This Feeling Within

I’ve always lived with this panic I can barely contain
You can say what you want or give it a name
Call it anxiety or ocd
All I know is something’s following me
And it’s there in the midnight, it’s there in the dawn
Sometimes it stays quiet so I think that it’s gone
But it always returns
And, my Lord, it burns
Like a furnace or a glowing ember
More so in a dark December
You can called it depression or psychosis
Just a modern type of neurosis
And they hit me up with pills and drugs
But it don’t match one of your hugs
For bringing the stillness and quiet in me
One moment with you and I’m set free
And I know I can’t always be craving
Like a street that walks with the absence of paving
Or when the song of a bird signals the sky
I’m lost in this moment and I don’t know why
Til one day amongst the trees
I saw something I could barely believe
It was akin to heavenly light
And it says you will be alright
So I start skipping with the joy
Then see it reflected in a boy
As he is just passing by
For a moment, love, and I don’t know why
Coz Hayley throws all her castles down
And some people dream of a beautiful gown
But all I want’s this moment now
After all my trekking I find myself somehow
Back in the same place that I started
With more of depth the wise imparted
And grieving over loss has left
The coast that used to know me best
To set sail for another land
Where everything is understand
And unmapped and unplanned
The safety of the surest sand
As it gathers between my toes
I walked this beach for years, God knows
And externalized reality
It is the taste of the salty sea
That reminds me where you are
I would have wished upon a star
If I’d have known that you exist
In my honesty, I persist
To see it all come right round
And silence is the truest sound
As it enunciates the field
The grass grows slow to know to yield
As the fabric bends in certain places
And is 99% open spaces
Where you can go running free
It’s all awake atomically
It’s all vibrating in motion
A symbol for pure devotion
To the God that gave me life
Not just a man and his wife
But something surging in the air
I can feel its presence there
Only to exacerbate
The thing I feel that I hate
The storm that holds me by the toe
Then dips me in the rivers flow
Til I’m shouting let me go
But it knows better than I know
And asks more of me than I can refrain
From doing over once again
In certainty and acquiescence
Shining forth from the essence
Of its incandescent light
It whispers; love, you’ll be alright

Secret Smiles

Corey’s eyes are like a jungle

He smiles, it’s like the radio

Taylor Swift
Darling, you’ve got stars in your eyes
And I’m full of existential whys
But you are the answer without reason
My safe space in open season
And I could cacophony the sound
But I always want you around
In the depths of my consciousness
In the moments we exist
Whether on the astral plane
Or in the summer as the clouds rain
And I throw back my head laughing with you
And it’s not just coz you want me to
There is a sense that together
Could be the place beyond the weather
And in these shoes that I’m walking
Is the memory of the two of us talking
Silent and sincere or open hearted
It’s like I asked and the oceans parted
And if we never come to be
Could you still realise what you mean to me
In oft tried second glances
Or just the air we breathe taking chances
Could you smile and let the light shine
For me just one more time
As you look absolute
The one place I’ve found truth
In the wisdom of our youth
Do you think it’s a just pursuit
Or are we just running away
Filled with things we cannot say
In silence spaces and in highs
You and I are not goodbyes

Unfathomably Deep

There was that time
I tried to drink you out
But my foundations were not shaken
And I couldn’t even doubt
That you were the one for me
Now I don’t know how you are
But I feel you cosmically
A white hot burning star
Somewhere in the avenues
Or in the everglades
I don’t mean to be funny
But where’d you get your shades
Coz you’re looking mighty fine
With your cool as hell stare
And I can’t apologize
For what just wasn’t there
Only promise you that I
Love with the full of my soul
And when the waves cascade
It’s then I hear them roll
Calling out your name
Like an old riverbend
Was I wrong or right
For ever having clicked send
And I just can’t bring myself
To take back the day
When the moment faced my soul
And I said okay
Give in to all the longing
All the heated prose
If you’re looking for some words
Do you know just who you chose
Someone who could compose
Sonnets of your name
And if you’re wondering if I’ve changed
Well I’m still the same
Still am party to
A little bit of wine
And everytime I’m asked
I’ll say that I am fine
Coz I don’t want to torch
This wooden fence I’ve grown
From the rubble of the woods
That once were seeds I’d sown
Now they’re all a garden gate
And the forest that you see
Is uncharted and unknown
A pure mystery
So please do not go rambling
If you do not mean to stay
I’m made for forever
I’m just built that way
And can never give in
To the stride of the day
Don’t worry ‘bout the love
It’s just the modern way
And I’m ancient and I’m grieving
And I’m all over the place
But I am strong and I’m willful
You don’t have to second guess my face
In the brooks and in the rivers
That are running wild
And there are some parts of me
That are still a child
Innocent and foolhardy
And so like a stone
Except for quiet company
I live my life alone
Far away from the auspices
Of who you’d think to ask
When I take a sip
I drink it from a flask
And keep up with all the weather
As it’s changing every hour
I’m always sitting waiting
For that one thousand petalled flower
In the deep of time and weight
Slowly to succumb
I look at all the rocks
Amid the diamonds I’ve become
And wonder what a season
Would take in these parts
I never knew it till I answered
With the full of my heart

The Regressive Movement

Are we on the brink
Of a regressive movement
Where the skies go black
And we lose it
All to a dream
Of forever
Can we keep rowing
A hopeful endeavor
Down the river to the sea
And I’m just checking
Does He mean me?
When He says girl
Go do my will
I gotta shape up until
Destiny takes me by the hand
Says, love, it’s gonna be grand
But all I can see are these castles made of sand
And people crying out for a superman
Are we really going back
To a dark age
I spill my heart in
Ink upon the page
Say show me a way
United not divide
Where everyone has their say
And we value what’s alive
And for all the forecasts
The doommongering prophecy
I am still absorbed
By this light inside of me
That never dims, it only grows
With the heat of love it glows
Into a warm embrace
And He’s in every face
Like He lifted up His arm
And the sea was calm
So do I need to be frightened
Over the enlightened
Am I just Peter holding on to You In case he sinks
Is that my relationship to You
It could be methinks
But how do I just trust
In the words that You say
That you are with me Now
Always and everyday



Photo by Anastasia Taioglou on Unsplash.com

Days With Darragh

There were days with Darragh
When my point of view was decidedly narrow
He saw me like a girl, I saw him like a friend
It has been years though and it doesn’t end
As I still reflect on his heartbeat
When we danced with both our feet
And shine with all our might
I can’t ignore your candlelight
And your fire that just burn
It’s more than degrees we earn
As we spend time into each other’s company
And I’m always thinking, what does he want of me
But he just smiles and looks in my eyes
I let go camouflage I keep to disguise
The darkness in the heart of my soul
But he just surfs the waves that I roll
And then laughs when he sees my car
Buys me a drink at the bar
And makes me smile, makes me laugh
And he does it all without me needing to ask
And I wonder does his fire sign match mine
As we dance to the rhythm of the rhyme
And he’s red as a burning flame
I’m surprised he even remembers my name
But his is etched upon my skin
I loved him so I let him in
Let him see the hesitate
And he just pulls me out of that state
And never ever makes me wait
But breaks apart into something new
I don’t know if you know who you are, do you?


Photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash.com

The Dark

"Don't touch it"
Everyone seems to say
But I love the dark 
It is deep and endlessly long
It is peaceful and pure
In its nothingness

Combustion

I have a propensity to fall for dark eyed men
The kind you love then never see again
Don’t know what it is about their twisted souls
But there’s a depth I can’t plumb and I am sold
As you watch the light dawn in someone’s else’s eyes
Their sensitivity cracks and to your surprise
They break wide open into your hands
And look at you as though no one understands
As if you’ve been admitted to their confidence strange
But you’re at the mercy of what will change
As the sands shift the ground under your feet
It was only that one time that we got to meet
And though they throw reputations like yours to the dirt
They can’t make me regret the way that it hurt
The perfect pain to stand on your stage
Realising I’m a scene on the previous page
And I’m left in the wings just to look on
At what never was mine and now is long gone
To think I could hold your soul in my palm
The silence belying a deadly calm
Like standing in the eye of a hurricane
Two seconds later it’s ripped apart again
But though you protest to innocent degrees
About what you meant, I do not believe
Though you may try to conquer the sea
Doesn’t mean you can escape what you are to me
As oceans swell and fall back with the tide
I signed up for it all so I’m down for the ride
And if it may happen the moment perchance
I’ll just be the post script you tried to romance
And emotionally abuse what you have found
I have to admit I love when you’re around
Because for all the lies you conceal with a stare
You cannot hide what I know is there
And hidden beneath each surface I touch
Is someone within and I love you so much
Though they may call it codependency
They never saw horizons like you and me
And clipped are their wings as they settle for less
Than the subtle perfection in my distress
So don’t regret what you cannot achieve
I am forever bound to the darkness you weave
And what is real will stand monumental
You’re not a bad guy just cause you are gentle
And let your voice drop so soft and low
I only hate what I don’t want to go
Cause you can’t abstain from all you desire
I never want to be the one to put out your fire
Ephemerality and the lack of constraint
Are all a part of the picture you paint
And I guess I just wished I could be the one
To unlock the chains so you’d come undone
And relish the life that makes you what you are
But I am only light fusion bound within a star
An effortless firefly in the cosmos complete
I was born to be gracious in defeat
And find the source of the unquenchable longing
The home to fulfil my sense of belonging
The ache that never seems to go out
But you soothe it so easily with your mouth
And the words that spill from your lips
Dash on the rocks as my mask slips
Into trust and vulnerability
As you perceive strength in my fragility
And though there is substance in all you portray
They just write you off as consuming your prey
But I could never object to being such quarry
Or bend the knee to say that I am sorry
Though you steal from me all I ever had
The reality of you could never be bad
Never knew what it meant til I got you alone
You are the crack in my heart of stone
A weakness no one can repair
The mark you left will always be there
And they say don’t suffer just as evidence
But I’ve always lived this way because I can’t condense
My feelings into a digestible form
I may be an ice princess but my blood is warm
A reminder of what is eternally true
In the cynicism we’ve grown through
And that somewhere, somehow a celestial being
Once gave me the gift of what he was seeing
To be revolved in perceptual bliss
I only grieve the things that I miss
And even loss can be profound
When you listen to the open sound
And realise in space and time
You can’t always make matter of what is divine
And claimed by death must always be
The starcrossed lovers of destiny

The Monumental Fire

I guess I just got caught in a monumental fire
One that burns me up and never seems to tire
Of eroding me right down to my core
I look to you for help and you tell me I need more
And I guess that you were scared of what I had to offer
Cause it threatened all you had and you needed something softer
But sorry I am made of magnetic steel
And there is no tempering how I feel
Like an ocean, like the sea, like an iceberg standing lone
I always seem to be missing my quintessential home
And I just thought you had it cause when I fell into your arms
You quieted my thoughts and silenced my alarms
And I felt a strange sort of peace descend on my soul
Like I had found the one thing I depend on to be whole
And how you matched my heart with your delicately so
I would have given all I had if you didn’t have to go
And leave me to depart on some far flung trek
I would have walked out on a wire and risked my neck
But to hear you deny me like I never even existed
Took more strength than I owned to have resisted
Crying out for the other half of who I am
And praying that you would understand
But your gaze turned icy cold
And I could see my entitlement in the way I started to fold
And break like that and come apart at the seams
I had always believed in the reality of dreams
And that what was foretold would come to pass
And that one time only love could do nothing but last
But the chains encroached and wrapped around like vines
And I couldn’t speak when you declared you were not mine
But belonged to another and were bonded at the core
When you know it is impossible you only want it more
But I let the full weight of it break my wooden frame
As I conceded to myself I was in love with a name
That stood for a symbol that I was longing to be
What I loved about you is you accepted me
With no conditions and no rules, no, just as I am
So when I shattered the stone I thought you would understand
But it seems there’s only so much you can take
And I will never speak to you again for your own sake
So go live your own life full of happiness and wonder
And I’ll remember how you moved my earth with your rolling thunder
How you cascaded rain down the panes of my vision
And how you hit me in the heart ruthlessly and with precision
And how you struck me on the spot and made me to be
The living embodiment of my own destiny