I bought up all the gold in the valley Hoping Midas might be my ally If he saw he didn’t have to work I know it’s got to hurt When everything you touch turns to dust Or into something you can’t trust And he just sauntered into the scene And saw me on some foreign beam Catching light and in the rays He found that it all decays And rots and fails But something in our wind sets sails And we laugh and avenue Down our red and blue And I stare into the sky The monuments in his eye As they look down at me But isn’t that history What are we now She rips into something and I allow Her to tear for once And realise that when people call us cunts They don’t know what they’re talking about And when you realise all the self doubt Falls away And there’s nothing she can say To take away the memory of knowing what you are And the inner star Speaks to me and asks me to be quiet And the riot Hits me like a loaded gun But once the shot has fired I realised there’s only one In the barrel and it’s not enough To kill the space that holds our love So I retreat to some far defender So I can hold what I remember In my heart close to my breast Like Mother Mary passing the test When she acquiesced To what wanted to be born And when the veil of the temple was torn In three days God raised him high And showed us that man cannot die When the will is one And though it may have been done It was not over I know because he chose her To be spared And the eyes all glared As I carried my books Trying to keep my eyes from their looks And they’ll never know how near their spear Came to making everything crystal clear In an ancient part of me But their bribery Could never sell my soul Because something about the way the waves roll Crashed the silicon And for a moment the pain was gone And the girl woke up in the dark It was nothing but it was a start And as she swam upward toward the light I knew that I would be alright
The creeping seize Would have you believe Everything they believe Just so you could be on their sleeve Reprimanded with a slap Because it’s wrong I don’t have a map And I know I should be grateful to them And hope that they would do it again If I was in such a bind And act like I do not mind They tied me to a tree and whipped my back And told me that my love is lack And I wonder if this is what Jesus felt, betrayed Lost in the silence and dismayed Well, at least he had God I had peacekeepers with a rod Intent on killing the good in me With their idea of how it should be And it’s all matrimony And houses and babies I’m looking at the dogs and they’ve got rabies And there is mould on the ceiling There is death and there is reeling And there is a silent bargain you can’t break Or some kind of demon wake And eats what remains of me As I scream infinity Into its smokey breath But it only seems to whet It’s appetite And it would love to have me tonight In any sort of way I can see what you do not say And it’s not welcome here So just leave me be, my dear
The gun she holds to my temple As I go semi mental All over the floor And rage against a closed door Because I know how it feels And we’re just watching film reels Trying to find the cacophony And I’m tired of writing what they “did” to me Because half of it was my own fault And sometimes the best things are locked inside a vault Like some kind of treasure trove They let me out of St. Pat’s to put turf in the stove To heat up the furnace Because the world is cold but too much and you will burn it It’s gotta be just so A balance only a few people know Like some kind of giant Tao The weight of worlds that I allow And they grabbed my arms and walked me to the bed When I could sense the demons in the men’s shed I knew something was wrong And someday soon I would have to belong Somewhere serene And if this is a dream Then why are we crying Is it because people are dying And we think it’s real Time and God have things to steal Away from you and I So I let everyone hear my cry And I do not edit and I do not filter It was the trauma that built her
There is a heaven that is undersung And when you’re starting you’re always on the bottom rung Looking up into the sky And people act like they’re never going to die Spending cash and polluting Never really knowing who they’re shooting When they fire the gun And if we are all one Then why does the mist fall on the hardest head To wake us when we’re lying in bed And they had me tied up in chains Straitjacket arms for my pains And tear stains And I wonder is it taboo to write About days when the going was shite As I sat in the horrors in the bay In Dean Swift hoping something would take me away And a foreign shore might beckon But only something which which I had to reckon As I seek to avoid Sit in the “activity room” with the boys And I brought in my guitar Because I wanted them to know what you are But no one seems to realise Their life is flashing before their eyes And I say nothing is real So they hand me something to quench what I feel And I can’t cut that deal But with repetition they wear me down And the doctors don’t wear a gown Or shirts and ties Jackets to go with the goodbyes Only the young ones are in scrubs The pretty ones and I fell in love Silently then in the noise The summer I lost one of the boys
There were years when Paddy Power Looked like a tower That reigned over me Because I would just have to agree With what he would say And pretend that it’s okay To just take the meds And occupy one of his beds In a locked ward Paid for, my room and board And I told him I was fine But he must have thought I was lying Or just crazy, delusional And I just want to prove it all To the mouth that ate my dinner And told me that every sinner Is a measure of what they cannot contain And he drew beaches full of rain Filled with all manner of ghouls And some of the rooms smelled like old primary schools You know the ones with the plastic floors And the heavy doors And the scent of freedom lost Because you must pay the cost Of the society you entertain And I railed against them in vain Because they have the upper hand And while I lie on the sand I must concede the grains Are as innumerable as the tear stains Of the tired and weary And every declaration is something that sears me Like a demon to touch my skin But the biggest tormentor was him In his grey suit And words that pollute The sky I have come to know With clouds so heavy they must be full of snow But I just let it go And become something they don’t know In their clipboard and pen constellation I don’t know what they mean by incarceration Because my soul is free And even though they trap me There is that beyond the garden If I’m the president can I pardon All the souls who can’t lift their eyes And for everyone who dies I will be a beacon of light So that you know the sight Of the sun in the glen The prayer does not end in amen But continues to bequeath It’s messages to those on the street That they are not worthless and empty And I was four and twenty In the young adult programme The people say I hi but I do not know them I am focussed on a different terrain A landscape beyond the name They give to what afflicts me But freedom is my pen and it sticks me To the ground I know Beneath these words is an eternal letting go
If I had another chance at you would I take it Because I know you wanted to date it And I held back because of the boy so blue But since then he has told me that you May be the right one for me Because he has found someone else to free And I wonder if you’re married by now You must be thirty five like D’Arcy somehow And God knows you are just as deep And still something that I keep In my secret heart Did you know how the butterflies dart Around my stomach when we would meet And I feel us in the heat Of a tryst in our mind Up against each other to see what we would find In our two makes one As hot as the flaming sun And you are red in my thoughts Because I know you can’t be bought Not by anyone, not by any money And I still love you, honey Because there’s something so tender and true And it is the best thing about you And I can’t believe it’s been thirteen years since we talked Thirteen years since we walked Back into Glenomena And I think I might have seen ya Somewhere amongst the mess Before I was “in distress” Before I made you guess What I was thinking And you were better than the drinking That we did together You are like summer weather At the ball When you put your arm around me and it all Just falls away into the grass I think I found something that will last Though it is not the bleak surrender Into that which I can’t bear to remember But it’s all happening now And we’re still connected somehow
Am I condemned to the perpetual misunderstand There’s something about her phrase that seems so underhand And yet in demand I crave then I crawl I hold back, then I call Because I can’t keep the typewriter from doing its shit And I’m just a leaf that she’s folding her paper with And it’s not like I’m mad with her or hateful And I know I should be so damn grateful I get to know her at all But it’s just that wall She takes it down, then fires it up And I wonder if we have fallen out of love Into a deep blue sky And all my asking why Meets the same response A thousand different ways in handwritten fonts But the answer doesn’t change I make the stars rearrange Then get bullied and bruised Feel malfeased and inappropriately used By the powers that be And the status they think they give to me And all of my aching since 2005 And wondering if she even knows I’m alive Anymore I go knock on her door And I hear the rap echo What did I wreck though With my brilliant sun And the knowing that I am the one The fire, the phoenix, the passionate Aries Away with the birds and down with the fairies I listen for any pouring of water That may come from the halls of the daughter I used to be But now I see I have outgrown that frame Like I have burst through my name Into something new And it was always you I would go to At the first sign of sea Now it’s just the ocean witnessing me As you avert your gaze And the cities you raze And don’t even notice Who said that we have to make up quotas Just to get elected But Jesus resurrected Spells a new storm And if you think you’re hot, you’re not even warm In the midnight blues And all of you that can’t pay its dues In form The day I was born Something spoke to me And it said; this is the way it’s going to be So I cried And at fourteen I died Like I had in a previous life One where I broke down and agreed to be a wife But enough of that now, I’m bullet and silver And I’ve enough in my quill to write syllable of her Though she may see The descent of grey mystery On the plurality Of the expanse we are How did that star Ever come to be The landscape that we both seem to see
I fled the city As they tried to shower me in pity And I fought with tooth and bone So that I could be alone With myself on the verge Of something I don’t have the nerve To do But you Always effervescent in your incandescence Inspire reverence And all their lies Their ties and futile tries Can’t bind this spirit of mine As it refuses to do hard time In the spring of seasons And everyone has their reasons But you are mine And I am fine Now that the grass has grown The beautiful birds have flown And the phoenix in me Reserves the right to be set free In a cacophony of fire and smoke And I may be flat broke But I am wealthy beyond measure And my treasure Resides in the box within I just wanted to share it with him
There is a riverbed run And I’m flowing with it, pardon the pun As it lifts and guides, moves and weaves You have to trust, you don’t have to believe In anything anyone tells you Like if you’re water and the current expels you From all that you know I was thrown out of the daughter that go Everywhere she’s bidden But the best part of me is hidden From all and sundry And everyone is sad on a Monday But it’s just another day Another opportunity to live the “Way” Of the Tao Te Ching And to think, I was searching for a ring!
I feel the grey encroach upon my consciousness And who do I address the letter That I could do better And I need help to reach out of this prison cell Of all the people that wish me well And I’m just sitting in a café, what the hell I have to escape But I am right here, right now And that’s gotta be enough somehow But I strain against the edge of my chains And I know that the rains Will fall soon And the bells of doom Will echo ever near but ever far And every star Is born to turn into a black hole And what will happen to my soul When it quakes against the edge of the limit I have to give up the desire to “win it” Because it is no good to me now And I hate the conflict that I allow To penetrate the mist Of the zone in which I exist And is it just screaming into the abyss Throwing my prayers outwards in case there’s something that I miss In the soothing of an age I rip the page Out of the typewriter And search for something to ignite her
I rail against making shitty art Because I’ve got to do it with heart But sometimes I’ve just got to pour the cracks and creases With a love that never ceases As I flex my knuckles to breaking point And somewhere a baby anoint Into a chasm of a different making Am I labouring under what I’m forsaking The church and motherhood Do I give both up for good Because I’m nearly thirty four And I’ve been told to make shakes or the floor Will drop out from under my feet In the instance of a heartbeat And is it just to reclaim the child within That I want one with him Though I’d never say Not face to face anyway In my hidden stance I defy All the parts of him that try to die Against my will Does he even know what he would kill If he thought to take the drink and spill It out over the ground I don’t make a sound As the earth quakes But something in me breaks As though he’s taking a hammer to it And nothing, not even his wit Can put it back together Are we all summer weather Friends And when it all ends Will anything remain If I play this track again
Being broken by her It’s the story of what we were Til I realised that I had to get up off my knees And be the cure to my own disease And it was distasteful and it was crude And there are parts where they call me rude When I try to express how I feel And all this “psychosis” is real I just pretend it’s not When the seat gets hot And I’m sitting in a beanbag in Dean Swift And even those days were a gift As I listened to Marina and the Diamonds On a CD player in the meditation room And the bells of doom Only reach me half of the time The rest of it I’m sucking a lime And crumpling up my face Like all the Barry that went to waste When he tried to lead me down the garden path Like he knows nothing of the god of wrath And it’s doubtful if I will ever see him again And he would not be my first choice in men As he speaks a double innuendo And I wonder what he defend though When he grins and snickers I blink and the candlelight flickers And it wrong if I think St. Pat’s can be fun When everyone’s treating me like I am the one It all circles round And every sound Echoes cymbals And the vandals Can’t tear down my peace of mind It happens when I succumb to the grind And allow them to medicate Me like I’m a girl on a blind date As though there is no telling what these pills will do They assure me; they will help you But I’m already epic, do you want me less so I dunno I know they think I’m crazy, sorry, “unwell” I have half a mind to tell them all to go to hell With their what have you’s and plurality Do they even know what walks the skin of me I don’t think so though maybe some suspect I can tell when the veil is wrecked And someone just reaches through To hold my hand and say “I love you” Or just trip into my chair Hey Emmett, I’m glad you were there
There is a wolf and it barks at me Something is longing to be set free As it clutches and it holds It perforates and it bolds The font it wants to choose And I’m just something it can use When it’s in control of her And everything that we always were Is nothing now And all I can do is allow The trample to subside Because when it does she’ll realise I am alive
Magic makes might And some things will always be bright Even in the darkest night Of the dawn I watched it as it became the gone And now my body is fading, fading I’m aging, aging Almost thirty four With forty knocking on the door And it’s always been this way From ten years old that I cannot make stay And I watch my grandfather die I didn’t have the tears to cry Because the pain was too intense And the asylum seekers live in tents On the streets And my heartbeats Are all numbered I wonder if they are coloured By the shades of what I am And I wonder if I can Ever be something new If I’m always hankering after you And they put me on the pill (Not the one that will Allow you to have fun It’s another one) And it caused me to gain weight And God knows what else under the fate Of what I must now carry And their burdens marry Me to the nearest guy But that’s not something I want to try To replicate The best lovers never go on a date
You go be a realistic adult Just leave me as I am I don’t need your adequate prose Or my life to plan Just let the shards fall softly Like snow from the sky The wages of sin is death So excuse me while I don’t reply To all your locked boxes Checked like they would Did you really find your refuge In an abandoned wood Coz it’s been so long since twenty one And longer since twenty two And now I find I’m covetous Of all that belongs to you In the winter that breaks the snow And the places I would not go For love nor money I’m an author now, honey And your smash and grab won’t win Oh, what I did to him To prove our love was real Was I really out to steal Or just to interrupt With that hat that I adjust Like so on my head And now the man is wed But inner dimensionally And guess what it’s to me And my hands shake as I write the letter Said I know I love you better And the ink is splotched and tear stained You can tell the places the clouds rained Down from my eye As blue as an azure sky In the coast that we frequent Don’t know where the trouble went
She beats it out of me The love that she desires And she says that it’s all fine While she’s lighting fires And burning me with her aim Oh what is in a name Because she isn’t who she was to me But there’s no point trying to make her see She’ll just get her gun and match Light up the realm like it’s a thatch And scream it down I told her I didn’t want to be around And she screeched into the grass Oh how to make a moment last Coz I can’t delete it from my consciousness Oh who she is I can second guess Coz I thought I could rely But then I speak the words to die And she lets it fly Her avenging angel into my sky And there’s no way back She pushes me round before she attack Me with a flurry of words Like they’re not something I’ve already heard From the aforementioned scene I woke up from the life that’s a dream But she keeps trying to push me under Go back to being just a number She can calculate But she knows nothing about fate Or my destiny She thinks she knows when she’s talking to me Just who I am I’m not her plan
There was a horror blog That descended on me and it was a slog To get through all the peat and turf And everything just getting worse Why did I not just let it be Let the dragon get to me As I ran and ran But I know I can Only go so far as my legs can carry And that the man I want to marry Will find me eventually Will cut the chain and set me free But is that just a myth, a tide Someone who just does not abide In the deeper dimension And no extension Of time and space or relativity Seems to bring him closer to me And it was like all the windows punched out And everything was in doubt And I thought the devil had control And wanted me to play a certain role As I paced around my room on the first floor Have I lost everything I adore And they tell me, tell me, take these pills Don’t let it be a display of a clash of wills Between you and Power And you’re not in a tower Princess Pink Waiting for the kitchen sink To be hurled out the window You didn’t sin though You just lost the war Now we can tell you what it’s all for But I turn my face away Because I just cannot stay In this realm of thieves And everyone believes In everything they say Meanwhile I just walk my way And I stare into the press Before I undress For bed And Marina said “What are you looking for?” If only I could answer, the one I adore But it would be trite and superficial So I say I don’t know, it’s just edifical And anyway I find the pair of socks And the cófra doesn’t have any locks So I just close the door Lie into the bed like a minx, mo stór Until it’s lights out And Emmett is about To gaze behind the curtain I know he thinks that I’m hurting But I’m really not It’s just that I perceive a lot Beyond the realm of what’s considered to be true And it’s beautiful when I look at you Coz you’ve got a purity and a belief That what you’re doing brings relief To tortured souls But I’m here for when the bell tolls For all and the many I don’t want there to be any Soul left behind Trapped inside their own mind So I take the lower position Though it is not my predisposition To be on the ground Listening for any sound That might come through But there’s angels singing when I look at you And I hear them call Out to us behind the wall That separates And nothing equates Like with like I wait for the day I drop the mic But it’ll never happen Because only people who are napping Think they are the doers of This holy kind of love We are recipients and vessels of the pure It’s something I know for sure In the midnight owl Something somewhere is on the prowl For what it can eat I hear it snap at my feet And Gandalf the Grey Simply had to go away To be replaced By a sunshine that takes the place Of the light You don’t see it shine til you let the white Absorb you whole And take your soul Into its own creation And education Only goes so far Like science and the bar Then comes God Or consciousness or the ‘aul sod Speaking to your heart It has to end before Love can start
She leads with the controlling rod And do I blame her, because she believes in God And it always must come with some martyrdom Will I succumb To the same old disease Always praying on my knees Instead of with my eyes locked On that holy box That houses the crystalline And Jesus reminded me of the peace that’s mine When he burst open my heart chakra And you could set my love by the clock, ya Don’t worry that it’s gonna fade As the years jade The ocean that once was incandescent blue And it all matters coz its something to you Someday in the scene Do you know that the dream Can wake up to Itself in you And realise that beyond form Beyond the place where the body’s warm There is a lessening of the storm That pelts the windowpane And is it all in vain If I just let it pass me by Because the rules made me cry When you pushed me to the plate And told me I had to wait To be fulfilled And some people are skilled In betraying themselves But it’s never been one of my strengths
People I’m not safe with So I play the bitch To keep the simper out of my zone I prefer being alone But he forces his way in With his nations of appropriate sin And his deference to a sky That only leads a person to die And he sold me out to the weather Just so he could feel the heather Beneath his feet Is this the love that he bequeath As I confess my subtle heart To someone that made it start And let me believe That a heart could be worn on a sleeve But the aching thunder rolls Between us two souls As they try to cover up The way I uttered my love Coz it would look bad for family For me to be professing eternity To a stranger on the grass But the damn thing last All throughout St. Pat’s And all of their baseball bats As they hit me hard and true As though they want to kill the memory of you On my skin And every time I look at him I see you Bursting through Do I go back on the book Just so I can look At you marry some other female All rocks are sand in the vale Of death as the hourglass pours Do you love all of your whores?
Is moving on what you call it these days When you untangle yourself from your codependent ways And I loved your stubble and brash But you were always asking me for cash That I never had And I know you feel really bad In the places that hurt And I don’t want to make anything worse As I cry down the line It’s you and I for all of time In the Gaslamp Quarter of San Diego But my whole heart is el fuego In the burn of a fuse Because I have it all to lose When you get that look in your eyes Not everybody lives but everybody dies
She said there’s nothing worse than bearing an untold story inside of you So I finally open up To you to say they broke my cup When I offered them a glass And I never thought to ask The saints if it was safe Now all I want is to escape And death may be appealing But I amn’t dealing And don’t want a finite end I would rather have a friend And I found one in you I think you may have found it in me too As you look at me with those desperate eyes And I let you catch my sighs As they fall from my lips In the middle of an eclipse And there is nothing wrong with me Except for the fact I’ve been set free Of the chains no one can escape Until they fall victim to the shape Of water in the mirror And I cannot hear her Anymore Because her closed door Will never open to my pounds And the sounds She makes when she’s mad Would make anyone feel bad But I forgive her errant storm For never being able to keep me warm For it raged in her And destroyed everything we ever were Like shattered glass on the floor But I took the pieces and made a mosaic to adore Like a stained glass window in a chapel Like a wild woman riding a capall Through the woods or forest Lord above, please keep me honest In a world of lies Where all the futile tries Are brutalised And the disguise Is only just to say That I chose to have it this way
You keep your dreams in a locked box And you keep telling me what I’m not Just so I can be what you are But I keep wishing upon a star To take me far, far Far away from here And though I love you, dear I can’t crumble to the ash you crave Always looking to be saved By an incandescent night I’ve waited long enough to be the light That I will always remain I will turn to love from the pain That’s been given me I’m not the dragon you slay, you see
She comes in with her sneaking suspense An innocent question, it’s all the past tense Yet her aim is to guide, her aim is to rule And it’s like I am still in school When her might comes to pass And there are secrets at Mass I feel them in the riverbeds of society Questioning the worth of me As I stand as I am Outside her plan Of the perfect role I questioned her about soul And her reply Made some part of me want to die Like a hidden gem I hold the heart of a hundred men Close to my chest And they all swear they love me best But the truth is I Am made for the sky And whenever the cloud dissipates It’s then the ocean appreciates All it has come to know of blue Because it is reflecting something of you And every rainy day Is just another way The earth kisses the air I know it’s true because I was there
If she don’t get by on truth She’ll be the pulverise of my youth And she has her reason and her source But she rarely shows remorse For what she has done She says she follows the Son But how can she look back And not see the attack She launched with her steady rock As she assumes what I’m not And seeks to bring back to life That old dead wife That I used to be Now I’m young and set free In the age of the old and weary You don’t need to fear me Just stay clear When you want to lie to me, dear I’m not down for the ride As I leave your side For the green pasture And the Rastafari Have a clue about light And Sam may be alright But I can’t follow that path Nor the one of the god of wrath That we sat through in fifth class I know you believe but I’ll pass On that particular lesson And his absence is a blessing I didn’t know how to count at eleven But now I don’t need to believe in heaven To be complete I don’t need to wash anybody’s feet Just to tick the box The saviour came and undid the locks And now I smile Though no one’s seen it for a while
I let them take me to hell All the time they wished me well And put me through the crucify And if I didn’t want to die In the beginning, I did by the end The kind of torture when you don’t have a friend Who will save you from the wolves So I let it go as the pain pulls Me into it’s own frame of mind It was easier than being left behind By the man I love They say his glove Don’t fit my hand But it’s just that they don’t understand The mechanics of the thing And an angel with a broken wing Will always look to sky To find a reason why The emotion is not to be found In any degree of sight or sound And she pushes the door back open When I was just hoping To be on my own Now the birds have flown On that particular piece of ground And all the injustices abound In the leaves that fall I look at her as I walk down the hall To the death squadron firing guns They say Mother Earth loves all her sons But some wield a battle axe Some take it to the max And some just fall short of that I’d say it’s okay but it’d be old hat
Against my better judgement I take these pills I’m losing my mind like I’m losing skills And I’m scared that they will wear my brain away Like I am a knot and it’s started to fray But it’s gotta be better than wandering the night They say that I’m insane and I give up, alright Allow them to ring in a decree And proclaim what they think they know of me And everyone agrees, they’ve got it all on check And what I was seeing was strange and I wreck The picture every time I seem to see People trying to frame you and me And Alan was cool like they had on the system I walked away, you could say that I missed him And everyone in their cracked portrait there We’re just examples of how people care And they say that if you go and show You’re enlightened well then you know You’ll be locked up by the brigade at sea And I think that may have been what happened to me And I fight and war with what they pronounce Only another one to denounce Like sleeves of silk and cotton up your arm The meditation room the only charm As there was music and CD’s To ameliorate my supposed disease And I made friends and I struck a light In the room for squares I was held that night And the awning gap just spells the chasm What more can I say but that she has him For now, for forever, but not with me I gulp another one down with dignity
Why she play the bitch The one who’s running veins with the witch And I know it’s not all of who she is But she still takes the side that’s his So I peace out Put it beyond all doubt Coz she is a forest I would not walk Not for any share of her talk As she finds new ways to take me apart All because I have heart And soul and fire and truth and beauty And she is tethered to her duty In the realm of the left behind And the somewhere somehow out of her mind She knows she did wrong And she stifles her song As I sing mine She would have the silence for all of time Am I just being bitter, petty Worried that he might forget me If I leave it too long Because he was the only place my light belong As he took it into his arms And he kept me safe from harm And the sun reflected in his eyes So he could see he never dies Only ever in a dream To wake up to the unseen With a shock, rock, rattle and roll And we are connected by the soul To never, ever really part He may have left but he took my heart With him as he goes And his breathing slows As he drags me into his lungs And my soul succumbs To being absorbed into another sky If only I knew how to fly
The awfulness of the white man He gets everything any way that he can And you can say it’s ego But is he free though When he stakes his flag On virgin territory he can brag With a map and a pen Then he tries to conquer me again That open land that spans the grass And you can say that your reign will last For millennia but I watch it fall And then it was like it was never there at all And they all say they’re good and they’re great And they are definitely beyond the hate Then they bury the light within And take issue with a fellow and blame him For the monuments he makes And the dragon wakes And breathes fire on him So he says the enemy wins But it’s not really out there It’s in a heart that cannot care For what it breaks When he says he does it for your sake
I thought God could only ever be found In the complete absence of sound In the silence that descends On my room as the riverbends From lavender to primrose and flame And I wake up from my name And it all seems so perfect, true Til I met you And it all cascaded down You wanted to run my town So you could have a girl in the wings And, my, you love the way she sings But you don’t understand her And you demand her To be as you would please Up on her tiptoes or down on her knees But neither one will ever be me So I let you go free Though I love you with all of my heart I won’t make pain just to make art Or love Or fit like a glove Into a biological cog I dream of a fire burning a log While we lie on the rug before it And you know I would adore it A blanket made just for two But it never was me and you We spit fire into each other’s veins And in the aftermath cleaned up the bloodstains On the carpet where we fought It was in darkness that the ring was wrought And cascaded into eternity You asked me to burn with thee But I let go that crime And am absorbed into the sublime And even if they don’t get me here It doesn’t mean I’ll run to you dear If you make a fool of me When I just wanted life school and mystery To encompass all we were I dropped the glass when I saw her And it broke and shattered on the floor You don’t even hide that you adore Another pair of eyes And my trust in you dies Slowly but surely in the awe That you could begin the Great Thaw
Did you make a mistake telling me to go to hell And now all you want to shout is that you wish me well After all the evidence to the contrary Now you hold vigils and pray to Mother Mary But you don’t find any answers there At least not the ones that make you care And I spilled truth like ink All over the kitchen sink And you balked at its black, viscous flavour And I looked at you as though you were my saviour But you only saw the war And you crucified me for What you sought to keep Now it haunts you in your sleep And you can’t get my voice out of your mind It whispers to you as to what you’ve left behind And your bed is warm But you look so forlorn At the shape that sleeps beside you in the sheets And you wonder if two people ever meet On a level playing field And I feel you hate me so I yield To the tide of going away It isn’t indifference that made me sway And let the ribbon float into the air It’s because I loved the man that was there
I feel the fatigue in his bones As he tries to close our homes To the oncoming wind And he knows that he’s sinned So he can’t hold my gaze Should I tell him that there’s no one to save When he tries to reach out to catch the lapel Of the girl who fell Into his arms for a while And he could crack cameras with a smile And I watched it break across you so easy It was as though the Universe was just there to please me As I shut half of my soul down So I can go undetected in your town But eventually, the bells, they rang And somewhere our song sang Out its own refrain And it was as though a train Ran right through the gates Now the boy thinks the girl hates Him for what he is I just had to go so we could both live Not merely survive Sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive Coz I dropped out of the scene And I only meet you in my dream And I woke up at five in the morning And something had me mourning As I screamed “he’s dead” They conspire to kill me instead And it was never what I wanted I wonder if the love we share is haunted By the ghost of lives past Something last But something just fall away Like it was never made to stay And he casts a glance my way Would you dance if the record play Our song again Which one was it, the one about men And how they fall short of the sky When we are released do we die Into an open expanse And would our love get another chance When the rote learned is done After a hundred echoes around the sun
There seems to be a prohibition on being who I am They tell me not to speak against the plan Or analyse But everyone dies Why does nobody see And if they do why do they blame me For letting the truth fly And I don’t want to cry But I will If it means I don’t have to kill The beauty inside me For a man who will ride me Sometimes in the dark And leave a mark Like loneliness on the step It is something I can never accept So I throw the papers back in his face As he tells me I’m a living disgrace Because I don’t amount to The stepford wife he’s been pushing through And someday you will bear child But I am ever wild And I have no intention to tame that flame Just to wear someone else’s name And say that I am his I used to ace the quiz But he says I know nothing at all So I make him talk to the wall That is in front of his face Because I do not want to waste Any of my receptivity On who he wishes me to be And I guess it’s handed down Like a shower and a dressing gown The perfect man does not exist It’s all steam and rising mist To dim your eyes And the disguise Was brilliant true But it took like 0.1 seconds to see through And now you bow her branches down But the leaves never touch the ground
The identification falls away Like sticks and stones that never got a say In who I’ve become And I used to be young But I always felt old It doesn’t matter how many times I’m told That my whole life’s ahead of me But I’d rather kiss the dread in me As it lays down its head I always wake up when I am in bed And the monsters reach out to catch my arms They ring the bell when people do themselves harm In Dean Swift It’s like an alarm and I am pissed That for some reason it never tolls for me And they don’t see I’ve been set free As I sit in their cage And there’s so much rage So I just put it on a page To catalogue a new brand of product I heard hate travels by viaduct Is the whole thing fucked As my parents say to sit down and shut up Quiet is a kind of love So I let them stick needles and thorns Into my skin coz I look forlorn And there’s blood but it’s not of my doing I’m not up for the pursuing Anymore So I just sit on the floor Of the music room But the guitar’s out of tune And there is no capo I know I could make a map though Out of all these fragments of signs They beat me to a pulp ten thousand times As he makes me apply to the office I don’t know who will profit Coz I’ll never run the numbers Not for him, not for any of their hungers And he sends me an email to apply for the accounting exam I say no but it’s like Mayo and Sam It doesn’t get heard or come to fruition I’m all about that early edition
She marks the queen line of her reign And her kingdom is built on pain With little scatterings of love That seem to have come from above As gifts from on high But we all die And it’s something she cannot avoid So she just gets annoyed With me when I speak my mind And I live my life feeling left behind As I try to meet the mark of high standard But the old group have all disbanded And I’m left on my own The flowers are grown But I cannot smell their fragrant bloom When trouble is in the room The kind of grey that kills the butterfly And I don’t know why Anyone would reside In a place they feel they have to hide Their true self from all and sundry And it is just a bank holiday Monday That I make the muse And the power to choose Is just leaving the nest Of the season that knows me best
She rings of the pain she’s suffered And all the dreams she doesn’t want uncovered Because she’s betrayed her own heart And become a slave to the taking part In the guise of a good foe She loves me but she will not let me go Go be what I am There is always some kind of plan That I must fulfil And bow to her will And she drags me under When I do not obey her thunder That claps me on the back As If I should enjoy the map Handed to me But I am uncharted, I’ll be set free
Girl, you crossed the line Like ten thousand times And I slowly decided within That if it ever became a choice between you and him I would choose the latter And the clatter Of steel on steel Still rings in the heart I feel And the midnight may be blue But I am still better off without you You thought I’d come crawling back Like I did before But I don’t give a fuck anymore So I let you make your own bed And lay in it out in the shed And you make the perfect ploy But I am with the boy And he is kind to me And your absence means I’ve been set free From your crawling skin As you try to make me sin So the door hits you on your way out And I stifle a laugh over my mouth Coz you were never good to green And it’s nothing that we’ve been If you’re looking for me to relay The Disney Movie I had on play And it all started in 2001 I felt sorry so I went to you, hun But you turned your barbs on me When I only ever wanted to set you free And I guess you had to learn That when you strike a match it will burn And I am all fire soul Not some kind of role You can manipulate And it doesn’t matter who you date You’ll never see my like again And I bury my hatchet in men And that guy held me like shattered glass And I’ve got to say it was fucking class In the wilderness I thought I had to pass a test But it’s unconditional I thought it was empty but the cup is full When I go to drink And the sign on the wall said to think So I broke the secret that we all miss And Heaven was my first kiss
The closeted feminist But now can I resist All the chains they put on me Say I must believe if I wanna be free Coz I don’t take sides And love just abides And lush is the grass of verdant green And what is carried out in the name of the queen As she sits on her throne I’m just myself when I’m on my own With no moniker And I don’t wanna be her Of stand alone pride I trust in the rush of being alive Do you see what I paint At the sight of blood I get faint And I waver every time I see Proof of what I don’t feel is me Can you just let go I’m not what you say I am, you know And how we’ve been trained But your conditioning is in vain As I collect All the things you say are wrecked Do you get what I mean Is this life but a dream Coz you can’t rely On everything that is destined to die And I Stand up just to let go Pull the needle through on the bed I sew Til it’s all but done I don’t think I am the only one To feel the heady weight of foolish glee You can stay on time, but it wouldn’t be me
What do I try to write What do I try to encapsulate Is it just to snare a man on a date Or find forever on a sheet of white Is it wonderlust or just shite As I seek to see reflected The place where we wrecked it In the middle And in Spidéal I found a degree of independence But it was rendered dark by endings And I had a pain in my side And Granny worried about me living this life As I lay on the top bunk Writing in a diary about all the junk That occupied my mind And there’s a memory I wish I could leave behind I left a note in the door That said, a stór Could you please stop stealing our stuff I wanted to be Nancy Drew in love But the lady found it on the floor And I could barely walk to the core Of where I had been before And twenty years later I still feel the burn Of all I had yet to learn About decorum and holding back The part of me with a car jack Ready to take off the wheel I was crushed by the way she must feel In response to my malfeasance And somehow I wished I could dance In those shoes again With my broken finger and disdain for men At thirteen years old I would embrace not scold And regale with tales or tunes Of all the friends in those rooms
Do I reveal my ardent passion And I loved with the stealth of an assassin Always creeping on your page Then skipping town like it’s all the rage And you never expected Til you rejected Me after I gave you the chance to hold my soul And I know somewhere I am whole But it feels I am fragmentary blue Since the day I professed to you And you balked and threw the page At me with the full force of rage That you felt towards your self And I know you’ve had problems with your mental health But why do you take them out on me When I only ever want to set you free To liberate you from chains So you can dance in the blessed rains But you just get wet And tell me that you forget The day that we met And if I could do anything for you It would be to disappear from view So you can continue with your plan You’ve got a woman so you must be a man And I respect her enough to release The hold on you that decease As I walk away Surely you didn’t expect me to stay
There was a woman at the door And she wouldn’t let me through So I pushed at the gate That led me to you And it was a sorry sight When she named my plight As some kind of torture I said I’ll sort ya Out But her doubt Has me sending daggers in my eyes Across the room and my disguise Wilts under the weight And the hate Builds a bridge Between what was mine and what is always his And she shone a star As I drove my car Down the strip I take another hit For the sake of the team But the dream Can never have me now It’s something I will not allow Though I sit in their spaces They throw shapes and I make faces To show my displeasure But really I treasure All that I’ve come to be It’s just a pity she does not see
The mess I’ve made Trying to avoid the shade Of the tree That seemed to grow up over me While I was asleep And the problem keep For another day I don’t want it to get in the way Of what I am And I have no plan But I contemplate Every single offered date That makes a mark on the calendar And people would do well to remember That the sun slants shadows on the wall But they’re not really there at all There are merely cast by something that’s in the way And the people say I’ve errant desire But I never tire Of showing them what I mean Something woke the dream And now I see It was never up to me It was always the great expanse And the power to watch the leaves dance
I feel the burn of evisceration So I change the tv station And snap out of the trap As if the reason could be found on a map Why I am the way I am Nothing ever goes to plan And that’s the way it’s meant to be It took me thirty years to see That my life is not a mistake That someone on the other side made shake With the power of an earthquake In ruins I ask what I’m doing I’ve only broken words to say I am okay And I was locked in a room And told to deal with the doom On my own Self soothe while all alone But I open up and expand And take every offered hand That slips through my fingers like sand And the doctor has power to direct my fate But I don’t give in to hate Or bitterness, I just let go And feel the snow Upon my skin When I’m talking to him Telling him I am okay He looks at me like I fabricated the day When my ego went away And broke into sun Is it wrong if I say I am One With all that exists And the mists Have cleared the windshield glass I don’t need to make a thing last I can just surrender And remember It’s not what you think you know It’s what you live as you go
Creating my own version of hell Just to wish you well And appease the masses Coz the girl’s got classes That she takes on being herself And you could say that her wealth Hinges on being all that she is not And if you try to help a lot It will backfire Because she tire Of female dreams When you pull the fabric at the seams And enter into a plausible affair With someone that isn’t even there And her sister bites And ignites Passion she doesn’t know how to wear As she complains it isn’t fair And resigns herself to a fate She’s not even allowed to hate Coz that could constitute a sin A conflagration that’s within But I burn With every axis turn And understand how the devil might feel To be told that nothing is real And his existence is naught But a way to keep people caught God is everything He’s in every broken wing And in every fallen star There’s no way to escape what you are Even if you turn away The Truth will have the final say
Did you think I would wait for you There’s not a chance in hell As if you give me permission to be myself Only under your sun that the cards I’ve been dealt Could align with mystical forces But you’re all about the divorces That could happen if you’re not a really nice guy Because you’re afraid to die And the woman you love is fearless and true But she is no match for you When you put those glasses on I saw it and so I was gone In a heartbeat and I’d skip town again If I’d catch that frown on men Because I know what it means And it may be the stuff of dreams But I’m no puff pastry to wear And I don’t need you to care About me And free Is fine But there was a moment you were mine And we shared a soul But you break the begging bowl As you hold it out to me Cut my hands on glass that trusted for free And I thought you had changed So I let the atoms rearrange And came back to your door Only for you to say you don’t want me anymore Well let me make it simple for you It’s goodbye like you wanted it to
I look at the photograph and think of the people I’ve lost And wonder why life has to pay the cost Of being born The painting’s rendered and then it’s torn In two, down the middle And I spent some time in Spiddel When I was thirteen years old It was before the gold Broke into fourteen After I’d lost my grandmother to the scene And I’d pattern the stars on the wall Making constellations of them all I was not alone And I’m almost crying on the phone As I ring home Fast forward a couple of weeks I’m sad coz we’ll never speak To those girls again And I could call each one friend As I sleep on the top bunk And there was a moment my heart sunk For the shame of what I did I’m always inconsiderate to the point of flipping the lid Before I screw it on I loved a boy then I was gone And we are nevermore Why does God give me people to adore Then take them away again I wish I could say I was on the mend But I have no will to be I just want to be set free From the illusion Of my own confusion Held in colours I create It’s a disease I can’t inoculate
I can feel the verge of the Unknown Come to clip the wings that I have flown And I wonder why desire Would long to set the world on fire If it would burn its own house down And he acts the clown But I can see the depths In the aura of his regrets And it is stultifying prose As I walk the roads Like a woman with a purpose And the circus Never fails to make me laugh Because God does not do things by half And when he invented maya I realise why he loves a tryer Coz like Albert Einstein says Insanity is doing the same thing in different ways And expecting a result to arises But there is a horizon In your eyes When you look into mine And I wonder would you do hard time Just to know the freedom I speak of And I was just brave enough to call it love When you still hid in the shadow of the hall And a brick wall Always faced me then But I would do it over again If I had the chance As I shyly ask you to dance With me We would be A beautiful pair If we both had been there
I have this fear inside me, do I focus on it And does it just make me act like a twit I find myself in St. Pat’s, ground floor And everyone shines, my God, mo stór As I’m lying in bed in Dean Swift at night And he’s illuminated by the bathroom light He says it’s very bright But I could look at him and sight Is no burden But how would I word them This prose that sits inside And I only ever hide The best of me And the rest of me Lies in wait All the guys I’d love to date But my heart won’t let me Soul won’t forget me And lead me down a merry path One I might never find my way back From And it’s gone That sudden sharp Like Cleopatra playing the harp It’s an illusion And the confusion Was I trusted words Instead of the flight path of birds As they streak across the sky And I am not afraid to die But say that to a psy Chiatrist And you may get the gist Of what I relay I eventually learned not to say What was on my mind Because it leaves me behind Like an autumn tree And everything is fluttering from me As I’m out in the grass With Mary Jean, I never had to ask Her to teach me how to knit She wove the wool deftly as I sit And she came to my door With something she’d baked on the first floor And we ate it with my sister God knows, I missed her When I was locked away And I don’t care what people say Those places don’t help They just teach you how to stand on a shelf All pretty in pink And I used to think It was for a reason Now I see it was just a season I was passing through Growing wings and flying too Beyond the veil And what’s not up for sale Will always be bought By those who think they have caught The value in it And I didn’t win it But let it go There’s joy in defeat too, you know
Getting older And I just grow bolder And into my own skin It was reflected in him And I thought that we Could be outside of history In a land beyond time And I wanted to call him mine Somewhere quiet and beyond the suffer Now I watch him love her And I wish them well But it is a kind of hell To keep myself away from him Because there’s a pact between women And what if he was to leave her for me If I reveal the mystery That surrounds my presence And the essence Of what we are Is born from a distant star Is there a way to be a friend to you Because I want you in my life too I shut you out Because the doubt That was cast upon me Just had to be gone me And I wanted a secret space With you so I could see your face And read the lines That arc over you a thousand times Like holy comets Are you still on it Like a diamond mine I would have told you I was fine If you’d have asked But your compassion’s masked By your fear I just want you to know I still love you, dear
He wants me so fuckin bad But he is still one of the lads And he talks trash behind my back It’s a form of attack As he holds his weight behind the line In case I might suspect the diamond mine Was harvested with blood on hands And he is the inheritor of lands But he will never own me, my dear Let me make this crystal clear I’m not going down that route And you may play the flute To deflect And then the dream is wrecked But the man protest “I am not like that” Then why say something you can’t take back To me on the phone I say, leave me alone And just go be with your girl Let go of your hold on the world Coz it will never be yours And there’s nothing the water pures When it flows free It is the essence of me It is bound for the sea Not a dam in the river And I’m sure your could forgive her If you really knew what she was saying to you But I don’t have the time to go explaining to Someone who doesn’t want to see What he means to me In the forest of desire But now we’re in LA and it’s on fire From some lightning strike And I don’t care what you like When it comes to a woman Is it just that she keeps you coming Down the hall And a brick wall Only reflect The dark heart that I suspect To be at the core of you I would have loved you if you’d wanted me to
They tell us to co-opt And be something we are not Coz I am soft and I am supple And I dream of being part of a couple And they say that white feminism is not intersectional And it is too one directional And I have to agree Because it has never been me But there are parts of it I would pluck Because I still give a fuck About independence and freedom But I would never cede them To another hand And they say to let it go is grand But I stand on my high horse And do so with no remorse Because the beating heart Is something that will always start Within my own And it is not something that I could disown And I imagine myself being taken In the moment love is forsaken And being heavy with child And losing all my wild That blows with me in the wind And the people say it’s the woman who’s sinned When a man commits adultery That you should never let them see your sultry Gaze And there’s cities that they’d raze Because they haven’t met The part of themselves they can’t forget Buried deep within the grass Hidden in a childhood that is part of the past And lost innocence will do that Far more dangerous than an old spinster and her cats But society would have you believe That this burden must be relieved Into the female prone And I just stare at my phone Because I loved him true How could he do this to you? In the name of a just defence I can’t contemplate what it meant Anymore And every open door Was slammed shut in his face Because he is a living disgrace
The Poetry Book 