liked it when Barry called my name again Out like a prophet does Jesus Lord knows how I need it When I’m in the smoking room With Aoibhín and the sonic boom As we draw rainbows on the wall In pens my parents brought me from outside Outside the cavern that keeps me alive For the time being It’s a different way of seeing But it’s true enough to say I couldn’t have had it any other way And the doctor mumbles and utters vague treatises under his breath On what the war with self does to make you forget What you have come to be But I cannot shake the feeling that he cannot see Just who he is talking to “Delusions of grandeur, we’ll add that one to The long list we made of your faults” And I kinda get sick of opening vaults For them to plunder my wealth In the name of mental health And I wonder what they’re preserving Or what God they are observing When they make idol tropes And then they tell Shauna how to cope With the fact that she can’t bear To get out of the clothes that she seems to wear Each and every single day But I won’t let her leave that way So I go and sit by her side When she’s in the horrors and I abide I feel it fall away from her grasp You know that bitch, that poisoned asp And I crush its head on the floor You’re not taking aim at someone I adore Even if it’s by her doing It’s not something you should be pursuing In any eventuality Me, St. Pat’s and immortality
I’m on medication Change the TV station Because I am strong And I have done nothing wrong But I want to reveal How I feel For all the broken and shamed For all of the days that cannot be named Because of the darkness they emanate And you feel trapped in that state When you are in it And the Church just says don’t sin it But I’ve got to believe there’s another way To articulate, to say That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how To deal with the weight in the fields you plough And I want to issue to sky That there is something that doesn’t die In the perforate You don’t need to equate What you do with what you are You are born from the scattered star That once imploded So though they may have goaded You into submission Remember your original condition And that shine God is neither yours nor mine But the infinite You are not alone tonight
I’m on medication Change the TV station Because I am strong And I have done nothing wrong But I want to reveal How I feel For all the broken and shamed For all of the days that cannot be named Because of the darkness they emanate And you feel trapped in that state When you are in it And the Church just says don’t sin it But I’ve got to believe there’s another way To articulate, to say That your crime is being innocent and not knowing how To deal with the weight in the fields you plough And I want to issue to sky That there is something that doesn’t die In the perforate You don’t need to equate What you do with what you are You are born from the scattered star That once imploded So though they may have goaded You into submission Remember your original condition And that shine God is neither yours nor mine But the infinite You are not alone tonight
My future regret Comes in days that haven’t happened yet And I feel guilt Like a blade broken at the hilt For all my sorrows and all my sins The near misses and the almost wins As I try to fight my true nature Hitting like a meteor into a crater And leaving a mess all around I’m silent but you hear the sound Of everything Of a bird on the wing That seems to soar Do you want something more Than what you’ve always had It’s stereotypical, this feeling bad Like dread is a mountain I meet in my sleep And broken promises are all that I keep Close to me as I lie on my pillow Bending the truth like it’s a weeping willow Just to measure up Please, Lord, take away this cup But the present moment ever is And this life is only His In His majesty Just don’t wave a red flag at me
If there’s a loving God why did he create hell Is it excommunication or just not knowing you well Coz I see you on the verge of every tip I love to talk Fascinated in my mind by the way that you walk As if those two shoulders hold some kind of weight I can see them start to buckle under heavy fate So I reach out and grab a hand We lock eyes; you’ll be grand And I would die and sacrifice a thousand times Just to pen you poetry that fit with your rhymes And the darkness cascades But you’re the one that it saves For me I love you so much more, I’m free With the steady beam of headlight gaze Did you deepen the hue or did I just colour the page The shade of blue you are to me Some unspeakable mystery That blurs all the lines between good and okay It’s not in what he does or does not say It’s the vulnerability and the honest truth The softness I felt in my youth To hold your hand And sit beside your slipping sand Til the hourglass crack Now I want you back For eternity I scrawl in my diary A name that I’ll keep Wake, brother bear, it’s no time for sleep
To love you is to jump through hoops And we are surrounded by suits Telling us what to do But you always walked on your own, didn’t you And I admire Your defiant, blazing fire And, the smoke, it plumes And fills all the rooms With your stardust I seemed to have just brushed It off my shirt The bathroom and the way it hurt As I hide in bed Back to playing in the shed When we were ten years old Before the streets were paved with gold As I find Something time left behind I pick up the broach As, subject to reproach, I stand still And their diamond will Can’t move me Now that I pulse like the sea In a current deeper due And the hue Of the evening sky Reflects against my waning lie As I learn to be true And lean back into You The one and only that ever is There are times I call it His Because the language that I’ve learned Is to speak of the shrub that burned For Moses in the cave Or St. Paul and the light that save All the Christians from his wrath It’s a revelation that won’t turn back From its origin, from its source And all the remorse Washes like waves and the tide Pull the heart that keeps me alive In this body and warm As the house is battered by the storm That I resist And exist As torrential rain Would I go through it again Just to see you smile And all the while You endure And I pure Clash with the waters deep In the secret that we keep Enclosed and safe Entering the holy cave
They could put me up on a cross And all would not be lost They could drive me down the alley And I would still walk in the valley Of the shadow of death And I would not fear yet For the Lord would be by my side And I would abide As I always am Moving in space without a plan And the heat of the fire is a furnace blast But something’s healed within the cast The broken bone And the heart of solid stone Cracks at the sound of the light I love my Jesus, alright And would follow that soul, that man, that being In the waves of ocean that he’s freeing And all the sheep Are like people that we keep Safe from harm I panicked and he stayed calm As the water raged I took a leaf out of his page When he held out his hand And said you will be grand If only you trust I shake and quake but I must Go palm to palm At first the audience and then the psalm To leave my spirit ringing Tell me what else should I be singing
Writing a poem for you Because God wanted me to And it happened when I was eleven Memories of you when I was seven And I woke in the night with a rhyme in my head I sat in the bathroom and instead Of writing it down I let the ocean drown Me with waves of grief And every day it’s beyond belief Because there’s no going back And you only know it when you lack A grandfather you love And their promises of above Don’t stem the catapulting might Of waking in the night With a poem at your pen If I could go back again I would pay tribute to you With love instead of falling into A mire that knows no end Did I really lose a friend And I stay around Kilglass Coz the memory last And your house is just across the road The years sped up but time slowed Down enough to let me look back And I found someone who goes by the name of Jack And he stills the storm in my bones Holds my hand through the all alones That stifle my voice I don’t scream by choice Just the horror of losing you Like I’ve become the void I stare into As if I could find you in my grief That the pain is a measure of the leaf I take out of your book Does the past take a second look Into the vast of the sky The Kingdom of Heaven that will never die
The power of my voice I speak and it’s not by choice It’s like God has hold of my tongue And I surrendered to Him when I was young Now he commands more than I can believe I let Him move me and it relieve The pressure that’s been building Up in my soul Does a wave know it’s water When it starts to roll Only to crash back into the sea Never really leaving the vicinity Of ocean all the time I thought I could call the people mine But they turned on me and the desire Burned in me like sulfurous fire Always aching to reach out beyond They lock me up and I abscond Only to be returned to the same place again The bathroom floor and me are great friends And it is cool against my cheek Do you remember that time I got weak And collapsed in front of the class I didn’t know the Revelation last Now I’ve got vines pulling at my hands I’ve got an hourglass and it’s slipping sand But does God just turn it when the time runs out So He can achieve without any doubt And is there a way I can transcend Something about the riverbend And being open to what you don’t know I held on so tight, now I let go And the winter can’t stop me loving the snow His hand connected with the wrong side of a blow And I was felled just like a tree Except it didn’t really happen to me Just some grass in the forest I don’t know what I’m doing, if I’m being honest But the road is paved, the path is beaten And I can’t avoid the moment I meet Him There in the woods of ill repute You wear a dress, I’ll play the flute And music will last for the whole night I look up and grin because I am alright
Love, he reaches out to you And, God, I don’t know what to do But I move my feet To the tune of his beat And it’s not quite a dance Coz it’s woken from the trance And music don’t sound the same But I vibrate to the holy name Of the one who saved my life Not once but more than I’d like And I’ve been relegated in the extreme But it’s only within the dream
Not my will
But thine own be done
The power of
The Holy One
The Power of
The Immortal Being
That’s looking through
These eyes as Seeing
That lifts my arm
So I can walk
That moves a body
So it can talk
That causes subtle
Fade aways
Like stars
At the end of days
That causes love
That points out hate
So everything is kept
In its place
That secret, hidden
Silence underneath
That’s walking as
My path to feet
That’s moving as
My blood to air
The peace that
Just isn’t there
The Nothing that
Can e’er be touched
And all that
I love so much
Is fueling a different
Roundabout
As it is pouring
Out my mouth
Back to home
Back to Now
I bring myself
To You and bow
My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need
This is the first and only time I’ll write a poem
To go with a gif I found
Its just the feeling of being fucked with
By the Universe is too profound
I go looking for apples and there is an orchard
Of trees growing in my house
I go looking for lions and find them in nets
So I can be the mouse
And every day its clearer, every day its true
There is a third energy coming from me and you
Pilfering our daydreams right out of our hands
And making them come true outside of demands
From places we can’t hold and heavys we can’t lift
Accept the love you’re given because its a gift
And worrying too much and being a try hard
Is only blocking windows because horizons are too far
And even though I doubt and even though I claim
I fall by the wayside and am picked up again
By a power I don’t know and surely can’t contain
Don’t curse falling water when you love the rain
And don’t try to make it sacred, don’t try to make it holy
When using words like wisdom that are coming from you only
And making it a monster or making it a queen
Denys the reality of living the daydream
That was made and designed by a higher hand
He brought Him to You so trust the command
I don’t want help, I just want to express
The feelings inside, my perennial distress
And I don’t want sad looks from any of you
Not doing this for pity, that’s not what I would do
It’s just that I’m proud of the strongest of me
That came from the darkness of what I came to be
And the night closed in on me with a march from the source
It was rough and unkind, the epitome of course
And I found silvered light or maybe you could say gold
And a kind of immortal that will never grow old
And it lit up my life and shone so very bright
That I knew in that moment that I would be alright
And I just want to share the vestiges of pain
And that there is sunlight under the rain
And that there is earth under pavements complete
That there is a God and I fall at his feet
Could I stand up and be an example for the world
Could I just let my power be unfurled
And could all my secrets be thrown to the wind
As I stand in the light and say that I have sinned
Could I stand for the darkness as well as the light
And say I know you’re sad but it is alright
And say I’ve been there too and walked a fine line
But it isn’t terrible to say that you need time
And however and whensoever you choose to break the seal
I didn’t know it at the time but I think I cut a deal
To be one and one with God and honesty complete
I only seem to be happy when I’m kneeling at His feet
And ever that he asks me is thus to be carried out
I relearn every day just what I am about
And why is it so hard just to let it all fly free
I think this earth is waiting for what I was born to be
It’s ok to fear the darkness, it’s something we all feel
And it may take some time for the scars to truly heal
And though they may torment you as you turn in bed at night
I have seen the stars and it will be alright
There is a forever where horizons never reach
And there is a together where you’re standing on the beach
And there is a demise to all the hate and pain
There is always sunlight just beyond the rain
So don’t hide your face my child as you lie there alone
There is a God of sorts and he will take you home
And he is not all thunder and all harrowing might
He is the thing inside that sets your heart alight
The Poetry Book 