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emotion

Matter and Form

I move with the sea
In tides I roll
Everybody compresses
Their immortal soul
Down into matter
Down into form
Down into just
Keeping the bed warm
And I don’t have the answer
Don’t know the explain
Why the wind comes in sheets
And the air blows in rain
But I know this much
Though I don’t as much say
That life comes in waves
To keep things at bay

Image Credit: Elentori on DeviantArt

Dust

Kissing dust at the edge of the sky
The feeling of wanting to both live and die
As I come apart slowly in your hands
Salty water where sea meets the sands
And there are no firestorms here
Only candlelight and your breath in the mirror
To quench the fog I’ve held for so long
To bring me back to where I belong
Resting as always by your side
Within is without and I am alive
Now that I know what I’ve kept at bay
The something inside that’s not going away

Image Source: https://pin.it/elju6ednwy7wob

The Feminine Resistance to Feeling Weak

I’ve begun to notice, primarily in myself, that there is a massive amount of resistance inside of me to the idea of feeling weak. I believe part of this is because I’ve always fallen into the “strong female”, “ass kicking” stereotype, not divorced from my emotions but experiencing them, as they relate to men, in a very balanced and detached way. However, despite this, there have been times in my life, when I have genuinely felt on the back foot with men, and by the back foot I mean dependent. Despite my best attempts I have found myself relying on people in a way that I never thought I would. This is not the loving, balanced, reliability of sharing your emotions but the neediness I’ve always looked down on in other women and sought to distance myself from.

However, part of this journey is allowing myself to feel negative emotions as they arise within me. I found this surprisingly easy when it comes to heavy weighty emotions that I can tie to instances from my past and surprisingly difficult when it comes to letting another see that I am not the golden one at all times. I had tied my idea of success and strength in relationships to the lack of a “need” for a man and yet was perfectly comfortable letting myself need other things in my life, even when it made me weak.

What I’ve come to realise is that the ability to accept this neediness comes from a place of strength inside of you and when you deny that experience you are essentially denying your own strength. You are equating yourself with your emotions and you are refusing to trust in the base line solidity to carry you through. I notice this a lot in other people, that this backlash of an idea has arisen as women have gotten more independent, that we now need to be “strong” and any admittance of vulnerability is a mortal sin. However, like men, we are human and we have emotions. Women have typically been comfortable in this domain but have maybe divorced themselves from it in the last number of years. However, it is not necessary that this should be problematic. Rather than irrationality it is an availability to the deeper realms of life and it is only through the full embrace of femininity that we can realise our true power. As long as we are denying our feelings and making them evil we are victims and we will experience life through a victim identity and experience the consequent fear. Of course it is true that men are often dangerous and volatile but I would argue that this is so because they are cut off from their true nature, which is neither of those things. Through the redeeming power of the feminine, man can be returned to his original state of oneness and non-division. But in order for a woman to hold space for a man, she first has to have been able to give herself that sense of self compassion and forgiveness.

Rule Number One: Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Then kick ass.

 

Practical Payment

I suck the soul out of anyone who gets too close
They come near and back off like they’ve seen a ghost
Cause I have an emptiness that terrifies
And I can see the vacuum reflect in their eyes
I try to be cautious, keep a distance in between
But now and then I slip up and they see what I mean
Cause I sleep on sidewalks and profess love to the stars
And I don’t respect the steel of prison bars
Or the dust and ash you build into hovels
I will not be as one who grovels
But for all its apparant obviousness, it seems to come as a surprise
When it hits you that everybody dies
And in that oasis held in my still
I have been touched by something that never will
And can’t go back to what was before
And believe what I don’t anymore
As I drive away both friends and foes
The attraction expands and the chasm grows
And I can’t stop the obliteration that filters through the night
I just don’t want to lose you alright
But innocence cannot protect itself
I don’t think I am like anybody else
Where love is just a word you bargain into a deal
If you step into my sphere I will surreptitiously  steal
All the fragments until you’re nothing but bone
And when its done I will leave you alone
And hope my hands paid out what they owe
But whatever you promise I know you will go
So for your own sake please caution your step
Cause I am a darkness that’s not finished yet
And mouth to mouth resuscitation will only leave you gasping for air
Until you realise what just isn’t there
I will fall to the ground and beg for your absolution
But you’re hard of heart to my execution
And punish the payment I gave with my soul
To scratch the surface where I left a hole
As you revolve in bitterness for
What I couldn’t bend to anymore

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