There are tiny tremors that rock the boat But all it seems to do is float As it engages on the rocky sea As people wonder what the fuck is up with me And I can’t explain That I just come down with the rain And the pain Is sweet as the music Andrew plays As he sings away my days Into a crescendo of perfect purpose And the rigmarole seems like a circus Everybody loves But those gloves Don’t fit me anymore So I just shut the door On them And some part of me says Amen
Somehow there is a starship far away And it is hidden in every day In the midst of meals and courses In the midst of screaming fights, divorces And I call that love, it’s a futile road To ever carry that heavy load They call life And every wife Knows the weight Of hiding in her husbands hate As he trudges through the snow Pretending he is in the know And I’m taking apart an institution Because it is in my constitution And I always wanted to be a newly wed So I could share somebody’s bed But that dream has faded And I’m jaded At thirty three Like I swore I’d never be I’d follow every dream to its resolution But now it seems the only solution Is to let it go And rest and know That every cloud has its silver lining And I’m one who is undefining What it means to be woman and grown I plunge into the unknown And come out smelling of roses I didn’t realise that I chose this Over a life of steady familiarity Rooted in the ground like a deep tree So steady in its being But there’s something else I’m seeing In the mists of time It’s you and I and we are fine Just as we are Behind every black hole is a hidden star
Run to the states And they’re asking who it is she dates And I’m so focused on People being gone That I can’t see them when they are here And, Lord knows, I hold them dear But I just cannot contort into shapes The air in my lungs escapes As I try to be the solid stance Then a beautiful boy asks me to dance And I say no because he wants a kiss And I know I would miss If I ever thought to try I just wonder what will happen when we all die And western society is obsessed with youth It always seemed a little uncouth At a three day wake You’d swear the dead would make the ground quake And join in the festivity All joking aside they are still with me I feel my grandmother’s breath against my cheek And when I feel weak I know her prayers save my life I don’t think she knew the strife I walked through when she was alive But I let the veil fall and our love survive The transition out of form And she may not have been warm When she lay so still But her spirit never will Grow cold as the grave She is the power that save Me from my own mistakes I let her help and the fever breaks
Life is a tremulous thing And a bird with only one wing Flies in a circle if she flies at all I just remember running into the hall And screaming bloody blue murder As I woke up from a sleep I had been held in the bed By a weight I could not keep And they all held like snooker balls Atoms of air until they all fall And weigh on me like turf But I am released and I surf The wave out of the room Imagine arms catching me with the sound of doom And my parents come to me in a flash And I’m crying, trembling and I can’t put the genie back In the bottle now that he’s been set free Every time the phone rings my heart beats against the tree I use to hold myself together Because the weather Was unpredictable and strange And no matter how stable it would always change As I lose a grandmother to the going away And I must not cry because she could not stay But my ears are pulsing with the noise And the din rattles bones like they are play toys As I always expect the next mute surrender I gave in to always remember The torture of losing love to the emptiness Now the darkness starts to dress Me in its own clothes and cloak Everything around me in the bespoke Am I just reading the dial When people look at me I fake a smile So they don’t look to hard And see the facade behind the business card I hand out to everyone who wants to get in touch And you’d never know I love you so much When I just stare into your soul Every wave is beautiful but they all roll Into the one And every man is somebody’s son And deserves respect and compassion Even when he sings about an assassin That lives in his heart She aimed true though and took the part He had been protecting out of the dark And I bet he was the better mark In the end I’d like to think she knows I’m a friend But all bullets find their way home I guess that’s why she’s complete and I am alone With my own front facing tremor I don’t think I’d want to be on the good ship Endeavour Even if I was to stake a claim And somehow make a name For myself in the western based media But its not all what they feed to ya As babies cry for mother they’ll never see I just don’t want that to ever be me
Me and Power had a war of wills And he flexed his skills In my direction But my selection Is to reside where I’ve always been And sit in the seat of a goddess or queen Somewhere in the avenue of soul I wander the grounds and I just roll With the wave they want to crash I’ve had better nights on the lash As he forces a pill into my hand Like he could inopportune the ocean with sand And he draws waifs on the beach And comes to teach Me about the dragons that breathe fire On the weak and never tire To seek out souls to ravage and dement He doesn’t realise I never went Away but to come again And I am not afraid of men Or of beasts that gnaw What’s trembling me is the great thaw As it steals aspects of my glacier I am the North Pole and I need ya To stem the flow of climate change But I feel the days get strange As I see the ferocious that eats her And I know it wants to delete her And she senses it too She’s not mad, she’s just looking into The abyss and it’s looking back I look at the jenga I stack And I know this house is gonna fall And I’m not up for playing hard ball With someone who thinks he knows Why the woman is on the road I just flash him a glance I think he knows there’s no second chance
The darkest shame is that I followed the clues That I thought would lead me to you And there were blue chalked streets and bears They say the fabric of my sanity tears When I believe in secret tomes And become one who roams The avenues of misty eyed tears As the date nears And I cannot bear the truth So I pulverise my own youth By putting myself in their hands Now after slipping sands Have run the hourglass down I still feel like I want to drown Some where in all this emotion It’s as though the road is an ocean I cannot climb into And it becomes a sprint to The door And I couldn’t have loved them more But somehow I feel the wilderness in my bones And I refuse to answer my two phones When they call out to me And I could’ve missed our history In the avenue I let bleed Because I know you need Who I used to be But its just that they have destroyed me In their attempts to keep the dark away I just lay in the bay And it was not San Francisco Or some kind of cool fuckin’ disco It was like being drawn on a string So he could live on everything He ever thought he was And I take the hit because I want him to be sky high And not afraid to die A death on the floor I just want to prove I love him more
The Achilles Heel Is that I know how you feel And I spilt those words Not because I’m away with the birds But because I wanted you to know You’re not alone when you move slow Like a glacier cutting through rock And I pretended to be something I’m not And there’s only so long I can keep it up Like the sound of you and her making love It echoes in my mind I try to leave it behind But it’s imprinted like a dice That rolled on me for being too nice To you when you would have devoured All of the women that you empowered With your subtle soul And a boy becomes man when he gets old But I don’t think I like Being the wrong side of your spite And when you bite Your teeth sink in That is why I am not with him
I knocked the wall down with the force of my kick And there are people who say he’s a dick But I rebel against that categorisation And do my own investigation And after years of sifting through pages I’ve realised that my heart rages To be let out of its cage And make love to the man I found in a past age And I was eighteen and six months older And he was a man just rolling a boulder Up a hill, he could never reach the top I was pretending to be something that I am not And somehow he saw the queen In between the subterfuge and the dream I left the door wide open when I walked out So that my intentions would not be in doubt You can follow me anywhere I go I’ll let out in, you know He held me close and I fell slow Into his arms And none of his charms Are wasted But what I tasted Were his innocent eyes Somewhere in between the disguise And now everybody knows That he’s the one my soul chose
She brushed past me like I meant nothing at all To her and I stare at the wall Something has erected between us Have we wrecked it or did we dream it And she is ethereal and she is true But dare I spill my heart to you Because I can see all your flaws And the places where the sun thaws All your ice into fluid water And no daughter Is exactly like what has come before I open the door And you’re still behind it I know I’m aloof but I wouldn’t mind it It’s just a detachment I cultivate So no one can read my state And who I am Just dropped outside the plan When I was fourteen years old And wouldn’t do what I was told I collapsed on the floor And an open door Let me out of the dark And yet I still bear the mark Of those two months in depression It is my ardent confession That it was for love of loss That I took up my cross And walked with it to Calvary I know he didn’t mean to startle me When he just saw my truth And I may have been a youth But I am also ancient, old Must I wait until the story is told To reveal the core Beyond all the “I love you more” I just want him to know exactly who I am And Kilglass may never win Sam But I give my heart and soul to the team In the years I’d build a dream Til a voice on the sideline Puts me on for a minute of time And the embarrassment colours my skin Like talking on the phone to him When he pulls the rug I shared out from under me And if he’s setting me free I’m gonna fly away Not wait around for what he’s gonna say About my season If women are love and men are reason Give me compassion any day And let the rest just fade away
We were the kings and queens of Longford town When we wandered around And we would slip away to the mall Or the shopping centre, shall We make this dice roll I never found my soul In any of the boys I met Til I found you in a state of regret Mired by your own burning timber But the flames warm my hands and the cinders Throw light upon my darkened frame What did you say your name Was Because It was a beautiful echo Is it something that we wreck though When we fight and storm Ten years later and what once was warm Now burns my skin So I close the door on him Is it something that I regret? No, but I still cannot forget The sound of his breath As he drew in a gasp As I twirl the asp Between my thumbs I really thought you were the one But you ruled yourself out Of that qualification and my mouth Can’t seem to hold in the truth That I loved you in our youth So I just cut the line And if you want to call me that’s just fine But you won’t reach me on that number And if we were younger We could chalk it up to our age Now my blackboard is this page As I write you over and over And I don’t even know her So I keep my financial distance And your resistance Is not needed, my friend The beginning of this was the end
The desire to be alone And I throw away my fuckin phone I let the number go dead So if you call you’ll get a dial tone instead Not that you do Not that I expect that of you I shut off the facebook and the gram I hope you understand I close all avenues of communication So that your elation Cannot perforate My darkened state As I lean into who I am And the plan Is just to grow my wings My heart sings It’s own refrain And the pain Is like the feathers bursting from my skin Oh, the power that is within And I know my friends May need me to make amends In a future state But I cannot ignore this date As it announces itself inside me And I feel I have to hide me From all seeing eyes But to be myself is just a disguise That no one seems to recognise And the lies Are just that the true Is something which issues from you Unselfconsciously Oh, what he did to me!
Everybody abandoned ship And I felt the guns equip Themselves with a welt of ammunition And I was in no fit condition To defend myself from their pleas That I must live my life on my knees But I feel a change a grow And if you weren’t there you wouldn’t know So, I just talk to Kevin And the number eleven Still rings true Do I just let it happen to you That divine death in the soul I walk to the edge of the earth bowl And the mists encase the sea There’s a Loch Ness Monster in the vicinity And it’s staring at me Do I run Do I go get my gun To kill what’s just unknown And when the birds have flown Will there be anything left He cut me to the quick and he was deft
I’ve been blowing off steam And you were just a dream Now I have no interest in your lie As you try to be something for which I’d die You throw lines across the screen But I am what I’ve always been And I offered you my sacred heart Because you make the pain look like art And I’d love to draw On the blank pad of a great thaw But you recede into the ashes And the storm front clashes With itself on the verge of a thunderclap You were like finding treasure on a map All well and good but not the real thing And I know you know how to sing But you are no pied piper to tune Me to the rhythm of being in the room When you announce your engagement It would only cause enragement On my behalf So I think I’ll skip that laugh And go off on my own And my spirit has grown To inhabit the form And I was so warm To you when you met And you so cold when you say you forget I ain’t got time for that And you may want your hat Back from whoever stole it But it is not a role I roll with So take up your cross and follow the line I’m okay if you’re not mine
She fears her own death I can hear it in her burning regret For all the years she spent in the dark And I cannot lie, the splinter made a mark When it was inserted into my side And I can no longer hide From my destiny It was the best of me That she dragged to the floor When she withdrew her adore And replaced it with a forest fire But I never tire Of revelling in my independent spirit I told you the truth but did you hear it And I’ll only say it three times Once, twice but the last is a strike on your crimes And I break the hold she thought she had Because I became the something bad She couldn’t bear to look at real And there is a steal You can never get a hold of And call it love And desecrate the word What was it that I heard You say that day But I am going away And I won’t be back So take up all that you lack And build a bridge so you can get over it Because I have a standard and I will never lower it To please the baying wolf So I let the darkness engulf Me in it’s flames And I may not be mentioning any names But I think you know who you are You missed me when you aimed for that star
The wringing of hands Over the slipping of sands As the hourglass pours Through open doors And claims to know a shape I watched the prism escape From the bounds of the light Refracted into colour that split the fight In me into seven hues A splintered version of paying my dues As they break my back With the things that they lack Always hitting me with the weight as it goes slack And telling me they do it “for my own good” As if being lost in the wood Was a bad thing or even a choice Do you know how to silence a voice With your noise and your din And I hung up the phone on him When he said goodbye I know you’ll die Someday, somewhere And I can’t find the will to care They way you want me to So I sacrifice what I had with you And let the wolves take me You call me fake, we Fight on the line And I say this is the last time I’ll ever give you access To that particular spin on my praxis Of indelible truth And they venerate truth Because it seems far from the sea But I live the eternity Of the present Now They tell me I must compromise somehow So I cut them loose And hang from the dial of my own truth
I want to break out and show them all the truth The wisdom of my misspent youth That always tries to contain The pulverising rain That echoes in the din What is within When what is without Becomes the whole mouth That you use to speak on Someday this will all be gone And we will be just ash and dust And broken trust That avalanche that you try so hard to avoid You chase down people, you chase down boys As they make me do what they say But I walk away From all they offer And the coffer Is empty Oh, things I should have known when I was twenty
Jack and me someday in the stars Belting out music as we’re chasing cars And I followed him down an avenue I just wonder what he’s going ta do As he flashes that smile at me And I know it will be a while til I see What he’s got going on under the hood He seems kinda bad but I know he is good As he offers his hands to me at will Then moved my own with dexterous skill Until the both are intertwined And I hardly know what’s his or what’s mine And the autumn fades the colours of leaves And he’s all mysterious or would you believe As he waits at the step of the door that I love I think I’ve been gifted from God above With the beauty of this connection Are we a constellation in the northern direction To take note of what we leave behind And I wonder if I am out of mind To go on hearing your voice in my soul What are the waves to do but roll
The irrepressible nature of our friendship It keeps on coming back It’s not about all the towers we’ve built Or the modicum we lack Coz I see the stars in shapes and places See it reverberate on faces As everything comes shining down I’m just up the road now you live in town And we’re far away Though we used to play Together at the edge of fields Now summertime’s the way it yields To the storm on the western front It’s not just the season or the time of the month It’s in clouds that gather a while And I risk the thunder to see you smile An eon away And I’m glad you stay Though it terrified me to contemplate The idea of you in that state It’s in all my nightmares And it’s me that it scares When I wake up in the morning I look outside and the sky is storming Would you ever believe In me carrying less than it all on my sleeve And you sigh And say your own kind of goodbye And I try To make you see the sun That shines at the heart of everyone You disagree And most of all what you say to me Has me running like silver thread Pooled like a mothball in my head Oh, the mountain of you Do you think it could be in sight of us two Where we see the horizon Smiling now that we’ve got our eyes on It’s effervescent glow There is little that I show But one thing that is there for sure I’ve never found anything so pure As you and I Please don’t die Til our time, love I hug you coz you were sent from above Like a steady angel to my side You breathe in and I abide In the place I’ve almost been The realm of the unseen The place no hand can touch Is where I love you, oh, so much
As I fight to stand still I am bowed under the will Of a force greater than me And it’s like a river set free I was never born of eternity But the temporal mists of time Til they gradually gave way to the forever that’s mine And I can’t resist the tide That struggles to keep me alive In the sea where the dead float And the people build a moat Around the castles they own Could you really say that you’re full grown If you still keep the flaws Of an ice that never thaws Like splinters in your side I let go of the war and I abide
I was trapped in a chasm of my own making And there’s no telling what you’re forsaking When you let the riverbed run itself And label me with poor mental health For daring to see the truth of the matter It’s about facing your demons or calling me a mad hatter And Power is thin and lost I get the sense he paid the cost For his education And now his profession is elimination Of anything like a shoot of green But he doesn’t see the roots in between The folds of soil He tells me who I am and my blood starts to boil Psychosis or manic depression But it is my confession That I have never known an altered state In anything except the boy that I date On the sly And it’s all getting by In the rocky shore Could you not close the door When I let you in Because you are not him And I need to be open to The water that is flowing through
I found beauty in the trauma And the flora and fauna Were hidden from me In the dark forest of history And she enclosed me with a snare It was almost as if I wasn’t there When she sent the splinter into my side Did she really not want me to be alive Because she did her best to trump the card Did she realise she made things so very hard And I was just a teen But I wanted to exit the dream By any ways and means And I’m sewing a dress but the seams Keep busting and they won’t fit And there are no boys I want to hit On anymore The dark expanse was the door Into a greater purveyance And the conveyance Was suffering and pain Til I opened my arms to the rain And instead of getting wet A sun broke that I cannot forget In my darkest night I became the light Of the only and ever one If you feel you are coming undone Then you are on the right track And somehow I cannot go back To what I was I know this because I have tried And I hide My new found skin With everyone except with him He just touched me paper thin And I realised destiny was a sin I long to make with his touch And I love him so very much Though he may never know I thought he should so I let the bird go And fly across the sea To where he lay in grey mystery Just pondering a solace But it was a volatile Explosion in the moment of us And though it hurt I still trust In the infinity that we are If you burn then let that star Combust in its own atmosphere That’s how you know that God is near
There is a feast that keeps alive And there were times I didn’t want to survive The aching pull of forever As it dragged me to another endeavour Far across the sea And New York just wasn’t me When I found myself on its streets But there is no one that it meets On a level playing field So I follow the wind and I yield On Flatbush avenue I’d never felt so black and blue Walking towards the Brooklyn Bridge Like it was Hacksaw Ridge And the forest had enclosed Me and the path I chose It was dark and serene And something screamed to wake the dream Into the boundlessness of true life I will never be a wife Over the love of you But I will be your One if you want me to He just sighs and looks away And there is nothing left to say On the phone to keep him there And I hear him swear Silently under his breath His monotone sings of resentment and regret And it blisters my skin like a poison chalice It’s almost like I can sense the malice That brews underneath And someone calls me the Messiah on the street And I wonder if I emanate that charm Or if I should ring the alarm That keeps me safe from harm They call it medication I call it the train station That docks opposite ports And there is a divorce Somewhere in our history But it doesn’t envelop the mystery That you always are I look up and you’re my North Star
The worst thing about it is she thinks she’s a friend to me When she was the reason I was set free From all of the chains, from all of the binds I look at them and they are out of their minds Thinking they can contain An ocean in a sea of rain As it’s pouring down What would you do if I drown In that holy water No longer foe, no longer daughter Just some girl you used to know I know you are sad so I’m taking it slow Slowly as a ribbon untied The fading away that’s before your eyes As it all falls to pieces What exists when the world ceases?
She keeps the gate between here and the other world And I know I seem just like a girl Having an existential crisis But all of my vices Are my greatest strengths Why did I bother to tell her where it went Like some kind of suicide That happened while I was still alive I saw the scene And realised it was a dream That we were walking through And I opened the door right in front of you As I pointed out the way the flaws Are how the ice thaws Out in an age of snow And glaciers that move so slow I will not let go But I must meet this part of me I thought I needed help but really I just needed to be free To explore and name The source of my secret shame As it plays out on a page The book of me and the rage I kept inside But the part of me that I hide Is the best thing I own And I know it wasn’t shown On my face that day in the clinic But I’m not in the game just so I can win it I am here for all of you And I want you to know I’ve walked through the trenches too And made my way out So if you live in self doubt Let the mirage escape Like wind from a balloon in the shape Of a dog or tree I wouldn’t tell you if it hadn’t happened to me
There is power in this moment And I feel it when I own it And let the pain go Like the sky just lets the snow From its grasp Because no cloud can last In a frozen form And when the days get warm All that ice will melt So it goes with how I felt In the midst of the blackest night But the dawn came and I was alright As I pondered suicide And what it means to be alive That may have been eons ago But it leaves its mark on you, you know And I just want to let anyone know who trudges That there is a peace that never budges And it’s to be found right where you are You don’t have to journey to a star To find your own burning strength I used to wonder where it went As I hid out between the lines So that they couldn’t define Me as mentally ill Or someone with a dysfunctional will I am forever free And just because the night visited me Doesn’t mean I don’t know the sun It all collapsed into one And I could see that duality Is only there to bring out the best of me When I don’t know who I am I close my eyes and trust in God’s plan
If I don’t write it now I never will Why does our skill In that department go unrewarded Like an email that remains unforwarded And we conform to all kinds of stereotype When we step out of bounds it really isn’t nice As we’re met with the lashings of society Come on now, it can’t be just me Because to be female means meek and compliant Not subject to feelings that are violent And rude and loud and unfettered In an avenue that cannot be bettered And there is so little discourse so I take to the web To find out what I’m missing instead But all this passion in the astral plane May be in vain If I cannot make real All the beauty that I feel In our encounter as we roll the dice And I am so much more than nice When it comes to red and blue Cold meets warm and me and you In the winter of my life I found something beyond the strife And I may never be a wife But I’m letting go the night As the only place to share I step forward and I dare To break the silent vow That we all follow somehow In case we would betray Ourselves and what we’ve put away For safe keeping But I amn’t sleeping When I cover the sin The simple joy of me and him
I know that he and I Will always be one here, we will never die Like all bodies are destined to But I found heaven in you And it’s something that cannot be taken away Not even when comes the day That the great forgive must let us go As we travel into mists we do not know But I was bought and sold The moment I saw solid gold Shine from his eyes And I know though he tries He cannot separate Me from the place where we equate Everything we ever were To the trust he found in her And in us It’s not just lust It is a spiralling spark That shines even brighter in the dark So much so that I wish for my old days When I was lost in so many ways And the balance I’ve found And the solid ground Only distances the despair I loved because you were there
The canyon always called to me The vast open space a rhythm to be set free And I see people fall in the miles of my imagination As they stand on the edge of the station Taking selfies in the light And Marge says they’re just not right Because there is a death toll But somehow I found my soul Overlooking the vast red rock Spelling out all that I am not I couldn’t stop staring And there was all that preparing For what I’m facing into And I just thought of you And how your soul looked the same As the ocean I cannot name That pulses inside of me There was a part of me that was set free The moment you chose to come close And you look as white as a ghost And thin and on edge But I would like to be there instead Of the absence that you know And you have her and you Have me I didn’t mean to set you free I just couldn’t stay by the shore Hoping for something more To be revealed And then it stealed Into what I am You were never part of the plan But you’re a welcome adjunct And I feel like I’ve been on punkd! To think I could find a soul That matches the way that my waves roll I never thought I would discover The arms of such a lover
The shadow of death has followed me all my life And I know that I should be a wife By now But somehow The great explore Just opens every door Into the sea And it is all quintessentially me In every avenue And no matter what colour blue I seem to equate With what it’s like to be in this state I will always remain In a realm beyond the pain One where no loss can touch And the people I love so much Are with me in my heart and soul I just watch as the waves roll But the tide remains the sea So it is with you and me
My time as a drifter And the time he wanted to shift her In Hillstreet in the dark And I lost a part Of myself when I agreed To the part of me that it freed In the lines in between It was the worst part of the dream I had just been set free from the blocks And I was all about breaking locks And seeing how far I could take it But I didn’t mean to wake it Up from where it lay And it is not okay That when the dragon breathes fire You blame me for the post that I conspire To burn in my flame I am not within my name I am barely brimming at the edges And I can see over the hedges As the man trims them with his machine And I am who I’ve always been But that seems to do me no good If I can only find salvation in the wood And when I’m on my own If I could’ve I would’ve known Twenty years ago But it took time for the life to show Through the facade of the veil And I set sail On a foreign sea To find the part of me That I lost in the melee Do you think you could just be a friend to me?
There is a black pool at the core of my being When it’s light it’s just a reflection you’re seeing Of the moon in the water And I have been a “good” daughter Always abiding by the rule Getting grades to fly by in school But I have grown up and in And I found myself in him When he set me free from the stricture And it was a mighty picture When he showed me his own shade of blue And I wanted to be one with you As you just were yourself And my mental health Is not up for debate But I’ve learned there’s something beyond the hate You can even hold for yourself There is a wealth In verdant green And it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen
The saint was born the day that I died Like Gandalf the Grey becoming the White And there was no absorbing light Only a peaceful flame That does not go by any name You could call it earthy awareness And I could guess What you mean by that But it gives you something it can’t take back And when the dream is rendered moot No one can play the flute Not with you, not anymore And they think I close the door But the reality is I am pulled away From the places I cannot stay There is distance in between Me and her and her and what they seem To be But free Does not mean foolish or prude I’m sorry if I appear a little rude But I’ve got to speak my mind When I don’t I do hard time At the institution they call St. Pat’s And there are welcome mats With my name written on They don’t realise I’m already gone As who I used to stand as And it’s nothing bad But it is unusual and unexpected And it’s not as thought I would have rejected Him without good reason His love is a season In the infinity of space time For a moment he was mine And then we were separated Like the schools where we were educated In to make good people of us With rulers and lines and teachers we could trust Some at least And I wonder if the last supper is a feast Like it’s portrayed And if Judas was dismayed To be singled out like that And I wonder what was he at To betray a saviour true Til I had it done to me too By a girl I used to know She cracked the whip so I let her go And I don’t know if time is fast or slow All I’ve realised is that it doesn’t exist though
There was that time I was at the bottom of the ocean The weight of the sky held all my emotion And it was burden to me Until the day I was set free Like some kind of ennui to fly But some part of me wanted to die It held me like a vicegrips I let go and something slips Into the abyss Is it that I miss The point of modern existence So much so that my reference is met with resistance To what it is And I will never be his Not now, not anymore Not since he closed that door The one I had opened to let him in But the grave is solemn as our sin As we barely make it through There were days I screamed at you And my family bled me dry For the crime of wanting to try To climb to the sky And sometimes I wonder why They condemned me to an education In their version of the situation Where I am the betrayer of the light The one they crack my knuckles with at night In tune with the rhythm Of their own great schism The one that pulls There is a pain that never dulls Not sharp and quick But one you live with and it’s a bitch Much more so than the submerge And I am on the verge Of letting go And opening to the place I can’t know The deep and vast spaciousness pure If only I could know for sure What it was Like I did before I learned their laws
The embodiment of the prose That happens at the intersection of less travelled roads Where you meet two parallel paths And think of how God might have wrath For you and entice You into a darkness that isn’t nice Because if you look in the biblical frame You’re talking to someone who has no name And you can call him Yahweh or Yeshua I just know that I wouldn’t mess with ya Not on any given Sunday But trouble doesn’t come on a Monday It was some idle Tuesday blue That took me from you And I was just walking back From the place where I lack Everything that ever was Do I lose you because I didn’t pray for peace Is there a reason why people decease Before their time Which is always now if you ask the rhyme In the indulgent hues Now I just pay my dues As they fall onto my desk Trust and have faith and forsake the rest As it eyes up my piece of bread But it’s all madness in my head As I hear a million voices Asking me if they have choices In why they are condemned to A kind of hell I’m party to And if I’m the only one who nears Then do I run away when danger nears Or do I open the gap And shed light on the torn map That says beyond this point You must not go because the anoint Have adorned it a place for sinners And all the winners That you have ever known Have only ever grown Through the pain of embracing the shadow I often wonder if I am bad, though
I don’t know who I am anymore Someone somewhere shut that door And I’m lying on the floor Thinking about identity And if it could encapsulate me In a tight little bundle But I just roll the trundle Wheel down the path And think about the God of wrath I was shown by a teacher in school She read the Bible and it wasn’t cool It was so dark and dense And nothing was in the present tense It was all recrimination And I couldn’t see that the station She stood at was pulling in to train Us all to repeat again What we’d learned And if we didn’t we’d be burned I shook with the terror But something told me it was an error Because we couldn’t be sinners at ten But she threw suspicion on us over again As though our childish might Could be lit by the devil’s light In seeking to avoid the dark But the word just means to miss the mark And maybe it’s not understood That the heart of the human endeavour is good If Jesus taught me anything It’s that there’s an angel’s wing Looking out for all of us And that it’s okay to trust In the best of what we are I look for the star You were born under And the sound of thunder Rumbles in a scene If this is all a dream Why does it feel So real In the dark and in the day Am I gonna be okay? Or am I already alright Is my soul the light in the night To remind me that the consciousness Is the way that we undress The skin We are standing in For a season or two You fanned the flame but I still love you
The winter I knew Was as empty as the foggy morning dew And they turned the key On the lock that trapped me In the morning breathing cold air It was as though there was no one there Who would ever care Though they say they do They do their best to threaten you With what they think will make you move Like there is some point they want to prove To be a functional adult And a “grown woman” is a cult That only the brainwashed agree Is part of what it means to be free And you could call me non binary But it’s really not true It’s just androgyny coming through As I seek to find A reason not to go out of my mind Sitting in this space with you As you pour animosity through The fill of the glass It’s all about what you get in class When the story’s over Did you trample a four leafed clover In your attempt to reach the finish line And will you only realise when your time Here on earth is done Coz, honey, you are the One
I infuriate myself Because of the cards that I’ve dealt And the calamity I can’t admit to That I have been careless with all of you Just because I know That the letting go Won’t hold on I told him I loved him and then I was gone Because I don’t want to make good On our time in the wood All alone I sink after I hang up the phone Onto the wooden floor And there may be twenty score Women who would’ve done it differently But that’s just how the cookie crumbles He struggles with a button and fumbles And we laugh at the good of the moment And in style we hold it For all these years And there have been my share of tears But I wouldn’t take it back You’re one thing I’ll never lack Because you’re held in my soul And for me you’ll never grow old But even if you did I couldn’t repay the way I hid From your eyes And the lies Were your reaction to my subterfuge And the deluge Came to wash our cars away Because the road cannot stay When you pave it for journey Now there’s children lying on a gurney Somewhere in the Gaza Strip And the military the men equip To make war on the innocent skin Could I change it with Him If he would bargain a chip Let me be the one to trip On the banana peel Because none of this is real And there should be someone in black So that people know that there’s something we lack In the fizz and boom of our modern rush Don’t we all crave that silent touch Of true care I want to say I love you because I am there Even now, miles away I touch you with the power to pray
I’m spiritual but religiously so There are few places I will not go In my quest to explore And there’s always something more To know But does it show In my eyes, are there creases And when this body deceases What will happen to my spirit And will the people I love hear it As I cross the bridge to the other side And no one dies because life is alive Whether in form or not And you can hear the shot That rang out at the inception Of the resurrection Of the Christ We’re told that it happens twice Once to him and once in you As he returns through The form you know as your own They call it Consciousness but I prefer the Unknown As it rises to obscure my seeing And it is very freeing As all the chains just recoil Like steam on a pot to boil Or a kettle that is singing out The song that escapes its mouth When it is ready to click And the pan is non stick When you flip the dough I just let it go
The hero’s story lies unheard Like the flight path goes untraced by the bird As she arcs through the sky And she is not afraid to die A death on the scene And the serene Pulses with air And the energy of the Universe there They wouldn’t believe me So they just grieve me As battlestar galatica’s reign in the tide And I learn to abide In the misinformation I wonder who she’s dating It’s the modern fixation And if he’s a bad guy You better expect they’ll find a reason why And explain it to you Because you have hearts that they want to Corrupt and be seen To be caught in the dream In a web of lies And everybody tries To break out But their self doubt Arms the chains And the rains Are no match for the sky Because open space is not afraid to die Into itself I woke up with a shock and the rest start to melt
The apparent solidity of matter is an illusion And there seems to be some confusion Over what it means When sages says that its just one of those dreams That seems to linger And the finger Pointing to the moon Cannot come to soon But do not mistake It for a freedom you cannot fake You know when you’ve been deceived It happens when there’s something you believed Rather than known And the flowers grown And in full bloom Can fragrance a room So it is with you I’m telling you coz you want me to Deep in your heart There is something no one can tear apart Not with knives and scissors Not with hacksaws and chisels It lives in a domain Beyond the realm of pain And the Bible speaks of the Valley In the Shadow of Death and any One who disputes That it encroaches on the resolute Must be wrong Because when I was strong I felt it multiply I was so afraid to die But when the midnight came I was simply not the same And surrendered the ghost To the Light I love the most It is my Jesus true And He asked me to share Him with you
He bullied me into letting go And I fell into the snow And it was icy cold Can I be brave, can I be bold? And just speak my own truth Reflected through the prism of youth That is growing long But still I believe that strong Comes with age If you do not allow it to turn the page On the fiercest of you If my heart means anything too It will continue to burn a hole Through the veil that hides the soul From the masses And the classes That I aced Were nothing to the glory of his face When it was revealed to me He tried to steal into what it means to me But it cannot be undone Once you’ve seen the sun You cannot unmake it And I would never forsake it Not for a pretty boy That uses females like a toy To play with in the day But in the night it goes away And he is mired in loss and pain And learns to live with the rain That pummels the skin I told him that if he let me in I could make it better And the weather Would pass But our moment didn’t last As he sold me out for someone else And claimed that mental health Is more important than truth My God, life can be such a brute But it will reveal itself to you If you let the web fall through Into the long lost water I am no wife, I am no daughter I am no female set free I am what I’ll always be
The attempt to bridge the gap Cannot be found on any map And he sings of treasure troves But his heart, it roves And cannot settle on any one thing So he won’t give a girl a ring But he’s solid stone when it comes to worth And I know the feeling hurt From the break in his voice He wouldn’t be doing this if he had a choice But I see the midnight in his eyes The recognition that everybody dies In the summer of his life Now he can’t take a wife Coz she is just flesh and blood And doesn’t really house the good He’s been searching for And there’s a golden door That something’s behind And I was out of my mind With ardent love and lost belonging And he has me doing no wronging And I can’t put my finger on The thing that’s gone I’ve been looking for it since eleven I thought I lost it at the age of seven But what if it’s held in the Now And if I allow What is to be I could be free
The thread unwinds And are we all just out of our minds Running blind Into the wind And the boy grinned At me like it was all okay And somehow it was with him that day Will I find my way back to see The moment of eternity That held itself out in his eyes Deep blue opals that disguise The soul that’s looking through I would love to be with you In any kind of way No broken heart to mend today Just ashen earth clay pots And calling the kettle what I’m not In the morning The sea was storming Until that deathly calm It should have rang some kind of alarm But it didn’t, I just gazed Into a man I would have saved If I had known how Now I just allow You to breach the barrier And I know you wear the weather with her I can see it through the grain As it’s all coming down as rain In a January morning In the winter of 2013 And the dream Is less like shattered glass And more like Gandalf and “You Shall Not Pass” But the goblins from the grave Seem to haunt all of my days In so many ways As I look into the sky And wonder when you too will die
In the midst of subterfuge I painted my lips a shade of rouge That he had edified From the cavern where my soul died Its first death In the season of regret And folly There’s holly Hanging from the trees But you wouldn’t believe Me if I told you what I saw When the ground started to thaw And winter gave way To something some people say Is only myth But I’m sitting in it And it is open space The kind of dream that lays waste To reality It dealt its cards and folded me On the bay I was laughing at the good of it anyway But anyhow, it was not to be avoided And I surrendered to the void it Brought to bear upon my world I lived and died a young girl At fourteen and eight months And sometimes people can be cunts When they’re talking to you Like you should give up all that you Are And some star Shines over the crib So that I would know it is his And I should kneel But I would’ve known it by the feel Of salvation and the sacred Then he gave me Ken and the aching Started from miles away Because neither of us can stay In these forms And the bodies that the sun warms Will one day fade to ash I know it since before the crash Of all that I had known He was barely even grown When I lost him to the water And I grew up a daughter But will never be a wife I just promised him my life And I don’t take it back Not even when he is on the attack And throwing bricks through the window He asks me do I sin though And I just reply That the ego die On a slab And I couldn’t call that bad
We fought, will we ever make it right And there’s so many people by your side Do I ever get to touch the hand That touched mine like the promised land And somehow I trust, in the wilderness That someday I’ll undress In front of a mirror that sees the truth Reflected like a prism of our youth Thirty three years And one too many tears Staining the concrete of our cheeks I waited for weeks That August time Hoping that you might be mine I thought you would send a text One that I would not reject And my heart beat double time At the thought of your shine And I sat on the tiled floor In Pauric’s house and thought of you, mo stór And I may have warned you off But all is not lost Even after all these ages All those songs and all these pages Do you hear me in the midst of the snow I wonder how you could not know But you do Somewhere in the heart of you And I connect With the pat of you that you select To go to the front of the war And I’m glad you’ve made a home with her For she has a kind gaze And you are the man I love to save Even if it means letting you go To love a woman other than me, so Let bygones be bygones and let it be known That I had a full house when my cards are shown
If you ever happen to be listening to me Know that you are my infinity And I know I got mad on the phone But I did not mean to leave you alone Only spitfire my burning heart So you would know it’s been yours from the start And I know that you’ve had it hard I picked up the window where you left the glass shard And know it’s the one you used to look through Now there is only me and you To remind you of what once there was Would you read this just because I wrote if for you You don’t have to say you love me too
Something protects the pure at heart And it is more than the taking part It is the impulse that propels them on Even when everything else is gone It shows its face and it is revealed As the moment that I slowly reeled Against the dying of the light And found something that is alright But everything’s blind fragility And everything that means anything to me Will pass away with the morn If you must die it means you were born At sometime in the past And anything that’s bound can never last But the permanent Is that thing that never went Away, no matter what they say When I was younger I used to pray But then the silence ate me up Two months before I realised it was love That had come to save me Like the promise God gave me When I was ten And I didn’t want to be like any of them When I grew up Or eleven and I’m looking above A reason to find Because I am going out of my mind Searching for the man who went away The one I loved in the fray And he visits me, here and there But I crave the holy stair That will lead me to his light And I don’t have the will to fight Anymore I surrendered and it opened the door
I’ve been outrunning death since I was fourteen But time has come to wake the dream And face the demon that’s been chasing me down I’ve been many things to the people of this town But one thing I know, one thing that’s for sure Is that the midnight showed me something so pure And I do not regret the darkness that descend On a heart that was broken, never to mend Only to realise it’s true nature The meteor hit the earth and I was born in a crater In the mists of time like some super to heal I woke into the moment that I let myself feel All of the tumult of a world on its edge They’re invading Iraq and I writhe in my bed Thinking of all the people that die Because one nation doesn’t know how to cry For the fallen, for the lost For the ones who had to pay the cost Of a multitude of sins And is it always the strongest who wins Or sometimes may it be the one with the true heart It’s all about spirit and the taking part In a future that we can never deny Will lead even the strongest to die And accept that we are of a sort of form That only pumps blood when we are warm And when the moment comes can we face it with grace I learned when I was young that I had a place In the monumental struggle for peace to abide But I ran away and found someone where to hide But I must level the playing field once more I loved and I lost but it was for you, mo stór
Did we make it this far To be awake within the dream The firefights and storms The illusion as it seems And the trapping of delusion Spreads its grasp And I wonder how long This darkness can last But somehow the sun breaks And something within me wakes To spell the end of the old domination And I’ve learned more through my miseducation Than I ever could through books i steal in glances and furtive looks All that is needed to contain Sometimes the solution is in the pain That seems to encase the human race Nothing is bad but that it shows another face To the sky And we are all gonna die Someday But when we live do we walk the way Of the liberated And if we do can it be stated In between lines and in the silence I watch men do all the violence That could ever be contained And in the summer, it rained Like it always does on an Irish Sea Somehow the time has come to me To stand up and be counted And for all that has amounted To my demise It’s only sunset for the morning to rise And break a new vista across the scene Can we speak what can never be seen
The Poetry Book 