Tag: consciousness

Stairwell

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All my life I've been standing on the stairs
No putting on graces, I'm not putting on airs
I'm not trying to be better than I've become
I'm just opening up and letting the One
Move through me like a river to sea
I don't know where I'm going or what I'll be
All I know is I feel the pull
And the longing start to dull
As it unfolds unto a new expanse
I watch the whole world start to dance
To the music of a perfect refrain
It's being lifted out of the pain
It is being called at the edge of the circle
On the rock we call Earth as it begins to hurtle
Through the density of time-space
And you can see through the dreams that you chase
As you find yourself back in the same old place
Believe and relive the burden you face

Love

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I love so much
I feel I will burst
This feeling courses
Through the very worst

Through all of the liking
And ticking the box
I find I am open
Without any locks

And it just moves its own way
In a flow, in a beat
And I find I am standing 
On my own two feet

As I build on foundations
Solid as a rock
Am I okay? 
Well, is the sun hot

Just like my heart
In rhythms it's own 
I may not be adult
But I am grown

Interdependency

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I'm building a home
Out of all that I've seen
And there are ways
To wake from the dream 

To give up the long fight
With yourself and the sky
We move and we walk
But we never know why

And life, it is changing
But it's always the same
You were born on this Earth
Without a name

To grow and to learn
To thrive and to be
Always yourself
Quintessentially free

Built on Love

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Comparison and judgement 
Destroy the soul 
They make you 
Prematurely old
They only serve
To dim your light
Just surrender
Give up the fight
And come back
To a place called home
Know that you
Are never alone
But always supported
From the ground up
The Universe 
Is built on love

Impact

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What is the impact
Of my unemployment
Could I more than say
I don't know where the ploy went
Coz I've up and grown
And true colours have shown
But I still say
I don't know where I'm going
Does a river when it's moving 
Imagine the sea
It's like a premature 
Deciding who to be
As an oak grows upwards
From a single seed
And there are things
That we all need
From the sky to the sun
To the rain in the clouds
How many human beings
Can say that they're proud
Of the life that they're living
Of who they are 
The atoms inside us 
Were forged within a star
So know this once
And know it forever
You are the beauty
The cosmos will treasure
Every day of your life
In the depths of your soul 
Don't stop at okay
Go ahead and be whole

Cacophonous

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The cacophony resounds in my bedroom

It plays to the sound of doom

And I try to run but I can’t get up from the bed

Til I peel myself away from it instead

As the many fangled locket dangles from the sky

Painting a different view, I don’t know why

As I try to overcome my flaws

I be the heat til the icicles thaws

But I’ve been so long in this state

I’m not sure that it would be great

To leave it all behind

The maya mind

And all it bequeaths

But I hear the call to kneel at the Guru’s feet

And you could call it many things

You could call it inside

It knows my name

And I’m terrified

To be the one to take the step

I don’t think I’m ready yet

But I’m pulled like a thread

Through the needle eye

I gave it up

And I don’t know why

Photo by Patrick Carr on Unsplash

Passing Through

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We’re only passing through

We’re a whisper on a page

We are the bodies that we grow

And then again to age

We’re the midnight in the summer

When the moon is shining high

We’re the truth between the lines

On the paper where we lie

We’re the justice and the mercy

The all bequeathing love

We’re the hand that writes the heavens

In stars far above

We’re the darkness and the light

The fire we ignite

But among the chaos

I know we will be alright

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

This Winter

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The feeling of panic

Knarls in my stomach

Maybe this is too much to be

Maybe there’s so much yet to see

But the aching roars

And the spirit soars

To become an avalanche

Of my own making

And I count every one

Of the breaths I’m taking

In case I misplace one

Amidst the snow

The winter has gone on

For so long, you know

The Winter

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The winter, it weathers

The brush and the grass

And I wonder about

That which will ever last

And you could call it God

You could call it Christ

It transcends death

It is Eternal Life

It goes beyond time

It goes beyond space

It is the Peace

That will never cease

It is the Love

To always abide

It is the Freedom

You don’t have to hide

Don’t have to cover

With shields and holds

It is the Wisdom

Inside our souls

It is the breath

It is the breathing

It is with me

And it isn’t leaving

Photo by Katarzyna Kos on Unsplash

Vibrantly Alive

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Peace is alive

It’s vibrating sound

It’s in the room

And it’s all around

It is the space

Within the form

It is the heat

That keeps us warm

That keeps us safe

Held in its hands

The permanent

Among the sands

Of time

That just change and wave

It is the Lord

And He will save

All of us

Come what may

There’s nothing that

You have to say

Photo by sunnie on Unsplash

The Calling

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The Lord, He calls me

Into who I’m meant to be

Onto the road I’m meant to walk

I don’t want this to be all talk

But the evidence of Truth

To be alive, to be the proof

Of the goodness that knows no bounds

The silence within all the sounds

The love that is all abiding

It’s time to come out of hiding

Photo by Benita Anand on Unsplash

Grace

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The Lord knows how to walk my shoes

And I know how to pay my dues

As he directs my glance

There’s no need for a second chance

As he makes my spirit dance

And a new way

To make headway against the tide

A way to live my life alive

A way to communicate to all Beings

The power of our shared seeings

The power of Grace to renew

And it is living in you

Awakening

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The light it struck me in the dark

And I had to give up playing the part

Of the hard done by fool

It happened one day in school

Where the Divine called my name

Pulled me away from all blame

Unto a new dawn

And all the pain was gone

All the suffering that could ever be

Is just an illusion that you seem to see

But we are free as a bird

From the story we never heard

The Love of Letting Go

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If you love something, you let it go

That’s what I’m doing here, you know

As I let go of my grip on the infinite

I think I just might be alright

And concede to life that death is king

He will take everything

Every stone and every blade of grass

And doesn’t ever think to ask

But there’s something even time can’t steal

It’s in the domain of the real

It’s pure and it’s refined

And far beyond the old mind

That would tell you this is that

And have you running like an alley cat

Up walls and over bins

Years lost in the din

Yet something finds me in the Now

I don’t know quite how

But it pulls me up by my boots

And still I grow deeper roots

To fulfill my nourishment

I need no encouragement

To be the light that I am

I move in waves without a plan

Image Credit: eberhard grossgasteiger at Unsplash.com

The Bright Lights

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The lights shone from the sky

Bright and in awe and I don’t know why

As the days rolled into weeks

And the weeks into years

And I get by on just hiding my tears

And the best part of me

Doesn’t say a thing

She is just ancient 

And a bird on the wing

And if she could

Then she would sing

I loved and so 

I gave up everything 

Image Credit: Elen Laureano

Translation

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I write about no one
And nothing agrees
I am split level
I've got my degrees
And if you ask a question
Who is to answer 
Love is the way
And life is the dancer
To a new song
To a new word
And it's like the best
Sound you've ever heard
But this poem's just a tribute
It's not the real thing 
You know it when
You give up on this fling
That you've been caught in
That you've been living
And God is peaceful 
He is forgiving
So don't walk away
From all you own
Just listen to your heart 
As true colours are shown
As light and love
Break through and bask 
All you ever have to do
Is ask

The Wisdom of Non-Attachment

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Do I have to let it all go
Everything, everyone
To radiate the light
Of the Son
And I've always loved Jesus
He is my defender
He's been there since
Before I can remember
And he picked me up 
When the going got tough
Was the dry land
When the seas got rough
And I've changed so deeply
And in so many ways
But I'm still the same
Or so He says
And love is not antithetical 
To devotion
When it is ardent and true
And not all commotion
And he has placed a man
At the forefront of my gaze
That I can share life with
For the rest of my days
And do I refuse
Do I turn him down
This ocean is not
A place I want to drown

Inexplicable

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There's nothing I can say
That explains what I mean
The closest I can come to
Is that life's a dream

But that's even in the story
It's not waking up
I guess you could call it
A kind of love

But it's not static
It's dynamic and moving
Like clouds on the run
That needs no improving

And I want to say
That you should trust yourself
Don't be depending 
On anyone else

Not even on me
And the light I see
In the depths of my heart
Is where you'll always be

Not hidden away
But burning with fire
All heat from the furnace
That only gets higher

It Itself

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The one who’s troubled
And the one who sees
Share the same place
And so I grieve
For I am only
Occupancy
For all that I
Will never be
Til a different movement
Takes my hand
Collapse the ground
Upon which you stand
Collapse the mount
You made yourself
For it can’t be done
By anyone else

The Opposite

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Not my will
But thine own be done
The power of
The Holy One
The Power of
The Immortal Being
That’s looking through
These eyes as Seeing
That lifts my arm
So I can walk
That moves a body
So it can talk
That causes subtle
Fade aways
Like stars
At the end of days
That causes love
That points out hate
So everything is kept
In its place
That secret, hidden
Silence underneath
That’s walking as
My path to feet
That’s moving as
My blood to air
The peace that
Just isn’t there
The Nothing that
Can e’er be touched
And all that
I love so much
Is fueling a different
Roundabout
As it is pouring
Out my mouth
Back to home
Back to Now
I bring myself
To You and bow

Image: http://iamdarrynzewalk.com/kneel-pray-and-let-god/

Fallen Trees

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Lost to the ravages of time
Was the golden that used to be mine
That holy light
I’d touch the air and ignite
Now, no more
Every knock upon a closed door
But like she said
When different demons were in my head
Sometimes the way
Is made so you can’t even say
Yes to this or no to that
All you know is you can’t go back
In your dusty boots
Stumbling the rest of the route
Any water, please?
No, my dear, learn how to grieve
In the arid sun
I guess there’s still a Golden One

Image Credit: Huff Post, Becoming a desert girl

Consciousness

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The consciousness contracts
Into a denser state
I was the world
Now I’m just a place
But no matter what
They say or do
There is something they
Can’t take from you
Something they can’t
Lay hands upon
Something you gave
So now its gone
Something you love
That will always be
Within, without
Eternally

Image Credit: https://8tracks.com/chimericalist/cosmic-love-a-space-fanmix

White Fire Love

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I saw the White Light
I saw Supreme
In an instant I
Woke from the dream
But upon rising
I found myself
In the same damn place
As everyone else
And yet I split the sun
It shone from the cracks
The glass had shattered
And now I can’t go back
But falling to thieves
I stumbled forth
And they stole from me
With no remorse
I offered hands
I offered bread
They took all
And left me for dead
Now here in the gutter
I stare at the sky
With a star sparkling
In my eye

Image Credit: Florence + the Machine

B5

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Through the eye of deficiency
Through the needle of storm
I find the place
Where the heat is still warm
Where courage abides
And beauty abounds
Where silence is heard
In the absence of sound

The Christ

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https://open.spotify.com/track/5i2JGF65pHKSfMEjSMrBC3?si=5zbZax1WRja5ZgId1BxKEw

My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need

Matter and Form

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I move with the sea
In tides I roll
Everybody compresses
Their immortal soul
Down into matter
Down into form
Down into just
Keeping the bed warm
And I don’t have the answer
Don’t know the explain
Why the wind comes in sheets
And the air blows in rain
But I know this much
Though I don’t as much say
That life comes in waves
To keep things at bay

Image Credit: Elentori on DeviantArt

The Mindful Solution

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So, for quite a while now, I have hated the term mental health. I’m not sure if I ever liked it or appreciated its value, as I always see it bandied about as a label to slap on people with difficulties. Oftentimes the people who are apparently “disapprovalwell” are also profoundly dysfunctional. So for this reason, I prefer the term mindful. I prefer the understanding that I am taking care of my mind and that sometimes that is a messy process, that there have been years of bad and foolish behaviour to look at and understand and make sense of. There is also so much emotional pollution on the planet and I feel that sensitive individuals are the ones who bear the brunt in its transformation.

So, to backtrack, when I was fourteen I experienced what could be termed the dark night of the soul, in spiritual circles. Having done extensive reading in years since it seems to be a relatively common phenomenon among the spiritually minded. It is the complete absence of meaning and the arising of profound darkness that happens when you truly allow the world to be plunged into reality. In reading some of the writings of Mother Teresa, it is clear she also experienced this. She wrote of the feeling of absence, as though God had left her, yet she was powerfully impelled to continue the work she was doing as if some unseen force was moving her. She concluded that God had forced her into this state as some sort of a test and she prayed for the day the light would come again. Also, in reading the work of Adyashanti, he talks about a spiritual winter, where all your leaves are stripped bare, leaving only the starkness of your bare branches behind. This description certainly resonates with me. However, as someone growing up in the mid 00’s in rural Ireland, these were not concepts or terms I was familiar with. The only description that seemed analogous was the one of depression, which was spoken about in hushed terms and with a sense of reproof. God, that couldn’t be me. I have written the word in my diary around that time but I remember studiously avoiding it whenever I would see it written, in a newspaper, a class project or a musician talking about his experience. I couldn’t come face to face with the idea for a long time because it horrified me.

And yet the most horrifying part was that I loved, loved, loved the way it felt. It was dark and dismal and utterly profound, like an infinity of time and space in every direction and I felt imbued with great power. I remember a photograph I took shortly after my fifteenth birthday. It was the sky over my house, it was dark and thunderous looking. I remember being in awe when I looked at the image because I saw my own self reflected and the experience was one of incredible depth and devastation. And I found it wondrous. I watched as my old identity was crumbled away and I willed on every step, even as my family wondered what in the hell had happened to their once happy go lucky child. I, however, couldn’t have been more at peace. I recognised this crumbling as the crumbling of illusion, the death of a dream, the pulling apart of the veil of life, so that a greater understanding of life could emerge. Sometimes when I look into someone’s eyes I can tell they are experiencing a similar phenomenon, only to them, it may not be so wondrous but rather a threatening experience that may take all they have, even their life.

And the truth is the price is your life. You cannot truly live until you have relinquished your life. You cannot truly be free until you are willing to die for that freedom. “Come death and welcome, Juliet wills it so.”

So I opened arms to the great expanse and gave what it asked of me and the rest has been left behind, as shattered glass that melts back into the fire that made it. But for anyone still struggling with this all I can say is to trust yourself, trust in that inner voice that speaks when all else goes quiet, or that is still when everything else is screaming loud. Trust it and trust yourself, because I do. x

*** Also a note to anyone reading this::: Do not be afraid to reach out to a trusted individual, an anonymous helpline or someone who is experienced in dealing with the emotional impact of depression if you feel you need to. Despite my disavowal of the term mental health, in the absence of anyone to guide me in a spiritual sense, I took a lot of strength and comfort from people who engaged with me on this level. There came a time for me to let go of it but the value of having someone to talk to cannot be underestimated.

If this is not your thing then I feel that writing down your experience helps to externalise the feelings. Note: the feelings. Feelings are not personal, they are visitors, they come to go, if you are able to meet them. They are like children and once you turn your focus on them they stop crying. The power of your attention is atomic.  I feel that the teacher Byron Katie speaks very powerfully on this and a quick YouTube or Google will give you hours of her to listen to on loop. I love the woman. But again, don’t be afraid to seek out support when needed. This is just my take. You be the guide of your own life and build back up a world that is worthy of you. xxx All of my love, Laura. xxx

dark dark blue cloud

Mindfully

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how-to-meditate-jack-canfield

All I want is a little space to be me
Space to breathe with dignity
And not have to explain
Why I stand for hours under the rain
Because I love the sky in purpled hues
As much as you love deeper blues
And you tell me I must move to the beat
But I love the stillness in my defeat
And sigh
I am not tormented by goodbye
But recognise
All that lives surely dies
As a sunrise must set
I must be born into the jet
Black of another night
Before the orb will reignite
And all I ask is space to contemplate
Without being hushed out of that state
And told and told again and again
Please go back to remember when
When you were bustling and unique
But I was crying beneath the sheets
Because I could never measure up
To the standard of love
And when I let it go
I didn’t change, I just came to know
That I as I am is more than enough
I hope you can recognise me, dove

Man in Black

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Depression takes everything you have, it’s a lot like death
And when it hits you you do not forget
Are forever changed, forever moved
And, dare I may say it, greatly improved
So can I be a spokesperson for the darkness within
It’s not all bad though I didn’t tell him
And I am sunlit because I know
night
Even more so than that, I know something is right
Cause they are both just opposing sides of a coin
Lesser and greater eventually join
Into one river that leads to the sea
I am so proud of who I’ve come to be
I feel mountainous when speaking to you
When you try to help me to talk it through
I just smile at your innocentness
To think you could undo the cause of my distress
Like you could unmake the blue of the sky
Like you could raise eyes and make them un-die
But what is seen can never be taken back
So for now, I’ll be the man in black
Til all of the colours bleed into the sink
I will be the absence that makes you think
And skip a beat when you see my peace
Fearless in the face of what will decease
Because this world is just building on snow
I am of another and that’s where I go
So don’t pity the rook that sits in the tree
Wild things have wings and know how to be free
Accepting their fate on the breeze as it comes
It called for me and I have succumbed
Don’t worry your mind into the grey
I was born to be this way
No, there’s nothing wrong as far as I can see
So thank you but I’ll pass on what you offer me
And you may never understand
But there’s a design consciousness has planned
I have grown to compassionately embrace
The canvas collection fear will deface
But love will multiply whatever you give her
You can’t blame the rocks for shaping the river

Vision

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I felt I was always waiting for my big break
And the world would discover me and you’d see your mistake
But it’s been over twenty years since I started writing songs
And novels in my bedroom willing them to play along
Cause I swore that I would captivate all of life from a stage
And I could mould a beginning from the ashes of my rage
And that band we never quite managed to get together
Before you left me on the sidelines for what you can’t remember
But I still swear I will make everybody so proud
And be the rebel who stands out from the crowd
The golden girl they always said would go far
But the darkness broke my spirit and you broke my heart
And I am just a shell of who I used to be
Or the ambition that I held and what was in store for me
Now it feels like I’m swimming underwater
And I have been reduced to just somebody’s daughter
Though I feel know musicians who have made it big
Or the idols of my writing and I visualise a gig
That brings us altogether and finally reveals
The depth inside of me that nobody steals
In passion and in presence to step inside my own
The fire and the promise I have always known
The inspiration deck from my observatory
I was not born to hide away so listen to me
And the aching wisdom that just came with this body
The omnipotent surrender, I’ll leave you thinking of me

The Dark

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"Don't touch it"
Everyone seems to say
But I love the dark 
It is deep and endlessly long
It is peaceful and pure
In its nothingness

INFJ Problems

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I’ve no faith in any government, the Irish least of all
I used to believe in their ideals but then they let me fall
And the harsh reality of truth came crashing in
That its all about the politics and not what is within
That the lines they draw are just electioneering
And when I put forth my case it’s not me that they’re hearing
And there may be a TD standing here or there
That goes out of their way to help because they care
But it is the small run and they bleed themselves dry
Serving constituents that never tell them why
It’s not really the people, it’s the institution you see
And I cannot find a policy that will speak for me
And Republican Fenianism burnt me with its fire
Seems freedom was something to which I could aspire
But all of those proposals don’t really fit reality
When I think of what 1921 has given me
And I would burn the British for their soul destroying crimes
To see their kingdom fall, I would die a thousand times
Yes, I would stand up against na Sasanaigh and compel their withdrawal
Under a spirit that is strong and eyes that have seen it all
But the rage, it does not quench the ache their absence left
And I can hate them all I want, it doesn’t erase what it meant
To be surrendered slowly into a free fall
And all the buildings have crumbled where I tried to build a wall
And my anguish at a border that is only in our minds
We are a human people and these are the ties that bind
And the lesson that I learned from an ancient long ago
Was that you can only act according to the consciousness you sow
As St. Peter took his blade to the High Priest’s servant’s ear
If you take part in the conflict, you are Satan too, my dear
And how even righteous anger with the noble cause
Of defending the innocent should give you pause
I must bear this in mind with my contemporaneous peers
Who are glass bottling away somebody else’s years
And death is on horizons not too far away
For all the love I bore this place I realise I cannot stay
A prisoner of the land, worshipping its monument
The country has moved on but I don’t know where it went
And my values and my loves are suddenly out of sync
With a society that wants to control the way you think
Maybe I just never saw it, as a child, growing up
I was unaffected by the waves above
As I settled in the deep with oceans to explore
But now I am complicit I can’t condone it any more
And be a citizen of a state I just don’t believe in
They are building bridges over bodies that I am grieving
And they all march to a beat of unaware homogeny
They fall into step with what they don’t even see
And they can’t debate the issues because to raise a doubt
Has hoards at the back of what you can’t live without
To be told who I am, verbatim as per dictum
Like I could rote learn away the tenant you’re evicting
And scribe all my directions to unholy line my course
I will leave your sacrosanct and go without remorse
For I am not a pigeon parrot – a trainable bird
Who will give up my wings to repeat what I have heard
And you cannot colonise the way of my inner being
Even if you bend the world to reflect what you are seeing
There is a silent space, a sanctum and refuge
Beyond all definitions and the wars that people lose
Somewhere interior we meet humanity
And the universe breathes air into who we’re meant to be
I will meet you in that quiet when the road may take you there
But for now I will leave it to the everywhere
And relinquish my hold on a world I tried to love
I guess I’m not made for what I’d been thinking of
So let the darkness pull the peace that’s calls inside
These are my true colours but they are not mine to hide
I was gifted an awareness defying universal law
Gravity is just a confluence of observed phenomena
And what holds you in its arms is not a factor of the stars
Or black hole oblivion playing out inside your heart
The impenetrable, inescapable one Truth
Is that you are here when the furniture has been removed
Before it exists and after it is gone
You are the I am to which I belong
In the midst of all the motion, the effortlessly still
You may not see it now but I promise that you will
As it is revealed the light of your own sky
I never knew life til I was willing to die
Driven to distraction by the hopelessness of hell
Now I am in awe that that was a gift as well
Leading me to the edge til there was no where left to go
I dropped all my resistance and the existence I’d come to know
Whereon a bird alighted in a laughing Buddha frame
He called me to awaken and I responded to my name
As some otherworldly force took on the bones that I was moving
I saw the struggle and the hardship of a point that needed proving
And I was liberated from the shackles I’d sat in
Never knew that the key was where I begin
Understanding absolutely that I’ve always been the same
The permanent, unmoving within which things can change
But not the leaves of winter or the tree that sheds its skin
The transcendent beyond the sleep I was dreaming
All I venerated, the illusion of my pain
But there’s no suffering to bear in the interior domain
And I’m so full of gratitude that I was crucified
To realise euphorically I am not what died
Giddy with the feeling as I realise it’s true
That if I am immortal then so are you
And there is no dimension you do not permeate
Beyond all expressions we are oneness without state
So brimming with the joy I just cannot keep in
I jump into the waters where you are swimming
Get caught up with the tide as my head is going under
The storm is raining down and you’re the gravitas of thunder
To forget all that I knew and go recklessly diving
That I’m just the vehicle something else is driving
Without reason, without meaning that I can comprehend
All I can do is acquiesce to the commands it sends
And forever pay tribute to the glory of your eyes
Heaven has a body and it is your size
I never knew a human could hold my hand home
Thank you for the benediction you gave to me alone
As grace flows out from who you are and I the beneficiary
You are the shrine that I worship contemplatively
Struck silent in your presence that is monumentally whole
I am the mirrored counterpart of someone else’s soul
Timelessly I am united here with you
Forever is the intensity of our sacred black and blue
And all the world is striving to achieve and retain
But you’re the man who can’t be moved in the place where I remain

The Glorious

.Reading time 1 minute.

I want to be inspiring
Or beautiful
Or both
I don’t want to write the night
Anymore

Though I have written it well
As well as can be written
When darkness is your subject matter
As it turns to a golden sheen
In the morning light

But there is another way
Another turn of phrase
That lifts you up
To higher consciousness it seems
And rewards are your delight

And the marks that have been made
Filter away,
Pourously, as though they were never there
To the pure calm space within
That always holds its peace

I don’t want to write the world in vain
I want to write the glorious
Of undying rain
As it pours heavy from the sky
On me

Lashings

.Reading time 5 minutes.

It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation 
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore

Some Kind Of Solitude

.Reading time 3 minutes.

The silence in between the sounds expels the disaster life has pending
And though there are new beginnings I always feel like something’s ending
Imperceptible and finite and not subject to reprieve
This is not a man made illness and not just something I believe
Because there is a conquerer beyond the you or I
And its only what’s born of flesh that ever has to die
But that substantial underneath that powers the whole
Is not just a clockwork rig but the essence of my soul
The permanent, the unchanging, the unfalteringly there
There is a silence deep within where you don’t have to care
And all the travails that I sustain and the storms that I fight through
Are nothing when it comes to the inevitability of You
As I see it in the stars, or the way the planets move
That we are part of a concoction I cannot disprove
And our very consciousness, the sight behind our eyes
Looks through the infintesimal as I say my last goodbyes
To the life that I have known and steady grown up in
But effortless the letting go of what I cannot win
And the crying in the night, the tears unto the dawn
I want to realise what’s there when I am gone
And please don’t misunderstand me, no towers to the spire
Its just to walk in my own shoes expands into something higher
As what’s divine manifests in perplexity on my face
I have to know the Truth, now that I’ve had a taste
And weed out all the roots, though there is really only one
What is there left to do when all your work is done
And you lay down all the arms to protect what you have not
It doesn’t seem like much to ask but it is a lot
As I pass through the eye of what I found in the haystack
That girl is long gone and she’s never coming back
As consciously I choose to just be laid down
Awarenessing the sincerity in which I will drown
An ever pliant material that you don’t have to break
Just lead me to the precipce so that I can wake
As I leap of faith back into my home
I realise the solitude of peacefully alone

Extraction

.Reading time 4 minutes.

Crafting wishes like dreams in an ancient pocketbook
You’re not sure where to go so you have to look
At the odes you wrote time and again
About reaching that place you can’t quite remember when
But flipping through notes will never reveal
The love adults cannot heal
As you realise in fields of wildflowers
That you have lost most of your powers
And weak is the energy that emenates
From what you used to dominate
As vibrancy hues give up their colour
For the revelation of something other
And you can’t pave the path with stones you can’t lift
And whatever you choose there’s something you missed
As the sharpness of truth bites with fangs
That you never carried out any of your plans
And the goodness you saw in yourself and others
Just further emphasises what you’ll never discover
That you cannot hold death in the palm of your hand
And cannot bring back the oceans they spanned
For for all your anger that prompts defiance
You cannot escape your inherent reliance
On the sun, the clouds, the air you breathe
Its only cause you have life you know how to bleed
And as it is taken by inches, degrees
You want something of substance to see where it leads
So independently consumed as you are
You cannot govern the flight of a falling star
As the laws of gravity pull to the earth
The force of your demands cause you to hurt
As solid resistance meets its counterpart
In the stubbornness of an open heart
And you swore you would rather burn all your days
Than act out the script of someone elses plays
But the grand design just laughs at attempts
And accentuates why you are exempt
From finding a solution by holding on hands
That will momentarily be dust baked by the sands
But somewhere in all this cavalcade
I founder a speaker where my song played
And knotted the twines undone by the seal
Of an authority that doesn’t know how I feel
So captive bound and under duress
I realise the answer I can’t express
That the butchery of modern times
Doesn’t stand up to the light that shines
Unnamably from the source
Of the river that must run its course
And meet again in perfect flow
The end of what it doesn’t know
So plaited in between my lines
Is the home within that defines
Not the abode of mankind
But divinty I thought I’d left behind
And all my trips just emanated
From the desire to have that hunger sated
Calling for an unpayable price
To let go of all the work on site
While I am building castled skies
The liberation lets go and flies
As fluidity of a timeless era
The cobwebs only make it clearer
That I have never exercised my right
To the freedom of wordless goodbyes

Not All It Seems

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Silence hangs in the air like a stifling curse
As I pray to the gods that it not get any worse
Cause this world it is full of chancers and cheats
But you are the reason that my heart beats
And all of the machinations of a powerful system
Convinces us we’re just the world in which we’re existing
And people will pay to have you give up on them
And then say that you’ve counselled them to live again
All the while they balance on a precipice spire
And beg that it not extend any higher
While their shadows they fall like feet on the earth
And know if they go down then it’s sure gonna hurt
So you make do with the concoctions
You use as insurance in the allotments
That you have obtained to grow your own farm
You forget about freedom, it’ll just do you harm
And I watch as they all spin round like clockwork
To the beat of a rhythms that is stop jerk
And automatic pilot their whole lives
With a few intercepts from one who survives
Or the beauty of love as it strikes them home
And just for a minute their minds are blown
And stutter and stop for infinitesimal seconds
Before they’re again drawn back into a world that reckons
That what can’t be controlled is a danger to life
It’s no wonder they take time to look at me twice
As the spellbound is broken beneath my gaze
And I’m not like a mouse who is stuck in a maze
And the mystery pulls me back into the unknown
I wonder when they will see that the match was thrown
Not lost by degrees but by design
By the shape of a hand much higher than mine
So you look at me and find a label to use
But all definition just means that you lose
Your natural discernment to right the wrong
To have nothing at all is where I belong

The White Patterns On The Wall

.Reading time 1 minute.

Beautiful designs paint patterns on the wall
As the faded white lines are designed to enthral
And stun my eyes into a kind of subtraction
That robs me blind of the power of action
And as I stay rooted on the one spot
I think of all the things that I am not
And never could grow up to be
In the conscience of silence it was never me
As I lost my purpose and my will to believe
In anything more than what’s up your sleeve
As you wound me in spindles that went round the earth
I grew up to learn that love could never hurt
Just the jealousy that accompanies that kind of attraction
Could you call it anything more than the king of subtraction
That steals from you the sweetest of feelings
And pours regret into all of your dealings
And how did I come to be bowed down so low
When it was so clear that you’re where I’m to go
And just like a shepherd trying to keep still the night
I don’t know if I harbour the vestiges of fright
For ever having seen an angel celest
I cannot deny that you are the best

The Reminder

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

You look at me with that hypnotic stare
Is there a real person under there
And you poison the paradise that ventures my soul
Was it just a dream that I could be whole
When we are both halves of the same coin
Let man not part what God thought to join
And in the rivers of death and of misery
I want all the pain brought back to me
Because each slice is a reminder of us
And the bridge that we built in stone walls of trust
So turn to your new life if that’s what you deign
But just to let you know, my love will remain

Shoot

.Reading time 1 minute.

It’ll just cause a fight so I don’t bring you up
It’s ten times the trouble of a dropping well love
But the money I spend isn’t worth a damn
When I can’t proclaim that you are what I am
And I want to run to you and fall into your arms
Without setting off all these fire alarms
Cause I’m an inferno and I blaze on through
There’s no way I’ll be loving anyone but you
And if you doubt me then you can read my mind
To see all the people I left behind
Cause my heart could not settle on any less than the truth
I am the target so take aim and shoot
And if a bullet should spring forth from your soul
Then hit me hard and let the rest take its toll

I’ll Love You

.Reading time 1 minute.

And I will continue to love you
Through the walls of my reverie
I don’t think you have any idea
Of the world you mean to me
You are just like the sky
Or the ocean to spread out a sea
And that look in your eyes
Smacks of infinity
And I just do not care
Where you go in your life
With whom, what you do,
If you love, take a wife
I’ll always be here by the shore
And you the one I adore
It’s not even just who you are
How can the darkness know a star
We are one you see
Before there even was a sun to be
And you’ll outshine the ages with your eternal face
It’s not what can be seen but what’s under this place
And I’ll love you
Yes I’ll love you
Like I love you now
No distance and time
Separates what’s entwined
I’ll love you

Electra Heart

.Reading time 1 minute.

010959dddb71e5d9dfccc76c90f498b9

Living with my Electra heart
Can’t deny it’s tearing me apart
Til all that’s left is slivers shown
Surviving on what I have thrown

I am locked inside a cage
Makes the heart inside me rage
And thud and thud with all her might
We are getting out tonight

I have to leave me down to live
What it asks I have to give
It sacrifices all I have
But in the end I am glad

It lies me out to be impaled
I’m a train it has derailed
Left me spinning on my axis
But bears my burdens, pays my taxes

I do not know where this ends
But I am down for what it sends
Because I’m still a child inside
And vowed I’d live my life alive

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/312929874089150950/

At His Feet

.Reading time 1 minute.

I don’t want help, I just want to express
The feelings inside, my perennial distress
And I don’t want sad looks from any of you
Not doing this for pity, that’s not what I would do
It’s just that I’m proud of the strongest of me
That came from the darkness of what I came to be
And the night closed in on me with a march from the source
It was rough and unkind, the epitome of course
And I found silvered light or maybe you could say gold
And a kind of immortal that will never grow old
And it lit up my life and shone so very bright
That I knew in that moment that I would be alright
And I just want to share the vestiges of pain
And that there is sunlight under the rain
And that there is earth under pavements complete
That there is a God and I fall at his feet

Born and Raised

.Reading time 1 minute.

imageWhen words are just not enough to explain the hurt you feel
And you try to cope, as the saying goes, but you just cannot deal
When spider legs entwine and trap you in their cages
You spew it out on paper, on magnificent pages
Cause expression is the key to understand your mind
And when you have stopped the noise you can leave it all behind
Cause forever’s in a moment that never will defer
There will finally come a time
when you realise what it all was for
And the revolution will be complete as all the lies dawn Truth
It would be an understatement to say I had a tumultuous youth
But all the beauty and the conflagration is a white fire blaze
I guess that you could say I took all these years to raise

Photo Credit: The Work of Byron Katie – Facebook

Wonderment

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

61cfb50fac2c90725043dd5378250617Wonderment is the surprise
To be the deep inside your eyes
To be the bend at the edge of the river
To be the strength of a light giver
And somehow I just cannot escape
Superman with his red cape
As he goes flying into town
I listen for the empty sound
Of birds in trees at the end of days
I love you in so many ways
And it all comes to a close in the eclipse
You are the one I don’t have to miss

Photo Credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/206673070378676865/