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awareness

B5

Through the eye of deficiency
Through the needle of storm
I find the place
Where the heat is still warm
Where courage abides
And beauty abounds
Where silence is heard
In the absence of sound

The Christ

https://open.spotify.com/track/5i2JGF65pHKSfMEjSMrBC3?si=5zbZax1WRja5ZgId1BxKEw

My Lord and Saviour
The light Supreme
The cracking sound
That wakes the dream
And I have laboured
In darkness too
In shadows and
Miles away from you
But you always come
And take my hand
Tell me softly
You understand
That life is trials
Adversity
But when you look
There will I be
And I went to the city
Hungry with life
Ambitions were
Just out of sight
And I reached my hand
But I never could
Catch hold of something
I call good
Til I’m back on my knees
Pleading to the sky
I saw beautiful
Shine from his eye
I saw commonplace
I saw unique
Felt silence that
No sound could speak
And my devotion is the answer
The steady beating tide
The heart inside my soul
That keeps the love alive
And I didn’t find Jesus in the pews
Or in all of my good deeds
I found him in the rain
And it’s all I’ll ever need

Kissing the Sky

Funny feeling that though he may not want me I am still okay
And that I can survive on the love of every day
From the plants, from the trees and nonetheless from him
For though he may deny it I know it beats within
In blood and in veins that are solid gold
But so are mine I see, though I have not been told
To look and revolutionise the vision of my palms
I am the lake, the ocean and these are my calms
No enforced stability, no discipline held high
Just the truth of a being that knows something that can’t die
And sees it in the rushing movement of the leaves
All the world is heaven to one who needs nothing to believe
And smile to myself, in a secret, silver fold
I never knew the universe was there for me to hold
In its peril and its fantasy, it’s motion and the tide
I am the evidence of the thing you’ve never tried
So sincerely honest in the feelings that maintain
That there lies beneath a sunlight that will overcome the pain

The Glorious

I want to be inspiring
Or beautiful
Or both
I don’t want to write the night
Anymore

Though I have written it well
As well as can be written
When darkness is your subject matter
As it turns to a golden sheen
In the morning light

But there is another way
Another turn of phrase
That lifts you up
To higher consciousness it seems
And rewards are your delight

And the marks that have been made
Filter away,
Pourously, as though they were never there
To the pure calm space within
That always holds its peace

I don’t want to write the world in vain
I want to write the glorious
Of undying rain
As it pours heavy from the sky
On me

Fire Brand

The eve of things yet to come
I’ve broken what you have undone
And shattered glass falls to a shell
You can’t silence rote learning hell
That paves a life that’s just a clock
I didn’t mean to let you unblock
But somehow in the clouded din
You saw through to who I am within
And all the pins clasping me together
Won’t withstand what I remember
When you stood me toe to toe
And looked at what you want you to know
Though it was against my will
The moment held us both so still
And burst into an intimacy
Like there was only you and me
On this whole earth, in this domain
I thought I understood your pain
As you gazed an eternal surrender
I sent the love returned to sender
So it was a double entendre
Outside of our depth and genre
In a place that no one sees
I adore what you have freed

Lashings

It’s a peculiar kind of humiliation the way I’ve grown to feel
When you place your trust in someone and the way they cut the deal
And you can’t really blame them when they pull the rug away
Cause you never in your heart of hearts expected them to stay
And all your family converged on where the wound congeals
But though they profess their understanding, they can’t fathom how it feels
And should I lash out in anger and be certified insane
Or find another way that I can express my pain
As I writhe and I lose my wits end over you
They try to make me act the way I’m supposed to
As they hang my arms like puppeteers into a normal life
And I let them move my body under the vacant expression in your eyes
The complete renunciation of what you’d previously adored
Now I’m just the soundtrack someone else has scored
As the chains grow round me, like vines, I’m too weak to fight
And all that fueled me before, now I have no appetite
Cause it has lost its meaning without the love that you imbue
And what’s the point in dancing if I’m not doing it for you
Though you have got your lines that say I’m better off
In bitterness and agony I hold your memory aloft
And cave in on myself to the cracking of my ribs
Tell me I’ll find somebody who’ll be happy I am his
But I am not a man’s woman to marry and to own
I only fell for you because I was alone
In your presence and I found I didn’t have to be
An amelioration of myself or lose my liberty
And I guess I got confused and mistook what just confounded
One in an eternity the lightning bolt you grounded
But just because you had earthed me back into the source
Didn’t mean you really cared for what had taken me by force
As striking in your eyes when the connection hit
It was not in your stature a place you chose to sit
So you have me blinded, inconsequentially
And you must be reminded to extract yourself gingerly
Lest you push me over an edge I fell from long ago
You don’t have call in those who will try to soften the blow
And take me from that place as I am struggling to grasp
The meaning of a death I did not think would last
Now they tie me to a chair and chemically calm
My shaking and their supplements are suppressing the alarm
That is ringing in my head and trying to break through
The foggy overtures that are obscuring you
And my eyes they cannot see and all my speech is slurred
To think the time you spent with me was inhabited by her
And I know I should be happy but I find myself contained
Inside the strictures of a world that hasn’t changed
And all your magic prose and your incandescent stories
Are only symptomatic of how I revelled in your glories
And the ancient smorgasbord of different shades of black
Are not efforts of your urging but what is never coming back
And its institutional to be begging at their feet
But you are starving and they beat you til you give in to eat
Though it may be poison and lead to your demise
I guess I lost it all and my independence dies
As I lay down on the bed and concede to be operated on
Though they cannot fix what is already gone
Their sutures leave a scar and I will forever bear the mark
Of what it is to be consumed by the wolves out in the dark
But though they may undo me til I’m a shade of my old self
They cannot command the soul beyond their timing belt
And the pictures that they make of the architecture of my being
Are only surface breaking waves to signal what I’m freeing
And I know you want me complicit in my own subjugation
But I’m not what you can train into a pleasant conversation 
There is an ocean beneath that you have not explored
I’m not what you hypothesise standing on the shore

Guilt and Futility

I tried to find permanency in the things you approved of
Cause you always seemed like you were right
You walked with a kind of confidence
That had no doubt as to what you could fight
But I fell into the abyss
Waiting for you to care
And hopscotching myself along the lines
Of what I didn’t want to wear
And everwhere there seems to be
Instructions on how to live
But its like chasing down paper planes
Along rivers that don’t exist
And I seek one moment to turn forth
For the love I bear you in my chest
But each time I do I am crippled
Crossing lines that you destest
Whether I’m too near or too far
Its like a balancing act
And it doesn’t really serve a purpose
To swear by what you retract
And I could play these guessing games
For the milleniums before me
I know that it is selfishness
I just want you to adore me
And I’m not really seeing the practicalities
Of loving on request
I know I never measured up
When you put me to the test
So all that I can offer you
Is the silence that consumes
As I’m absorbed into the night
The darkness resumes
And you will always have the meaning
You inescapably are
But I am not just a sweeper
To kick when times get hard
And I know that there will be resolved
An answer to our souls
I just think I was mistaken
When I thought you made me whole
And our spirited undertones
Just patchworked the quilt
Something drove the blade in
And it broke off at the hilt
Now there is a forest wide
Of time and space and words
But every time I see your face
I forget what I have heard
And conjured up again
Is a memory infantile
When I looked for you to be just there
But you had run a mile
And the stabbing jealousy
Pierces deep into my side
As I look at the perfection
Of you without me in your life
As accolades and flowers
Flow freely into your hands
I wish that I could stop the wish
That you would understand
Me just as I am
And revel in my presence
But I stayed too long
Now the moon is just a crescent
Of the whole that it was
Signalling an eon of time
That moves the waves in rhythm
To the era you were mine
And these convoluted feelings
Are all about possession
I thought that I could do without
The wounds of my window dressing
As I come to the conclusion
That my heart is made of stone
And maybe I would be better off
If I just leave you alone
Like you’ve been begging me for centuries
Implicitly in your eyes
A monumental cacophony
The whole world denies
Though you always seem to find
Someone to match your heart
And I wonder why it was not I
Who could fulfil that part
So sadness will ensue
My subtle self exile
I guess that I will never be
The light behind your smile

Some Kind Of Solitude

The silence in between the sounds expels the disaster life has pending
And though there are new beginnings I always feel like something’s ending
Imperceptible and finite and not subject to reprieve
This is not a man made illness and not just something I believe
Because there is a conquerer beyond the you or I
And its only what’s born of flesh that ever has to die
But that substantial underneath that powers the whole
Is not just a clockwork rig but the essence of my soul
The permanent, the unchanging, the unfalteringly there
There is a silence deep within where you don’t have to care
And all the travails that I sustain and the storms that I fight through
Are nothing when it comes to the inevitability of You
As I see it in the stars, or the way the planets move
That we are part of a concoction I cannot disprove
And our very consciousness, the sight behind our eyes
Looks through the infintesimal as I say my last goodbyes
To the life that I have known and steady grown up in
But effortless the letting go of what I cannot win
And the crying in the night, the tears unto the dawn
I want to realise what’s there when I am gone
And please don’t misunderstand me, no towers to the spire
Its just to walk in my own shoes expands into something higher
As what’s divine manifests in perplexity on my face
I have to know the Truth, now that I’ve had a taste
And weed out all the roots, though there is really only one
What is there left to do when all your work is done
And you lay down all the arms to protect what you have not
It doesn’t seem like much to ask but it is a lot
As I pass through the eye of what I found in the haystack
That girl is long gone and she’s never coming back
As consciously I choose to just be laid down
Awarenessing the sincerity in which I will drown
An ever pliant material that you don’t have to break
Just lead me to the precipce so that I can wake
As I leap of faith back into my home
I realise the solitude of peacefully alone

Extraction

Crafting wishes like dreams in an ancient pocketbook
You’re not sure where to go so you have to look
At the odes you wrote time and again
About reaching that place you can’t quite remember when
But flipping through notes will never reveal
The love adults cannot heal
As you realise in fields of wildflowers
That you have lost most of your powers
And weak is the energy that emenates
From what you used to dominate
As vibrancy hues give up their colour
For the revelation of something other
And you can’t pave the path with stones you can’t lift
And whatever you choose there’s something you missed
As the sharpness of truth bites with fangs
That you never carried out any of your plans
And the goodness you saw in yourself and others
Just further emphasises what you’ll never discover
That you cannot hold death in the palm of your hand
And cannot bring back the oceans they spanned
For for all your anger that prompts defiance
You cannot escape your inherent reliance
On the sun, the clouds, the air you breathe
Its only cause you have life you know how to bleed
And as it is taken by inches, degrees
You want something of substance to see where it leads
So independently consumed as you are
You cannot govern the flight of a falling star
As the laws of gravity pull to the earth
The force of your demands cause you to hurt
As solid resistance meets its counterpart
In the stubbornness of an open heart
And you swore you would rather burn all your days
Than act out the script of someone elses plays
But the grand design just laughs at attempts
And accentuates why you are exempt
From finding a solution by holding on hands
That will momentarily be dust baked by the sands
But somewhere in all this cavalcade
I founder a speaker where my song played
And knotted the twines undone by the seal
Of an authority that doesn’t know how I feel
So captive bound and under duress
I realise the answer I can’t express
That the butchery of modern times
Doesn’t stand up to the light that shines
Unnamably from the source
Of the river that must run its course
And meet again in perfect flow
The end of what it doesn’t know
So plaited in between my lines
Is the home within that defines
Not the abode of mankind
But divinty I thought I’d left behind
And all my trips just emanated
From the desire to have that hunger sated
Calling for an unpayable price
To let go of all the work on site
While I am building castled skies
The liberation lets go and flies
As fluidity of a timeless era
The cobwebs only make it clearer
That I have never exercised my right
To the freedom of wordless goodbyes

Paper Planes

All of these words are just errant musings
The product of introspection and my perusings
And I wonder do they add to naught at all
Just the scribblings of a child in crayon on the wall
But it’s only when I write that I truly see
The breakdown of what is troubling me
And the way I can fix it or how it tapestries
Into the weave of earth’s cosmic mysteries
For there are some things for which no explaining
Could ever illuminate what you’re detaining
When reasons all fail you and you just cannot find
The evidence for your theory that the world is kind
But let it just blossom like the bloom of a bruise
As it spreads out in colours you use
And slowly heals up and returns to source
There are some things even man can’t divorce
Like his or her very own essence
The body is just the skin in which we are dressing
And never can amount to the sum total of us
There’s a power inside where I place my trust
So whether I be broken or raised up on high
I’m aware of that which can never die
And I have been both the bottom of the bowl
And the queen of plaudits but neither touch my soul
I just keep on keeping my cart in the race
And seeing the good in everyone’s face
And nobody worries about the self esteem of the bad
It seems like payback they lost all they had
As punishment reigns on their earthly domain
We say they deserve it when they feel pain
But what are we doing to our brothers and sisters
That we demean them as less in the things that we whisper
And spitefully reap what they could not sow
They’re dead in their eyes so I think I will go
But even if they’ve been bullet strung
They’re not the last step on the laddered rung
And all things of Earth will return to the Divine
It’s just we don’t see how the threads entwine
So forgive the mutineers for they know not what they do
In the words of Jesus and he’s talking to you
So as my broken pen fills out that lament
I send my love to you and that’s where it went

Not All It Seems

Silence hangs in the air like a stifling curse
As I pray to the gods that it not get any worse
Cause this world it is full of chancers and cheats
But you are the reason that my heart beats
And all of the machinations of a powerful system
Convinces us we’re just the world in which we’re existing
And people will pay to have you give up on them
And then say that you’ve counselled them to live again
All the while they balance on a precipice spire
And beg that it not extend any higher
While their shadows they fall like feet on the earth
And know if they go down then it’s sure gonna hurt
So you make do with the concoctions
You use as insurance in the allotments
That you have obtained to grow your own farm
You forget about freedom, it’ll just do you harm
And I watch as they all spin round like clockwork
To the beat of a rhythms that is stop jerk
And automatic pilot their whole lives
With a few intercepts from one who survives
Or the beauty of love as it strikes them home
And just for a minute their minds are blown
And stutter and stop for infinitesimal seconds
Before they’re again drawn back into a world that reckons
That what can’t be controlled is a danger to life
It’s no wonder they take time to look at me twice
As the spellbound is broken beneath my gaze
And I’m not like a mouse who is stuck in a maze
And the mystery pulls me back into the unknown
I wonder when they will see that the match was thrown
Not lost by degrees but by design
By the shape of a hand much higher than mine
So you look at me and find a label to use
But all definition just means that you lose
Your natural discernment to right the wrong
To have nothing at all is where I belong

The Reminder

You look at me with that hypnotic stare
Is there a real person under there
And you poison the paradise that ventures my soul
Was it just a dream that I could be whole
When we are both halves of the same coin
Let man not part what God thought to join
And in the rivers of death and of misery
I want all the pain brought back to me
Because each slice is a reminder of us
And the bridge that we built in stone walls of trust
So turn to your new life if that’s what you deign
But just to let you know, my love will remain

Daydreaming of You

If I could write you a poem what would I say
I love you forever like I love you today
And whatever water washes us down the line
I know in my heart we are for all time
You fill up my daydreams and I paint you unique
Releasing the things I’m longing to speak
You have a smile that crumples my soul
And a look in your eyes to show what you stole
We are so close though our bodies are far
We both share the moon and sit under a star
So when the wind rushes the hair off my face
I am wild horses and it’s you that I taste
But I come to you fragile and my head bowed low
Because you are more heaven than I know how to know
I look in your eyes and you see me right back
In know in this moment there’s nothing we lack

Born and Raised

imageWhen words are just not enough to explain the hurt you feel
And you try to cope, as the saying goes, but you just cannot deal
When spider legs entwine and trap you in their cages
You spew it out on paper, on magnificent pages
Cause expression is the key to understand your mind
And when you have stopped the noise you can leave it all behind
Cause forever’s in a moment that never will defer
There will finally come a time
when you realise what it all was for
And the revolution will be complete as all the lies dawn Truth
It would be an understatement to say I had a tumultuous youth
But all the beauty and the conflagration is a white fire blaze
I guess that you could say I took all these years to raise

Photo Credit: The Work of Byron Katie – Facebook

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