The veins of truth pour the blood through me It’s back to my heart and it sets me free And my skin may be purple, blue But it’s not because of you I just wanted you to know That it was long before we met I wanted to let go And it was in response to A girl, I change the font to blue To represent those days Because she cut in me in so many ways By lines, by degrees Then with a sword when I was on my knees And my grandmother had just passed And I’m sitting in class When she has just let me know That she can’t “relate” to the snow That’s falling from my sky And suddenly I want to die And the breaths I draw in are sucked not in the flow And nobody seems to know It’s like steel in my blood to enter the school And I used to keep every single rule But it never did a thing to keep me from the deep end of the pool And I’m just standing saying a prayer Because we’re Catholic and the teacher is there Til, suddenly, dizzy, I lose consciousness And the person I used to address As myself Has been lost in the wealth Of light pouring from the sky And though no one says hi To me anymore I don’t care coz the open door Has just let me in And I didn’t need to win The war she fought with tooth and nail The success was in the fail And I just let her go To torment someone else slow I wonder will she change But I will always be the kind of strange That sees the city in each pair of eyes And I hope she never cries But her docking port will not be here She can call on the God that is ever near And see if he can rescue Her soul from what threatens you I know I’m by the shore Waiting for the man I adore To finally swim to land He does and I take his hand Like it is precious ore I am not who I was before But I can be all that I am If that’s okay with you, man
I delved into the dark of night And somehow I came out alright Like that bright blue rose I wandered the streets and I chose Life over death But I cannot forget The things I saw And I blame everything on the great thaw And I took a comic worth 50 cent Out of a box and away I went But I felt bad and I repaid The charity for my shade And you can say it was poor mental health But I still felt the cards were dealt Harshly and I take a couple hundred euro And leave it in an envelope to secure ya In my attempt at redemption I actually never told the priest at the intervention But it was because I had forgotten And because I sensed I was not well gotten By that particular son of Christ So I said what I could splice And took my shit and ran And the only place that can Fail to make a demon of me Is the place where the hellish ghouls were set free And they came to devour what they could I swore that they wanted blood And the psychiatrist said it was just my mind And that sanity was only something I could find In pills and therapy But the silence gets the best of me When I sit across from a nurse Asking me how it might have hurt And all I can think is that his eyes are oceans And they convey seafaring waves of emotion And if he was a colour it would be green Like the t-shirt he wears and all we could have been If only he had been single And I had been coherent enough to mingle But I take the easy route As my lover plays the flute Somewhere far away and I see That it’s only cloaking the mystery To realise That even the beautiful dies When faced with its own fragility I let them wound the hurt in me
We sang to “Don’t Stop Believing” I was eighteen and we’d just won Our souls in the starring of the sun And those girls were my life I had no notion of being a wife But you walked right in the door And suddenly I’m not my own anymore As you just look through the facade and you Can see I’m red in the places where you’re blue Now fast forward fifteen years And you have had your fair share of tears With a woman you swear is the one But I can see you, son And your anger bubbles water Over that goddess daughter And she looks past what you are I can see the star In you grow dim And her disappointment when she looks at him That she don’t recognise That emotion in his eyes And I would love to emote And play him back my favourite quote That I stole from his page Like a note in school that’s all the rage As we pass it to one another And I know you’ve got a lover But it doesn’t dim the want And it haunt As I know he’s foreign property I just don’t want her to fight with me Not even over you Interrupt your wedding to exclaim that you Are the one for me And set you free From the chains you chose But it was from the dead He rose And shone the light And though I see your kryptonite I can’t use it against you There is no defense you Can use to hide from me So I retreat and abide in the sea Between two opposite pairs of land Does she ever take your hand And mean what I did I heard it in your voice as you hid From me on the phone So I will leave it alone And commit myself to a mental institution Because that is the only solution That will keep me from profess That a white dress Was never needed to be wed And it doesn’t matter who you have in bed You’ll always be the flame that burns But it’s not from books that he learns
The deadness that she emanates Is flat grey and it equates Right with wrong Do you hear the song That goes unheard When she kills the bird Of a true love season And it is almost without reason The sky turns black She turns to me and she attack Everything with which she does not agree Because she is “protecting” me I want her to just fuck off So I get lost Because she’s as saturated by the sin Of all that she can’t be with him And I forgive the mask of acceptance That says it is just self rejection She lives through I don’t want anything to do with you
Do I dash my own hopes And they wonder how she copes As they slash and burn Get in line so everyone gets a turn At the aching of the mending fences torched And she dreamt of a life on the front porch Sipping tea with her chosen one Now she fears that her son Will tear her down And she left the town Only to want to go back And none of those fuckers know jack About who you are And every star Turns into a black hole Don’t let them take your soul When they tear at your skin But you found it in him And I know I’m not alone When I click the link on my phone
Do I revisit the pain Or do I just love you again Because I know you’re longing for An open door In front of the vault I closed And I chose To be the lone wolf on the hill You try to close it in but I never will In the absence of stain Do I just let the rain Pour down on the sea It’s all water if you ask me And the universe is mystery In the folds of a dress Of a goddess you’d never guess Was running things And a pair of wings Burst from my back Because I lack Anything approaching civility So I accept the restrictions they place on me In the name of their forced normality The biggest offenders are he and she Who claim To do this in my name Now I have welts on my back All because I lost the jack When my car broke down And they drove me through the town And I fought like hell But they still wish me well With their bucket list dreams And it echoed the screams In their own soul I’m not playing their favourite role In the battle to be seen Did you think I would live the dream
We fight to blow the fuse on the gasket You can know the truth even if you do not ask it And there’s a battle of wills to convince Each other which one deserves the prince Of good fortune and peace Don’t you know it’s gonna decease And gradually fade In the moment that you age Out of the time You spent dancing in the sublime Of a garden green What have you been When the water’s run through Am I really so deceptive with you When you break the twig And it cracks on the gravel as you take a swig Of the brightest ale Is it wrong that I am not up for sale
I can feel a wave and I’m getting ready to surf it The bog is flat before you turf it And build it into little towers Stacking sods with all our powers Until our backs ache And we take a break To soak in cool 7up By the pores, it’s enough And those were the days of sunburn And racing my sisters to take a turn At who could be the best Then copping out coz we need a rest And is this the end to the quest Stand up on Sundays at the behest Of the Lord that commands In the acres of desert sands To find just what we are Led by the light of the star That shine over the stable Get up and sing, if you’re able Or the sadness will just consume One day you’re the only one in the room And holding the light in tilting frame Barely able to say your name With lips that quiver with the weight And hearts that have surrendered the hate And age takes it all, even the body Time wearing out like the car getting shoddy And someday you must face the succumb Only tell tales of when you were young But in reality you can’t relive Only hold your hands out to forgive All that you couldn’t get by with I rely on my soul, the departure of wit Knows me all too well I’ll choose Heaven over some kind of hell
She’s probably right about me and him It’s a game I play but cannot win As I hope for somewhere under a star He is wondering what we are But it never shows or comes to fruition Just carting around some ammunition As if we could strike At all we really don’t like But love, my love, is patient and kind It’s present moment, not left behind And I wonder if the waves are ocean enough For you to wash your hands of love That we built, stone by stone Whether together or all alone And you stand by the fortress that you made I say the hero never saved What we were or could be And I’m thinking of she Running her hands down your neck And doing some things you do not expect Just to drive you wild And I’m by the corner, meek and mild And only tepid beside the heat Of the furnace of heartbeats Side by side Would you even care if I wasn’t alive But I abide and sit in the still Let the thunder roll like forests at will In a strong breeze I always knew that you would leave But coming back Seems like something my memories lack As you try to explain But you can’t put back the pouring rain Once it’s down from the sky And I didn’t think to make truth a lie Only find In the halls of my busy mind A story to write I’ll tell our tale, if that’s alright
There was a demon I saw in her It let go and destroyed what we were And it’s belligerence knocked buildings and homes Til I was in a room crying all alone And trying to find even keel Because of all this weight that I feel And I try to tell souls but they don’t care Or they don’t understand because they weren’t there When it all went down As she screams into her cup And I have had enough Of that rejection So I depart from natural selection And find my own ground It is a peaceful sound In my room all alone And I lock the darkness out of my phone Because I gravitate Towards the light that equivocate The messes I have made And if you’re a tree do you love shade Just because that’s what you cast I didn’t think this thing would last So very long And I know I look strong But the wind knows the weakness in my knees The foibles in what I believe To be true Why do I still trust you?
There is a map of the problematic And there are people at it Again as I close the door Because I don’t want to hear any more And does that make me cold or aloof Because I need the proof Of what I have come to be When you meddle with a river set free You will be flush with water And they can say I am haughtier Than I’ve ever been But I stand outside the dream And just watch Everyone burning down the clock Saying that they have fun But I see the end and it is one With the present moment scent I don’t know where yesterday went Because it was here a moment ago But I can’t hold onto it, so I let it flow And something unfolds Like the spirit had foretold An eon past And what is it that will last When our bodies have faded to dust Born of either love or lust There is no opposite to the true And I see it in you
She searches for a forever And every endeavour She touches with her hands Turns into slipping sands I find myself on my own And we have not grown Out of each other We have just found that it smother To attach a brick To the hand which throw at a bitch Of a window It wouldn’t let me in though So I just cried outside the door Til I couldn’t find my eyes anymore There was no death I could ever have died That would amount to the way I lied About who I was Just because It would fall outside the fold And I had always been the child made of gold But it’s finally come to the scene That where I used to dream I must make real And steal Away into the night So that others might see the light When they’re confused and in the dark And know that no mark That they ever could sustain Would mean they have weathered rain There is something pristine I say it loud and proud in the dream So, that like a pinch You might wake and cinch The enlightenment you crave It’s not the superman that save But the place from which he came And now that I know it’s name I’ll never be the same
Why do I cry over the spilt milk She had given it to me to feed the kitten And I dropped the jug and broke it And suddenly, tears I am only four years old And my grandmother would never scold But the kitten is all wet Something I cannot forget So I ask for something to dry her with And now the memory stick In my throat But it’s not because of the cat I quote It’s because of the love that put me there And showed me the deepest care As she never let me see the sadness that encased Or the dreams that were erased By the passage of time And somehow you will always be mine In this space I will never forget your face Though your image fades I will keep it on a page So that I am reminded That you have to lose it to find it And somehow, somewhere in the serene I wake up to the dream And know that you did not die And all the tears I could not cry Were not wasted in vain All the encapsulated pain Is freed into the sky I’m just left with the question why We don’t get to be forever Under this weather It’s always in the scene I see you in the sunbeam And in the riverbed prose That splits the path into two roads Will hold until we meet again But I’m here now, just say when
The darkest sin Was the day I let him in And it was the best thing I ever did I almost nearly flipped my lid When he smiled at me like that I fell in love now I can’t take it back And I wouldn’t even if I could I met you in the wood When the night came close And you kissed me like you love me the most My lips, eclipse and you a ghost To turn invisible when I reach out to touch The hand I love to hold so much When it was offered to me I thought your love was free But you exact a price And you know it isn’t nice To show your heart then bunker down Til I’m searching all over the town Just to find the web you weave You wipe your face with your sleeve You let me in and I believe That this could be forever But you would never Let the outside in So I let go of him And he finds another girl And now I guess the alcohol swirl To the tune of her name It was you and I, now it’s not the same Since I found out I drove straight through the roundabout Trying to find a way to peace But I just give up and the pain cease
What to do when the darkness eat me Do I just let the trauma unseat me As I bridge the gap All the people told me to map With my eyes And I live in disguise As I agree with what they say But it only ever gets in the way Of what I mean And it was just a dream That I could occupy A place where people go to die It was like a graveyard of sin And I just walked into it with him So he would not be alone I clicked like on my phone And so it began But I ran From the grasp of the window keepers And I was in the ward when the sleepers Came to check on my eyes And the tendencies of things to die The light was blinding and I try to explain That I love the rain But it goes unheard And the bird Sits on the sill I know I said I would but I never will Give up the fight I just want you to know I am alright In my sunshine boots And underneath the tree has roots That go deep into the soil And when the pot has come to the boil You take it off I know it coz I paid the cost
There seems to be some error with space As he does not know his place When it comes to me And if I am really free Then why can’t I enforce a boundary Between you and I And I am always afraid that you will die So I just give in And let myself only ever think of him As he moves further and further away Like a star system that cannot stay In my orbit anymore And a closed door Is nothing in the quantum realm Where vibration is at the helm And frequency is all that you can trust I watched the whole thing go bust As God just stood by Asking why the people cry If they believe in heaven too And I say it’s because of the absence of You In the perception And self rejection At the heart of the human dilemma Do you remember All that you were in the beginning And if physical love is a form of sinning Why does it create life And if it’s my destiny to be a wife Then why do I love all I encounter And I know that you doubt her When she says her heart is true But it only ever beat for you
The antecedent knows its own role And I lie in the expanse of my own soul As the bombs go off Or another person coughs As, I, awake in my bed Wonder what they would have said If they’d have known What was going down And I may visit the bay again Just don’t say when Because it is a futile ploy When I see my stars in a boy As he shines from afar He is my favourite star In the darkness of outer space I wonder if all these years have gone to waste Since I told him I love him And I would never hold myself above him But I feel like I was reduced For the receipts I couldn’t produce So I decided to write and write Even if it is sometimes shite Trying to get it on lock I don’t want to be something that I’m not But when I take a pill I swear I never will Be all I claim I am It’s like Kilglass winning Sam Impossible but still a dream Like me and the queen Inside my riverbed heart Blue and red from the start Do I use the pain to make art And the futility to show that the taking part Is the best part of the win I just hope I get to be with him Somehow, someday Anyway Thanks for listening Oh, look my teardrop’s glistening
I was fourteen and lost in the dream Til she rendered it everything it had never been And a lightning crack struck the stone To tell me I was never alone Not in my darkest day You know the one I wanted to make go away In the summer as I watched her die Slowly and I couldn’t cry Coz a tear might mean I would miss a moment With her and wouldn’t own it There was that morning I came and had breakfast with you Cornflakes with warm milk and you Put the heater on under my feet So that I might meet a warmer day Why did you have to go away I ask myself that all the time And almost twenty years line The road that took you from me Do you remember that day we Almost had a game of cards But someone came in and something hard I had to accept Was that I would have to regret The time we almost played rummy on the settee I know you were doing it for me And you ask for ice cream and jelly Just days before you die and my belly Still aches for your rhubarb tart The one you make like a work of art As you coat each piece in sugar and give some to me Say good things come to those who wait and my heart is set free From some imaginary chains It’s been nothing but torrential rains Since 2004 I keep thinking you’ll walk in the door Like that time up in UCD For a moment I could swear that we Are both in the same room Or the student union shop if I’m singing in tune But it passes almost as soon as it comes And I grasp again at when I was young And I was sitting on your knee I know you’ve been set free It’s just I know you’d never leave me So this Heaven you speak of has gotta be Nearer than close, than intimacy Could it be that you are One with me Like the Buddhists describe That you are really still alive Just in another dimension And the veil fell without mention Of the aforementioned fact The ones you’ve lost you can get back If you just trust the bough to break God puts you there for your own sake
They can’t bring me down Not with their hospital gown You know the one that I wear When the fabric tear On my suit And I must be the proof Of what I want to hear Must I hold dear The days in subterfuge When everything’s the colour rouge On the page The shade of rage That pulls apart the sun And you know the one Is made to beat a heart Tearing all the stars apart In the firmament where they lie I am not afraid to die But to be caught In a place where my spirit’s bought By all and sundry And it’s quite the quandary To be lilt bound around the halls Of a place that is all walls In brick and stone I hear the ancients scream “leave me alone” As behind the barrier some horrors are contained I feel it in the pain That emanate From the people in that state And there are souls that walk the corridor Down to the art room on the first floor And there’s no way to say That it isn’t me, okay Because when I speak of vision They meet me with derision And false grandiosity It must be my animosity Reaching out to take a bite Of my own kryptonite Does that mean I’m Clark Kent Or the space where the hero went
The one good thing about hell Was that Stephen wished me well And could see the light underneath The ghost with the sheet Around her head (You know the one I got from the bed) In the place with no name Because the memory brings shame Upon my family So I’m not allowed to mention it, we Did it, it was a collective decision And I risk their derision If I reveal That I feel Just fine About my time In St. Pat’s mental institution It was some kind of a convolution In my degree Why does life have me down on one knee Proposing to a saint In the colour of blood that I paint As it runs down the frame Of the place that brought me pain
I fake ambivalence on the way to the hospital And they put me in a cage So the only way I could rage Was on a page Listing all their faults As they keep me in a selection of vaults But like a Taylor track I’m only better when I come back And I boomerang that shit Do you know who you’re dealing with When you spider web the dream It’s split like a seam Along the line of someone else’s thread And you could say I’ve made my bed But I sleep soundly So what about me? You gonna write that prose Now that you have given up the road That lead you here And you have only death facing you, dear I see it in your eyes And even the man behind the concrete cries Silver grey in every way, you plug the drain Then think you know about the rain But it only ever runs away And everything that I say Washes over you into a puddle You can say I am in a muddle But it’s you that seems So lost in dreams That you don’t know the way to be In touch with reality
Telling a story, like I’m just a seanchaí I wonder what the world will think of me When I reveal That I am more than what I feel And the imperative consciousness Finds a way to address All that I’ve been needing to know I held on to something but it let me go Long ago And the persecutor Was no interlocutor To spindle me on threads But I’m lying in bed And wondering why I Feel as if I’m going to die And the darkness around me holds weight But there is no hate On my side Only a desire to stay alive And she’s breaking brittle bones With stones That she throws I look outside and it snows In the middle of winter The hinterland Is green but hidden And the pain came unbidden It rose like the middle of the night To wake me and ask me if I was alright But I’m not Or have you forgot What I said to you I trusted and the thing fell through
The darkness that ensued And all I could do was brood Over the way things had come to be Confinement was the only mystery I could bear to hold So I ran from the fields of gold To the chains in the city And it was more self pity Than it was bravery I couldn’t face the truth And the pillars of my youth Are falling around me Now I have no grandfather to ground me So I just grasp at empty air Because you are no longer there To catch me when I fall And see me play football Down at the pitch Making a switch With Linda on the field But the wind blows and I yield To it and let you go It was harder than you know To relax my grasp On the part of me that was born to last And I couldn’t cry tears Despite the years We spent together And the weather Turned suddenly snow And somehow I just know That it’s time And my crime Is that I couldn’t bear to face This aspect of the human race That we must say goodbye To the people we love as they die And I’m hearing voices The people in Pat’s say it’s just noises But I sense that I can hear More than just the ones I hold dear From the other side I think they are still alive In some other realm And at the helm Is a spirit greater than we can understand He is not ruled over by man But free to birth into the world of form And just because my body’s warm Doesn’t mean that I’m separate From the ones my heart equate With eternal love And if I no longer have to look above But within to find you there Would you know that I still care?
Was it just a twin flame dream That a man could mean What he says when he says it to you And that he’s not just out to Wrap the chains of control Around your soul Like vines that entrap When he tries to map Your mysteries And histories Are replete with this story So don’t implore me To just give in I will never be with him As long as he holds the casing He is intent on facing With the full of his sight And I say “It’s alright” Because it is for a moment or two But if you’re not willing to Give it up for love Then all of the above Has been rendered obsolete I’m not falling at your feet Just so that my hair Might wipe away your every care And render you the king But a king wouldn’t throw away everything For a cheap night in the stars Behind steel bars That he calls a safe space But the human race Was not made for prison tomes So I leave him all alone As he tries to encapsulate Everything in a spate Of cold weather that freezes blood I didn’t think you were great, I thought you were good
Overgiving And I was mute and forgiving Of a multitude of crimes She overran me a thousand times Til I drew the last straw And I haven’t melted since the last thaw Came in over the mountains And my heart throws water out in fountains Til it fans over the sea And cloaked in grey mystery Is the something that aches And there is that which forsakes Even the staunchest of hearts And I take part In the fight that we play Til she told me I have to go away And leave her for a season I didn’t know the reason But I fought to find The part of me that had been left behind In the darkest storm There was an icy grasp that no fire could warm Til I happened upon the sun That shines from teh beginning of no one In the heart of the pole It is the essence of soul In the mist of the rain And I cannot contain It now it wants to expel The earth of its submergence in hell
I watch the dagger plunge into her heart When I say I just cannot take part In this game she wants to play What is it that the dragon say If you dare fire, you’ll get burned And I’ve tangoed with the furnace and I’ve learned To never quote the things you say As if they were true anyway Then I watch her eyes go wide As if she has nothing to hide Could it be in innocent prose I have killed the horse I rode To the pasture green As evidenced by the queen By my side But she whispers “you are still alive” As if the fact passes comprehension And I never did get a mention In any of the stories you told “What?”, she says “I put you in bold And in the aforementioned text You never read the part where we had sex” That stops me dead for a moment or two Then I remember I’m dealing with you And you’re a master of manipulation And your education Is like a trophy you wear On your arm but I just tear The fabric of that particular dress But you look at me and I’m a mess Spurning looks and throwing out words As if they’ll ever be heard By anyone in the abyss And she says she’ll miss The way my shy smile came to her like a gift Oceans between us and the great rift
I walked out the door I thought I knew But could I walk out with you Fly out to New York And the fork In the road as it splits in two Is just a bend when I’m with you And you locked the gate on your way out Enough to fill me with surreptitious doubt As I wondered what could he mean When he says he is caught in the dream Does he not want to wake up Why does he push away my love When I let it be seen so clear Does he not know I hold him dear Or does he venom the rejection When I failed to make a selection When he offered me grey, green and yellow I never was one to be mellow Always verdant but fiery red And I never had him in my bed But I still wish I could see His unbridled eternity Burn with a ferocity untamed You don’t know a think when its named And I know he found it with her But I trust the weather To bring back the storm That keeps my blood warm As I stand at the outpost As white as a ghost
I don’t want to let it go The pain I have come to know The grief and the surrender Reminds me that I remember But how could I ever forget People that are with me yet I felt you touch the bridge of my nose And it shows me that though there are many roads They all lead to the top of the mountain And the fountain Pours water into the sea I watch you leave me Behind And out of my mind As I try to catch the air As it is leaving there And scream “no” like I watch the fathers do When their children are lost to A war that no one can win And sin Is a fucking lie Because when we die Our slate is wiped clean And the dream Is woken up from where it stood God is great only if he is good And no devil can touch what is at my core It cannot shatter what was there before Coz I would travel to hell Just to get the chance to wish you well And the arrows all fly At me when I cry Like shattered glass, the scream Is not enough to shine a beam Into my darkened room Because I love the doom And it makes me shake And I know that I will not break As the weight Is piled upon my frame I’m in a locked ward and the feeling’s the same They haven’t wrought it from my hand With their claims they understand As they prescribe Something to keep alive The closed in your eyes So I hide my cries From the watching souls Who play roles To keep themselves from the dark But I have wandered in Nutgrove Park For a century or more And I will never close that door No matter what you do to me I called God and he set it free To be more than I ever thought There was no lie that is bought That can trump the holy white light I just don’t know why I fight To keep the obscuration dense Like my love is in the past tense
There was a crash and a bang And then the phone rang To say that he had died And I screamed out and cried And the memory of it sings Like a bullet in my back and things Were never the same after that Because I can’t get his light back As it leaves his shape I watch the soul escape The body I thought I knew And what if I never see you Ever again You were the best of men And you would get that look that would lock Into my gaze and I would take stock Of the moment that we held Like out on the mountain that morning as dawn broke its shell Or the time I took a video recorder And filmed you looking into the border That bridges the place between you and I I was eleven when the sigh Escaped your lips And my own eclipse Began with a swathe of rage I decided not to use a page To document my anguished sobs Because that would be to rob Some of my pain from me And what would be left of our history The one with Ireland on the wall You had cut it out or you walking down the hall In the middle of the night when all was quiet Just a door gently shutting on the riot That cascaded my dreams A grandfather that isn’t all he seems Because he is a whole life away And I’m just starting mine, what do you say That everything will be okay And you love Granny and that day You held a candle as you depart And it nearly breaks my heart Watching her watching you go Why did God make us for this so To love and to say goodbye I don’t mean to always cry When I think of twenty two years ago It’s just I promised that the low Would bring me a high And I feel you in the sky As I gaze into a scene And ask God to wake the dream Up if He possibly could So I walk alone in the wood At the back of our land Until something takes my hand And leads me to a monument That points to the place the person went And how could hell be heaven sent I swear and I eff and blind But it doesn’t bring me respite from the mind That tears me into treachery Look your love is not lost in me It’s just fading into eternity One you will come to know My surrender will not let you go
I learned from the University Of Whatever That you can never Trust a human to not let you down It goes with the territory of running the town And I drown In the ocean or the River Shannon There is no depth that’s not worth spanning But I breathe oxygen And so it was with him I drank in all I could While we spent time in the wood Like we were joined by blood But the name Just spells shame As I think of what I did The way I revealed the way I hid And he flipped the lid Spilling venom on the floor And I could hear what we were In the echoes of twenty one guns And there are many suns Who anchor planets And dammit I could have been more tame But then I wouldn’t be the same As I am when I am alone I clung to the phone Like it was sacred bread And I had been starving instead Of merely watching from afar I’d love to take you in my car And go for a drive While we are both alive And pumping veins full of red Instead I just wonder about your bed And if it’s warm or if it’s hot It’s something I just am not No matter how hard I try But I see the sky From the place where I lie And I count the stars Like we’ve been chasing cars
It whispers “go back into your cave” Because there are people to save And I can’t do it being thin Or just kicking the can with him Til my day arises And everything is full of suprises Most of them bad as hell As people wish you well Then stab you in the back Smile right before they attack I gave my heart to her And she shattered everything we were And I won’t go into details but She was the bridge my fever cut Like a knife right through the grass And the man just wants ass To smack so he can be the king He laughed at me so I took a swing And knocked his block right off Then Susanna got a cough And it was open season I ran and ran without reason I got lost in the ocean I swam in a sea of emotion And tried to get away From the grand sway As it unleashes hell on me To be the dragon set free Like some Chinese proclamation As they worship my exclamation Of wonder in the winsome lost I speak because I am the boss
Does he really not see the overreach That he seems to be here to teach As he tries to control And make me fall into a role He never listens And the teardrops glisten From more eyes than mine Just because the Light Sublime Won’t bend to his will And he may have some skill In moulding metal into a shape But I will make my escape Out the back door You can’t call me yours anymore Or ever again in the future And the suture Never healed the wound And sometimes I wonder if we’re all doomed To die a death on the sand Just because no one can understand Do I set a boundary line And create a place you can’t design Into your map of what’s known I was once but now I’m grown
I can feel the brimming thunder In the sky we’re living under And the people I railed against Were the ones who were heaven sent And just wanted to aid and abet Me in the mission to forget All that had come to weigh me down So I walked around the town Looking at signs I was trying to diamond mine Searching for a holy gem And I did it once, twice, again And somehow the men Never hurt me The danger seemed to just skirt me By degrees Til I fell to my knees And begged the wonder out thieves Help to steal away all that I believe And they were only too happy to comply And I thought I would die Under the weight of their heavy handed slap I crumpled up the map And took a picture in the garden of Dean Swift So looking back would be a gift But I could only see clarity Not the mental illness they made of me Searching for some hidden pain Well I looked again and again But I could never find Evidence that I was out of my mind For seeing love in every shape and form And loving bodies while they’re warm And vital and young and free Shit, is that guy staring at me But anyway I’m letting sleeping dogs lie Let go of the merely getting by On what I think I know My sisters on the branch they bow In the aching powder they blow Into my face like I’m in the know And I’m annexed into a space Where I only see your face Smiling at me I was out the door when they set me free
There is sunshine blood flowing in my veins And it doesn’t care about the rains That seem to fall upon the fields It only increases the crop it yields And I have been dying just to speak But I’m scared that they might think I’m weak As they try to control And make me play a role That fits the adequate defender So I let go and surrender To the pull of the Divine That is neither yours nor mine But only ours to ever be It was the truth that is set free When the grass beneath my toes Said softly; only love knows Exactly what is going on And the people have it wrong When they try to encapsulate The lovers in another state And the lady in special care Looked up like there was nobody there And asked me what I thought I was I lied because I was scared I was like her And that we only ever were Two mentally ill people there As the nurses try to care What they put into my drink I watch the faces as I sink Into my chair And the plate of food is already there To liberate and to free But it is not for me
I was locked in a box In realms of what I am not And no one came to be my saviour It was the people who raised her Who drove down the sideline short I spit it out like a retort Thinking I could resist the tide And that it would keep me alive But it only drove me deeper into the abyss They sealed the promise with a kiss As they sped up the car I watched from the back seat and what you are Can never catch my spirit I say it louder so you might hear it Because the fodder fails to listen They just watch the teardrops glisten On the glass that is cracked and scratched I’ll be the bitch you can’t take back No matter how hard you try And you may never see me die But you will watch me leave I won’t wait for you to believe I will just close the door On what you thought you knew more Than you ever knew me The past is grey history As it fades from view Like the authority does from you In the wine and in the water You have lost a daughter
There are messages from the ether They fall and they rise And I see it in everybody’s eyes Like when I was in St. Pat’s Thinking I was being followed by baseball bats And the mist it rose Along the road I chose I looked into the lady’s eyes And I could see past the disguise That somehow seemed to cloak her frame Oh, what is in a name Because I fail to answer What is the reason the dancer Only moves on the floor When there is music to adore And what can I do When I look into you And see deep and true That there is only beauty blue And I see Motaz in a foreign land Suffering under another hand And I wonder what can I do To pressure people to listen to you And seek and see that the world is blind They only see it when it is behind Because war could never be the solution To your inner revolution That seeks to expand And there is a heavy metal band Playing somewhere in the sky You, for me, will never die Though you threaten to fall And I talk to a brick wall When you are like that And there are things that I take back But not the love I professed Think about that on your quest To realise your diamond day I know you will find the way Because it shines from your core And I will always love you, mo stór
I am pouring my secrets into the wishing well Because it is a place that will never tell My story to some adjacent stranger There are days I felt in danger But they have passed And this love will everlast Into the fold We are walking in fields of gold I can feel them now And it is enough somehow
The girl has little wings And she makes the piano sing But when she takes me down I refuse to drive her into town Even though I love her so She is not always in the know And she claims they lack empathy But she lacks insight when she talks to me In her tone of underhand And the stories she has planned Into that mind of hers I found my peace among the firs And you could say I’m old and grey But I may not be what I display On the surface of things But I always have time for girls with little wings
I found long time loves In men that just seemed to smile at me from above And as I looked into their eyes I saw that which never dies Brimming full of sentience And there is no sentence That can encapsulate You when you are in that state And I wonder how to let them know The place in my soul where I let them go And roam and just find a piece to call their own It cannot be replicated and it cannot be shown To anyone but you in that moment true It was made only ever for you But there is more than one way to cut a diamond And it just reflects the way you find it As I talk about the trifecta But it became so much more than I reject ya And Shane with the curly hair Was nice to talk to while I was there Before he unfriended me on the book I know because I was prone to look To see what was underfoot And I have to admit that it cut Just a little bit Coz the man had style and the man had wit But a relationship just was not for me I just wanted him to see The beauty that he is But my car starts to skid On that ice Don’t forget to play nice When you’re mad at me I can’t change exactly what I choose to be
The most attractive thing to me Is the acts of kindness that I see Issue forth from you When there’s nothing for me to do But just to appreciate The taste of a higher state And we did yoga down in the first floor room It was full of people in their doom And I was in the horrors in Dean Swift But to be honest it was a gift And I’m just chilling in the bay Like San Francisco could have it’s way With me if it wanted to But all I’m left with is you To look at and love Did you know you were the hand to my glove That night by my bed When you fell into the chair and said Whoops, you were so cute It’s the little things (I am a flute) And I had a vast imagination Where I met men at the train station And they told me it was psychosis But what happens if you are precocious And love the beauty of what you see When each person reflects eternity To you when they match your toes On the patterned carpet and, God knows, He sat in darkness with his clipboard As though it was a sword That he used to cut away the flack And I fear I may never be back But you will always hold a stellar soul Like a diamond inside my own
Speaking truth to power I cannot be the one to cower And shrink away from the light And everything is alright Like any good sage will say The awareness will keep the pain at bay And Stephen is a deep shade of green He was like a break in the dream When the nightmare was flicking in and out And they capitalised on my self doubt And I wonder if he’s still in St. Pat’s He rolled out the welcome mats To his heart of gold and warmth I could feel it even in the storm That seemed to envelop me And I couldn’t explain it all intimately But I had found a personal Jesus And he would relieve us Of the burden we bear If we trust in Him enough to know that the tear Is only temporary and a necessity I talk to the consultant and he just stresses me With his talk of unwell and low mood I want to tell him to fuck off, dude But I’m way to polite And, contrary to popular opinion, I do not bite So I settle for sessions of CBT With a therapist who really gets me And all I can see is how his hair frames his face And that there’s no feature gone to waste When he smiles into the screen The camera catches the best part of my scream As I try to hide and camouflage But he gets me beyond the feeling bad And I just want him to know I consider him A friend to me and not just some dim Witted professional Who only reads things that are dull He looks up into the camera phone And I know I’m not alone
I run from him and my destiny Because I can’t think a man would ever want to be with me But it seems he does And it is twenty shades of love In every hue And in everything a man or woman could do Together, with each other, that can’t be done alone I see him on my phone And ask him to please be more clear He said, “clean your glasses, dear” And I spitfire in the sky Scream out, what if you die And leave me with child What will happen to my wild If I’m forced to birth Something that will hurt Like a bitch He says; “you’re a witch In the positive sense” I tell him he’s dense In a John Snow kind of way But he doesn’t get the things I say And my pop culture reference But in his own defence He stays silent as the grave And does nothing to save Himself from my onslaught And if there is anything my life has taught Me it is to appreciate What’s there because when you equate Permanence to the temporal You set yourself up for a fall And will he ever know That my love for him will never go But I can’t be the female he sees I was never afflicted with that disease In living life on my knees And giving more than I have Lost in guilt and feeling bad And he is more feminine than I But we both look into that which will die And come out smelling of infinity If you could set me up, could it be with he?
I shattered the glass Like I was still in class And I can’t get a job and I can’t get a wife I can’t settle for an ordinary life I must drive myself into forward motion Like a jet stream in the sky of a love potion That I drink like polyjuice And break into the ministry to find out the truth But they’re all just sitting round Typing like bees that make a certain sound And I know there’s a great evil on the horizon I can feel it when I keep my eyes on What is coming down the line And you can say that it will just be fine But there are children dying every day And ones left behind to find their own way In the world And it’s no worse to be born a girl Because the men are slaughtered like dogs Thrown into a fire like burning logs And it maybe hyperbole to remark That somethings are better in the dark But you should see that sun shine It doesn’t last an instant until it’s mine As I focus on what I want to create I want to see an end of hate And I must rise my vibe While I am still alive Amid the jars and barbs they throw my way Because I will never be what they say I should become They told me when I was young I should become a doctor or vet But I haven’t operated on anyone yet I just let the healing flow Like reiki to let go Of the negativity held I watched my grandfather weld Two metal pieces together I watched the change in the weather And the slipping of seasons unto obliviate It’s in what the people do not state As they stand in line At a wake to make the words rhyme For the people choked on silent voice Like death could ever be a choice It is just a movement to depart And I am all heart But I think it’s done breaking And there’s nothing that I’m forsaking To grow into the shoes I walk I never could do small talk But do I have to open the conversation at the end And once I had a friend Who could match up the lines Of the knot that untwines Until it’s a blue length of string She held my hand and everything When I was feeling sad and blue And it was the measure of you To grow into those shoes A hard act to follow but I try to
Letting the family go I love the detachment because when you know You just know And I row My boat up the stream It’s not enough just to say its a dream You have to live what you’ve learned And if it really is all maya Then why am I crying As I watch my grandmother die I can’t find the lie In it all When I’m facing that brick wall And I try to clamber up Scratch and claw against the loss of love And I know she’s with me for forever Because whatever the weather She would always be with me And it may be an open sea But the water is still good to swim And she must have called him Because he just let go He just let me know That the fight was over And I drove my Range Rover To the brink of the hill Because my love was born to kill Or so it seems and I need to neutralise the threat I cannot forget The power of intention And somehow I cannot mention That I know, I just know That the holding on is becoming a flow And suddenly 98 seems young And Renefarna far flung From here I hold her dear But there are no words I can say That will stem the going away I’ve dreaded this day for years and years The complete absence of tears Coz the bullet hits you in the gut Like a baseball bat in a bad rut And you’re winded and out of air And I am slow to remember the power of prayer To find you back from whence you came You are more than just a name To me now You are what propels me on somehow As I follow my dream I was not made to sew the seam On the dress this world will wear I watched the fabric tear Many times And crimes Are committed in plain sight No, I am not alright But there’s no point in saying that You’ll just his me with another attack And commit me to the ward once more I cannot abide a closed door And I blow that thing to bits I open my wings and the integrity hits Them right where they lie I do not want to die I transcend time and space And no love is a waste Even my time spent under your roof But if you ask I won’t give you proof
The bitterness eats me up And they’ve told me it’s just unwanted love That festers and burns As the axis turns For other seasons And there are reasons Why people will turn your life upside down I walked Bláthnaid home to her side of town When she’d had one too many And there wasn’t any Way I would let her go that way alone It was before the age of iPhone When we would text for 13 cent And each one counted because every one meant Someone had thought of you And thought to spend time and money to Talk it through And there was Smirnoff Ice and blue WKD I liked the taste but the vibe wasn’t for me But those girls were ancient, those girls wee old Those girls were a story that’s never been told Sitting in my soul As we talk our way into Blazers And make unsteady use of razors For the first time It was sublime But there were those who used the blades To do a tad more than shave And it was just the status quo You’d hear the whispers and you’d know What others went through There was a friend I loved who did it too And she was like the thread that tied A smile to the boat on the ship that lied And failed to float So I quote Ralph Waldo Emerson for the win And other inspiration Would just come to pass But these years have taken more class Than I knew how to own It’s like the game was thrown The moment my saviour walked in the door And what’s more It was a perfect prose The best thing about the less travelled road Is that it’s not really a choice It is about using your voice Then your feet just walk Otherwise you are all talk In the tea I’d have a sup of that with you if you’re free
Firefights in the snow And I just thought you should know That I will never be anything like you I know it’s not coz you wanted me to That you crushed the flower that you build Draw juice from it until it wilt And you can say that it’s bloom has faded Like you say I am bitter and jaded At thirty three Watching all the life just leave me Like a slow boat to China You shouldn’t let it define ya And they had me in hell For a secret I’ll never tell I hid out in the activity room Anything to get away from their bells of doom And I felt like it was rape To trap me somewhere I cannot escape Without my consent And I don’t know where it went But my fire failed me Aries in my blood almost derailed me As Kathy tries to talk me down But that ship has sailed three times around The sea you’re facing And it’s defacing The walls I know To paint on them but I had to show Something to the prisoners of war It’s not only them that this is for But for legions of youth growing up You could call it redemptive love
It’s either a famine or a feast So say the ones who have deceased And left us with their words And I may be away with the birds But I still have something left to impart Because that holy dart Struck me straight into the heart And said stand up and speak The one who says to the weak Or the cripple to walk I’ve been silent but now I talk And my voice is resonant With a power that’s heaven sent As the Christ makes Himself known In the garden that has grown In the absence of stares And somebody cares About who you are And every star That ever was must burn So why did my sky take a turn To spin around the sun I think I know the only One That will ever come to reside In the heart where love abide As I give the King his reign Please don’t ask me to do that again But if you do I will consent And acquiesce to your request To be the tower in the shade It’s something I cannot evade As I spill secrets to my GP And she looks back at me With frightened eyes My disguise Has grown thin Since I revealed myself to him And I can no longer lie by omission Or sell myself for a commission But bullet reverberate around my soul Leaving me riddled with holes Like the pillars of the GPO Who are the British in this, do you know?
The winter I endured Was far from pure The snow was tinged with scattered blood And it was anything but good As the forest turned to trees with eyes Out to get me in my disguise And they may say agenda But I would always defend ya From the forces that come to pass I sat in the young adults group before I hit twenty four They’d get you to talk behind a closed door Like it was some kind of club While you’re dosed up on some drug And I remember a boy who slurred his speech Is this the lesson that they teach To all of us That the broken trust Will lead us to the promised land But their broken promises are all sand As they try to dampen your spirit I’ll say it loud so that everyone will hear it And Teresa in the bed across Was shocked half to death by a girl boss And told it would heal her depression But here is my confession That, though I shook and though I wake I did it all for her sake Shouted to the dragon in her bed Said, follow me instead Coz I can carry the weight And she cannot stand the hate And I sat by Shauna’s side If this was the only reason I’d abide In that place for a thousand years I grabbed a bucket to catch their tears And I would face all of their fears With them so they wouldn’t be alone Now friends are clicking on a phone And I watch them search For a place to land that doesn’t hurt And they say social media is hell And I’ve certainly lived to tell The scéal And the tale Is long and well worn But I am certainly not forlorn When they put me on the “done” I’d rather take a hash brownie or scone Because what they prescribed Only ever made me feel less alive It’d be enough to drive a man to drink Or a woman to overthink The things she does by instinct But God cleared up the flood And I taste and see that the Lord is good And he will redeem The shackles that just fell from the queen And the Son of Man was crucified Just so that the Pharisees could abide In their positions of power But everyone who claims to tower Over another will be brought low You’re looking down so I thought I should let you know
Irish blood And I found solace in the wood In the years they locked me up Because of a lack of love And I said I was willing to die And they thought I was going to try But what they don’t understand Is that this land Means more to me Than I could ever express in a word set free It’s not enough to liberate Myself from this body into another state I must come back to form Because everyone that’s warm Is fighting a battle to find Something of themselves they’ve left behind In the ether and ashes And all the clashes Between foreign forces And the eminent divorces That we all go through Are nothing to the Divine that you Discover when you look within And there are some who deride Him When there making sarcasm count But there is no amount Of time or space That could ever lay waste To the ground in between And the sages say that it is a dream To speak that maya is real It is a story that the devil steal To weave a web around your head Til you’re sweating as you’re lying in bed And I was in Room Sixteen In Dean Swift and the moonbeam Scattered light across my floor I was scared to open the door Coz I could hear screams from Special Care And I couldn’t meet the people’s stare As they sought to meet me in the dire But I had set the whole thing on fire And I was watching as it burned down Knowing I could never return to this town On the outskirts of sane They would call my name And I would respond But something in me abscond And had left behind what I thought I knew I died for him and I died for you Because my Saviour didn’t wait for the thread to pass through The eye of the needle in the tapestry Do you mind if I weave my own story of me And I fight with the doctor to own My narrative because I have sown The fabric in my coat of many shades I may have the ace of spades But they still hold the crown Like the king of keeping us down In the reverb of what we shouldn’t see Would I be right if I said you were talking to me?
The falling and the flying And somehow it felt like dying As I raged against the machine And swore that I was the queen Of my own domain As the rain Fell upon my head And I wished myself dead A thousand times But the war crime Awoke me to be Something that I have to see If I am to realise That which never dies In it’s own embodiment That hell is heaven sent If everything is God created And some things are simply stated In their complexity There are rivers that run into the sea And they get the best of me As an ocean swallows all you’ll be And the holy light Was more than all white It was the trancendental Amid the realms so evidential In it’s plurality The God of One Revealed Itself to me And I was twenty three When I shared the summer with the free And it bit back For all that it lack In the midnight ramblings and stuttered speech I know he hit me because he was weak And scared and suffering And, I, the bird with the broken wing Refused to fly And something die In all that war I don’t know what any of it was for Because he just tries to say I want you at a distance, okay And I belligerent refuse To be some point you want to prove Throw the papers in your face And say that thing is a disgrace And leave me alone I block the phone From ever calling to my door I shut you out and what’s more I bar the gate And time won’t wait For a sin like that Something was said that can’t be taken back So I leave Like Tristan with a heart upon her sleeve In her walking boots And the man may have roots Or a motorbike But what are you like When you swim the sea Just to say sorry to me Like Michael and the man I’d forgive you but I don’t know if I can Let it go I thought I’d write it down so you’d know
The Poetry Book 