Category: consciousness

Alternate Ending To “The High Lord”

.Reading time 20 minutes.

Sonea turned to Akkarin. She could feel him fading beneath her. Panic struck her suddenly as his eyes began to roll back in his head. No, she thought suddenly, no, you don’t get to leave me like this. It was almost as though he had heard her. A familiar frown faintly creased his brow and through his laboured breaths she thought she heard him sigh. But what was she going to do, she had no healing magic left and she daren’t leave his side. The arena was too far away and she would not part from him if these were to be his last moments. Think, she admonished herself. Suddenly, it came to her. How obvious. What did it matter, it was only a building anyway. The sudden realisation snapped her into clarity and confidence. As though heralding her newfound hope, a series of footsteps clattered towards her. All three of them wore expressions of horror at the dying man laying before them, a High Lord they had respected, then feared and finally admired. Get back, she said forcefully, command in her tone, and pointed them towards the gardens of the Guild. Go, now!

Rothen jumped and exchanged a quick glance with Dorrien. Balken, realising something imperative was underfoot that he did not quite understand grasped his fellow magicians by the arms and briskly led them away. Now that Akkarin had her full attention again she could concentrate. His eyes briefly opened and flicked up to hers. All fight in them seemed to be gone and she could sense the resignation creeping in. She did not waste any more time on further communication but set herself to the task at hand. They were still lying on the steps of the University. All she needed was a little power and then she could shield. She let her senses draw into the stone of the steps, and recalled the book Akkarin had given her about Lord Corlen. He had inadvertently discovered a way to strengthen magical buildings and mould materials through his experimentation with black magic. Now she was using this same skill in the service of something she loved, not the construction of an exquisitely beautiful building but something far more precious – preserving the life of the man she loved. She felt the power draw into her and quickly drew up a shield, in case any rubble from the weakened building would fall on either of them. At the same time, she divided the energy pouring into her, sending half of it to Akkarin. It would not be enough to heal him yet but it would prevent him from slipping into unconsciousness and help him hold on a little longer. She heard him take in a deeper breath as the power flowed into him. She did not open her eyes to check on him but kept her attention on the stone and began increasing the flow of power. Soon it was rushing into her and she created a stronger shield. She could hear cracks and rumblings from above. She heard a violent crash from behind the closed doors and knew the elaborate staircase had collapsed. Good, she thought. It must have taken an immense amount of magic to have held up something so fine and delicate. As if in response, she felt a tidal wave ripple into her. That’s enough, came a hoarse voice from beneath her. She looked down and his eyes were open, staring into hers. There was light in them again. She sensed into his body to begin healing the broken parts, though with her limited knowledge she was not sure how much she could do. She was about to call out to Dorrien to help when something almost stopped her heart. The corner of his lips turned up. He was healing himself. She hadn’t realised it but she accessed an immense amount of power from the buildings. She didn’t look up to see if any of it was still intact. She probably would have heard boulders clattering against her shield but at this point she wasn’t even sure of that, so transfixed was she by the possibility that she might get to keep him. “Fascinating thought process,” he said wryly, “but if you wouldn’t mind, I don’t think it would be a bad idea if you called Dorrien. I am not an expert in this myself.” She looked down at the knife still wedged in his chest and the beads of sweat that had collected at his forehead. He was obviously still in a great deal of pain and nowhere near safe yet. She looked around in alarm, how far had they gone? Mentally she screamed his name. Dorrien, help! “I’m coming” was the immediate response.She looked around at the buildings to assess their state of disrepair. Dorrien would not be able to shield. She would have to protect him somehow until she could send him some healing energy of her own to help restore his exhausted magic. Dorrien will not be able to help me that way, Akkarin stuttered between gasps. I need to enter his mind to see what needs to be done. “Sonea”. She looked up to see Dorrien standing some distance away, staring up at the remains of the University. Chunks of it had fallen away and it looked like it could topple in any direction at a moment’s notice. “You can move me,” Akkarin uttered lowly, his face contorted in a grimace as he tried to rise. The effort was too much however and he lay back down on the stone, breathing heavily. The magic was keeping him alive but he could not heal himself with the knife in his chest and they daren’t pull it out. “What if…”. A thought tugged at the edge of Sonea’s consciousness. After all she had learned about black magic and even before that, as a slum dweller, surprised to find she had magic at all, did she really need to live in the confines of the world as it had been shown to her. “What if…” She closed her eyes and focused. She could sense Dorrien, several hundred paces away. There was barely a trickle of magic in his form. But she drew deeply into her own and expelled it away from her. It was almost like sending a strike but with healing energy instead of that of attack. She allowed her magic to move outward slowly, porously, like a river drawing closer and closer to its destination. Then it reached him and she surrounded him with a balming warmth of protective energy, a shield, she recognised with satisfaction. Still with her eyes closed, she poured a little light energy into that shield. Now came the moment of truth. If the shield was visible when she looked, she could assume it also held all the properties of strength and protection she had infused it with. She looked outward towards Dorrien standing on the grass. A faint pink glow surrounded him. He looked confused and was looking at his own hands. He responded to her gaze and when their eyes met he broke into a wide grin and strode towards her. Relieved, she let her attention return to Akkarin. “How…did…you….do that?” he breathed through gritted teeth. The man could be on the brink of death and still find a way to wonder about the intricacies of undiscovered magic. “I don’t know” Sonea replied, her own face creasing in worry. Why wasn’t he getting any better? With all this power shouldn’t he be looking a little stronger. But it was obvious. Life was still seeping out from him. It was with horror that Sonea realised in that moment what loss of blood could do and the ineffectiveness of healing magic in that department. She looked up to find Dorrien had reached them. He assessed the situation methodically. His eyes roving over Akkarin’s body and from somewhere in his training, planning what the first move should be. “Help me” Akkarin said, desperation seeping into his tone. It was something she had never heard from him and it shook her to the core of her being. “Step aside for a moment, Sonea” Dorrien said, his brow creased and his eyes more serious than she could ever remember seeing them. Even the incident at the South Pass hadn’t seemed to frighten him this much. She shifted her position slightly, unwilling to let go of Akkarin. What if he needed more power? But she knew that wasn’t the real reason she did not want to let go.

Dorrien knelt in a crouch. “I’m going to be pulling this knife out of you now. I want you to send healing magic immediately to the source of the wound. Seal it at the deepest level. Worry about the skin and more superficial levels later. There will be an immense amount of blood, especially if any major blood vessels have been severed and it is imperative that you close them immediately. Do you have enough power?” He addressed his directions to Akkarin but when he asked the last question his gaze fixed on Sonea. She quickly drew in more from the ground beneath them, which led to more rumbling around them. But she was confident her shields would hold. “Sonea” Akkarin tried to reproach her. “No” both she and Dorrien said in unison. “You mean more to us than some building” Dorrien said with both warmth and strength in his eyes “And it’s not just for your Ichiani killing capacity”. He turned and nodded at Sonea. “Do you think that’s enough?” The ocean of energy she had just flowed into him was ten times the capacity of a normal magician. “It’s more healing ability than anyone would naturally be able to hold”. “Okay,” Dorrien said seriously, his mind back on his task and in his own discipline. He paused. Sonea sent herself into Akkarin’s mind. It was in disarray. He could barely think through the pain. How had he seemingly recovered so quickly if this what he felt like. “I don’t know if he’ll be quick enough” Sonea said grimly. “Could I do it?” Dorrien gave her a quick glance. “Either way, time is of the essence. He’s losing too much blood. Focus on the blade of the knife within his body.” She felt Akkarin relax under her hands. He must have known he wouldn’t have been able to heal himself in time. He gave the responsibly over to her. He shut his eyes and breathed softly, trusting his life to her hands. She felt a momentary stirring of fear, this was the first time she had ever really healed such a serious injury. It was the discipline she always knew she was going to favour. She just wished she had gotten further along in her training. As Dorrien gave her rapid fire instructions she allowed her eyes to roam over Akkarin’s face. Obviously sensing her in his own mind his eyes met hers. They were full of apology. Apology for what, she couldn’t think about that now. Doubt racked her frame. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Yes, you can. She wasn’t sure if that voice of conviction had come from within her or Akkarin. She wasn’t sure she knew the difference anymore anyway. As Dorrien finished describing the basics of what needed to be done, she understood. Once she had sealed up the worst of it Akkarin would be able to heal himself. The key was making sure he survived the next thirty seconds. “You ready?” Dorrien looked at her. She nodded imperceptibly as his hands grasped the hilt of the blade. If Akkarin was afraid he never betrayed it. With a quick movement Dorrien wrenched the Sakakhan knife out of his chest. An agonising scream left Akkarin’s lips. Momentarily distracted, Sonea forced herself to ignore his pain and tend to the wound. She found the source of the bleeding easily enough and let love pour through her and kiss every severed cell and membrane. It knitted up before her as she scanned the surrounding areas. Veins reattached themselves, a mangled artery stuttered back into life and began to circulate soul through it again. She tended to tissues in the nearby area that were also damaged, crisscrossed by tears. Then something else started happening. As she perceived an injury, it fixed itself before she got a chance to touch it. “How am I doing this?”, she wondered. Somewhere deep within her came a voice. “You’re not, I am”. It was accompanied by something else, a wave of relief and gratitude and ….love. She pulled her attention back, not far enough to leave him, just far enough to watch. Everything was repairing itself. “How does he know how to do all this, he is not a Healer?”. “No, but Dorrien is”. Reluctant to pull her attention away from where it might be needed she refused the temptation to look back outside his body just yet. However, soon he hummed with a state of wellbeing and ease and she began to relax. She got a sense of his mind again and it was no longer in disarray but calm and focused. “I’m okay”, she heard. Unsure of whether or not to trust him – he had been entirely too self sacrificial in the past – she let her mind linger. Til her concentration was broken by a roar of laughter. “Well, that is certainly one way to do it!” Her eyes snapped open and she found herself regarding Dorrien. He was looking at Akkarin incredulously and they appeared to be having some form of mental communication. Akkarin had grasped Dorrien’s arm against his own, presumably so he could be guided by the Healer’s ability. He was sending him mental pictures of the work he had done inside and, apparently, Dorrien couldn’t believe it. Slightly unnerved by the conversation Sonea turned her attention to the shield around the three of them. She had merged Dorrien’s pink shield into her own and Akkarin’s shield, such that they were all held within an impenetrable barrier that kept them from harm. She looked around at the university, it was in ruin. Huge rocks lay broken in half around them and a light dust covered the top of the shield. She looked within what the University had been and felt her own joy and laughter bubble up from within her. Akkarin was alive, the Ichiani were dead and the University could be rebuilt. A ray of sun broke across her face and she felt like she had been reborn.

The Lessons In The Blessing

.Reading time 1 minute.
We split the dial to far this time
And the cracks delineate the crime
That we both made
As we sat in the shade
Of what we’re meant to be
And they’re dragging out of me 
Telling me who I am
And that I must follow this plan
If I am to be whole
Sacrifice my heart and soul
On the altar of their god
But the one they use the rod
To announce
And I denounce
All of their shattered shards of glass
And me measuring up to who I was in the past
Because I really thought that this would last
And I cannot blame you
So I do not name you
Or what you’re doing with her
In the grass bed of what we were
And I look at my hands
As all the sands
Pour through onto the beach
Is the lesson that you came to teach
That I will be alright on my own
If I hadn’t lost you I wouldn’t have known

The Crack In The Armour

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The boy is a mystery to me 
And we have a history but it is free 
To be exactly what it is 
And I keep looking at the person he calls his 
And wonder if that’s really true 
Because I always felt I was the only one for you
And that has not changed with time 
Only given me a reason to rhyme 
And it is not to fight with her or deny 
Any be in which you lie
Might mean the sky to you 
But I would die with you 
Just so that you could live 
Find the space where you can forgive 
Yourself for the darkness inside 
My love, you don’t need to hide 
It away under a bush 
All you need is to open and trust 
The light that you are 
You are more than the brightest star 
The supernova celestial flare 
And the realisation that we are there 
Every moment in the now 
Just tell me what you need somehow 
And I will give it to you 
If it is in my power to 
You can lie your head on my shoulder 
Drop that weight, drop that boulder 
You’ve been rolling for a thousand thousand years 
I see each one reflected in your tears 
As they pool beneath your feet 
You’re in Maynooth, I’m lying on the beach 
And trying not to teach 
You a lesson 
That even death is a blessing 
I’ve come to kiss
And it’s not as if I don’t miss 
Those who have passed on 
It’s just they’re not really gone 
I feel them come back to me now and then 
And it’s not like they’re alive again 
But it is like they never left 
And I am not bereft 
Like I was so long ago 
Til God kiss the place that hurt me more 
Than any mortal wound could have done 
And from the place I broke, there shone the sun

Who Do You Think You Are?

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Who do you think you are? 
Some kind of distant burning star 
And I am always throwing the truth at people 
As if I was born underneath a steeple 
And in my magnificence 
I ask the boy I love to dance 
With me and he accepts 
And I wonder and I one of his regrets 
Now that he has found someone to share 
His body with and someone runs their hands through his hair 
Something I never got to do 
And would I ever admit it to you 
If we were face to face on a screen 
I see it like this in a dream 
And everyone says you have to grow up and get married
But I don’t want to buried 
Alive in this skin 
I just want to die with him 
In some kind of immortal flame 
That knows neither shape nor name 
And he denies me like a man on the cross
And I turn away like it’s his loss 
When really it’s my own 
The absence of someone I’ve never known 
And I picture him with all his bros 
In the throes 
Of raucous laughter that masks the pain 
That is as familiar as the rain 
That you live under 
And I don’t have your number 
Anymore 
I let my phone go out of operation, mo stór
And there’s no way you can reach me now 
I erected barricades that don’t allow 
You to dip into my sphere 
Because I know that if you were near 
My will would crumble
And my self respect take a tumble 
As I give you leave to wreck the joint 
Because you just miss the point 
Of the whole affair 
There was a moment I was there 
And in it we were infinite 
I keep touching it again each night 
In the hope it might ignite 
And burn into holy flame
But it seems you only know my name 
And not the immortal beneath 
I wonder if that’s why you were kissing my feet

You And I And Eternity

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The feel of his warm body beneath me 
The perfume of the air that seems to heat me 
Every time his eyes flick to mine 
I see this play out a thousand times
And it’s just a little soon 
To stand in this room 
With you by the fore 
Profession that you love me more 
Than you did before 
And I see him and somehow you 
Pour though 
And I’m feeling the fire rage 
So I get my typewriter and rip out the page 
Trying to get a perfect draft 
And he kind of nervous laughed 
But it was sweet and profound 
And you can’t deny that that circle is round 
Some kind of equation I barely understood 
When I was walking in the wood
And must I always seek to be too verbose 
As I stand by the coast 
I chose to roam 
Called the breeze my home 
Because it carries you on it 
And it’s been so long it 
Almost seems like it’s not true
Til I get another shot of you 
Somewhere on the grapevine 
And you don’t have to worry if I am fine 
Or if I’m radiating satisfaction 
I have a welcome distraction 
In the form the sweetest mind 
And I must let him know I will not leave him behind 
Not in all the myriad of form 
Something within is always warm 
And never fades 
Though we age 
And forty looms by the sea 
But it is not just me 
Into the epic of that blue 
I open the door for you 
Into the midst of a perfect surrender 
Smelling salts if you don’t remember 
What we have come here to be 
There’s you and I and eternity

The Branch Of Love

.Reading time 1 minute.
There is a space beyond words 
And in it I am away with the birds 
Flying free
And there is a man down on one knee
Eternally 
As he promises 
A love that will last forever
And it would do me good to remember
That everything that can be experienced is in consciousness 
And not just in a state of undress
And I'm scared to bank the cash 
Coz I know once I do there's no turning back 
Because I swore once and for all time 
Now I find reason to the rhyme 
That seeks to procure your name
And to my immortal shame
I let you slip through my fingers
Now I just hear you in guitar players and singers 
Who hum your tune through radio waves
Or songs that I spotify save 
And I cave 
In my will to hold out on the world 
Because I once was just a girl 
Now it seems I am a woman and queen of 
The Branch Of Love

Like A Slow Burning Gollum

.Reading time 2 minutes.
It scratches and tries to claw its way in 
And there are remnants of him 
In the way it throws its weight around 
And I just avoid the sound 
When I hear it coming 
Am I just succumbing 
To its weighty perforate 
As if a boy could take me on a date 
Just to wed and impregnate 
So we can say that life is great 
While we secretly die inside 
But nothing’s good unless there’s something to hide 
And I know it’s storm and I know it’s sea 
But I’d rather the ocean than less of me 
As it churns the butter of my soul
Crashes against cliffs as the waves roll 
And you may seek to make me carbonated 
A copy of something that is fated 
But somehow I see a scene 
That exists beyond the dream 
And I take the first train outta there 
And I don’t care if you dare 
To try to pull me back 
In the midst of all you lack 
You try to remake another ring 
But it’s not the real fucking thing
And it is burnt in Mordor doom 
So I just get up and leave the room 
And just like that it closes behind me 
As I go some place that hell cannot find me 
And leave a thread of pealing light 
To let others know that it is alright 
To follow the trail 
Of a love that does not fail

Diagrams

.Reading time 1 minute.
Do I make it real 
The diagram I long to heal 
And it’s like no one is listening 
But when the shards of glass are glistening 
It’s like forever in the forest 
And if you want to keep me honest 
You shouldn’t betray the lie
That we both chose to die 
In our open surrender 
Do you not remember 
The expanse of grass where we just lay down 
You’re staring into space and I want to drown 
In this ocean that has just opened up 
I think this is what the people call love 
But I wouldn’t know 
So I stare until your eyes let me go 
Into my own reverie 
I didn’t know there was a way to be 
With someone and free 
Do you know what you did to me 
By being everything you are 
You reminded me that every star 
Was once born from a colossal explosion 
And I’m feeling all this emotion 
As I sit by your side 
And I know I’ve said it before but alive 
Never felt so real 
Do you think I could feel 
This for the rest of forever 
And if the answer’s yes then can I steal your sweater 
To throw over my form 
Because the heat of you keeps me warm

Misting Up The Glass

.Reading time 3 minutes.
There is an ocean that spans the river between us 
And we are so epic that you couldn’t dream us 
As we magnetise opposite poles 
And share the depths within our souls 
And there was something about a tarpaulin (I think it was blue)
And I have always been reliant on you 
And I think you knew but you didn’t like 
The way I always handed you the mike 
When the going got rough
And the going is tough 
At times 
As we pay for our lack of crimes 
In monopoly money, paper thin
I sing sonnets of my time with him 
Because he was the crystalline snowflake in the valley
And he bossed me around like my greatest ally
And I’m lost in memories he swears don’t exist 
As I type the rights he tells me I’ve missed 
But I could be writing a charter for an age 
If I had to list all the flaws I could fit on a page
And it’s not worth it
And it only hurts it 
When the sophomore slump hits 
And I watch her as she sits 
Gingerly with her legs bent at the knee
And I wonder what would have happened if he’d have stayed with me 
Instead of running away 
Instead of turning his back and walking out that day 
Like he knew the whole story
Oh, please do not bore me 
With the details, hun 
You know you are my only one 
Anyway it’s rife for inspection 
I hide his name with misdirection 
I know you see 
No sleight of hand to camouflage me 
From your open soul 
And the part of you that can sense what’s whole 
When it breaks into pieces 
And there are creases 
Where the smile meets your eyes 
And we’ve done a helluva lot but we could never stomach lies 
Not even when they’re “for our own good”
But I abandon it all and go and sit in the wood
With trees for company 
And they do not jump me
Or tell me I’m wrong 
In an effort to belong
They just listen and guide the breath from my lungs 
As it mists up the sky and the bottom rungs
Of the ladder I climbed, then fell from a snake 
And the disease is aplenty but what if I wake 
Up from the shadow of the dark in the storm 
I only ever wanted to keep people warm

This Kiss

.Reading time 2 minutes.
There is a space that holds the pain 
Like the sky holds the rain
And it’s a grand expanse 
Like how the leaves dance 
In the wind 
Like how my heart sparkled when he grinned 
And it’s not just errant love
Or the loss of peace or the birth of a dove
With an olive branch 
Sometimes I feel like I live on a cattle ranch 
Where people are always reigning me in 
And the bank tells me I must “begin” 
I dunno, the fuck that means 
When once upon a time the dreams
That were bricks and mortar bound 
Were found to be unsound 
And the country was austerified
And I’m not sure but I think they lied
When the whole thing was on the verge of collapse 
The whole territory identified on the maps 
That say where things are 
But they can’t categorise the star 
That burns in the midnight blue 
An old king hidden in the heart of you 
And they tell you to grow up and they tell you to cop on 
But I can’t get over what is never gone 
What just remains 
In spite of the stains 
As the tears streak down my cheek 
I’m in class and I get weak 
And I feel the faint coming on 
And I wait too long 
To steady the ship 
And some people may shoot from the hip 
I’ve always been straight down the line 
I always tell the doctors I’m fine 
When they doubt what I am 
I don’t think they have ever heard the can 
As it’s kicked down the road 
Doireann Fox asked me because I think it showed 
And I always wanted to tell her the height of admire 
Was held in my heart for hers on fire 
And it’s been so many years 
And I’ve kicked back with spirits and beers 
But they never seem to come near 
To the euphoria and the bliss
Of the one thing nobody can miss

A Message To My Tormentor

.Reading time 6 minutes.
A message to my tormentor, you know the one I try to protect 
I look up and the whole dream is wrecked 
Because I was perfect, I was pristine 
I was the ruler, I was the queen 
But then everything turned the dice on its head 
And I was screaming as I lay in bed 
Because I could feel my mind separate 
From the man I would love to date
And it was as though someone had taken my knife
And carved a chasm between husband and wife
And I just lay there and silently toiled
I was to the rescue but I was embroiled 
In all of what tried to tear us apart 
I was in UCD when the pain thought to start 
And nothing like Darragh or Marian too 
Could prevent the onset if what I couldn’t do 
To myself or to you 
So I ran for the hills 
Because this is the kind of thing that kills
And the track was dusty and red 
And I begged you to tell someone instead
And you did 
And I may have hid 
For years from your sight 
But I was watching that you were alright 
And I could feel the wrecking ball hit me where it hurt
And I would be left sprawling in the dirt
Then the boy with the beautiful smile 
Told me he’d like to hold me for a while 
And I was safe in his arms
But then all the alarms 
Rang in St. Pat’s 
In the years I was afraid of baseball bats
So I just do what they say
Take the meds they prescribe so I can find a church to pray
And there was a little chapel 
Beside the canteen and Eve ate the apple 
They had gifted to her 
But it doesn’t make me forget the Eden we were 
For a moment in time 
And I want him to know that he is sublime 
And no devil or rodent or snake or tail 
Can shake the foundation of what I let fail 
And it was Gareth Brooks 
And one for the books 
As I sipped a Coke 
And laughed along like I was in on the joke 
But secretly I choke 
And bless the place that gave me sanctuary 
And helped me get away from you and me 
The register said something about ambiguity 
And my insecurity 
Has me chasing Shauna around 
And asking her if she heard the sound 
She looks at me like I’m not well 
And also like I’m onto something she cannot tell 
So I back off but when she needs a friend 
I jump over the fence she thought to mend 
Like a wall between two neighbours who walk
But both of us know that it is all talk 
And she holds my hands
She is five years younger than me but she understands
What it means to be bereft 
And she told me something about someone and their theft 
Of her innocent pure 
But I want her to know that the cure
Lies in the heart in her chest 
It beats still fervently and knows her best
Better than the wolf at the gate
Or the people she has come to hate
And I still fear the loss of the man 
Because I know it’s his life and I know that he can 
Do whatever he wants
And it’s the kind of freedom that haunts
Every word that I write 
And leaves me exiled to a silent night 
When I think he is already gone 
So I play that song 
Over and over and they sharpen the blade
That would have you and I in the shade 
And I rage 
And let them take me to hell 
Because every ringing bell 
Just signals doomsday in my mind 
So don’t worry that I’ve left you behind 
I’m just trying to ruin the machine 
And break what would take the slate from the dream 
And I falter and kneel
At the foot of what you feel 
Because to you its real 
And I would steal 
It all away if I could 
So that that look could not draw blood 
Because you are the quintessence of good 
And I meet you in the wood 
When all the noise dies down
And you say something about a beautiful gown 
As I take it off 
Our hands touch and all is not lost

Cottagecore

.Reading time 2 minutes.
How do I write the polarity 
That is screaming every profanity 
Through me onto the page 
And there is a silent rage
That just quenches every candle that I light 
And I throw another draft into the bin coz it’s shite 
And it doesn’t describe the feeling 
Of the reeling 
When you lose someone 
And that gun 
Is still going off in my head 
Because somewhere someone is dead 
And it’s like I could hear the bang 
Every time the phone rang 
To break the news 
And I’m wearing old shoes 
That haven’t fit since I was eleven 
And someone has just gone to heaven 
And it’s a fine story but I’m not sure I believe it anymore 
Because I”m still facing the red door 
That you left behind and that perfume
Pervades every single room 
I ever walk into 
Everything merged with the scent of you 
And I just cry into my pillow 
Because as every weeping willow 
Knows 
When it shows 
The cavalry will come to save 
And I don’t want to face the brigade
I just want to be alone 
And something cuts me to the bone 
Every time someone says your name 
And I think they play piano because it’s a game 
And they think each note is a chord 
But you can take me at my word
I won’t leave this season behind 
Not until I’ve driven myself out of my mind 
Trying to get back to a time before 
The death of someone I adore

A Covenant Of Love

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I haven’t forgotten the holy of my youth 
And time can be a brute 
As it crushes you in the centre of the wheel
And life doesn’t care how you feel 
It will keep punching above its weight
Until you forgo the hate 
And my grandmother told me a little tale
About two baby birds in a nest who without fail 
Would always find a way to make space for each other 
Meanwhile I hate my brother 
For what he did to me 
But forgiveness lets all that go free 
No coming for Amy or railing against the world 
Just trusting what it means to be Catholic Irish 
Some part of me flourish 
Under that sun
And I know the one 
Thing about humans is that they’re flawed
And when all the ice has thawed 
The sins will be revealed
Childhoods that people steal 
And yet the good only ever shone on me 
From an altar that set me free 
To trust in something and believe 
In what Fr. P would have up his sleeve 
As he tended to his flock 
And reminded me what I’m not 
When I thought I was 
Just a little child, small because 
I’m too young to have an opinion 
But you don’t treat me like a minion 
But an equal foot I stand 
And I will forever hold that man 
In the highest esteem 
For all he did to pierce the dream 
And let the white light shine through 
I thank him in all of you

Vines

.Reading time 3 minutes.
If life’s not here to make you happy
But to make you conscious of what you are 
That you’re a neutron collision 
Of two drunks at a bar
And I toast to who I used to be 
Fall in love with a guy I never see 
And I keep his name a secret 
We sit by the fire and love heats it 
And he’s got a girlfriend, I know 
I’ve never been the bad one like seeds to sow 
And I want him anyway 
Even though I know what they’ll all say 
When I steal him away 
The homewrecker in the bed she lay
And I kind of want to say I knew him first 
But all my lies are rehearsed 
Because I know the verse
Cannot compare 
To years lived with your hands in her hair 
And I know because I was there
When I saw the veil fall 
I collapsed like a waterfall 
Onto the floor
And silently closed the door 
Because her hands are on your waist 
Did she know he was the man I praised 
When I was lost and lonely
And for years I had eyes for him only 
On a screen 
I hide it but it was my dream 
And he’s the highlight in UCD
As I sit in the library
I should really study 
But I just remember his hoodie 
And how it fit me just fine 
In the stories that I rhyme 
Round enough to make them true 
And I gotta admit I love you 
And I’ve been watching you since 2009
Well before that if you count Bebo time 
And your wall face was black and bleak 
And I couldn’t help but sneak 
Back up onto the counterview 
And see the hearts that amassed for you 
And I know you were epson perfection 
But I get high on the rejection 
Like some kind of challenge to a teenage version of me 
To climb up on a balcony 
And profess to some Juliet 
Could I be a Romeo you could not forget
And if we switch roles 
Does that mean we have opposite souls 
Must I always be the damsel in distress
The one you want to undress 
And should I have to guess
When you tell me that the stress
Is boiling a kettle in your room 
And something wakes the bones of doom 
And they pound the ground I hold my ear to 
I thought I could read the poetry of you 
But you tell me I never knew the truth 
And that I had misconstrued our youth 
And I claim “I know, I know” 
You bite me and then suck out the poison slow 
If this is a mystery 
Then why does the past eat our history

Forever

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Could I promise you forever if you don't even want to be here
Do you not think I can see, my dear
And I try to be gentle and I try to be kind 
But, darling, sometimes you are out of your mind 
And you swing for the fences out of anger and brutality 
And I wouldn't survive that mentality 
But I would be there to catch your tears 
I would stand by your side for years 
But I won't stand for being broken and bruised
I won't stand for being nationalistically used
By a man who wants to be something real 
But can't bear the way he feels 
When the weather starts to rain 
Though I tell him again and again 
The only way out is through 
And both I and the Spirit will be with you 
In the moment of Now 
You are not broken and somehow 
I think you know 
I am not letting go 
Not in four hundred million centuries 
Or for forays
I could have into the unknown 
And we may have grown 
But have we stayed the same 
You did say that you've changed 
And who am I to call out the lie
There's a part of you that does not die
And it's the part I loved way back when 
It's what I love now and what I will love again 
So how can you say you're a different hue
What did you think I saw in you 
I backed away from your rage
You unleash it again and I turn the page
And you think that it's you that says goodbye 
But it's I that will not let you try

To Falter On The Edge Of Life

.Reading time 1 minute.
I faltered on the edge of life
Coz I could never grow up to be a wife
And work in a bank 
And I don’t know who I can thank 
For the pinch that woke me up 
It shook me in my sleep with love
And I jumped out of the bed screaming with the fright
I didn’t realise that the night 
Was over 
And now that I’m older
I don’t have to mythologise 
All the lies 
That I told just to fit the form 
Of the shape that keeps the bodies warm 
In their comfortable hues
But I have come to sing the blues 
So that someone might know that I 
Found a way out of the thing that die
Lonely and old 
Or young and ancient and doing what it’s told 
In the aching pain 
I don’t think the rain 
Knows anything about the cloud 
Til the sky has let go all of its doubt 
And opens to a wide serene 
If you’re scared know that this life’s a dream

The Flawed

.Reading time 1 minute.
All I feel when I look in the mirror
Is the flawed sinner 
And I see all the little points 
That someone somewhere should anoint
With a holy oil 
And the daily toil 
Doesn’t seem to leave a mark 
But my spark 
Seems to be dampened down 
By the grey that rules this town 
And I saw it at seventeen 
That if I didn’t wake this dream 
I would be ground like the grain in the wheel
And there are people who know how to feel 
But I could never abide 
In anything but raw and alive 
And fire in my bones and skin 
I’m everything when I’m with Him 
And when I’m not
It’s as though I forgot 
What I am and see
And that everything is God’s plan beyond history
Or the chasm that pulls my skin 
Until I am one with Him 
And there is no distinction or prose
To separate me from the roads 
That lead to the one place we are 
And all of us are born from a star 
Just dust that has been given breath
That we all seem to forget 
Ever passes through our lungs
And we are not gradated on rungs 
Of a ladder to the sky
There’s something within that does not die
Not now and not ever
And it has been a hopeful endeavour 
To live at peace with what is 
Sealed with a holy kiss

The Angel That Kissed Me

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I don’t know what it is but something needs o be done
Because there are people dying young
From a disease that no one can see
They say it’s mental illness but I don’t think we 
Are defunct in any sort of way
We are just sensitive to the play
Of light and form on the screen of life
And people tick boxes like a job and wife
And a car and a two point five
Like those things mean you are alive
Is it any wonder that there are those who want to die
Who hide the way they cry 
From everyone so no one can see
And that once was the girl I call me 
But something woke me up
And now I want to share that love 
With anyone who has faded to grey 
And finds the flatness worse than anything words could say 
And is it adult to falter on the brink 
Of the things we dare not think 
To be confused and afraid to even breathe
In case someone doesn’t get what they need 
From what we hold out in our hands 
And in the past people wanted lands
Now they colonise our minds 
And taunt us with what’s been left behind 
But the eternal moment of Now
Has become enough for me somehow
And I try to explain to a priest
The meaning of the deceased 
But he doesn’t get it 
So I say; “forget it”
And let the river pull me away
From everything they say 
To the winter in me 
It kind of feels like being set free
To feel the wind in my hair 
And know that I am there 
In the subterfuge and release 
I wonder do they notice the crease
In my dress but I let it be seen 
And look up from the dream 
As I fall into reality 
I feel the Universe forgiving me

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The Fear Of The Fire

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
There is a fear of the fire 
In me and it does not tire
Of quaking the ground that I unearth
And making parts of me hurt
In ways I had not conceived
And if everything is to be believed
Then we are all doomed
I watched as the horizon loomed
Over me like a great beast 
That would make hunger its feast
And would consume each part of my bones
The body it thinks it owns
But my saviour Jesus Christ
Must have seen something that he liked
In my skin
Because he has filled all of it with Him
And now I radiate
Another different state 
Of mind and being 
What is it that you are seeing 
When you see the store
Of treasures within you to adore

The Forest Child

.Reading time 1 minute.
The forest child in me 
Is longing for the rivers to let her go free
As I take refuge on the beach
That someone thought to teach 
Me was there
And I’m so grateful and I care 
About what will happen to this next generation 
Will it be beyond an education 
As I meditate
And something puts me in another state
Where I can fly
And I am not afraid to die
Into incandescent blue
Just because you 
Clutch onto fear 
Doesn’t meant that love is not near 
Ready to abide
And something in me hide
Away this secret deathless realm 
From the people who would submerge the helm
Like the girl with the degree
In deciding what to do with me 
When I confess 
That everything in that red dress
Always felt the same 
And she knows my name 
But she doesn’t get my soul 
If I told her each wave roll
Would she understand 
And I decide to forgive my man

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Each Grain Of Sand

.Reading time 1 minute.
It’s a nightmare we’re all dreaming
And somewhere the children are screaming
And it aches in my heart and it pulls at my soul
Something crushes the begging bowl
And flattens the land
The hills and valleys that used to understand 
All the movement and all the sighs
I watch a brother break as his sibling dies
And his wails of pain seem all to familiar to me
Because I know the crushing weight of the sea
As it pummels the shore 
What is left to adore
In this broken world
And if I am just a girl
How do I effect change
But I watch the stars rearrange
Every season in the sky
As I ask God why
He could allow such things
And if the spirit has wings
Does it fly away from here
When it’s separated from the ones we hold dear
In a man made disaster
And there is no plaster
Than can fix bullet holes 
And we’re all just supposed to play our roles
In this great big cosmic machine
And I thank God that it is just a dream
As I rouse to wake
The people that die for humanity’s sake 
I feel something break
And go free in me
Are we doomed to repeat history
Or can we be the change we want to see
If there’s a man in the mirror it starts with me

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The Pain And The Peace

.Reading time 3 minutes.
There is pain and there is peace
And there is a moment where both cease
To mean anything at all
And I’m staring at a wall
Just tap tapping my pen 
And I feel it all again 
And it is as though the universe rehearse
The plaid shirt poetry in my verse 
As it speaks to me through life
And I always thought I’d be a wife
But that doesn’t seem to be my thing 
I would prefer truth over a ring 
And I can’t condense this immaculate soul 
Into something that is just a role
For there is love and there is joy
But can I tie myself to a boy
Forevermore
And forsake the soul I adore
Or is there a way he can open the expanse
So that both our spirits will dance
Together in unison 
But he just chooses to get his gun
And shoot at cacti in the desert 
I question his poor self worth 
But he doesn’t seem to be inclined to rise
And settles like sand at the bottom of my eyes
And the glass is half empty, never full 
I bathe his wounds with cotton wool 
So it will not inflict too much pain 
But how can a man stand this much rain 
And I know the fields are green so 
There is much that will grow 
And an abundance of fertility 
And for all his virility 
I can’t put my finger on what isn’t gone 
I just know I can’t ignore our song 
As I pull back from the book and gram 
Some metaverse serving someone’s plan 
In the ether 
It’s not me either 
It’s a seed to sow 
I hold on, just so you know 
And though you beg me to let go 
It’s just not in my make up 
So why don’t you just wake up 
And see the sky above your head 
it will keep you from the dread 
That forms moats around your castles 
And I know you want a girl with tassels 
But I don’t think that’s what I am 
I said to him as I hold his hand 
And in confusion iridescent blue 
Meets my own in a new hue 

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The Litany Of Truth

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I try to block the truth from reaching me 
And all the universe is teaching me 
Has to turn into a baseball bat
Instead of the original welcome mat
He offered me love in the extreme
And though it was a part of the dream 
It had something real to it too 
And I realised I was in love with you 
But I turned away
Because what is it that people say
We are too different to make it work 
And you are bathed in the hurt
You’ve spent your whole life accumulate
And you’ve let it make you hate 
People you don’t understand 
But you’re beautiful and I love you, man 
And I know the dial will turn to spin on me 
So I let you go free
And I feel your resignation and resolution
But you know that is no solution 
So I have to intervene 
Did you hear me scream 
When my brain came apart in two 
That was life splitting me from you
And we both fragmented into an entangled particle 
And people start to call me “some article” 
But I don’t mind 
Because I have not left you behind 
You’re still in my soul 
Like the bed of truth and rock and roll 
And it doesn’t matter, come what may
I’ll sing this song to you and you’ll wake and say
I love you Laura 
And as I read your aura 
It will speak volumes of colour
And all that made you duller 
Will lift and release
And we will make that beast 
Retract into its cave
Go back into the dark so grave 
Like the boy I could not save
He became the man I crave

Commonplace Understandings

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I don’t know what we were
But I know I don’t wanna fight with her
But I feel her get my back up 
When I offer her love
And she slaps my hand 
Like the hourglass isn’t pouring sand
And all of us into the ocean 
Why are you afraid to show emotion
Is it just me 
Or is it the dragon that was set free 
Two decades ago 
And somewhere amidst the snow 
The annals of us are preserved 
I try to keep my cool but I am unnerved 
By the sheer lack of the sea 
In the meadows that lap against me 
And I can’t make it better and I can’t mend 
What she never broke but doesn’t intend
To rectify 
There is a part of us that can never die
And a part that does day by day
I wonder why she is that way
And the reason seems clear
But she doesn’t know how I hold her dear
And is it my lot to be unknown 
And only have my true colours shown 
When a stranger just walks into my days
And tells me I’m free in so many ways
And he thinks I hate him, I can hear him sigh 
But the mists move the mountains and I cry 
Out with the fear of it
But he’s alcohol and I take a sip 
And find myself head of heels 
Like I’m lost on instagram reels 
Just trying to find my source
I am not a child of divorce
But I know the fracture when the world splits 
Or the chasm that opens when death hits
You hard in the gut 
And someone you love things you’re in a rut
But I would never leave the flowerbed
Above the grave that marks your head 
So I’ll just let you know 
That I was not born to let go 

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The Poet Of The Pyrenees

.Reading time 1 minute.
I miss David more than I can explain
I look outside and it’s rain
And it was always sun when he was around
Like he gave meaning and life to sound 
And he burst colour into the scene 
As though I was alive within the dream 
And now all is dull and grey
And what is it that people say
Life is what you make it 
And love is deep so don’t forsake it 
But I don’t know how to utter your name
Without making you take the blame 
For all that we could never be
I saw you down on one knee
Proposing to me
But you laugh in my face and the indignity 
Of the moment have me cracking open 
The shell that was the kernel of hoping 
For more than just words on the page
And the silent rage
Pounds against the walls of my castle 
And I wonder is romance worth the hassle 
If it means I must go up against 
Your past and your present tense 
And maybe you’ll never know what it meant 
When you accepted the letter I sent 

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Nature’s Reserves

.Reading time 1 minute.
I found all of nature's wildest reserves
Inside the self that simply observes
And it's not a mute kind of understanding
Or a play of will to be ever demanding
It is a giving way
To what is the order of the day 
And I write these words
And they are heard
In the grand abyss 
Who thought forever could begin with a kiss
Coz I always had my faith in Jesus, my staunchest ally 
Next thing you know I'm in the valley
Screaming out; why is there death
Why is every face something we must forget 
When the blinding light struck me from on high
And I realised that to die
Is not what I'd been thinking it was 
And that no life is stuck on pause
Forever, there comes a time when the tape winds out 
In the mists of love pressed to my mouth
Like some forgiven scourge
Suddenly heard the birds
For the first time
Now he makes me rhyme 
With his soul 
That pours into mine as the waves roll

Shyness And Circumstance

.Reading time 1 minute.
I could tell that he wanted to die 
And I just wanted to tell him not to cry
But how can I be of use
How can I be the proof
That life is worth living
And there's nothing that needs forgiving
You are innocent, pure 
And I trust in that place in you, for sure 
But you don't believe me and I watch you turn away
And I am lost for words to say
Just know that I will be here, here
And I will make it crystal clear
That I am not going anywhere 
So don't you dare
Depart these lands 
Because someone understands
Even if she blushes when you smile 
Even if she'd watch you for a long while
Even if she'd make pain into art
And wait before she gives you her heart
Even though it's yours for the taking 
And I'm not faking 
I'm just shy and a little afraid
And you're so bright I seek the shade
So I can look out from there 
And make sure you know I care 
I count every step you take 
To me and with each one I hope you wake
To the notion that love is true
And that it will always be in me for you

Structured Ties And Universal Intent

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Trying to cure myself of the sin they caused 
I look up from the dream and the screen is paused 
And is the thing I believe in all corrupt
Do I get blamed just for questioning love
Coz I don’t want to be the bad guy
But I try and try and try and try
And never see anything but the sky
And the part of me that will not die
And do I just rebel, rebel
Are the disbelievers going to hell
Coz I can’t contain all this pain
I sing my sonnet but I do it in vain
And do I always think I’m right
Telling stories by the firelight
Just to engage and ignite
But some things there are that are out of sight
And I’ve been loyal to what I said to him
That I wouldn’t criticize the din
That sounded when the cymbals clashed
But I let go, now the glass is smashed
And I can’t repair it piece by piece
It’s what happen when the drama cease
And I wonder what I
Will be like in the future if I don’t cry
Out against the crimes I see
Are we just repeating history
And am I myself just as much to blame
When I sink into the walls of my shame
And come out smelling of roses too
I put off something that I meant to you
Until a tomorrow that never comes 
But the waves are high and the rush succumbs 
And it’s true that the drugs numb
The place that I’m travelling from
Coz I feel a sudden in the air
An offering that isn’t there
And I run out to grasp the hands 
That carry the weight of slipping sands
But time won’t wait for a single grain
And fighting it just causes pain 
To me, to them, to us, to we
I keep on shouting why don’t you see
But the immortal has been condensed 
To something put in the past tense
Or in the future salvation now
I don’t know how to carry it somehow

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Surrender

.Reading time 1 minute.
I like an iced drink on the rocks
Like I used to like Seapoint and the playing slots
Because my grandmother created a memory with me 
As we bet on 5p 
To reveal the mystery 
And she had lost my grandfather to history 
But she did not stay long 
Is it wrong 
To see the poetic madness in following the one you love
To the grave or to above
If that’s how you see it 
And something tells me I’ve got to just be it
And he’s miles away from me 
But I don’t want him to see
He’s always been the one my soul chooses
And everything is just weight that he loses 
As he untethers his pain 
And something brings us together again 
I’m making this masterpiece so that you 
Might know who I’m talking to 
When I follow the fuse
To the one I always choose 

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Letting Love, Letting Go

.Reading time 2 minutes.
Death stalks even the most fertile of land
I would go as far as to say you can only understand
Life if you’ve had a little loss
Not just make up and candy floss
To keep yourself looking young 
And your song is sung 
When you’re eight one 
And looking in the mirror
That girl you once were, do you hear her
“She was a good age”, that’s what they say
But I still blame God for taking you away
Just a little too soon
And I’m in the room
And I’m crying, screaming
And if I am only dreaming 
Then why does it hurt so much
Why does it feel that all the love
I’ve ever had has departed 
No second chances, only heavy hearted
Ways and means
And moonbeams
Sing to me of you
Something about white light and what it can do
To free a soul 
I know you were old 
And I was twenty nine 
And I should be fine
But I’m not
So I take the last shot
That has ever been fired
And I only fall asleep when I’m tired 
From all the crying and wailing against 
What God whispers to me is heaven sent
And she never had to experience covid or crisis 
Had angels around her when she shut her eyelids
And it’s selfish but the pain 
Is the only thing that remain 
In me for you 
Because all the blue
Of the sky has absorbed you in 
And maybe now you are with him 
Somewhere in the serene 
And seventeen 
Is come again 
When you lose someone, a really good friend
But you find yourself among the debris
And if anyone is looking for me
You should let them know 
That I always follow where you go 
And into the mystic, into the free
I’m still here but something has left me
Like a bomb shattered house that loses its frame 
Like a sage who goes by a different name 
Like the winter that bursts into spring
Like waking up to everything 

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Ancient Troubles

.Reading time 2 minutes.
There’s a man that sings about a drugs binge he’s been on 
Like how he’s been helluva gone 
And I can’t help but empathise 
Because there’s a kind of high that never dies
Even when you kill it with starvation
Or waiting for a boy at a train station 
That only comes once in a blue moon
He rocks the atmosphere when he’s in the room 
And I just let it be
Because I am free
Of all he tries to contain 
If he was a cloud he would rain 
All over my parade
If I am the sun then he is the shade
Of the tree my grandfather made for me
He placed a swing on a branch and us three 
Share something that will never pass
I don’t care if you think it won’t last
My heart is as solid as serene 
As anything is beyond the dream 
And everyone is someone’s child 
And every woman somewhere is wild 
In her heart and soul 
Even if she pays the toll
As she passes through the joint 
As if she’ll gain an extra point 
For due diligence and deference
I gave Deirdre a second chance
But I may as well have talked to the wind
Coz she is fixated on how she has sinned
And aims to take me with her 
And I get a little bitter
In the years that pass
Under the realm of the crass
And the key to my soul won’t speak to me 
I wonder if I’m just letting her be free
Or if I’m resigned to the fate
Of looking for some guy to date
So that I might be whole
Coz I left her with my soul 
And she is the keeper of that part
In the greater region of my heart
As it beats red and true
Pumping oxygen for all of you 

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The End In The Beginning

.Reading time 1 minute.
Getting old, I’m thirty three
And people no longer say my whole life’s in front of me
And my friend died when I was seventeen 
And since then the dream 
Has had no appeal 
Because it simply is not real
As the canvas just gets torn 
Bodies fail and they get worn 
And I have to say goodbye
To everyone when they die
But somehow the veil fell 
And all the people who called me unwell
Are tracking my shoes
Wondering why singing the blues
Sounds so damn good to the sea
As if it’s pulsing to the beat of me 
In the winter of my life
And I should be a wife 
To that man
But I don’t think I can 
Because I don’t want to bear child 
One reason is I want to stay wild
The other is that I can’t leave
Them to the world that I believe
Is only born to be taken away
And even if they’re a baby they cannot stay
Here forever
And I would never 
Want to do that to someone 
Pluck them from security to the drug of done
Counting down the days til they lose
The power of having someone to choose 
To be a lover
And is it just another 
Way of avoiding what’s now
I look at myself and I allow
The crippled and broken
To have the words that I’ve never spoken 
Into the air 
It all was lost til He was there

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Falter On The Bridge

.Reading time 1 minute.
Would it be okay to speak the truth
I falter on the bridge between old age and youth
And she says I don’t need to doubt
Or I’m bound to do without
So I let the words slip
And pass my lips
Do you know who I am
The girl with a plan
As I see you in a suit and tie
Fifty years or so til we say goodbye
What do you think
I pour you another drink
To help you steady your nerves
I feel the flash of you as the car swerves 
And know that the words are done
But you are the one
Who silences noise
You were never one of the boys
But an ocean to span
I’d do my best but I dunno if I can
Ever be what I was before
But shur isn’t that what lovin’s for
And I break a smile across a desert scene
You are the fuckin’ dream

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The Bark Of The Tree

.Reading time 1 minute.
How do people get like that, is it believing that the age you are 
Is anything more than revolutions around a star 
And I may be thirty three
But I’ve never been more free
As they put handcuffs on me
And tell me to preserve my dignity 
If I want to shine 
But I’m self effulgent and love is mine 
Though you wouldn’t know it from my visage
Don’t feel bad
It isn’t all your fault 
I kicked you out of the vault 
After letting the key slip into your hand 
And now I demand 
That you break like a wave upon my shore 
If you want me to love you more 
But it’s just like listening to the scene 
She wakes her own dream 
Up from where it lay
And I don’t get a say
About the perforate you opened 
And something is hoping
In what you never were to me 
I take a moment and I just be  

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Gone To Find An Atmosphere

.Reading time 1 minute.
I search my memory for some remnants of pain 
But when I find them it is in vain 
Because they don’t reflect the sky like they used to 
And though I’m superhuman I still bruise too 
And you can see the blue through my translucent skin 
Is it wrong if I say it was because of him
Because he silences my voice, puts a hand over my mouth 
Til I don’t have a choice but to dwell in self doubt
Is this the gaslit anthem or just some season that falls
In the autumn down the halls
Of the ceremony we once were
Now I watch you bow to her
And I won’t stand in competition 
So you say to her the bitch is gone 
I can hear it in your tone
When you talk to me on the phone 
Through clenched teeth
As I try to share the beach
That got me through a sparser climate
But you are an intelligent primate
And you can make your own decision now 
If you break the heart that I allow
To fall into your hands
Is it my fault that slipping sands 
Can’t be stayed by frantic movement 
And when you find the Divine you cannot improve it

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The Approaching Age

.Reading time 1 minute.
There is an approaching age
That I have not yet written on the page
It is the year of forty two 
And it is being free of you 
For once and for all
There was a freefall
And I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it
But boy it
Is too rich for my blood now
I’ve said so long for good somehow 
And you’re bitter in your harness
As you imagine my mini dress
In someone else’s hands 
But it’s all slipping sands
And he may have made me melt 
But it wasn’t the same as what I felt 
For you in the woods 
And the doctor wants to do my bloods
To make sure I’m not sick 
Sometimes I think they’re thick 
Because they never seem to catch on 
That I am already long gone 
And they can’t tether soul to a skin
Once it has resolved itself in him 
And I know she has trials of her own 
It’s just my true colours shown 
Are deep red and fragrant blue
And some of those were borrowed from you 
So if you don’t mind 
I’m gonna just be kind
To myself for a season 
And let you go without a reason 

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We Will Never Be Together

.Reading time 2 minutes.
We will never be together
Because I have studied the weather
And it doesn’t bode well for you 
I know the taste of hell too 
But I could never do what you did
Shake a knife and then hid 
Slink into the corner of some darkened hole
Like that is the place for your soul 
And I reside in the light
I kept trying to illuminate your night
And you resolutely proud 
Said it once out loud 
That you never want to see me again
And there’s only so much I will take from men
And an admission of defeat
Is the woman washing Jesus’ feet 
Like she is the downfall of man
And I know you’d take power any way you can
Simply because you’ve got none of your own 
Think you can invade my home 
And there will be no consequence
I smiled at you and then away I went 
And you won’t see me at your door
Not again, not anymore
You could write me a sonnet or a song
But it doesn’t change the way you do me wrong 
And the look of you in my living room 
Is preceded by the sound of doom 
And cashing out on the promise 
Is the part of me that keeps you honest
So go love your faithful bride
And forget that I am alive 
I’m not here to take you away
From a woman that would stay 
Through all your tripe 
I kiss your memory in the candlelight

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The Witching Hour

.Reading time 1 minute.
There is a witching hour
And she lives like she has all the power 
To throw weight around 
And her sound
Is a fearsome blame
When she throws everything at my name 
Like it will stick 
And she says he’s just being a dick 
But I don’t believe it
I saw his heart on his sleeve, it
Will never escape my memory 
Even though their war got the best of me 
As they pummelled my frame 
Hit me like every blow was the same 
I will never betray
Him by lying about what he say
The truth spills
And time kills
Everything it touches 
Nothing there is but something fucks it
Up
And love
Is no exception 
Except there is Jesus and his Resurrection 
That reminds me there is truth
And there is not just youth
But maturity
I woke up to the best of me 

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In The Land Where Death Is Real

.Reading time 3 minutes.
In the land where death is real
People lie and people steal 
People cheat and people thieve 
But it’s all coz they believe
In a sudden end and in separation
It is reinforced by years of education
Not only in the school
But by social rule 
Where they must obey
Everything their elders say
Only to grow up to be
A repetition endlessly
Instead of creative and new
And everything they swore they would do
When they were five years old 
No one has to be told
To be pilot, to be king
To be bird upon the wing
But you have to be sold 
On being bad, on being “bold” 
And every child knows
The phrase that everything goes 
The way it should be 
I love eternity
As it presents myself 
Amidst “mental health” 
Challenges, they say I’m crazy
But you know it doesn’t phase me 
When I’m twenty eight and in Dean Swift
But the captivity was a gift 
As they try to sit me down 
And say that I will drown 
In all that is unwell
It’s a byword for hell
But I just don’t buy
Everything they try
To sell 
It’s a secret I never tell
But I’m soaring high
Something can never die
And I will go to the lowest low
If it means that someone else’s dreams
Will wake before they shake 
By the bones and skin
It’s not foolhardy to trust in Him 
He who moves the sky into spacious understanding 
He who shows the way without ever demanding 
That you should follow suit 
Oh, the world that we pollute 
With our constant pain
That falls as acid rain 
Or bombs upon the children 
Instead of heartfulness to fill them 
With hope and with pride
And gratitude that they’re alive
I’m sorry to say
That going the wrong way
Means you must repent 
And all things are heaven sent 
Until you realise 
That every time someone cries 
It’s an echo of the sound 
That means God is around 
To show you where the deep 
Is something you can keep 
I didn’t know that I 
Was blessed until my
Whole world was shaken 
But just like in a dream I waken 
And suddenly realise 
That nobody dies
Not in the way we think 
But you don’t know water until you drink 
From that holy font
It is everything I want
And everything I never knew to ask 
I just dropped the mask 
And all was revealed
I guess you could say that I was healed

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Crime And Punishment

.Reading time 1 minute.
How about goodbye
And you made me feel like I wanna die
So I close the door
Pretend I don’t love you anymore
But I do
It’s always you
Amid the curtains pulled
And the pain, it dulled
As the years passed
But I wanted it to last 
So I would have something to hold onto 
But your love stuck like glue 
In my heart
And though we are miles apart
And time and space
None of it is gone to waste 
Because I would do it a thousand times over
Just to find your four leafed clover
Growing in the grass
And I loved to learn in class
But nobody taught me a lesson like you 
I’m just not sure I wanted to
Let you go 
And I know
That everyone dies 
And the child cries
When her grandfather passes 
And it’s the wisdom of the masses
To mourn and then move on 
But there is a hole where he is gone 
And nothing can repair it
I dare it
To swallow me whole
But my soul 
Just grows more vast 
And life asked
Me to be free
So I let go and eternity
Came to kiss my lips 
In the middle of an eclipse 
Where all was night 
But in the darkness shone a light 
And nothing can drench it 
Nothing can quench it
No pulling thread
Can unmake where I made my bed

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Realisation

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
Will you ever know how much you mean to me
Did you know you were a dream set free
Into the open expanse
I watch the leaves dance
In the wind
And have we sinned
By leaving the door open 
You were barely coping 
When I swung in the gate
And your hate
Is rocket fuel 
Do you live the dual 
Race to the bottom
But I haven’t forgotten 
The way you just move with the breeze
And on my hands and knees
I pray to the God you were 
Before I found out you were with her

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The Epic Of Mine

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The epic story of the oddessying hero
If you want a race I’ll make it to zero
Before you do if I find the words
I’ve my feet on the ground but I’m away with the birds
And I found myself locked in a room
They tell me I’ll be out pretty soon
But it’s like they’re caging the beast
And it’s roaring for a feast
Tearing me to pieces inside
I drop the walls I used to hide
And all of the people were magnificently pure
And I’m integrity that just endure
As they’re listing reasons I’m not well
But I’m full of a secret I daren’t tell
As I wonder why the guy is wearing shades
As we meditate upon a page
And it’s like a story that’s never been told
I wonder will I weather it when I get old
Or will these days leave a track
On skin that can’t take it back
And I’m always waiting for her to care
But she just shakes me outta her hair
And tells me it’s for the best
So I set sail on my own quest
And if I’m a hero why do I die
On my own with a sigh
Then pull myself up onto my knees
To answer all the pleas
I hear in my mind
I wonder at the life I left behind
And if anyone will set out on my track
Coz, Lord knows, I’m not coming back
And I’m weary but I’m also full of hope
The kind of optimism that copes
With every setback that waylays
And I’ve learned to take a grain of salt on days
As it meanders in a thousand ways
Across plains and by open bays
Into the avenues I know
And this train never slows
Only takes me by the hand and shows
The light the window throws
And if you’re indifferent to my plight
You gotta know that I’m alright

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The Forces I Keep At Bay

.Reading time 2 minutes.
I’m not going making an enemy out of you
Not even if the whole world wants me to
And you’ve got the force of the women’s cause
And I’m on a stereo hitting pause
Because I can’t cope with what I see
That you had her as well as me
And I know it’s lame and it’s a whole joke
And I can’t get by on what I wrote
But I see you sometimes in the air
And feel the space where you’re not there
And everything’s like an answered prayer
And you’re the angel by which I’d swear
But the mountains roll down to the sea
And I am nothing if not free
Of everything you got to be
I don’t know if you were looking for eternity
But it was forever on the grass
Just the kind that doesn’t last
And you were the rain that lashed
And all the diagrams that smashed
But somehow you made a different choice
And I decided to hide my voice
In the realms of empty pages
I’ve written odes to the ages
Up against an empty wall
And I was running down the hall
Just to catch the trail of you
Til I realized you don’t want me to
So I just stop and stand still
Feel the force of all that will
Strive to keep heaven away
But it’s one shore I can’t hold at bay
And the march of time just goes on
Will there be a day when we’re both gone
Or does something just endure 
I call it the wave of pure
Consciousness that just abides
There are oceans that survive
The still and empty way you move
And if love is just a point we prove
Then there’s nothing left to lose
I don’t have a choice but it’s you I choose

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The Divine Death

.Reading time 1 minute.
I keep holding out
For the Divine Death
The one that time
Cannot forget
You can all it enlightenment 
You can call it liberation
But I woke up
From my own education 
Only to go on
Picking up stones
Going from place to place
And calling it home
And I’ve always been a rambler 
Out for adventure
But I’m struggling
With my own self censure
Coz there are lines
With which you do not agree
And I can only point it out
I can’t make you see
And you’re drinking 
Bottled water from the tap
And I keep wondering
What are you at
But it’s a mystery to me
All these flicking pages
And I’ve been wandering 
For ages and ages
Trying to catch your trail
As it winds through the undergrowth 
I’m tired walking
The less travelled road
Searching for something
I cannot find
Missing what
I’ve left behind 

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The Chase

.Reading time 1 minute.
There is the fear that death could separate us
And that I have to rush to you
To profess my love
Til above
Reaches in its hand 
And takes away my only man
The only one I’ve ever sought
To give myself to beyond the taught
And you are serene and beautiful 
But your skin’s as thin as cotton wool
And the people are all saying I’m crazy
But it doesn’t faze me
I just take a step back
And their affection feels like an attack
On summer wine
As they take my time
And make it theirs 
Hands up if anyone cares 
I know they will say they’ve got the best of intentions
It’s just that they never mention
You, anymore
And I wonder if that closed door
Has slammed shut
If only I could get out of this aperture of slut
As they all seek to cling
Coz, God knows, they’d hold onto anything 
And I open out my palm
As the bell rings an alarm 
In the hall of calling like it is
And is it a surprise that I’m still his
In spite of the battleship
That is equipped 
Somewhere along the shore
To hammer at my door
Like a man knocking on my breath
But it hasn’t opened to him yet

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The Fluctuation

.Reading time 1 minute.
The fluctuation hit me like a ton of bricks 
And now I am in bits 
As she sails to another sea
Never knowing the weather she visited on me
And it’s like a plume
You can tell it’s been in the room
Because there is a fume
That wafts
And you could say she’s daft
But it’s more than that
She’s caught in a wave she can’t take back
As she bullets into the sky
And I wonder if I would’ve died
If I’d met her on the road
Because she never slowed
In her speech 
And she is out of reach
As I extend 
The part of me that would mend
A sensory organ
But I can’t get a word in
As it rocks us back and forth
And the worst part of a divorce
Is you never see that person again
Not in the same way, not women and men
I wish her well
Because I know the hell
She is living in
I also know that I cannot win
When that’s in control
God bless her and ease her soul
As it beats against the cage it’s kept in
I wonder does she know Him
In her darkest day
All the same I wouldn’t want to get in her way
When she’s on the wrong side of the beach
I think it’s the lesson she came to teach

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Patches

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
He’s trying to get power any way he can
Coz he lost it all when she lost her man
To the facade of budding away
Isn’t that what they all say
About midnights come the dawn
And he will swear he did nothing wrong
But I watched her on her hands and knees
Trying to find something in which to believe 
And she was ashen framed 
And you like the structure of he who must not be named
In the sea
She rolled with me
But the forest burned down
Now I just watch you leave the town
Over and over
Searching for your four leafed clover 

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The Pacific Emotion

.Reading time 2 minutes.
The wrench I try not to feel
Coz it means I’m mentally ill if I cannot deal
With the wave that races to the shore
And it crushes everything I adore
And all are sandcastles, all are water 
I’m just a lost, lonely granddaughter 
Who may never see you again 
And you were the best of men 
Though something whispers to me that you are here
Closer than close and ever near
And I look for it in their eyes
But all I ever see is the disguise 
That hides you from me
They equate eternity
With what they can know 
With their mind, so 
I pull away
Because I know you cannot stay
Not here, not with me
You are free
And I unlock the chains 
That keep you incumbent to the rain 
And all the aching that I feel 
Is the only thing that is real
As I run to St. Pat’s 
And they dutifully hit me with baseball bats
Til I can’t feel the grief
They must replace the belief 
With a shallow kind of pain
The kind that has people squint with strain 
And say, sure isn’t that the way
But I return to the bay
As it opens out onto the Pacific 
And I have to say it’s fuckin’ terrific
And lays all my shreds bare
Til there’s nothing left to tear
And my dress may be ruined 
But I think God knows what He’s doing 
When he says to me 
I will take away the temporary 
So you can know the permanent 
How could hell be heaven sent? 

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I Don’t Know Where To Start

.Reading time 1 minute.
She’s buried under the weight of timber
And she calls me a sinner
For what she cannot see
That it has devastated me 
And he looks at me that way
And there’s so much I want to say
But I can’t and now it’s never
That’s the hard part of forever
It doesn’t let go
And so 
I let the waves rise up 
To overflow the cup 
Of water I’ve been drinking 
They say that it’s overthinking 
But somehow it feels more real 
And it’s just that she cannot deal
With her own grief she fires at dart at me
And I don’t have the heart to let it be
I storm up a flame and turn away
Go deaf to everything she say
Coz it’s all a repetition 
Of something she learned in some edition 
Of something she read 
And I never said 
What I meant 
But when I sent 
That letter true
I thought it would deliver to you
But it must have missed the mark 
Now I’m just swinging swords in the dark 
And hoping to connect 
With a dream I seem to have wrecked
With my steady brutality
Oh, the weight of what’s been placed on me
Is a blessing true
And all of this because I lost you

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The Sadness That Embraces

.Reading time 1 minute.
The inner child weeps
And she never sleeps
For all the people she loves
Will one day be above
Or at least that’s what they say
I don’t know if it is that way
But I’ve always felt the wrench
Felt the knot in my gut clench
As it tries to clasp
What it knows can never last
Not in a hundred million suns
Not in finding the sacred one
Because the heat must die
To find the reason that you try
To reach the sky
And I
Just find tears
Amidst all the years
And cling to the frame
The door that bears my name
But it can’t weather the storm 
Of the heart that beats me warm 
In the summer free
I feel death stalking me 
And in the winter fine
I feel that it is time
To let the leaves go
Let the winds blow
Let the waters flow
And find that there is no separation, you know

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