The great open awareness calls to me Should I let it set me free And am I beacon for the age Do you hear it when you read it on a page Coz I’ve always seen myself as a Nobel prize winner But also as some kind of sinner But I am shedding skin So I turn round and look at him And he’s just watering his plants While I chop pomegranates and eat ants And listen to Hozier through my earphones If it was the first time he didn’t feel alone Would he have a space for me If I get famous and show him infinity And we’d kiss as the ash would burn Like a Wednesday that could never learn How to do exactly what it’s told I’d look into his eyes and my cards would fold Like that couple in the painted veil Why does my courage always fail When the winter pulls in the gate And if I’m always late Why am I so obsessed with time Something that could never be mine As it pours out the window It eats everything but awareness eats him though Like death at the door When it comes to take someone you love more Than life itself And mental health Is just an excuse so I don’t have to face The lack of her in her face When her spirit has passsed Soared above all that had kept her fast Tied to a body in form And though it may not be warm He soul is cracking embers I don’t know what it is that remembers When the mind forgets It’s in the ocean and the sea begets All that reigns supreme Don’t tell a grieving person it’s just a dream
The shattering happened without me knowing And I was only growing When she put the frightened on me So Jesus turned the brightness on me As I sat in class, sweating bullets There was a dream and something pull it Down from where it lay like a veil over my eyes And suddenly the disguise Had been rendered untrue And I could see myself as you And do I forgive that “fucking bitch” Who set the dogs on me like I was a witch It was as though the demons caught flight And I was set alight In front of a room of peers And the end nears I can feel it like death on my coat Has she come to gloat Now that I am old and brought low Why does the fear of her never go Like she had bought a piece of my soul And without it I can never be whole Now in the late summer of my life I refuse to be someone’s wife And have their child Because something wild Screams at me to run Everytime someone Gets anywhere near close But somehow the ghost Of he just follows me like shadow And I see us in the meadow Are we twin flames Or just two never known names That spiral into their own crescendo And his innuendo Use to set my heart a-flutter When he’d talk about how he’d melt like butter On a summer’s day But it wasn’t that way He just gave up what we were Then blamed me for the war That ensued Are you just a cool dude That can never be touched If you are, this thing is fucked
The love that poisons me Is also the one that sets me free And I can never be the equation That you are so highly rating When you left me to the abyss And the boy I’d love to kiss Is somewhere far away And that day Is a picture in time And the reason and rhyme Of another force Is just an amplitude for divorce And they snapped the chains on me Handcuffs they said I’d be Grateful for in the future But the suture Just burns in the place they cut And he said I was in a rut When I’d left what had held me down And no longer craved the white gown And the walk down the aisle It looked more like the green mile That some criminal would do In fear of what I’d lose in you So I just breathe And accept that I need Something I can never have And the feeling bad Is just the price I pay For loving an ancestor of Christ that way
The doors opened and the light walked in And it was everything I ever thought of Him Though the dragons seemed to know where I flew So they torched the home I thought I knew But then I found you And everything cascaded into a perfect heartfelt sigh And there is no goodbye In our arching back and wonderwild I look into your eyes and the case is filed Away for later I know you date her But I forgive the storm Though I know she keeps you warm And I wish her well Though the pair of you put me through hell When you would defy The part of me that would not die In the vacuous of a desert storm If it’s the heat that keeps you warm Then why does it also burn my skin Just thinking of her with him Makes my mind go mad And he just thinks I am sad And lost in my own abyss But then I see them kiss From a fragment frozen in time That I came across down the line And like Juliet It was too early seen unknown and known too late And was it only because he was unavailable or barely so That I let the might in me go And allowed myself to creep on his terrain Now it’s all rain And I’ve exiled myself from that town Because all I see is a white gown On her, on me On repeat infinitely And I wonder do you have a child by now And if that means something somehow That we will never get to be She’s the world and I’m just me
I don’t spill my secrets to strangers at the bar I just drive in my car Waving to people that I might know But I don’t know how to let you go So I furrow away parts of myself Then leave them on the shelf For someone to see It’s drinking whiskey internetly As I slur my speech in the poem And talk about how you roam Fields afar And that star Looks just like you What a night too They’re all out twinkling light And anyway I’m not alright As they have to help me from my chair As I reach back for what was there An eon ago I walk away from this slow
I saw her from a distance She cut a familiar shape And I know she just wants to escape But the prison is more than these four walls And the laughter is caged in the halls And I wish I could talk to Stephen again He really was the best of men And there was something he said that rings true That there are some people who die even if you Really want to help It’s like when you hear the dog let out a yelp When it’s been kicked Then you hear someone call her a bitch And it just reminds me of your name And how people say; “it’s such a shame” And how they didn’t when she was alive They just said “she’s troubled” and the subside Caught her on the wrong side of the shore But I throw her an oar From over here And though she may be gone, my dear She is also still in the same place I just remember the beauty of her face And the staunch of her soul Even the greatest waves must roll And know you’re not alone Nor are you far from home When you are in your own heart There’s something the demons can’t tear apart
They think that you’re just some face I used to know But that’s not how we go In our immortal bond And her and I abscond Into an infinity As we put it on hold infinitely And he meets me at the gate He didn’t make me wait But he pulled out like the sea Til we’re far away from eternity But how does consciousness know It cannot let go Until it tries And no one really dies They just change into a different form When the body is no longer warm There is a heat of a different sky A furnace that burns away the lie And they talk about heaven and hell But the difference between them is someone who wishes you well When you try to escape I got superman’s cape And pretended I could fly But we all know the reason why And ashes fall from the fire As the people tire Of my kind of shit But I think it’s just that they don’t understand it And I try to explain It just makes it rain On the fields so green Are we all that has ever been And they try to change the constitution For a reason that does not hold the solution And I’ve lost faith in halls of power As the axis tower Over all it reigns And the blood stains Are on all of our hands And fuck it, the boy likes heavy metal bands So let him just be as he is But I wish I could seal it with a kiss
The ripples of the Balrog comes up to catch me It was as though God did unlatch me From the dream But then the queen Decided she wouldn’t tolerate My insurrection to equate Myself with being free Free from the power she had over me So I rebel, rebel And it’s hell, hell Because the tendrils curl around my limbs And I reach out for him He tells me I’m crazy And though his words don’t faze me I can’t deny they have weight And serve to explain the hate I seem to be lying under Her thunder Was the rumbling of my years And her tears Were a flow I could not stem I think it’s over but it floods again And I’m there with my boat and bucket Saying what the fuck, it Just will not do To try and follow the path of you When my own feet have always felt so much more like home And it was only together that we roam Not towing the line And saying I’m fine With a smile Because I haven’t been for a while Not since she departed this earth I can’t explain the way it hurt When I watched her body lie On the bed about to die And I know she’s not there She’s floating somewhere in the air Above me And I know she loves me Still Because death cannot kill The eternal I break then write about it in my journal And it was my salvation Not my looks, not my education Not the pews Coz the bad news Always filters through Even when you’ve prayed your little heart out, you Can’t stop the tide And it beats the shore as long as its alive Like a heart in the chest Or a friend that knows me best
I sat on the couch and cried It was as though someone had died Coz she’s never coming back When she does she just attack Me for being what I am The door closes with a slam On my toes And it’s like anything goes Coz she needs her freedom More than she needs me to see them In a positive light But some of it is just shite Coz I can see though what you’re putting out And there may be self doubt But there is also a caustic fibre And I know that inside her Something burns a fuse Like it’s everything that she could lose With one single breath of trust And he is all lust In her eyes Not the disguise That he wears As the fabric tears On eighteen And the dream Is an insubstantial phantom that cannot contain The sky when it starts to rain It must just surrender to the water And I to being a daughter Of what I didn’t decide I wish I didn’t have to hide Behind the folds of the sheets Every time we meet In case she might know The rose garden is where the thorns grow
I died a death and it’s not something you can forget So I’m not about to just let Someone dictate who I am All because there is a plan We must fall into Like a lie of red and blue When I am pristine And totally outside the dream He’s got an iron fist And wants to know the people that I’ve kissed So he could trap me in a word But it’s everything that I heard In the nothingness that you are And every star Must learn to burn in the dark Some kind of mix of dust and quarks That encapsulate a snare And just because I was not there Doesn’t mean I didn’t care About your road to peace But it’s already ceased In me And letting you go was being set free From some kind of obligation You just want to pull into the station Every night like clockwork time But a good woman will never be mine I’m out to be beyond that trap And I’m sure she will let you map The avenues of her As you paper over what we were I fail to give an adequate reply I guess that’s how you know it’s goodbye
I don’t get to call her a whore Because feminism loves her more And it would just be a slut shame To mark her by that name But somehow I feel she sold out To paper over your doubt And build a bridge with you That she would stand on too And you are on the brink Of what I daren’t think To be true But I can’t be that for you Not anymore Every closed door Is an opening to something else And your mental health May be a heavy weight But I don’t give in to hate Like the people sing I believe in Martin Luther King And what he said about a low down trope And I’m glad she helps you cope Like your drug of choice And you try to silence my voice Because it is too much truth for you You let me in, what do you want me to do Just lie to you to keep you sweet I saw you the day that we meet And the garden burst into bloom Like I was the only one in the room And we spoke some words Like they were the only ones you’d ever heard And your eyes looked into the dream You know the one where I’d never been And I feel you crawl over my skin There’s tingles in the rhythm of sin And when I gaze into your eyes You scrunch your nose in mock surprise And I think “he just doesn’t get it” Then he tells me to forget it Coz there’s no pay at the end of the day Did you think I was gonna give it away?
Boiling the kettle sitting on the stove All your eyes ever do is rove Over the arches and around the bends I close my heart and the message hits send And it never gets past her gate Because her love is born of hate Or at least of fear The arrow quivers when it gets near To the point where it hits home The target and I are all alone In the mists of what you can’t control I didn’t ask for you heart, I didn’t ask for a soul I just asked if it was okay to give you mine And say that it’s you and I for all of a time Is that a paradox You’re the one who undid the locks Around the chains of me And the rains of sea Come to drown the land I know you think you understand But you’ve missed the crucial point And that’s why your nose is out of joint In the articulate Did you hear the click of the gate When I walked out the door Left the garden and what’s more I condemned it to darkness again Until I can find the light in men
It was a dark night fairytale the day that we met And I cannot forget The ages and the eave runs It was by the light of a hundred thousand suns That we were born And then we were torn I’ve been scared to revisit that time In case you might know my crime And I’ve been eviscerated For the things I barely stated Stunned into silence By their violence As I try to annunciate All that caused me to run from that date And the only solace I find Is by expositioning the mind On a piece of paper And I don’t hate her But I don’t love her either Not the way the webs deceive her And cause her to lash out at me Then tell me that I am free To go my own way What is it that they say You don’t know it til you’ve lost it And it was earnings but I didn’t cost it
The Poetry Book 